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Carrickmore Farmers Come To Blows Over Access To A Field On Pluto
Within hours after NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft flyby of the icy planet Pluto, a minor scuffle broke out in Carrickmore after two farmers immediately claimed fields beside each other on the dwarf planet, somewhere around the middle of it.
Despite a sizeable journey of 3-billion miles and a 9-year jaunt at an average speed of 30’000mph, Peter Gormley and James Kavanagh immediately set their sights on claiming land on the planet on a first-come-first-served basis. A disagreement emerged after Kavanagh refused Gormley access to his field if a road is built on the other side of Kavanagh’s field.
Gormley fumed:
“This is typical of the Kavanaghs. They’ve always been a carnaptious breed. Anyway, James hasn’t been doing his homework as usual. Apparently the gravity is so weak on Pluto that I could jump right over 3 acres of land and land gently on the other side. And I can fire the cattle over that way too. So balls to him.”
Kavanagh reportedly struck Gormley after Kavanagh suggested the only reason his rival was interested in Pluto was because you weigh only 10% of what you are on earth due to the gentler pull of gravity and that Mrs Gormley would only be 20 stone over there.
When asked how his cattle will be able to endure temperatures of -220, Kavanagh added:
“Just keep the barn doors closed and make cow-jackets. It’s not rocket science.”
Meanwhile, Carrickmore have applied to be twinned with the dwarf planet.
Carrickmore Man ‘Deadly Excited’ After Birth Of Royal Baby
For sale in Carrickmore
A Carrickmore car mechanic has decided to come clean and admit he watched wall-to-wall coverage of the birth of Princess Charlotte, daughter of the current Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, leaving two punters fuming that their cars weren’t ready for over 48 hours.
Lennie Cavanagh (48), who has only been as far as Bundoran on holidays, revealed he even found himself welling up when he saw the mother of the child walking about in a clean frock so soon after the birth.
“This is right up there with the first All-Ireland and my own wedding. I just turned over to BBC News 24 to see the weather and found myself hooked on the Royal storyline and the weight of the baby and stuff. It was riveting. People won’t admit it, but it has fairly lifted Carrickmore this week. Let’s be honest. This child is more important than our own.”
Irate car owner, Francie Johnson (39) from Cappagh, did not share in Cavanagh’s elation:
“My ball bearings are banjaxed and Lennie is sitting on his arse watching the news about a child being born in England. The same man didn’t turn up for the birth of his own second child, instead watching the reserves in the first round of the championship. Although, admittedly, I myself was pleasantly surprised at how well rested the Duchess looked after the birth, and me and the lads did talk about that for two hours in the pub that night.”
Local bookmakers Kelly’s Odds boasted they made over £30’000 on the birth after a rash of unsuccessful bets on what the name of the child would be. A spokesman for the company revealed 49 punters bet on “Saoirse”, 34 plumped for “Caitlin”, 21 chose “Caoimhe”, 19 “Aoife”, and 11 “Roisin”.
Meanwhile, Carrickmore captain Benny Gormley has promised to celebrate any goals he scores this weekend against Coalisland by pulling a dummy from his socks and making a rocking gesture to mark the momentous occasion:
Tyrone’s Victorious U21 Footballers Prepare For Harsh Reality Of Club Football
Player wearing earphones caused this brawl in Dromore
Several members of Tyrone triple All-Ireland winning teams from the mid 2000s have warned Feargal Logan’s U21 team to be prepared for increased digging and slapping sessions from opponents who cheered them on at the weekend, as they return to the Tyrone club scene.
A 2-time All-Ireland winner from that era, who wishes to remain anonymous, reckons fixtures down by the loughshore are to be feared as they ‘love to bring medallists down a peg or two‘ especially if they turn up to games wearing earphones or fancy boots.
