Blog Archives
Several Men Hospitalised After Holding In Bellies
Tyrone County, Craigavon and Erne hospitals have all reported a spike in male admissions since the new year with over 90% suffering from strained stomach muscles. 313 men were treated this morning within a few hours of going back to work, having over-indulged over the Christmas period.
Doctor Peter McGrath, an expert in pulled muscles, explained the phenomenon:
“It’s the same this time every year. Men head back to work almost a stone heavier than before Christmas and try to hold their bellies in for long periods of time, especially when standing up, walking or talking to women. After about two hours the stomach muscles go into spasm and you end up writhing on the floor with the real belly wobbling uncontrollably.”
Dr McGrath maintains £3m is spent treating ‘pulling in belly syndrome’ in January alone. He also highlighted other side effects from the trend:
“A lot of men try to squeeze into the same trousers or shirts instead of buying a bigger size for the month of January. Again, after an hour or two the clothes capitulate and buttons fly off like bullets. I treated 12 civil servants yesterday for bruises and facial injuries from buttons hurled across offices. Someone’s gonna lose an eye, for the love of God.”
McGrath has advised men who are too vain to buy a bigger size to only hold their bellies in for five minutes maximum at any one time, or to wear suck-in pants that can be pulled up to their chests.
One Mid-Ulster Mail journalist had to be air-rescued from his vehicle after getting stuck between the steering wheel and his seat in Pomeroy on his way to a story brewing in Carrickmore.
Richard Haass Also Fails To Resolve Ardboe Christmas Tree Dispute
Coleman and McGuigan
Former US diplomat Richard Haass has admitted defeat for the second time in a couple of days after his efforts to resolve the Ardboe Christmas Tree dispute ended in several parties tearing the heads off each other.
The argument revolved around who will turn off the lights on Ardboe’s first ever Christmas tree. Mickey Coleman, Brian McGuigan, Barry Devlin, Adrian McGuckin, Chris Lawn, Tom McGurk, Malachi Cush, Ronan McSherry, Dennis Taylor, Kevin McAleer, Mickey Harte, Pope Francis and Billy Ray Cyrus were all named as interested parties, each putting forward viable reasons for pulling the plug out.
Haass, who admitted Ardboe was a ‘wild place’ on a par with Kosovo and Sierra Leone, was able to narrow it down to four celebs after intense negotiations:
“We managed to rule out McGuckin and Lawn as we suspected they were there to sabotage the event, being enemies in some shape or form. The cost for the Pope was astronomical. Apart from the flights, the pot holes would wreck the popemobile. No insurance around here. Harte, McAleer, McSherry, Taylor, Cush and McGurk were ruled out next during the eel-skinning demonstration.”
With Coleman, McGuigan, Devlin and Billy Ray Cyrus left, tensions were beginning to reach boiling point with accusations of bribes and counter arguments over ancestry muddying the waters.
“I thought dealing with Robinson and McGuinness was tough. These guys are stubborn. It ended up in a bare-knuckle contest between all four.”
Haass left the scene an hour into the free-for-all, admitting defeat and vowing never to return to the island again.
Over-Consumption Of Turkey In Brocagh Sees Locals Display Turkey-Like Behaviour
Despite warnings from health officials and the clergy, the over-consumption of turkey in Brocagh has resulted in worrying side effects that many are calling irreversible.
In recent years, it was noticed that the average Brocagh adult consumed two full 12 lb turkeys over the space of four days around Christmas, more than double that of anyone anywhere on the planet. This year it appears that the average per person in the area was 2.5 turkeys, resulting in some unusual behaviour today.
Local shopkeeper Billy Dorman explained:
“Yes, there’s a definite side effect this year. The local lads seem to have developed a reddy skin thing drooping from their chin. I think the official name is the wattle. Ugly looking think. And when they see a good looking girl come in, it flares and goes all red, and their hair seems to fan and stand on end. Some sight when they’re just in looking for bread.”
Greenvale niteclub owner Kieran Hendron confirmed that Brocagh ones are unmistakeable on the dancefloor this Christmas:
“Aye, they strut. From the moment they arrive it’s like a pile of John Travoltas in the one place. With every step they cock their head forward and make a ‘gobble’ sort of noise. And with that wattle thing hanging from their bake…..”
