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New Zealand Man Kicks Down Cookstown Sausages Stand In Auckland After Rugby Result
Sausages before the attack
A New Zealand rugby fan has been arrested in Auckland after he set upon a stall in his local supermarket selling Cookstown products such as long-lasting sizzling sausages and bubbling bacon.
Brett Smith, a retired front-row player for the Mount Albert Rovers, admitted to deliberately destroying the display in his local Sparra Sparra in a fit of bad temper after his beloved Kiwis were beaten by Ireland in Chicago at the weekend.
Speaking to a local radio station, supermarket owner Joe Mangel revealed how the usually mild-mannered Smith lost the run of himself when the result was announced over the PA system:
“We have a lot of Irish in Auckland and I thought it would be a bit of fun to congratulate them in public. I didn’t envisage the rage it would cause in some of our loyal customers. Smith just lost it and started running around trying to find Irish-made products to obliterate.”
CCTV footage caught Smith making a beeline for the sausage stand and kicking the whole display about the shop, stomping on the meat and yelling ‘take that, you leprechauns’.
“I’m just glad he didn’t see the Kerrymaid butter section. That would have been carnage. He even spear-tackled a life-sized Cillian Murphy cut-out ad which was promoting Guinness.”
Cookstown were unavailable for comment but meat experts were surprised to hear they sold Cookstown Sausages in New Zealand and suggested that it might possibly be some other place called Cookstown nearer the southern hemisphere.
Arlene Foster Not On Fire; Probably Just Hot Flushes – Says Cookstown Junior Doctor
Foster – not on fire
A qualified medical practitioner who has almost finished his postgraduate training has confirmed that, having analysed footage of the DUP’s conference in slow motion, Arlene Foster is probably just experiencing hot flushes and was definitely not on fire.
The initial claim of a combustible Foster was made towards the end of the conference when up to 20 DUP members became vocally adamant that their leader was in fact aflame in front of their eyes and chanted something to the same effect at the emergency services or anyone with water within the conference building.
Dr Robert Sheehy (26) maintains it was a rushed call by the party members:
“I have studied the footage in great detail and can medically confirm that Foster was not actually on fire but was perhaps suffering from what in lay terms is known as hot flushes – a sudden feeling of feverish heat – a common experience for women and some men between the ages of 40 and 55. I read this in a book just last week.”
Dr Sheehy, although not claiming to be an expert in this field, has advised Foster to wear a magnet in her knickers as a method to deal with the sudden feeling of warmth, a method Belinda Carlisle swears by.
“I would also call on the male members of her party to be a bit more sensitive to what’s going on and the young women up there larking about on that stage should have a tad more sense and read a bit about it the way I have done.”
Meanwhile, the DUP still oppose same-sex marriage.
Mid Ulster ‘Giant Gene’ Confirms Finn McCool Tackled Cookstown Woman
McCool, acting the lig
Following the news that mid-Ulster has been identified as a “giant hotspot” by scientists studying a gene defect which causes people to grow abnormally tall, a local long-standing old wives’ tale that Finn McCool spent a drunken night with a woman from Cookstown may actually be 100% true.
The gene can result in too much growth hormone, which is produced and released by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland just below the brain. It is believed that half the county have the gene though in most cases it’s rarely activated, going by the size of the Tyrone GAA team over the years.
Cookstown shopkeeper Benjamin Sheehy admitted that the development was not news to him:
“This part of the country is full of long, lanky bolloxes. See that man over there browsing around the magazine section, you should see the legs on his wife. Apparently they go the who way up.”
The Finn McCool tale was often passed off as a piece of local fiction but the news from the London School of Medicine Queen Mary appears to verify the story that he had a bit of luck with a local woman a few thousand years ago. Sheehy added:
“I’m not surprised, going by the calibre of men our women tackle outside the Greenvale on Saturday night . Anything goes it seems. McCool knew what he was at when he stopped off here. We’ve a bit of a reputation. Anyway, that’s why the Tall Ships never come here. They’re just normal ships to a lot of us.”
The Tyrone County Board have contacted as many carriers of the gene who are single at present in order to match them up so they may produce a couple of towering midfielders for 2034.
Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics
Typical O’Neill from Coalisland
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
Cattle Jealousy On The Rise In Tyrone
Local politicians and religious leaders have called for cool heads after a spike in cattle jealously has resulted in sporadic fights across the county in recent weeks.
Cows and bulls have become the new currency for young people to show off to their peers, replacing low-suspension twin cams or DM boots as a badge of potential popularity.
