Tyrone Newspaper To Capitalize On Page 3 Gap In The Market
Cappagh man posing for The Tyrone Tabernacle
Following the news that The Sun newspaper have abandoned their Page 3 slot, a prominent Tyrone newspaper has moved to fill the gap in the market by using images of local tradesmen, bare-chested and staring provocatively at the camera.
Despite protestations from local religious groups and most women in general, the paper will reveal their first page three model at the weekend, rumoured to be either Barry McElduff or Owen Mulligan, depending on the results of an online poll compiled today on their website.
In a bid to attract potential male models, the editor of The Tyrone Tabernacle has promised not to be selective and will not insist on size-zero applicants. Tabernacle editor Leon Nolan told us:
“Tyrone women have traditionally yearned for the man who shows signs of having consumed a few pints over the years. It’s like a comfort thing I think, like a sausage supper on a cold night.”
Nolan revealed he has already received 522 photos from men across the county, hoping the exposure will see them land a woman by the end of the year.
“I know masculists will be up in arms over this but if there’s a market out there for plumbers, joiners and stove-fitters from 17-70 in the buff then so be it. We give people what they want. We promise to have their spanners, wrenches and hammers all on show.”
Fishermen will also be allowed to contribute as long as their rods are retractable, especially for close-up shops.
Tang Trucker Sacked From Fire Brigade After 2 Days For Issuing ‘Keep Her Lit’ Instructions
By our Monaghan Correspondent, Phil McCracken
Records were broken this week after a fire department employee was given his P45 in just 48 hours on the job due to dialectal differences which saw firemen pour fuel on the flames of a lorry as well as almost setting a depot on fire.
Monaghan firemen
Trevor Farrell successfully applied to the Monaghan Fire Brigade last June, becoming the first Tyrone man to work in this depot since the great fire of 1988 near Clones which was started by a fireman from Trillick.
Trevor explained why he applied in the first place:
“Here I had no notion of doing that aul DCPC shit (The Driver Certificate of Professional Competence for all professional bus, coach and lorry drivers), what a waste of time, boy. I saw that the fire department was taking people on so be Jaysus I applied for the post and didn’t I get the job”.
On Trevor’s second night of his new job his week, he was on phone duty when a call came in about a truck on fire out by Balls Cross.
“Oh be God I was all excited, lad. I was waiting on that call since I started the new job. I tell ya, if I hadn’t got that call I was going to start a fire myself. No point in having men sitting around doing feck all like. Anyway I called out to they rest of the lads to get the plant lit up and blow her for Balls Cross. Well Jaysus after the boys left I went outside to find every fecking shrub in the station garden on fire. I wonder to meself ‘what kind of thick glipes am I working with’.
Long serving fire officer David Boyle was on duty that night. He recalls:
“I was in the office when the call came in. Trevor told us to light the plants up and get to Balls Cross. Sure be Jaysus we thought that it was strange but we poured fuel over the plants and lit them and we were soon off to Balls Cross. Anyway we were half way out the road and that nutcase Trevor kept shouting down the two-way radio to “keep her lit boys, that road is clean and green”. Well never before did we here the likes of that. Sure for feck sake we had to stop by Foyles Filling Station to get drums of clean diesel and green diesel”.
Trevor had a different take on events:
“Ah be the Lord Jaysus the boys told me the were running five minutes behind because they had to stop to diesel up. What sort of bullocks doesn’t refuel the plant up when he comes back to the yard? I told them boys to get there quick and keep her lit until I got there”.
Fire Officer Jonathan O’Neill gave his views on the calamity:
“We wondered what kind of crazy dick that Trevor fella was. We radioed back to him that it was a Sawyers lorry on fire. All we could here from him was ‘oh Lord Jaysus lads, I’m on my way flat to the mat boys, I’ll keep her lit’. We never had to keep a fire lit before, and that man Trevor was on his way and he wanted to keep it lit so we started to pour the clean and green diesel over the lorry”.
Trevor remarked on his arrival at Balls Cross:
“Well feck me, how them thick runts got a job with the fire brigade is beyond me lad. Every fecking time the flames started to die down them crazy bastards put more fuel on that lorry, and they said it was my fault that lorry and fridge was burned to the ground”.
A disappointed Sawyers spokesperson added:
“Gutted boy, fucking gutted. I bet that Trevor fella worked with McBurnley Transport, fucking gutted.”
Sawyers Transport Lurgan has ordered a full investigation.
