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Anarchy In Tyrone As Post-Brooks Stress Hotline Set Up. Bonfires and Screaming On The Rise.
Carrickmore man, earlier
Government officials have urged all affected Tyronians to stay calm and think of their favourite place after news emerged that all Garth Brooks concerts have been cancelled.
Police have already had to contend with an outbreak of unpleasantness with reports of bonfires being set alight all over the county, with fans burning excess cowboy hats and boots as well as old CDs of Brooks’ greatest hits. They have urged anyone looking to wreck anything to phone their special Post-Brooks Stress hotline, a condition quickly diagnosed by a doctor in Coalisland.
Brooks fanatic Marie Herron admitted she was at her wit’s end:
“I just can stop running around and screaming. What the hell are we going to do now this summer? That’s not just the summer ruined, it’s the whole year and possibly the decade. I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow.”
Screaming and running about seems to be the first sign of Post-Brooks Stress Disorder, before it turns violent and victims begin to wreck and burn things. In Kildress, it has been reported that nearly everything not tied down has been set alight including cattle and trailers. UTV cameramen have confirmed they have footage of three men in Carrickmore crying valleys of tears at the news, before punching each other.
One, a talented electrician, told them:
“I’m not bothered about Brooks. It’s the side effects. I’ll have to tramp around Dublin Zoo or something now with herself that weekend.”
Local politicians have called an emergency meeting of all elected councillors to decide on their next move, with talk of a march to Dublin high on the agenda. They have also set up a fund-raising committee to help pay for those out of pocket because of the £1 handling fee on Ticketmaster.
Meanwhile Mickey Harte has called on his players to ‘Do It For Garth’ this Sunday against Armagh. County officials have also urged supporters to bring their cowboy hats and shoes to the game and pretend it’s the concert they were supposed to be going to as it might be their only day out this year.
Barack Obama Wades In On Debate Over Dungannon Square Parking
Dungannon Square, last week
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Following his comments over Scottish independence last week, the President of the United States made some astonishing remarks regarding the recent re-configuration of the parking and road layout in Dungannon Square.
Speaking on NBC television, Barack Obama fumed,
“There is a democratic process in place in Tyrone and what they do to Dungannon Square is up to the people who live there. But from the outside, anyone can see that a two-way system going up to the library flanked by only 27 parking spaces is sheer lunacy. What’s going on? Is Barry McElduff still a counsellor?”
He went on,
“And how is The Beast supposed to get parked outside The Fort in Scotch Street for a quick pint of the black stuff after the match when there’s nowhere to park? And by The Beast I mean my big car, not Michelle”, he added hurriedly. “She’s great at parking”.
The President went on to explain his interest not just in the future sovereignty of Scotland but also the potential late afternoon traffic congestion in a small provincial town in Northern Ireland.
“Folks don’t realise I have family background in Tyrone”, he explained. “The popular myth is that I’m from Moneygall which is why I went there in 2011, but actually I have some Tyrone blood too. I just pretended to come from Moneygall because the FBI were too scared to take me to Greencastle. To use a local expression, they said that turning up there could be a ‘right handling’, the likes of which they had never seen before. And don’t forget some of these guys were in Vietnam”.
Obama explained how his cover was nearly blown last time he visited Dungannon in cognito.
“I was wearing my usual disguise as a Kildress man and popped into the library to take some books back. Well of course, thinking it through there’s not many Kildress men who are into reading about Egytian poetry, so the librarian new that something was up. Well, it was either that or the 26 security men that were sitting in the children’s section pretending to read The Gruffalo”.
President has privately vowed to support ‘regime change’ in Dungannon and failing that might just ‘nuke the hell out of it’.
World Cup Widows Prepare For Month Of Shouting Matches
Typical World Cup scene across the county
Women across the county are ramping up their shouting techniques as men get ready for a month of doing nothing around the house.
The 2014 World Cup, which kicks off on Thursday, will see all matches played after 5pm, meaning very few man-jobs will be completed around houses after work. Cathy Traynor, an events manager from Cappagh, is confident she is fully prepared for the month ahead:
“Yes, a few of us met up last night to put the finishing touches on our roaring sessions. I learnt a few new phrases like ‘get up off yer feckin arse ye lazy oul balax’ that’ll come in handy around the second week and all the light bulbs need changing.”
