Most Tyrone People Still In Bed After Armagh Defeat
Coalisland at 11am
Following their harrowing three-point defeat to neighbours Armagh, it was reported that by midday today only three Tyrone people had ventured out of their house and one of those was to lock the front gates.
The loss, which sees Tyrone exit the championship in mid July, comes on top of the cancelled Brooks concerts, leaving locals with little to look forward to apart from a weekend in Bundoran here and there.
Trisha Mullen from Benburb described the scene:
“It’s a deadly quiet place at the minute. The roads are empty for fear of seeing an Armagh person. No one wants to talk even. I thought I spotted movement in a hedge near Eglish but that could have been anything. My husband did set one foot out but an Armagh Carpets van drove past and he got teary eyed and said ‘feck that’ and went back to bed. There’ll not be many fields cut this week.”
Psychologist and Armagh fanatic Dr Tony Fearon reckons the double whammy of Brooks and Tyrone will have shattered even the most resilient Tyronnie. Speaking from his house in Portadown, he added:
“It’s a severe blow to the Tyrone psyche. All that’s left now is reruns of Glenroe and slagging each other. Rub it up them I say.”
Producers of a remake of The Good The Bad And the Ugly have moved quickly and filmed several scenes in ‘ghost towns’ across the county.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone management have scotched rumours that Mickey Harte plans to give every man in the county a game by the time he retires in 2020, in order to raise spirits. Spokesman Pat Quinn fumed:
“Hardly everyone, like. It’d be suicide sticking a lame 80-year old on that big McKeever lump from Armagh. He’d ate him.”
Brazil Football Team Issued Bold Challenge By Brackaville Under-12s
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A youth football team from Outer Coalisland have challenged the Brazil football team to a game, ‘any time they want, day or night’.
The bold statement came from local boys’ team Brackaville Rockets, just hours after the host nation’s calamitous 7-1 defeat at the hands of Germany at the semi-final of the World Cup earlier this week. The young team have gone so far as to promise to take it easy on Brazil, and that they would even be prepared to give them ‘a 2-nil start’.
“It’s true”, said team manager and father of one of the players, Danny Suddan. “We sent a fax to Pele asking him to bring the team over here to play our lads. We have a grand stadium in Brackaville with a quality pitch, or at least it will be just as soon as we’ve cleared off all the dung and the burnt-out Nissan Cherry. We’ll show him and them Brazilians a thing or two. Did you watch thon match of theirs against Germany? Our boys have nothing to fear. It’ll be a fair match. As long as they get enough toilet breaks throughout the game and a wee cuddle from their mums from time to time, they’ll have no problems. And our lads will be fine too”.
He went onto provide his own analysis of Brazil’s failure at the hands of Germany.
“If they’re ever going to win the football World Cup they need to stop with the bull fighting and flamencos and suchlike. They’re not focused enough. If they can’t even spell the ‘Brazil’ what hope have they got? They should never have been beat by seven goals. Germany are nothing special. Although I suppose they do have a bit of history destroying countries. If Brazil want to learn some proper lessons about a lacklustre midfield or squandering chances they should speak to our Northern Ireland team while they’re here”.
Suddan has also promised that if the Brazil team agrees to the match, that he would be willing to give Pele, ‘a few wile hints and tips about his bedroom problem’.
Chinese Family Leave Ardboe After Accent Misunderstanding
A quare ‘hate’ in Ardboe that day
A beleaguered Chinese family, who fled East Belfast after racial intimidation to settle in Ardboe, have been urged to return to the loughshore resort after a mix-up in accent saw them up roots for the second time in a month after one day in their new home.
Martin Tsang and his family received universal support after they highlighted the racial discrimination taking place in Knocknagoney in Belfast before deciding to settle in Ardboe, a move warmly welcomed by Lord Mayor of Ardboe Francie Forbes.
