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Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Derrytresk Handbag Woman Favourite For Tyrone Assistant Manager Job
2015 handbag
Following the decision by Tony Donnelly to step down as Tyrone assistant manager this week, Paddy Power has installed The Handbag Woman From The Hill as an unbackable odds-on favourite to stand alongside Mickey Harte on the sideline in 2015.
The woman, who has yet to be identified, is reportedly considering her options as revealing her identity might result in a van load of Dromid Pearses supporters driven by Declan O’Sullivan arriving in Derrytresk to confront her.
A Tyrone backroom official told us:
“Mickey feels that the current squad have lost a wee bit of steeliness and that maybe they need a fresh face to put the fear of God into them. Everyone agreed that there was only one person for the job and she resides in the lowlands near Tamnamore. Breaking the news to the players will have to be sensitively dealt with. I know for a fact that Kyle Coney has nightmares about this woman.”
Critics of the pending decision point to the fact that she hasn’t got a moustache and that nearly all Tyrone managers or assistants have possessed some form of facial hairiness since the 1980s. The unnamed official debunked this theory:
“That can be worked on. Anyway, they’ll not get as far as looking at her face. It’ll be what’s in her hand they’ll be keeping an eye on.”
Other applicants include Tony Donnelly again, Gerry Adams and a man from Moortown with a marvellous moustache.
Meanwhile, sources close to the woman in question have revealed that she has already placed an order for an even bigger handbag in one of the club books she gets.
Wife Made Husband Push Car For 8 Miles
Down the Derrytresk Road
In a fit of revenge for arriving in the house the previous night heavily inebriated, Derrytresk woman Kitty Devlin exacted revenge by making her worse-for-wear husband Kevin push their 1996 Volkswagen GTi eight miles from Dungannon to Derryvarne in the townland last month.
The Devlins had made the trip to Boots the Chemist in The Oaks Centre Dungannon early that morning to pick up a bag of cheap women’s leg razors and Lynx deodorant for their children, despite Mr Devlin’s hungover condition.
Kitty confirmed:
“He came in roaring and singing the night before from a whist drive night in Maghery, waking the whole house up. Then he moaned the whole way to Dungannon that morning about the fact that none of the windows opened in the motor and him feeling sick. It was whilst browsing through shower gels that I concocted my plan to make him pay for the late night drunken antics.”
On returning to the car, Mrs Devlin pretended to start the motor, claiming the battery was dead and for her husband to give it a push start.
“Little did the bollocks know but I had her in 5th gear the whole way home. I kept bellowing at him to keep er lit as it was near catching. I had no intention of starting that engine. Even when he threw up four times, at Edendork, Coalisland, Clonoe pitch and Annaghmore School I felt no sympathy. That’ll learn him.”
Kitty finally started the car in second gear less than 50 yards from their house and sped off, leaving her husband in a quare state according to neighbour Jimmy Quinn:
“I’ve never seen a vision like it. His face as red as the fiery pits of hell and him covered in vomit. A bad doing by Kitty who’s 18 stone but sure the wemen now are lethal. That’s lethal in a bad way I mean.”
Mr Devlin has since stayed on the wagon, lost two stone and is considering starting a new fitness fad called ‘push starting a car in 5th gear’.
Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People
A Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.
The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.
Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.
“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”
Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:
“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”
Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.
Clonoe’s ‘Talk To Your Animal’ Session Turns Sour
Clonoe man and dog discuss religion
The ‘Learn To Talk To Your Animals’ workshop at Clonoe Community Centre last night ended in chaos after many animals spoke back, criticising the standards of farming and general pet ownership. Rows erupted between man and beast as the PSNI arrived to control the chaotic scenes which included a savage brawl between a goat and a man from Derrylaughan.
Spiritual councillor Patricia McCabe admitted it was unlikely she’d attempt this session in the area again, which was initially meant to teach locals about animal communication by quietening the mind and focussing on your senses allowing you to listen more clearly to animals.
