Blog Archives
Healy Park Scoreboard Man Hospitalised With RSI. Stable Now.
McCabe in happier times
Carlito McCabe, who works the scoreboard at Healy Park in Omagh, was described as ‘stable’ today after he was admitted late last night with Repetitive Strain Injury. McCabe, who was on duty during Tyrone’s 5-16 to 0-7 hammering of neighbours Armagh, began complaining on the way home of pains in his wrists and elbows before couping onto the pavement outside The Silver Berch with excruciating stiffness. According to Zappettini & Bradley – this type of injury would be defined as a workplace injury.
Healy Park gateman and close friend, Kieran McMahon, is adamant the Mickey Harte and his Tyrone side should issue a formal apology to his fellow clubman.
“I knew he was in trouble at half time. Tyrone had already racked up 2-10 by that stage and that’s some getting up and down in the cold weather for McCabe. I sent word into the Tyrone changing room at half time to tone it down a bit for McCabe but you know yourself, Mickey can be a headstrong fellow. We saw that when Tyrone scored another goal within 30 secs of the restart. It was a dagger through the heart of McCabe who had only managed to sit down after a boul of soup. I should’ve said nothing.”
McCabe maintains he will seek compensation from the Tyrone County board.
“The elbow is banjaxed. When Tyrone scored their 5th goal all I could shout was ‘Sweet Jaysus and The Holy Donkey’. Them there numbers are heavy. I’ll be expecting a couple of pounds from both county boards. “
Tyrone County Board issued a statement offering best wishes to McCabe for a speedy recovery but told him to count his lucky stars for all those wides in the first half.
‘Strictly’ Fever Has Taken Tyrone Men By Storm
Cabragh man dancing deadly
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The success of the the BBC’s recent series of Celebrity Come Dancing has kick-started a ballroom dancing revolution amongst men across the County.
Barny Patton, a farmer from Carnteel, admitted that the dancing bug had got a hold of him.
“I’ve always been forward thinking when it comes to technology. I see myself as a bit of a Fred Astaire and having no sense of rhythm whatsoever isn’t going to stop me. And neither is a club foot. Dancing’s class. There’s nothing I like more than slipping into my tailcoats and top hat after I’ve finished rounding up the cattle.”
Asked for his expert view to help make sense out of the phenomenon, Russian-born former top ballroom dancer Demitri Vladovic addedd,
“Them Tyrone boyos are mad hoors for the ballroom. It’s all high kicks and suchlike any time you see a group of men round Dungannon Square. They can’t get enough of it. Walk into Paddy Power in Scotch Street and it’s like Riverdance ”.
“They do the zumba in Killeeshil Community Centre every Monday night, and I reckoned they’d go wild for the ballroom”, admitted dance enthusiast Gareth McAvoy, a 42-year old mechanic from Cabragh . “So I walked straight in and grabbed this big redhead by the waist and leaned her backwards like in thon picters of returning American GIs, until her head was nearly on the floor. Classy? You’d think so, but she didn’t. And neither did the police. £300 fine and an injunction from going within 500 yards of the community centre for the next two years. Tara”.
Sources confirmed that many hen sheds across the County have secretly been converted into make-shift ballrooms.
“I didn’t think much of it to begin with”, said wife Sheila Cunningham. “Why shouldn’t my husband install a 3-foot wide glitterball hanging down from the roof? I just thought it was there to cheer them poor wee chickens up. But when I saw him execute a perfect cross-body lead with reverse turn whilst scooping three dead hens up off the floor, I started to have a few suspicions”.
Other men confirmed that they struggled to find an outlet for their passion.
“I went to Mantis Night Club in Omagh on Saturday”, explained 23-year old slaughterhouse worker Frankie Cush from Drumquin. “I thought it would be the perfect location to throw a few of my new ballroom moves, but it was a fiasco. You try doing the pasa doble to ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ by the Prodigy. I ended up having to switch to the rhumba. I was mortified”.
Meanwhile, the influence of reality television shows continues unabated following reports of a surge in menfolk banning wives from kitchens whilst they have a ‘mad try at the baking’.
Tanning Studio In Strabane Closed Down Following Customer Complaints
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A controversial retail outlet which opened in Strabane last week was temporarily closed by health officials on Monday pending an investigation into lack of safety practices and potential impropriety.