Leaflets have been distributed amongst women in Galbally, instructing them on leaving out bins and kicking car tyres to see if they’re OK. Recently elected Independent councillor for Kildress, Leo McHudd, is worried about the local livestock:
“I’m slightly concerned that animals will be left to roam the lands for four weeks. That encourages inter-species breeding and that’s the last thing we need after the half-sheep half-pig fiasco of four years ago. We didn’t know whether to eat or shear the thing.”
Patsy Mackle from Blackwatertown admitted he’s fairly excited at the month ahead:
“I buckin hate soccer but I’ll be glued to the TV. I means I don’t have to lift down boxes from the attic or plumb the kitchen pipes. I do start to smell a bit after a few days but sure I’ll just stick the head out when it’s lashing down.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone have adopted Iran as their team of choice as they also live beside dodgy enough neighbours.
Tyrone’s Taxi Men Supplementing Wage With Part-Time Stripping
Coalisland taxi man
An undercover investigation by a Welsh journalist has revealed that up to 80% of taxi drivers in the county are doubling up as personal strippers for parties of women who crave a bit of live entertainment.
The report discovered that a lack of disposable income has resulted in the majority of young people staying indoors at the weekend, depriving taxi drivers of a much-needed income whilst also leaving the adrenaline-fuelled 18-40 year olds without excitement in their lives from Friday til Sunday.
A Greencastle taxi man, Garrett Devlin, revealed to the journalist:
“Aye, it’s really kicking off now. People don’t have the money these days to be travelling to places like Omagh and Kildress, so they’re sitting in the house getting full and listening to Garth Brooks or The Saw Doctors. Then we started getting calls to pick up at houses but when we arrived, there’d be wemen pleading for us to go in and strip off for double the fare. It’s a no-brainer. I now bring my fireman and farmer uniforms. I’ve never been more flush with cash.”
The taxi-stripper phenomenon quickly spread across the county with a particular spike in the Brocagh area. Lifelong taxi-man Seamie Dornan added:
“It has got to the stage now that we’ll only hire taxi men who are fairly slim and can flex a few muscles. They also must supply their own uniforms with Superman, sewage-worker and a boiler servicer the most popular striptease routines amongst women this direction. Although, we’re an equal-opportunities employer and we do employ fatter taxi men as there still a demand for big men around Ardboe and Ballinderry.”
Meanwhile, Jobseekers’ Allowance officials are to clamp down on these double jobbers by means of dummy runs. A dole-office worker accidentally caught out a taxi-stripper in Dungannon last week after ordering a taxi only for the driver to turn up in a cowboy outfit. His defence of getting ‘carried away after watching For A Few Dollars More the night previous’ was thrown out of court.
Election Latest: Mid-Ulster Counting Temporarily Halted Over Adding Problems
I’m not adding that
Counting in the Mid-Ulster elections was halted after no one in the arena was good enough to ‘do big sums’.
Rumours of a problem with the adding began to emerge after a batch of 300 solar powered calculators were delivered to Magherafelt’s Meadowbank arena at around midday, with some counters complaining that getting over two digits was ‘deadly confusing’ with numbers between 249 and 899 particularly mind-boggling.
Chief supervisor, Packie Price explained:
“Yes, it’s a symptom of the digital age. People are used to their electronic equipment doing all the hard work. I saw a man complaining after his batch of votes saw someone reach 11 as he was using his fingers to count. The solar powered calculators helped for a while but sure when the dark clouds came they weren’t worth a frig because we only use 40 watt bulbs in here.”
Disaster was finally averted when an 83-year old ex-maths teacher was found in Moortown who still does long division and works out his multiplication with a pencil. Henry Coyle, who has never seen a calculator in his life never mind used one, is currently adding up the Clogher Valley tally much to the cheers and claps of everyone in the building:
“It’s like a football match here. Oul Henry just added up Sinn Fein man Sean McGuigan’s votes there and everyone cheered, even the DUP. People just want out of here. Henry is starting to flag a bit and keeps going to the toilet or dozing off. We have 25 HB pencils so utensils will not be an issue.”
Meanwhile, Independent Kildress councillor Lilly Friel failed to meet the quota. Her vision of ‘a new Kildress, free of illegal fuel and home-made poitin’ failed to pull in votes, polling just 1 follower who may or may not have been herself. Kildress man Kevin Friel, who voted for someone else and also happens to be Lilly’s husband, added “We’re just not ready for that stuff”.
