Category Archives: Urney

Descendant Of St Patrick Claims He Wasn’t Much Of A Drinker

st-patrick1An Urney man, who claims he’s the last living descendant of Saint Patrick, maintains the national saint wasn’t all that fussed on alcohol and was also an opponent of fracking but liked stupid knock knock jokes.

Dessie Jones, who claims a direct lineage from St Patrick and walks around Urney wearing green cloaks, mitre and a staff, reckons his ancestor wouldn’t be all that bothered on the whole celebrations malarky but loved the sort of music More Power To Your Elbow play:

“Aye, stories have been passed down about our Paddy. He was some character by all accounts but a bit ruthless with animals he didn’t like. The snakes didn’t stand a chance as soon as one of them ate a hole in his favourite tunic. Also, one sip of the hard stuff and he was under the table. I couldn’t see him wetting the day with a few black ones but loved the fiddledy dee music and shouted ‘yeoooo’ a lot.”

Dessie was quick to point out that Patrick wasn’t a party pooper:

“No, quite the opposite I’m led to believe. My father said he was supposedly a deadly man for tripping people by sticking a foot out from under a hedge. And he was a sucker for the knock knock jokes. His favourite was the atheist one: ‘Knock Knock‘. ‘Who’s there?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Must have been the wind‘. As I said he was some joker, our Paddy.”

Jones reminded people that Patrick had strong views on fracking and wouldn’t be surprised if he made it rain for 200 days on Fermanagh if it goes ahead.

“Two things our Paddy hated. Fracking and people eating with their mouths open. I’m also told he had a brilliant throw and could hurl rocks at police accurately from 100 yards away.”

Urney have confirmed they will honour St Patrick with a whiskey tasting session after Mass.

Jiving Injuries Getting Worse As Brooks Concert Approaches

Brutal crash in dance, Brutal Crash im Tanz, Accident brutal dans la danse

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Hospital authorities across the county have issued a plea to Tyrone residents to ‘calm down a bit’ on the dancing, as a four-fold increase in ‘jiving-related injuries’ put hospital services at breaking point at the weekend.

It is thought that the increasing popularity of local singers such as Nathan Carter, Derek Ryan and Lisa McHugh, combined with the forthcoming Garth Crooks concerts, have thrown residents into a frenzy of what many have euphemistically referred to as ‘dancing’.

“We’re on high alert”, admitted hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “It’s like a bizarre but very worrying form of hypnosis, particularly in some of the men. Put on ten seconds of ‘Wagon Wheel’, and suddenly they’re thirty years younger and John Travolta. You should see them. At best it’s 250 quid off of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ and at worse a 10-day spell in traction. Have they no sense? What makes them think that if their hips are clicking one minute, they can do a back flip the next? Holy Smokes”.

Crisis point was reached following the announcement of the Garth Brooks tour dates.

“Since then, we’re just swamped with injuries”, said Quinn. “Last Friday night we had admissions of a whole lock of different accidents at pubs and clubs, from dislocated wrists to sprained backs, locked knees, and broken ankles. And that’s just from people getting out of their stools. The actual jiving injuries were even worse”.

Authorities now fear that the outbreak has spread to domestic premises.

“We’re getting more and more call-outs to people’s homes”, admitted paramedic Aiden Mullan from Trillick. “We got an emergency call to Urney last Thursday and were treating this one boy for convulsions. Turns out that was just him tryin’ to throw some shapes to ‘Friends in Low Places’. Jaysus, we thought he had swallowed his tongue. And then on Sunday, this one in Seskinore had grabbed his missus after Sunday lunch when ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ came on the radio. He tried to spin her round and ended up catapulting her straight through the conservatory window. Poor woman. We were picking glass out of her arse for hours”.

Hospital authorities have confirmed that they are to remain on high alert throughout spring or ‘until people wise up’. Meantime, radio broadcasters have been cautioned against ‘inciting people to jive’, with Hugo Duncan having already received a formal reprimand for deliberately playing ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ without a health warning.

New ‘Super-Councils’ With Extended Powers Raises Confusion Over Magical Superpowers

Barry McElduff?

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

The news that 11 new super-Councils are to be created throughout Northern Ireland from the existing 26 and that each is to be given extended powers, has resulted in hundreds of people throughout Tyrone believing that the Councils are actually to be granted magical superpowers.

Following the publication at the weekend of a survey by the Irish Council for Statistics, it appears that entire villages have caught the wrong end of the stick, with an alarming 16% of residents believing that council staff might turn into levitating, shape-shifting, fire-breathing oddballs, all at the tax payer’s expense.

