Category Archives: GAA
Dick Welding Ltd Confident Of Securing Tyrone GAA Sponsorship Despite Fears
Dick, welding.
Following the news that Hunky Dorys have decided not to renew their sponsorship deal with Tyrone GAA, Eskra firm Dick Welding Limited have emerged as firm favourites to take over the sponsorship but have braced themselves for a backlash amongst players and religious groups.
The firm, which was established in 1988 by Dick McMinn, also confirmed that due to limited space on the jerseys they will have to drop the Ltd bit and simply have ‘Dick Welding’ emblazoned on the front.
A current senior player and ex-minor star from Ardboe who did not wish to be named told us:
“There’s no way I’m taking to the field in a Tyrone jersey with Dick Welding on the front of it. Imagine the slagging around Ardboe. I’d nearly transfer to Derry before wearing that. If was hard enough wearing Hunky Dory whilst getting hammered down in Kerry.”
Dick Welding Ltd have also faced opposition from church leaders despite doing the welding on altar rails throughout the county since 2001. Fr Norny from Cappagh added:
“It’s bad enough with the whole Rose of Tralee stuff and then all them music videos with women wearing nothing and shaking themselves. Dick Welding sends out all the wrong vibes to young ones, like some kind of stuff you’d find in 50 Shades of Grey or them late night channels from 901-959, although 902 and 903 seem to be a bit tamer.”
Tyrone GAA officials confirmed they are seriously considering another offer from an international company. The rumour mill suggests it is ‘After Eights’ but with Tyrone’s failure to get past the last eight this year they are concerned that other counties will poke fun at this, so they may take up Dick Welding instead.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Tyrone Tribulations – 2 Years Old Tomorrow
Thank you to all readers and for the encouraging comments over the last 24 months.
We are approaching one million views and when the magic figure is reached shortly we plan to take a lengthy break and start chatting again to loved ones and even the unloved. What started out on August 22nd 2012 has snowballed a little more than I first envisaged.
We try our best to entertain anyone who reads without insulting anyone, their beliefs or their circumstances. Sometimes we fail (as funny as a kick in the balls someone once emailed!!!) but I think we mostly managed to create some humour that doesn’t belittle or take advantage of others’ misfortunes. That’s a hard task – normal cutting satire/shock factor is slightly easier! Humour is hit and miss and it’s hard to suit all tastes. We tried our best.
Also, we’ve tried to hard keep the topics as local as possible, with a couple of exceptions…..
I’d like to offer a big thank you to those who have helped me along the way – those who messaged suggestions for stories, to Oliver Corr and his team who put moving pictures to the words, to the invaluable Shengas McGlumphie who came on board in March 2013 and has kept producing top notch investigative journalism every week since, to Pat Muckles and Aughoughilley Schniffles, to Biddy Ann and Fr Riddle Lynn as well as anyone else who kept the stories coming.
Below are the top 10 news items in terms of views from the past 24 months from as far away as El Salvador, Uzbekistan and Derrylaughan.
Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Sky TV Lost An Estimated Half A Billion In Tyrone Since 2001
A rare sight in Tyrone
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Pay per view broadcaster SKY TV has reported that it haemorrhaged just under 500 million pounds since 2001 in ‘lost or stolen revenue’ in County Tyrone. Most of it is thought to be attributable to trade in illegal counterfeit box units.
An East Belfast based representative for Sky, Mr Philo-Farnsworth Jenkins, has told Tyrone Tribulations of the frustrations the Rupert Murdoch owned media company has had to face around mid-Ulster.
“We believe that the Carrickmore area is by far the worst offender for copyrighting issues. Only 3% housing we visited have actually admitted to even owning a television set, never mind pay per view packages. The majority even had dishes on the roofs. Our presence is hardly sustainable at this rate. When issuing notices to conform, we have received house-owner names such as Michael Mouse, The Man From God Knows Where, Napoleon Dynamite, Sean South, Vladimir Klitschko, Rupert Murdoch, Rupert The Bear, The Pope, Oz McCallan and we even had a Tiger Woods. It’s really not that funny.”