Tsang, however, was not impressed by Forbes’ welcome on that sunny morning:
“We got out of the car on the Ardboe Road only to be met by Forbes who said ‘there’s quare hate in Ardboe here today’ and he was smiling from ear to ear and winking. Sure we didn’t know he was talking about the heat. Then another man walked past with a fishing rod and said ‘Jaysus the hate will kill you today’. We were in a state of shock.”
The Tsangs persevered and drove up to their house only to be met by the postman looking up at the sun and who uttered ‘We haven’t had hate like this in Ardboe all year. I love the oul hate though. Can’t get enough of it. I suppose youse would be used to the hate now’.
The Tsangs immediately reversed out and set out for BBC studios only to be told of the accent variations along the loughshore.
Meanwhile, Lord Mayor Forbes has urged all schools in the area to work on contentious accent pronunciations, with all P1 teachers told to use the word heat as if rhymed with feet. When told that feet is pronounced fate in the area, the mayor just shook his head.
Newtonstewart School Confirms School Holidays Extended All The Way To Christmas
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A headmaster of a school in Newtonstewart today denied that an extension in the school summer holidays until nearly Christmas was influenced by the stress of the job.
Headmaster of St Mark’s Secondary School in Newtonstewart Colm McQuillan, confirmed that the summer break will begin today, and continue until Friday 12 December. Sitting in a darkened study with a damp facecloth over his forehead, the headmaster said,
“Personally I love my job. Can’t get enough if it. But those kids deserve a big long break. Jays, they’ve been working tara hard. They must be exhausted. Poor critters”. He continued, “They finish this week and come back on the 12th of December, in time for some carols, probably the nice gentle ones like Silent Night, or maybe just quiet reflection about the wonder of the story of Jesus, and then they’ll be off for the Christmas break. Which for 2015 will extend until Easter”.
McQuillan has faced criticism from parents for introduced some unorthodox teaching methods at the school, including morning prayers being replaced with an hour’s meditation, yoga being incorporated into PE lessons, and the syllabus for the English GCSE now including ‘The Little Book of Calm’ as compulsory reading text. He was also accused by many of being unable to cope with the stress.
“Stressful? What, this job?”, whispered McQuillan. “Don’t be daft. Never in a million years. I love my job. Well, maybe just a tiny touch stressful sometimes, you know. Just the occasional few days. Well, five actually. Monday to Friday. It’s the ringing noise in my ears, you see, I can’t get rid of the ringing noise. I get it all the time. Especially at about 9 o’clock and 4.15 every day. I wish it would stop. But I’m fine. Really, I’m fine”.
McQuillan confirmed that the change was entirely driven by ‘educational needs’ and nothing to do with his own personal circumstances.
“Oh aye, absolutely. Nothing to do with the teachers. It’s the kids, definitely the kids. Six lovely long, long months of just sitting, with no noise, in peace and quiet…”,
he said, before tailing off and staring into the middle distance.
Local Gangsters Organise Amazing Concerts After Brooks Fiasco
Beyonce for Brocagh?
Government officials have told people to be wary of mind-boggling concert line-ups as entrepreneurs make money on interest before cancelling the event late on.
Using the Garth Brooks incident as a template, Omagh man Harry Davidson advertised a ‘Tramping About Tyrone’ weekend festival allegedly featuring U2, Rihanna, Tom Jones, Eminem, Rod Stewart, Bruce Springsteen and a hologram Michael Jackson all in a 3-acre field near Loughmacrory, costing £300 for the weekend ‘subject to licensing and appearance agreements’. 90’000 tickets were sold within three hours yesterday for the January 1st 2015 event.
One lucky ticket holder, Jane Tohill, told us:
“We know fine rightly this won’t go ahead but you have to take a chance don’t you. Harry once organised a quiz in the pub and won it himself so we know what kind of crook he is. We also know he’ll make a bomb out of the interest from these ticket sales but you’d never forgive yourself if he came good. But it’s not happening is it?’
When contacted, Davidson was honest about his venture. After laughing for five minutes, he confirmed:
“As sure as I’m standing here, this concert is not going ahead. I plan to cancel it in December, probably just before Christmas, which is a rather generous thing to do. They’ll get their refund back to buy presents and I get my interest. Everyone wins. People will always take a chance though, just in case like. There’s that 0.01% chance Tramping About Tyrone might happen.”