“Turned out the animals listened too well. There was a boy from Stewartstown who brought in a flock of sheep. After he spoke to them using my techniques, they rounded on him and called him (using sheep talk) ‘a lazy fat b***ard’ and ‘a drunken good for nothing wino”. It was when the fighting started that I realised my powers were deadly. A horse headbutted his owner from Cabragh after telling him the hay he fed her every day was covered in dung.”
Local dog owner and part-time magician, John McCabe, rued the day he set foot in the workshop:
“I wish I’d never listened to that woman. Now I can hear everything that mutt of mine is saying. Sure just this morning he jumped on my bed and started going on about the state of the room and saying oul dirty things about local women and all. Every bark is a complaint about something. It’s doing my head in. I’m going to another councillor to see if she can undo the animal-listening process.”
The PSNI admitted they were monitoring the situation and revealed their resources were stretched across Clonoe as farmers all over the parish spend most of the night out in their fields arguing with cattle, with skirmishes breaking out in Annaghmore, Derrytresk and Aughamullen.
Derrytresk’s New Portuguese Manager Slaps Down Spud Ban On Matchdays
Stable Derrytresk Sportsman Diet
Derrytresk GAA’s new manager Joswano Malinko has stunned the senior squad after enforcing a ban on consuming a plate of spuds on the morning of a match, and extending it to turnip and cabbage on Championship days. Malinko, who originally hails from Faro but has been working as a bouncer outside several Dungannon watering holes since 2006, claims there is strong scientific evidence to suggest that a slap of spuds impairs performance for up to nine hours after consumption.
During his first press conference at a corner of the field before the friendly against Maghery, Malinko reminded players he would be checking through windows to make sure the ban was being enforced:
“I have the addresses of everyone and I’ll be doing spot-checks during breakfast. When they least expect it I’ll pop up from under window sills. One of my best friends is Jose Mourinho and I was telling him about the Derrytresk ones eating plates of spuds with their jam in the morning. He took a quare laugh.”
Ex-captain Paddy Mulgrew reckons Malinko has made a big mistake early in his management career, citing the traditional nutritional benefits of the potato before a game:
“I’m a bit annoyed by this. For years we’ve been almost unbeatable at home and that’s undoubtedly the spud-effect. A man with a bellyful of potatoes and cabbage is far harder to shoulder over the sideline. This Portygal boy has waltzed in with his fancy dan ideas like omelettes and orange juice and thinks he’s deadly. Well, we’ll see. There’s boys already talking about filling their boots with spuds and eating when they can during games. This’ll not end well.”
Bookies have stopped taking bets on Derrytresk exiting the Championship in the first round, suspecting they’ll throw it in order to kill the turnip ban early on.
Tyrone Wife Sends Husband Off To Fight Anyone In Crimea
During training, Hagan’s ass pretends to be enemy on farm
A Derrytresk farmer has sent her husband off to fight for whatever side he wants in Crimea if any combat starts, describing it as a great opportunity for him to see the world and to broaden his horizons.
Danny Hagan (49) was this morning said to be ‘sort of excited’ but ‘mostly terrified’ as he had originally set his sights on a family holiday in Mayo. Speaking from Belfast International Airport, Hagan admitted:
“Aye, it’s a bit of a handlin aright. One minute I’m out lambing with gay abandon in our field and the next I’m sitting here in Belfast with a one-way ticket to Crimea and a ruck-sack filled with tins of corned beef and a gallon of buttermilk.”
The official Derrytresk send-off saw up to 12 people line the streets on both sides waving Ukraine, Russian and Crimean flags at 6am this morning. Reports suggest a row broke out after he left between supporters of the three regions, resulting in one PSNI officer arriving and employing a strong water pistol to dampen down raw emotions.
Cathy Hagan (53) told us this trip will be good for her husband:
“To be honest I always wanted to marry some kind of soldier so this will maybe re-spark the marriage. I was watching him out lambing yesterday and it was doing nothing for me. This is a whole new ball game now. I don’t know who he’ll fight for. Probably the Russians as he’s deadly for the vodka.”