Jenkins has also spoken about the threats and unsafe conditions his drivers are facing in some parts of Tyrone.
“In the past four months, we have had a penis drawn on Homer Simpson’s forehead on one of our vans, and posters of an Irish footballer called Patrick Spillane stuck to five different windscreens. We’ve also actually had a van clamped by a youth of no more than 13 years of age – from where he got the clamp is still a mystery to the authorities. One of our employees conducting a door to door survey was even threatened with a gigantic wooden spoon as well as a hurling or shinty stick, and told to get out of the area. What is going wrong with NI youth these days? “
Mr Jenkins went on to say that typically the highest TV traffic bracket – week day mid-morning – is associated with a plethora of students and unemployed sitting at home drinking tea. He conceded that 97% of Tyrone homes not having a TV in this day and age is simply not credible:
“When you look at the nationwide viewing figures for Dr Phil, Jeremy Kyle and even Deal or No Deal, if it weren’t for the unemployed these programmes simply would not be on television. They would be replaced with more Homes Under The Hammer type stuff and yet Tyrone bucks the trend completely, with no one watching TV… You can laugh all you like but it is a serious matter.”
Also, despite the fact that GAA clubs throughout the island of Ireland have been offered a discount of some 30% to install a SKY box, only one GAA club anywhere – the PSNI Gaelic Athletic Club – has come forward to apply, though the club’s subscription money remains to be paid.
As local channel Ulster Television prepares to go south of the border, with first programmes due to air on January 1st 2015, UTV are preparing to install barriers and water cannon at their premises. They are expecting loitering and crowds to gather outside UTV house on the Ormeau Road over Christmas, as this can often be a quiet season for protesting.
What You Type In To Google To Find Tyrone Tribulations…..
In the run-up to our 2-year anniversary, I thought I’d share with you what the people of Tyrone (and beyond) type into google only to find our site. It makes for scary reading.
Some of the more memorable and a taste of Tyrone:
93 typed ‘hairy women’…old donkey (80)….accidental sex change (39)…..how’s she cuttin (28)…..plunkett donaghy (25)……women with hairy legs (19)….scania v8 (17)…..women in thigh boots (14)……smelly donkey (7)……massage parlours dungannon (7)…….how to build a castle (7)….cannibalism and eating women (6)……red diesel dippers (6)…..man sitting on donkey (6)…….how old is gareth gates (6)……dogs lifted in Beragh (5)…..realistic dragons (5)…..what’s the weather like in Carrickmore (5)……a man went to gortin fair to look for a goat (5)……top half fish bottom half human (5)…..ugly donkeys (4)…..girls with the most hairy legs in the world (4)…..ghost oh ardboe (4)……print monopoly money (4)……badger burger (3)…..big foreheads on donkeys (3)…..old women looking men in coalisland (3)…..what is the best meat for ateing (3)…….anyone who helps filling in DLA forms Tyrone (3)….the drink defies the man (3)……skunk meat (3)……women in coalisland at night (2) sandra bullocks hairy legs (1)….tell me all about fay lynette the irish broadcaster (1)….pensioners in thigh boots (1)…..bad things in donemana (1)….nathan carters teeth (1)….fat black mans arse (1)….how to make brandyball poteen (1)…sexy omagh women (1)…..how long is mass in ballygawley (1)…call girls in clogher (1)……fishing boat dungbag (1)….i want to live in ardboe (1)….the most extreme and exotic hairiest belly women in the world (1)…..sexy women farmers in wellies working on the farm (1)……dogging in killeeshil (1)……most dangerous male fugitives in this world who are very handsome (1)..she’s not at herself (1)…learn how to twerk in tyrone (1)
Derrytresk Handbag Woman Favourite For Tyrone Assistant Manager Job
2015 handbag
Following the decision by Tony Donnelly to step down as Tyrone assistant manager this week, Paddy Power has installed The Handbag Woman From The Hill as an unbackable odds-on favourite to stand alongside Mickey Harte on the sideline in 2015.