Other events recently announced included ‘Beyonce In Brocagh’, (Neil) ‘Diamond Does Dromore’, and ‘Meatloaf In The Moy’ which have all sold out despite zero chance of actually happening although Meatloaf was spotting eating strawberries from a pallet on the side of the road in Eglish last week.
False Alarm As Whales Washed Up On Lough Neagh Beach Are Just Two Local Men Bathing
Not a whale
Two Derrylaughan brothers, Kenny and Kieran McAliskey, were said to be a bit annoyed after they were mistaken for two whales which sparked an international environmental storm. Both have since signed up for Slimming World in Dungannon.
The global incident was first reported after dog-walker Malachy Hamill spotted the two carcasses on the shoreline at 10am down by the Washingbay, a former continental sunbathing resort. Hamill, who claims to have 20/20 vision despite his 77 years, immediately phoned the parish priest, Irish News and BBC NI with his findings before heading home to find his binoculars.
“I was afeard of approaching them in case they got angry. But they definitely looked like two hefty whales with blubber wobbling all over the place.”
Fr McKinstry was on the scene within minutes and began a rosary with 15 women who follow his car about, ‘for the safe return to America or wherever the beasts came from’ according to chief prayer Lisa Mullan. Mullan added:
“Then all of a sudden the whales got up and rubbed themselves with towels and got into the car. We thought it was a miracle and a rake of the women fainted. It was only after Kenny wound down the window as he passed by and called us a bunch of praying perverts that the penny dropped. I’m not sure what happened here but it might be a miracle. Fr McKinstry is building a whale grotto just in case the Vatican gives it the nod.”
Kenny McAliskey admits it’s a wake-up call:
“If there’s anything that will encourage you to lose weight it’s being reported by Wendy Austin on BBC Radio Ulster as resembling a whale. I sort of got my eyes opened there. We ate a lot of Chineses lately.”
Meanwhile Lough Neagh Rescue Centre have confirmed that it’s impossible for a whale to come up the Bann to the Lough.
Anarchy In Tyrone As Post-Brooks Stress Hotline Set Up. Bonfires and Screaming On The Rise.
Carrickmore man, earlier
Government officials have urged all affected Tyronians to stay calm and think of their favourite place after news emerged that all Garth Brooks concerts have been cancelled.
Police have already had to contend with an outbreak of unpleasantness with reports of bonfires being set alight all over the county, with fans burning excess cowboy hats and boots as well as old CDs of Brooks’ greatest hits. They have urged anyone looking to wreck anything to phone their special Post-Brooks Stress hotline, a condition quickly diagnosed by a doctor in Coalisland.
Brooks fanatic Marie Herron admitted she was at her wit’s end:
“I just can stop running around and screaming. What the hell are we going to do now this summer? That’s not just the summer ruined, it’s the whole year and possibly the decade. I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow.”
Screaming and running about seems to be the first sign of Post-Brooks Stress Disorder, before it turns violent and victims begin to wreck and burn things. In Kildress, it has been reported that nearly everything not tied down has been set alight including cattle and trailers. UTV cameramen have confirmed they have footage of three men in Carrickmore crying valleys of tears at the news, before punching each other.
One, a talented electrician, told them:
“I’m not bothered about Brooks. It’s the side effects. I’ll have to tramp around Dublin Zoo or something now with herself that weekend.”
Local politicians have called an emergency meeting of all elected councillors to decide on their next move, with talk of a march to Dublin high on the agenda. They have also set up a fund-raising committee to help pay for those out of pocket because of the £1 handling fee on Ticketmaster.
Meanwhile Mickey Harte has called on his players to ‘Do It For Garth’ this Sunday against Armagh. County officials have also urged supporters to bring their cowboy hats and shoes to the game and pretend it’s the concert they were supposed to be going to as it might be their only day out this year.