Russian president Vladimir Putin has already acted to secure the services of Hagan by piping non-stop Malachi Cush music through loudspeakers in Crimea as well as inviting Ardboe and Killyman GAA clubs over to play an exhibition game on his arrival in Simferopol.
Homecoming plans have been shelved for a while with Cathy Hagan informing us ‘sure we’ll see how he goes’.
Series Of Floods In East Tyrone Sees Locals Develop Fish-like Qualities
Artist’s impression of Loughshore man in 100 years
The prolonged flooding of fields and roads in East Tyrone has resulted in many residents gradually adopting fish-like characteristics such as having pouted lips and being deadly slippery.
Scientists have descended upon the area hoping to find definite signs of aquatic change, investigating a woman from Derrylaughan who has reportedly developed scaly leg syndrome. Professor Herbie McMahon, whose mother originates from Moy, is excited by the prospect:
“Yes, this is class news. I remember the bad floods in Derrytresk four years ago and I personally believe if it hadn’t dried out so soon back then we would have witnessed a whole batch of mermaids and mermen slapping about in that general area. I spent three days hiding in hedges and loanans watching them evolve from normal Derrytreskionians to half-man/half-salmon beings. The women too were pouting like mad and sucking in air, developing those trout-pouts celebrities pay for. One girl started eating worms. No one believes me though.”
Recently, the floods have shown signs of drying up with many fields below the M1 Tamnamore roundabout down to under 8 inches water depth. Prof McMahon insisted time is of the essence:
“We need to act now. There’ll be a few showers this week which will keep these people topped up. I’m told there’s a man developing gills in Brocagh. I also took a spin out to Ardboe this morning to watch the locals return from mass. Parishioners were flapping about all over the road and jumping in and out of streams. Ardboe ones would be slippery enough by nature but this is something else.”
The physical changes have come at a cost though as the predominantly fish-eating locals have begun eyeing each other up and licking their lips at one another whilst making threatening pot-stirring gestures.
Pope Warns Garth Brooks ‘No More Concerts In Ireland’
NO MORE CONCERTS!
Following the news that Garth Brooks has sold out for a fifth night in Ireland this summer, the Vatican have sent a stark warning to Brooks’ PR team that they will take a dim view of any more concerts, which threatens to break the Pope’s record of a 3 million audience in 1979.
Brooks will play to almost half a million fans in July and music experts reckons he could sell out 10 times that if he really wanted to, although today’s statement from Pope Francis has put an end to that idea promptly. A Vatican insider, nicknamed Fr Hurson from Edendork Co Tyrone, told us:
“Yes, we take great pride in the 3 million Pope John Paul II pulled in in 1979. If Brooks thinks he can ride in on his stetson and top that then he’s deluded. Just in case he is a Catholic, we will excommunicate him if he has any more concerts. We have friends in high places, Brooks.”
Fr Hurson continued:
“Like, he’s being a bit of a dick about this. JPII pulled in 300’000 in Galway alone. Let’s see Brooks do that on a cold windy day in Tuam. Some chance. That day, tomorrow or not, will never come. Pope Francis is ripping about this.”
Meanwhile, Derrytresk GAA are confident they can secure the presence of Brooks for the opening of their third Guinness pump in the bar during his stay in the country. Club secretary Hughie Hanna is cocksure of his services:
“We emailed him last week and asked would he come to the Hill for the unveiling of the third Guinness pump in the clubrooms. He hasn’t replied but as my ma used to say ‘no news is good news’ so we’re fairly sure he’ll do it. He’ll get sandwiches and mineral and maybe he’ll hum us a tune or two.”
