An Artist’s Impression Of Stormont Melee
Following a day of turmoil in Stormont, things appeared to go from bad to worse after dinner when apparently Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff accused UUP leader Mike Nesbitt of using the last of the HP Sauce, in badness, and threatened to get Alex Maskey if he did it again.
With tensions running high after Peter Robinson stepped aside as First Minister, Arlene Foster reportedly told Nesbitt that there was another full bottle of HP Sauce in the cupboard and to go ahead and use the last of the brown sauce on the table.
McElduff, who had been sitting at a different table finishing his soup, reportedly ‘went clean mad‘ when he searched for the brown sauce to complement his sausages, champ and beans only to find an empty bottle on its side and Nesbitt slurping on his lasagne drenched in his favourite condiment. Tempers were calmed initially after Foster admitted she was to blame for the mistake, only for things to hot up in the chamber when they retook their seats.
Politics student Lennie Rafferty, on work experience with the SDLP, described how it kicked off:
“There was a tension in the air when they recommenced the day’s agenda after dinner but it all boiled over after Mike Nesbitt started licking his lips and rubbing his belly in front of Barry McElduff. McElduff lost it and there was a free-for-all with the two of them having to be separated by a rake of minor MLAs. Several punches were thrown. Even Arlene got a dig at Alban Maginness.”
Rafferty explained how the ruckus ended when McElduff shouted “I’ll phone Maskey now“.
“You could see Nesbitt’s face go all white and he looked nervous enough as he straightened his suit and made his way to his seat.”
Meanwhile, Sinn Fein issued a statement tonight apologising for McElduff’s outburst but said they understood how eating sausages and beans without HP could send any man, woman or beast over the edge.
Pub Hawkeye 2.0
An experimental device aimed at precisely identifying the time husbands leave a pub in Coalisland will be activated this weekend during a month-long trial run.
Hawkeye, a complex computer system used officially in numerous sports such as cricket, tennis, Gaelic football, badminton, hurling, and soccer, to visually track the trajectory of the ball and display a record of its statistically most likely path as a moving image, has been adapted to signify human movement outside the pub, with the results directly fed back to anyone wearing the special sensor watch, in this case the plethora of doubting wives in Coalisland.
Mary Coleman, who initially championed the idea after her husband repeatedly told her he left the pub at 1am every night despite probably rolling in at a suspected 4am, added:
“This’ll solve the arguments for once and for all. The majority of us wemen are usually fast asleep by midnight so there’s no knowing what time they left the pub at. But he’d have a deadly head on him in the morning despite saying he left the bar at 1am. I reckon they’re heading to a house for more beer. Hawkeye 2.0 will clear up the mystery.”
Kieran Coleman, who has been married to Mary for 33 years, reckons Hawkeye should be unmercifully ripped off the pub’s outside pillar as soon as the owner’s back is turned:
“This is just PC gone mad. Next they’ll be having umpires standing at the door of the house waving a red flag if you’re a good bit later than closing time or a green one if you make it on time. Not only will Hawkeye meet a sorry end this weekend, that watch of hers will be trampled to smithereens if it goes off prematurely and maybe me sitting in the living room watching Pointless. I’ve heard of a ref’s watch buzzing three days after a point at Croke Park which was waved wide at the time.”
Mrs Coleman reminds wives that the special Hawkeye sensor watches can be bought outside Landi’s for £29.99.
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Red Hand Hot Dog
In a remarkable similarity to the recent McDonald’s McMór controversy, County Armagh residents are considering a week-long protest after it emerged that the delicious Red Hand Hot Dog, which has been on sale in over 40 Tyrone fast food outlets since they beat Monaghan in the quarter final, will not have its licence extended outside of the confines of Tyrone’s borders.
The Red Hand Hot Dog has been labelled as the most succulent sausage in a bap ever tasted in Ireland, merging the finest pig meat from the county with fresh homemade baps, and has seen hordes of Armaghicans swarm over the Blackwater every night to feast on an estimated 800 hot dogs on a weekly basis.
Charlemont man and hot dog aficionado, Kevin McNicholl, fumed:
“This is partitionist, racist, xenophobic or something. Why are Tyrone people happy to take our money when we travel to their county to eat these delicious sausages but won’t allow us to serve it in our own county? Sure do you ever see us banning our apples from being consumed in Tyrone? They’re just being mean-spirited. So much for taking the bun out of politics.”