Government health officials admitted that although the physical similarities are funny, a negative side-effect is the aggression. Two Derrylaughan men was set upon by a ‘rafter’ of skateboarding Brocagh lads down at the Washingbay when they eyed up one of their sisters. PSNI spokeswoman said the Brocagh gang emitted a high-pitched shrill indicating they were becoming aggressive which developed into intense sparring where the Broconians leap at them with the large, sharp talons, and tried to peck and grasp the head of the bewildered sons of Kevin Barry.
Chicken will only be sold in Brocagh tomorrow.
Moygashel Woman Desperately Looking For Ways To Avoid Annual Family Christmas Argument
Christmas Day in Moygashel
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Moygashel woman is preparing for the biggest challenge of her life as she frantically looks for increasingly inventive ways to avoid family arguments breaking out on Christmas Day.
“I offered everyone round on Christmas Day in about August and then forgot all about it”, bemoaned 34-year old Rachel McNally from Moygashel. “Jaysus, what was I thinking? It’ll be like managing the G8. My da’s not talking to my brother Frankie since he sold that field that never belonged to him, my other brother Paul lost the family car on a game of 25’s which his wife Paula’s still not forgiven him for, and my mum’s not talking to my da since he went and hired that 19 year old Latvian girl to help dung out the shed. One word from anybody and it’ll be like a feckin dynamite. I’ll be lucky to get through the day alive”.
McNally has previously resorted to a variety of methods to ensure arguments don’t spoil the day.
“The last few years I’ve opted for themed Christmas Days which have worked quite well. 2012 was the ‘Monastic-Themed Christmas’ when everyone had to dress as a monk and took a vow of silence for the day. It went surprisingly okay, other than the v-signs that Frankie kept making to his ex. And the rabbit punch he got from my da on the side of his head when he was half-way through his turkey. Still, he never made a sound. Fair play to him”.
McNally continued,
“2011 was fine as well, which was ‘Games-Themed Christmas Day”. We had a 3-hour game of charades and a 2-hour game of Pictionary, and then for the Queen’s Speech we came together and shouted abuse at the TV”.
Rachel’s plan for 2013 is an ‘Alcohol-Themed Christmas’.
“To be honest I’ve run out of ideas, so I’m going to get everyone as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible”, said McNally. “I’ve already loaded up the cake with nearly a pint of sherry, and we’re going to have tequila shots all the way through dinner. If I can get everyone completely hammered then the sooner everyone passes out, the better. Not sure how Granny Gormley’ll cope. She’s 96 and took the pledge 70 years ago. Still, it’s worth a go”, she said hopefully.
In 2010 McNally opted for a disco-themed Christmas Day with flashing lights and a smoke machine, which ended abruptly after she forgot that her sister was an epileptic and brother-in-law Dennis was a chronic asthma sufferer.
Rattle Of Thunder Leaves East Tyrone Panic Stricken
Woman panicking in Edendork
A 2-second blast of thunder left most of East Tyrone on high alert throughout the night with police reporting 1340 calls from worried homeowners. PSNI officials also admitted they spent a couple of hours driving about looking for the noise before the Met Office in Belfast informed them that the sound was actually thunder.
The blast, which occurred around 10pm last night, was described as something close to the sound of a nuclear bomb according to Dungannon pub-owner Jamesey Sloan:
“I’ve never heard anything like it. There were boys running all over the town screaming and shouting about the war being back on and about heading to the bunkers. Women were crying and wailing, saying rosaries in the middle of the street. It was like a film.”
Meanwhile in Ardboe, thousands of residents got into their boats and rowed for Antrim on the other side of the Lough. Patsy Coney remarked:
“Ghost oh boys it was tara. We thought maybe the Sperrins were falling down or something so we all sailed East. A couple of boys swam it. The clergy were handing out Last Rites all over the joint.”
PSNI spokesman Herr Steinburger admitted there were a few red faces in the force:
“Yes, we got caught up in the whole excitement. We had 400 officers out in jeeps looking for the noise. When you add in the 200 or so vigilantes also out searching for the noise there was chaos on the roads. We thought it came from a poitin barn in Stewartstown but he said he’d made all his Christmas batches months ago.”
BBC Weather confirmed it was just one short blast of thunder and warned locals not to go clean mad again tomorrow when hailstones are predicted.
J K Rowling To Buy Whole Of Tyrone As Christmas Present For Robbie Coltrane
New landload, Coltrane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The world-renowned author J K Rowling is close to purchasing the whole of County Tyrone as a Christmas present to Scottish actor Robbie Coltrane, as a thank you for playing the part of Hagrid the giant, in the Harry Potter series.
