Shock As Local Loughmacrory Youngster Says ‘Thank You’ To Shopkeeper
Thanking Man’s choice
The entire county was awash this morning with awe and wonderment after it emerged that a 15 year old Loughmacrory student thanked the shopkeeper after being handed a quarter pound of white bonbons, costing 89p. Rumours began to emerge late this afternoon that the boy in question, Ronan O’Brien, uttered his thanks without the shopkeeper or parent saying ‘well, what do you say?’.
Henrietta Maguire, a retired headmistress from Clogher, was first to ring our breaking news hotline. She maintains the young boy must be out of his head:
“To be honest I refuse to believe that the young lad thanked the shopkeeper of his own free will. I have been working with young people since the 1950s and the last thanks I got in 1986 when a girl said ‘thanks Miss’ after I gave her class 300 sums to do. I think she was being sarcastic. There’s no way that young Loughmacrory lad thanked them for the bonbons unless he was out of his head on something. He probably said two other words but was misquoted”.
Loughmacrory sheep-warmer Johnny Jacobs disagrees:
“I’m not overly surprised. There had been talk of this young vigilante group emerging in Loughmacrory who tidied their bedrooms and put cups and plates into the dishwasher after using them. This is the next obvious step and I’m glad they’ve gone public now. This puts Loughmacrory back on the map.”
The Tyrone Times have announced they will publish a 4-page pull-out supplement on O’Brien, who has since been labelled as ‘The Thanking Man’.
Loughmacrory Spar have also revealed they are in talks to erect a permanent ‘The Thanking Man Bonbon Stall’ in the shop in O’Brien’s memory despite him being alive and well. They have currently run out of white bonbons.
Washington DC Admits To Listening To Phonecalls In Drumquin, Clady And Augher
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
In the wake of last week’s news of the security services in America listening in on phone calls throughout Europe, an international diplomatic investigation was sparked last night following a confession by a member of staff at the National Security Agency in Washington that he was instructed to secretly listen in on phone calls across County Tyrone.
“Gee, the guys were looking for a dude to secretly listen in to calls in County Teerone, and man, I guess I was the fall guy right from the get-go, being Irish an’ all”, said 28-year old Brent McRobertson. “My great great great great grand neighbour once went to somewhere near Ireland on vacation, so I guess that means I got the Irish blood in me. Anyways, I was listenin’ to all these calls, and seriously, these Teerone guys are crazy. They had all this talk of suckin’ diesel, and I was like, whoa, time check guys! No wonder they’re so unhealthy. That stuff is way disgusting”.
McRobertson said that he initially heard guttural barking and growling noises on the phone, which he initially believed was either interference from a local zoo or satellite disruption, but which subsequently turned out to be two brothers from Augher chatting to each other on the phone. In another phonecall from the Clady area, McRobertson said he overheard death threats being made.
“It was givin’ me the jeepers, man. These guys kept saying they were going to ‘kill Eeshil’ on Friday night, and that they were gonna take a couple of ‘owl blades’ with them. Is an owl blade some sorta bad-ass weapon? Aw man, it sounded like something bad was goin’ down. And who’s Eeshil? Is he some kinda gang leader? That dude’s gonna be history, period”.
McRobertson admitted that despite his Irish credentials he was not completely familiar with some of the local vernacular.
“What’s a ‘buckenbrolly’? Phone call after phone call folks kept talking about ‘that buckenbrolly’, and they were calling it a ‘clift’ which I think means cliff. Is it a place or some sort of geological feature? I tried to find out more on this local social networking site called ‘Slabber’, but it was the pits man”.
One of McRobertson’s colleagues spent an hour on the phone listening to a high-pitched screeching which was later identified as two women from Drumquin arguing about their favourite Nathan Carter track. He was later diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and had to receive extensive counselling.
Twerking, Or Arse-Dancing, Banned At Tyrone Dances
Moy man practising arse-dancing
A multi-denominational approach has seen all religious leaders denounce twerking from their pulpits this morning and warned that any youngsters or middle-aged boogie lovers caught arse-dancing after 8pm in discos and dance halls will be excommunicated from their respective churches.