One such fight broke out in a field outside Pomeroy last week after a group of young men from Galbally repeatedly shouted “shit cows” at teenager walking around his land with four Charolais cows and a Saler bull. A brawl soon ensued with members of the young farmer’s family involved.
Independent councillor James Conlon admitted the levels of cattle envy is reaching epidemic proportions:
“You can’t walk the streets of Cookstown these days without tramping on cow-clap. Young men and women are using cattle as a fashion accessory. I’ve seen Friesians with pink cardigans or on skateboards. It’s out of control. Things spill over and the fights are unavoidable.”
Another major incident occurred outside Tattyreagh when two local women had to be separated after their respective cows were spotted sporting the same leg warmers as they made their way to Mass at the weekend. The accessories, bought in a cattle fashion shop recently opened in Omagh, were sold as a one-off limited edition to both buyers.
Eyewitness Gareth McCabe explained:
“It was probably one of the worst fights I’ve witnessed. Even the cattle were spooked and started going mad and leaping into the traffic and old women were screaming and yahooing. To be fair the Omagh shop shouldn’t have pulled a fast one like that. Limited edition means only one made. We all know that.”
PSNI officials have urged cattle-owners that cow rage will receive stiff penalties from September the 1st.
Relief As Cookstown Man Wins Gold In Trellis Fencing 6 x 1ft
Winning Performance
The Irish Olympic Team will return with at least one gold after Paddy Mulligan stormed clear in the Trellis Fencing discipline, knocking up a 4-sided one-acre garden fence in under two hours, a world record, using 6 x 1ft trellis panels.
Mulligan, whose grandfather won a silver medal in 1932 in the Literary section for a poem about the length of the Main Street, was said to be ecstatic with the medal but warned locals it will probably cause an increase in his fees:
“Fencing has always been in my family but I never knew I’d become a gold medal winning Olympian out of it. I knew after the first round that I’d a good chance as the rest were a bunch of cowboys, especially the Russians. I’ll be re-assessing charges.”
Mulligan’s win has been greeted quietly in Cookstown with many worrying about money they still owe to the gold medallist. Shopkeeper Brendy Sheehy warned:
“He’s a gangster at the best of times; this’ll create some queue at the Credit Union. Great performance in Rio and all that but it couldn’t happen to a more miserly bollocks. He’ll be hard to stick.”
There’ll be a home-coming for Mulligan in the Glenavon carpark on Sunday.
Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016
Eglish Lough, 2016
Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.
OMAGH
“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)
COOKSTOWN
“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)
MOY
“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)
STRABANE
“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)
ARDBOE
“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)
Cookstown Woman Arrested For Driving Around McGinn’s Drapery Store On Mobility Scooter, Drinking Prosecco And Eating Quality Street
A Cookstown hairdresser has pleaded ‘guilty but full of the Christmas spirit’ after she was caught raking around the maternity collection in the fashion-conscious womenswear chain McGinn Drapers, knocking down clothes and spilling Tesco-branded prosecco over a newly-laid carpet.
Aine Fenton, 59, had procured the mobility scooter from the NHS after she tore a cruciate ligament before Christmas during a yoga session at the local leisure centre.
Mrs Fenton’s solicitor was quick to pinpoint his client’s festive high spirits, maintaining she had received over 14 bottles of wine and several boxes of sweets from genuine well-wishers over the Christmas period.
“Are we going to kill Christmas altogether? Although my client understands she was driving the scooter around the store in what could be called a reckless manner and probably shouldn’t have drank a bottle of prosecco during the ordeal, poorly concealing it in her coat, but she was full of festive spirit and even left a trail of Quality Streets around the ground floor.”
Fellow shopper Mary Carey maintains there was much more to Mrs Fenton’s recklessness:
“That woman’s a lunatic. She was shouting at people ‘sure you’ll not fit into that’ and firing hard sweets over the curtain in the changing rooms. Then she started singing ‘Come Out Ye Black and Tans’ which a lot of us of a certain persuasion found rather intimidating. We all enjoy ourselves at Christmas but that doesn’t mean we all go to McGinn’s Drapers and terrorise people on a scooter, full.”
Mrs Fenton was finally arrested after driving into roadworks outside the shop.
Fenton’s case will be heard tomorrow.
Man Found Alive After Four Days Missing – Under Mountain Of USB Cables And Chargers
How it all starts
A Brocagh man is said to be relieved after he was discovered lying under over 400 USB cables and 88 chargers for various devices for four days.
