Author Archives: Gombeen

Paisley’s Library Reveals Admiration For Eoin Mulligan

Paisley and his tattered Mugsy book

Paisley and his tattered Mugsy book

The late Ian Paisley’s vast personal library, which opened for any member of the public to come and browse through a collection of 55,000 volumes, produced a couple of surprises after it emerged that Eoin Mulligan’s autobiography ‘Mugsy – My Story‘ was given pride of place at the front door, encased in bullet-proof glass.

Paisley, who rarely attended GAA games, is said to have closely identified with the Cooktown sharp-shooter and attended his book signing incognito, dressed as a farmer from Lissan.

Our journalist, Kenny Archibald, was allowed a sneak flick through Paisley’s copy and noticed a couple of annotations on the book:

“There were a few pages when Mulligan is describing an amusing incident in his life and you can see where Paisley has written ‘LOL’ or ‘some crack’. The chapter where Mugsy describes getting suspended from school for mooning out the window is heavily annotated with one comment, written in red pen, saying ‘he’s some boyo’. It’s obvious there was some connection between the pair.”

Archibald went on to describe a more startling revelation:

“More importantly, the book was signed at the front by Mulligan with a personal touch. It read ‘To the big Rev – Keep er lit – Lámh Dhearg Abú! ‘, suggesting Mugsy knew rightly on the night of the book signing that the farmer from Lissan was actually the former leader of the DUP. It’s quite a remarkable friendship.”

Coalisland journalist Ronan McSherry’s book Ronan’s Rants was also amongst Paisley’s collection. The only annotation was a moustache which Paisley had drawn on McSherry’s face.

Trillick To Perform Local War Dance Before SFC Final

The Trillifandango

Inspired by the South Pacific islands at the rugby World Cup, Tyrone senior finalists Trillick have spent the last week tidying up a pre throw-in routine, hoping to nurture a sense of fear in their opponents Killyclogher.

Named ‘The Trillifandango”, the routine merges Irish dancing, rave, rap, line-dancing, jiving, and general jumping about during a 4-minute performance. Mattie Donnelly heads the dance formation after a competition to see who had the longest tongue. Lee Brennan had the shortest and will be at the very back.

Meanwhile, the Northern Ireland soccer team have sent Trillick a good luck telegram. Trillick’s last title in 1986 coincided with Northern Ireland’s last appearance at a finals tournament and were consequently twinned with each other in 1998. Unfortunately Killyclogher were twinned with the England rugby side the same year.

Dungannon Man Admits To Not Being On The DLA. ‘Must Be Something Wrong With Him’

Winner of Dungannon 100m sprint in 14.55 seconds

Winner of Dungannon Sports Day 100m sprint in 14.55 seconds

A Dungannon man from the White City area finally ended year-long rumours by admitting he’s not receiving Disability Living Allowance.

Eamonn McNally, who has always refused to limp and regularly makes his own dinner, became the second man from Dungannon to admit not being on the DLA  after Birdy McGuinness revealed he was not receiving any benefit in 2001. McGuinness was forced to leave the town after several hammerings outside The Fort in 2002 by bouncers on crutches. As of October 2015, no woman over 18 from the town has failed to received DLA since the allowance scheme commenced in 1992, with over 78% of Dungannon’s population currently limping.

A neighbour and former friend of McNallys, Josh McCann, revealed he’s seething at the news:

“McNally thinks he’s all smart cos he got a GCSE in Learning For Life and Work (LLW) and won’t get the DLA. There must be something wrong with his head. I’m on the middle band as I need someone to ‘help me with my bodily functions‘. I don’t understand why he doesn’t even go for the bottom band by saying he hasn’t a clue how to make his dinner. After this news gets out, he’ll be on the DLA legit in a couple of days, don’t worry. And it’ll be the top band. His bodily functions will be banjaxed….”

before walking off winking, clenching his fists and making threateningly loud laughing noises.

The defection comes after the controversial Dungannon Sports Day when 14 of the 16 races were won by locals on the highest level of DLA for mobility problems, including Portuguese native Cristiano Hurson who won the 100m on crutches.

CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.

Tohill 'has plans' for Tyrone

Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone

The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.

Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.

“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”

Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.

“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”

Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.

Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.

Omagh Man Gets Wrong Flight Home. Ends Up In Omaha.

Gombeen's avatarTyrone Tribulations

Seamie Corrigan, on plane Seamie Corrigan, on plane

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.

Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.

“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote…

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Dolores, The Psychic Eel Who Predicted Wins For Aghaloo And Edendork, Killed And Gutted

Dolores, the psychic eel

Dolores, the psychic eel

PSNI officials are pointing the finger at Urney supporters after Dolores, the celebrity psychic eel from Ardboe, was found hanging from a nail hammered into an electric pole near Strabane. Police said the eel had been gutted.

At a well-attended showbiz event yesterday in front of over 40 onlookers including Plunkett Donaghy, Dolores was thrown into a tank with a stone at either side in the colours of each of the Intermediate finalists. The eel, who correctly predicted the new pope as well as the Great Wind of ’87, immediately swam towards the Edendork eel, indicating she thought the East Tyrone side would lift the title. To make matters worse, Dolores headed towards the Urney-coloured stone and defecated on it.

Witnesses confirmed that the Urney contingent in attendance appeared agitated at the proceedings, making neck-slicing gestures at the eel after it did its business on the Urney stone, with one Urney supporter reportedly shouting ‘you’re dead meat, Dolores’.

Ardboe fisherman Johnny Quinn remarked;

“I can’t believe Dolores is dead. Them bastards are savages.”

Dolores also predicted Aghaloo would win the Junior final over Brackaville Owen Roes, with both sides apparently happy with the eel’s prediction, suggesting the Owen Roes have a hefty bet on Aghaloo winning also.

Dolores’ remains will be arriving home tonight to Ardboe with a Mass at 8:30 pm followed by an outdoor barbecue where Dolores will be eaten.

Brian Friel

image

Justin Bieber Breaks Silence On Coalisland Car Parking Debate

Bieber in Coalisland

Bieber in Coalisland

Canadian singer and songwriter, Justin Bieber, who recently disproved the possibility of the Big Bang theory, has finally broken his self-imposed silence regarding the erratic car parking scenario in Coalisland. 

For centuries, Coalisland has persisted with a free and easy attitude to parking in the town, with drivers able to abandon their motors mid-drive in order to pop into a shop for a pan loaf or pub for a quick pint, blocking traffic in both directions for up to 20 minutes.

Although locals have a relaxed attitude their archaic traffic system, passers-by from as far away as England and Dungannon have resorted to beeping their horns in frustration at the lack of movement on the Main Street. On several occasions, impatient drivers have found themselves overturned or in some cases missing their wheels after a pronged period of beeping and fist-gesticulating.

In a series of online messages, Bieber commented:

“I’ve kept quiet about this but, banzinga baby, car parks are a gift from God. Know what a mean. The driver peeps from the ‘Island need to chill out and park their vehicles in the lots 24/7. You do the math.”

Apologising to the loyal ‘Beliebers’ in Coalisland for the outburst, he threateningly added:

“I’m happy to take matters into my own hands if the authorities in the ‘Island don’t take my shit seriously. Two words: Nuke your ass. My Beliebers, get out to Newmills as soon as you can. Big time, “

before bursting into a rendition of Where Are You Now, making nuclear bomb gestures with his hands.

Coalisland Lord Mayoress Helen Carter retaliated:

“He’s a wee bollocks.”

Meanwhile Landi’s have launched their ‘Bieber Burger’ which, they say, ‘is deadly’.

Harte To Sanction McAleer and Rushe Plans To Build Rocwell Plant On Mars

How a bottle of Rocwell might look on Mars

How a bottle of Rocwell might look on Mars

In a bid to widen the net for future Red Hand talent, it is understood that Mickey Harte will not stand in the way of a bid by sponsors McAleer and Rushe to build a water-mining plant on Mars, in a joint venture with fellow former sponsors Rocwell who will bottle ‘Red Water’ for public consumption on Earth and, eventually, Mars.

In a further complication, former county sponsors WJ Dolan have tendered a rival bid to construct the mining device although it is understood they have a preference for Perrier as bottlers, who have fancier offices in the Moy.