PSNI Unearth Devious Tyrone Plans To Sabotage Down Seniors This Weekend
The old side had no need for dirty tricks
A swoop on a house in Kildress has unveiled detailed plans to create maximum mayhem on the Down GAA senior football team this weekend ahead of their championship opener in Omagh.
The plot, codenamed ‘Mourne Mayhem’, included the hiring of the Dungannon Silver Band to play outside an hotel on Saturday night in Omagh where James McCartan and his Down team will be staying ahead of the big game. Other subplots included asking some of the best looking women in the county, and men, to seduce certain key members of the Down squad, leaving them physically useless by the time of the throw in.
Triangle player in the Dungannon Brass Band, Declan Murtagh, admitted his conscience got the better of him and drove straight to the PSNI office this morning:
“I was finding it hard to sleep at night. About a week ago we were asked by a man in a Kildress accent to play about twenty tunes outside Silverbirch Hotel at midnight before the game. He said he’d make it worthwhile for us and would throw in boxes of Brasso for us to polish out instruments and stuff. As tempting as that was – every man loves a shiny triangle – I felt bad as my wife’s from Kilkeel. Anyway, I touted.”
PSNI detectives revealed a series of back-up plans were also concocted including getting youngsters to run up and kick important Down players on the ankle in the hotel lobby the morning of the game. Chief Superintendent Sammy Prenter admitted the idea to gather up the best looking people in the county and position them at various parts of the hotel was a clear sign of a great but devious mind:
“This group had drawn up a list of 10 people who they all thought were great-looking and were going to approach them tomorrow to lure Down players back to their hotel rooms on Saturday night and then keep them active til the early hours. It might have worked too. There’s a woman from Urney on the list who’s a real stunner as well as a man from Drumquin who would melt any man’s heart. We got there just in time.”
The Tyrone GAA management team have denied any knowledge of the plot but added that it was great to see no stone unturned.
Kildress Politician Criticised For Foul-Mouthed Election Poster
Conway
Kildress Independent Movement’s Paddy Conway has been ordered to re-think his campaign slogan after parents complained of children copying the language used on his local election posters.
The motto in question – “Vote Conway. Sure The Rest Of Them Are Slippery Fcukers Anyway” – has been displayed on telephone poles and lamp posts since last Tuesday as Conway stands for the first time for his new Kildress Independence Movement which seeks to see Kildress stand alone as a separate county in Ulster in two years.
Local primary school teacher Grace McMinn maintains young children are mimicking the unfortunately choice of words:
“Yes, just yesterday I was teaching the children about World War II and at the end I asked the class what they knew about Adolf Hitler. A young lad from up the road put his hand up and said he was a ‘slippery fcuker’. Then I was out supervising the children at lunch time and I heard hundreds of ‘slippery fcukers’ being yelled out, even girls playing hop scotch. Conway must take these posters down now.”
Paddy Conway (48) who pledges to free Kildress by 2016 from the Tyrone jurisdiction, is adamant the posters will remain:
“Listen I tell it how it is. I’ll even go into these schools and repeat my message. Everyone knows they are a shower of slippery fcukers. Believe me, I could have said worse. Up Kildress.”
Conway went on to spell out his vision for the area:
“By 2016 we’ll be County Kildress with our own currency which might or might not be bramble bushes or blackberries. We’ll have zero tolerance for asylum seekers from Galbally or Greencastle and our army will be renowned for one of the most brutal in Europe, kicking the dung out of anyone littering or parking erratically. Up Kildress.”
Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff has denied he has responded by changing his slogan to ‘Vote For Me, Or Else…..”
Tyrone Priests Urged To Put On Variety Acts During Sunday Masses
Priests raring to go
Following the worldwide acclaim for the singing priest at a wedding in County Meath, priests across Tyrone have been told to up their game and capitalize on the feel-good factor directed towards the Catholic Church since the video went viral.
Reports emerging this morning suggests parishioners are to expect fireworks in some parts of the county with rumours of juggling, tightrope balancing and dog-tricks rife, especially around the Loughmacrory area.