Friends and family, who frantically searched the local area since Sunday, admitted a sense of annoyance as to why the missing man didn’t even attempt to burrow his way out of the cabled tower instead of meekly accepting his predicament.
Seanie Davidson (49) revealed he had sounded warnings to his family regarding the amount of cables floating about the house over the last couple of years, especially since his 8 children had all reached electronic device owning age:
“This was always on the cards. The amount of cables lying around this house is crazy, from iPhones, Android devices, iPods, tablets, iPads, cameras etc. Only last week I found two cables in my Cornflakes and another in my stew later that same day. I was lucky. Some day some poor craytur will not emerge alive like I did.”
Davidson described his ordeal:
“During moments of weakness I thought I wasn’t going to make it out. I even began tying leads together to make a rope but I didn’t like getting them all tangled up.”
Mrs Davidson remained sceptical as regards her husband’s disappearance:
“We’ve no more cables than any other house with a rake of children. It just seemed a bit convenient for Sean to go AWOL during the week of putting up Halloween decorations. Only he sneezed he’d have gotten away til after the day itself was all over. “
Police have warned families to take care with excess cables and charging leads. Last week an 3-year old child from Cookstown excreted 4 USB leads during a standard visit to the toilet.
Paisley’s Library Reveals Admiration For Eoin Mulligan
Paisley and his tattered Mugsy book
The late Ian Paisley’s vast personal library, which opened for any member of the public to come and browse through a collection of 55,000 volumes, produced a couple of surprises after it emerged that Eoin Mulligan’s autobiography ‘Mugsy – My Story‘ was given pride of place at the front door, encased in bullet-proof glass.
Paisley, who rarely attended GAA games, is said to have closely identified with the Cooktown sharp-shooter and attended his book signing incognito, dressed as a farmer from Lissan.
Our journalist, Kenny Archibald, was allowed a sneak flick through Paisley’s copy and noticed a couple of annotations on the book:
“There were a few pages when Mulligan is describing an amusing incident in his life and you can see where Paisley has written ‘LOL’ or ‘some crack’. The chapter where Mugsy describes getting suspended from school for mooning out the window is heavily annotated with one comment, written in red pen, saying ‘he’s some boyo’. It’s obvious there was some connection between the pair.”
Archibald went on to describe a more startling revelation:
“More importantly, the book was signed at the front by Mulligan with a personal touch. It read ‘To the big Rev – Keep er lit – Lámh Dhearg Abú! ‘, suggesting Mugsy knew rightly on the night of the book signing that the farmer from Lissan was actually the former leader of the DUP. It’s quite a remarkable friendship.”
Coalisland journalist Ronan McSherry’s book Ronan’s Rants was also amongst Paisley’s collection. The only annotation was a moustache which Paisley had drawn on McSherry’s face.
CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.
Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Uproar In Seskinore Over Reclassification Of Ballygawley As A Town
The Town
Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.
Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.
Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:
“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”
Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:
“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”
Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:
- Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
- Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
- Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
- Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
- Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
- Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
- To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town
McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.
Cookstown Defendant Tells Judge ‘I Know Your Mother’ And Winked. Court Adjourned.
In Cooktown Court this morning, a Cooktown plumber who gave his name when asked as Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan, was charged with stealing a deckchair, busking without a licence and using bad language to PSNI officers when apprehended.
The Detective Sergeant, who gave evidence of finding Mulligan outside the O2 shop sitting in the deck chair playing the spoons to the tune of ‘A Nation Once Again’, told the judge of the torrent of abuse he took when asking the defendant to move on:
Judge: And in what way was the defendant abusive?
Detective Sergeant: Very vocally your honour.
Defendant: I’ve had a loud voice since childhood, lad.
Judge: And what did he actually say?
Detective Sergeant: He said ‘get your hands off me you over-fed RUC bastard’.
Judge (to defendant): You know that you used unacceptable language to a man of the peace?
Defendant: I apologise, I should have said PSNI. (laughter in court)
Judge: And how did you acquire the deckchair?
Defendant: I bought it off a man from Moneymore.
Judge: For how much?
Defendant: £390 (laughter in court)
Judge: I remind you of your oath in court.
Defendant: (winking at judge) I know your oul doll, lad.
Detective Sergeant: Your Honour, this is the type of guff we’ve had to put up with.
Judge: You’d be well advised to behave yourself.
Defendant (to Detective Sergeant): Do ye hear him, lad? Behave yourself. (laughter)
Judge: Have you a permanent address?