56-year old Harry Patterson of Cabragh told us,

“Being given superpowers like time travel and trigonometry and the like is a bridge too far. It’s a breach of my human rights. I don’t want them council ones spying on me when I’m out in the shed doing stuff. Not that I’m doing anything wrong like. And certainly not with that woman from next door. There’s nothin’ wrong with being neighbourly, you know”, he said defensively.

The view was shared by Jacinta Ferguson, a 42-year old housewife from Urney.

“It’s a waste of damn time. I don’t want the council coming round, self-spawning all over my front garden or manipulating gravity and stuff, when all I want is my gutters rodded. They should get their priorities right”.
“If they end up having superpowers like Spider-Man there’s no saying where it could end”, agreed Tony Laverty from Windmill. “We can’t have people suddenly going into slow motion like in ‘The Matrix’ at the drop of a hat, can we? It would be like that TV programme where all them weird-looking hoors have amazing superpowers. ‘Mastermind’, that’s it”.

Others concurred.

“We might end up with Barry McElduff waltzing through Carrickmore wearing a Batman outfit, and then where would be?” declared Deirdre Hughes from Drumquin. “I have no wish to see that man in tights, let me tell you that. I’m not making that mistake again. If them councillors want a superpower then they can go and teleport themselves to feck”.

Some were more circumspect, with a keen interest in what the superpowers might be.

“Will you maybe be able to get x-ray vision specs from the council?” enquired a 58-year old man from Trillick who didn’t want to be named. “That would be handy right enough, for, like, all sorts of things. And would you be able to see through like material, like say, I don’t know, clothes and suchlike? Just asking”. He added, “And a couple of them super-strength ones like The Hulk could rightly work some wonders for the St Macartan’s hi. Has anyone told Mickey Harte about this?”

58 year old Rebecca O’Neill from Brantry however was much less positive, snorting,

“They should go and speak to the Roads Department. Have you seen the state of my street? In my opinion they’ve been practising invisibility for bloody years”.

The new councils are expected to come into effect in a few months time.

Dregish Psychic To Give Up Clairvoyanting After Complaints From Spirit World

Nuala

Nuala

  SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

A local clairvoyant has given in to pressure to stop pestering the souls of the departed after numerous complaints were made via another medium.

58-year old Nuala Brannigan from Dregish has been communicating with the spirit world for 35 years, but agreed yesterday to give it up after an unprecedented number of complaints.

Niall O’Neill, an 800-year old ghost originally of Cloughfin, said,

“She’s a pain in the arse. She’s always on the ouija board asking what the football results are going to be, or the Lotto numbers. As if we know. Just last week she was wanting to know where she had put her Heat magazine, and then blaming us lot for having shifted it. Gadzooks. Can she not just leave us alone? We’re fed up with being pestered. I’ve a whole lock of haunting and ghostly rattling to be getting on with and can hardly do it with that woman bending my ear all the time. And anyway, what’s a Heat magazine? And a football?”

550-year old hangman Ezra Maguire agreed.

“In the olden days people used to enquire about loved ones they had lost or maybe the whereabouts of a sentimental family heirloom. This woman’s constantly demanding ‘horse race winners’ this, or ‘Winning Streak’ that. Anyway, what century is it?”

Conor Kendall, who died in a baking accident in 1963, told us:

“I came into limbo expecting to get a bit of peace and quiet, and it’s nothing of the sort. I’ve got a ‘ghostly haunting’ exam this Friday and I haven’t even bought any chains yet”.

The challenges of being from another world were also pointed out by Kevin the Terrible, a former Viking from Urney who died in 2009.

“It’s not easy being spooky”, he agreed. “Last night I was out working walking the ramparts near the Rock for about eight hours. Jaysus, I was foundered. Well, I would have been if it wasn’t for the fact I’m already dead. It took my ectoplasm an age to thaw out. And to cap it all I had that woman Brannigan inside my bap asking where her car keys were”.

In her defence, Brannigan replied,

“Ah, come on. All I’m after is a wee bit of information most of the time. Where’s the harm in that? It’s the only option I’ve got, because the internet signal in Dregish is rubbish so I can’t get Google. And I’m hardly going to go all the way to Dungannon library to find out how to change the sump on my washing machine if I can get it from the undead”.