The author, estimated to be worth a staggering £10 billion, decided to splash out once she had made the choice between snapping up the County, the new Peter Andre album, or a signed picture of Malachi Cush.
“I’ve always loved Tyrone”, said the author, “I was going to keep it for myself and use it as a sort of garden feature, but I know Robbie will be thrilled to have it instead. But he lives in London, so I’m going to have my people fly it over so it sits somewhere just outside Surrey. I’m sure Tyrone people won’t mind. It is a little island off the east coast of Scotland, isn’t it?”
The purchase, believed to run into a four-figure sum, came as welcome news to cash-strapped Tyrone council management.
“This is mighty”, said local Councillor Enda McMann. “We’re up to our arses in debt and this is a class way of helping out the County. Jaysus, we were nearly having to auction off the Council’s Philomena memorabilia collection. Imagine that? As it is, we’ve had to sell the Council’s fleet of chauffeur-driven Lamborghinis. Yep, it’s that bad. We might have to sell a couple of the yachts next”.
The news was greeted warmly by many residents. Benny Sloan from Caledon said,
“I’ve always been a big Harry Potter fan. Them fillums where he says, ‘Are you feelin’ lucky punk’ and then shoots up the place is pure class. I love Clint Eastwood. If Robbie gets Tyrone, maybe Clint’ll get Armagh”.
However, not everyone was happy. 57-year old Oonagh Trainor from Eglish said,
“This spells disaster. Literally. What if them Dementor boys turn up, eh? Do you know what they are? I’ll tell yiz. They’re among the foulest creatures to walk this earth, that’s what they are. They feed off human happiness and create depression and despair to anyone near them. How would we tell them apart from some of the ones from Stewartstown?”
The purchase of the County is to remain a secret from Coltrane until Christmas Day, during which time Rowling plans to either wrap it in 1,300 square miles of Christmas paper, or alternatively cover it with a gigantic cloak of invisibility.
Augher Man Grows Beard In Effort To Avoid Pub Debt. Fails.
McConnell – but which one?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Augher has failed in his bid to avoid paying a £40 debt he owes to a local hostelry by growing a beard and pretending to be his own non-existent twin brother.
Alphy McConnell, an unemployed grass grower from Augher, had worked up a debt of £42.60 at the McGee’s Bar on the Crossowen Road, Tavern comprising 14 pints of Guinness and 9 packets of barbeque-flavoured NikNaks.
Kevin McGee, owner of the bar said,
“That bollox needs to wise up. He came in here with a bad beard and limp, pretending to be this twin brother of his from Clogher, talking with this squeaky accent and looking all shifty. To be fair, a lot of them Clogher ones are like that, so I wasn’t sure at first”.
Keenan continued,
“He refuses to admit it, but it’s only a matter of time. Alphy could never remember his own name after a few pints, so he’ll struggle trying to remember someone else’s who doesn’t even exist”.
Challenged on his identity, McConnell continued to deny who he was.
“No, it’s definitely not me, I’m my brother Sean. Alphy’s away to Americay to work. Aye. He might not be back. He’s a good boy though. Mighty craic. I wouldn’t pull that sort of stunt, but there’s this boy off the TV news who reads the news right? Everyone thought he was a right clift, so he grew a beard so that people wouldn’t think it’s him. Not that that’s where I got the idea. Or I should say Sean. No, Alphy. Hold on, what did I say my name was?”
McConnell’s mother, 58-year old Oonagh, said,
“That boy’s as thick as mince. He’s even tried that rubbish on with me, just because he scoffed two whole packets of Kimberley Mikados at the weekend and he knew I’d go off the bap. He waltzed in pretending to be his twin bother and expecting his own ma to fall for it. Jaysus, I knew it was 30 years ago but I’d certainly remember if I had pushed more than one version of that eejit out my clacker in Dungannon Hospital”.
McConnell was eventually caught writing out his Christmas cards when he kept having to ask how to spell ‘Sean’.
Killyman Octogenarian Wins Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013. Bookies Stumped.
A happy McVeigh
84 year old Terence McVeigh has surprisingly lifted the Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013 title after impressing judges with his handling of livestock, machinery and general working attire during an observation at his farm on the Moy Road last week. McVeigh, who was previously a finalist in 1963, beat off stiff competition from six other finalists, including the former Miss Levi Jeans of Kildress 1988, Masie McGinn.