Defendant: (winking) Have you? (laughter in court)
Judge: Is that a threat?
Defendant: Are you threatening me too then?
After a long deliberation with the jury, Justice McVicker returned to give his verdict. Before speaking, the defendant turned to face the jury:
Defendant: I’ll bate the heads off all of yiz.
Judge: I am to sentence you for suspected theft and illegal busking. I will let you off for abusive language.
Defendant: What about the other 3211 offences I committed, you hairy-arsed bollocks?
Judge: No abusive langu…….What 3211 offences?
Defendant: I’ve written them all down since 1983. Will you hear them all now?
Judge: Court adjourned, indefinitely.
Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan has no date to return.
Inspired by Myles na gCopaleen
Cookstown IT Shop Workers Break World Record For Non-Verbal Communication On Staff Night Out
An artist’s impression of the night out
The bar manager at Bar 15 in Belfast confirmed this morning, with the aid of CCTV footage, that a group of co-workers from Cookstown managed to break the 2-hour barrier for non-verbal communication on their annual night out in the big city.
The 5 workers from ‘That IT Shower’ on Molesworth Street all managed to ‘check in’ on Facebook, post a combined 45 pictures of their cocktails on Instagram and browse the latest developments on the Strictly Come Dancing potential line-up on Twitter for two hours and five minutes before a Team Leader asked the rest of the group if anyone wanted another drink.
Waitress Abba Edberg from Sweden added:
“It was a quite remarkable feat. When they all took an individual selfie within the first five minutes I knew we could be onto a new world record here as they spent the next 25 minutes checking to see who liked their picture. Then the Instagramming started and it was all downhill from there. They are a resilient bunch. Oh how we cheered behind the bar when they reached the 2-hour mark.”
One of ‘That IT Shower’ workers told us this morning that it was the best staff night out ever. Billy Sheehy (40) remarked:
“It was deadly craic. I got 210 likes for my selfie, 44 likes for an Instagram of my Margarita with sepia filter and how I laughed at some of the comments on Twitter about Daniel O’Donnell’s appearance on SCD. We’re just a mad bunch of lads and I cannot wait personally until next year’s do. I’m suffering today though…my battery’s dead.”
The previous record for staff night out non-verbal communication occured in 1998 at the joint Sinn Fein and DUP fancy dress party at Stormont which lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes, ending when Martin McGuinness told a dirty joke about a woman in Portrush.
Ask Agnes – Tyrone’s Only Agony Aunt
Dear Agnes,
Yesterday I burnt the lamb in the slow cooker for the second day running. I knew Pat would go mad when he came in from the yard as he works hard but he reacted really badly to this one. He called me every name you could think of and then insulted all my family one by one. He’s now sleeping in the spare room and only grunts when passing me by. I just don’t know what to do. We’ve been married 18 years and I don’t want it to end badly, for the kids’ sake. What should I do? I know he wouldn’t lift a finger to me but the silent treatment is just as bad. Please help.
MARY, COOKSTOWN
Agnes says:
Lay the carrots & onion on the bottom of the slow cooker & then place meat on top. Add about 2 jugfuls of stock/gravy & cook on low for about 6 hours.
You can use the leftover lamb to make a Shepherd’s Pie.
Dear Agnes,
The midges are driving me mad already and it’s only April. What can I do?
JOHN PAT, ARDBOE
Agnes says:
Nothing.
Dear Agnes,
My husband’s dog started attacking the milkman last week and I went out to save him. One thing led to another and now I think I’m pregnant. Any advice welcome.
TINA, STRABANE
Agnes says:
Depends on the type of dog. Alsations are discreet animals but if it was a Pomerian it’ll be yapping away to your husband as soon as it puts two and two together. If that’s the case, a long drive with the dog might be something to consider.
Dear Agnes,
My youngest son wants to become a clown. He said he would rather be a Lambeg drummer, but for obvious reasons I will not allow it. I humbly ask you for some advice on where my son should have his training and education to become the best birthday party clown this side of Belfast?
PAUL, DONAGHMORE
Agnes says:
Try the GAA refereeing and umpiring course up in Garvaghey next Saturday. There’ll be a plethora of experienced clowns about that day. And good luck.
Dear Agnes,
Can you settle an argument? Who’s the better singer – Susan McCann or Philomena Begley? COLIN, MOY
Agnes says,
Depends on how much you’ve drank and what you’re drinking. I find Begley a delight after 5 bottle of stout and the same amount of single malt doubles as chasers. McCann is wonderful during and after a large bottle of gin. A word of warning for our younger readers – do not listen to either on an empty stomach.