The woman, who has yet to be identified, is reportedly considering her options as revealing her identity might result in a van load of Dromid Pearses supporters driven by Declan O’Sullivan arriving in Derrytresk to confront her.
A Tyrone backroom official told us:
“Mickey feels that the current squad have lost a wee bit of steeliness and that maybe they need a fresh face to put the fear of God into them. Everyone agreed that there was only one person for the job and she resides in the lowlands near Tamnamore. Breaking the news to the players will have to be sensitively dealt with. I know for a fact that Kyle Coney has nightmares about this woman.”
Critics of the pending decision point to the fact that she hasn’t got a moustache and that nearly all Tyrone managers or assistants have possessed some form of facial hairiness since the 1980s. The unnamed official debunked this theory:
“That can be worked on. Anyway, they’ll not get as far as looking at her face. It’ll be what’s in her hand they’ll be keeping an eye on.”
Other applicants include Tony Donnelly again, Gerry Adams and a man from Moortown with a marvellous moustache.
Meanwhile, sources close to the woman in question have revealed that she has already placed an order for an even bigger handbag in one of the club books she gets.
Armagh Insurance Broker Cheekily Stokes Tensions In Moy
Nichol the Monday after Armagh beat Tyrone
An Armagh insurance broker has advertised for ‘insurance against heartbreak if Armagh win the All-Ireland’ in his popular shop in the Moy on the Tyrone/Armagh border.
Mal Nichol, who was the first referee to throw the ball up at the start of a game instead of a bishop in 1968, has been accused of winding up locals with his 30-foot digital advertisement in the middle of the village. Local insurance fanatic and Tyrone fan James Donaghy maintains he’s gone too far this time:
“Oul Mal would be tolerated around these parts as an Armagh man because he gives out deadly insurances. He even insured me against the wife. But he’s taking the biscuit now with this heartbreak offer. The small print says he’ll have a doctor x-ray the heart to see how broken it is if Ciaran McKeever lifts Sam in September. He’s just rubbing it in, so he is.”
Nichol was a track record of stoking tensions in the Moy after he advertised an insurance deal solely for Sean Cavanagh, offering ‘a great deal on holiday insurance for a July fortnight in Magaluf‘ in the run-up to the Armagh/Tyrone game on 13th July. Donaghy added:
“I have no doubt that it affected Sean’s performance that day. He had one eye on the insurance deal I think during the game. I even saw oul Mal in the crowd waving documents any time Sean looked towards him. He’s as cute as a fox.”
Nichol refused to talk directly to us but issued a statement informing us that ‘he has the best interests of the Moy populace at heart and would hate to see all the sad faces in September if they didn’t take up his heartbreak offer and Armagh become champions of Ireland’. He finished the fax with a smiley face.
Tyrone Man Sent Home From British Open After Series Of Allegedly Rude Comments
Coalisland man Jack Fitzgerald has been issued with a three-year Open Championship ban after officials got fed up of his series of rude jokes over 4 days at the Hoylake course.
Fitzpatrick, who claims he was just lightening up ‘a serious shower of people‘, was warned 14 times over the weekend before being evicted after a comment left Rory McIlroy visibly shook up on the 17th tee.
The comment which broke the patience of the Hoylake officials was when Fitzgerald innocently bellowed:
“you need to wash yer balls, Rory”
Rory had to take five minutes to chat to his psychologist before clinching his first British Open. Fitzgerald claims he was simply looking after his countryman and that he’d say the same to any Irish golfer after a wintery day on the course.
