The Staring Man Wins Greencastle’s Got Talent Again For 9th Year Running
Dermie’s Deadly Stare
To tumultuous applause and four wolf whistles, Greencastle man Dermie Devlins won his home club’s talent contest for the ninth consecutive year with his ‘Deadly Stare’ act which sees him stare at the judges for 4 minutes solid without blinking.
Despite stiff competition from a man from Plumbridge who can spin on his backside using a broom handle for manoeuvring and a woman with a moustache from Glenelly, Devlins took 98% of the vote from the audience in attendance, a new record despite no change in his act since his first victory in 2007.
Chief judge Jilly Kincon explained the result:
“Everyone knew who the class act in the field was. Devlins’ Deadly Stare really is deadly. He just stares like, for 4 minutes and doesn’t blink at all. It’s like a goat or the devil himself. Staring is not something any Tom, Dick or Harry can do. Well Dermie can.”
A small protest outside the clubrooms caused some disruption around midnight when friends and family of the Kildress entry refused to allow cars to leave until the judges were replaced and a new competition held. Their man, Kieran Molloy, who sang ‘Do You Want Yer Oul Lobby Washed Down‘ in Ulster Scots, received no votes.
Traffic was eventually allowed past when organisers agreed to buy a round for all Kildress supporters at the show.
Tom Hanks To Expect No Preferential Treatment If Cast Away 2 Set In Urney
Hanks for Urney?
Following intense social media speculation that Cast Away 2 possibly starring Tom Hanks again is to be set in Urney in West Tyrone, local dignitaries have warned the multi-Oscared actor that he should expect no preferential treatment from local businesses or services for the duration of his stay near the Donegal border.
Twitter and Facebook were awash with rumours that a second instalment of the feature film, which starred Tom Hanks as a successful systems engineer who falls out of a plane and ends up living on an island for four years talking to a ball and growing his beard, is to be set in one of the remotest parts of the planet with no Internet with Urney emerging as an odds-on favourite.
Urney, which means ‘deadly quiet’ in Irish, also came close to landing the location of Mississippi Burning in 1988 but eventually lost out to Mississippi. Lord Mayor of Urney Prionsias Pilatey sent an important signal to the production team of Cast Away 2:
“We’re not star-struck type of people. In fact we’re the opposite. It that bollocks Hanks arrives here in his BMW and starts ordering caviar for breakfast served by a 38-year old virgin then he’s another thing coming. We have neither of those things here anyway.”
After intensive research, the Tyrone Tribulations media team could find no official plans to make another Cast Away and traced the origin of the rumour to the Twitter account of Strabane teenager Terence Wiley (@thestraman) who tweeted ‘no fcukin internet signal in Urney. It’s like Cast Away 2.”
Tom Hanks was unavailable for comment or something to that effect.
Lough Neagh Dolphin-Watchers Tour Firm (WTF) Go Bust
Lough Neagh dolphin?
Despite positive feedback from their exclusive firework-inspired business launch outdoor dinner last year, the Lough Neagh Dolphin-Watchers Tour Firm (LNDWTF or WTF for short) have announced an annual loss of 600% or £800’000, with the company ceasing trade immediately.
WTF also confirmed their office mysteriously went on fire just before the announcement and are waiting the outcome of a ‘big claim’ because of the suspected arson, with the finger firmly pointed at the Shark-Watchers’ Society at Toome.
WTF’s CEO Patrick McCabe admitted the take-up on the whole dolphin experience was rather disappointing:
“Everyone loves dolphins we thought. Well, apparently in East Tyrone they don’t. We never even had one customer since the website booking mechanism went live on 25th May 2014. We thought maybe it was bad Internet connections or something but after canvassing outside chapels in recent Sundays we now realise there’s no appetite for dolphins around here. The eels have it sown up.”
WTF’s European Union grant of £1m does not have to be repaid as a recently publicised loop-hole exempts EU funded businesses from paying the money back if they have been in existence for over 12 months.
McCabe maintains there is no money to pay back anyway:
“The £1m is well gone. We had to install glass bottoms in our boats as well as loads of hi-vis jackets in case we fell in. It’s just a big pity people aren’t into dolphins around here. The Lough Neagh species exhibits a falcate dorsal fin, a prominent beak, strong social bonds and is very acrobatic and capable of great bursts of speed in the water. This species frequently rides the bow wave of our tour boat in Hawaii. They just seem to be more shy here. Maybe they’re afraid of the whales.”