Arse-dancing involves shaking your behind to all types of music, popularised by Americans such as Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus. Fr Simon Shields, the 55 year old PP of Cappagh Parish, highlighted the dangers of such dancing:
“Us priests and other faith leaders still like to head to the odd disco and enjoy the modern music and clap along. The last thing we need is seeing these dance floors filled with a mass of arses bouncing all over the place to Nathan Carter’s Wagon Wheel or the latest Bangles number. It’s putting us priests off and we’ll end up not going and getting grumpier. It has to stop so we’ve banned this type of dancing for the next two years everywhere in the country from the Glenavon to Sally’s. No more twerking in Tyrone”.
Pastor Daniel Simpson (61) from Fintona agreed:
“Let’s be honest here. Tyrone wouldn’t be a deadly place for arses. I’ve seen hefty men and women in tight leggings bouncing their backsides like as if they’re standing in a trailer on the back of a Massey motoring down a bumpy back road in Greencastle. It’s nauseous for us oul lads. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned waltz or jive?”
Already, one Church of Ireland service goer has been reported by her husband for arse-dancing whilst making the dinner in Aghyaran although she was simply verbally reprimanded by the furious vicar as she beat the 8pm watershed.
Churches as also looking into banning the ‘Rock-the-Boat’ rowing dance as well as Nathan Carter himself.
Brocagh Witch Laments Worst Halloween Ever
Brocagh Biddy
A witch from somewhere on the Ballybeg Road has pleaded with local children to up their game next year after what she claimed was ‘the worst night’s craic in decades’ around Brocagh.
The 300-year old hag, nicknamed Brocagh Biddy, blames computer games for the lack of devilment in today’s youngsters:
“That was cat. The young’uns now just dress up, ring about two doorbells and then head on home to get wired into their ipads or xboxs. Oh for the great Halloween nights of the 60s and 70s when lads would terrorise the elderly by knocking their windows or throw eggs at police cars. I remember watching a group of boys in 1981 chasing the local primary headmaster with a chainsaw through fields. How I laughed. And sure it was all a bit of fun and the master would forget about it after dishing out 6 of the best and 1000 lines on the Monday.”
The Brocagh Biddy also feels her days are numbered as she only managed to scare one victim yesterday:
“Yes, that is true. There’d be a lot of wemen down here who look a bit like me now, so no one bats an eyelid. I did manage to scare one fella outside Vivo and he dropped his eggs but I overhead him saying he thought it was his ex-wife back looking for more money. Not quite the same pleasure for me. It seems that a woman on a broom, cackling like a maniac and holding a cat, is just your run-of-the-mill Brocagh blade these days.”
Biddy confirmed that she might relocate to Ardboe were badness is alive and well on the Loughshore. A whole herd of cattle had lipstick painted on overnight whilst all the windows were removed from the Battery Bar.
Halloween ‘Destroyed’ As School Takes Health & Safety To Extremes
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Angry parents have complained to Dungannon Local Authority after a local primary school announced its plans for a ‘very safe Halloween’, which they say changes the annual October tradition virtually beyond all recognition.
Headmaster of Moy-based Clonless Primary School Aodhan Nugent said,
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Ducking for apples is a dangerous activity. Children shoving their faces into water? I’m surprised no one’s been hurt. No. This stops now. They can bob in the basin, but there’ll be no water in it. Or apples for that matter. They might break their teeth on one. We’re going to use Flumps instead. ‘Flump-Bobbing’ ”.
Nugent continued enthusiastically,
“That’s not all. Trick or treating has had its day. Tricking people sets a terrible example to the children. We’ll still do it like, but instead of ‘Trick or Treat’, we’re going to call it ‘Treat or Another Treat’. We can’t risk weeans getting upset, can we?”
Parents vented their frustration at the reckless breaking of tradition.
“This Trick or Treat business has gone too far”, protested Seamus Devlin, a paper stapler from Brocagh. “When we were 8 years old we used to get a jib crane and hoist cows onto people’s roofs for feck’s sake, or take their gates off and throw them in the graveyard. It was hilarious. Everyone loved it. No-one got hurt. Well, maybe a couple of the cows. Turns out greenhouse roofs aren’t that strong”.
Nugent also decided that pumpkins will be replaced with balloons, and whilst children will not be allowed to draw scary faces on them, they may be allowed to draw what has been described as ‘slightly apprehensive’ faces. Nugent has said that they may even be allowed to blow some of the balloons up.
Scary stories have also been banned, in case it scares any of the children.