Garda in Monaghan also threw in their penny’s worth when adding:
“There won’t be an investigation because we don’t know if we should investigate the man that told them to keep her lit or the shower of savages that kept it lit”.
MJM Training confirmed that Sean is booked in next week to sit his DCPC.
Monaghan fire department revealed they have four officers off sick with burns after Trevor told them to ‘keep the toe on her boys’.
Cookstown Politician Comes Out As A Vegetarian
A Cookstown Councillor has today bravely announced to his constituency and beyond that he’s a full-blown vegetarian.
Brian Sheehy admitted his decision to come forward was inspired by recent politicians who have announced their own personal preferences on a range of issues from their favourite colour to sexuality.
Sheehy, fighting back the tears at a hastily-arranged press conference outside Margaritas Restaurant Wine and Cocktail Bar in sub-zero conditions, told us:
“I have to do this to kill the rumour-circuit concerning my dietary habits. Yes, it’s true – I’m a rampant vegetarian. I haven’t let a steak near my gob since 2003. Judge me if you want but I have faith in the Cookstown people that they won’t turn their backs on me just because I’m into lettuce and tomatoes.”
The scale of Sheehy’s predicament was brought home during the interview when a passing Ford Fiesta slowed down enough for a man to stick his head out and shout ‘go on ye big cauliflowerhead, suck a carrot’ in a strong East Tyrone accent.
A quivering Sheehy continued:
“If I lose votes on this, so be it. I can’t help it if I prefer a cucumber to a couple of tuna baps.”
The councillor added that he is most certainly not a vegan as he likes a glass of milk before bed and sometimes wears mink fur coats to church.
One-time voter Harry Quinn revealed he’ll not be voting for Sheehy again:
“That bollocks can go and shite. If a man turns down a ham shank in favour of a few tomatoes is not to be trusted with things like fixing roads and getting the broadband in.”
Other vegetarians are expected to come out from the shadows after this news.
Greencastle Report Flying Cows Again During Windy Spell. Hoax Says Dungannon Tech Students.
Residents of Greencastle have been asked to return to their houses after the reported flying cow news story turned out to be a hoax. Government officials confirmed there’ll be no claim forms for this.
Photoshop experts from Dungannon Tech confirmed that the image captured and shared by Frank Mitchell on UTV Weather Watchers was a really poor computer job by a B-Tech IT student and not a real depiction of cattle hurtling towards the Sperrins.
Dermot O’Devlin, an esteemed local historian, remains sceptical:
“Well, I think I know that cow from my Christmas party shenanigans. The lights on it are a give away. Anyway, I’m not heading back to my house until I know there are no livestock casually hurtling about in my locality and them weighing a few hundred tonnes. If there’s a claim, I’m in though.”
Local Photoshop guru, Jack McKinless, labelled the picture ‘one of the worst Photoshop jobs’ he’s ever seen.
The Greencastle flying cow story follows on from the Kildress Old People’s Home incident which lamented the loss of 44 elderly residents who blew away ‘northwards’ during the high winds. Worker Patricia Hurson maintains she saw them fly off ‘towards Derry’ whilst out for their morning walk.
Shortly afterwards, workers applied for a grant which caters for Act of God bereavement stress amongst their staff.
Galbally to Finally Regulate Its Boxing Culture
By Mary Ann Jackson
Galbally 1944
There has been mixed reaction to the news that a new Boxing Club in Galbally is to open its fine facilities very shortly in a state of the art gym built by local volunteers.
Many “auld hands” in the area had expressed their opinion that the younger generation were “goin saft” before recalling with pride the many times they had engaged in the noble pugilist art bare-chested in the snow and the rain in the car parks of The Gap, Knocknamoe Hotel, along with the neighbouring Cookstown venues of the Glenavon and the Greenvale not to mention the bouts in the middle of the busy A5 at Garvaghey or the on the main Dublin Derry road at Main Street Emyvale.
Now after a number of very successful boxing nights in the local Community Centre, locals appear to have developed a “Grá” for the better conditions boxing under a roof and a surprising new attachment to rules and regulations.
One lady, who recently moved to Galbally under the impression it was a modern settlement full of metrosexual New Men, expressed surprise to learn that a Boxing Club was opening shortly, commenting:
“I thought the local lads were more into synchronised swimming and singing along to girly videos, going on what I’d been told.”
She later required medical intervention when it was explained to her that a few local lassies are also up for the fight.