When asked for photographic evidence of the Lough Neagh dolphin, McCabe momentarily showed us a picture of something floating in the lough in the distance, probably the stump of a tree or something.
NEWSFLASH: Carloads Of Tyrone Men Head South For ‘Shopping’ Expeditions
Within 24 hours of the historic Yes vote in the Republic of Ireland’s referendum on same-sex marriage, hundreds of Tyrone reg cars were spotted crossing the border filled with men claiming to be heading south on ‘shopping’ and ‘fishing’ expeditions.
Concepta Mullins, who works on the toll booth on the M1 to Dublin, reckons she took 1.90 Euros from more than 2000 Tyrone vehicles:
“I thought they were playing in bleedin Croker. But there were no flags or nahin. And I didn’t see no fishing rods or shopping bags.”
In a related incident, there were no men left in Ardboe at 5pm today to catch a rampaging bull.
Meanwhile, Armagh Diocese officials have asked their congregation to pray for all YES voters, stating ‘they know not what they do’. Concepta Mullins (see toll booth above) confirmed that the three carloads of priests did seem to be cross.
Bin Laden Had ‘Rake Of Tyrone Books’ In Personal Library Says US Intelligence Officials
Osama bin Laden on a Saturday night
US intelligence officials, who this week released more than 100 documents seized four years ago in the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, revealed he possessed a fascination with Tyrone GAA as well as reading works by Islamist thinkers but also English language books by authors like Noam Chomsky and Bob Woodward.
The news of the secret Red-Hand library stash comes in the wake of over 200 complaints made to PSNI officials by locals regarding the amount of men in suits with American accents walking around Tyrone whilst talking up their sleeves.
The US Photo Agency leaked a picture of his library which showed copies of ‘The History of Dromore GFC’, ‘The GAA in Tyrone’, ‘Ryan McMenamin – Baring My Teeth’, ‘This Secret History of Lough Neagh’ and ‘Malachi Cush – The Sweet Sound of Success’.
Speaking to a limited press gathering, US Marshall Nelson Power added:
“As well as dozens of cuttings from newspapers and magazines, again largely about al-Qaida, supplementing the more academic reading, Bin Laden appeared to have been fixated with Tyrone people and what drives them to success. We’re looking into this ourselves as we were expecting an extensive Derry collection, especially from around Maghera and Dungiven, or even South Armagh.”
Unconfirmed Rumours have emerged since claiming Bin Laden kept a Tyrone jersey from 2003 under his bed which had the WJ Dolan lettering well worn suggesting he has used it a lot, maybe for kick-arounds outside his compound during quiet periods.
A video also shows Bin Laden laughing and roaring at his small TV which appears to be showing Datsun Donaghy’s ‘How I Won The Sam Maguire’.
Moy Man Accused Of Cynically Ironing Wife’s Clothes And Sledging Children During Breakfast
Cynical ironing
A long-suffering Armagh wife as decided to strike while the iron is hot and highlight the ‘typical Tyronisms’ she’d had to put up with since marrying her Moy husband in 1995.
Conor Mackers (45) has been accused of cynically ironing and making dinner whilst indulging in verbals with his children before school every morning. Mrs Mackers also claimed her husband would throw himself to the ground when out walking and then blame her for pushing him.
Caroline Mackers explained:
“There’d be days he’s ironing my blouses and he’s deliberately and cynically burning tassels or sleeves. You’d see him smirking after. Then when he’s asking the children about school during breakfast he’s start sledging them about how crap they are at the writing or sums. He’s a modern Tyrone man to the core and not the man I thought I’d married back in ’95.”
Mrs Mackers revealed how he deliberately tripped himself queueing up for Communion and then blamed it on a man from Maghery who was three down from him.
“It’s getting worse. This morning he was pulling on his own shirt over his head and then started grappling with himself, ripping his own shirt off again and finally flung himself to the floor. If that wasn’t bad enough he began slagging himself. It’s very inconvenient when we’re in a rush.”
Conor Mackers has played down the allegations and asked the public not to be sucked in by the one-sided allegations, adding ‘it takes two to tango’.
Meanwhile the Moy’s ‘Sledging and Slagging Competition’ has received over 400 applications this year with reigning champion Ainsley Coney from Ardboe favourite to retain his title.