The ghost world confirmed that the last straw came on Monday after Brannigan spent over an hour harassing spirits about a number of different topics, including whether Tyrone’s new A5 road extension will ever get built, what setting to use for making a Baked Alaska, and the answer to Channel 4’s Countdown conundrum.

Tanning Studio In Strabane Closed Down Following Customer Complaints

 BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

article-0-12CDD1A6000005DC-913_634x522A controversial retail outlet which opened in Strabane last week was temporarily closed by health officials on Monday pending an investigation into lack of safety practices and potential impropriety.

‘The Tan in Strabane’, a tanning studio in Urney Road, owned and operated by farmer Eamon Nugent, was investigated by trading standard officials from Omagh following numerous complaints.

Nugent defended his shop putting it down to what he called ‘teething troubles’.

“I’ve been in the tanning industry a long time”, he said. “Twice to Benidorm and a week in Bundoran last July during that boiling hot spell. Mighty. There’s not much I don’t know about getting a tan”.

Customers have accused the services of falling far below their expectations, including the ‘Super Deluxe All-Over Tanning Booth’, which consisted of Toner in a pair of dungarees holding two roller brushes and a bucket of what apparently looked suspiciously like creosote.

“Creosote? How dare you. Not in my establishment”, bristled Nugent. “I use nothing but the finest products. Anyway, if it was good enough for 200 yards of timber fence, it’s good enough for some of the wemin round these parts. Thon last coat went on in 2008 and it still looks like new. What are they complaining about?”

Other complaints relate to the ‘Nail & Beauty Bar’, consisting of a pair of pliers, a wire brush, and some sandpaper. Nugent was also accused of over-charging a generously-proportioned customer for a tanning session on account of her size.

“Aye, she was a big unit all right”, admitted Nugent. “I told her that because of the extra beef on her she’d get charged more so I slapped on an extra tenner. Materials aren’t free you know. Should have charged her per square foot. I’d have made a buckin’ fortune”.

Trading standards official Ronan Docherty, said,

“What are people playing at anyway, trying to get tan round these parts? It’s hardly Donaghmore is it? They’re not wise in Strabane. They’re trying to compete with all these Europeans types that have moved here when everyone knows that Strabane people can do two colours – tomato or snow. Half them ones that went to that shop would get burnt looking a picture of the moon. Eejits”.

The salon is closed until further notice.

Released 1986 Files Reveals British Fear Of Tyronnies

Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink

Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink

Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.

When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.

The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:

  • The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
  • Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned beef.
  • Loughmacrory men used a petrol cologne before going to dances
  • Urney was a no-go area for Strabanese locals

Winklebottom admitted meeting a Tyronnie on the streets of London had most MPs tossing and turning at night:

“Do you know scientists in 1986 were sure that a Tyrone woman could wrestle a bear and defeat it? They carried out 3 experiments and all 3 times, the woman from Dromore won. And the men were all into Boomtown Rats, Springsteen and the Undertones, and dressed accordingly. We’ve always had trouble with Tyrone going back 1000 years now and if they’d mobilised the whole of Tyrone in 1983 we’d have been hammered. Then Johnny Logan arrived on the scene and they softened a bit.”

Other secret revelations and plans from 1986 included:

  • Fly Frank McGuigan over from America to give the restless locals something to go and watch at the weekends.
  • Build a Nuclear Power Station at the Washingbay
  • Reclaim Ballinderry
  • Amalgamate Augher and Clogher to create Claugher.
  • Make the Chopper bicycle the new county coat of arms

The catalogue of files for 1986-197 will be publicly available online on PRONI website from Tuesday 27 December 2013 and files will be available to view at PRONI from Friday 30 December.

Spontaneous Re-Enactment Of Scene From ‘Ghost’ Leaves Urney Wife Unimpressed

Ghost Oh!

Ghost Oh!

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

A husband’s efforts to romantically create a famous scene from a famous movie went largely unappreciated by his wife.

Sean McAleer, a 58 year old mechanic from Urney, returned home from work on Tuesday to find his wife Anne preparing the evening meal, and decided upon an impromptu homage to ‘Ghost’, the award-winning 1990 movie featuring Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg.

“Well, I had had a couple of swift ones after work, see”, he explained. “I got home and I thought Anne would like a wee thrill while she was making my tea. We’ve a big tub of Swarfega heavy duty hand-cleaner that sits in the larder, so I lubed up the hands and went straight in for a wee cuddle singing the song from the ‘Ghost’ fillum. Anne was kneading dough for the apple crumble and I knew she’d like a wee thrill”.