Tyrone Tennis Academy For Youngsters To Open, Possibly In Garvaghey
Top of the range
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The recent TV coverage of tennis at Wimbledon has prompted a local opportunist entrepreneur to capitalise on the renewed interest in the sport.
Fergal Donaghy from Annaghmore decided to make the investment after seeing two youngsters playing with tennis racquets near Greencastle last week during the Wimbledon fortnight.
“Sure, they were using them to belt lumps out of each other, but still, it’s the Wimbledon effect”, said an excited Donaghy. “The cubs are mad for the tennis in Tyrone, and once my tennis centre opens, they’ll be flocking in”.
Donaghy has already started work on a permanent venue for the centre and a search for much-needed equipment.
“Aye, we’re still sort of planning where the site’s going to be. The place I’m using at the moment is amazing with lots and lots of space and kids think it’s class, but apparently Asda say it’s ‘their’ car park. Sure, we’ll squeeze it into a corner of Garvaghey. They won’t mind. We don’t need much space because I’m going to use much smaller tennis courts. The size of existing courts has players run ragged. No wonder Andy Murray’s always got a face like a slapped arse. The poor lad’s knackered. No, we’re going to reduce the court by about three quarters. Revolutionary”.
He continued,
“Thon Andy Murray’s a class act. Unbeatable. I didn’t get to see much of Wimbledon this year, but I didn’t have to to know that he’s won it again. He’s unbeatable that boy”.
Sourcing appropriate kit has so far has proved a challenge for the entrepreneur.
“I picked up all these class state-of-the-art wooden tennis racquets at a sale. The kids love playing with them. Imagine how much more they’ll like them once we put strings in them. Tennis racquet string’s supposed to be made from catgut, and we tried sourcing it locally, but Jays, it was some handlin’. The miaowing’s still ringing in my ears. I’ve still got the scratches. I’m not making that mistake again. A wee bit of blue rope will do the job just as well”.
Donaghy revealed exciting expansion plans for the future.
“Once this tennis centre’s open, I’ll do one in every county. Armagh’s first, then Fermanagh, probably in Enniskillen. I want to come up with a snappy name for it that combines ‘Enniskillen’ with ‘tennis’, but so far it’s got me stumped”.
Donaghy has also sent a fax to Cliff Richard asking him to stay away from the centre when it opens.
Alcohol-Fuelled ‘Hell’s Grannies’ Evicted From Estate In Eskra
The troublemakers
Up to nine pensioners have been told to leave an estate in Tyrone after wild around-the-clock bashes kept neighbours up all night for the last three weeks.
The retired gang, who moved in a month ago and have a combined age of 603, have been accused of blasting out loud music at all hours, including Neil Diamond classics mixed with a rave soundtrack. They were also reported for chucking empty beer bottles at passers-by under the cover of darkness as well as drinking lager from the can during broad daylight in the driveway.
Local neighbourhood watch chairman, Patsy Donnelly, reckoned enough is enough:
“Listen, I like old people but you have to draw a line somewhere. Every morning on my way to work you’d see all these pensioners crashed out sleeping on the lawn or over fences. They are not really setting a good example to our younger generation. It appears to me that they are simply drinking their pension money. It’s a disgrace and they’re not wanted here in Eskra.”
A PSNI spokesman confirmed there have been over 42 complaints made about the elderly trouble-makers, with the majority of claims being made about mass brawling in the house between themselves, often spilling over onto the front garden. Noise decibel levels have also been assessed and despite over a dozen warnings, the sounds of Perry Como and Frank Sinatra have increased in volume.
The house-owner, known simply as Boozy Betty (68), maintains it is another example of discrimination against the elderly:
“This is a load of bollocks. We’re doing nothing wrong. Listen, we haven’t long left so give us a bit of leeway,”
she told us before passing out on the pavement.
The pensioners were last seen heading towards Killeeshil.
Church Apologies For ‘Road To Hell’ Wedding Song Error
Listamlet?