Judges delivered their verdict at a packed field in Clogher, after a final parade of contestants around the yard, to a stunned silence. Apart from Kildress’s McGinn, Augher blonde bombshell 23-year old Jenny McKenna was also a bookie’s favourite having just taken up farming last Summer in order to win this competition.
Paddy Power spokesperson Deirdre McAlinden told us:
“It’s a great result for us but there’s something fishy about this. McVeigh has a permanent stoop, just the one eye and hasn’t washed his farming since the mid-70s. Jenny McKenna was 6-1 on and just last year won the Augher Rear of the Year. It makes no sense at all, though we’re sucking diesel financially.”
When asked to explain their scoring, a rather evasive Tom Mulholland remarked:
“It was an easy decision. Ask any woman – the way to a Tyrone girl’s heart is how a man dungs out the yard. McVeigh may have taken three hours to do it, but he was meticulous. He was covered head to toe in manure and sweat but sure isn’t that one of the best sights any man, woman or beast wants. McKenna may have the painted nails, designer jeans and high heeled wellies but she was trying to shear a bull when we arrived down. And let’s be honest, Miss Levy Jeans of Kildress 1988 has let herself go a bit.”
McVeigh said he was going to celebrate his success with a ‘slap of buttermilk and potatoes’. He also stressed that supplying ‘a baste of a turkey’ to the Mulholland household every Christmas was coincidental.
He wins a year’s supply of wellington boots.
Tyrone’s First Apple Store To Open In Loughmacrory In Time For Christmas
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local businessman has confirmed he intends this week to open an Apple Store in the heart of County Tyrone.
Failed entrepreneur and part-time day dreamer Wilbert Feenan confirmed yesterday that following some highly successful pre-publicity, the store will open in Loughnacrory in December in time for an anticipated Christmas rush.
“I couldn’t believe it”, said Feenan excitedly. “I did all my market research and it turns out there’s hardly any Apple Stores at all. There’s one in Belfast and about twenty in England and that’s it. Everyone I speak to says they’re making millions. You even have to make an appointment in some of them. It’s a huge gap in the market. Them boys in Tescos and Asdas sell apples but they don’t specialise, see? I’m going to sell nothing but apples”.
Feenan says he intends to stock a wide range of products, including Cox’s Pippins, Honeycrisp, Golden Delicious, and Granny Smith.
“The response has been astonishing”, said a delighted Feenan. “I’ve already had enquiries from all over Tyrone and beyond. I had this one boy on the phone wanting advice about an Apple Mac. As it happens I love McIntosh apples, so I told him to keep it in the fridge to prolong its lifespan”.
Feenan explained he has also received enquiries from callers wanting to know how to get rid of bugs, and said he had instructed them to spray their product with cat urine.
“I love a juicy Pink Lady as much as the next person, but even I’ve been overwhelmed at the level of interest. I even had this one boy saying he watches apple TV all the time. Can you imagine? People are mad for the apples. I had folks call to say they’re willing to spend way over £100 but want help choosing the right apple. Quare stuff. Maybe people want to make fresh apple sauce for Christmas. If this proves a success I’m going to open an Orange Shop. There doesn’t seem to be many of them either”.
Feenan’s previous business ventures have proved unsuccessful, including Mid-way Dinner Mints, pants for wasps, and the pizza magnet.
Carrickmore Husband Warned Over Last Year’s Christmas Present Fiasco
Irish bear?
Despite a recent thawing in their relationship, Carrickmore mechanic Johnny McCann has been told to not repeat last year’s Christmas morning disaster after he bought his charity shop worker wife a £60 donation to a bear sanctuary in Kinsale Co Cork. Despite bears being extinct in Ireland for 3000 years, McCann believed it was a worthwhile cause in case a bear did come out of hiding and needed a warm spot to rest and feel safe:
“Yes, she went through me for a short cut. Because she’d started working in a charity shop, I thought she’d be all over this bear sanctuary idea. Didn’t turn out that way. She went clean berserk and then hit the sherry at midday. It was some handlin. Christmas Day massacre and we’re only talking now.”