His wife however had a somewhat different perspective of events.

“The bollix was pished. He could hardly walk. These big manky hands appeared round my waist and he started singing, ‘You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling’. Jaysus, there was a powerful smell of the drink off him. And it’s not even the right song, the eejit. I ended up with apple peelings all down my jumper”.

Sean said he was inspired both by the smash hit movie ‘Ghost’ and by a recent show him and his wife attended at the Banter Theatre in Dungannon, where producer Oliver Carr sold out 7 nights with his Tyrone adaptation of the movie, called ‘Ghost Oh’.

“I’ve always loved that ‘Ghost’ movie”, said McAleer. “Patrick Swayze was class with all the deadly dancin and high kicks and suchlike. ‘Ghost Oh’ was even better though. It’s about these dead eels that haunt Irish Dancers in Moortown”.

In a separate incident last week, McAleer was questioned by police after trying to re-create the Mylie Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball’ video in the middle of Dungannon Park, using an old space hopper, a claw hammer, and some blue rope.

GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.

Derrytresk Goat, this morning

The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.

A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:

“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”

At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.

“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”

Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:

“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”

The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.

Grand Theft Auto Ardboe “Too Realistic” For Public Consumption

400px-Grand-Theft-Auto-Series copyGrand Theft Auto, the controversial video game which sees players take on the role of criminals and work their way through the ranks within gangland warfare, has admitted that they made a grave error trying to replicate the trials and tribulations of the Ardboe Underground.

Early reports of French, Chinese and American teenagers taking weeks off school to recover after playing only three hours of GTA Ardboe has not gone down well with its executives and media watchdogs across the globe. Issues such as diesel laundering, poteen making, bru-dodging, eel-breeding and general codology has proven to be a step too far for hardcore gamers from Florida to Finland.

Francois LeMan, a 17-year old Parisian hardcore hood, found it hard to talk about his psychological condition:

“Sacre Bleu. These Ardboe ones are, how do you say it in Ireland, ‘mad hoors’. You breed mad deadly eels. I don’t play games any more. I’m off to Lourdes.”

Level two of GTA Ardboe, which sees the game-player indulge in tractor-diffing and stealing neighbour’s gates on Halloween night, was described by high ranking American officials as ‘complete mind-numbing depravity’. A spokesman for President Obama admitted:

“Yes, Barack did play it to see what the fuss was. He loved the ‘Slabberin At Moortown Ones’ level but thought the ‘Using Cooking Oil As Fuel’ task was too unrealistic.”

GTA Urney has also been discontinued because of its ‘Takin The Head Clane Off Strabane Sigerson Full Forwards’ level.

Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013

classifieds1

ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.

URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.

KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300

DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90

MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30

DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.

OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100

BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40

KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.

BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.

GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30

AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700

ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8

CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Clady Man Caught Out By Legit ‘One Direction’ Tickets Email Scam

Mad about Clady

Mad about Clady

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

E-mail users throughout Tyrone have been asked to be on the alert for a dangerous email which is currently circulating in thousands of unsuspecting inboxes across the county.

Police have warned that the email which has the heading, ‘Two Free One Direction Tickets’, should not under any circumstances be opened, as it contains two free One Direction tickets.

“It’s tara”, said 62 year old pig farmer Connor Cunningham from the Urney Road. “I expected it to be one of those scam emails that tries to sell you Viagara or has got pitchers of nudie wummin and suchlike. To be honest I just opened it for the craic. I was horrified when I found out it contained two free genuine One Direction tickets. Well, I can’t not go, can I? It would be a bit rude. To be honest I’ve no idea who those One Direction lads. Are they a bit like The Chieftains?”

Cunningham’s brother in law, Noel MacIlreavy, muttered, “People were saying you couldn’t give these tickets away. Well apparently you can. Just email it to a bunch of eejits like Connor and someone will fall for it. Have you seen the state of him walking about in his wellies with his big ball of blue rope? He’s not wise. If he turns up at the Odyssey Arena like that, people’ll think he’s the child catcher out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”.

Upon being told that One Direction are one of the biggest teen sensations to hit the music charts since Christy Moore teamed up with Declan Sinnott, Connor said,

“Ah now, I don’t hold with all that buck leapin’ around on stage like you see on the TV, lickin’ their lips and grabbin’ themselves and singin’ all that jangly music. I’ll have my electric cattle prod with me. Any of that nonsense and they’ll get 10,000 volts up their jacksies. They’ll be grabbin’ themselves then all right”.