‘The Tan in Strabane’, a tanning studio in Urney Road, owned and operated by farmer Eamon Nugent, was investigated by trading standard officials from Omagh following numerous complaints.
Nugent defended his shop putting it down to what he called ‘teething troubles’.
“I’ve been in the tanning industry a long time”, he said. “Twice to Benidorm and a week in Bundoran last July during that boiling hot spell. Mighty. There’s not much I don’t know about getting a tan”.
Customers have accused the services of falling far below their expectations, including the ‘Super Deluxe All-Over Tanning Booth’, which consisted of Toner in a pair of dungarees holding two roller brushes and a bucket of what apparently looked suspiciously like creosote.
“Creosote? How dare you. Not in my establishment”, bristled Nugent. “I use nothing but the finest products. Anyway, if it was good enough for 200 yards of timber fence, it’s good enough for some of the wemin round these parts. Thon last coat went on in 2008 and it still looks like new. What are they complaining about?”
Other complaints relate to the ‘Nail & Beauty Bar’, consisting of a pair of pliers, a wire brush, and some sandpaper. Nugent was also accused of over-charging a generously-proportioned customer for a tanning session on account of her size.
“Aye, she was a big unit all right”, admitted Nugent. “I told her that because of the extra beef on her she’d get charged more so I slapped on an extra tenner. Materials aren’t free you know. Should have charged her per square foot. I’d have made a buckin’ fortune”.
Trading standards official Ronan Docherty, said,
“What are people playing at anyway, trying to get tan round these parts? It’s hardly Donaghmore is it? They’re not wise in Strabane. They’re trying to compete with all these Europeans types that have moved here when everyone knows that Strabane people can do two colours – tomato or snow. Half them ones that went to that shop would get burnt looking a picture of the moon. Eejits”.
The salon is closed until further notice.
Tyrone MOT Inspectors The Richest In Europe
Figures released today indicate that MOT inspectors from various inspection garages across Tyrone are amongst the richest people in Europe, rivalling royalty, Formula One owners and international footballers in terms of take-home pay. The controversial statistics come as no surprise to car owners across the county as evidenced by their attitude towards MOT inspectors.
Paddy Hanna, a Brackaville kite-maker, told us:
“Sure couldn’t I have told you that myself. I was failed last week in the MOT centre in Cookstown for having a dirty wing mirror. I took it back yesterday having washed it and he failed me again for having a car park sticker on the wing mirror that was under the dirt last week. Theiving hoors.”
The Italian newspaper El Papar listed three MOT inspectors from Omagh in category 1, earning anything up to £2m a year after tax. Henry Davidson from Drumragh reckoned that was a conservative sum:
“It’s no secret that these men and women are taking backhanders. I see boys winking and bringing through fleets of old Lithuanian motors, and then handing over a brown envelope. The cars drive straight through and come out the other side within 5 seconds. No stopping. Just a line of continuous traffic. And there’s me watching my car getting jerked all over the shop and failing on an air freshener or something. We’re some mugs.”
The Tyrone MOT Union Rep said boys like Davidson need to be careful about making allegations like that about envelopes:
“We’re as clean as you can get. He has probably seen registrations documents passed over or lunches from mummies or something. We’re just tightening up on the whole dirt thing. Some of the cars knocking about are just balls of muck with an engine in it.”
The next richest group from the county were the water filter sellers from the 80s.
Rumours Rife Of Bad Boys From Carrickmore On Santa List
Rumours sweeping the county this morning suggest that Santa Claus is contemplating bypassing Carrickmore completely after a disgruntled elf leaked the bad list on his ElfLeak website.
If true, this is not the first time a Tyrone village has been affected by questionable behaviour. In 1964 Pomeroy was completely ignored by the Clauses after a wrecking session in the AOH Hall outside the Diamond when the Plunketts won the Junior Championship.