Mary McCann, who also donates to Greenpeace and the RSPCA, hopes the message was loud and clear:
“The bear sanctuary was only the latest in a line of stupid Christmas gifts. The previous year he donated money to the Donemana Stamp-Lickers Society. I turned a blind eye to that as I do support the drive to bring back stamp-licking, but a bear sanctuary, in Ireland? I want diamonds, chocolates and overnight stays in fancy hotels. If I’m donating again this Christmas he’ll have the sprouts shoved somewhere awkward.”
Meanwhile, women of Derrytresk are bracing themselves for the New Year after amazon.com confirmed they’d made over 300 deliveries of suspenders and stockings to men in the area. A spokeswoman for the Derrytresk Female Society warned Royal Mail that there’ll be a lot of returns going out on December 27th.
Brocagh Turkeys Rebel Against Christmas
Rumours of a fowl rebellion in Brocagh was confirmed this morning after police admitted a potential full scale turkey revolt was probably beyond their level of expertise. After initial skepticism, Chief Inspector Gary O’Neill said this was not simply a case of Brocagh ones ‘imagining things again’, having experienced the riotous behaviour of a sizable gang of Ballybay turkeys at first hand:
“Yes, it is true – these boyos are out of control. When we got word in the station of reported animal upheavel in Brocagh we all rolled our eyes as the Brocagh ones have a habit of going a bit mad with animal and bird conspiracies. Don’t forget in 1989 they filed a complaint against the way Rod Hull was treating Emu. But this time they have a case. These turkeys are bucking mental.”
Inspector O’Neill confirmed espisodes of turkeys ‘going to the toilet’ on precious items such as Brocagh GAA bags, pecking and nipping at clergy and pretending to be swans when the butcher man came around.
“That shows a high level of intelligence. These turkeys know Christmas is approaching at that it’s time they met their maker. We’ve already received complaints of turkeys making the ‘slit throat’ sign to farmers, intimating that they’re going to turn the tables on the farmers this year.”
Brocagh Farmer Johnny Davidson admitted he hasn’t slept a wink in four weeks:
“I’m going out of my mind with fear. My wife says she saw a turkey winking at her through the bedroom window a few days ago in the middle of the night. What next eh? Drive by shootings or kidnappings? If the Derrylaughan turkeys get wind of this I fear for all munchies down here. This could be worse than the lignite threat in the 80s.”
Police have identified Terry the Turkey as a ringleader, describing him as ‘two-legged and feathered with a big ugly neck’.
Celebrities Fight To Turn On First Ardboe Christmas Lights
Clooney for Ardboe?
Following the news that Ardboe is to have its first outside Christmas tree, a series of unseemly public brawls have littered American televisions with top celebrities vying for the honour of turning them on. George Clooney, Clint Eastwood, Madonna and Kiera Knightly are all said to be offering their services for free with Adam Sandler promising to do a celebrity eel-gutting extravaganza thrown in if he gets the nod.
Ardboe Christmas Lights chief organiser, Pa Forbes, admitted he wasn’t all that overwhelmed by the interest:
“To be fair, I sorta knew there’d be a deadly rush for the job as soon as it appeared in the Tyrone Times. Liam Neeson was on the mobile by that afternoon, joking ‘I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where you live, but when I find you, I will light them’. I didn’t like his tone so I put the phone down.”
Tom Cruise was another caller but Forbes again turned him down as they’d need a digger to lift him to the light switch.
“Yes, it would look cat with the digger and all. Jennifer Aniston was a favourite of mine but she was was being all prima-donna about it and asked for a big warm coat and a free drink at the Battery. No chance says I.”
Forbes has since created an online poll as to who the locals think should turn them on. Presently it sits as follows:
- Rod Stewart 11%
- Victoria Beckham 3%
- Brad Pitt 16%
- Messi 10%
- Lynette Fay 39%
- Malachi Cush 21%
Of the above, only Fay and Cush have yet to express an interest.
Forbes added that this is a time for cool heads. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been asked to quit the slagging and mudslinging after Jolie accused Pitt of calling Ardboe ‘Arboe’, telling CNN “Ghost-oh, he’s some clift.”
Dungannon Council Propose A Rescheduling Of Christmas
In what has been described as a ‘brave and completely nonsensical’ proposal, Dungannon Council have tabled a bid to the central County Authority to postpone Christmas this year until next February or so. The bold idea was drawn up this morning in an alleyway in Scotch Street with all six members of the powerful council agreeing to put back the holiday in a straight swap for Valentine’s Day, blaming the mild weather for the change.