Some Galbally men are not impressed that the local lads are to fight under the Queensbury rules, believing Stormont’s fingerprints are all over this. Founder Arthur Nugent confirmed that this was not the case.
Housewives Log-On As Paddy Heaney Joins Twitter
Dungannon and Omagh Techs have admitted a sudden surge in women looking to enrol in computer courses following the news that Ulster heart-throb Paddy Heaney has joined Twitter.
Heaney, who was voted ‘Rear of the Year’ for seven consecutive years at the Kildress Sports, signed up to Twitter by teasing his female following with a profile picture of him as a cheeky young lad playing for Carrickmore as well as an unidentified road scene.
34 year old Galbally woman Leona Kilpatrick reckons it’s a subliminal message:
“Paddy Heaney, to us women, is WB Yeats and Liam Neeson rolled into one. He has that dashing swagger coupled with words to melt a woman’s heart. That picture of the road – I think it means you can find the road to my heart if you look hard enough. He’s a bit like Willy Wonka doing this. I’ll be looking long and hard, mark my words.”
As of now, the Irish News’ Heaney has 400 followers, 388 of which are women aged 25-45. This has sparked a backlash from men across the province who have taken to switching off the wifi and confiscating the password.
Relationships guru Donglan Bogue explained this away as ‘pure jealousy’:
“It’s an open secret that GAA chairmen and their male members of club committees have been nervous about getting Heaney to speak at charity debates or opening pitches. Paddy has the same effect on women as Elvis would have had back in the 50s. Some say he’s the 5th Beatle. Others would have other words for him.”
Twitter have yet to confirm whether or not Heaney will receive a blue tick beside his name. If he does he joins Nadine Coyle as Derry blue tickers as Eoghan Quigg has yet to be recognised.
Moy Woman Warns ‘Tang’ Husband Over Love For His Scania V8
A Moy civil servant has publicly announced she will throw her husband out of the house if he continues his love affair for his Scania V8 and general ‘tang’ lifestyle. Kelly Trucker, who admits to once having a liking for life on the road, didn’t realise the extent of her husband’s love for the tang experience.
“It’s just embarrassing now. We had a Christening in Armagh to go to last week and Roger arrived in his Scania jacket, Ben Sherman shirt open to the naval with oil stains, gold necklace, brown belt, denims and his Super Hampton boots – the same clothes he slept in. This is not the silage cutter I fell in love with as a teenager. That’s just full-on tang.”
Kelly admits the breaking point came when he suggested a weekend away in Donegal.
“I was thinking he was being all romantic. As it turned out we…
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Archeologists Told To Stop Finding Things For A While
Recent find near Cappagh
Following the discovery of six coins from 1972 in a field near Gortin, archeologists in the county have been warned for the final time to tone it down a bit and stop finding things for a while at least.
Professor Joe Quinn, who spearheads the Tyrone Legacy Association which looks into catering for future generations and leaving plenty for them to do, demanded that people stop trying to find old ruins and memorabilia and to leave some of it for our grandchildren and their children:
“Every time I open the paper I hear of some find on a remote field and it drives me insane. People are selfishly thinking of themselves and leaving nothing for people to find in 200 years. I urge people to put things back and tell no one.”
The recent coin find follows last week’s discovery of the ruins of an underwater settlement in Lough Neagh, dating back at least 150 years. Moortown fisherman Patsy McQuaid now admits he should have turned a blind eye to the find, adding that it has only created problems since he went public:
“I should’ve said nothing. There are still people alive today who had parents that maybe lived in the underwater settlement and this has dredged up problems with the tax man claiming it was a tax haven for wealthy Mootown linen factory owners. No good can come from archeology these days.”
The Tyrone Tourism Board are considering fining anyone who discovers anything until 2020. Loughshore metal-detector fanatic Jim Walshe raged:
“Them boys aren’t telling me what to do. What they are now creating is an underground archeological society where people will meet in secret to exchange treasure. Fcuk the future generations.
Jim Walshe was arrested this morning and his metal detector confiscated.
Killyman Man Claims Disneyland Paris ‘The Most Depressing Experience’ Of His Life
Families fight outside Pirates of the Caribbean chips kiosk
A Killyman teacher has urged the French Tourist Board to issue a health warning for any parents hoping to purchase tickets for the entertainment resort in Marne-la-Vallée, just a bit up the road from Paris.
Tony McKenner, a 40-year old father of three, was made to go to the attraction as a birthday surprise for his 6-year old daughter and returned vowing never to set foot in any amusements again, even Portrush.