Tyrone Voters Excited By Outlandish Claims From Politicians Hoping For Votes
Who wants free ice-cream vote by SDLP
Political analysts have urged Tyrone voters not to get too carried away by promises from politicians, advising people not to get their hopes up if their chosen candidate gets elected.
At a live televised debate between politicians competing for votes in various constituencies, the studio audience appeared to get whipped into a frenzy by increasingly outlandish claims from party members including jobs for everyone over the age of 16 to roads so smooth that you could iron your shirt on it.
Local politics commentator Ronald McSheery offered a word of caution to voters:
“People maybe got a bit carried away on the TV. When the DUP promised jobs for everyone, paying at least £30’000 per annum, Sinn Fein countered it by saying they’d tarmac every road using brilliant steamrollers. Then the SDLP felt left out so they reckoned they’ll give everyone a fiver a week. So the UUP threw their lot in by promising DLA for everyone with a slight limp even without a doctor’s note.”
McSheery, who was observing the debate from a media balcony, was shocked at the audience’s reaction:
“The bigger the bullshit the crazier the audience became. When the Green Party said they’ll have a big green-themed party in fields all over the county once a week with a free bar and free crisps, people were jumping up and down yahoo-ing and kissing and stuff. It was madness. People here aren’t used to this type of politicking. They believe it.”
One Cooktown voter maintains he’ll be voting Sinn Fein as they’ll be fixing every road themselves.
“I’m usually a DUPer but I’ll be putting my X beside the Shinners this time cos that road out my back turns my car into shite every time I head out. The man said he’ll tarmac it himself in his suit the morning after the election.”
Opinion polls in Mid-Ulster put independent candidate Pat-Joe Muldoon as firm favourite after he promised to legalise illegal alcohol, illegal fuel and women of the night.
East Tyrone In Mourning As Clubland’s Pink Pussycat Closes Its Doors
Deadly dancin
Thousands of middle-aged former disco-goers will wake with a heavy heart tomorrow morning after Cookstown’s premier ballroom of romance, Clubland, permanently closed its doors on Friday night.
The Pink Pussycat, which drew millions of lurkers, drivers, drinkers and dancers every weekend since the 1980s, was reportedly once thought responsible for 71% of marriages and 92% of children born in East Tyrone during the 90s. Pope John Paul II was allegedly a fan of the venue as it kept numbers healthy in the predominately catholic areas around Ardboe and Derrylaughan.
Leo McCann (48) from Moortown remembers the Molesworth Street venue with great affection:
“Ah, I’m vexed about the closure. Every week, without fail, I’d leave the venue with a girl under my arm – usually one of the Murray sisters from up the country. The eyes would be cutting out of me from the fake smoke they’d release during the slow set but it was the same for everyone. We’d all be red-eyed, with many crying uncontrollably from the stinging sensation, not really knowing who we were courting. Great days.”
John Kirby, a 46 year old single labourer from Pomeroy who often stood in the Kildress Corner of the dance floor , recalls how important the venue was during his late teen years:
“Yes, myself and seven mates would arrive in my souped up Volkswagen Golf and we’d speed up and down Molesworth Street maybe 700 times, trying to impress the dames. Sometimes we didn’t even go in. Just drove up and down for 4 hours playing Christy Moore full pelt. I’m sad our young ones won’t experience that. And the luminous dandruff was class under them laser lights.”
The former Clubland building will be replaced by a new sausage factory reportedly run by Owen Mulligan.
Some Tyrone Men (and the odd woman) Arrested For Being Not Physically Prepared For Early Spring Sun
Coalisland, Tuesday
Government officials have asked locals to ‘think again’ after many were lulled into a false sense of confidence in their physique after the recent spell of good weather, resulting in several arrests.
Children and the elderly in Omagh, Coalisland, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon and Carrickmore have been told to cover their eyes or stay indoors after 344 complaints were made to the Nolan Show and 132 to the police regarding the shape of men and some women walking around pavements and scenic walkways since Sunday.