“The only scary story round here is that that eejit Nugent’s also going to be in charge of Christmas at the school”, said Devlin. “God only knows what he’ll do with that. Probably ban Christmas cake as a choking hazard, the bollix”.
Nugent confirmed earlier today that parents and pupils can still bring fireworks to the school’s evening Halloween celebrations, provided none of them get set off at any point.
Monaghan Marathon Runner Rugby Tackled By Tyrone Spectator During Dublin Race
Artist impression of Dublin marathon
In what has been described as an unfortunate flashback of the Cavanagh/McManus incident highlighted on RTE by a manic Joe Brolly in August, an unlucky marathon runner from Clontibret was unceremoniously rugby tackled by a Moy spectator just five yards from the finishing line during the Dublin Marathon on Monday, preventing the runner from completing a personal best after his 9th attempt at breaking the four hour barrier.
Although police have refused to charge the Moy marauder, Bingo Hughes is adamant his assailant will pay for his moment of madness:
“I’ll get that boy in the long grass. Funnily enough I’d been thinking that this could happen throughout the whole run. Any time I saw a Tyrone jersey in the crowd I’d be cowering for fear he or she should leap at me without notice. But I didn’t think I’d be vulnerable after 25.9 miles and with a rake of stewards manning the final few yards.”
The tackler in question, Tam Jordan (55), admits the whole occasion got to him:
“To be honest I was just out doing a bit of window shopping looking for dungarees and stuff when I notice this marathon was on. So I watched a bit of it close to the finishing line and as soon as I saw this boy heading for the finishing tape with the Monaghan jersey on him I had this natural impulse to leap out of the crowd and drag the hoor down. I cannot explain it. Then I gave him a couple of digs in the ribs. Mad stuff altogether, like an out of body experience.”
Bingo has since contacted a Dungiven barrister who reportedly rubbed his hands and said something about his appearance fee in Tyrone talk nights doubling yet again.
Bingo Hughes’ official finishing time was 4 hrs and 1 second.
Eglish Husband’s Halloween Jokes ‘A Bridge Too Far’, Wife Tells Friends
When are ye puttin yer mask on?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A husband’s annual Halloween joke of telling his wife, ‘I see you’ve put your mask on early this year!’ backfired yesterday lunchtime when he found himself with a bowl of strawberry-flavoured Angel Delight poured over his head.
Long-suffering wife 52-year old Patricia Faloon said that she had simply had enough of husband John Joe’s barbed Halloween jokes over the course of their 32-year marriage.
“Every year it’s the same buckin’ jokes. I’m fed up with it. Something just snapped and the Angel Delight went over his thick head. He’s lucky he didn’t get the electric whisk shoved into his bake an’ all. He’d have known all about it then”.
Tension had been brewing since the return journey from chapel on Sunday when John Joe saw a black cat crossing the path of the car, at which point he turned to his wife and asked, “Is that yours?” before braying with laughter at his own joke.
Ah come on, it’s just a wee bit of fun”, said a defensive Faloon, a 55-year old wellington washer from Eglish. “Pat’s a right pishmire just now, bless her. She’s a very private person, but I’m sure she won’t mind me telling you she’s going through the change just now and she’s dead touchy all the time. And her piles aren’t helping”.
Other comments usually repeated by Faloon to his wife at this time of year include, “It’s Halloween. Mind no-one pinches yer broomstick”, a comment about apple bobbing, and a risqué joke about a goblin. A grinning Faloon said, “Aw, it’s mighty craic boys. And then after Halloween it’s Christmas, and I can do all my jokes about Santa and balls on the tree and all. But listen though – ‘Is that your cat!’ Class hi!”
“If I hear another broomstick joke he’ll get one shoved up his arse”, said a testy Patricia. “See if he’s laughing then”.
As of 5.30pm this evening, Faloon was contemplating whether or not to make a joke about Pat’s big pumpkins.
Riot At Spud Convention In Cappagh. Priest Sent For.
Man collecting pitters, purdees, poundies or praties?
The annual County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society Convention was abandoned yesterday after police and priests were unable to contain a mass brawl in Cappagh Hall. Eyewitnesses claim to have seen men and women ‘throwing deadly slaps’ and ‘clodding spuds’ at each other after a disagreement over the correct local pronunciation of the potato.