Two Tyrone Marriages In Jeopardy After Brooks Ticket Calamities
Gareth Gates (not Brooks)
A Fintona couple’s marriage was said tonight to be beyond repair after a misunderstanding saw Bromwyn McQuaid receive two tickets for a Gareth Gates concert in a pub in Dublin instead of the Garth Brooks concert in Croke Park the same night.
Pat McQuaid, who queued for two days in the village for his wife’s 40th birthday present, made the monumental error despite listening to Brooks non-stop for 48 hours on the Main Street and looking at articles on the famed country and western singer:
“He had one thing to do. One buckin thing, and he cocks it up. I’d been boasting and winding up my friends about my Pat queuing for two days, all for my birthday. And he lands home with that boy’s gig. Whilst we’re listening to his version of Unchained Melody in an empty pub in inner-city Dublin, half the country will be dancing away to Standing Outside The Fire. Some 40th. He’s not allowed in til this is sorted.”
Garth Crooks (not Brooks)
Worse still, a Derrytresk man has been permanently thrown out of the house after landing home with two tickets for a Question and Answer session with Garth Crooks, the TV football pundit and ex-Spurs player, in London. Jack Wallace maintains his wife would still enjoy herself if she would broaden her horizons:
“Come on, it was an easy mistake. Brooks hasn’t been playing for years and you sort of forget what he looks like. They don’t look too dissimilar. The wife likes the GAA and this is sort of related as well so if only she’d give it a go and make the best of the blunder. Unlikely though, going by the ‘Jack Wallace Is Some Bollocks’ graffiti she paint-sprayed on my motor.”
Meanwhile, Hugo Duncan has turned down the chance to do the warm-up act every night for Brooks, citing that ‘it should be the other way about’.
Derrytresk Woman To Get MBE For Swinging A Handbag
Hill Man Knighted?
The small townland of Derrytresk was described as ‘feeling a bit awkward’ this morning after the English Queen’s New Year’s Honours List included ‘Derryresk Woman’ in the MBE section. This is the first such award in the area although some have always suspected a couple of older men who regularly drink in the club may have been secretly knighted years ago.
The unnamed bag wielder received her award for ‘highlighting the multiple uses of fashion accessories‘ and for being a ‘modern day Joan of Arc‘.
Buckingham officials explained their decision:
“When it was put to the Queen last year about giving ‘The Derrytresk Woman’ an award she refused point blank on the grounds that she had already given two major awards to businessmen from that area in the past and they’d kept it quiet. Gladly though, she has softened a bit this year and has decided to bestow an MBE upon the woman who flung her bag on top of Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan.”
Locals have admitted to feeling a bit confused about the whole affair. Digger man Malachy McCann admitted:
“Normally we would tell the woman Windsor where to shove her gong. But this feels different. The abuse we took from people regarding the whole Dromid incident is still raw. With this award, we need to work out whether it’ll shut people up or worsen the whole thing. We’ll have an emergency meeting after Mass on Sunday.”
Queen Elizabeth has agreed to post out the MBE to the anonymous woman using recorded delivery.
The identity of the two knighted Derrytresk businessmen has also set tongues wagging. One suspect is Prionsias O’Neill who was often spotted at the bar smiling lovingly at a one pound coin in his hand, for about a year.
Drummurrer Man Comes Back From Dungannon Fluent In Six Languages
McNeill fitting his 600th stove
A Drummurrer handyman has returned home after a year working in Dungannon able to ask ‘do you need a stove fitted?’ in half a dozen languages much to the amazement of his family and friends. Terrence McNeill, who got a bus to Dungannon after being told about it by his uncle who went there in 1992, claims to have fitted over 600 stoves in 300 days and rewired almost 200 houses whilst immersing himself in the local culture.
“Jays it’s a deadly place, boys. I met Jamaican women dancing in Woolworths, Lithuanian men playing didgeridoos and Portuguese ladies taking the heads off each other outside the Fort. And they’re all mad looking stoves fitted. I learned Russian, Swahili, Spanish, Latvian, Bulgarian and English just by listening whilst fitting stoves or rewiring.”