“This is another example of the PC brigade gone crazy. On Friday I was made to pay a fine of £40 after shouting ‘look at the size of his putter’ at Tiger Woods’ yoke. Then on Saturday I roared at Darren Clarke ‘that’s a quare and big hole you’re looking at’. His caddie went clean mad thinking I was slagging him. I was only trying to boost Darren’s confidence.”
Brackaville par 3 golf course have pledged to run a course on proper etiquette next week
Moy Couple To Appear On Jeremy Kyle Over Theft Of Gypsy Creams
The source of the strife
Following the appearance of a Derry couple recently on The Jeremy Kyle Show over marital shenanigans, a Moy man and his wife are to go on the show to finally find out who has been secretly eating half a packet of Gypsy Creams after dinner every Sunday.
Colin MacKill, a high ranking official at the local GAA club, and his wife Sheila have been enjoying a blissful partnership apart from Sunday evenings when the Gypsy Cream fiasco kicks off every week without fail.
Sheila, who has been accepted onto one of Richard Branson’s space flights in the near future, is adamant the lie detector test is a waste of time:
“This is ridiculous. Colin goes out to the shed every Sunday at 6pm and comes back in with chocolate all over his face. All over his face! Even his teeth are brown for a couple of hours. Going on this show is madness. I know he’s eating the Gyspy Creams. How come he never is hungry then for a salad cream sandwich before bed?”
Colin, an avid one-mile runner, is steadfast on his reasons for going on the show:
“This needs to be sorted once and for all. She goes on about the shed thing but sure I’m just out oiling chains and stuff. Every time I come back in she’s chewing away in front of the TV and half a packet of the Gypsy Creams are gone. And she’s not chewing the cud as she says. This lie-detector test will settle it. Great publicity for The Moy too.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone couple will have appeared on Kyle’s show. In 2006, an Aughnacloy couple went on to prove who was passing wind and rifting during the night. A CCTV camera proved it was Mrs Gildernew.
Tyrone GAA Golden Generation Breeding Programme Details Revealed
Garvaghey Room of Love
A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
Morgan concluded:
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
Most Tyrone People Still In Bed After Armagh Defeat
Coalisland at 11am
Following their harrowing three-point defeat to neighbours Armagh, it was reported that by midday today only three Tyrone people had ventured out of their house and one of those was to lock the front gates.
The loss, which sees Tyrone exit the championship in mid July, comes on top of the cancelled Brooks concerts, leaving locals with little to look forward to apart from a weekend in Bundoran here and there.
Trisha Mullen from Benburb described the scene:
“It’s a deadly quiet place at the minute. The roads are empty for fear of seeing an Armagh person. No one wants to talk even. I thought I spotted movement in a hedge near Eglish but that could have been anything. My husband did set one foot out but an Armagh Carpets van drove past and he got teary eyed and said ‘feck that’ and went back to bed. There’ll not be many fields cut this week.”
Psychologist and Armagh fanatic Dr Tony Fearon reckons the double whammy of Brooks and Tyrone will have shattered even the most resilient Tyronnie. Speaking from his house in Portadown, he added:
“It’s a severe blow to the Tyrone psyche. All that’s left now is reruns of Glenroe and slagging each other. Rub it up them I say.”
Producers of a remake of The Good The Bad And the Ugly have moved quickly and filmed several scenes in ‘ghost towns’ across the county.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone management have scotched rumours that Mickey Harte plans to give every man in the county a game by the time he retires in 2020, in order to raise spirits. Spokesman Pat Quinn fumed:
“Hardly everyone, like. It’d be suicide sticking a lame 80-year old on that big McKeever lump from Armagh. He’d ate him.”
Anarchy In Tyrone As Post-Brooks Stress Hotline Set Up. Bonfires and Screaming On The Rise.
Carrickmore man, earlier
Government officials have urged all affected Tyronians to stay calm and think of their favourite place after news emerged that all Garth Brooks concerts have been cancelled.