Current County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society chairperson Mary Nolan (68) was not in the mood for a peaceful resolution:
“Them there loughshore ones and go and buck. I’ve never heard of people calling spuds ‘pitters’. Pitters? Everyone knows it ‘purdees’. It was always purdees going back to the 1800s because I was there. And the Strabane ones can bugger off too. Their representative started going on about ‘poundies’. Sure that’s a completely different sort of dish. The westies and the easties couldn’t handle the truth and started boxing and slapping. Well, us Cappaghonians didn’t take it lying down so they got a few hard purdees up their gobs for their troubles.”
Nolan confirmed that they have officially changed their name to the County Tyrone Purdee Appreciation Society much to the annoyance of Washingbay rep Johnny Corr (77):
“Well, if that’s true I’d like to announce the formation of the Continuity Pitter Society. Anyone can sign up, even disaffected purdee people. We will make sure the local spud is called by its correct title. I’d also like to extend a hand of friendship to the new Strabane militant group, The Real Poundie Association. Together we can crush the Purdees. Up the Pitters.”
Fr Henry McAteer, who was called to the scene of the riot, recommended a time of reflection and cool heads:
“This is an emotive issue in Tyrone. The correct pronunciation has hampered us for centuries. It threatened to derail the 1798 rebellion in Tyrone after a massive fallout between the Brocagh and Aghyaran ones over a plate of spuds. I’m prepared to act as peacemaker and suggest we call them praties from now on.”
Fr McAteer has since been chased back to Maynooth.
Police Receiving Calls About Tyrone Children Not Looking Like Others From Their Area
Police realised how a Moy resident should look
Following on from the recent reports of children who don’t look like their parents being wrongly taken from them before being given back with an apology, a rash of calls have been made to the PSNI claiming that some Tyrone children definitely don’t look like the type of children usually living in that particular townland. One of the first appears to be a 14-year old lad from the Moy who was reported as looking more like someone from Donaghmore. PSNI Mad Claims Director Polly Fuller told us:
“Yes, a teenage boy from the Moy was one of the first identified. We were told he was wearing designer gutties and had an earring in. To be fair that’s not the sort of boy associated with the Moy so we bundled him into a jeep and detained him for a couple of hours. Under interrogation he admitted he was going with a girl from Donaghmore and she was giving him fashion advice. We sent him off with a warning to wise up, put his dungarees back on and stop attracting attention to himself.”
A couple of hours later, a 16 year old female was lifted in Ardboe after reports she was spotted near the Battery singing opera-type songs whilst pirouetting and curtseying:
“That is also true. Again, after a two hour session, she revealed she had hopes of making it as a performer in London’s West End. We told her to quit those fancy ideas or we’d hammer it out of her. She was back playing camogie and gutting eels within an hour. Job done.”
A further case was reported in Tattyreagh after a 15-year old male was lifted for using words like ‘wonderful’, ‘jolly good show’ and ‘smashing contribution’. Police have detained the teenager as they’ve yet to find a motive for his marble-mouthed approach but suspect he may have Loughmacrory blood.
Dieting Man Tells Of Determination To Make It Into Local Newspaper
Far healthier than Starburst?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A 42-stone man from Cabragh has told of his ambition to lose a third of his body weight and make it into the Dungannon Observer.
Morbidly obese Sidney Clarke decided to shed some weight after realising that he could no longer see his own feet, but despite his best efforts is unable to shift virtually any of the weight.
“I can’t understand it”, he bemoaned. “Doctor McElhattan gave me a strict diet of wholemeal bread, salad, pulses and veg and stuff. I make sure I have it every single night of the week without fail, just before my normal tea out of the Chinese or chippy. But none of it’s working. Feckin’ doctor. He’s a waste of space. He even told me that since Opal Fruits changed their name to Starburst, they don’t even count as one of my five a day”.
Clarke’s willpower and motivation has also been affected by lack of progress following a book he purchased initially with high hopes, entitled, ‘You’re Amazing! – How To Think Yourself Thin’, basically a 20-word diet stretched into nearly 300 pages costing £19.99 available at all good bookshops to gullible and desperate men like Clarke.
“I’m thinking of a new approach”, confided Clarke. “I’ve read about this diet that’s great for weight loss with guaranteed results, where they basically open you up and rip a whole lock of guts and stuff out your stomach that you don’t need and then stitch you back up again. Mighty. I think that’s a weight loss programme that could really fit with my lifestyle”.