Clonoe Parish ‘Testicle Chair’ Gets First Outing
Clonoe Testicle Chair
After recent fears that women were entering the priesthood disguised as men, Clonoe Parish have confirmed that their first usage of the ‘Testicle Chair’ has been successful with the new priest confirmed as a fully-working male and therefore able to complete his duties.
The controversial chair, which has a large key-hole shape cut out in the seat, will now be put away in the Clonoe Parish safe until it is next needed. The identity of the testicle-checker remains a secret although it is rumoured to be a member of the Clonoe Parish Committee.
The priest in question, Fr Johnny Quinn who originally hails from the Duckingstool, admits he’s delighted that he passed the test at the first time of asking:
“After all the talk about women dressing up as men and entering Maynooth I understand why this measure was taken. Even though I know I am a man I was still nervous as the seat was rather cold and I was afraid that maybe everything wasn’t hanging as normal under the robe. Fortunately, the checker was thorough and I can do my duties.”
The Parish minutes for the meeting reveals that ‘at 5:33pm on Monday 18th May Fr Quinn was ratified as a male with the cry of “He’s got testicles. Praise the Lord” from the testicle checker who was dressed in a medieval garment whilst rummaging under the chair. The Testicle Chair will now be washed and stored until further notice.’
The Testicle Chair designer, Tommy Walsh from Derrylaughan, confirmed he received over 200 orders from various agencies since the successful first outing for his new 120-degree contraption. Walsh also revealed he will added a heated-seat option for the more sensitive user.
The parish have also advertised for more testicle checkers after Fr Quinn complained of the current checker of being a bit heavy handed.
Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
Fraudulent Salesman Sold Newmills Woman ‘A Bit Of The Sky’
Sky divided in Brackaville
The PSNI have warned people in East Tyrone to be wary of a man with a strong South Armagh accent going from door-to-door selling bits of the sky above their houses.
The fraudster, who calls himself ‘Francie’, claims to work for ‘The Sky’ and attempts to sell 16-square feet of sky for £322 in a one-off cash payment. Police have worked out that he targets houses with no satellite dishes in the hope that the residents don’t know much about how Sky TV works.
One woman from Newmills, Dervla Adkins (44), admitted she took on the deal despite having grave reservations about how it all worked:
“Francie from The Sky was very convincing. He said the new Tory government were going to privatise any bits of sky not already bought and that they’d be using it for testing missiles and stuff. I certainly didn’t want that over my roof so I bought it and he gave me a certificate explaining the area of the sky I owned. He said my TV reception would be deadly now too because birds and things would not be allowed to fly through a purchased bit of sky.”
Adkins revealed her suspicions to the police after she spotted a whole flock of blackbirds sitting on her chimney the next day in her recently purchased sky bit, without a care in the world.
The PSNI have received 32 calls from house-owners in the greater Coalisland area who also fell for the sky deal. They were also called to a violent argument in Brackaville over who owned what bit of sky for kite flying and for smoke blowing from chimneys into other bits of sky owned by others.
Brackaville Man ‘On Tablets’ After Sitting Between 3 Brocagh Women At Judo Practice For Hour
3 Brocagh women discuss the price of sausages
A previously happy 45-year old electrician from Brackaville has been described as ‘a shell of himself’ after suffering a severe reaction to listening to three Brocagh women whilst waiting for his daughter to come out of Judo practice in Coalisland.
Kevin O’Carland, whose 9-year old daughter only started Judo practice that week, endured an hour of listening to a range of topics from nail varnish to the weather as well as how much weight Eamonn Holmes had lost recently.
Speaking in a darkened room with a towel over his head, O’Carland revealed how he took part in the opening 3 minutes of discussion before eventually losing the will to live with 25 minutes left of the lesson:
“I forced a smile at the start when they started talking about the election and how all politicians were crooked and how it wasn’t worth voting. Small talk I suppose but when I tried to say something about hung parliaments and proportional voting the whole thing went quiet and I felt a bit awkward. Luckily someone mentioned the weather and I was off the hook.”
O’Carland described how the time seemed to stand still for 50 minutes as all three women talked at the same time about how wonderful their children were at everything as well as what they were eating that night as well as the last 15 nights.