A Kildress grave-digger and church groundsman has promised a spectacular show for the parish, having witnessed midnight practice sessions whilst digging graves for possible future bereavements. Paddy McNally (55) added:
“It’s going to be some craic and fair play to the clergy in Kildress. I don’t want to say too much and spoil the occasion but the four priest in the area are going to put on a memorable show. One is dressed as a Native American Indian, one as a policeman, one as a builder and the last is a cowboy. They’re singing something about the Young Men’s Christian Association although luckily they have shortened it to YMCA and do these mad arm movements. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
In Moortown, Fr Graham has been reportedly spotted balancing on a unicycle in his spare time whilst juggling chalices and candles. This has hurled pressure on the Ardboe clergy to rethink their idea of simply reading Mass in a funny voice.
“Yes, as soon as we heard about Graham on the unicycle, we went back to the drawing board. I’m not at liberty to say how we’ll outperform the Moortown ones but let’s just say it involves face paint, blue pipe, a bull and ten bottles of stout. It’ll be deadly, I guarantee that much. All in the name of our Lord.”
The Vatican are monitoring proceedings closely.
Undercover Reporter Reveals Secret GAA Refereeing Ring
Referees laughing their heads off
A high-profile undercover investigator has shattered an underground refereeing ring in Strabane where up to 30 Tyrone referees meet up weekly and laugh at some of the decisions they made and are going to make the following weekend. Joe Wheeler, the Welsh freelance TV reporter, pretended to show an interest in refereeing this coming season by getting himself into some shape and buying a shiny new whistle.
After an initial vetting service, Wheeler was asked along to the first meeting which was held in an underground bunker on the Urney Road.
“To be honest, the vetting process wasn’t too taxing. They just asked me to blow the whistle three times and point in various directions. That was it. I was in.”
Wheeler was told he’d probably referee a few U16 games in Ardboe to harden him up before embarking on Division Three of the Tyrone All County League.
“They reckoned a few underage games between Ardboe and Moortown would make a man of me. But it was what went on during the meeting that shocked me. All 30 refs took turns in telling yarns about the worst decisions they made last weekend and everyone was bent over laughing. The drink was flying but it was some craic to be fair. One ref said he deliberately turned a blind eye to a player getting the head battered off him because he remembered the lad’s father refused him access to a rampart years ago. They did some guffawing at that one.”
The Welsh reporter was even more astounded when matters turned to this weekend’s matches:
“Remarkably, as well as being given their fixtures to referee this weekend, they were also given a scoreline to work towards. There was a rollover jackpot with all men putting a fiver into the pot which now stood at £490. Anyone who got their score correctly won the dough. A bonus pot of £100 was also given every week to the ref who made the worst decision. This time a ref from Killyman won for sending off a Killeeshil player for wearing ankle socks.”
Wheeler reported that they all agreed to give the following teams ‘a bad touch’ this year: Owen Roes, The Rock, The Moy, Killyclogher, Dregish, Derrytresk, Carrickmore and Kildress.
The Tyrone Referees’ Association were unavailable for comment.
Galbally Men Still Wearing T-Shirts Despite The Wild Weather
Kildress softy in 1986
Gales of up to 90mph, horizontal sleet and frosty conditions have been sweeping the county like never before, but appears to have had no impact on the choice of dress-wear in Galbally according to local fashion gurus, unlike Kildress.
Galbally parish priest Fr Donnelly has called on the men to hold firm despite the inclement weather:
“We Galballions have the reputation for being the hardest men in Ireland. Our young lads have a proud tradition to uphold and it brought a tear to my eye yesterday to see three young lads sitting on the bridge wall wearing shorts and a vest, despite the hurricane-fuelled hailstorm pounding down on top of them. They’re doing their ancestors proud.”
Youtube videos of Galballions going about their daily business wearing short tshirts and flip flops whilst the heavens lashed down on them have already reached four million viewers from countries as far as Sudan and Fiji. Fr Donnelly added:
“See, them Kildress ones think they’re hard but I’ve seen lads from there wearing gloves. Gloves! What next, a hat? They’ll be the laughing stock down at Tally’s.”
Despite the threat of sub-sero temperatures in the coming days, Fr Donnelly issued a veiled threat to any lad who thinks of going down the glove route:
“Religious excommunication and expulsion from the area is my recommendation for any fellow seen wearing long sleeves or even acknowledging the cold by rubbing hands and saying ‘brrrr’.”
Meanwhile, Kildress officials have explained that the wearing of gloves by two 14-yr olds was a one-off and that both boys have been severely reprimanded.
Killyman Octogenarian Wins Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013. Bookies Stumped.