“After the final whistle in 2005, three fellas from Ardboe carried me off the Croke Park turf on their shoulders, crying tears of joy. Two weeks later and the same three lads kicked the dung clean out of me when we played Ardboe in a meaningless league game. One of them even said ‘who do ye think ye are ye big-headed tramp‘ and I’m a quiet sort of lad.”
Logan is to send the victorious squad to a psychologist in Mayo for two days in order to prepare them for the verbals they’ll face from the average club player.
Carrickmore squad player Patsy Gormless admitted he can’t wait to get a chance to play against some of the new All-Ireland medallists:
“I remember playing against the Moy shortly after the 2003 All-Ireland final. I managed to deck all three of Cavanagh, Mellon and Jordan within five minutes of the throw in. Caught Jordan with a belter to the back of the head. He’s my favourite Tyrone player too and he made me so proud to be a Tyrone man that year. But he was probably thinking he was deadly so I cracked him.”
It was widely reported that after the 2008 All-Ireland win Ryan McMenamin purposely punched himself in a club game to knock the cockiness out of himself.
Referees have been told to be on their guard but were also warned that any decisions awarded to the new medallists will only antagonise opponents even more.
Meanwhile, an Ardboe defender admitted he purposely floored a county man playing for Omagh on Sunday for wearing his socks up too high.
Coalisland-Born Astronaut Warned About Diffing And Slagging On International Space Station
Flight Engineer McCann
A Coalisland born Flight Engineer, currently on-board the International Space Station which hurtles around the earth’s orbit at around 17’000 mph, has been severely reprimanded by NASA after a series of misdemeanours including ‘doing donuts’ over Ireland and slagging Russians about the quality of their Vodka.
Nevada-based Sheamy McCann, who left Coalisland in 1986 when his mother told him to ‘stop that oul space talk and get a job down the yard‘, has been on the current expedition for 98 days and is responsible for carrying out scientific testing on toiletry habits in space.
NASA confirmed today that McCann is on a final warning after a Russian Cosmonaut, Vladimir Drago, threatened to ‘get Putin on the job‘ if the Tyrone man continued making derogative comments about their vodka and other national treasures.
Houston Commander Haddyfield explained:
“McCann is already on a warning after the time he was given the controls last month. When passing over Ireland he started doing donuts and ‘diffing’ as he called it, shouting ‘yeoooo ye boy ye‘ and adding a spoiler to the rear compartment. He’s really only there to examine what toilet roll works best in space.”
Haddyfield expanded on the recent feud between McCann and a couple of Russian colleagues:
“He’s always winding the Russians up by doing Riverdance versions of their distinctive Russian dancing. The he’d start slagging Lada cars, calling them ‘hapes of dung‘ and putting Post-It notes all over the station saying things like ‘Smirnoff is shite‘ and ‘Putinka tastes like cat’s pish‘. It’s just not funny.”
McCann has denied any purposeful wrong-doing 200 miles above the planet, believing he was lightening the mood ‘as all people talk about up here is oul science stuff‘.
He also plans on writing a book about some of the things he has spotted whilst orbiting the earth, including multiple diesel-laundering sites in and around Carrickmore.
Some Tyrone Men (and the odd woman) Arrested For Being Not Physically Prepared For Early Spring Sun
Coalisland, Tuesday
Government officials have asked locals to ‘think again’ after many were lulled into a false sense of confidence in their physique after the recent spell of good weather, resulting in several arrests.
Children and the elderly in Omagh, Coalisland, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon and Carrickmore have been told to cover their eyes or stay indoors after 344 complaints were made to the Nolan Show and 132 to the police regarding the shape of men and some women walking around pavements and scenic walkways since Sunday.
Tyrone Social Standards Committee Chairperson Sheila McMullan admitted the warm spell caught a few people unaware and has promised strict sanctions will be enforced from tomorrow onwards until the sun is higher in the sky near July:
“I understand most people hadn’t planned for a bit of sun in April. But, for the love of God, think twice before the tops come off or the vest tops are employed. You don’t get footballers turning up for a big game in front of thousands not having trained or a stand-up comedian arriving with no jokes. Could these sun-worshippers please think of the elderly? One shock and it’s all over. Also, young children still have nightmares. Please have a bit of wit. Wait until the holidays.”