“At about 35 minutes I was sweating in case I was asked something as I had zoned out during the Eamonn Holmes Atkins Diet discussion, despite the small confines of the waiting room. I just stared at whoever was talking which was usually all three at once. My head was spinning. All I could do was sing rebel songs inside my head to see me through the ordeal.”
With 5 minutes left of the lesson, O’Carland flipped and randomly began letting out curse words and laughing to himself at nothing whilst the three women discussed how lovely the visiting priest was at Brocagh mass on Sunday.
Doctors do not expect Kevin to make a full recovery.
Fermanagh/South Tyrone Independent Candidate Says ‘F**k Yiz All’ After Receiving 4 Votes
No free cream for Tyrone
A Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent candidate who promised to get rid of all the snakes in the constituency and secure free Sudocrem Antiseptic Healing Cream for everyone over 60 has reacted angrily to the news that he received only four votes – that of himself, his wife and only two of his four voting children.
The constituency, which saw a close fight between Michelle Gildernew and Tom Elliot, was one of the few areas which allowed all candidates to make a speech after the result, and Paddy Kelly took the opportunity to berate everyone in the counties of Fermanagh and Tyrone cursing them for the next 100 years in Latin.
Kelly, from Benburb, began his speech thanking other candidates for a clean campaign before turning on the voters:
“It was a fair fight and congratulations to Mr Elliot. However, I’ve something to tell the people of Fermanagh and South Tyrone. F**k yiz all. Yiz must be happy with the snakes and the itchy arses. I’d have cleaned all that up for yiz but yiz just see Orange and Green. And to the two of my own children who didn’t vote for me….let’s just say there’ll be a change to the Will on Monday morning.”
Mr Kelly closed his eyes, held his hands up the the heavens and exclaimed:
“Es mundus excrementi”
which means “You are all a pile of shite” before cursing the area with bad weather and vicious snakes for the next 100 summers.
Meanwhile Tom Elliot and Michelle Gildernew were spotted heading into a luxurious restaurant together in Dungannon laughing and joking although one punter snapped a photo of Gildernew rolling her eyes after Elliot told a simple joke she’d heard before. The traditional meal between first and second in the area was first thought of when Francie Molloy offered to buy Ken Maginnis a steak in 1992.
Tyrone GAA Dark Arts College Closes As Senior Team Agree To Take Hammerings Again
After a heated debate at their Garvaghey Centre of Excellence regarding the national perception of the county, the entire Tyrone GAA management team have decided to revert to their 1960s, 70s, 80 and 90s form and get beat out the gate every time they play outside of Ulster in order to get people to like them again.
On top of this, the Tyrone GAA School of Dark Arts is to close with immediate effect with college professors Ryan McMenamin, Conor Gormley and Noel McGinn taking their last session tonight on gouging, slagging and nipping.
The discussion, which was chaired by ex-county player Plunkett Donaghy, discovered that the national affinity of Tyrone worsened the more games they won against non-Ulster outfits whilst they were at their most loved when they were getting hammered by the likes of Dublin, Kerry or Cork 20 years ago and beyond.
Donaghy confirmed:
“We’ve decided to just lay down any time we come out of Ulster and not compete at a decent level. If that’s what it takes for the Dublin media to like us again then we’ll do it. We were everyone’s second favourite team in 1984 when we got blitzed by Dublin. After Meath hammered us in 1996, people just loved Tyrone. Now, we win a few games and we’re public enemy number one. It’s quite simple really and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it earlier.”
The closure of the GAA School of Dark Arts in Dregish will leave thousands of under-age footballers in the county lacking in the qualities that have obviously propelled Tyrone to greatness since 2003. Donaghy says there are no plans to open the college for the foreseeable future:
“Southern media rightly identified that we have been systematically coaching our young players how to log on to the Facebook accounts of opponents and gather crucial information on their girlfriends and mothers and stuff. Pascal Canavan himself was a master at this. Well, as from tonight, Professor Canavan will have to find another sideline. Brian Dooher’s students who have almost finished their Masters in ‘Half Somersaults in Tuck Position’ will have their fees refunded. “
Players who attempt to score heavily in games against non-Ulster sides will be instantaneously dropped from the squad and sent to Urney. Clubs are also prohibited from coaching Dark Arts in their clubrooms, even in Moortown.