In the meantime Clarke has resorted to other tactics in an effort to get himself noticed.
“I’ve been walking past the Observer offices in Ann Street wearing my ‘I Beat Anorexia!’ t-shirt, hoping that I’d get described as ‘larger than life’ or even as a ‘chubby funster. ‘Fat Lord’ doesn’t really have the same ring about it. And I’d love the Observer to photograph me after losing loads of weight, standing sidey- ways inside my old trousers with a big smile on my face. But I’ve only lost 2 pounds so far and the doctor reckons I have at least 120 to to go. Some handlin’”,
said Clarke, before going into an uncontrollable coughing fit and reaching for a packet of custard creams.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
Coalisland Christmas Investment To Be All Spent On Deadly Tree
Works has started already
Coalisland will be the envy of the world this year after a secret Christmas committee finally decided to spend the recent windfall on a deadly tree.
The news that £15’000 would be spent on decorating Coalisland this Christmas had set tongues wagging for weeks as to what it will be spent on. In order to tap into the excitement, Coalisland council ran a competition asking residents to put their ideas into a suggestion box outside Sullivan’s on the Main Street. The closing date showed that 400 suggestions had been made with the top five listed below:
- A new mural but with Santa in a balaclava
- Flashing balls all over the place
- A big line of tinsel on the electric wires running from Edendork to Clonoe
- A deadly tree
- Spend the money on bacon soap for everyone
Coalisland independent councillor Pat Campbell was impressed at the wide range of ideas:
“There were some brilliant bits of thinking in Coalisland. Unfortunately we just had to turn down most to appease some groups like the NASA, RSPCA or the UN. One I liked was to decorate all animals like cows and dogs with glittery bells, balls, stars and all that stuff. We decided to pump the whole £15’000 into a deadly tree to be placed inside the Cornmill with a hole cut in the roof for it to stick out. It’ll be about 300 foot tall and we’ll get it from Brazil.”
Our investigations showed that £12’000 will be spent on transport from South America, £2000 on decorations, £500 for John Stokes for the loan of his truck and £500 on cocktail sausages for the opening.
The next big question is who will turn on the lights with local bookies offering mouth-watering options:
- Dennis Taylor 2/1f
- Harry Potter 7/2
- Harry McClure 4/1
- Obama 5/1
- Michael Jackson 6/1
- Malachi Cush 6/1
- One of the Spice Girls 8/1
- Ronan McSherry 33/1
- The Clonoe captain 50/1
- A PSNI official 100/1
- A traffic warden 1000/1
- Joe Brolly 10’000-1
Recently Discovered Volcano Under Pomeroy Met With Indifference By Locals
Artist’s impression of post-eruption Pomeroy
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
News emerged yesterday of an active volcano sitting underneath the village of Pomeroy which could erupt at any moment, endangering the lives of thousands.
Pomeroy, Northern Ireland’s highest village, was long-considered to be sitting on the side of what was recently described in the 2013 Irish Journal of Geological Sciences as ‘a fecking big hill’. However, local expert seismologist Dr Kieran Duffy from Ardboe has confirmed that it is indeed actually a volcano which is currently active, and that it could erupt at any time.
“Aye that’s right”, said Duffy. “That volcano’s deadly active boys, and it could erupt at any time. Ghost oh”.
If the volcano does erupt, it is anticipated it could send out an estimated 100,000 tons of rock and ash up to two miles into the earth’s atmosphere, destroying everything within a 30 mile radius in an apocalyptic event not seen on the planet for over 1,000 years.
“I’ve just put a washing out”, complained Kitty Donnelly of Loughbracken Road. “It’s a damned nuisance. If there’s any soot gets on my smalls there’ll be hell to pay. When’s it supposed to erupt? It’s such a good drying day too. Where’s Barry McElduff’s phone number?”
Meantime, there have been reports of panic-buying of marshmallows from Mace, whilst sales of toasting forks in the area have reached an all time high.