Community Watchdog groups in all major towns and large hamlets in the county have been given the power to perform a citizen’s arrest on anyone they suspect being out of shape whilst whipping off clothing in broad daylight.
Already there have been three arrests in The Moy, including two brothers who were spotted heading into the Post Office bare-chested and donning ill-fitting 1980s GAA shorts.
Meanwhile, plans to build a beach in Stewartstown have been shot down by locals who complained about the possibility of foreigners arriving and impressing the women.
Accusations Of ‘Inside Job’ As Gerry Adams Finishes Second At Carrickmore Naked Trampolining Competition
Adams, after announcement
A Pomeroy naked trampolinist has had his winner’s cheque withheld after the Carrickmore judge was accused of being a great friend of the winner, whose jumping was described as ‘not that deadly’ by the strong Sinn Fein contingent supporting their party leader Gerry Adams.
Adams, who invented naked trampolining in 2012 and currently holds the Irish, British and Commonwealth titles in the sport, was expected to romp to victory at the Carrickmore event which featured many well known locals including Malachi Cush, Ciaran McClean, Plunkett Donaghy, Michelle Gildernew, Tom Elliot and Lynette Fay. The competition was won by Pomeroy lawyer Jack Kavanagh and adjudicated by Carrickmore veteran Patsy Gormley.
Over £40 was raised for a new coat of paint for the gable wall on the way into the village.
Spectator and naked trampolining enthusiast Deckie Bogue, a Fermanagh journalist and bare-chested midnight-lamping champion, announced his shock at the blatant skulduggery on display:
“Adams was by far the best naked trampolinist there today. He glided gracefully in the cold Carrickmore mist, his twisted torso a sight to behold. Gildernew and Donaghy were good at maintaining a straight back whilst Cush was perhaps hindered what God gave him in abundance as it was flapping all over the place and distracting everyone. But Kavanagh was middlin to say the least. This was a backhander job.”
The SF contingent booed heavily after the decision was announced and burst into a rendition of ‘Something Inside So Strong’. A despondent Adams, who lost his first competition since a defeat in 2013 in East Belfast, tried to remain philosophical after the defeat:
“I’m not going to accuse the Carrickmore/Pomeroy lads of anything. The reality of the situation is if you come to a place like this, you need to jump higher and better as there’s always a chance there’ll be a home-town decision. But I’ll be back. I haven’t gone away y’know. I’m just glad I bate Tom Elliot.”
Winner Kavanagh and judge Gormley were later seen laughing and joking outside the SDLP offices.
Lynette Fay was judged best newcomer after her maiden performance but has been warned about her risky tattoos for future outings.
Conor Gormley Takes Down Fintona Wind Turbine With Shoulder Charge To Celebrate Retirement
A stricken wind turbine which was felled on Friday on the Screggagh wind farm on Murley mountain near Fintona was said to be a last act of defiance by recently retired All Star defender Conor Gormley, sending out a message to the Tyrone side before they take on Armagh in the McKenna Cup this weekend.
A close friend of the Carrickmore man confirmed it was something Gormley would do and should not be looked on as an act of vandalism but as heroic as Finn McCool or Cuchulainn.
“Aye that’d be Conor alright. He’s not a man for words. I’d say he’s thought long and hard about a parting gift for the current squad, so he has decided to shoulder charge a wind turbine to the ground. He’s some boyo.”
The 80 metre turbine, valued at over £500,000, collapsed on Friday evening, scattering debris over a wide area. The sound of the failing mechanical structure was heard more than seven miles away. Some people said the sound was like thunder.
“I remember him shouldering Oisin McConville in 2003 and it was a similar sound.”
added former county squad player Sean Cavlan.