NASA Ireland marketing manager Hugh Armstrong admitted it was a tough call for Harte:

“Mickey will always go with the current regime. And to be fair, McAleer put together an attractive package with the entertaining one-way ticket option. They plan on having a public vote to decide who goes, with the favourites being Joe Brolly, Pat Spillane, Hugo Duncan, Julian from UTV, wasps, frackers, hackers, Derry ones, Armagh ones, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys and traffic wardens.”

1990s sponsors Powerscreen are reportedly coming on board and promise to eventually build a massive conveyor belt from Dungannon to Mars so workers can get there and back within a year and a half.

Armstrong added:

“You’d like to think that down the line Brand Tyrone will become such a well-known institution on Mars through the Rocwell initiative that we’ll maybe be able to avail of the first few martians born on the planet, especially for the troubled corner back positions.”

The Tyrone County Board have moved to distance themselves from rumours suggesting plans for a Mars ‘red diesel’ production plant have already been passed by a well-known business in the county.

Doubts Cast On Greencastle Photographer’s Red Moon Picture

Red Moon From Greencastle?

Red Moon From Greencastle?

A well known Greencastle entrepreneur, photographer and triangle player is under pressure tonight to explain away the dubious photograph he allegedly took of the unusual red moon last night from his back garden.

Diarmuid O’Develane (38) posted the photo on Facebook, after previously telling everyone in Greencastle not to take any photos of the moon as he would supply the definite Greencastle picture to the world in all its brilliance.

The picture, which raises many concerns, drew a rash of abusive comments from friends and family who went to bed early last night in the knowledge that Diarmuid was representing Greencastle with his state of the art Kodak camera. O’Develane’s uncle and former press photographer was first to comment on the supposed ‘Red Moon From Greencastle’:

“Expect us to believe that, ye bollox.”

A friend added fuel to the fire:

“The next time I see ye Diarmy I’ll ram that Kodak up yer jacksie.”

An ex-girlfriend remarked:

“Stunning. (being sarcastic).”

O’Develane finally weighed in to the debate, defending his picture:

“A lot of you people here don’t understand digital photography so I suggest yiz shut up. It was a deadly windy night and the WiFi connection was coming and going so all-in-all it’s a decent photo. I’m the one who had to stay up to 4am in the cold, drinking gin.”

A Greencastle GAA player immediately replied:

“Sure how come I saw you tweeting a picture of yourself in bed at 10:30 watching Downton Abbey, drinking gin? Get up the road, Diarmy.”

O’Develane courted controversy last year when he posted photos of himself at the World Cup in Brazil when he was actually in his house watching all of the Game of Thrones series.

Dromore a ‘Dark Place’ After Defeat

Déjà vu from 3 years ago….though the ending might need changed

Gombeen's avatarTyrone Tribulations

The mood in Dromore has been described as darker than the deepest recesses of outer space since their senior football side were defeated in the county final last Sunday. Not since 1838, when an English tourist labelled Dromore as a ‘bleak poor hilly town’ in a holiday brochure, has the ‘Large Ridge’ found itself wallowing in a slough of self-pity and despair. No bins have been collected, cattle milked nor men washed since the loss four days ago and the outlook shows no sign of improvement. Housewife Katie McCarron refuses to see any light at the end of the tunnel:

“It’s buckin ridiculous now. Jaysus, I know the football is big an all in Dromore but these lads need to catch a grip of themselves. My husband, a stalwart on the team, hasn’t taken a shower since Sunday morning. He’s still in his muddied kit, just sitting and sleeping on…

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Pope Francis Mutters ‘Cmon Urney Te Feck’ During Silent Prayer In America

urneypope copyPope Francis, who has been lauded as one of the more progressive popes in recent centuries, surprised worshippers during an open air Mass in Philadelphia with an audible outburst during a minute’s silence for private intentions.

The Pope, who momentarily forgot he had a microphone wired into his robes, finished the silent minute with a quite clear ‘C’mon Urney te feck’ before blessing himself and carrying on with the rest of the ceremony.