The disgruntled Elf, ‘Charlie’, leaked the list after he was told he wouldn’t be on the sleigh again on Christmas Eve – the 32nd consecutive year he’d have to sit it out. 39 names from Ireland were on the supposed naughty list; 31 from Carrickmore, 6 from Dublin and 2 from Keady. Charlie was clear as to why Carrickmore were badly hit:
“After they went out of the championship to Clonoe early on we expected a small bit of messing but they wrecked about for the guts of two weeks. Broken lamp posts, men falling into hedges and shouting at the children were the main offences. Of the 31 on the list, 24 are squad members, 6 uncles of players, and the parish priest. Mr Claus was rubbing his hands at the thought of not having to go up the Termon Road the year.”
Meanwhile, Ballygawley Roundabout spokesperson Sheila Bryans has reminded Santa of the need to adhere to road etiquette at all times:
“We’re sick of the Clauses leaving the roundabout in tatters every year. He just goes straight through the middle of it and leaves the bushes in s***e. One more time, and we’ll be waiting on him next year. And yes, that is a threat.”
North Pole PR secretary promised to be more careful this year but blamed Ardboe residents for leaving whiskey out for the reindeer every year.
Mobile Phone Coverage ‘Isn’t What It Used To Be’ Complain Tyrone Residents
Better reception – goddammit.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A growing number of residents across Tyrone are making official complaints to mobile phone companies following the news that mobile phone coverage is steadily increasing and now covers 96% of the County.
“It’s tara”, grumbled 28 year old Ernest Johnson, an auto-pilot from Carrickmore. “My house was a blackspot for years. It was class. It gave me a great excuse not to call people back or to tell them I hadn’t picked up their voicemail. Now I’ve got no defence”.
Similar complaints have been made by other phone users, in particular about the former blackspot outside between Craigavon and Dungannon on the A4 which now has excellent coverage.
“It’s cat”, said Orla Milligan, a levitationist from Aughabrack. “I used to be able to time it nicely so that after five minutes on the phone to my ma I’d get cut off. Now I have to pretend and start shouting, ‘I’m going into a tunnel’. There’s no buckin’ tunnels there. The least them ‘uns at Vodafone can do is build one to help me out”.
Siobhan Fox, a panda trainer from Eglish, agreed.
“Round these parts we’re used to ending every call with ‘Hello?’ being yelled down the phone half a dozen times. This improved coverage isn’t good enough. I was on the phone to my brother for nearly an hour last night. Jaysus, that man talks shite. I ended up putting him on mute because a repeat of Lesser Spotted Ulster was coming on. Some handlin”.
One resident, Frank Cassidy, a part-time thief from Omagh, took matters into his own hands.
“Thon phone boys are cunning. They make these mobile phone masts to look like trees so you can’t notice them, but I’m wise to that. So I took a chainsaw to three of them up the Dooish Mountain. Huge feckers, about a 200 foot high. Turns out they were real trees after all. Come to think of it, they did look dead realistic”.
The Tyrone Society of Pub Quizmasters, which has 60,000 members, are staging a rally in Coalisland on Saturday to protest that people can now cheat at pub quizzes by sneakily Googling the answers under the table.
Councillors ‘Deadly Embarrassed’ As Council Debt Spirals To £20 Million
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Total council debt in Tyrone has spiralled to £19.8m, it has been revealed, with Omagh’s local authority accounting for £10.3m, and Dungannon & South Tyrone Borough’s standing at £5.2m. Magherafelt is the only local authority which is currently debt-free.
Commenting on Omagh’s £10.3m debt with only the flimsiest grasp of the scale of the problem, Councillor Enda McMann said,
“Over £10 million? Jaysus. That’s unbelievable isn’t it? Although to be honest it was a mighty night out”, he said sheepishly. “We were all in Tally’s and the hard stuff was flowing. I didn’t think we spent that much, but I suppose thon flaming sambuca yolks don’t pay for themselves, do they? £10 million. Eff me pink. We shouldn’t have ordered all them sandwiches. That can’t have helped”.
McMann spent all day Wednesday ‘doing his bit for the people’ to re-coup some of Omagh’s portion of the loss, by looking for spare change down the back of all the chairs and seats in the Council building, and investigating whether refunds can still be obtained at newsagents on empty bottles of pop.
In the event that these measures fail to recover the loss, Omagh Council last night called an emergency general meeting and produced a number of hare-brained, half-baked, ill-considered, knee-jerk solutions to be put into place from 1st December, including: –
• Parking charges for all cattle. Standing in any one part of a field – first 20 minutes free, then 50 pence for every hour, or part thereof. Discounts on Sundays and Bank Holidays.