Cunningham however remains adamant that he will take up the offer from the anonymous ticket donor.

“Normally I’d be worried about the expense of getting the bus down to Belfast, but I’m not too bothered”, said Connor. He confided, “See, between you and me I also had an email from this African boy wanting to deposit some money somewhere safe and he’s going to give me a whole lock of pounds. I’ve already given him my bank details. I think I’m going to get surprise next time I go to the cashpoint. Deadly”.

When contacted about the email, a One Direction spokesman revealed that it has been a long-term ambition of the band to play in Clady some time.

Urney Pub Manager Determined To Improve ‘Customer Experience’ After Attending Marketing Course

McGee's in Urney

McGee’s in Urney

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

The manager of a local bar in Urney has launched a marketing campaign in a determined effort to improve the quality of service to its customers. Paul Taggart, who runs McGee’s Bar in the hamlet, decided to improve the pub after having attended a 1-day marketing course in Omagh last month. He denies that he is using big words he learned on the course without knowing what they mean.

Launched with the slogan, ‘Come to McGee’s. You Won’t Get Better’, Taggart said,

“We really want to dynamise the whole customer experience and start taking a collaborative approach with the clientele. That’s why we’re going to put fresh sawdust down in the bogs once a week from now on. And we’ve also got some of them deadly wee blue things to stick in the urinals, like they’ve got in the upmarket bars in Donaghmore. McGee’s is going places. Make no mistake”.

He went on,

“We need some actionable strategies that will help give people a relaxed and tranquil environment, that makes them want to come in and get completely hammered”.

Locals however have not responded well to the new approach, with many customers saying that the decision to start serving fancy cocktails such as lager and lime, and stocking new-fangled flavoured crisps like Worcester sauce was ‘a bridge too far’. One anonymous regular complained that after having been forcibly ejected from McGee’s on Friday for making favourable comments about Joe Brolly, Taggart asked him to complete a questionnaire on his ‘experience’.

“Listen to this”, fumed the 58-year old borderline alcoholic. “‘On a scale of 1 to 10 how satisfied are you with the way you were thrown into the schuch?’ Any more of that shite and I’ll take a collaborative approach to slapping him in the bake. That bollox has gone on thon course and come back with his mouth full of marbles”.

Another customer who also asked not to be named said he was asked by Taggart whether the ambience of the bar lived up to his expectations.

 “I wouldn’t have minded, but I was vomiting all over my own legs at the time. There’s a time and a place. Jaysus, I must’ve had a skinful”.

It’s a transitional project”, admitted Taggart, who said that the questionnaire was aimed at his ‘target demographic’ which are regulars who frequently become angry with inanimate objects, or loudly claim to be an expert on things they know nothing about when sober.

Row Brewing Over Tyrone’s Garvaghey Complex ‘Memory Cabinet’

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Kevin McCabe – 1984

The previously smooth-running Garvaghey Complex has hit a major speed-bump after tempers frayed this evening during the unveiling of a new ‘Memory Cabinet’ in the west wing. Accusations of bias towards certain clubs almost resulted in blows being thrown with one man labelling the atmosphere ‘deadly like’.

Pat Carabine, a member of the Urney club, put across his impression of the whole handling:

“Why are there all these East Tyrone things in the cabinet? Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1984. Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1986. Art McCrory’s monkey hat from 1986. Sure what did them boys ever win really? Why not John Lynch’s mullet? I’m told that McCabe did not donate his 1986 moustache at all and that what we’re looking at is Damien O’Hagan’s moustache from around the same time. The thing’s a farce”.

Francis Skeffington from Brackaville hit back, accusing West Tyrone of sour grapes:

“Them boys have had it too good for too long. I think the cabinet looks class and for me Sean McNally’s pants from the 1985 loss to Derry takes pride of place. It’s not all East Tyrone anyway. Aidan Skelton’s upside down handlebar moustache is there as well as a lump of Mikey Sheehy’s shoulder blade which was extracted by Noel McGinn in 86 whilst the ball was up the other end. They need to dry their eyes”.

The Garvaghey Complex Memory Cabinet Committee have rejected accusations of focusing mostly on moustaches, neglecting memorabilia such as medals, boots and jerseys:

“We just wanted to be different. There were some brilliant moustaches back then. Sean Donnelly, Mickey Mallon and then you have a few locks from Plunkett Donaghy’s majestic mop. Sure that’s what we all remember. We’re just disappointed Declan McCrossan didn’t donate his ’97 moustache to ease the West Tyrone accusations of bias”.