Urney supporter and jersey washer Harriet McElhinney is adamant that, as expected, God is on the side of the West Tyrone men as they prepare for the Intermediate final against Edendork:

“We’re not getting complacent or anything but surely this is a sign that the man above is watching over us in our pursuit of senior status. Pope Francis is obviously keeping a close eye on Urney St Columba’s this year. I’d say he’s not overly fond of Edendork what with their gambling and all in that bingo hall. And St Malachy wasn’t half the man Columba was. Sure didn’t Columba build a monastery in Derry with his own hands, plastering it himself and him with his back broke from rowing back and forth to Scotland for sand.”

Papal officials confirmed Francis did not know his microphone was on at all times and apologised to Edendork players, officials and supporters, adding that McCurry would ‘take some watching’.

Meanwhile, the Vatican have granted Urney an audience with the Pope this week but have yet to decide whether or not to accept the gift of a bottle of home-made poitin after recent figures suggested 98 bottles of wine are consumed per person in the Vatican per year. Pope Francis maintains accepting the gift would be a bad start for his ‘Go Sober In October’ initiative.

Omagh’s ‘Shawshank Husband’ Dug Tunnel From Bedroom To Pub Over 15 Years

A year ago today…..

Gombeen's avatarTyrone Tribulations

Kerr re-enacts tunnel movement Kerr re-enacts tunnel movement

An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.

Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:

“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at…

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Drummurrer Man To Fit Stove On International Space Station

McNeill goes to toilet before returning to capsule.

McNeill goes to toilet before returning to capsule.

One of Tyrone’s most accomplished linguists, Terrence McNeill, is currently floating in a capsule in space as he prepares to become the first Irish man to work on the International Space Station.

McNeill, who can fluently speak over six languages from his stove-fitting experiences in Dungannon, will install a state-of-the-art stove in the Russian quarter on board the ISS after winning the contract from another tender in Lithuania. The Drummurrer man was rocketed off into space from Houston last night and is currently aiming to park his space capsule ‘Meenagh’ some time tonight if he can line it up correctly and soberly.

His wife, Anita, revealed it was a great honour for their family:

“We always knew he was deadly at the stove fitting and deadly at the languages so he’d be a deadly boy for fitting stoves up there for the Russians. I can’t relax though til he parks it as he’s liable to have a couple of drinks on him and might overshoot the parking bay and blow the whole thing up. I hope not. I also hope the diarrhoea has cleared up.”

McNeill underwent 3 weeks of intensive training in America before the launch and although he failed 90% of the tests, the Drummurrer man convinced NASA officials he’d work it out up there as he was ‘good at thinking on his feet’. At a packed conference he explained:

“I’m sure it’s just like parallel parking. I’ll put the shoe to the burd, get her docked and then pile into the ISS with my tools and get wired into the stove. I’ll be out by Monday I reckon. I’m just worried about the diarrhoea.”

McNeill has promised to tweet aerial pictures of Drummurrer, Annaghnaboe and Cloghog from space.

Drunken Wasp Fighting At Epidemic Levels In East Tyrone

Drunken wasp attack

Drunken wasp attack

PSNI officials have reminded the general public that they will not be attending any more reports of wasp fighting in the county, especially along the west coast of Lough Neagh, after over 400 cases were phoned in over the weekend by worried neighbours.

An unusual breed of German wasp arrived in Tyrone last week and have taken a particular liking to local ferns and brackens in East Tyrone on which they get highly intoxicated. The drunken wasps, having already serviced the queen bee, have been at a loose end and appear to have used the free time to take on the people around Ardboe, Brocagh and Derrylaughan.

Adding to the volatile nature of the situation, locals have taken to alcohol to relieve the stress of being stung on a daily basis, creating a deadly cocktail of lethal and often fatal drunken violence.

Local journalist and part-time stand-up comedian Concubar Grimes explained:

“I’d maybe take the wife down to the shore for a bit of canoodling at the weekends but last weekend was impossible. The roads and loanans were full of men and women, reeking of drink, swiping at the wasps with their fists, sometimes connecting with each other by mistake. And then that would start a whole other handlin. You can almost hear the wasps laughing, or maybe that’s just the buzzing. Anyway, I had to take the wife to Coalisland cinema instead but it closed in 1986 apparently.”