• Auctioning off every Dungannon Swifts player. Reserve price £200 each, or £250 with extended warranty.
• Renting the Garvaghey Complex to Manchester United as a spare training ground.
• Controversial ‘Tayto Tax’. Charge of £100 on any member of the public eating crisps during daylight hours in an open space. £125 for grab bags.
• Privatising Hugo Duncan. Again.
• Sightseeing tours of the new Newell’s store in Coalisland.
In the meantime Omagh Council has ordered an investigation into how the debt could have spiralled out of control. It will be undertaken by an independent analyst, and is likely to cost £300,000.
Census Finds New Village Near Omagh, Undiscovered For 500 Years
Largybeg
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Results of the recently published 2011 census have produced some surprising results, including the finding of a previously undiscovered village just outside Omagh.
Largybeg, just two miles east of Omagh, is thought to have lain undiscovered since the dark ages until census takers happened upon the 200-strong village two years ago. Local man Ezekial O’Neill, a 54-year old wizard, was very philosophical.
“Yep, turns out we’ve spent the last five centuries worshipping Sperrin, god of the pollan fish and patron saint of the hot cross bun, when we should in fact have been worshipping this other god. Canavan I think his name is. We feel tara embarrassed.”
“We’ve come a long way you know”, said Barabas McGee, a local leper, in defence of the village. “The last time someone was hung drawn and quartered must have been months ago. They just get hung these days. I think it’s great news. All the menfolk I’ve spoken to are really happy and gay about it”.
Others however were concerned at the news that they were 500 years behind everyone else.
“Apparently we now have to stop burning witches, which is mighty craic altogether on a full moon”, complained Moses Donnelly, a latrine pit emptier. “Sure, where’s the harm in that? It’s political correctness gone mad. I remember someone in the village saying they tried to bring us into the modern world a wee while back with this fella who came in spouting all the stuff about the new century and all that. Can’t remember his name. St Patrick I think. We don’t hold with all that new-fangled dung”.
Others agreed.
“It’s tara. There’s a clatter of stuff I can’t do now. We’re told there’s laws against cousin-marryin, and you can’t drink until you’re a certain age”, said 7 year old chimney sweep Ezra Coyle. “And how am I supposed to sacrifice a goat on the altar every week if I’m not allowed a knife until I’m 18? Sperrin will go off his bap. Thou had better believe it”.
Since being discovered, many in Largybeg have wasted no time in catching up to the 21st century, with some unfortunate consequences. Last Monday, 26-year old Jebediah Connelly, a part-time minstrel, was given a £20 fine for ‘sexting’, the sending of obscene messages and pictures by mobile phone, after he was caught in Omagh tying rude drawings to an iPhone and hurling it at a female passerby.
Omagh Town Council have pledged to help integrate Largybeg into the local community, as soon as the local outbreak of bubonic plague has subsided. They will play a gaelic football game against Dregish next week.
Omagh Man Gets Wrong Flight Home. Ends Up In Omaha.
Seamie Corrigan, on plane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.
Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.
“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote aff. I fell into the taxi and just told yer man to take me to Omagh town centre”.
Asked how soon he realised he was in the wrong continent, an indignant Corrigan replied,
“Incontinent? Watch it ye boy. That was just a wee misunderstanding on the plane. I spilled a glass of water on my trousers, that’s all. Don’t you believe anything different. Anyways, the queues for the bogs on that plane was ridiculous. I was burstin’”.
Looking back, Corrigan realised something wasn’t quite right as soon as he arrived in Omaha in Nebraska.
“I suppose I should have twigged straightaway I wasn’t back in Ireland when it was September and the rain wasn’t throwin’ it down. And the taxi driver was speaking with this really funny accent, saying ‘howdy’ and ‘shucks’ and suchlike, but I just assumed he was from Killeeshil or some place like that”.
The hapless Corrigan only realised the extent of his problem when he went into a local bar to order a drink, and was greeted by a barmaid with a warm and friendly smile who provided prompt and efficient service.
“Ach, Omagh is alright, but some of them wemmin working in the bars have a face like a pishmire. That’s when I knew something had gone badly wrong. And they don’t even have bullfighting in Italy. Some handlin’”.