Carrickmore Man ‘Deadly Excited’ After Birth Of Royal Baby
For sale in Carrickmore
A Carrickmore car mechanic has decided to come clean and admit he watched wall-to-wall coverage of the birth of Princess Charlotte, daughter of the current Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, leaving two punters fuming that their cars weren’t ready for over 48 hours.
Lennie Cavanagh (48), who has only been as far as Bundoran on holidays, revealed he even found himself welling up when he saw the mother of the child walking about in a clean frock so soon after the birth.
“This is right up there with the first All-Ireland and my own wedding. I just turned over to BBC News 24 to see the weather and found myself hooked on the Royal storyline and the weight of the baby and stuff. It was riveting. People won’t admit it, but it has fairly lifted Carrickmore this week. Let’s be honest. This child is more important than our own.”
Irate car owner, Francie Johnson (39) from Cappagh, did not share in Cavanagh’s elation:
“My ball bearings are banjaxed and Lennie is sitting on his arse watching the news about a child being born in England. The same man didn’t turn up for the birth of his own second child, instead watching the reserves in the first round of the championship. Although, admittedly, I myself was pleasantly surprised at how well rested the Duchess looked after the birth, and me and the lads did talk about that for two hours in the pub that night.”
Local bookmakers Kelly’s Odds boasted they made over £30’000 on the birth after a rash of unsuccessful bets on what the name of the child would be. A spokesman for the company revealed 49 punters bet on “Saoirse”, 34 plumped for “Caitlin”, 21 chose “Caoimhe”, 19 “Aoife”, and 11 “Roisin”.
Meanwhile, Carrickmore captain Benny Gormley has promised to celebrate any goals he scores this weekend against Coalisland by pulling a dummy from his socks and making a rocking gesture to mark the momentous occasion:
Tyrone’s Victorious U21 Footballers Prepare For Harsh Reality Of Club Football
Player wearing earphones caused this brawl in Dromore
Several members of Tyrone triple All-Ireland winning teams from the mid 2000s have warned Feargal Logan’s U21 team to be prepared for increased digging and slapping sessions from opponents who cheered them on at the weekend, as they return to the Tyrone club scene.
A 2-time All-Ireland winner from that era, who wishes to remain anonymous, reckons fixtures down by the loughshore are to be feared as they ‘love to bring medallists down a peg or two‘ especially if they turn up to games wearing earphones or fancy boots.
“After the final whistle in 2005, three fellas from Ardboe carried me off the Croke Park turf on their shoulders, crying tears of joy. Two weeks later and the same three lads kicked the dung clean out of me when we played Ardboe in a meaningless league game. One of them even said ‘who do ye think ye are ye big-headed tramp‘ and I’m a quiet sort of lad.”
Logan is to send the victorious squad to a psychologist in Mayo for two days in order to prepare them for the verbals they’ll face from the average club player.
Carrickmore squad player Patsy Gormless admitted he can’t wait to get a chance to play against some of the new All-Ireland medallists:
“I remember playing against the Moy shortly after the 2003 All-Ireland final. I managed to deck all three of Cavanagh, Mellon and Jordan within five minutes of the throw in. Caught Jordan with a belter to the back of the head. He’s my favourite Tyrone player too and he made me so proud to be a Tyrone man that year. But he was probably thinking he was deadly so I cracked him.”
It was widely reported that after the 2008 All-Ireland win Ryan McMenamin purposely punched himself in a club game to knock the cockiness out of himself.
Referees have been told to be on their guard but were also warned that any decisions awarded to the new medallists will only antagonise opponents even more.
Meanwhile, an Ardboe defender admitted he purposely floored a county man playing for Omagh on Sunday for wearing his socks up too high.
Trillick Schoolmaster Questioned Over Dubious Fundraising Initiative Since 1960s
Master Cuthbert
A retired Trillick headmaster is currently answering police questions after it emerged he collected over £3000 a year from pupils and their parents ‘for the poor people of Fermanagh’ despite no evidence of such a charity existing as well as the fact that the average family income in Fermanagh has been £4 higher than in Tyrone since 1833.
Master Cuthbert (81), who retired from St Gretta’s in 1989 and set up his own soup kitchen in Ballinamallard with the help of a dubious international grant, is said to have pocketed £60’000 from the Fermanagh Charity from 1965 until 1985 after which he claimed he had solved the Fermanagh poverty issue.