A happy McVeigh
84 year old Terence McVeigh has surprisingly lifted the Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013 title after impressing judges with his handling of livestock, machinery and general working attire during an observation at his farm on the Moy Road last week. McVeigh, who was previously a finalist in 1963, beat off stiff competition from six other finalists, including the former Miss Levi Jeans of Kildress 1988, Masie McGinn.
Judges delivered their verdict at a packed field in Clogher, after a final parade of contestants around the yard, to a stunned silence. Apart from Kildress’s McGinn, Augher blonde bombshell 23-year old Jenny McKenna was also a bookie’s favourite having just taken up farming last Summer in order to win this competition.
Paddy Power spokesperson Deirdre McAlinden told us:
“It’s a great result for us but there’s something fishy about this. McVeigh has a permanent stoop, just the one eye and hasn’t washed his farming since the mid-70s. Jenny McKenna was 6-1 on and just last year won the Augher Rear of the Year. It makes no sense at all, though we’re sucking diesel financially.”
When asked to explain their scoring, a rather evasive Tom Mulholland remarked:
“It was an easy decision. Ask any woman – the way to a Tyrone girl’s heart is how a man dungs out the yard. McVeigh may have taken three hours to do it, but he was meticulous. He was covered head to toe in manure and sweat but sure isn’t that one of the best sights any man, woman or beast wants. McKenna may have the painted nails, designer jeans and high heeled wellies but she was trying to shear a bull when we arrived down. And let’s be honest, Miss Levy Jeans of Kildress 1988 has let herself go a bit.”
McVeigh said he was going to celebrate his success with a ‘slap of buttermilk and potatoes’. He also stressed that supplying ‘a baste of a turkey’ to the Mulholland household every Christmas was coincidental.
He wins a year’s supply of wellington boots.
Dr Who Might Film Future Episodes In Benburb And Greencastle
To coincide with the present furore over the Dr Who 50th anniversary, BBC producers have revealed they are considering basing a couple of episodes during the next series in the heart of Tyrone. The time travelling alien humanoid is set to roam the ramparts of Benburb searching for intelligent life before ending up raking about Greencastle in the future to prevent Daleks from Kildress kidnapping the Sperrin Ladies Football team.
Mixed reaction to the news has dampened the initial excitement after this morning’s announcement. Benburb historian Paddy Jordan admitted he wasn’t sure if this was a good thing at all:
“The last thing Benburb needs is another doctor with dubious qualifications. There was an American boy here a few years ago and called himself a doctor. We built him a surgery and all and sure he never cured one person. No matter what ailment you had, he’d rub a docken leaf over it. Even for tonsillitis, dizziness or piles. Turns out he was no more a doctor than Paisley was.”
Greencastle Dr Who fanatic Diarmuid Elvin has welcomed the news but told the new doctor to heed his warning:
“This can only be a good thing for Kildress. We’ll probably not be around when the Kildress Daleks come for our Ladies team in 3o11 so if the good doctor can put a spanner in their works we’ll take him in. But he needs to realise that the Kildress Daleks will probably be like nothing he has met before. Them boys’ll be savage, probably biting and giving deadly slagging out to him. He’ll need to be thick-skinned.”
‘The Search For Intelligent Life In Benburb’ begins filming in the Spring. The BBC have respectfully asked residents not to be annoying the Doctor with the worn-out ‘Knock Knock….Who’s There?… Dr….Dr Who….How did you know?….’ joke routine.
PSNI Reveal Top Tyrone Excuses
PSNI tightening up
The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.
The statement listed the top 5 excuses:
- (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
- (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
- (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
- (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
- (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)
PSNI spokesman Constable Turntable added:
“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”
Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:
“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”
Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.
New Tyrone Social Media Site ‘Slabber’ Fails To Reach Target Membership
Despite confident predictions that his social media rival to Twitter would reach four million members in the first week, Eskra computer guru Francey Taggart admitted the uptake of ‘Slabber’ was not as successful as he had imagined.
A week after its launch at a dinner dance in Kelly’s Inn, only three people had permanently signed up to the new service and were “slabbering” regularly – Taggart himself, his cousin in Kildress and a man from Plumbridge. Slabber is a simple social network where people share thoughts with a limit of two words set on all posts. It seems that these restrictions may have been slightly off-putting for potential users.