Seamus McAliskey, a 30 year old steam train driver from the lowlands, reckons there’s a dark secret they’re not telling us:
“Listen, I was in Germany last week driving a train and all these Germans were asking me if it was true that Dungannon spent all its money on dud sparklers and bangers from Nutt’s Corner. Apparently that’s all the talk on the continent. I reckon the buggers have no money for lights and stuff til the new budget comes through in January.”
Dungannon Lord Mayor Hilary McGettican refutes the allegations:
“Whilst I acknowledge the mistake we made with the Algerian sparklers, we still have money left. We are proposing having Christmas on the 25th of February for many reasons. I am now going to talk in bullet points…”
- There’s no money in the country at this time for builders, gardeners and farmers
- There’s usually far more snow in February
- We can raid shops in other counties for half price stock-clearance Christmas stuff in the week after Christmas
- It’s far too close to Boxing Day and the New Year
- We won’t have to listen to Slade or Mariah Carey on the radio”
Under the new conditions, if passed, Valentine’s Day will be sandwiched between Christmas Eve and St Stephen’s Day.
The central council will debate the proposal on Tuesday straight after they deal with the 10th Tattyreagh bid for city status.
In other news, Coalisland’s Olly Kerr has reminded people his threat from last year still stands – Click here . He has added to his hit list anyone who posts “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” on their facebook status.
Halloween ‘Destroyed’ As School Takes Health & Safety To Extremes
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Angry parents have complained to Dungannon Local Authority after a local primary school announced its plans for a ‘very safe Halloween’, which they say changes the annual October tradition virtually beyond all recognition.
Headmaster of Moy-based Clonless Primary School Aodhan Nugent said,
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Ducking for apples is a dangerous activity. Children shoving their faces into water? I’m surprised no one’s been hurt. No. This stops now. They can bob in the basin, but there’ll be no water in it. Or apples for that matter. They might break their teeth on one. We’re going to use Flumps instead. ‘Flump-Bobbing’ ”.
Nugent continued enthusiastically,
“That’s not all. Trick or treating has had its day. Tricking people sets a terrible example to the children. We’ll still do it like, but instead of ‘Trick or Treat’, we’re going to call it ‘Treat or Another Treat’. We can’t risk weeans getting upset, can we?”
Parents vented their frustration at the reckless breaking of tradition.
“This Trick or Treat business has gone too far”, protested Seamus Devlin, a paper stapler from Brocagh. “When we were 8 years old we used to get a jib crane and hoist cows onto people’s roofs for feck’s sake, or take their gates off and throw them in the graveyard. It was hilarious. Everyone loved it. No-one got hurt. Well, maybe a couple of the cows. Turns out greenhouse roofs aren’t that strong”.
Nugent also decided that pumpkins will be replaced with balloons, and whilst children will not be allowed to draw scary faces on them, they may be allowed to draw what has been described as ‘slightly apprehensive’ faces. Nugent has said that they may even be allowed to blow some of the balloons up.
Scary stories have also been banned, in case it scares any of the children.
“The only scary story round here is that that eejit Nugent’s also going to be in charge of Christmas at the school”, said Devlin. “God only knows what he’ll do with that. Probably ban Christmas cake as a choking hazard, the bollix”.
Nugent confirmed earlier today that parents and pupils can still bring fireworks to the school’s evening Halloween celebrations, provided none of them get set off at any point.
Coalisland Christmas Investment To Be All Spent On Deadly Tree
Works has started already
Coalisland will be the envy of the world this year after a secret Christmas committee finally decided to spend the recent windfall on a deadly tree.
The news that £15’000 would be spent on decorating Coalisland this Christmas had set tongues wagging for weeks as to what it will be spent on. In order to tap into the excitement, Coalisland council ran a competition asking residents to put their ideas into a suggestion box outside Sullivan’s on the Main Street. The closing date showed that 400 suggestions had been made with the top five listed below:
- A new mural but with Santa in a balaclava
- Flashing balls all over the place
- A big line of tinsel on the electric wires running from Edendork to Clonoe
- A deadly tree
- Spend the money on bacon soap for everyone
Coalisland independent councillor Pat Campbell was impressed at the wide range of ideas:
“There were some brilliant bits of thinking in Coalisland. Unfortunately we just had to turn down most to appease some groups like the NASA, RSPCA or the UN. One I liked was to decorate all animals like cows and dogs with glittery bells, balls, stars and all that stuff. We decided to pump the whole £15’000 into a deadly tree to be placed inside the Cornmill with a hole cut in the roof for it to stick out. It’ll be about 300 foot tall and we’ll get it from Brazil.”