St Alphonsus’ Church in Listamlet have apologised to Gerry and Mary Brennan of Clonfeacle after a mix-up in their audio saw ‘The Sally Gardens’ mistakenly replaced with Chris Rea’s worldwide hit ‘Road To Hell’ as the bride walked up the aisle.
To add to their woes, the altar boy was unable to turn off the song, leaving the wedding party and congregation listening to the entire 5-minute extended version of the chart topper which includes the lines “And the perverted fear of violence/Chokes the smile on every face”.
Father of the bride, Jack McCann, fumed:
“Some balls-up. The worst part was the altar boy fumbling to turn the thing off. We had to listen to that man sing the ‘Road To Hell’ line over and over at the end. The young girl was in tears thinking her husband-to-be was sending her a subliminal message. Why didn’t they cut the wires?”
Fr Cushnahan was at pains to explain how the song ended up on the church’s private music selection in the first place.
“Ah I was just codding around one day with funny songs to play in a church, just to show that you can have a laugh with God and all. Elvis’s ‘Devil In Disguise’ was another one I had on it. Thank feck that one didn’t play. The husband would’ve been afeard to turn around and look under the veil. I’ll just put this one down as a learning experience.”
Meanwhile, St Alphonsus’ have offered, by way of compensation, a year’s supply of confessions for the couple with a guarantee of very little penance.
Tyrone ‘Ghost-Oh-Buster’ Business Gets Off To Shaky Start
Hamill
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Creggan man who set up a business offering to rid houses of troublesome ghosts had mixed success with his first assignment earlier today at a house in Lissan.
Plunkett Hamill was called to the property this morning to deal with a noisy poltergeist after 56-year old housewife Finnuala Loughran responded to an advert Hamill had placed in the Tyrone Times which read,
‘Call Ghost-Oh-Buster to rid your home of scary other-worldly forces, like demons, devils and dwarves. Experienced with witches, ghouls, goblins, munchkins and much more. Two-for-one deal on exorcisms during July’.
Hamill said he arrived at the house to find the poltergeist in full flow.
“Aye, there was this really loud ghostly rattling in the pipes and radiators, really angry like, making lots of clanking and knocking noises. It happened every time the central heating came on. Terrifying, but I ain’t afraid of no ghost”.
However, Loughran’s exasperated husband, John Joe, raged:
“I’ve told her a hundred times but she won’t listen. The only thing those damned radiators need is a bleed key but I can’t find it. Poltergeist my arse. To be honest I haven’t the energy for this. I had a huge vindaloo out the Rupali in Cookstown last night and can barely move. In the meantime I have that bollix wreckin’ about the house”. He continued, “He’s an eejit. He waltzed in pretending to be one the boys out of that Ghostbusters movie, wearing a rucksack with a fire extinguisher in it and a pair of swimming goggles on his head. Clift”.
Hamill had a different view.
“Blocked pipes? Never”, he insisted. “It wasn’t just the noise, it was the smell too. I was tip-toeing along the hallway hunting out the poltergeist, and I started to notice this really foul stench, really powerful, like something evil from the very depths of hell itself had manifested itself in the house. It was just outside the toilet. Jaysus, my eyes were doing some deadly watering. I kept going, but I think it must have sensed me and left the house, because the smell went away once I opened a window. Explain that”.
Hamill also spent several hours this afternoon examining a strange substance which he initially believed to be ‘solidified ectoplasm’, which turned out to be a half-eaten naan broad.
New Moygashel GAA Club ‘True Blues GFC’ Formed
True Blues GFC training
Against all the odds, Moygashel have successfully applied to become part of the GAA landscape after their club ‘True Blues GFC’ were finally affiliated as an operating GAA club as of July 12th 2014.
Moygashel, who have suffered from unwanted publicity recently, will play their first friendly against Carrickmore on the 11th night, followed by games against Coalisland Fianna, Ardboe O’Donovan Rossa and Galbally Pearses to get them acclimatised to the Tyrone county scene. The move comes after Stormont agreed a multi-million pound investment in new facilities in Moygashel including a floodlit pitch and changing rooms with individual showers.