The incident follows a report just a few weeks ago of a man from the Washingbay area who ended up spending nearly a month in Washington DC before realising he was on the wrong continent over 3,000 miles off course.
New Tyrone Social Media Site ‘Slabber’ Fails To Reach Target Membership
Despite confident predictions that his social media rival to Twitter would reach four million members in the first week, Eskra computer guru Francey Taggart admitted the uptake of ‘Slabber’ was not as successful as he had imagined.
A week after its launch at a dinner dance in Kelly’s Inn, only three people had permanently signed up to the new service and were “slabbering” regularly – Taggart himself, his cousin in Kildress and a man from Plumbridge. Slabber is a simple social network where people share thoughts with a limit of two words set on all posts. It seems that these restrictions may have been slightly off-putting for potential users.
Kitty Horridge, a fiddle fixer from Fintona, tried the new platform for three hours:
“It’ll never take off. I know we’re known for not saying much around these parts but this is taking the biscuit. I wanted to tell people that I was having a bad day. All I could slabber was – ‘Annoyed. Me.’ Someone slabbered back – ‘Hope. Well.’ I said ‘OK. Soon’. She said ‘what. meet?’ I said ‘No. No’. She slabbered ‘Hateful. Bitch.’ It was all just too confusing. We’ve now fallen out over a slabbering misunderstanding because of this buckin yoke.”
Taggart maintains it’s early days and still predicts he’ll be a multi-millionare by Christmas.
“People are quick to judge in these parts. OK, there have been some teething problems like the fella who evacuated the whole of Omagh when he slabbered ‘Omagh. Smoking.’ The PSNI were too trigger-happy and cordoned off all roads. All the lad was saying was he was having a cigarette around the back of Sally’s. Give it time. The lad from Plumbridge is some craic. He slabbered a joke yesterday ‘Chicken. Glue.’ Jaysus I laughed for hours…hen crossed the road because he was glued to the back of a chicken I was thinking. That’s the beauty of Slabber. It can be what you want.”
So far only one celebrity has momentarily signed up. Hugo Duncan slabbered “Diddily. Uncle’.
Tattyreagh Man Dresses Up As He-Man In Court, Wife As She-Ra. Charges Dropped.
Tattyreagh’s finest
Borrowing inspiration from Willie Frazer’s fancy dress stunt in Belfast today, Tattyreagh duo Peter and Mary McBride donned the costumes of 1980s cartoon heroes He-Man and She-Ra in Omagh Court today in an attempt to overturn the repossession of their house on the Blackfort Road, after nine months of eviction notices due to non-payment of mortgage.
Peter McBride, a 52-year downhill gardener, explained his decision:
“You know, if it’s good enough for Willie and Jamie it’s good enough for my Mary and me. We studied the law last night and came to the conclusion that in Masters Of the Universe and She-Ra:Princess Of Power, there was no indication that the villain-catching duo ever met their mortgage payments on Castle Grayskull. In fact, quite the opposite. There didn’t seem to be any income coming in and the government seemed to be happy enough as long as they kept Skeletor at bay. There can’t be one rule for fictional cartoon heroes and another for common gardeners.”
Judge Sheila Smilie backed the McBrides’ plea, stating that TV producers need to show more responsibility in their programming before we have Wombles, Sooty and Sweep as well as Bungle from Rainbow all turning up getting off petty crime.
Peter McBride admitted he was surprised things turned out favourably:
“By the power of Grayskull, I thought we’d be laughed out of it. We’re away to celebrate with a cheesy chip.”
….before exclaiming “I Have The Power” and raising his walking stick into the Autumnal Omagh air.
Mixed Feelings On Arthur’s Day In Tyrone
We took a spin around the county to test the temperature on the Guinness money-spinner ‘Arthur’s Day’.