Ex-pupil and general sceptic Harry Brennan admits he thinks Cuthbert pulled a fast one:
“We used to pray 2-3 times a day for the poor people of Fermanagh even though we sort of lived next to them and they had bigger cars and houses. But the Master was very convincing and made us feel bad about not donating by telling sob stories about visiting Ederney and Belleek and the shanty houses and people going to the toilet in open fields. But sure, that was the same up the road in Fintona.”
Brennan also claimed the Master would show pictures of Fermanagh children with sad, dirty faces but now thinks it was just his own children mucking about in his garden.
Master Cuthbert subsequently, on retirement, set up a soup kitchen in Fermanagh with the help of a £30’000 European Charity grant but failed to attract any customers apart from a man from Strabane who popped in each day for a bowl of tomato soup.
Fermanagh Tourism Director Pierce McGrath rejected the notion that Fermanagh ever had a poverty issue and went on to declare that ‘by the state of the people walking around Trillick today, you could be doing with a lock of our pounds’.
Huge Fireball In Tyrone Sky Was A Hub© Hughes Shot From 2008, Not Meterorite.
2008 match ball returns
The mystery of a recent fireball witnessed hurtling across the Tyrone night time sky has been solved by a crack team of scientists and a clatter of men from Killeeshil.
Earlier in the week, the Northern Ireland Astronomical Societal Agency (NIASA) revealed they experienced a sharp rise in calls to their office in Bangor after the sighting, with many callers worried about the religious connotations of such a celestial event and whether indeed the fireball was a Protestant or a Catholic.
However, alerted by a group of sceptical Killeeshil farmers, scientists began looking into the theory that the fireball may simply have been an errant shot Kevin Hughes took, minutes before his brilliant and crucially iconic point at the end of the All-Ireland final in 2008, returning to earth.
Killeeshil man Joe Hamill maintains he knew straight away what the heavenly body was when it burned up re-entering the earth’s atmosphere:
“Aye we’d be used to sightings like that regularly around these parts, especially when Kevin was playing up front in his prime. Don’t get me wrong, he’s one of the best players to pull on a pair of boots in Ulster, but he hit some tarra wides too. I remember one he skied down at Brocagh and the ball was found washed up over in Antrim town three weeks later.”
Scientists confirmed Hamill’s suspicions after over a dozen sky-gazers contacted NIASA to report the word ‘O’Neills’ written on the side of the meteorite. Armagh Planetarium refused to comment on Tyrone players.
Kevin Hughes, who recently copyrighted the word ‘Hub’ ©, won man of the match in the All-Ireland final in 2003 and retired from inter-county football in 2012 to concentrate on his sewing and knitting empire.
DUP’s Proposed Tax On Ginger Babies ‘A Step Too Far’ Says Voters
Following recent negative coverage, the DUP are teetering on the brink of implosion after it was revealed that, if successful in Fermanagh/South Tyrone this election, they will propose a hefty tax on ginger babies born in the constituency from September 2015 onwards.
A leaked document, found under a pallet of strawberries outside a vegetable shop in the Moy, explains the party’s thinking when it comes to hair colouring and how gingerism is seen as a sign of rebellion and possible republicanism, with a picture of Martin McGuinness used as way of example.
A DUP voter from Moygashel was adamant he will not be lending his vote to the party in next month’s elections:
“I was uncomfortable with the whole gay issue but this takes the biscuit. I’ve been voting DUP for over 20 years and in that time I have courted manys a ginger woman and they’ve all been dead on and some of them were even Unionists. I’m voting Independent this year.”
Coalisland barber Herbie Lyons was not surprised at the revelation:
“This is just another nail in their coffin. Like my friend from Moygashel above, I’ve walked out with plenty of redheads before and they’ve been fine. Some just had a red head and weren’t ginger at all but that’s besides the point. Up the gingers and down with follicle-bashing.”
A DUP spokesperson claims the party remain unapologetic regarding their stance on gingerism and warned Unionists that if people do not vote for their party because of the redhead issue then they may be prepared for a United Ireland by 2020 run by a parliament of Maureen O’Haras and Ed Sheerans.
Video Tape Found In Attic Confirms Canavan Probably Over 70
Canavan, probably 63 here.
A derelict house in Ballygawley has become a hive of activity after demolishers found a brown box of VHS tapes dating as far back as 1950, depicting life in and around the general Glencull area.
In particular, one cassette appears to confirm that former All-Star Peter Canavan is well into his 70s and not 44 as stated on his Wikipedia page.
