Category Archives: Tattyreagh
Two Women Take Head Clean Off Each Other Over Shop’s Last Family Circle Biscuits
Shop owners have been urged to remind shoppers that their premises will be open again in a couple of days after police were called to the Spar in Brackville due to a violent brawl over the last tin of Family Circle Delux Edition biscuits.
The incident occurred hours after three brothers in Tattyreagh were cautioned for fighting over a case of Shloer in Omagh earlier in the day. Government officials have called on all retail outlets to remind shoppers that goods will be available for purchase in under 48 hours and that there was no word of an apocalypse or extreme weather conditions for the foreseeable future.
The Brackaville brawl occurred after two neighbours spotted the final tin of Family Circle sitting in the middle of an aisle with a big £4.99 sign dangling over them. Shopper Brian Carland witnessed the clash:
“It was like a scene out of a Clint Eastwood film. The two women were equ-distance from the tin and descended on their prize like rockets. Next, all you could see were hair clips and bras flying all over the shop as they tore strips off each other. The odd thing was that both trollies were full of cakes and biscuits and stuff. Them Family Circle must be good.”
Police warned both women regarding future behaviour and reminded one of the perpetrators that she’d already bought two normal boxes of Family Circle as well as a 5-pack of Ginger Nuts.
Meanwhile a family of four in Fintona are said to be distraught after only managing to secure a 20lb turkey, as their appetites are far bigger now than last year. They are willing to accept generous food parcels.
The Tribulation Two Arrested And Charged. Six Months Hard Labour In Tattyreagh
Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.
Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.
A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.
Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:
“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”
Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.
Adiós Amigos.
Misunderstanding Over Pensioner’s ‘Dirty Books’ Cleared Up
Prancett on his doorstep
A misunderstanding over an innocent request saw 3000 locals angrily converge on a Tattyreagh pensioner’s house before order was restored after a three-minute stand-off.
The incident occurred after Lionel Prancett’s grandchildren loudly asked him in the packed local shop if they could ‘go to his shed and have another look at those dirty books’.
Prancett explained:
“I was clearing out the shed recently when I came across hundreds of old dusty comics I’d kept over the years. There were Toppers, Beanos and Dandys by the dozens. They were fairly decomposed and cobwebbed but readable. I showed them to the grandchildren and they were mesmerised by the antics of Desperate Dan and Dennis The Menace.”
The shop incident initiated a stampede as up to 40 shoppers ran after Prancett before he had the chance to explain, some of them breaking off tree branches and lighting them. Due to the power of social media, 3000 turned up on his doorstep within 15 minutes, baying for a live lynching, the first in the area since 1988.
Chief chaser Paddy O’Brien explained:
“Ah it was a misunderstanding just. All is well now. We apologised for kicking his garden ornaments to smithereens but at least a lesson has been learned here. We just need to work out what it was.”
Prancett says he intends to remain living in Tattyreagh but intimated that this was another ‘pretend misunderstanding’ by locals just because his father was actually born in Loughmacrory. We was also chased a year ago from the same shop after telling a buxom cashier that she was ‘well-stacked’ after he saw a mountain of crisps on offer on the counter.
Drinking Ditch Water Has Health Benefits Says Omagh Schoolboy
A refreshing ditch in Dregish
An Omagh pupil, who achieved eight GCSEs and earned a gold fainne at a Donegal gaeltacht at the age of 15, has published a scientific paper explaining the mountain of health benefits of drinking ditch water anywhere in Ireland apart from Roscommon and Wicklow.
Rory McGinn (16) collated his data over a period of 15 days, experimenting on his grandparents and aunts or uncles who didn’t know they were drinking ditch water in their tea. McGinn made sure a wide sample was used in his investigation, collecting from ditches in Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Cookstown and Dublin.
He explains:
“I was thinking about the rain and stuff and how it’s pure and not riddled with additives and sweeteners and that. So I first thought about waterfalls but there are no waterfalls in Ireland so I went to the next ready-made sample, ditches.”