Manager Wesley Frazer was hopeful of a positive start to life in the GAA arena:
“I know we’d have a reputation for being a bit on the Loyalist/Unionist side of the Ulster political divide but we want True Blues GFC to be the start of folk forgetting these silly tags people place on certain enclaves in the province. We have a few good ballers who are sick of the way soccer is almost now non-contact so we’re going to try our hand at the GAA and get wired into some fenians in a nice friendly way. The Carrickmore game will be explosive. I suppose I shouldn’t use that word.”
True Blues GFC will use the motto Fidelitate et honore, terra et mare which means ‘loyalty and honour on land and sea’ and their crest will have elements of the culture from the area including the Queen’s face, a bonfire and graffiti.
Frazer, who recently served time in Maghaberry for tobacco smuggling, predicts a great 11th night festival and has offered Carrickmore supporters a safe and warm welcome:
“This could be Northern Ireland turning a corner. We’ll provide crisps and mineral for the Carrickmore lads and if they want they can stay on and watch the bonfire, singing and the odd military show of strength.”
There has been a mixed reception in Carrickmore to the news of the upcoming fixture. Captain Cathal Gormley admitted:
“I’m crapping myself, and I’ve been to Ardboe.”
Mass Rioting In Tyrone Over Brooks Cancellation
Cookstown, an hour ago
Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.
UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,
Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:
“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”
When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.
Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.
Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.
Controversy Over Dungannon Traffic Warden Using World Cup Referee ‘Vanishing Spray’
Common sight in Dungannon
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Dungannon-based traffic warden has started employing the use of the ‘vanishing spray’ currently being used by referees at the Brazil World Cup, which marks where defenders have to stand during a free kick. The spray disappears after a few minutes.
32-year old Fergus Devine, who courted controversy earlier this year for frequently conducting victory dances around cars to which he had issued parking tickets, began using the spray last Saturday, firstly on cars, and latterly on pedestrians.
“You see some of them cars edging forward at the lights, waiting for green”, explained an unrepentant Devine. “That’s where my spray comes in, see? If they think they can start moving just because the light changes to amber, they can think on. Drive over my wee white line and they’ll get a ticket slapped on their windscreen pronto”.
Complaints were made not just by drivers but also by pedestrians who have attracted Devine’s attention, including Caledon’s Clodagh Rush, who was accosted by Devine coming out of Lowe Butchers on Dungannon Square on Monday. She explained,
“He stopped me and started spraying my shoes, the clift. Said he was giving me a warning because of ‘dangerous overtaking’ coming out of the shop. All I did was squeeze past Mrs Donnelly who was having trouble managing her zimmer frame and bag of mince at the same time. He made me stand there like an eejit for five minutes until the white stuff went away”.
“Aye, it’s deadly stuff is right”, proclaimed Devine. “There’s too many of them pedestrians eager to jump about the road like they own the place. It’s only me that’s allowed to do that. I’ve had the training. If they don’t want to wait for the wee green man then they risk getting my aerosol all over their tootsies. They’ve been warned”.
Asked where he had procured the spray, Devine said,
“I got it off a pal of a pal who lives in England, Wayne I think his name was. He came back from Brazil with a suitcase full of the stuff. Don’t know what he was doing over there, but apparently he said there was no way he was coming back empty-handed”.
56-year old Fergus Faloon also incurred the wrath of Devine having come out of Dungannon Library ‘without due care and attention’, by walking and eating a Twix at the same time. He now faces a ‘two-booksale ban’ at Dungannon Library, but plans to appeal.
Dungannon Cyclist ‘Won’t Let Us Down’ In Tour De France
McElhatton’s machine
A Dungannon butcher has received a surprise late call-up to race in this year’s Tour De France which kicks off on Saturday in England.
Kevin ‘The Blurt’ McElhatton was surprised as anyone to receive the call but is determined to see good his invitation, comparing it to being ‘called up for jury duty; there’s no way out of it these days’.