The Memory Cabinet is open at all times and punters are allowed to look at it for free for 10 mins with a £2 per min charge after that.

Dullest Man in Urney ‘Mad for The Craic’ As Mid-Life Crisis Threatens

Typical Urney man

Typical Urney man

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A mind-numbingly boring man from Urney has surprised friends and family by embarking on what he has declared as being “a series of extraordinarily reckless adventures” as a result of a mid-life crisis.

 “I suppose my life has been a bit dreary” admitted 43 year old Terence ‘Driller’ McDiarmid, an assistant accountant from Urney, “But all that’s changing. It’s time to start acting all deadly, and boy am I doing that in style. It’s been a long time since my riotous youth when I earned the mad ‘Driller’ nickname”.

McDiarmid’s change in behaviour came when when his wife, long-suffering Angela, noticed he had stopped tying a double-knot in his shoelaces.

“He’s a boring pernickety bollix so he is” she admitted. “So I noticed the change straight away. And I knew something was different when he ate an apple after dinner without washing it first”.

McDiarmid, an ardent Elton John fan, also said he had radically changed his musical tastes by buying every Billy Joel album of the last 20 years.

 “I know, it’s madness. Nothing’s off limits. Last night I went to bed and left the hall landing light on the whole night”, said a proud McDiarmid. “And it was a hundred-watter”, he added.

A source close to McDiarmid told us:

“Ah Jaysus, Terry’s the most boring man you’ll ever meet this side of Stewartstown. Ask Driller the time and he’ll tell you how to make the feckin’ clock”.

Other reckless incidents undertaken by McDiarmid in the last two weeks have included eating a yoghurt two days past its sell-by date, going to the shops in the car without wearing driving gloves, and walking to work without an umbrella when the forecast said it might be showery.

McDiarmid now says he is contemplating a complete career change and becoming an insurance broker. Meanwhile, his family have admitted that the nickname ‘Driller’ was given in his teens as a result of his ability to bore everyone to death.

Tyrone Women Bracing Themselves As Husbands Bring Out Barbecues

Urney Barbecue

Urney Barbecue

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Thousands of women across the county are preparing for the worst as the warm weather looks set to continue into the weekend. As husbands in their droves drag barbecues out from behind the shed and start scraping the rust off, wives and partners are abruptly turning vegetarian overnight, sending children off to relatives, and frantically keying ‘999’ into the speed dial on their phones.

 “I’ve scarce got over last year to be honest” said one woman from Urney. “It was the one warm day of June and I was looking forward to a nice quiet day in the garden but my man insisted on having a barbecue and cooking the whole lot himself. Jaysus, I was hoping to get a nice tan, and I ended up with the most tara scitter for the rest of the week. I couldn’t get the taste of rust out of my mouth for days”.

Another woman, from Cabragh, shared concerns.

“Barbecue? Barbe-spew more like. Last year I ate a couple of his burgers and some ribs that he got cheap from somewhere. Jaysus, did I not see them again half an hour later. My stomach was like one of those lava lamps for a month. And he’s always getting Sheena and Des over, our neighbours from across the way. We end up getting drunk and admit personal things and then we avoid eye-contact for six months for fear of what was said that night even though no one can remember”.

“What’s going on with all this weather?” demanded another woman from Brocagh. “Usually by the time the sun comes out here and my husband eventually gets off his arse to the get the barbecue stuff, it’s started raining or snowing. But the forecast last night said it’s guaranteed to be a really warm and pleasant weekend. What a nightmare”.

A spokeswoman from Dungannon & South Tyrone Council said that the weather is having far-reaching consequences beyond the back garden.

“Tyrone’s in unchartered territory here. For the first time in the county’s recorded history it’s definitely guaranteed to be a sunny weekend. Quite frankly, a lot of people are panicking. They don’t know what to do. We had one woman from Dungannon phoning us saying that normally if she goes out on a sunny day as a precaution she also takes a jumper, an umbrella, a pair of wellies, and a compass. What’s the poor woman supposed to take with her now?”

The Council have also has several calls from the Stewartstown area querying what the ‘big yellow hurty thing” is in the sky.