McGinn explained how he collected over 55 gallons of ditch water in home heating oil cannisters his father kept around the back of their outside toilet-house. Over a period of time, he replaced house tap water with his stash of water when making tea and noted down the results:
“It made a quare difference to my grandparents. They’d be always complaining about not being able to go to the toilet and sure as soon as I fed them my stuff they were never off it. It was a miracle. It’s was just a stroke of bad luck that they also developed a wretched vomiting bug that had been going around I’d imagine. In fact my granny is in the hospital on a drip but as soon as she gets out I’ll ply her with more of my stuff and that’ll really clean her out.”
McGinn has warned against drinking ditch water in Roscommon and Wicklow as he has never visited those places and cannot verify the quality.
Buck Goat Testifies In Omagh Court.
Dolores In Good Form
An Iranian buck goat has finally taken to the dock at Omagh Courthouse after Tattyreagh man Johnny Laverty accused the animal of persistent intimidation over a four year period.
The goat, an asylum-seeking buck who fled Iran for supposedly being made to do ‘donkey work’, was unable to say much in his defence apart from a few bleats and urinating on the way up to the stand.
A spokesman for the buck goat is adamant his client will not be deported back to Iran:
“This is an outrageous case. How can a goat mentally intimidate a grown man? The prosecution team are basing their argument around how my client stares at him and the traditional goat sounds he makes. It’s unreasonable and to me sounds like a clear case of goataphobia. This man Laverty has a history of the victim-complex syndrome. In 2008 he filed a case against a neighbour’s cat, accusing the feline of issuing dirty looks and threatening hissing.”
Laverty is convinced he will succeed in his aim to have the goat, nicknamed Dolores, flown back to the middle east by the weekend:
“Dolores has this place terrorised. You can’t walk to the shop without seeing his piercing eyes locked on you whilst menacingly chewing a few blades of grass like Clint Eastwood. Sometimes he makes mad bleating or baaaing noises that I’m sure sounds like ‘ye fecker’ or stuff like that. A man told me the buck goat also pretended to go for him a couple of times, making a jerk forward movement before laughing in a goaty way. Anyway Dolores is a woman’s name.”
Court resumes on Saturday morning with a decision expected at noon.
Meanwhile the Tattyreagh Tourism Team have urged people not to be put off by Dolores and to continue visiting the area to taste their traditional local produce of ham baps and diluted juice.
Omagh Architect Sacked After Designing Complete Estate On Minecraft
Acorn Grove in Omagh
Omagh Building And Construction Limited have confirmed they have sacked the first employee to join their firm since its inception five years ago.
Gary Molloy, a 23 year old Queen’s University graduate in Architectural Engineering from Tattyreagh, was handed the reins for a new flagship estate to be built in the outskirts of Omagh called Acorn Grove which was to signal the first major housing development in the country since the banking collapse.
Company CEO Johnny Ore explained their decision:
“It was a bit of a shock. At the lunchtime unveiling of the supposed hi-tech design estate which was attended by MLAs and any hobnob within a 50-mile radius, our man pulled out an Xbox and started showing us around his ‘world’ on a big screen. The penny didn’t drop until he started fighting off zombies and skeletons with bow and arrows and killing pigs and cattle for food. It was quite embarrassing. Young ones nowadays are not really getting the thick line between fact and fiction. On the plus side, the food was great. Full marks to Sallys and their corn beef sandwiches.”
A despondent Molloy remains defiant that he’ll crack the virtual market yet:
“Tyrone is just not ready for an imaginary world built out of textural cubes in a 3D developed platform. I’ll find somewhere else more open minded like Castledawson or Canada. I think the older ones were worried about the zombies and all but you can hack away at them with imaginary pickaxes or shovels and the like. It’s quite simple really and would have made a wonderful addition to the greater Omagh landscape. They’ve missed out big time.”
Molloy was given his marching orders soon after the presentation when an investigation was carried out into his CV claims of being a World Cup winning manager. The confident Tattyreagh man confirmed it was in the FIFA 14 game on the Playstation and that he’d won it with the Faroe Islands six times.
Dromore Boy’s Birthday Ruined As Father Paints Bedroom Carrickmore Colours
Dromore Boy’s Ceiling
An 8-year-old Dromore GAA fanatic’s birthday was officially ‘his worst ever’ after his father’s surprise bedroom makeover ended in tears and accusations of deliberate tampering.