“Arthur’s Day my arse.” SANDY SAVAGE, NEWMILLS
“To be honest, every day’s an Arthur’s Day in our house. Yer man comes home full of stout after a few in Quinn’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then he goes on a charge on Sundays and Saturdays. But listen, being a parish priest ain’t easy.” MRS TONER, BALLYGAWLEY PAROCHIAL HALL
“I think it’s great we’re finally acknowledging the great joy Art McCrory brought us. Mickey’s Day just sounds like a Dublin brothel.” PADDY KAVANAGH, DUNGANNON
“Ach I wouldn’t be up-to-date on Christy Moore’s stuff. Is it any good? Hard to bate Don’t Forget Yer Shovel.” R MCSHINNY, COALISLAND
“The basterd. I left a stocking at the end of the bed last night hoping he’d have left a tin or two in the morning. Nothing”. D DEVLIN, GREENCASTLE
“I hate it. St Patrick didn’t chase the snakes out of Ireland so we could brew stout morning to night. Or, …did he?” G MCCANN, MOY
“I’m sick of these Irish stereotyping holidays. As soon as I finish my pint, I’m going to punch someone with my Shillelagh, begob”. P MURPHY, CAPPAGH SHEBEEN
“They should call tomorrow National Sewage Day. There’ll be some blockages in the morning going by the shower drinking stout in Sally’s.” J MCMAHON, OMAGH
“Ghost-oh” MOST OF ARDBOE
“Bloody hell. Christmas, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween and now this. All holidays invented by the Stormont government boys to fleece us all.” F LOGAN, STEWARTSTOWN
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Urney Pub Manager Determined To Improve ‘Customer Experience’ After Attending Marketing Course
McGee’s in Urney
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The manager of a local bar in Urney has launched a marketing campaign in a determined effort to improve the quality of service to its customers. Paul Taggart, who runs McGee’s Bar in the hamlet, decided to improve the pub after having attended a 1-day marketing course in Omagh last month. He denies that he is using big words he learned on the course without knowing what they mean.
Launched with the slogan, ‘Come to McGee’s. You Won’t Get Better’, Taggart said,
“We really want to dynamise the whole customer experience and start taking a collaborative approach with the clientele. That’s why we’re going to put fresh sawdust down in the bogs once a week from now on. And we’ve also got some of them deadly wee blue things to stick in the urinals, like they’ve got in the upmarket bars in Donaghmore. McGee’s is going places. Make no mistake”.
He went on,
“We need some actionable strategies that will help give people a relaxed and tranquil environment, that makes them want to come in and get completely hammered”.
Locals however have not responded well to the new approach, with many customers saying that the decision to start serving fancy cocktails such as lager and lime, and stocking new-fangled flavoured crisps like Worcester sauce was ‘a bridge too far’. One anonymous regular complained that after having been forcibly ejected from McGee’s on Friday for making favourable comments about Joe Brolly, Taggart asked him to complete a questionnaire on his ‘experience’.
“Listen to this”, fumed the 58-year old borderline alcoholic. “‘On a scale of 1 to 10 how satisfied are you with the way you were thrown into the schuch?’ Any more of that shite and I’ll take a collaborative approach to slapping him in the bake. That bollox has gone on thon course and come back with his mouth full of marbles”.
Another customer who also asked not to be named said he was asked by Taggart whether the ambience of the bar lived up to his expectations.
“I wouldn’t have minded, but I was vomiting all over my own legs at the time. There’s a time and a place. Jaysus, I must’ve had a skinful”.
“It’s a transitional project”, admitted Taggart, who said that the questionnaire was aimed at his ‘target demographic’ which are regulars who frequently become angry with inanimate objects, or loudly claim to be an expert on things they know nothing about when sober.
Loughmacrory Wife Rubbishes Husband’s Sub 4-Minute Mile Claim
Curran – a fast man or clampit?
A Loughmacrory plumber, Mickey Curran (44), was this morning still maintaining he ran a mile in 3 mins 45 seconds – becoming only the fourth man in history to do so – on his first run ever trying to lose a bit of weight. His wife has continued to pour scorn on the claim, insisting that he paused the time on his phone by mistake and that he was actually gone from the house for ‘over an hour’.
Curran, a 20-a-day smoker who currently weighs 17 stone and hasn’t run since he was 14 or so, decided to get fit after making fun of a hefty reflection of a man in a shop window in Omagh before realising it was himself. Setting off down the Crotty Road yesterday morning, Curran says he wasn’t surprised at his record breaking time:
“I had a fair idea I was flying. Although I haven’t exercised in 30 years and am carrying a bit of timber, I’ve always imagined I’d be a deadly runner. I remember watching the lympics and saying to herself that I’d bate most of them Africans no bother. And I’ve just proved it. That Morrocan boy (Hicham El Guerrouj) may get used to the fact that by the end of this week his 3:43 time will be shattered, right here in Loughmacrory. A mile seems to be my distance”.