Kitty Horridge, a fiddle fixer from Fintona, tried the new platform for three hours:
“It’ll never take off. I know we’re known for not saying much around these parts but this is taking the biscuit. I wanted to tell people that I was having a bad day. All I could slabber was – ‘Annoyed. Me.’ Someone slabbered back – ‘Hope. Well.’ I said ‘OK. Soon’. She said ‘what. meet?’ I said ‘No. No’. She slabbered ‘Hateful. Bitch.’ It was all just too confusing. We’ve now fallen out over a slabbering misunderstanding because of this buckin yoke.”
Taggart maintains it’s early days and still predicts he’ll be a multi-millionare by Christmas.
“People are quick to judge in these parts. OK, there have been some teething problems like the fella who evacuated the whole of Omagh when he slabbered ‘Omagh. Smoking.’ The PSNI were too trigger-happy and cordoned off all roads. All the lad was saying was he was having a cigarette around the back of Sally’s. Give it time. The lad from Plumbridge is some craic. He slabbered a joke yesterday ‘Chicken. Glue.’ Jaysus I laughed for hours…hen crossed the road because he was glued to the back of a chicken I was thinking. That’s the beauty of Slabber. It can be what you want.”
So far only one celebrity has momentarily signed up. Hugo Duncan slabbered “Diddily. Uncle’.
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Kildress Man ‘Walking On Air’ After Using Washing Machine
Traynor’s house, mid-cycle
It was drinks all around this evening in the Kildress Inn after father-of-three Noel Traynor completed a full load of washing in their Hotpoint Free-Standing HY6FY155 Washing Machine. Traynor, who was left stranded for his good shirt and jeans whilst his wife enjoyed a three-day spa break in Downings, was said to be euphoric with his accomplishment and may have a ‘charge of drink’ to celebrate.
“It took some concentration. I’d seen Maura work at it before but never in a million years did I ever think I’d have to use it. I saw a box of washing power and had a fair idea it went in some sort of tray but sure when you pulled the tray out how the hell were you to know which one to put the stuff into? So I just bucked a fistful of it into all compartments and then whacked in softener and mixed them about with a spoon. To be honest I was acting on instinct at this stage.”
Things took a turn for the worst when Traynor was faced with ‘a pile of nobs’ before pressing the start button:
“Aye, there where millions of numbers and other nobs saying cotton, linen, wool, whites, delicates and then all these stupid icons like clouds and swirly circles. Just clane mad. So I took all the clothes out and checked to see what they were made for but that was a waste of time. Some had like 80% cotton. How can you just wash 80% of something? I just closed my eyes and turned all the nobs at the same time like Russian Roulette. The sweat was pouring off me.”
Although the volume of washing powder saw the whole room bubble up, Noel was this morning sporting his shining jeans and black shirt. His wife has played down his achievement:
“He’s wearing damp clothes because he didn’t want ‘to overdo it’ by using the tumble dryer. He’s a useless lump. All the children’s uniforms he threw in are shrunken and coloured black. And the utility room is still covered in bubbles. Now he’s down in that pub getting free drink bought for him like he climbed Everest. There’s even talk of a plague being erected outside our house – the first man in Kildress to successfully complete a cycle in the washing machine. Lord above.”
Traynor is in talks about releasing an autobiography.
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
Council to Remove ‘Kill’ From All Tyrone Place Names. ‘Doesn’t Sound Nice’.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
East Tyrone Council last night confirmed that it intends to phase out ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ prefixes or suffixes to all place names in Tyrone over the next 12 months, and replace them with ‘something nicer’.
Over-excited councillor Paddy Donnelly explained the thinking behind the idea.
“Places starting with ‘Kill’ is a hangover from the times when people were cuttin’ the lining out of each other during the times of the pollan fish riots and such like. We’re more civilised now. It’s time to move on”.
Pointing out the fact to Donnelly that ‘kill’ is a derivative of the Irish ‘cil’, meaning ‘church’, was met with scepticism.
“What? Don’t take me for a mug. What’s churches got to do with killing each other, except when it comes to getting out the car park after mass on a Sunday? ‘Kill’ frightens young children and old people, plain and simple. I’ve seen pensioners quaking in their shoes walking into Killyman. And what about people’s human rights? They might get all intimidated and start thinking of killing and death and stuff. We’d get the blame if someone suddenly went mental with a big stick in Kildress and slaughtered pets. Or should I say, ‘Quaredress’.