“It’s the most miserable experience anyone could put themselves through. It was bad enough forking out 75 Euros for three sets of Mickey Mouse ears before we’d time to look around us, but then we queued for an hour to get on a ghost train which drove slowly through a house that wasn’t scary. However, I expected all that.”
McKenner maintains he failed to see anyone smile during the 6-hour ordeal:
“Sisters were kicking brothers. Brothers were whacking sisters. Mothers were pulling the ears off children, some which were not their own. Fathers were staring vacantly into the distance, ignoring the pleas of wives urging them to shout at the children with sore ears. All this was happening in the queue for an ice cream.”
The Killyman educationalist believes the resort’s backroom team Photoshop pictures to convince punters that they had a really good time:
“I came off the Buzz Lightyear Laser Blast thinking that was dung. We were then handed the photos and I was grinning from ear to ear. Now I’m starting to believe I actually had a really good time. But I know what I saw and experienced and I’m nearly sure it was horrendous. I definitely remember giving the child in the car in front of me the middle finger for shining his laser gun in my eyes.”
McKenner claims the big parade at the end was a celebration of the fact that the ordeal was at an end and that was why parents and children appeared to be generally in good spirits during it.
“I’d imagine it’s worse than childbirth,”
added McKenner whilst receiving a dirty look from his wife.
Coalisland Undertaker Told To Stop Winking And Smiling At Old People
Dorman, just very friendly?
Worried Coalisland residents have signed and handed in a petition to local undertaker Padjoe Dorman, demanding that he maintain a consistent facial expression whilst out and about in the town.
Dorman, who claims he has absolutely no special ability to predict when old people will expire, has been accused of worrying hundreds of pensioners since he expanded his business last month by adding on an extension at the back of his premises. 77-year old retired wrestler Kenny Campbell from Annagher told us of his ordeal:
“I met Dorman outside the butchers on Christmas Eve and he winked at me with a smirk on his face. Then he says ‘I hope ye get time to ate that ok’. He’s trying to scare us into the grave. Some operator.”
81 year old Mary McAleer from Newtownkelly added to the catalogue of complaints:
“That man has me tortured. At…
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Kim Kardashian’s Arse To Fire Gun For Start Of Strabane 10K Fun-Run
Strabane Lord Mayor Bill Johnson confirmed this morning that he has secured a big-name signing to launch the town’s weekend 10k run in an attempt to make up for last year’s debacle which saw a drunken ex-Tellytubby shoot himself in the foot.
Demanding a much bigger celebrity this year, at a hastily-arranged press conference the crowd in attendance were amazed to hear that Kim Kadashian’s backside has agreed to pull the trigger for 2014. Within an hour 600 tickets were already sold including most men’s sporting clubs from the hockey society to the local cricket association.
Lord Mayor Johnson added:
“It was touch and go for a while. Kim already had a road bowls tournament to attend in South Armagh that same day but she did agree to lend us her arse for the occasion. It’s a mighty coup (and hoop) and I assured Kim that her derrière will be treated like royalty when it arrives on Tyrone soil.”
The fee, estimated to be in and around £50, will secure her posterior for two other gigs in the area that day including opening a new branch of Quinn’s Funeral Services and drawing the balls for the Pensioners’ Weekend Bingo.
Retired kite-maker Lionel Kildare admitted he had never looked forward to the run until today’s news. Licking his lips and smirking, he explained:
“Bloody fantastic. I’m a big fan of Kardashian’s buttocks, especially for their charitable works. I just hope the old blood pressure behaves itself.”
Kim’s rear end will pull the trigger this Sunday at 17:00 hrs.
Meanwhile, a local women’s group have promised to picket the event under the slogan “What’s wrong with our arses?”
Ardboe Man Regrets Buying Wife A Drone
Drinkers in an established bar on the shores of Lough Neagh have shunned long time friend and one-time centre of attention Geordie Forbes after his wife kept driving her expensive drone into the pub to spy on him using an in-built camera.
Quinn’s Watering Hole have also issued a barred notice to Forbes, claiming the drone was intimidating other punters after news emerged that a cackle of wives and girlfriends were gathering in Forbes’ house every night to watch live footage of who was in the pub when they shouldn’t have been.
The S800 professional Hex-Rotor Platform Big Aircraft (£2500) has a hovering time of 16 minutes, giving it enough time to leave Mrs Forbes’ porch and spend over 5 minutes inside the pub whilst a live feed of the images are shown on her laptop in her front room.