Daisy Curran has rubbished her husband’s claims and maintains he’s just making an idiot out of himself:
“Jaysus, he’s some dick. He was gone for over an hour and came back with vomit streaming down his Frankie Goes To Hollywood t-shirt. Sure I could see him out the kitchen window. He barely made it down our lane and that’s only 10 metres. Clampit. He has accidentally pushed the pause button on the iphone”.
Curran has set his sights on breaking world records for javelin, shot-put, 100m and downhill skiing by the end of the month.
Ugly Scenes As Two Carnteel Pensioners Battle To Pay For Tea And Scones
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Two women pensioners attended Omagh County Court yesterday after they were involved in a heated debate over who was paying for tea.
The incident occurred on the 20th July, when both women insisted on paying the £3.60 bill for a pot of tea and two fruit scones. The women, Rose Coyle and Bernie Gallen, both 78 and from Carnteel, got into an unseemly tussle, with threats of pulling and dragging gathering momentum.
Cafe owner Bridie McDuff’s court statement pulled no punches:
“It was tara. I put the bill on their table and a few minutes later all I heard was Rose Coyle shouting, ‘It’s Tuesday. I always pay on a Tuesday. Put it away, put it away. Let me’. She was trying to shove Mrs Gallen’s purse back into her handbag, and then it all spilt out all over the floor. Jaysus, the smell of Just Musk nearly knocked me out. The PSNI should think about using that stuff instead of tear gas. My eyes are still waterin.”
The argument worsened when Gallen picked up a teaspoon to remonstrate with Coyle, but then promptly put it back down again saying she was a slave to her arthritis and that her knuckles would be the death of her, and then gave a lengthy diagnosis of her piles. Coyle subsequently waved an almond slice in Gallen’s general direction before accidentally knocking over a whole plate of French fancies and cherry bakewells from the counter. Both were left flustered by the episode.
When asked whether she would maintain her friendship with Coyle, Bernie Gallen said,
“Eh?”
Gallen was charged with breach of the peace, and for acting in a threatening manner with a packet of cola cubes. She was fined £10, and banned from talking about her piles anywhere close to Carnteel. Coyle was fined £5 and told that she would not be allowed within a 100 yard radius of an almond slice for the next 12 months.
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Education Board Release Unusual Tyrone GSCE Answers
The Northern Ireland Education Authority have moved to raise the spirits of locals after the recent rainy weather by releasing some of the more surreal answers given to GSCE questions by a selection of Tyrone pupils.
Listed below are some of the answers:
Q. What is the correct name for a row of houses in Carrickmore joined together.
A. Terrorist Housing.
Q. What food was laid on for the Last Supper?
A. Probably black puddin and cabbage. It didn’t say.
Q. A new fashion business is opening in Omagh. Is Omagh a prime location for such a business?
A. No. Omagh people aren’t fashionable.
Q. As the crow flies, how many miles are there between Coalisland and Omagh?
A. With the new road, you don’t need a crow now.
Q. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle?
A. Can’t see it. Be hard to pull a woman in Sally’s.
Q. What is a female moth?
A. A myth
Q. Give an example of Intensive Farming in Loughmacrory?
A. It’s when oul McNabb won’t take a day off..
Q. Give an example of a wholesaler in Coalisland
A. It’s when Landi’s give you a whole fish instead of a shrimp.
Q. What do Mahatma Gandhi and Hugo Duncan have in common?
A. Unusual names.
Q. You live in Galbally. Name the 4 seasons.
A. Vinegar, salt, brown sauce and mustard.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink in the Torrent river?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Explain Global Warming
A: A load of bollocks says my daddy.