Terror In Tyrone As Windmill GFC Plan To Reform

Site for new Windmill field

Gaels throughout the county have reacted with shock to the news that Windmill GFC are on the verge of reforming and might even take up the hurling too this time. The East Tyrone outfit disbanded some time in the early 80s after a series of misdeameanours on and off the field left them unable to put out a side at any level every week. Fears that the club may reform surfaced last week when sons of ex-players were spotting running around a field for an hour, stopping only to rugby tackle haystacks or shoulder into makeshift walls. Moortown stalwart Paddy Quinn made no bones about what this means for Tyrone GAA:

“I never thought this day would come. I remember as a kid being told stories about the Big Bad Wolf, The Troll Under the Bridge and the Windmill Full Back. That was the category they were placed in. I only played the once against the Windmill in 1977 and lost my complete bottom set of teeth, and I was a sub who didn’t get on. This is bad news for the supposed hard men in the county. They’ll be whimpering in their sleep over the summer.”

The Tyrone referees’ Society have met already to reassure each other that ‘things will be alright’ according to retired umpire Gary Coyle from Stewartstown:

“One of my last matches refereeing was a game between Urney and Windmill back in 1980. Played down at the shore, Urney faced the intimidating sight of the Windmill side eating raw meat as a warm-up to the backdrop of men wrestling salmon and trout on the Lough. I sounded the final whistle with Urney a point ahead and left the pitch, slowly walking backwards, pointing a gun at the furious Windmill contingent. Unfortunately, I was hit over the head by an elderly supporter wielding an umbrella and woke up in Cookstown, stripped bare, with my hands superglued to my head. We need to be prepared this time.”

Windmill’s new chairman, Vinny ‘Cut throat’ Dawson, says they will not be forgetting their roots:

“They said they’ll give us a go at division three next year. If I was the Brocagh chairman, I’d pull them out. We have long memories here and can vivdly recall the day they overturned the Maxi belonging to our manager back in 1982 down at their place. Long memories.”

Their first friendly is pencilled in for August 21st against a Maghaberry Prison GAA Select.

New Pope Not Sure If Cookstown Will Stay Up

Up the Pope

In a moment of weakness, perhaps brought on by the stress of his new job, Pope Francis the First admitted to an aide that he fears Cookstown Fr Rocks will tumble back down to the Intermediate grade having learned nothing from their previous foray into the senior grade a couple of years ago. The Argentinian Pontiff has never hidden his admiration for the Fr Rocks as well as his love for San Lorenzo, his local soccer side. Under his previous name, Jorge Bergoglio, the former Cardinal would combine watching his home team with scouring the Internet for a live stream of Cookstown’s league and Championship outings.

“Ah he’s mad about them Father Rocks”, admitted his best friend Fr Toto Schillachi. “There bes times when you’d catch him dreaming mid-service and you know it has dawned on him that the Rocks are playing a league match that day, probably against the likes of Killeeshil or Urney. One day, in Buenos Aires, he had the whole school dressed in blonde mullets singing ‘Mugsy’s Blue and Navy Army’ in Latin. It was quite a spectacle. He’s a quare eejit.”

Reports that he fears for Cookstown’s ability to stay in the senior grade has come as a blow for the busy market town although early signs indicate it will make the Rocks more resolute to keep their place in the top grade. A club insider remarked:

“Listen, it’s great that His Holiness is part of the Azzuri Army but we can do without the negativity. He should stick to the praying and we’ll do the playing. At the same time, he’s welcome down at Convent Lane any time he wants. It’s usually only a fiver in to club games.”

The Pope celebrated Cookstown’s All-Ireland last month with a slap-up feast of Cookstown Sizzlers, champ and a glass of Buckfast.

Tyrone Team On Brink Of Implosion Over Sock/Stocking Rift

An artist's impression of the new attire

An artist’s impression of the new attire

Neutral mediators were this morning attempting to repair the damage caused by an internal rift over the sock/stockings issue which has blighted the Tyrone senior county squad since the start of the year. Tempers were said to have exceeded boiling point last night when nine players turned up to training allegedly wearing the new sock/stockings imported from a warehouse in Bangladesh. Calling themselves ‘The Nylon Nine’, spokesperson Cathal McCarron is adamant they will not back down on this:

“Yousins don’t know what it’s like. We’re running about a field in the depths of winter with a t-shirt, shorts and rolled up socks whilst yousins all sit with your coats and hats on, drinking team and all. In Casement last week I couldn’t feel my legs half way through the warm-up. They won’t let us wear tracksuit bottoms or hats but there’s nothing in the rulebook about these new stockings from Bangladesh. I’ve been wearing them  to training at Dromore for a couple of years now and even Ricey eventually bought into them. He calls them suspenders but on the box it says socks/stockings. It’s time Mickey and the backroom lads moved with the times. Tony Donnelly has been wearing long-johns since I joined the panel. It’s one rule for them and none for us. We’ll be wearing them in Armagh this Sunday. Mark my words.”