Former bowls champion and full-time drinker Mal Quinn admitted it was hard to enjoy his pints with the humming of the drone over his head and knowing that his wife is watching the whole thing in Forbes’ living room:
“It’s bad enough knowing that you’re now going to be killed when you get home for being late with the bread but that humming noise is making it an altogether irritating experience, especially when you’re trying to watch The One Show in the back room. Either Forbes finds another place to drink or the drone will be kicked up and down the pub, expensive or not.”
Neighbours also revealed that Mrs Forbes has acquired a silencer for the drone and has been using it to look in through windows of neighbouring houses to check on the colours of settees and what they’re watching etc.
“What man buys his wife a drone for Christmas?”
said Forbes’ brother Pat before threatening to buy a drone-exterminating aircraft from Ebay.
Violence Erupts At Pub Quiz Over World War Question
Artist’s impression of quiz fight
The organizers of a Cookstown Pub Quiz have admitted that strict regulations on mobile phone technology may have been a reason for the violent scenes witnessed during last night’s Monday Night Quiz in Mullavan’s Pub.
Police were called to the venue at 11pm after three windows were smashed and furniture broken following a tie-break question, which caused a difference of opinion, to see who would finish in last place.
The question – ‘Which world war came first – World War I or World War II?’ saw The Sinister Pumpkins answer WWI with Badger Breeders adamant it was WWII. The Quiz Master awarded the points to Badger Breeders, sparking an aggressive debate and accusations of underhand tactics before a glass was thrown at a supporter of the winning team. Within minutes an all-out brawl engulfed the premises.
Paul O’Farrell, captain of The Sinister Pumpkins, told us from his bed:
“This was blatant favoritism. Everyone knows that WWI was first – there should be no debate about this. That’s why it’s called One and not Two. I can’t believe we even had this discussion, never mind a brawl.”
Kieran Molloy of the Sinister Pumpkins disagreed:
“If you invented a time machine and started traveling back in time, then you would encounter WWII first as it is most recent to us. It makes sense to me. The whole wording of it is a side issue. Sure didn’t The Hobbit movies come out after The Lord of the Rings movies and that’s all messed up when you think about it. Same with Star Wars – the prequel one which came out after the first ones in the picture-houses which were actually earlier chronologically. And who’s to say Jaws 3 didn’t happened before Jaws 2, in real life like.”
Pub owner Eoin Mullavan admits a simple Google search on someone’s phone would have solved the dispute but a strict policy on technological devices prevented their use. He added that he personally believes WWII was first but would surf the answer later.
Conor Gormley Takes Down Fintona Wind Turbine With Shoulder Charge To Celebrate Retirement
A stricken wind turbine which was felled on Friday on the Screggagh wind farm on Murley mountain near Fintona was said to be a last act of defiance by recently retired All Star defender Conor Gormley, sending out a message to the Tyrone side before they take on Armagh in the McKenna Cup this weekend.
A close friend of the Carrickmore man confirmed it was something Gormley would do and should not be looked on as an act of vandalism but as heroic as Finn McCool or Cuchulainn.
“Aye that’d be Conor alright. He’s not a man for words. I’d say he’s thought long and hard about a parting gift for the current squad, so he has decided to shoulder charge a wind turbine to the ground. He’s some boyo.”
The 80 metre turbine, valued at over £500,000, collapsed on Friday evening, scattering debris over a wide area. The sound of the failing mechanical structure was heard more than seven miles away. Some people said the sound was like thunder.
“I remember him shouldering Oisin McConville in 2003 and it was a similar sound.”
added former county squad player Sean Cavlan.
The Gormley turbine saga puts into the shade Armagh’s Francie Bellew who marked his retirement by clattering into the gable wall of the Crossmaglen PSNI barracks, causing £6000 worth of structural damage.
2014 in review
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 2,300,000 times in 2014. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 99 days for that many people to see it.
NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.
McCrea about to bombard Greencastle
The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.
The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.
The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:
“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”
The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.
McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.
McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.
Over 5000 Tyrone Men To Be Circumcised On New Year’s Day
Queue for tickets for Omagh circumcision event
In a bid to recognise The Feast of the Circumcision of Jesus which from 1568 to 1960 was called “The Circumcision of the Lord and the Octave of the Nativity” and celebrated on the 1st January, over 5000 Tyrone men have agreed to be circumcised on that day with many opting for public ceremonies.