Moy chip shop owner Leo McPollin, the first person to make the food, admitted he had no interest in extending the selling rights to any outlet in Armagh:
“Armagh ones have no right to be looking the licence for the Red Hand Hot Dog. They’ll probably ruin it with apple sauce or something like that. And I refute the accusation that I’m racist. I’ve a dog reared in Maghery.”
A ‘We Exist Y’Know’ rally is to be held in Armagh City tomorrow from 2pm-4pm with protesters urged to come dressed as baps.
Orificium Manuritis
Colm O’Rourke, the ex-Meath hatchet man and RTE pundit, has admitted to feeling ‘mightily relieved’ and ‘a little bit embarrassed’ after finally getting to the root of the ‘bad smell’ which he originally thought was following the Tyrone football team around the place.
O’Rourke, who visited his GP in the aftermath of the Tyrone/Monaghan quarter final after a particularly bad stench, was told by his doctor that the smell was in fact emanating from his own mouth, known in the medical world as Orificium Manuritis, or ‘talking dung’ in layman’s terms.
A friend of the Navan headmaster told us:
“Colm is a happy man tonight. He couldn’t understand why the foul smell would worsen every time he analysed Tyrone games. Don’t get me wrong, the smell was always there no matter what he was harping on about but any time he mentioned the ‘T’ word it went into overdrive. He thought it was coming from the Tyrone squad but we now know he was just spouting shite from his own orifice. It’s a great relief for everyone. Orificium Manuritis is apparently contagious, especially amongst journalists, so it’s important to manage the outbreak.”
RTE have promised to help O’Rourke during his rehabilitation process and will bar him from analysing Tyrone games for 24 months.
Meanwhile, a source from within the Tyrone camp has revealed that Mickey Harte has called an emergency squad meeting this week after watching last week’s ill-tempered semi final between Mayo and Dublin. It is thought that Harte believes Tyrone are ‘still too nice’ to compete with the big three and has called in trainers from the other semi finalists to share their acute expertise in diving, feigning, sledging and off the ball skulduggery which was brilliantly executed on Sunday, at the highest level.
The Town
Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.
Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.
Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:
“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”
Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:
“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”
Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:
McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made…
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The Leaning Cross of Ardboe (formerly The Ardboe Cross)
Several scientists arrived in Ardboe this morning to verify that an unusually powerful earthquake caused the famous Ardboe Cross to lean 11 degrees to its left, resulting in a surge of visitors to the historical site.
The Ardboe Heritage Society (AHS) claim that a localised earthquake struck Ardboe last week, measuring 4.4 on their homemade Richter scale, making it the worst earthquake in Ireland since 2888 BC. Despite no one reporting any shaking or noise in the area, the AHS maintained it was so localised that it occurred directly under the Cross, causing it to slant slightly to the side, making it a place of religious, historical and now geological interest. Since the quake, a fee of £10 must be paid by visitors to the Cross.
Professor Pat Brogan remains unconvinced:
“I can see that it’s bent alright but what caused it is a bit of a mystery. There are no fault lines in Ardboe so it’s highly unlikely to experience any earth movement. After a series of tests, I believe that someone simply leaned against it and now they’re making a lot of money out of it. I saw 300 Chinese tourists at it this morning. That’s £3000 in one go. Crooks.”
AHS chairman John John Quinn is disappointed at Prof. Brogan’s findings:
“Ghost oh boys. Sure how could a man move that by leaning against it. It was definitely an earthquake. My son got a B in his GCSE in Geography there and sure he knows what he’s talking about and he says it was a quake alright. Sure the eels have been behaving queerly since that night, like as if they’re nervous or something.”
Quinn added that it’s only £9 for anyone under 16 to see newly named Leaning Cross of Ardboe.
The cameraman who took out Usain Bolt after his victorious 200m run has been accused of having ‘Tyrone cynicism’ in his DNA after Joe Brolly claimed his grandmother was one of the Corrs from mid-Ulster.
Tao Song, who appeared from nowhere to flatten the champion sprinter, apologised to Bolt at the awards ceremony but too late for RTE pundit Brolly:
“Young Song might be a great cameraman but you can forget about him as a man as far as I’m concerned. You see the Chinese jumping up and down there thinking their camera work has been great but they’ve achieved something rotten in my book. I won’t be going for a pint with him any time soon. He’s one of the Brackaville Corrs I’m told. Not surprised.”
Colm O’Rourke backed his RTE counterpart after a slo-mo analysis of the incident:
“You can see this has been coached into him. It has Harte’s fingerprints all over it, the way he sneaked up and just pulled his man down and the pretended to be hurt himself. This type of behaviour has been following the Beijing cameramen around like a bad smell. It’ll come back to bite them the next time the voting takes place for a major event.”