Harte has set in place contingency plans this weekend to counteract the possibility of the Nylon Nine turning up kitted out in their new attire for the Fermanagh game. A backroom member, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:

“Holy ghost lads, they’re suspenders. SUSPENDERS! Can you imagine the goading they’ll be getting from them Fermanagh lads who spend their entire lives walking about in the rain wearing Frankie Goes To Hollywood or TheA-Team t-shirts without a complaint. We’ll be laughed out of Armagh. There’ll be some noise coming out of our changing room tomorrow if they go ahead with the threat. You’ll hear the slaps. There’s a rake of lads from Urney and Dregish who’ll take their places.”

Fermanagh manager Peter Canavan has refused to comment but an Erne insider claims the former Tyrone captain nearly wet himself thinking about it this morning.

Pig-Renting Shop Re-ignites Investment In Urney

Eddie Pig.

Eddie Pig.

Despite being ‘laughed out of it’ during the infant weeks of his new business venture ‘iPigs’, Urney entrepreneur Joe McCafferty has turned the sleepy townland of Urney into Europe’s most affluent area after Paris in under a year.

Such is the reputation of the West Tyrone hinterland, high earners in Hollywood and Russian cosmonauts are considering buying a second home in the area.

McCafferty, despondent at the the chronic effect the never-ending recession has had on his homeplace, took a gamble and opened a pig-renting shop iPig. Despite being told that his idea was “a load of shit” by struggling local shop owners, Joe persisted and is now the wealthiest man in Ireland after Michael Lyster and Gay Byrne.

“I just thought the country was couped and had a lock of pigs floating about the back yard. I cleaned them up and started Joe’s iPigs and didn’t people start renting pigs. I’ve no idea why. I just suppose folk were so broke they thought somehow owning a pig for a week might make them happy. Anyone with a pig on a leash seemed to be without a care in the world.

Since word got out, over 400 pigs from iPigs were rented out for an average of 3 days with customers are young as 4.

“I think they then became a fashion accessory amongst youngsters so word got out on Twitter that the next big thing was to have a rented pig. I then started selling iPig pig clothes as accessories. They were like hot cakes. Within three months I’d made £3.5m I think. Another lad tried opening a rival pig-renting shop was Micropig at the other end of the street but I threatened him and then bought him off. To those who said I was mad – up yours, ye dicks.”

McCafferty has pumped much of his takings back into the townland and has built a massage parlour and a castle, opened a Harrods, Top Man, Prada, Georgio Armani and a Chanel shop.

Someone looking like Keira Knightly was reportedly seen down near Clady looking at houses whilst Nigella Lawson loosely talked about opening a cafe in the main street.

Joe’s iPig pigs can be rented for £5 a day for a maximum of two weeks.

Urney Mule Talks

Urney woke this morning to the sensational news that a mule in the field beside the shop possibly spoke to a tourist last night, shortly before midnight. The startling claim was made by Lithuanian clown assistant Mustafa Lukatit who was making his way home to Glenelly by foot from Strabane after a children’s party.

“I was just taking in the manure-ridden scenery on the way back from Glenelly when I heard it. At first I thought it was the mind playing tricks but as I turned I saw the mule looking straight at me with sad eyes, waiting for a reply.”

Smoking Urney Mule?

Lukatit marched straight into the local public house, ordered a half’un and spilled the beans to the only other man in the pub, Fr Jake McGraw, the local curate, who in turn paid for the drink.

“Fr McGraw was well-oiled but when he heard the story he staggered out towards the field and began exorcising the mule, gathering water from the shuck, blessing it and then flinging the stuff straight at the Equus Asinas. I felt a bit bad about the whole thing as I couldn’t be sure if I’d heard anything at all. But it definitely looked at me like it had said something.”

When asked what the mule had said, Lukatit was evasive and said it might have “asked for a light“. When it was pointed out that local hobo Francey O’Hagan always lay in the ditch at that exact point, the Lithuanian became aggressive, accusing the journalist of “asking too many effin questions” and retorted that Urney was a “munchie shit-hole of a place” and that he’d not be recommending it to the Lithuanian community back home in eastern Europe. Whilst walking off he added that it was common for mules to smoke on the continent.

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