Local historian and former train driver Joseph McAleer maintains the revelation only confirms what many locals have suspected for many years:
“Not a lot of things were actually written down or recorded in Ballygawley before 1990 but quite a few of the older generation were sure that Canavan had been knocking around the area since the late 1940s. Former club manager Kenny McGarrity, who managed the club throughout the 60s, is sure he played Canavan at full forward on over 100 occasions but had no photographic proof. Well, this video tape from a sports day in 1959 surely shows a 15-year old Canavan playing for Glencull.”
If confirmed, Tyrone’s U21 titles in 1991 and 1992 may be declared void as Canavan was probably about 46-47 then. Remarkably, Canavan now appears to have won his final All-Ireland title at the grand old age of 60 in 2005.
Omagh shopkeeper and avid GAA fan Paul Hurson is not surprised at the findings:
“I don’t understand how anyone can be shocked at this. Sure he was sucking away on the inhaler in the 1990s when he was well into his 50s it seems now. He was probably riddled with arthritis and still tortured Derry. A bad wetting could have finished him off at that age. We should admire him even more now.”
Cameroon’s Roger Milla, who played for his country in the 1990 World Cup at the age of 53 disguised as 33, was unavailable for comment as was Canavan.
Derrytresk Man May Have Been Responsible For Crack In Windsor Park Stand
A Derrytresk Health and Safety Officer, in his first formal job, appears to have dug a hole with a family spade behind the stand ‘to see what their turf was like’ which led to a large crack forming in the West Stand, affectionately known as ‘The Kop’.
Fergal Fitzgerald (24), who qualified as a structural engineer last month, was given the task of overseeing a new toilet which was to be built behind the stand after a report in the Belfast Telegraph indicated a rise in weak bladders amongst Ulster men in 2015.
Witnesses suggest Fitzgerald said something about wanting to know if Belfast had ‘good burning turf‘ before digging furiously on his own behind the now-damaged stand with a spade from the boot of his car.
Fitzgerald’s university lecturer, Professor Lingard, maintains he is not surprised with the development:
“Fergal is a very clever man and qualified with a First but has a weakness for turf and peat. For part of his Field Work during his final year at Queen’s University we took his class to Pisa in Italy to examine the Leaning Tower. When my back was turned he started digging with his ‘family spade’ around the tower because he wanted to know what Italian turf was like to burn. He nearly toppled the thing. The Italians weren’t very happy.”
Despite good character references, a Loyalist paramilitary group called ‘We’re Not Brazil We’ll Kill Ye’ issued a statement warning Derrytresk residents to stay away from Windsor Park and that anyone seen in the ground wearing a checked shirt and carrying a spade will be deemed a legitimate target.
Augher Civil Engineer ‘Not All That Civil’ Claim Clogher Residents
New Clogher Millennium Bridge
A 44-year old civil engineer from Castlehill Gardens in Augher has been labelled ‘fairly uncivil‘ by long-suffering Clogher folk who have described their latest bridge ‘unfit for purpose’ after it was seen swaying when an Airbus bound for Alaska flew over, 30’000 feet above the structure.
Noel Burns, who won a case against him in 2007 by The Concerned Clogher Committee (CCC) when accused of making roads worse by putting dead ends on them, maintained the bridge is a stiff as the Eiffel Tower and has told Clogher ones to quit whinging or he’ll not look kindly on the new planning permission for clean water in the village.
CCC chairperson Melanie Liffey is adamant Burns is doing things on purpose to wind up his near neighbours:
“The swaying ‘Millennium Bridge’ is just the latest structural cock-up he has landed on Clogher on purpose. Last year he was given the job of building the Clogher Historical Building in the town centre. Didn’t he build it with no windows or electrical provisions so it was completely dark and then overlooked plumbing needs so people had to just hold it in if nature called. He sabotages us at every opportunity and keeps getting away with it. Civil engineer my arse.”
Burns was also accused of building four new roads out of Clogher from 2003 with dead ends so that no one could ever leave the town or indeed arrive in it. Tourism dropped 133% over the following 4 years with new fashions and trends unable to penetrate the historical village. Experts reckon Clogher is still on 2009 time with many currently distraught at hearing of Michael Jackson’s untimely death.
The bridge is currently operational at your own risk.
Tyrone Tribulations 