Q. What happened in Ireland in 1798?
A. Kerry won the All-Ireland, probably.
Q. Name five animals you would see wild in Brocagh
A. Four badgers and a mink
Q. Why would a telecommunicatons mast be bad for health in Killeeshil?
A. You might walk into it.
Q. How can you avoid flooding around Lough Neagh?
A. By placing a few big dames in it.
Q. If the traffic lights in Urney show red, what do you do?
A. Phone the police. Someone stole traffic lights.
County Tyrone’s Top-Ranked Tennis Player Gutted About Not Making It To Final Rounds
Tyrone’s no.1
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone’s highest-ranked tennis player, Connor Muldoon from Dregish, has once again failed to make it to the final stages of Wimbledon.
Whilst official world rankings only include the top 1,000 players, it is believed that Muldoon, whilst number 1 in Tyrone, ranks approximately 6-millionth in the world. He tried to enter this year’s Wimbledon tournament on the wild card entry system, but was rejected on the grounds of not having the necessary funds to travel to London, lack of an authenticated playing record, and for not having a tennis racquet.
“I’m devastated”, said the forlorn player. “I really thought that this was going to be my year. With Roger Federal and the other one already knocked out, I could have gone all the way. If I had just got in in the first place”.
Muldoon was originally tipped to win the tournament by bookies in Omagh as somewhat of an outsider at odds of 10,000,000 to 1.
“That proves my point, see?” said Muldoon. “A 1 in 10 million chance. That means even the bookies think I’ve got a chance. And they haven’t even seen me play. I’m deadly. And thon strawberries and cream are quare. I’d be horsin’ them into them by the punnet. I’d fit right in. And I reckon I could take thon Venus brothers on and give them a right going over”.
Muldoon had plenty of advice to offer the current contenders.
“I’ve been watching the technique of thon Scotch boy Andy Murdoch, and he’s vulnerable”, he said. “When he hits the ball with the bat thing he’s not hitting it hard enough. He should hit it harder. I can hit the ball really hard. They’re my favourites. Bang! Like that. Mighty. And he needs to work on his tantrums. They’re not tantrums. I’ll show him tantrums. If thon referee called one of my hits out I’d drag him off his big ladder and cut the lining out of him. I’d stick that Hawkeye yolk right up his arse. That’d learn him”.
“I’m definitely going to win Wimbledon next year”, said a determined Muldoon. “Once I learn the rules there’ll be no stopping me”.
Ardboe Pensioner Creates 5-Mile Tailback Going to Omagh
Gonzales Quinn last week
An Ardboe octogenarian created havoc in mid-Ulster yesterday after setting out on a 37 mile journey to Omagh to visit a sister he hadn’t seen since 1988. James ‘Gonzales’ Quinn, a former eel skinner and well known for his speedy knife method, cranked up his 1957 Wolseley for a journey that would hold Tyrone to a standstill as 944 motors found themselves stuck behind him up the Omagh Road for almost four hours. One such driver, Peter Devlin from Carnan, explained:
“Jaysus it was cat. I was also heading to Omagh to pick up a part for a woman’s undergarment when I found myself directly behind Gonzales at the Cookstown roundabout. I remember being stuck behind him in 1996 but overtook him when he stopped the car near the Battery for a bite of a sandwich. This time, he wasn’t stopping. Twice I made the move to go by him only for Gonzales to veer right over the middle lines. Any other man and you’d think he was winding you up. Not Gonzales. He’s just a wild man at the wheel, and him doing 20mph.”
By the time Quinn reached Kildress, a line of 200 cars had formed behind him, mostly at a snail’s pace. One impatient passenger, reportedly a postman from Coagh, took a head stagger and went on a rampaging 70mph bolt up the wrong way, only to be catapulted up a side road towards Greencastle when Gonzales edged out at the last minute. Paddy McCann told us:
“I saw a cavalcade going past the house at Sandholes, so like any other right-thinking man I joined in. The whole family were greatly excited in the motor, guessing away at what the queue was for. I was thinking maybe a bouncy castle at Gortin but the wife was hoping for a half price day at the Centra in Drumragh. It was a bit of a let down that it was only oul Gonzales going up to see the sister. We didn’t reach Omagh til dark.”
Quinn has yet to return as police warn motorists to listen to traffic updates for information on his journey. The PSNI also confirmed they will not be prosecuting the line of toilet-stoppers during the ordeal.
Evidence Of Tyrone Women ‘Doing Themselves Up’ For Obama Undeniable
Typical Augher woman today
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
Tyrone Tribulations 