McNeill reckons it’s a cultural and financial experience no one should miss out on.
“People talk about recession this and economy that. Well, Dungannon is having none of it. This place must be a bit like Saudi Arabia or Australia. Everyone is loaded. I’ll be telling all the young ones of Drummurrer, Clonoe, Derrytresk and even Coalisland to get on that bus. It might seem like a world away but look at me now. I’m a multi-lingual genius and people keep asking me to say things in different tongues at parties and social gatherings.”
McNeill admits that re-adjusting to life in Drummurrer has been difficult:
“Aye, the slagging takes a bit of getting used to. If you slagged the Russian women they’d wreck you so I cut it out completely in Dungannon. Back here, they’ve been calling me things like ‘Einstein Features’, ‘Bollocksy Bill’ and ‘marble mouthed hoor’ just because I’m deadly at the languages. Also, it’s like learning another language in Drummurrer. Mad way of talking.”
Terence has also had to combat the ferocious reaction by his wife after he brought home a Jamaican woman ‘for a bit of craic’ instead of towels and rock.
UN Peacekeeping Forces Rejoice At Derrytresk Relegation
UN forces ‘on the tear’
Hervé Ladsous, the United Nations Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations, admitted today that his committee ‘went on the rip’ in Brussels after it emerged Derrytresk had fallen to the Junior division after a one-point defeat to Newtownstewart on Saturday in Greencastle. Fears that a derby match next year between The Hill and Derrylaughan would stretch their resources to the limit were so heightened that an International Committee secretly met in a mid-European location on Saturday and watched the events unfold live by Russian satellite.
Ladsous, the 63-year old French General, said:
“It was looking hairy at one stage. When the Hill went seven up in the second half, we were just about to press the button that would mobilise 100’000 troops immediately for a 6-month intensive training session. We feared the worst. That German woman was calling Newtownstewart all the names of the day. The Japanese suggested nuking Greencastle before the final whistle but thankfully Mayse got his arse into gear, much to the delight of the Koreans who are big fans of St Eugene’s.”
Ladsous admitted it was a bitter-sweet result for him:
“To be fair, I’ve a soft spot for The Hill ever since they turned over Dromid Pearses in that infamous handbag game. The media attention that ensued took the spotlight off a major cock-up we made in the Middle-East. So I had a bit of a lump in my throat as the Chinese and Canadians danced the night away drinking Black Russians.”
Ladsous added that they’re still on amber-alert with the impending Derrytresk-Brocagh game but hoped they would sort themselves out with a traditional slappin session down at Castlebay the day after.
Carrickmore Husband Warned Over Last Year’s Christmas Present Fiasco
Irish bear?
Despite a recent thawing in their relationship, Carrickmore mechanic Johnny McCann has been told to not repeat last year’s Christmas morning disaster after he bought his charity shop worker wife a £60 donation to a bear sanctuary in Kinsale Co Cork. Despite bears being extinct in Ireland for 3000 years, McCann believed it was a worthwhile cause in case a bear did come out of hiding and needed a warm spot to rest and feel safe:
“Yes, she went through me for a short cut. Because she’d started working in a charity shop, I thought she’d be all over this bear sanctuary idea. Didn’t turn out that way. She went clean berserk and then hit the sherry at midday. It was some handlin. Christmas Day massacre and we’re only talking now.”
Mary McCann, who also donates to Greenpeace and the RSPCA, hopes the message was loud and clear:
“The bear sanctuary was only the latest in a line of stupid Christmas gifts. The previous year he donated money to the Donemana Stamp-Lickers Society. I turned a blind eye to that as I do support the drive to bring back stamp-licking, but a bear sanctuary, in Ireland? I want diamonds, chocolates and overnight stays in fancy hotels. If I’m donating again this Christmas he’ll have the sprouts shoved somewhere awkward.”