Kieran McCullagh, who plays under 10 for the club and never misses a match at all levels, was told to go to his room after the cake as there was a great surprise in there for him. His uncle, Kevin, described the scene:
“You could hear the screams. Young Kieran’s parents aren’t really into the football and trusted the painter to get the right paint for the job. Unfortunately, the painter was a Carrickmore man by the name of McGarrity who is now claiming Mr and Mrs McCullagh asked him for a bedroom of football colours, not specifically Dromore. The whole room is green, white and orange – not his beloved Dromore blue and white. A catastrophe.”
Jack McCullagh is adamant he told the painter to decorate it in Dromore GAA colours:
“I definitely told him Dromore. This is a handlin and a half. I tried to tell our Kieran sure it’s the Ireland colours and he cried even harder as that made no sense at all with pictures of Conor Gormley and Oz McCallan all over the show. And a big Carrickmore crest. McGarrity is accepting no refunds. He’s done this on purpose but according to my son I’ve made a balls of this.”
Investigations are suggesting that McGarrity has a history of this with stories leaking about deliberate sabotage across the country. A Tattyreagh mother claims he once decorated her daughter’s bedroom with Cliff Richard wallpaper after she had instructed him to modernise it with some singers from the XFactor or something like that.
“He’s a bollocks,” she told us.
‘Health And Safety Gone Mad’ As Tyrone Thieves Forced To Wear Hi-Viz Jackets
Tattyreagh burglar
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The thieving community across the county last night said it was in crisis as the ever-increasing demands of health and safety tookits toll on the criminal fraternity.
Gang leaders claim that they are getting so many compensation claims in from gang members who have injured themselves that they have no alternative but to insist on taking adequate health and safety measures.
“It’s tara boys”, said Kieran, a crook from Fintona. “In the olden days you could steal a whole lock of cattle in a couple of hours and still be in time for last orders. Now I’m not allowed to do it unless I’ve done a two-week course in feckin’ animal husbandry. What’s that all about? It’s almost enough to force you into an honest living”.
But master-thieves were quick to point out they were merely reacting to changes in society. Bill Fagin, the head villain of a gang of thieves from ‘somewhere near the Dooish mountain’, said,
“It’s not our fault. It’s the claims culture. I’m getting demands for compensation left, right and centre. I’ve one boy who’s claiming five grand for having made him ‘allergic to the dark’, and another claiming the same amount after the eejit swallowed nearly a litre of red diesel when he was siphoning it out of a digger near Glenelly, and had to have his stomach pumped. That’s why we now give them manual handling training on how to lift a stolen plasma TV. They might hurt their backs and make a claim. Some handlin’. Literally”.
He went on,
“We can’t have them boys stumbling about in the dark on a remote farm in Killyman or somewhere when they’re trying to steal a lorry. They might bump into something and injure themselves. That’s why they need to wear the hi-viz jackets. And put up floodlighting. Or even better, come back and do it in the daylight. Safety first boys, safety first”.
But most thieves have condemned the actions as being over the top, and for compromising their chances of a clean getaway.
“We had one boy breaking in through the first floor window of a factory in Lissan last week”, confided Hugh, a swindler from Tattyreagh. “But he took so long filling out his ‘Working at Height’ form and putting up scaffolding that he got caught. Jaysus, in the good old days we just climbed up the drainpipe”.
Fully-qualified thief Declan from Plumbridge, was resigned to the changes.
“Aye, I suppose now I’m all trained up I won’t injure myself. I was breaking and entering into a big house in Donaghmore last month and although the risk assessments took over an hour to complete, at least I knew I’d be safe”,
he said, before being led back to his prison cell to complete a two-year sentence.
1000s Who Flocked To Tattyreagh To See Northern Lights Leave Disappointed
Omagh at night, not the Northern Lights
A gathering of 5600 sky enthusiasts were left disappointed and angry after social media outlets wrongly reported a clear and permanent sighting of the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) on Saturday and Sunday nights in Tattyreagh. Locals have denied it was another ploy to raise funds for the football club.
Skygazers from as far afield as Russia and Taiwan converged on the small townland only to discover the lights were simply Omagh in the distance.