The Blurt continued:
“I don’t even remember applying to ride in it but sure what harm can it do. I’ve a Flame Red MK2 Grifter at my mother’s house and sure I’ll take a spin on her down to the lough shore and back to get the oul chains oiled up for France. That’s a good 20 mile round journey so it is.”
McElhatton, despite having chronic asthma at this time of the year, is adamant he’ll put on a good show and has urged his family and friends to watch him on Channel 4 during the competition:
“I’m not deadly into the tight bicycle lycra stuff so I’m just gonna wear a white t-shirt and my Dungannon Clarkes shorts from my last game as an Under 16 in 1991. I promise not to let anyone down and I’ll drink plenty of water and all.”
There has been a mixed response on twitter to the news with one local politician from Aughnacloy tweeting “Someone stop this man. That Grifter model has a dodgy chain. Madness.”
Meanwhile, ‘The Blurt’ confirmed his butchers will remain open during his ordeal and that there’s a great deal on turkey breasts at £12.99 at the minute.
Hugh O’Neill Had Soft Spot For Armagh, Claims Historian
An oldie…
Hugh had a soft spot for Keady
A Tattyreagh historian, Thaddy Horridge, has claimed that Hugh O’Neill (also known as The Great O’Neill) had a bit of a notion for Armagh and even liked Derry people ‘a bit’. This revelation has come as an enormous shock to O’Neills in the county as well as the majority of the county’s natives from all clans, with the Donnellys and O’Hagans suggesting he should be stripped of his lofty title as one of the greatest leaders the country has ever seen. Horridge revealed he possesses secret documents supposedly written by Hugh which details a weekend away he had in Keady as well as a meeting he had with a boy from Swatragh.
“It’s obvious from the correspondence I have in my possession that Hugh wasn’t the wholesome Tyrone man he has been made out to be. In one letter he says he headed…
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Tyrone and Armagh In Amazing 12th of July Gesture
It’ll sort of look like this
In a proposal some are calling one of the most important peace gestures in Irish history, Tyrone and Armagh GAA boards are considering combining their potential July 12th Round 2 Qualifier clash with the Twelfth celebrations on the field of play.
The scenario will only take place if Monaghan defeat Armagh in their replayed Ulster semi-final this weekend, with bookmakers reckoning this scenario will be the likely outcome.
Both county board met yesterday to thrash out an agreement on the proposal with the following details confirmed as definite:
- Instead of St Michael’s Enniskillen, the players will march behind a lone Lambeg drummer, playing any tune he likes
- Both sets of players will march wearing a sash in their county colours
- The National Anthem will be replaced by The Sash My Father Wore
- A bonfire will be lit in the corner of the field at half time with no flags to be burnt, just rubbish and spare tyres donated by spectators
- Free beer cans for all in attendance
Tyrone spokesman, Kenny Nelis, explained the gesture:
“We in the GAA pride ourselves with forward thinking and this is just a natural extension of that. There are other proposals we are considering so don’t take that list as a definite. There’s talk of marching back to the changing rooms after the game is over, if the players are fit for it. This will be a special day for everyone.”
A stumbling block has surfaced though as Armagh have demanded they walk their tradition route on the outside, closest to the crowd. However, Tyrone are refusing to also give up their right to the outside lane and there are concerns there’ll be a stand-off. PSNI officials have reminded both county boards that they’ll employ water cannons if an impasse is reached on this issue.
Drinking Ditch Water Has Health Benefits Says Omagh Schoolboy
A refreshing ditch in Dregish
An Omagh pupil, who achieved eight GCSEs and earned a gold fainne at a Donegal gaeltacht at the age of 15, has published a scientific paper explaining the mountain of health benefits of drinking ditch water anywhere in Ireland apart from Roscommon and Wicklow.
Rory McGinn (16) collated his data over a period of 15 days, experimenting on his grandparents and aunts or uncles who didn’t know they were drinking ditch water in their tea. McGinn made sure a wide sample was used in his investigation, collecting from ditches in Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Cookstown and Dublin.