Police have already had to contend with an outbreak of unpleasantness with reports of bonfires being set alight all over the county, with fans burning excess cowboy hats and boots as well as old CDs of Brooks’ greatest hits. They have urged anyone looking to wreck anything to phone their special Post-Brooks Stress hotline, a condition quickly diagnosed by a doctor in Coalisland.
Brooks fanatic Marie Herron admitted she was at her wit’s end:
“I just can stop running around and screaming. What the hell are we going to do now this summer? That’s not just the summer ruined, it’s the whole year and possibly the decade. I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow.”
Screaming and running about seems to be the first sign of Post-Brooks Stress Disorder, before it turns violent and victims begin to wreck and burn things. In Kildress, it has been reported that nearly everything not tied down has been set alight including cattle and trailers. UTV cameramen have confirmed they have footage of three men in Carrickmore crying valleys of tears at the news, before punching each other.
One, a talented electrician, told them:
“I’m not bothered about Brooks. It’s the side effects. I’ll have to tramp around Dublin Zoo or something now with herself that weekend.”
Local politicians have called an emergency meeting of all elected councillors to decide on their next move, with talk of a march to Dublin high on the agenda. They have also set up a fund-raising committee to help pay for those out of pocket because of the £1 handling fee on Ticketmaster.
Meanwhile Mickey Harte has called on his players to ‘Do It For Garth’ this Sunday against Armagh. County officials have also urged supporters to bring their cowboy hats and shoes to the game and pretend it’s the concert they were supposed to be going to as it might be their only day out this year.
New Moygashel GAA Club ‘True Blues GFC’ Formed
True Blues GFC training
Against all the odds, Moygashel have successfully applied to become part of the GAA landscape after their club ‘True Blues GFC’ were finally affiliated as an operating GAA club as of July 12th 2014.
Moygashel, who have suffered from unwanted publicity recently, will play their first friendly against Carrickmore on the 11th night, followed by games against Coalisland Fianna, Ardboe O’Donovan Rossa and Galbally Pearses to get them acclimatised to the Tyrone county scene. The move comes after Stormont agreed a multi-million pound investment in new facilities in Moygashel including a floodlit pitch and changing rooms with individual showers.
Manager Wesley Frazer was hopeful of a positive start to life in the GAA arena:
“I know we’d have a reputation for being a bit on the Loyalist/Unionist side of the Ulster political divide but we want True Blues GFC to be the start of folk forgetting these silly tags people place on certain enclaves in the province. We have a few good ballers who are sick of the way soccer is almost now non-contact so we’re going to try our hand at the GAA and get wired into some fenians in a nice friendly way. The Carrickmore game will be explosive. I suppose I shouldn’t use that word.”
True Blues GFC will use the motto Fidelitate et honore, terra et mare which means ‘loyalty and honour on land and sea’ and their crest will have elements of the culture from the area including the Queen’s face, a bonfire and graffiti.
Frazer, who recently served time in Maghaberry for tobacco smuggling, predicts a great 11th night festival and has offered Carrickmore supporters a safe and warm welcome:
“This could be Northern Ireland turning a corner. We’ll provide crisps and mineral for the Carrickmore lads and if they want they can stay on and watch the bonfire, singing and the odd military show of strength.”
There has been a mixed reception in Carrickmore to the news of the upcoming fixture. Captain Cathal Gormley admitted:
“I’m crapping myself, and I’ve been to Ardboe.”
Hugh O’Neill Had Soft Spot For Armagh, Claims Historian
An oldie…
Hugh had a soft spot for Keady
A Tattyreagh historian, Thaddy Horridge, has claimed that Hugh O’Neill (also known as The Great O’Neill) had a bit of a notion for Armagh and even liked Derry people ‘a bit’. This revelation has come as an enormous shock to O’Neills in the county as well as the majority of the county’s natives from all clans, with the Donnellys and O’Hagans suggesting he should be stripped of his lofty title as one of the greatest leaders the country has ever seen. Horridge revealed he possesses secret documents supposedly written by Hugh which details a weekend away he had in Keady as well as a meeting he had with a boy from Swatragh.