Japanese astronomy expert Jon Hi was particularly upset after flying to Ireland with 140 of his countrymen:
“Some shower. I read on Twitter that the North Pole’s Aurora Borealis were brilliant in Tattyreagh. After finding it on the map, we made a 15000 mile journey only to find out it’s just the new streetlights Omagh up the road. I’m mightily pissed off with Tattyreagh and I’m going to blacken its name in Japan forever more.”
Tattyreagh Tourism Director Killian Hanratty denies it was a devious ploy to boost tourism to the area:
“They’re scandalous accusations being bandied about by them Fintona ones. I can’t deny that we’ve made serious money from the crisps and mineral stall we happened to have on the side of the road beside the big field that people were congregating on. 5000 thirsty people afterall. The proceeds will go towards new toilet facilities at the football pitch.”
This is the second time Tattyreagh has featured in the international news for a mistaken phenomenon. In 1986, thousands again flocked to Tattyreagh to see Halley’s Comet which had reportedly fallen onto the football field. It was later proven to be a Superser gas heater with all bars on. The money taken from the crisps and mineral stall that year paid for the football club’s new stand.
Doubts Cast On Educational Value Of Priests’ Trip To Beer Festival In Germany
1954 trip to Germany
A group of priests from the Clogher Diocese have been accused of wasting parishioners’ donations after they attended a three-day beer festival in Germany last week. The 20-strong group strenuously maintain the purpose of the visit was simply educational as they were gathering vital info on ‘what young one are into these days‘ and that they also attended Mass every day ‘so it wasn’t all fun and games.’
Fr Hurson, PP of Edendork, attended the weekend and was first to face the press, wearing dark sunglasses and talking rather gruffly:
“I’m shocked and dismayed at these allegations. You can’t accuse us of not being in touch with the younger generation and then as soon as we make an attempt to integrate ourselves we’re castigated for over-indulgence. There was none of that. The lads averaged 10 pints a day and that’s not that bad when you consider we were on the batter from 12pm tip midnight each night.”
Archbishop Devlin, originally from Greencastle, re-endorsed this stance:
“This is a yearly tradition and a valuable insight into modern things. The boys brought home some very interesting observations about the effects of German beer on the mind as well as a few samples for us in the hierarchy. And it must be said, the Germans can make a fine brew.”
Kitty Graham, an avid mass-goer from Tattyreagh, was not convinced of the educational value of such a junket:
“These boys are some craic. I was at mass this morning and one of the culprits, Fr Loughran, was in no fit state to say it. He completely missed out the gospel, make a terrible knock knock joke and was in really bad form with one of the altar boys who sneezed. He seemed badly hungover.”
Clogher official Bishop Farry has cancelled next month’s expedition to Amsterdam.
Tattyreagh Man Ruins School Pantomime
Maleficent was some handlin
A Tattyreagh parent, attending his first ever pantomime in the Grand Opera House in Belfast, was kicked out shortly before the end after completely misreading the conventions of a panto.
Jackie O’Brien, attending the show as a volunteer parent for the local primary school, persistently heckled the actors and was prevented from firing an extinguisher onto the stage by a fast-acting security guard.
The performance of Sleeping Beauty had been receiving rave reviews before today’s incident and was keenly anticipated by the entire 400-strong audience. Neutral observer, Malachy Quinn from Beragh, explained what happened:
“At the start I just though he was really buying into the spirit of panto by shouting out things like ‘he’s behind you’ long before he was meant to. It wasn’t until he got a bit too vocal that I realised he was taking things a bit too far. When the Queen of Evil, Maleficent, arrived on stage he shouted ‘she’s f****** behind yis ye shower of useless b*******’. Teachers were covering pupils’ ears.”
Events took a turn for the worse when Maleficent attempted a bit of traditional banter with the audience. O’Brien, again misreading the comic element of the whole panto genre, reacted viciously after she told the crowd that Sleeping Beauty was not wakening up:
“Yes, that was when the penny dropped that this fella wasn’t getting the whole panto concept at all. When Maleficent said ‘oh no she’s not’, after three ‘oh yes she is’ O’Brien ran towards the stage shouting ‘are ye f****** blind’ before lifting the fire extinguisher above his head and asking her if she was calling him a liar.”