Pomeroy Village Council chairman Danny Devlin, said,
“To be honest, we were a bit relaxed about the whole thing. We thought ‘Volcano’ was the name of a pizza with thon wee spicy green yolks on it, out the Fairhill Diner on main street. Now we’re up to speed, if there’s an eruption we’re determined not to make a hames of it. We’ve put a big bucket of water on the corner of the Diamond, and we’ve already started an appeal for oven gloves in case things get too warm. Maybe we should get a wee bag of sand too to be on the safe side. That should do it”.
The volcano has already been dubbed ‘The Broll-cano’, owing to its potential to erupt without warning and for no discernible reason.
Ardboe locals have also moved to reassure Pomeranians that Dr Duffy is clean mad and wasn’t a real doctor of volcanoes. He also predicted an apocalyptic man-eating eel invasion in 2005.
Tyrone In Manic State At Rumours Of Garth Brooks Comeback Concert
Bound for Ballygawley?
Following the news that Garth Brooks might embark on a comeback world tour next year, Stormont officials fear that the whole county of Tyrone will go into shutdown for 12 months. Scientists in Queens University recently discovered that 99% of Tyrone residents start humming, clicking their fingers or drum the steering wheel as soon as a Brooks song comes on the radio with a remarkable 55% breaking into spontaneous line dancing in the kitchen in full view of family and visitors.
Sinn Fein’s Wolfe Tone McGahey told us:
“We’re very worried. There’ll not be a cow milked for a year, a boiler fixed or diesel sucked. As soon as word came out that he might be embarking on this tour, I immediately took a scoot down to Loughmacrory and sure enough every household had dug out their old tape recordings and were blasting out Friends In Low Places with men who should know better dancing and yahooing in their gardens in jeans turned up at the bottom. That county will coup next year.”
McGahey confirmed that they’ve already contacted the UN to see if they’ll send troops into Tyrone in 2014 to get people to go to work and turn off their wirelesses:
“We know exactly what’ll happen. As soon as it turns 2014, Tyronnies will know that’s the year Brooks comes to Ireland and they’ll be playing his stuff morning, noon and night to get ‘geared up’ for it. The Dance will be played on loop on Q101.2 by Paddy Hunter. Schools will have ‘Brooks days’ with children wearing stetsons and cowboy boots, maybe even every day. The Thunder Rolls will be blasting from young lads’ cars at night. This is a disaster.”
Edendork butcher Johnny Nelis admitted he’s beside himself:
“I can’t sleep. Aaaarrrggggggghhhhhh”
Brooks has yet to announce any tour dates yet but Tyrone officials are sure he’ll play at the new Garvaghey Complex in one of the 3G pitches.
Controversial Plan Underway To Privatise Broadcaster Hugo Duncan
Moy Park Hugo?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
An announcement was made yesterday in Stormont confirming plans that Hugo Duncan, one of Ulster’s most celebrated performers and presenters, is likely to be privatised.
Following the successful privatisation of the Post Office just last week, proponents of the hare-brained scheme are now keen to move forward as quickly as possible.
“Thon Hugo Duncan is an institution in Northern Ireland, same as the Post Office is”, said local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann. “So let’s get the wee man from Strabane privatised and be done with. He’s a national treasure, so he’ll be worth a lock of pounds. We’ll make a buckin’ fortune”.
McMann believes there are substantial gains to be made for those willing to invest, and in particular those interested in sponsorship.
“Aye, we expect to get as much as £10m from corporate sponsors, although he might have to make a few tiny concessions. Like changing his name. If we can get some big brands interested he might have to get rid of the Uncle Hugo and change it to something like Ikea Hugo or Moy Park Hugo or Femfresh Hugo or Springisland Duncan. But it’s a small price to pay. When Hugo sees the cheque he’ll be riding the pig’s back hi. A big ‘Tayto’ tattoo plastered all over his forehead won’t be a problem”.
However, opponents of the proposal were far from happy. 46-year old velcro-fastener Kevin Doris from Clogher, said,
“Hugo’s Strabane’s answer to Tony Blackburn. There’s no-one like him. He belongs to the people. Take him into private ownership and in no time we’ll be listening to hophip music and disco rap and suchlike”.
The Strabane-born singer and broadcaster has already attracted interest from potential investors who have indicated they may be willing to invest as much as £1,000 for every ‘skiddly dee’, or up to £4m for a year’s sponsorship of ‘die diddly’.
If a sell-off were to be successful, discussions are already underway on whether Lynette Fay could be floated on the Stock Exchange.