“It’s obvious from the correspondence I have in my possession that Hugh wasn’t the wholesome Tyrone man he has been made out to be. In one letter he says he headed…
View original post 213 more words
Tyrone and Armagh In Amazing 12th of July Gesture
It’ll sort of look like this
In a proposal some are calling one of the most important peace gestures in Irish history, Tyrone and Armagh GAA boards are considering combining their potential July 12th Round 2 Qualifier clash with the Twelfth celebrations on the field of play.
The scenario will only take place if Monaghan defeat Armagh in their replayed Ulster semi-final this weekend, with bookmakers reckoning this scenario will be the likely outcome.
Both county board met yesterday to thrash out an agreement on the proposal with the following details confirmed as definite:
- Instead of St Michael’s Enniskillen, the players will march behind a lone Lambeg drummer, playing any tune he likes
- Both sets of players will march wearing a sash in their county colours
- The National Anthem will be replaced by The Sash My Father Wore
- A bonfire will be lit in the corner of the field at half time with no flags to be burnt, just rubbish and spare tyres donated by spectators
- Free beer cans for all in attendance
Tyrone spokesman, Kenny Nelis, explained the gesture:
“We in the GAA pride ourselves with forward thinking and this is just a natural extension of that. There are other proposals we are considering so don’t take that list as a definite. There’s talk of marching back to the changing rooms after the game is over, if the players are fit for it. This will be a special day for everyone.”
A stumbling block has surfaced though as Armagh have demanded they walk their tradition route on the outside, closest to the crowd. However, Tyrone are refusing to also give up their right to the outside lane and there are concerns there’ll be a stand-off. PSNI officials have reminded both county boards that they’ll employ water cannons if an impasse is reached on this issue.
Biting On The Rise In County Since Suarez Incident
In another example of the power of television having an effect on its audience, the PSNI have reported a 500% rise in biting in the county since the news broke of Uruguayan hungry-man Luis Suarez’s attempted to take a lump out of an Italian’s shoulder last week.
The most common scenario at the time of reporting appears to be wives taking lumps out of their husbands after arriving home late from the pub or social gatherings. Other examples include post men and women biting dogs, referees biting serial offenders on the field of play and irritated grandparents gnawing on boisterous children.
Drumquin painter and decorator Kieran McGahey found it hard to contain his anger at the South American’s on-field antics:
“That’s three days running I’ve come home slightly late from O’Kanes only to be met at the door by herself with her teeth stripped already. Last night it was my ear that got a touch. When will this madness end? There are fellas out there walking around with all sorts of organs dented. And it’s the women who are the worst for it. Biting like rabid animals.”
Sion Mills carpenter and Castlederg full forward Francey Lowe described the novel technique now employed by GAA referees:
“We were playing Aghaloo the other night and the ref warned me if I flailed another elbow he’d bite me. I thought he was codding but lo and behold didn’t I flail again and he comes over and bites me on the chest. I was in so much shock I let him do it too. What’s the world coming to? To be fair I fairly behaved myself after that.”
Newtownstewart priest Fr Mackle released a statement in the parish bulletin last night regarding the upsurge in biting. He stated that although he was not condoning the biting epidemic, the clergy will think long and hard about including the technique for those who don’t throw money into the basket.
Romance Expert Reckons Brolly Possibly Infatuated With Sean Cavanagh
Unlikely romance?
One of Ireland’s leading body language and relationship psychologists has claimed she is 99% convinced Joe Brolly may actually have romantic inclinations towards Tyrone midfielder Sean Cavanagh, despite recent uncomplimentary remarks by the Dungiven barrister.