Tyrone Social Standards Committee Chairperson Sheila McMullan admitted the warm spell caught a few people unaware and has promised strict sanctions will be enforced from tomorrow onwards until the sun is higher in the sky near July:
“I understand most people hadn’t planned for a bit of sun in April. But, for the love of God, think twice before the tops come off or the vest tops are employed. You don’t get footballers turning up for a big game in front of thousands not having trained or a stand-up comedian arriving with no jokes. Could these sun-worshippers please think of the elderly? One shock and it’s all over. Also, young children still have nightmares. Please have a bit of wit. Wait until the holidays.”
Community Watchdog groups in all major towns and large hamlets in the county have been given the power to perform a citizen’s arrest on anyone they suspect being out of shape whilst whipping off clothing in broad daylight.
Already there have been three arrests in The Moy, including two brothers who were spotted heading into the Post Office bare-chested and donning ill-fitting 1980s GAA shorts.
Meanwhile, plans to build a beach in Stewartstown have been shot down by locals who complained about the possibility of foreigners arriving and impressing the women.
“I Did Not Say It Was OK To Kick Derry Ones In The Balls” Says Pope
Cookstown, earlier
Despite pronouncements from pulpits across the county this evening during various masses, Pope Francis has moved quickly to deny that he sanctioned ‘kicking Derry people in the testicular reason for slabbering and stuff‘.
Following on from his views on smacking children and boxing anyone who slagged his mother, thousands of mass-goers believed clergy when they sanctioned the use of the foot on the nether regions on anyone from the other side of the Sperrins in the name of The Holy Father.
Depsite the Pope’s statement tonight, it has been reported that hundreds of kicks have been dished out already to Derry ones who have strayed into Tyrone territory, especially around Cookstown and Ballinderry. Fr Toner, an 88-year old priest from Carrickmore, has urged his parishioners to ignore the Pope’s denial:
“The Pope is just backing down because of a media backlash since the smacking children thing. He has got cold feet but I urge my flock to stuck to the original message. And remember what I said, steel toe-capped Doctor Marten’s are the best job.”
When questioned by parishioners on how severe the kick should be, Fr Toner said it is in direct proportion to the slabbering:
“Depends on the level of tripe coming out of the Derry man’s mouth. If he’s just slagging family members and stuff like that then just a flick to the knackers is enough. However, full-on oral manure deserves a crippling and prolonged hammering.”
Spokesmen for the Vatican confirmed that Pope Francis has nothing against Derry people and that he really loved Dana’s All Kinds Of Everything from the early 70s but wasn’t as fussed on The Undertones.
Dyslexic Ardboe Man Files Law Suit Against ADOBE© For Libel
by Aughoughilley Schniffles
A 64 year old dyslexia sufferer from the sleepy hollow of Ardboe, County Tyrone, has tasked lawyers to take legal action against pdf giant Adobe©, for his misinterpretation of the wording “Adobe reader” on a billboard in the area, which he alleges reads ‘Ardboe reader’ and has been construed as a personal jibe at his poor literacy skills.
The pensioner, from Ardboe, which translates from Gaeilge as “tall cow”, says he believes that the company have been taunting him personally over his dyslexia ‘by going on about this Ardboe reader stuff‘ and could not be convinced otherwise.
Mr Rab Fee, or ‘Bra’ as he is known locally, says he understands “Not waan hate” (a term which locally describes a scant knowledge of a subject) of Adobe’s advertising campaign.
In a preliminary court hearing at Cookstown district court recently, Mr Fee stated that he believed ‘pdf’ referred to a paramilitary grouping and accused them of utilizing ‘intimidation tactics’ towards him personally, due to his dyslexia.
Fee, when pressed, has admitted that he once mistook a sign for the local lake – Lough Neagh – as ‘low knees’, referring to him being short in stature at all of 5 feet 4 inches tall, and believed it was placed there by the same individual or group of individuals.
Mr Fee also reportedly confused the sign post for the local Battery Bar as a sign for a burger van, and stood outside the closed bar for 12 hours last December.
When interviewed in depth and asked about his thoughts regarding the beauty of the locality, including questions on the Ardboe cross, he replied,
“Cross? Of course I’m cross, I’m feckin’ raging – you would be too if you thought people were talking behind your back and pushing you around…”
Tyrone Tribulations did not want to point out that this statement held a lot of truths, as he is currently in a wheelchair with mobility aid from a talkative relative.
Local Catholic clergy issued a statement on the matter, stating:
‘Away and leave the poor man alone, sure he knows no better. Why don’t you go tackle the banker or the politician? They are the real bolloxes in all of this’.
A spokesman for Adobe was unavailable for comment, however it is thought that it will not deter the company’s advertising in any way.
Tyrone Tribulations 