Census Finds New Village Near Omagh, Undiscovered For 500 Years
Largybeg
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Results of the recently published 2011 census have produced some surprising results, including the finding of a previously undiscovered village just outside Omagh.
Largybeg, just two miles east of Omagh, is thought to have lain undiscovered since the dark ages until census takers happened upon the 200-strong village two years ago. Local man Ezekial O’Neill, a 54-year old wizard, was very philosophical.
“Yep, turns out we’ve spent the last five centuries worshipping Sperrin, god of the pollan fish and patron saint of the hot cross bun, when we should in fact have been worshipping this other god. Canavan I think his name is. We feel tara embarrassed.”
“We’ve come a long way you know”, said Barabas McGee, a local leper, in defence of the village. “The last time someone was hung drawn and quartered must have been months ago. They just get hung these days. I think it’s great news. All the menfolk I’ve spoken to are really happy and gay about it”.
Others however were concerned at the news that they were 500 years behind everyone else.
“Apparently we now have to stop burning witches, which is mighty craic altogether on a full moon”, complained Moses Donnelly, a latrine pit emptier. “Sure, where’s the harm in that? It’s political correctness gone mad. I remember someone in the village saying they tried to bring us into the modern world a wee while back with this fella who came in spouting all the stuff about the new century and all that. Can’t remember his name. St Patrick I think. We don’t hold with all that new-fangled dung”.
Others agreed.
“It’s tara. There’s a clatter of stuff I can’t do now. We’re told there’s laws against cousin-marryin, and you can’t drink until you’re a certain age”, said 7 year old chimney sweep Ezra Coyle. “And how am I supposed to sacrifice a goat on the altar every week if I’m not allowed a knife until I’m 18? Sperrin will go off his bap. Thou had better believe it”.
Since being discovered, many in Largybeg have wasted no time in catching up to the 21st century, with some unfortunate consequences. Last Monday, 26-year old Jebediah Connelly, a part-time minstrel, was given a £20 fine for ‘sexting’, the sending of obscene messages and pictures by mobile phone, after he was caught in Omagh tying rude drawings to an iPhone and hurling it at a female passerby.
Omagh Town Council have pledged to help integrate Largybeg into the local community, as soon as the local outbreak of bubonic plague has subsided. They will play a gaelic football game against Dregish next week.
International Reaction To Clonoe’s Victory
FEED THE O’RAHILLY’S
We emailed leaders and celebs across the globe to get their take on Clonoe’s victory over Carrickmore in the county final yesterday. Here is a sample response:
“Holy fook – the carmen were defeated? God darn it. I’d a dollar on Team Barney to bring home the bacon. You do the Math. Have a nice day.” President Obama
“Wonderful news. Do I prefer the O’Rahilly’s over Carrickmore? That would be an ecumenical matter. Let’s just say their weekly donations are healthier. There’s a lot of money in Clonoe. The McGraths and all.” POPE FRANCIS
“What?” Paul McCartney
“Stunning. To see the wee faces of the Clonoe ones brought a tear to my eye. Time for Brocagh, Derrytresk and Derrylaughan to get up off their arses and donate their players to Coney Park. Like feeder clubs. Feed the O’Rahilly’s.” Bob Geldof
“Wow. Just wow. LOL. WTF?” MILEY CYRUS
“Jaysus.” Pope Benedict XVI
“Great to see a six-county team prevail again. Another blow to the republic. No surrender.” SAMMY WILSON
“I’d say Tessie’s got some hammering last night. They’ll be ripping in Falls’ Bar.” VICTORIA BECKHAM
“I regret giving Big Oz the advice about using cooking gloves.” PAT JENNINGS
“What?” JENNIFER ANISTON
“Shocked. Gormley was the toughest marker I ever faced. Showed a healthy interest in my ma too.” LIONEL MESSI
“I’d like to echo Sammy’s comments. Up the Wahillys.” JAMIE BRYSON
“Catch yerself on Bryson.” BARRY MCELDUFF
PSNI Reveal Top Tyrone Excuses
PSNI tightening up
The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.
The statement listed the top 5 excuses:
- (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
- (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
- (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
- (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
- (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)
PSNI spokesman Constable Turntable added:
“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”
Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:
“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”
Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.