Under the proposal, all place names that start with ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ are to be replaced with nicer, more tourist-friendly words. From 1st January 2014 ‘Killeeshil’ is changed to ‘Lovely-leeshil’ and ‘Killyclogher’ becomes ‘Prettyclogher’.
“Think it through”, insisted Donnelly. “Tourists will love coming into Kissyman. We’ll be fightin’ off Americans off with a stick. It sounds deadly. So does Drumnacuddly. If them ones in Derry can mess about with all their ‘London Stroke Derry’ stuff, we can do the same. It’s a winner”.
The initiative coincides with a re-vamp of the Tyrone Tourist Board advertising campaign. The previous slogan which has been used since 1987, ‘County Tyrone: For All Your Bog Requirements’ will be replaced in 2014 with the more welcoming, ‘Come To Tyrone. You’ll Never Get Better’.
Tyrone ‘School Of Plastering’ Opens In Kildress To Improve Spreading Standards
A finished job in Cappagh
In order to combat the sharp decline in plastering skills in the county, the Tyrone County Council have opened a School of Plastering in Kildress which will teach youngsters who aspire to be plasterers the basic skills in the trade. The move comes after a series of street protests all over the county complaining about the cowboy spreading jobs being carried out in most new developments.
Peter Carney, a plasterer from Clonoe with 44 years experience, fully supports the new school:
“It has been a long time coming. I stopped taking on apprentices after a series of unbelievable mishaps last year. I took on a team of young lads from Brocagh and Derrylaughan for a big job in the Moy. Never again. I told one of them to scratch a wall for me. I came back an hour later and he was literally scratching a wall with his fingernails the way you’d scratch a cat. The poor fellow’s fingers were dripping with blood. Another boy was using the bible as a straight edge.”
Jack Kelly (61) from Galbally added:
“I took a nephew from Greencastle on last month. He arrived with what he thought were the tools needed. He brought a rubber duck (plastic float), a pet budgie (hawk) and a towel (trowel). And his da’s a spark too. I told him to go out and get a scratching tool and he came with nothing but a worried face and said ‘sure I can scratch ye’. I’d have been better off taking my ma with me and she’s 97 and deaf but a damn decent spread.”
So far 300 have signed up for the Plastering Summer School with the first week’s topic “How To Use A Darby” already in progress. Mary Farrell, a mother to 7 teenage sons, says all her lads will be attending:
“It was either that of the Gaeltacht. There’ll be plenty of time for curtin’ when they’re older so it’s off to the spreading school for them. There’ll be no curtin’ there hopefully.”
A place on the Spreading Degree course costs £300 and runs for 6 weeks.
Kildress Father Gets Cufflinks Again For Father’s Day. Hits The Drink.
A Kildress father of 10 has been drinking since 8am this morning after being given another set of cufflinks for Father’s Day by his children. Patsy McClean, a 47 year old oil baron, immediately cracked open a bottle of Pinot Grigio and is reportedly on his third bottle at midday. Before incoherence set in, he told us:
“That’s fourteen sets of buckin cufflinks I own now. FOURTEEN! And do you know what the best of it is, I don’t even own a shirt with sleeves on it. Everyone knows that Kildress men wear short sleeves all year around, apart from that lad who dared to wear a long-sleeved effort in 1988 at the missions. He was burned out of it. Cufflinks for feck sake. What’s wrong with a spanner or sandals? Can these children not buckin think for one day in the year?”
McClean’s wife is denying any knowledge of the purchase but admits she thought they were nice ones with a picture of Padre Pio on one of them and Louis Walsh on the other:
“Ach, Patsy gets easily upset about these things. Like, last Christmas I got him another packet of Portrush Rock as I remember he told me years ago that he liked the look of them. OK, that’s the tenth year running I’ve got him the rock but this year he flipped out and went on a rampage around Kildress kicking hedges and stuff. He’s a wee bit sensitive in his middle age”.
Neighbour Gary Hurson, sporting a flashing pair of shamrock cufflinks, reckons it’s going to cut up rough before the day’s out:
“He’s fairly wolfing down that wine stuff. I can hear him singing The Men Behind The Wire already. It’s only a matter of time before he’s bare-chested, fighting the eldest sons out in the garden. This is gonna be some craic”.
Tyrone Lord Mayor Dermot Donnelly has set up a helpline to council fathers who have been forgotten about by lazy children.
Tyrone Tribulations 