O’Brien was ushered from the building and put on a bus to Omagh. Tattyreagh principal Kieran O’Cabe bought the entire school a Mini-Crunchie each to make up for the interruption.
Dungannon Council Propose A Rescheduling Of Christmas
In what has been described as a ‘brave and completely nonsensical’ proposal, Dungannon Council have tabled a bid to the central County Authority to postpone Christmas this year until next February or so. The bold idea was drawn up this morning in an alleyway in Scotch Street with all six members of the powerful council agreeing to put back the holiday in a straight swap for Valentine’s Day, blaming the mild weather for the change.
Seamus McAliskey, a 30 year old steam train driver from the lowlands, reckons there’s a dark secret they’re not telling us:
“Listen, I was in Germany last week driving a train and all these Germans were asking me if it was true that Dungannon spent all its money on dud sparklers and bangers from Nutt’s Corner. Apparently that’s all the talk on the continent. I reckon the buggers have no money for lights and stuff til the new budget comes through in January.”
Dungannon Lord Mayor Hilary McGettican refutes the allegations:
“Whilst I acknowledge the mistake we made with the Algerian sparklers, we still have money left. We are proposing having Christmas on the 25th of February for many reasons. I am now going to talk in bullet points…”
- There’s no money in the country at this time for builders, gardeners and farmers
- There’s usually far more snow in February
- We can raid shops in other counties for half price stock-clearance Christmas stuff in the week after Christmas
- It’s far too close to Boxing Day and the New Year
- We won’t have to listen to Slade or Mariah Carey on the radio”
Under the new conditions, if passed, Valentine’s Day will be sandwiched between Christmas Eve and St Stephen’s Day.
The central council will debate the proposal on Tuesday straight after they deal with the 10th Tattyreagh bid for city status.
In other news, Coalisland’s Olly Kerr has reminded people his threat from last year still stands – Click here . He has added to his hit list anyone who posts “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” on their facebook status.
Police Receiving Calls About Tyrone Children Not Looking Like Others From Their Area
Police realised how a Moy resident should look
Following on from the recent reports of children who don’t look like their parents being wrongly taken from them before being given back with an apology, a rash of calls have been made to the PSNI claiming that some Tyrone children definitely don’t look like the type of children usually living in that particular townland. One of the first appears to be a 14-year old lad from the Moy who was reported as looking more like someone from Donaghmore. PSNI Mad Claims Director Polly Fuller told us:
“Yes, a teenage boy from the Moy was one of the first identified. We were told he was wearing designer gutties and had an earring in. To be fair that’s not the sort of boy associated with the Moy so we bundled him into a jeep and detained him for a couple of hours. Under interrogation he admitted he was going with a girl from Donaghmore and she was giving him fashion advice. We sent him off with a warning to wise up, put his dungarees back on and stop attracting attention to himself.”
A couple of hours later, a 16 year old female was lifted in Ardboe after reports she was spotted near the Battery singing opera-type songs whilst pirouetting and curtseying:
“That is also true. Again, after a two hour session, she revealed she had hopes of making it as a performer in London’s West End. We told her to quit those fancy ideas or we’d hammer it out of her. She was back playing camogie and gutting eels within an hour. Job done.”
A further case was reported in Tattyreagh after a 15-year old male was lifted for using words like ‘wonderful’, ‘jolly good show’ and ‘smashing contribution’. Police have detained the teenager as they’ve yet to find a motive for his marble-mouthed approach but suspect he may have Loughmacrory blood.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
Tattyreagh Man Dresses Up As He-Man In Court, Wife As She-Ra. Charges Dropped.
Tattyreagh’s finest
Borrowing inspiration from Willie Frazer’s fancy dress stunt in Belfast today, Tattyreagh duo Peter and Mary McBride donned the costumes of 1980s cartoon heroes He-Man and She-Ra in Omagh Court today in an attempt to overturn the repossession of their house on the Blackfort Road, after nine months of eviction notices due to non-payment of mortgage.
Peter McBride, a 52-year downhill gardener, explained his decision:
“You know, if it’s good enough for Willie and Jamie it’s good enough for my Mary and me. We studied the law last night and came to the conclusion that in Masters Of the Universe and She-Ra:Princess Of Power, there was no indication that the villain-catching duo ever met their mortgage payments on Castle Grayskull. In fact, quite the opposite. There didn’t seem to be any income coming in and the government seemed to be happy enough as long as they kept Skeletor at bay. There can’t be one rule for fictional cartoon heroes and another for common gardeners.”