Meanwhile, women of Derrytresk are bracing themselves for the New Year after amazon.com confirmed they’d made over 300 deliveries of suspenders and stockings to men in the area. A spokeswoman for the Derrytresk Female Society warned Royal Mail that there’ll be a lot of returns going out on December 27th.
Remarkable Series Of Protests In Coalisland Between Psychic and Church
Coalisland hit the international news circuit this week when the cast and crew of Fr Ted found themselves caught up in a series of protests and counter protests in the town. The shenanigans revolves around the appearance of a well known psychic at the local theatre, Madame Rizzle, who has almost sold out a whistle-stop 4-day tour of the area.
Local worrier, Seamus McBonzo from Brackaville, explained the concern from one section of the community:
“It’s a load of balls, like. These people make stuff up and rip off the vulnerable who want to time travel after watching Dr Who or something. Sure I contacted the Madame herself and asked her to tell me who’d win the play-off between Newtownstewart and Derrytresk this weekend. She said Derrytresk would win by five goals to three. Con artist. I’m happy to announce that Fr Dougal Maguire from Fr Ted as well as some other real priests will be protesting on the night. Down with this sort of thing.”
Fans of the psychic world have also planned a counter protest at the same time outside the local church. Self-proclaimed medium Henry McCann from Annagher says he’ll be there with his placards too:
“Preying on the vulnerable? Explain to me the difference between our Madame and Fr Nolan telling the poor of the town to throw their last pennies into a basket, and then him buying a baste of a house, three Lithuanian maids, a Merc and a couple of holidays to Tenerife. Some con artists in that organisation. Sure I went to confessions last year and made the whole stuff up. He hadn’t a clue. Down with this sort of thing.”
McCann claims that he has secured the services of Fr Jack from the Channel 4 show to protest using the authentic banners from Fr Ted.
The Vatican confirmed they will be monitoring the situation closely using PSNI CCTV and will use reinforcements from Maynooth if there’s a ‘slappin session’ between the protests. Madame Rizzle predicts a peaceful evening.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
20’000 Viewers Tune In For New Tyrone Farmers’ TV Channel. Racy After Midnight.
Derrytresk Digger Drivers
Religious leaders across Tyrone were up in arms tonight after a change in the schedule saw programmes like Clonoe Farmers’ Wives come on the new Tyrone Farmers’ TV channel on Sky 899. The much anticipated new TV station saw 20’000 tune in at one stage to watch a special programme on the origins of the Massey 135 followed by ‘How To Bale, Turn and Row a Field In Less Than An Hour’. However, after midnight the airwaves turned blue with three hours of raunchy programmes including ‘Blades on Balers’ and ‘Boilersuit Babes’, sparking furious calls to TV regulators from clergy and other religious ministers who were still up watching channels that far down the schedule.
The Very Reverend Johnny Rogan told OFCOM:
“I’m still shaking. When I turn on the telly at night, I do not expect to see a woman from Brackaville lying all over a Davy Brown wearing nothing but oul holey jeans and and their GAA top, winking at the camera saying things like ‘do yez like me motor lads’ and going over oul talk like that. If I wanted to hear that I’d watch them other channels just after it on the remote control sure, only in an English accent.”
Overall though, producers of the new channel have hailed it a success with other popular programmes like ‘Ewe Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Top Of The Crops’ pulling in over 10’000 viewers. Chief Executive, Jo-Jo McIlhinney, was delighted despite the midnight criticism:
“All-in-all it was a great debut. Our Jeremy Kyle style chat-show ‘Get Off My Land’ saw over 600 calls from farmers looking to appear on next week’s show to discuss our topics such as ‘access to a rampart’ and ‘how to keep the kitchen from smelling like dung’. I sympathise with Reverend Rogan’s plight but farmers get lonely too. Next week we’ll be catering for our women with ‘Derrytresk Digger Drivers, Bare-Chested’. And best of all, it’s free – after you pay the £90 subscription”.