Police want to remind people that there’s no law at the minute to charge the wasps with drunken flying or drinking in public.

A skirmish broke out in Brocagh this morning after a freshly inebriated wasp attacked an unsuspecting priest during a local funeral, resulting in the persistent wasp and its immediate family being publically excommunicated and cursed with the threat of eternal damnation.

Dungannon Piggery On High Alert After Several MLAs Spotted Loitering Nearby

UUP MLA caught in the act

UUP MLA caught in the act

Following the news of David Cameron’s alleged affection for pigs and other porcine related animals, Dungannon Piggery have hired extra security after members of the UUP, Sinn Fein, SDLP, DUP and even the Green Party were spotting loitering suspiciously outside the wire fences which keep the pigs safe from harm.

Piggery owner and animal-lover Caoimhin Bacon revealed he was not overly surprised at the allegations against the UK’s Prime Minister:

 “I’ve known for years that men in a governmental position develop an affinity with all manner of pork, from wild boars to the common domestic pig. I even remember an Alliance politician who was mad into the warthogs. I don’t understand it myself but I suppose it takes all kinds.”

Bacon (55) maintains that the allegations against the English PM will encourage some current MLAs to become slightly bolder in their pursuit of their porky pleasures:

“Even this morning I spotted a Sinn Fein MLA working in cahoots with a high profile DUP politician trying to lure a crowd of sows over by throwing a pile of truffles at them. The Asian Pot-Bellied pig seems to be a big favourite of the SDLP lads so we’ll be keeping a close eye on that one too.”

The Dungannon Piggery Ltd have installed electric fencing around their premises since this morning’s revelations and have hired over 200 security men who previously worked at the old defunct Tyrone Brick factory. One of the heavies, Padraig McDonald, admitted that this was much harder work than his previous employment:

“At Tyrone Brick all we had to do was keep an eye out for young teenagers looking to steal bricks to throw at the Brits and to make sure they didn’t lift too many. This work is much harder. I even caught one MLA from Carrickmore this morning in a field, dressed up as a tree and moving inch by inch towards our premises. Sleeked enough characters.”

Dungannon Piggery is closed to the public until further notice.

Harte Given 2 More Years As Brocagh Applicant Messes Up Practical

How Cavanagh May Have Appeared Under McGorry

How Cavanagh May Have Appeared Under McGorry

Mickey Harte has been offered another two years at the helm of the Tyrone Senior football team despite a brave but ultimately disastrous bid for the job by Brocagh man Charlie McGorry.

McGorry (61), who started showing an interest in GAA after watching the Dublin/Fermanagh quarter-final in August, was told he did not need to turn up for the interview part of the process following a calamitous practical when he was asked to take the senior panel for one coaching session up in the Garvaghey complex.

A member of the squad, who wished to remain anonymous, explained:

“It was a shambles. The county board told him to bring his own bibs and cones. Didn’t he turn up with bibs you’d put on a child and a packet of ice-cream cones. It was obvious that this man had never kicked a ball in his life.”

Things went from bad to worse when he produced from his bag a Black & Decker 18V Ni-Cad Cordless Drill Driver from Homebase, telling the players that he had been instructed to do some drills.

“It was at this point that we realised Mickey was safe for another while. I wouldn’t let this eejit train an under-8 side. He even brought us crisps for afterwards and they were all McCoy’s Salt and Vinegar. Mickey never gets us Salt and Vinegar as he says they’re fattening. He brings ready-salted Weightwatcher’s crisps.”

Meanwhile, Gavin Devlin has denied prepping McGorry for the job and therefore purposely sabotaging his chances of usurping Harte.

New British Army GAA Team ‘Brilliant At Lifting’

Army scouting mission in South Armagh

Army scouting mission in South Armagh

The new British Army Irish Guards GAA side, who will play in the junior championship in London after being narrowly voted in by the county board, have been complimented by external coaches for their excellent lifting skills as well as their ability to ‘take no prisoners’ by being ruthlessly aggressive in attack.