Judge Sheila Smilie backed the McBrides’ plea, stating that TV producers need to show more responsibility in their programming before we have Wombles, Sooty and Sweep as well as Bungle from Rainbow all turning up getting off petty crime.
Peter McBride admitted he was surprised things turned out favourably:
“By the power of Grayskull, I thought we’d be laughed out of it. We’re away to celebrate with a cheesy chip.”
….before exclaiming “I Have The Power” and raising his walking stick into the Autumnal Omagh air.
Tattyreagh Parents Told To Stop Telling Lies To Their Children
A recent survey by a man in America has revealed that Tattyreagh children are the best behaved in the world but are also told the most lies by over-cautious parents. To back up his findings, Dr Zeus Valencia interviewed 120 Tattyreagh exiles who listed ‘white lies’ that have haunted them well into middle age.
Amongst the most effective were:
- If you swallow chewing gum you’ll fart bubbles
- If you misbehave, Santa will eat you
- If you aren’t in bed by 9pm, God will kidnap you
- If you don’t eat your crusts, you’ll be bald in the morning
- Mushy peas are chopped up lizards
- If you don’t come with me now, I’ll leave you here by yourself.
- Maybe tomorrow
- If you make faces and the wind changes you’ll stay like that.
Ciaran Kelly, a 46 year old forklift operator, maintains he’ll never shake off a few of the fears:
“My ma used to stop me from taking food from the fridge by claiming that there was an angry wee man in there who operated the light. Even now I’m tara afraid to open it, 40 years later. Last week I didn’t eat for three days. Then there’s the one where my da would say if I didn’t shut up he’d tell ‘the man’. I wake up in tears sometimes thinking the man is outside the house. It’s a nightmare life I lead. Tattyreagh must change.”
Jane Hurson, who left Tattyreagh for Seskinore in 1987, claims she has even passed down some of the lies to her own children:
“I feel so ashamed. Yesterday I told my daughter the one about the ice cream van – if it plays music that means it has run out of ice cream. It’s like a disease we have. I went straight to confessions and doubled the penance. Next I’ll be telling her the Brits took our dog instead of just saying it died. I need help. Please.”
The Tattyreagh Parents’ Society released a statement today saying the report was ‘a load of balls’ and ‘pure lies’. They added that ‘we all know God cries when someone lies’, predicting heavy rain all week.
Ballygawley Strimming War Escalates. Man Strims Hedge At 5am In Torrential Rain.
A typical Ballygawley family
The Ballygawley strimming war has worsened this morning with the news that a man was seen strimming his hedge at 5am this morning in torrential rain. Reports suggest tensions are beyond repair as news reaches us of women out with chainsaws pruning garden shrubs.
The strimming conflict, which began a year ago to the day, escalated after a man was criticised for strimming his hedge on a Sunday by the PP. A supportive neighbour reacted to the public criticism by restrimming a hedge that was already strimmed the following Sunday night in total darkness. Peter McGlone, a local poet, reckons the village is beyond repair:
“Someone has to shout ‘STOP’. Ballygawley is being ripped apart by this strimming war. People are trying to out-annoy each other with louder strimmers. To see Seamus Kelly out strimming this morning in a holey vest at 5am and it pouring was one of the saddest and most dangerous sights I’ve ever witnessed. It’s out of control. Just last month a man strimmed the whole time during the Tyrone/Mayo game with the strimmer connected up to loudspeakers. I thought I’d seen it all in Ballygawley after 77 years. Madness.”
Mary Quinn, a 41 year old circus ballet dancer, maintains we’ve seen nothing yet:
“Thon bollix Kelly has upped the ante with that 5am stunt. I’ve just been on to a boy in Tattyreagh on Gumtree and purchased a second hand petrol Husqvarna chainsaw for a hundred pounds. He says it’s the loudest yoke on the market. I’ll be out strimming my Cherry Blossoms at midnight tonight. Have a piece of that. Tattyreagh here I come.”