The Gormley turbine saga puts into the shade Armagh’s Francie Bellew who marked his retirement by clattering into the gable wall of the Crossmaglen PSNI barracks, causing £6000 worth of structural damage.
NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.
McCrea about to bombard Greencastle
The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.
The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.
The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:
“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”
The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.
McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.
McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.
Barry McElduff Won’t Bare Arse For Carrickmore Christmas Calendar
A fully clothed MLA
Despite pressure from friends and family, it is rumoured that Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff will not be baring his backside in a Kim Kardashian-style photo-shoot to raise money for the flooded areas around Derrytresk.
Carrickmore have confirmed that the calendar will go ahead with one definite photo already leaked on social media of Conor Gormley wearing only dungarees and shovelling manure in a field, winking at the camera.
The defection of McElduff is a serious blow to calendar photographer Ozzy Corr:
“I had it all worked out in my head. Barry would have his back to the camera, eating maybe a bowl of champ, totally buck naked. I wasn’t sure whether he’d have the glasses on him or not but sure it’s not going to happen now anyway. The poor flooded people of Derrytresk will be devastated to hear the news that Barry’s buns won’t be bared this year anyway.”
Women across Tyrone have described the news as ‘catastrophic’, with one 45-year old from Kildress claiming she hardly feels like bothering with Christmas this year.
“Forget the flooded ones in Derrytresk, what about the females of Tyrone? We have nothing to be looking at all year around and then we’re teased with the possibility of seeing McElduff’s posterior. It’s just cat. Barry won’t be getting my vote next time unless he changes his mind and gets the kit off. Mr Elduff – your county needs you.”
Other confirmed closely-guarded names for the calendar have been hard to acquire but we do know that Owen Mulligan, Malachi Cush, Jimmy McGuinness and Fermanagh journalist Declan Bogue were rumoured to have been spotted wearing suspicious-looking trench coats in various ramparts and ditches around the area over the weekend.
Meanwhile, a Derrytresk Community spokesman has asked for more snorkels to be send to the area urgently.
Killyman Chippy Accused Of ‘Blatant Opportunism’ After Selling Curry Yoghurts
Following the furore of Gregory Campbell’s mockery of the Irish language during a Northern Ireland Assembly meeting yesterday, a Killyman entrepreneur has been accused as ‘being as bad as the DUP man’ after setting up shop on the side of the road outside the village, selling a curry yoghurt and a tin of ‘Coca Coalyer’ for a pound this morning.
Teddy Og McKenna, who has a history of cashing in on controversial events, maintains he made £300 in one hour with his novelty meal deal:
“I did get a bit of abuse from family and friends but a serious crowd from Moygashel and Newmills arrived when word got out. Them boys are the salt of the earth, and them from the other side of the house to me too. Deadly friendly.”
Teddy Og’s father Teddy Snr lambasted his son, calling him an ‘oul bollocks’ and a crook:
“This is not the first time our Teddy has stooped to this level. When Sammy Wilson was photographed running through fields in the nude a few years ago, he sold a range of invisible clothes at the same spot in the road called ‘Emperor Sammy’s New Clothes’. He sold 36 units to a pile of lads from Carrickmore and Galbally. 36 units of nothing on a hanger at £22 a shot.”
Meanwhile, the Irish News food critic sampled the curry yoghurt and labelled it ‘one of the best culinary experiences of my life’ and that the meal was ‘like a ballet of heavenly angels dancing on my palate’. It was later revealed she was still half-drunk from a charity Night At The Races in The Moy the previous night.
Riot In Carrickmore After WeightWatchers Weighing Session
New WW Weighing System
Temperatures in Carrickmore were said to be finally cooling this morning after several WeightWatcher customers complained that the scales were wrong, confirming suspicions for some that organizers were deliberating making sure locals ‘didn’t lose too much weight’ in case they left it.
PSNI representatives were called after the main scales were shattered into many pieces as up to ten slimmers took to destroying the piece of equipment with cudgels and their own steel toe-capped boots. Henry McCallan, a first-timer at the session, explained what happened to the weighing aparatus:
“Aye, they kicked the shite out of it.”