Carrickmore man and GAA coach, Jackie Gormley (53), admitted he was taken aback by how quickly the army adapted to the finer skills in the game:

“I haven’t seen lifting like that since I was a lad. These boys are natural at the lifting and shooting. They’re a ruthless shower when they see the target and I wouldn’t be surprised if they take a few major scalps in their first season. We’re very keen to get these lads back to Carrickmore for a kick about. They will get a warm welcome.”

Galbally native Killian Morgan, who is building train tracks in London, revealed he is also eager to get the army side over to his home parish for a ‘friendly’:

Yes, I’m sure the lads back home in Galbally will be excited about having a crack at the British Army regiment side in our home patch. We’ll put on sandwiches and mineral and sure get wired into each other when the ball is blown up. I mean thrown up. We’ve a great young sharp shooter at corner forward this year. A real wiry sniper if there ever was one. We’ll be hoping to launch a few high ones on top of their rearguard as well.”

The regiment, nicknamed the Micks, will play under the Irish name Garda Eireannach, and are rumoured to be in sponsorship talks with Land Rover.

Clonoe Church Choir Told To Stop Singing In Their Accents By Parish Priest

Clonoe choir practising tonight

Clonoe choir practising tonight

In what some worshippers are calling ‘a wee bit extreme’, Fr Franny Bay has ordered his choir to practise singing traditional hymns using standard received pronunciation and not in a local east Tyrone accent. 

The move comes in the wake of a few high profile visitors to the parish from Rome and in anticipation of more in the coming months. Fr Bay, who attended speech and elocution lessons as a teenager and has been commended for his clear verbal skills on recent TV and radio appearances, has warned his choir that he’ll personally sack any singers who continue to use local pronunciation.

He added during his homily:

“That man from Rome can speak English better than me but he couldn’t make head nor tail of the singing. He even asked me if they were singing in Irish. I told him they were but heard my own confession as soon as he left. In ‘Take Our Bread, We Ask You‘ it’s not ‘tick air bread, wa ass ye‘. No wonder Fr Pablo was confused. I’ll be visiting your homes over the next week for spot-checks’.

Fr Bay extended his advice to the rest of the non-singing congregation, recommending they watch more shows on BBC1, especially the news or documentaries:

“When Fr Pablo reached the church this morning, an elderly parishioner who shall remain nameless shook his hand and asked him, ‘Do ye spake the english, Farr?’. The poor Father thought he’d arrived in South America or Africa. I’ll never get promoted to the bishopric if the Holy See come here to inspect me and are greeted by you lot. Buck up your ideas, people. An award for me is an award for you.”

Meanwhile, the Clonoe’s priests have thanked worshippers for last week’s collection of £788 which will go towards a well deserved holiday in Ibiza for the three of them.

Tyrone Geography Teacher Admits Major Subject Knowledge Malfunction

Cappagh pupil's answer

Cappagh pupil’s answer

Cappagh Grammar School have reassured parents that their children can resit their GCSE Geography after all 33 pupils failed to achieve higher than a U this year. Early reports suggest a major problem with the Geography teacher’s knowledge of the planet outside of Tyrone, with one pupil complaining that her teacher told them Russia didn’t exist and that Drum Manor forest park in Cookstown was a real Irish rainforest full of South American tribes.

Mr Kelly, who has been teaching at Cappagh Grammar since 1999, also admitted to believing Europe and Asia etc were called ‘incontinents’ and that mountains were man-made by Egyptians.

Ex-pupil and IT guru Patsy McGlade revealed:

“We’d warned the school about Mr Kelly. Sure he told us back in 2002 that rain was formed by the Chinese and that the earth has 4 moons – the quarter, half, 3/4 and full ones – going around it. The penny dropped after we left school and bit by bit found out that everything he taught us was wrong. For me, it was when I found out that lap dancers don’t come from Lapland.”

Another past pupil, Kenny Willson, remembered:

“When we were studying oceans he told us that there was no such thing as tides and that people were just walking closer to it or further away and couldn’t remember where it was the last time. We never questioned him. When he said that Russia also didn’t exist we should have worked out he was a fraud. But he was very convincing. He said Russia was like Narnia and made up by the Americans.”

Cappagh Grammar are to fund the resits of GCSE Geography and have reassured students that the Sperrins are not a collection of simmering super-volcanoes ready to blow, as they were previously instructed.

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