BBC, UTV AND RTE have been chased from the village in recent weeks when trying to report on the skirmishes. However, Ross Kemp was spotted up a tree with earmuffs on just outside Quinn’s Corner.
Dennis Taylor And Darren Clarke To Slug It Out In All-Tyrone Wrestling Contest
Artist’s impression of the ‘Fray in Tattyreagh’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Speculation continued to grow last night that a grudge 1970s-style wrestling match is to be held between son of Coalisland snooker superstar Dennis Taylor and Dungannon-born golfing supremo Darren Clarke.
Local fight promoter Barney O’Connor said,
“Controversy has raged since Clarke won the Open in 2011 about which of these two world champion athletes is the best. And there’s really only one sensible and transparent way to objectively resolve it, and that’s getting the two of them to bate seven shades of shite out of each other in a no-holds-barred slug-fest marathon. We need to sort this out for once and for all. They probably hate each other.”
After failing to secure a booking at the world-famous fight venue Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, O’Connor advised that the event will now be held in Tattyreagh Community Centre at the end of September. Sources close to Taylor and Clarke however, confirmed that neither sportsman knew anything about the fight or that they would want anything to do with it.
“Aye, that’s right”, said O’Connor with a grin, whilst winking and tapping the side of his nose. “Neither sportsmen know anything about it. Course they don’t. But these two have got form at wrestling. Don’t you forget it. When Clarke was playing Tiger Woods for the world title in California in 2000, he gave Tiger a ‘Big Darren Splash’ when they were both stuck in the bunker on the 16th. Why do think Woods lost his form in recent years? His ribs are still killing him. And Taylor’s no better. During a break away from the cameras just before the last frame of the World Championship in the 1985 final, Dennis gave Steve Davis a forehand chop, got him in a half-nelson and then finished with a pile driver by jumping off one of the practice tables onto his head. No wonder Davies lost. You’ve heard of the famous Mohammed Ali and George Foreman fight, the Rumble in the Jungle? Well, this’ll be the Fray in Tattyreagh. Class”.
Speculation increased further last night, when a man wearing funny glasses was reportedly seen going into shops in Coalisland Main Street and asking if they sold colourful leotards ‘for the larger gentleman’.
McDonald’s Announces Extended Menu In Tattyreagh. Exclusive to Tyrone Residents
Tattyreagh captain this morning
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
McDonald’s in Tattyreagh today confirmed the introduction of a new range of super-super-sized portions of some of their most popular lines specifically designed for the residents of Tyrone, after a survey showed that what people really wanted were bigger portions of cholesterol.
“Our customers in Tattyreagh simply wanted more. They kept complaining that the portions weren’t satisfying their appetites. Ordinary big plates of food weren’t hitting the mark. What they really want is feckin’ enormous piles of food. They just can’t get enough”, said 16 year old restaurant manager Sean Moore.
Saturday saw the introduction of a ‘Skip of Chips’, and a ‘Lorryload of Onion Rings’, both of which were warmly welcomed by residents.
“Mighty”, said 32-stone man Sidney Clarke, who had travelled from Cabragh to be one of the first to order the new ‘Trough of Baked Beans’. “If you ask thon boys to Sumo-Size your order they’ll do it”, said Clarke through a mouthful of Quadruple Cheeseburger and Diet Coke. “You can almost feel your arteries hardening with every bite. You simply can’t go wrong”.
Other diners at the popular fast food restaurant enjoyed a ‘Bathful of Pop Tarts’ whilst children were invited to try the new ‘Gallon of Milkshake’, a mouth-watering bucket of strawberry-flavoured cola milkshake.
“I’m lovin’ it!” joked mother-of-three Nuala Morgan from Eskra, “And so are the kids. We brought them here last night and we didn’t hear a word from them for the whole meal. In fact, they were quiet for the entire night. And most of today come to think of it. Still, it only cost £2.20 to feed the four of us, so I’m not complaining”.
Later this month Tattyreagh regulars can look forward to ordering a ‘Ditch of Coleslaw’. All of the items in the new range cost 39p.
Evidence Of Tyrone Women ‘Doing Themselves Up’ For Obama Undeniable
Typical Augher woman today
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
Tyrone Tribulations 