WeightWatchers have yet to confirm whether or not they will return to Carrickmore, citing evidence that this apparently happened before with Slimming World. Company CEO Patrick Lyons confirmed:
“Before we set foot in Carrickmore, we knew it was a risky business. Slimming World were famously burned out of the village after their scales showed that seven people had gained one pound in weight that week, despite all of them saying they had cut out chips and replaced them with skinnier fries. Every weighing session here is like a stand-off between organizers and customers. I am deadly afraid of someone putting on 3-4 pounds in case they put me through the wall.”
Kelly Wilkinson, who has been attending WW since 2007, added:
“It’s a buckin scam. I was 12 stone in 2007. I’m 12 stone 1 now. Sure how can that make any sense? Everyone knows bars of chocolate are smaller now and bags of crisps have less in them. They’re trying to tell me I just have bigger hands. I’m quitting and going on the Atkins Diet.”
WW have proposed a radical weighing method where they tie ropes to slimmers and hoist them up on pulleys and use heavy weights at the other end to measure any weight changes more accurately. This will also render the slimmer harmless as they hang in the air, hopefully calmed by the time they hit the ground.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Sky TV Lost An Estimated Half A Billion In Tyrone Since 2001
A rare sight in Tyrone
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Pay per view broadcaster SKY TV has reported that it haemorrhaged just under 500 million pounds since 2001 in ‘lost or stolen revenue’ in County Tyrone. Most of it is thought to be attributable to trade in illegal counterfeit box units.
An East Belfast based representative for Sky, Mr Philo-Farnsworth Jenkins, has told Tyrone Tribulations of the frustrations the Rupert Murdoch owned media company has had to face around mid-Ulster.
“We believe that the Carrickmore area is by far the worst offender for copyrighting issues. Only 3% housing we visited have actually admitted to even owning a television set, never mind pay per view packages. The majority even had dishes on the roofs. Our presence is hardly sustainable at this rate. When issuing notices to conform, we have received house-owner names such as Michael Mouse, The Man From God Knows Where, Napoleon Dynamite, Sean South, Vladimir Klitschko, Rupert Murdoch, Rupert The Bear, The Pope, Oz McCallan and we even had a Tiger Woods. It’s really not that funny.”
Jenkins has also spoken about the threats and unsafe conditions his drivers are facing in some parts of Tyrone.
“In the past four months, we have had a penis drawn on Homer Simpson’s forehead on one of our vans, and posters of an Irish footballer called Patrick Spillane stuck to five different windscreens. We’ve also actually had a van clamped by a youth of no more than 13 years of age – from where he got the clamp is still a mystery to the authorities. One of our employees conducting a door to door survey was even threatened with a gigantic wooden spoon as well as a hurling or shinty stick, and told to get out of the area. What is going wrong with NI youth these days? “
Mr Jenkins went on to say that typically the highest TV traffic bracket – week day mid-morning – is associated with a plethora of students and unemployed sitting at home drinking tea. He conceded that 97% of Tyrone homes not having a TV in this day and age is simply not credible:
“When you look at the nationwide viewing figures for Dr Phil, Jeremy Kyle and even Deal or No Deal, if it weren’t for the unemployed these programmes simply would not be on television. They would be replaced with more Homes Under The Hammer type stuff and yet Tyrone bucks the trend completely, with no one watching TV… You can laugh all you like but it is a serious matter.”
Also, despite the fact that GAA clubs throughout the island of Ireland have been offered a discount of some 30% to install a SKY box, only one GAA club anywhere – the PSNI Gaelic Athletic Club – has come forward to apply, though the club’s subscription money remains to be paid.
As local channel Ulster Television prepares to go south of the border, with first programmes due to air on January 1st 2015, UTV are preparing to install barriers and water cannon at their premises. They are expecting loitering and crowds to gather outside UTV house on the Ormeau Road over Christmas, as this can often be a quiet season for protesting.