Our investigations showed that £12’000 will be spent on transport from South America, £2000 on decorations, £500 for John Stokes for the loan of his truck and £500 on cocktail sausages for the opening.
The next big question is who will turn on the lights with local bookies offering mouth-watering options:
- Dennis Taylor 2/1f
- Harry Potter 7/2
- Harry McClure 4/1
- Obama 5/1
- Michael Jackson 6/1
- Malachi Cush 6/1
- One of the Spice Girls 8/1
- Ronan McSherry 33/1
- The Clonoe captain 50/1
- A PSNI official 100/1
- A traffic warden 1000/1
- Joe Brolly 10’000-1
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Panic Buying in Eglish As Christmas Selection Boxes Go On Sale
Eglish, yesterday
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Local PSNI were swiftly despatched to Costcutter’s in Eglish yesterday morning before a near-riot developed in Main Street, after nearly 3,000 people turned up to start their Christmas shopping early.
A rumour, started on Twitter, that Costcutter’s was selling Cadbury Christmas selection boxes for £1.99, rapidly went viral as the news spread like wildfire throughout the county.
One policeman, Patrick Quinn, who attended the disturbance, panted:
“I’ve not seen anything like it in Eglish since Plunkett Donaghy was rumoured to be swimming bare-torsoed in the Blackwater in 1986. I nearly had to make a couple of arrests. Grown adults acting like eejits trying to get themselves noticed by shop staff for the sake of a buckin’ selection box, shouting and screaming. I couldn’t be doing with it. It really hurt my throat. I managed to get one of the ones with the ‘Make Your Own Santa Mask’ on the back. Class”.
Anne Callaghan, a 49 year old coal miner from Mountfield, told us:
“You can’t be too careful. It’s only 110 shopping days until Christmas. I still remember the Teletubbies fiasco a year ago. I ordered Tinky Winky for my little lad and it never arrived in time. He’s now 26 and still hasn’t forgiven me. I’m not going through that again”.
A spokesperson for the Omagh-based lobbying group ‘No Christmas Until Christmas’ which is continuing to gather support under its website, http://www.its-not-even-december-yet-for-fecks-sake.com, said,
“It’s this sort of behaviour that puts the ‘Jesus Christ’ into Christmas, and I don’t mean in a good way. Summer’s barely over and people are mad for Christmas already. And these shops aren’t helping. I don’t want to be walking round Asda with my shorts on, listening to buckin’ Jingle Bells. This is all Joe Brolly’s fault. Probably”.
Costcutter’s have release a statement telling people not to panic, and that there will be ample selection boxes available for sale over the next three months.
“Aye, right”, said a despondent John Joe Slane, a 60 year old egg-boiler from Aughabrack. “Try telling that to my three nephews. All they’ve got to look forward to is two packets of Fishermen’s Friends and some Lockets. That’s all they had left by the time I got there. It’s dung. Maybe they’ll all have really bad colds by Christmas”, he added hopefully.
Minor skirmishes were also reported in a Centra shop in Cabragh, following rumours that it had started selling Easter eggs.
Kildress Father Gets Cufflinks Again For Father’s Day. Hits The Drink.
A Kildress father of 10 has been drinking since 8am this morning after being given another set of cufflinks for Father’s Day by his children. Patsy McClean, a 47 year old oil baron, immediately cracked open a bottle of Pinot Grigio and is reportedly on his third bottle at midday. Before incoherence set in, he told us:
“That’s fourteen sets of buckin cufflinks I own now. FOURTEEN! And do you know what the best of it is, I don’t even own a shirt with sleeves on it. Everyone knows that Kildress men wear short sleeves all year around, apart from that lad who dared to wear a long-sleeved effort in 1988 at the missions. He was burned out of it. Cufflinks for feck sake. What’s wrong with a spanner or sandals? Can these children not buckin think for one day in the year?”
McClean’s wife is denying any knowledge of the purchase but admits she thought they were nice ones with a picture of Padre Pio on one of them and Louis Walsh on the other:
“Ach, Patsy gets easily upset about these things. Like, last Christmas I got him another packet of Portrush Rock as I remember he told me years ago that he liked the look of them. OK, that’s the tenth year running I’ve got him the rock but this year he flipped out and went on a rampage around Kildress kicking hedges and stuff. He’s a wee bit sensitive in his middle age”.