He explains:
“I was thinking about the rain and stuff and how it’s pure and not riddled with additives and sweeteners and that. So I first thought about waterfalls but there are no waterfalls in Ireland so I went to the next ready-made sample, ditches.”
McGinn explained how he collected over 55 gallons of ditch water in home heating oil cannisters his father kept around the back of their outside toilet-house. Over a period of time, he replaced house tap water with his stash of water when making tea and noted down the results:
“It made a quare difference to my grandparents. They’d be always complaining about not being able to go to the toilet and sure as soon as I fed them my stuff they were never off it. It was a miracle. It’s was just a stroke of bad luck that they also developed a wretched vomiting bug that had been going around I’d imagine. In fact my granny is in the hospital on a drip but as soon as she gets out I’ll ply her with more of my stuff and that’ll really clean her out.”
McGinn has warned against drinking ditch water in Roscommon and Wicklow as he has never visited those places and cannot verify the quality.
Teacher Retires From Same School For 9th Consecutive Year
McKenna, in full flow
A Killyman teacher has declared he is definitely hanging up his chalk for the final time after announcing his 9th retirement in 9 years, much to the mirth of close friends and well-wishers from he local area.
Collie McKenna (68) was the guest of honour at the school’s end of term party in the canteen, just as he was back in 2013 when he announced his first retirement from St Ally’s Primary School in Killyman. Head teacher, and three-time retiree herself Mrs Hull, presented McKenna with a bottle of champagne and lead the singing of ‘Nine Green Bottles Sitting On The Wall’.
Mr McKenna told the assembled crowd:
“This is definitely it. I’ll not be back in September.”
before winking and smirking at the Board of Governors which sparked hysterical laughter and eye-throwing from parents and pupils.
“I’d like to thank the school for taking me back 8 times but I swear I won’t be hammering on these doors in two months. It’s time to let the young ones have a go at this teaching lark. Anyway, the redundancy package this year was the best yet. And I need to go to the toilet three times an hour now.”
Headmistress Hull announced that the job will be advertised in the Irish News next week but added that one of the essential qualifications includes at least 40 years experience in the primary school sector which again was greeted with more laughter, smirks and eye-throwing from well-wishers.
“I know we need to give young teachers a go, however it’s hard to beat experience”
to which a newly qualified teacher from the area replied with ‘bollocks to that yiz shower of gangsters” before storming off.
Sources confirmed that McKenna’s stuff is still sitting on his desk.
Biting On The Rise In County Since Suarez Incident
In another example of the power of television having an effect on its audience, the PSNI have reported a 500% rise in biting in the county since the news broke of Uruguayan hungry-man Luis Suarez’s attempted to take a lump out of an Italian’s shoulder last week.
The most common scenario at the time of reporting appears to be wives taking lumps out of their husbands after arriving home late from the pub or social gatherings. Other examples include post men and women biting dogs, referees biting serial offenders on the field of play and irritated grandparents gnawing on boisterous children.
Drumquin painter and decorator Kieran McGahey found it hard to contain his anger at the South American’s on-field antics:
“That’s three days running I’ve come home slightly late from O’Kanes only to be met at the door by herself with her teeth stripped already. Last night it was my ear that got a touch. When will this madness end? There are fellas out there walking around with all sorts of organs dented. And it’s the women who are the worst for it. Biting like rabid animals.”
Sion Mills carpenter and Castlederg full forward Francey Lowe described the novel technique now employed by GAA referees:
“We were playing Aghaloo the other night and the ref warned me if I flailed another elbow he’d bite me. I thought he was codding but lo and behold didn’t I flail again and he comes over and bites me on the chest. I was in so much shock I let him do it too. What’s the world coming to? To be fair I fairly behaved myself after that.”
Newtownstewart priest Fr Mackle released a statement in the parish bulletin last night regarding the upsurge in biting. He stated that although he was not condoning the biting epidemic, the clergy will think long and hard about including the technique for those who don’t throw money into the basket.
Tyrone Tribulations 