4000 Armagh Fans Duped Into Buying Tickets For Nally Stand In Carrickmore This Year
Armagh fans wait patiently in vain
Thousands of expectant Armagh supporters were said to be beyond anger after it emerged a Carrickmore entrepreneur sold 4000 tickets to Orchard fans for the Nally Stand which now resides at the Carrickmore GAA ground.
Armagh, who hadn’t appeared in Croke Park in decades, panic bought tickets at the last minute from a man in a green and yellow jersey, promising them ‘deadly views of the field’ and brilliant parking for the game against Galway earlier in the year.
Armagh fanatic and Portadown native Anthony Fearon found it hard to put his anger into words:
“I just can’t believe it. My satnav told me to follow this route north to Carrickmore even though I was fairly sure Croke Park wasn’t that direction but we hadn’t been there in years. The wife and I even ate sandwiches from the boot in Pomeroy. The penny really should have dropped.”
The Nally Stand was bought by the Carrickmore club almost ten years ago but had been operating at a loss until this weekend.
Carrickmore PR Yash McCallan admitted:
“It was some coup. We had 4000 Armagh fans packed into the stand at 3:30pm generating us some £80’000 income. The majority of them hadn’t been born the last time they played in Croke Park so it was a fairly expectant crowd. We sort of felt bad and put on an U16 ladies game between Greencastle and Kildress.”
Meanwhile, Fearon admitted that the journey wasn’t wasted as he vowed he’d be back in mid Tyrone to taste again the delicious scones provided at half time by Conor Gormley.
Armagh lost.
Tyrone Aim For 10 Gold Medals In Shooting At Commonwealth Games
Ardboe competitor at first practice
Around 60 middle-aged men from Carrickmore, Galbally, Kildress, Coalisland and Ardboe will make their debuts today in the Commonwealth Games in Scotland, with high expectations of bringing home a rash of medals despite no official training.
The athletes arrived over in a convoy of six white vans yesterday, claiming they purposely avoided the opening ceremony because of the amount of cameras and men in uniform about the arena.
Early practice ironed out a few problems, especially after the majority turned up camouflaged with ferns and brackens from home. Additionally, many of their guns appeared to be covered in turf, as if unearthed just recently.
Jackie ‘eagle-eye’ McDermott (61) from Kildress was disappointed that the categories were not what they expected them to be:
“Yes a few things have annoyed us but we’ll tear away anyway. They said we are not allowed to wear any facial coverings but some of these lads shoot far better with what we now call ‘head-warmers’ on them. But rules are rules I suppose. The dark sunglasses and moustaches will do ok. Sniping doesn’t seem to be a category at all too.”
Unfortunately three men were sent home after early practice this morning for shouting ‘yeeoooo’ and a three-worded saying in Irish every time they hit a target, despite repeated warnings. One of the threesome, Peter Bradley (54) from Ardboe, dejectedly explained:
“Ghost-oh we got thrown out. It was a natural reaction, like, from years ago. I suppose shouting abuse at the English shooters was bad manners. We’ll be back in four years though with a better idea of the format. We haven’t gone away ye know.”
Meanwhile, another shooter, Hugh Devine (49) from Carrickmore, has been sent home for testing positive for homemade brew as well as making animal noises when rival air rifle competitors were aiming.
Ireland Might Be ‘Put Down’ After Gaza Vote Says Tyrone Psychologist
Ireland – a tired old woman?
Following Ireland’s decision to abstain from a UN Human Rights Council vote on whether to launch a commission of inquiry into Israel’s offensive in Gaza, a Carrickmore medical expert has hinted that Ireland may be in the advance stages of dotage now with eye-sight almost entirely gone and left vulnerable to bullies.