Neighbour Gary Hurson, sporting a flashing pair of shamrock cufflinks, reckons it’s going to cut up rough before the day’s out:
“He’s fairly wolfing down that wine stuff. I can hear him singing The Men Behind The Wire already. It’s only a matter of time before he’s bare-chested, fighting the eldest sons out in the garden. This is gonna be some craic”.
Tyrone Lord Mayor Dermot Donnelly has set up a helpline to council fathers who have been forgotten about by lazy children.
Loughmacrory Youngsters Don’t Believe In ‘The Man’ Anymore
What the man might look like, if he existed
It emerged this morning that the last child still believing in ‘The Man’ in Loughmacrory has given up the ghost on the fictional disciplinarian, leaving parents to think of new ways to keep tabs on their children.
Seamus Campbell, a five year old terror from the Ballybrack Road, told his mother this morning to ‘bring it on, big girl’ after she threatened him with ‘The Man’ if he didn’t get his uniform on quickly.
A visibly shaken Mary Campbell confirmed the worst:
“We were aware that our Seamus was the last child in The Lough to still believe in The Man. This is a sad day for the area. The Man was a brilliant psychological tactic to employ over the years. The restaurant here was a peace haven as children sat timidly in case ‘The Man’ would come and shout at them. Bedtime wasn’t a bother as ‘The Man’ would find out and be cross. It was deadly easy raring young uns. I myself lived in fear of The Man anywhere I went, especially at Mass. If I spoke at all, I was told that ‘The Man’ would drag me out by the hair and kick me around the field. Did me no harm.”
It appears that the lack of belief in ‘The Man’ arrived in Loughmacrory around the time that Peter Barry, aged six at the time, was told that ‘The Man’ would give him a clip around the ear if he didn’t stop throwing white bonbons at the Santa during the Christmas Show in the clubrooms. When the rebellious Barry refused to stop and the fictional ‘Man’ never appeared, other youngsters began to cop on to the fact that possibly The Man didn’t exist at all. They all began pelting Santa with Wine Gums.
“Myself and the husband will have to think of something new now. Loughmacrory has gone to the dogs with children running amok at night breaking things and shouting. They’ve no fear now at all. I’ve threatened them with ‘Daddy’ but my four year old just laughed and fired a tuna sandwich at his head. The country’s couped.”
The Loughmacrory Parents’ Association are thinking of hiring some shadowy foreign actor, preferably unshaven with a big scar on his face, to walk around the roads with a scowl on his face, pretending to be The Man. 98% of children in Tattyreagh still believe in ‘The Man’.
Loughmacrory Pensioner Buys Thigh-Length Boots For Wife. Christmas Ruined.
These boots never saw Loughmacrory air
A well-meaning Loughmacrory pensioner, Johnny McGee (72), has finally patched up marital differences after a misjudged Christmas gift left the McGee household a frosty abode for the guts of two weeks around the festive period. McGee, a retired bus driver, thought he would surprise his heavy-set wife Kitty (71) with a pair of thigh-length leather boots after he received a torrent of abuse last year for buying her a pound of mince and a hairbrush.
“You just can win with her. OK, I understand the hurt and pain I caused last year with the mince and comb thing. I thought it was practical but apparently a woman wants something that makes her feel good. Well, I was browsing through some shops in Omagh and thought they were quare warm-looking boots. At her age she needs to retain as much warmth as possible in the winter months. I thought the stud design was a bit classy. Apparently not. It was a quiet Christmas dinner I can tell you. She just slapped a few spuds on my plate and sat in the corner drinking gin til December 28th.”
Kitty, who has been battling a cake addiction since the age of 19, saw the situation differently:
“He is a dirty oul bastard. Keep me warm, my arse. Ever since he got the Internet he has been making all kinds of suggestions. In the summer he bought me a thin polo-neck and short plaided skirt. I don’t know what he’s looking at on that computer but we’re in our 70s for Jaysus sake. Leather-studded knee-length boots? I’m 16 stone. It’d be some sight trotting out to the Centra in those. I’d be the talk of Loughmacrory. The £200 refund came in handy. I bought a good commode and chewing tobacco.”
An Omagh Ann Summers staff member did admit she thought it was a bit odd to see Johnny in that shop at that age and really unusual for a punter to ask her to try them on first, which she did.
Tyrone Tribulations 