Michael Corr, head of the Corr Clan organisation in Tyrone confirmed that a Corr woman did marry a Chinese man in 1933 but wanted to set the record straight:
“Yes it looks bad but what about all the other camera man stuff that goes on? Why are they picking on young Song who is a nice modest lad and who knows he probably shouldn’t have done it.”
Brolly also intimated that Song indulged in a bit of sledging before the incident, shouting at Bolt in a thick Chinese/Mid-Ulster accent:
“Let’s see ye run from this ye glipe”
The leaked list from Ashley Madison, a Canada-based online dating service and social networking service marketed to people who are married or in a committed relationship, revealed that a husband and wife from the Brackaville Road in Coalisland had been having an affair with each other for over a year, dressed up as other people.
Pat and Kate Owens, both 54, admitted they were completely unaware that the person they were having an affair with was already the person they were married to. The affair was revealed to each other when they both turned up to tell their ‘partner’ that the relationship was over because of the leaked list.
Pat, who ran a 10k race in 1984, explained:
“I’d hadn’t a clue that it was my wife I was tackling in the car park at Edendork Hall. She was dressed up as a dentist with a Russian accent, whilst I pretended to be a farmer from the west of the county like Aghyaran. Looking back now, I remember thinking it was odd she said ‘this is some handlin’ when we spotted the Bishop of Armagh pulling up in a motor with a blade from Keady. I just thought that wouldn’t be a phrase someone from Russia would come out with but I just thought I’d maybe misheard her.”
Kate Owens also confirmed that she did have her suspicions that her dark secret was maybe a little closer from home than Aghyaran:
“He’d have this strong west Tyrone accent one minute but now and again he’d come out with ‘deadly win for the Fianna, boys‘ during a romantic clench. Never thought it was the husband though as his teeth were always brushed and it was obvious he’d had a shower within the last 48 hours.”
The Owens’ admitted they are now closer than ever but wouldn’t trust each other as far as they’d throw them.
By Landan Seamy
Omagh man police-busting
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has contacted the papers to complain that several times in the last week he has noticed police cars doing way above the speed limit, even in built up areas.
“I’ve no idea what they’re up to but I’m sure it’s no good” Sean began.
“On Monday I was feeling totally scundered after the Kerry match so when one of their cars speeded past me I succumbed to an irrational urge to give chase only to find myself flagged down, pulled over, and questioned by the very same policemen that I was investigating.
Later that night I was explaining to my civilian friends in the pub that there’s absolutely no call for this reckless speeding when one of them suggested they could be heading to the scene of a crime in Armagh or Derry or somewhere like that.
I decided to subject this bizarre theory to a test and can now confirm categorically that there’s not a hate of truth in it for on Tuesday morning I made a hoax call reporting that a robbery was underway in Fintona.
I made the call when out walking on the Dublin Road in Omagh and guess what? I saw 2 police cars racing up the Dublin Road with their sirens blaring in the exact opposite direction to Fintona.
To add insult to injury a few hours later as I was sitting down to write up my notes on the episode two big hallions rapped on my door and started giving me jip about the phone call, insinuating that I was wasting police time.
My mind was still on Dublin and the class restaurants they have around Croke Park so I came up with a story that a cousin of mine in Fintona thought that a robbery was underway at the local Indian restaurant. I guessed that would get them off my back but didn’t they only phone their colleagues in Fintona and discovered I have no cousins there and nor is there an Indian restaurant”.
Sean’s wife says she’s baffled by the entire handlin and has suggested that if the constant police harassment doesn’t cease that her husband might look for a new career.
“Where will the people of Tyrone be then” she raged. “There’s no-one in Ireland who has done more research into aliens and ufos and stuff like that than my Sean. My message to the police is to grow up. But if you want Tyrone to be overrun by aliens then by all means continue what you’re doing”.
In Cooktown Court this morning, a Cooktown plumber who gave his name when asked as Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan, was charged with stealing a deckchair, busking without a licence and using bad language to PSNI officers when apprehended.
The Detective Sergeant, who gave evidence of finding Mulligan outside the O2 shop sitting in the deck chair playing the spoons to the tune of ‘A Nation Once Again’, told the judge of the torrent of abuse he took when asking the defendant to move on:
Judge: And in what way was the defendant abusive?
Detective Sergeant: Very vocally your honour.
Defendant: I’ve had a loud voice since childhood, lad.
Judge: And what did he actually say?
Detective Sergeant: He said ‘get your hands off me you over-fed RUC bastard’.