The diagnosis was forwarded by fax to the Head of Medical Practices in Dublin with a recommendation that the nation be ‘put down’ before it comes out with something that’ll embarrass us for centuries, hurting tourism and overseas sales of Tayto and Guinness:
“If Ireland was a dog….well you know the rest,” Dr Henry McCallan informed us by, again, fax. “It’s obvious that its eyesight is so completely banjaxed that it cannot distinguish between extreme violation of human rights from a bit of ‘carry on out there’ as one politician told me yesterday.”
The doctor was also worried about Ireland being taken advantage of by younger and cleverer nations who promise to cure her of all her ails if Sean-Bhean Bhocht plays ball with her:
“Yes, that’s a big worry. Kathleen Ni Houlihan appears to be in a vulnerable state and will jump as high as she’s told. I’m aware of a particular young, devious and powerful predator out west who was been promising her all manner of treasures as long as she toes the line. I think we need to put her out of her misery before we’re stripped of all respectability. She’s undoing all her good work such as The Book of Kells, WB Yeats and Johnny Logan.”
The move to put her to sleep follows other examples of irrational behaviour in recent times such as appointing Roy Keane in a role of responsibility and making a cod out of a C&W singer.
Anarchy In Tyrone As Post-Brooks Stress Hotline Set Up. Bonfires and Screaming On The Rise.
Carrickmore man, earlier
Government officials have urged all affected Tyronians to stay calm and think of their favourite place after news emerged that all Garth Brooks concerts have been cancelled.
Police have already had to contend with an outbreak of unpleasantness with reports of bonfires being set alight all over the county, with fans burning excess cowboy hats and boots as well as old CDs of Brooks’ greatest hits. They have urged anyone looking to wreck anything to phone their special Post-Brooks Stress hotline, a condition quickly diagnosed by a doctor in Coalisland.
Brooks fanatic Marie Herron admitted she was at her wit’s end:
“I just can stop running around and screaming. What the hell are we going to do now this summer? That’s not just the summer ruined, it’s the whole year and possibly the decade. I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow.”
Screaming and running about seems to be the first sign of Post-Brooks Stress Disorder, before it turns violent and victims begin to wreck and burn things. In Kildress, it has been reported that nearly everything not tied down has been set alight including cattle and trailers. UTV cameramen have confirmed they have footage of three men in Carrickmore crying valleys of tears at the news, before punching each other.
One, a talented electrician, told them:
“I’m not bothered about Brooks. It’s the side effects. I’ll have to tramp around Dublin Zoo or something now with herself that weekend.”
Local politicians have called an emergency meeting of all elected councillors to decide on their next move, with talk of a march to Dublin high on the agenda. They have also set up a fund-raising committee to help pay for those out of pocket because of the £1 handling fee on Ticketmaster.
Meanwhile Mickey Harte has called on his players to ‘Do It For Garth’ this Sunday against Armagh. County officials have also urged supporters to bring their cowboy hats and shoes to the game and pretend it’s the concert they were supposed to be going to as it might be their only day out this year.
Tyrone Woman Gets Lost In Her Own Garden For NINE Days
McAliskey’s garden
It emerged last night that 40 year old Strabane woman Dearbhla McAliskey has returned to her front door after spending nine days wandering aimlessly around her overgrown garden on the Derry Road. McAliskey, a well known folk singer and match-goer, blamed her husband for over-doing it with the miracle-grow he used on the Fuchsias, Rhododendrons and Allium hollandicums.
Concerns about McAliskey’s absence were raised after she remained somewhere in the garden for three days consecutively, according to her husband and horticulturalist Benny McAliskey (41):
“It was not unknown for Dearbhla to spend up to 48 hours in the garden at any given time, usually returning when the hunger set in or for a bowel movement. It had grown up rightly this year because of the fertilizing stuff I bought at Clady market so I had a fair idea she might run into difficulty. Looking back, I would have done things differently. I should have shouted her name or something instead of waiting on the porch smoking my pipe and listening to RTE Lyric FM.”