The Very Reverend Rogan admitted he’d watched ‘Titillating Trillick Tractor Teasers’ as he’s deadly fond of the American Cockshutt Hartparr models.
Tomorrow’s schedule:
8am-10am – Cutting Hay The Augher Way – Scythe Special
10am-12am – The Great Kildress ‘Quare Feed of Spuds’ Bake-Off
12pm-2pm – Spread Or No Spread
2pm-4pm – The Weakest Linkbox
4pm-6pm – Come Milk With Me
6pm-8pm – Emerdale
8pm-10pm – You’ve Been Farmed
10pm-12am – Emerdale
12am-2am – Moortown Maids In Manure
2am-4am – Galbally Guys On Grass
4am-8am Emerdale
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Derrytresk Man Refuses To Come Home From Fleadh
McGarrell tries his hand at bigger whistle
A Derrytresk musician is refusing to return home from this year’s All Ireland Fleadh in Derry, claiming it is deadly craic and far better than stooling turf or dunging out the yard back on the loughshore. Despite the Fleadh having officially ended over a week ago, Jim McGarrell (44) – a tin whistling fanatic – has remained on the pavement sitting on a stool playing songs such as ‘Roddy McCorley’ and ‘Eamonn an Chnoic’ to puzzled locals. McGarrell’s long suffering wife Cathy told us:
“To be honest I’m getting a wee bit annoyed now. He has been up there for two weeks now and sure everyone is away back to work. I know exactly why he’s still there – free drink. But sure people now just think he’s begging and are throwing him coppers. The free drink is only given to musicians during the damn thing. Not after it’s over.”
McGarrell took up the whistle three weeks ago after seeing a boy on TG4 playing ‘Boolavogue’ and had the tune learned off in 24 hours, labelling himself some kind of mature musical maestro. Cathy disagreed:
“Jaysus you should hear him. It’s like buck cats fighting. The three weeins here usually end up bawling.”
Jim has revealed his intention to stay on another while, or until the money runs out:
“People say I should be at home with the family but sure I’m having a deadly time here. The locals can’t get enough. They’re even firing coppers at me now, literally. They’re always asking for a rendition of “Go Home Ye Bum” but I don’t know that one so I play “Sally Gardens” to keep them happy and they start firing coins again. Very generous people in Derry.”
Meanwhile, the Derrytresk Traditional Music Group have denied repeatedly texting McGarrell, telling him that he’s a Youtube sensation and ‘doing a great job’ in order to keep him up there.
Derrytresk To Host Its First Orange March
In what has been described as a historic gesture that’ll reverberate across the globe, Derrytresk are to host a 12th of July parade for the brethren up at Tamnamore. The controversial decision has been roundly applauded with a couple of high profile republican and unionist ministers declaring that they’ll think about going if there’s nothing else on.
The march’s chief organiser, Sadie McClure, outlined the schedule:
“The band and its supporters will arrive at about 11. We’ve commissioned a few desks from Kingsisland School and a couple of women say they’ll prepare a pile of mineral, maybe 10 jugs of diluted juice, and we’ll have the mineral sitting on the desks at the electric pole outside the pitch. I’m making cheese sandwiches and the barman says he’ll throw up a couple of packets of Bacon Fries.”
The route itself is slightly less straight forward according to McClure:
“It’s a wee bit tricky. They’ll be marching mostly across barren ramparts the whole way to Drumurrer, negotiating a few hateful ditches that have claimed small dogs in the past. We’ve asked Johnny Hagan to tie up his buck goat for that one day. It roams the moss along with Tomney’s bull. It can’t be tied so we’d be hoping the lambeg drummer will give it a few skites if it runs for them. It should be ok.”
The PSNI have revealed they will not be patrolling the march as there’s nowhere to stand and no jeeps can access the route anyway.
Tamnamore have said they’ll return the favour next Easter Sunday with the Derrytresk Ceile Band allowed to parade around their roundabout about 20 times hassle free.
Tyrone Tribulations 