Although the Church have distanced themselves from the event, many theologians have backed the initiative as an honourable attempt to overturn the decision of Pope John XXIII’s in 1960 who renamed the day by omitting any reference to circumcision.
One volunteer from Cappagh, Pat Rice (61), maintains he is a little bit nervous but reckons it sends a message out to today’s youth that Christianity is still alive and well in mid-Ulster:
“I admit I’ve had a few sleepless nights thinking about it, especially as ours is being carried out in the middle of the local football field on the back of a lorry. But the organisers promise the crowd will be told to stay behind the fence and there is a ban on zooming devices such as cameras or binoculars. I’ll throw a few half’uns into me first and it’ll be dead on.”
The largest group appears to be in Ardboe with over 900 men agreeing to the circumcision. Gardener Leo Tomney agrees that it sends out a positive message:
“Young ones nowadays have lost their way. They’d rather stay in the house on their computers instead of going to Devotions or doing a stint at the Missions. By showing them that we’re proud of our faith and are willing to undergo open-air surgery, maybe it’ll turn a few back to the light. I’ve a new pair of jeans and all for the big day.”
200 nurses will be on standby throughout the day.
Two Women Take Head Clean Off Each Other Over Shop’s Last Family Circle Biscuits
Shop owners have been urged to remind shoppers that their premises will be open again in a couple of days after police were called to the Spar in Brackville due to a violent brawl over the last tin of Family Circle Delux Edition biscuits.
The incident occurred hours after three brothers in Tattyreagh were cautioned for fighting over a case of Shloer in Omagh earlier in the day. Government officials have called on all retail outlets to remind shoppers that goods will be available for purchase in under 48 hours and that there was no word of an apocalypse or extreme weather conditions for the foreseeable future.
The Brackaville brawl occurred after two neighbours spotted the final tin of Family Circle sitting in the middle of an aisle with a big £4.99 sign dangling over them. Shopper Brian Carland witnessed the clash:
“It was like a scene out of a Clint Eastwood film. The two women were equ-distance from the tin and descended on their prize like rockets. Next, all you could see were hair clips and bras flying all over the shop as they tore strips off each other. The odd thing was that both trollies were full of cakes and biscuits and stuff. Them Family Circle must be good.”
Police warned both women regarding future behaviour and reminded one of the perpetrators that she’d already bought two normal boxes of Family Circle as well as a 5-pack of Ginger Nuts.
Meanwhile a family of four in Fintona are said to be distraught after only managing to secure a 20lb turkey, as their appetites are far bigger now than last year. They are willing to accept generous food parcels.
Stormont House Agreement Sees Tyrone ‘Hard Done By’ Says Kildress Man
A sight under threat with the new agreement
As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.
Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.
McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.
“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”
Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.
“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”
The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.
Street Parties Commence In Coalisland For Elton John’s Wedding
Elton in his beloved Fianna outfit
The mood in Coalisland has been described as ‘joyous’ and ‘celebratory’ after news filtered through of Elton John’s marriage to his long-term partner David Furnish.
Locals also confirmed that a delegation from the town flew over to Berkshire, England to celebrate Elton’s big day by singing songs outside his mansion and to give him a gift from the people in the town – £3o worth of vouchers to be spent in Frank McGirr’s clothing and accessories store before May 2015.
The Elton John/Coalisland affiliation has been an open secret for years now after Elton revealed his song ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ was about the time he watched Coalisland Fianna GFC lose to Aghyaran in the 1981 Intermediate Final. Local historian and big Elton fan Ronnie McSherry added:
“Yes, Elton was gutted that day Aghyaran beat us. He was a big fan of the Blues and so combined his feeling of despondency with his love for the Fianna and came up with ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ which we play before the start of every home game as well at the end of dances at the weekends. We love the man here. We wish Elton and David all the best.”
McSherry’s views were not widely held as a large proportion of the town’s prolific gay community admitted to feeling insanely jealous and singing ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ over and over. Tensions were said to be high this afternoon as members of the town’s hetrosexual community taunted them with renditions of ‘I Wanna Kiss The Bride’ outside the off-licence.
Local priest Fr Lyons has appealed for calm between the two factions but admitted that Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.
Meanwhile, the road between Coalisland and Stewartstown has now reopened after the sighting of a ghost was confirmed as an on-the-run returning home for Christmas week.
Tyrone Tribulations 