Mrs McAliskey, who ironically recently penned a song about a couple who were also lost in a forest of rhododendrons, claims she survived the nine-day ordeal by eating mushrooms that magically grew on a regular basis every day:
“Only for them there mushrooms I don’t know what I’d have done. Maybe I’d have tried harder, as eating them things made me a bit lazy and stuff. It was a mental time. There’d be moments when I’d be deadly euphoric and then out of the blue I’d be chased by a purple dragon that talked in a Carrickmore accent, ridden by Dana. It’s hard to say what the hell went on since last Thursday.”
At the time of publication, Dearbhla has gone missing again in the garden. Mr McAliskey has pledged to shout her name if she surpasses the previous record.
Ivory Coast Community In Tyrone Confused
Ivory Coast house brick.
The 25-strong Ivory Coast community, who moved to Dungannon 30 years ago hoping to get work digging for lignite at Lough Neagh in a dig that never started, have admitted they are completely in the dark over a rise in goodwill gestures coupled with hate messages since last week.
Tanya Eboue, who has decked her bungalow from top to bottom in Ivorian flags for the World Cup, explained their confusion:
“It all kicked off when we put up the bunting for the World Cup. Within minutes there were a crowd of skin heads shouting ‘yiz fenian feckers’ and stuff like that. We tried to explain that we were just excited about our lads playing over in Brazil and they started laughing and said something about the ‘Mexican taigs down south’ being useless and not being in Brazil. We’re totally confused.”
Eboue, who runs a hairdressers in Killyman, added:
“Then the priest walked by us and shouted in ‘keep her lit’ and ‘chucky air la’ and was winking and pumping his fist. A Sinn Fein politican brought us cakes and mineral. We’re just a bit dazed by what’s going on. What has changed?”
Dungannon DUP politician, Ken Williams, has called for the Ivorian Prime Minister to step in and change the colours of their national flag as it was causing offence across Northern Ireland. In a heartfelt plea, he asked for common sense to prevail:
“Ivorians should know what that flag represents. It’s irresponsible for them to adopt those colours given what has happened here since 1561. There’s a rumour that the man who designed the flag, Kol Toure, married a girl from the mainly nationalist Carrickmore so there’s more to this than meets the eye.”
The Dungannon Ivorians have pledged to offer anyone offended with their national flag a gift of a copy of the Wolfe Tones’ Greatest Hits which has been No.1 in the Ivory Coast since 2001.
Tyrone GAA Player May Quit Over Quality Of Birthday Cake
This year’s, and maybe last year’s, cake
An unnamed Tyrone player is said to be sitting at home ‘hopping mad’ after it was revealed he was presented with a caterpillar birthday cake for his 32nd birthday, for the second year running.
The Carrickmore defender, whose identity is being kept under wraps, was presented with the cake after training on Tuesday night in the changing rooms ahead of their preliminary round replay against Down this weekend.
A source close to the team revealed how the iconic defender initially reacted with indifference before launching a four-lettered tirade against the management and fellow players.
“Flip, he lost it. The worst thing about it was the cake might have been the same one as last year. I remember the mouth fell off last year and this one had no gob too. I think what really pissed him off was the Happy Birthday song. Only a couple half-heartedly sang it and it had completely tailed off by the time his name was mentioned.”
In a remarkable fit of temper, the player lifted the cake and flung it against the wall above the head of the assistant manager. Embarrassingly, the cake bounced back off the wall and struck the ageing Carrickmore man on the groin, causing a ripple of giggles from the younger players in the squad.
“He nearly took the head clean off one of our nippy forwards who was smirking at the bouncing cake. I really thought the Edendork finisher wasn’t going to make it out of that changing room upright. Luckily, the boss produced a party popper with streamers and that seemed to settle the veteran. He stopped effing.”
Since the incident, the Tyrone County Board have drawn up watertight birthday procedures which includes a bouncy slide to be placed at the side of the pitch for jollification after training. Clowns will also be employed with many inter-county referees filling in there.
Tyrone Tribulations 