Judge (to defendant): You know that you used unacceptable language to a man of the peace?
Defendant: I apologise, I should have said PSNI. (laughter in court)
Judge: And how did you acquire the deckchair?
Defendant: I bought it off a man from Moneymore.
Judge: For how much?
Defendant: £390 (laughter in court)
Judge: I remind you of your oath in court.
Defendant: (winking at judge) I know your oul doll, lad.
Detective Sergeant: Your Honour, this is the type of guff we’ve had to put up with.
Judge: You’d be well advised to behave yourself.
Defendant (to Detective Sergeant): Do ye hear him, lad? Behave yourself. (laughter)
Judge: Have you a permanent address?
Defendant: (winking) Have you? (laughter in court)
Judge: Is that a threat?
Defendant: Are you threatening me too then?
After a long deliberation with the jury, Justice McVicker returned to give his verdict. Before speaking, the defendant turned to face the jury:
Defendant: I’ll bate the heads off all of yiz.
Judge: I am to sentence you for suspected theft and illegal busking. I will let you off for abusive language.
Defendant: What about the other 3211 offences I committed, you hairy-arsed bollocks?
Judge: No abusive langu…….What 3211 offences?
Defendant: I’ve written them all down since 1983. Will you hear them all now?
Judge: Court adjourned, indefinitely.
Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan has no date to return.
Inspired by Myles na gCopaleen
Fundoran
Despite record-breaking torrential downpours and fork lightning, the McClure family from the White City in Dungannon maintained they are having ‘a deadly time’ searching for crabs and playing I-Spy in the caravan before the children head back to school next week.
With the disastrous weather during Summer 2015 making it a miserable break for families, hundreds of Tyronians have descended on Downings and Bundoran in a last ditch attempt to give their children something to write about when they get back to English class in school.
Harold McClure (45) revealed he built his best castle ever on Bundoran beach last night with a real-life 30-feet wide moat all around his 5-towered castle which took him 3 hours whilst the children watched in a huddle or kept an eye out for crabs:
“It’s just a pity there was no one else to see it bar the children. The ditch was lethal. It was 7-feet deep full of rainwater, and a real death trap so I got the children to buy and carry a new door from B&Q to act as a bridge. The rain isn’t too bad when you get used to it. Spotting crabs is great fun too. I think we pointed to over 100 crabs though some of them might have been the same ones.”
A caravan site barbecue went ahead anyway despite over 47 inches of rain falling during the feast, with three children hospitalised with acute hypothermia.
Event organiser JJ Doherty admitted the hospitalisation was ‘unfortunate’ but families should ‘feck away off to Malaga or something if they don’t want to run the risk of death whilst chewing on a hotdog during an Irish summer’s day.’
Not to be seen this winter
After a series of baffling decisions in the All-Ireland Semi Final yesterday, Maurice Deegan was added to the list of public figures that Tyrone people are not to send Christmas Cards to whether they know them or not.
Deegan, who has reportedly been given the freedom of Kerry to herd goats down any town’s Main Street, becomes the 10th GAA figure on the list joining luminaries such as Paddy Heaney, Ciaran Whelan, Colm O’Rourke, Pat Spillane, Paddy Russell, Charlie Redmond, Declan O’Sullivan, Joe Brolly and Kevin McStay.
Tyrone Post Office PR Sammy Hurson reminded the public that there’ll be regular checks at their depots throughout December:
“We can confirm that Deegan has been added to the list so we’ve hired a few extra workers to make sure no Christmas Cards slip through and make their ways to these dastardly men. Any cards addressed to the ten men will be burned on the spot and filmed on YouTube.”
With Brolly and Heaney having a rash of Tyrone relations, the PO have suggested donating the price of a card and stamp to the Strabane Donkey Sanctuary or to sponsor a an eel up at the fishery in Toome.
Meanwhile, Deegan has been given the freedom of Kerry ‘For Services To The Kingdom’ according to a Kerry newspaper. The ‘Kerry Kop’ states that Deegan will be free to herd goats anywhere he wants as long as he uses a bit of blue pipe to shepherd the goats and not a stick or a quad bike.
Sources confirmed that Deegan is unaware of the offer but is unlikely to accept the offer after turning down a lifetime membership of the Mayo Supporters’ Society in 2013.
Derry-cum-Tyrone flag
In a gesture of provincial solidarity, the Derry County Board have asked their supporters attending the weekend’s minor semi-final to weigh in behind their great rivals and eternal enemy Tyrone by waving their flags upside-down in the senior game.