Susan LeMonde, who has councelled many high profile personalities from Hollywood to Howth, has studied hours of footage since 2003 and maintains Brolly spends 39% of air time per year talking about Cavanagh. In an interview with an Ulster pirate radio station, she revealed some of the telltale signs:
“One of the first pieces of evidence is the squirming. Joe will wriggle and wobble when Cavanagh’s name is brought up. His excitement is palpable but he provides a smokescreen by making derogatory remarks about his object of desire. For example, when he declared that Cavanagh wasn’t ‘a man’ last year, I think he accidentally revealed a deep-rooted desire for Sean to actually be a woman so that his possible fantasies would appear less odd. That’s my take on it any way.”
LeMonde went on to explain why the County of Tyrone have been at the brunt of Brolly outbursts in recent years:
“Again, this is just my theory but I believe Joe is envious of the entire county. He maybe sees Tyrone as a love rival which Sean appears to be devoted to. It’s an understandable reaction and explains the fist-pumping and red-faced excitement when he gets the chance of dissect a Tyrone defeat and dance on their grave. I think Brolly still hangs on to the hope that Cavanagh retires soon in frustation and is sitting on the couch beside him at RTE headquarters with his gelled hair.”
When asked how these types of infatuations usually end, LeMonde suggested Brolly will make an obvious slip-up in front of the cameras, possible by mistakenly calling him ‘sweetheart’ or ‘my honey’ during another hatchet-job.
Augher/Clogher 2022 World Cup Bid Rejected
An oldie but topical
Residents in Augher and Clogher woke today to the disappointing news that Fifa have rejected their joint bid to host the 2022 World Cup at the first round of eliminations. The ambitious project was hoping to see off rivals Argentina, Australia and China but fell short in what Fifa described as ‘major accomodation issues’. Augher Lord Mayor Jackie McKenna, who headed the bid, announced the decision from Fifa this morning outside the Spar:
“We are bitterly disappointed. My committee put a lot of effort in to taking pictures of fields and makeshift pitches, put them all onto a PowerPoint and sent it in an email. Finding someone who could do all that computer stuff wasn’t easy. Although this is a set-back, we will regroup and perhaps target the 2024 Olympics. We will bring a major world event to Tyrone, mark my words.”
Plans were made for successful bid
Fifa sent…
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Coalisland Silver Band Drafted In After Armagh Brawl
Coalisland drummers practice
The Ulster Council have confirmed that for the potentially fiery Monaghan/Tyrone game they’re considering replacing St Michael’s Enniskillen Band with the infamous Coalisland Silver Band whose drummers are known for their fighting skills and general ‘taking no crap’ appearance.
The move comes after Armagh and Cavan players brawled just as the young Enniskillen band prepared to launch into The Boys of the County Armagh for the pre-match parade. A flag dispute has been identified as the reason for the punch-up but body language experts agreed that a few heavy hitters along the back line of drummers would solve any future disagreements.
Marching band fanatic Frank Hurson from Pomeroy explained:
“It is an old tactic we have used up in Pomeroy for decades. If there was a chance of things kicking off between two rivals, we’d (Pomeroy Pipe Band) have replaced our whole rear drummer line with the drummers from the Coalisland Silver Band. Rumour has it they were much sought after in Uruguay and Chile during the 1960s when their club football pre-match parades were riddled with mass brawls and maimings.”
Ardboe octogenarian Felix Quinn reminded authorities of the importance of a muscular drumming corp. Remembering the Battle of the Battery in 1971 when Moortown and Ardboe players fought for four hours after a musical difference during the parade, he warned:
“It’s vital the Ulster Council act now. In ’71 the Moortown lads objected to our flute band playing ‘Mary, The Moortown Harlet’ around the field even though it was a favourite around our parts. They charged at the drum lads at the back but we had infiltrated the musicians with our toughest reserves. Bloodbath. The Coalisland Silver Band are ideal for these Monaghan mountain men.”
Meanwhile, rumours persist that Mickey Harte will make a few fringe players camp out overnight in Clones in order to secure the outside line during the parade. He has denied meeting with Ardoyne protestors to ask for tips.
Tyrone Tribulations 