Donaghmore Wife Temporarily Leaves Husband Over Fig Rolls
A Donaghmore veterinary surgeon has temporarily moved into a caravan in Carland, away from her loughshore husband, after an on-going row about biscuits being bought for their house/mansion from the local filling station. Edward and Victoria Buckingham-Kensington have promised to patch up their differences in time but admit that a ‘time-out’ situation is the best course of action this weekend.
Victoria described what has forced her to desperate measures, and a trip to Carland:
“Frig the Fig Rolls. Donaghmore people do not eat Fig Rolls. Last week it was Bourbon Creams. The week before Custard Creams. What was he going to do next week? Jammy Dodgers or Pink Panthers? Hobs Nobs would even be better as they sound like the sort of biccie you’d eat around Ivybank Park alright. I’ve had enough. I know I shouldn’t have married a Derrylaughan man but I thought I could civilize him a bit by changing his surname from Donnelly to Buckingham-Kensington but obviously not. Fig Rolls, my posterior.”
Edward (previously known as Red Henry’s Lad) admitted he needs to up his effort if he’s to hold on to his Donaghmore dame:
“Aye, this is a bit of a blow. To be fair I saw the signs. Last week I told her I’d surprise her with a meal when she came back from horse-riding down the Pomeroy Road. I thought the corned-beef sandwiches plastered in brown sauce would do the trick but she went clean berserk and rubbed my face in it. I must try harder. I’m reconsidering the wellingtons and yard brush I got her for Christmas. Maybe I’ll change them for caviar or lobster or something these Donaghmore ones snack on.”
Victoria will remain in the caravan in Carland until her husband convinces her he can shake off the Derrylaughanish, starting with ditching the souped-up Massey he goes to parent-teacher meetings in.
New Radio Station ‘Tyrone FM’ Gets Off To Slow Start; Carrickmore Song Revealed
Boy George, he’s a Carmen man
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone’s newest radio station, Tyrone FM, got off to an uncertain start on Saturday after some prominent guests failed to show up.
Tyrone FM, which broadcasts on 189 Long Wave, received mixed feedback from those who bothered tuning in for the first broadcast on Saturday evening. Radio station owner, manager, broadcaster, presenter and DJ Duncan Hughes, said,
“We started off contacting the biggest names in showbiz, hoping we’d get at least one or two of them along. Philomena couldn’t make it, and neither could Mick Jagger, Madonna, or Bowie. By the time we got all the way through the list we ended up with Eoghan Quigg’s hairdresser which was a bit disappointing. And even she wanted twenty quid”.
Hughes was particularly disappointed about the no-show of one of Ireland’s biggest names.
“We faxed Bono on the Facebook and the Slabber and we didn’t get so much as a peep. I wanted him to do one of their big songs. Something like ‘Radio Gaga’ would have been perfect. Nothing. Who does think he is, a superstar or something? Next single of his isn’t getting played on this station. That’ll learn him”.
Listener Julie Bogue, an apple-corer from Aughabrack, said,
“Without being too unkind, it was dung from start to finish. It was advertised in the Dungannon Observer as a ‘mixture of repartee, music, and the very best in Tyrone banter’. All we got was Hughes complaining about the price of mince and the roadworks on the Ballygawley line”.
Standards fell even further when, in a seemingly desperate attempt to fill air time, Hughes turned up the volume on the TV in the studio and broadcast ‘Winning Streak’ for nearly an hour, followed by an old video recording of ‘George & Mildred’ from 1978.
‘I need to look at the format again”, admitted Hughes. “The on-air ‘Spot the Ball’ was maybe a bit misjudged and the radio version on ‘Galbally On Ice’ was a touch ambitious. Still, I don’t deserve the poundin’ I’ve taken. I’ll show them feckers. Ah’m tellin’ ye, I’m going to be one of the biggest names since Dave Lee Travis. He finished on the radio years ago and even today his name’s still on everyone’s lips. I’m going to be like that”, said a defiant Hughes.
Broadcasting continues this evening with the first airing of the equally disappointing Carrickmore’s song for the final ‘Carmen Chameleon’, the whole of which we can exclusively reveal below.
Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Chameleon
We score the goals, we score the goals
Penrose from Aghyaran and big Oz between the sticks
White, gold and green; white, gold and green
Repeat Again
Repeat Again
Repeat Again
Tyrone Tribulations 