The Derry flag, which has the red section closest to the flag pole, or stick, can easily be transformed into a Red Hand flag by holding the flag bit in both hands and have the stick then pointing straight up, making sure the white bit is on the left hand side, or right depending on how you look at it.
Derry County Board Flag Monitor Joe Henry McCrayon added:
“We sort of can’t get our heads around how it will look but it should resemble a pile of people just holding sticks in the air. Unless someone can come up with a better idea we’ll go with this one.”
The origins of having the red bit closest to the Derry pole as opposed to Tyrone having the white part fernenst it is shrouded in mystery. A local Derry myth tells the story of a match between Derry and Tyrone in 1906 when both supporters arrived with the same flag and a fight ensued between supporters, teams and officials as to who devised the red and white flag first. Legend says Tyrone gave in first during the brawl so they were made to use the white flag of surrender closest to the pole.
Alternatively, others say the white first for Tyrone was to signify purity and innocence in how they play the game whereas the Derry red represents the colour of card they’re used to getting.
Either way, Derry are expected to give Tyrone ‘a bit of stick’ the Sunday in a literal sense.
An artist’s impression of the night out
The bar manager at Bar 15 in Belfast confirmed this morning, with the aid of CCTV footage, that a group of co-workers from Cookstown managed to break the 2-hour barrier for non-verbal communication on their annual night out in the big city.
The 5 workers from ‘That IT Shower’ on Molesworth Street all managed to ‘check in’ on Facebook, post a combined 45 pictures of their cocktails on Instagram and browse the latest developments on the Strictly Come Dancing potential line-up on Twitter for two hours and five minutes before a Team Leader asked the rest of the group if anyone wanted another drink.
Waitress Abba Edberg from Sweden added:
“It was a quite remarkable feat. When they all took an individual selfie within the first five minutes I knew we could be onto a new world record here as they spent the next 25 minutes checking to see who liked their picture. Then the Instagramming started and it was all downhill from there. They are a resilient bunch. Oh how we cheered behind the bar when they reached the 2-hour mark.”
One of ‘That IT Shower’ workers told us this morning that it was the best staff night out ever. Billy Sheehy (40) remarked:
“It was deadly craic. I got 210 likes for my selfie, 44 likes for an Instagram of my Margarita with sepia filter and how I laughed at some of the comments on Twitter about Daniel O’Donnell’s appearance on SCD. We’re just a mad bunch of lads and I cannot wait personally until next year’s do. I’m suffering today though…my battery’s dead.”
The previous record for staff night out non-verbal communication occured in 1998 at the joint Sinn Fein and DUP fancy dress party at Stormont which lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes, ending when Martin McGuinness told a dirty joke about a woman in Portrush.
£39.99 McCann wig
A hairdresser in Killyclogher revealed this morning that she has already sold over 30’000 units of Tiernan McCann’s inimitable hairstyle after advertising it in the Tyrone Star earlier in the week.
McCann, who will likely line out for the Red Hands on Sunday against reigning champions Kerry, had his 8-week suspension overturned late last night for over-reacting to a Monaghan player’s attempt to dishevel his finest quality.
In a show of support for the Killyclogher player, local hairdresser Linda McHugh commissioned one life-size copy of McCann’s wig only to be inundated with requests since it made its first public appearance.
McHugh added:
“I initially only ordered one for a lad who came into the shop looking for ‘a McCann’ but he was already a skinhead. So I had to order a similar-looking one from a Japanese website and then glue it onto his head. When the lad wore it to training that night, I received over 300 calls in the morning from men, women and children looking one as well. The Japanese crowd were only too obliging and put their slaves or whatever they have to work on it immediately.”
Moy man and Tyrone expert Colly ‘Dog’ McKill is sure that the sight of 40’000 McCann wigs will swing the game in Tyrone’s favour if it’s tight late on:
“As long as we don’t concede 4 or 8 or even 6 goals early on we’ll be in with a shout on the hour mark. And when the likes of Gooch or Donaghy look up at the Hill and see thousands of black quiffs guldering back at them it might be enough to see Tyrone over the line. I think so anyway.”
A Strabane tanning salon has also witnessed a spike in sun-bed bookings this week with many wanting the full-body McCann experience. The owner, Tony O’Neill, has since stopped the sun-bed option after a GAA aficionado told him Kerry men are usually fairly tanned, being closer to the equator than Tyrone, and that it might be seen as an act of defiance against Tyrone.
The wigs retail at £39.99 and can be purchased in all good supermarkets and small confectionery shops. You can get them for £37.99 if you use the promo code ‘tyronetribulations.’
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