Category Archives: Moy
Tyrone Refused To Recognise Solar Eclipse
No viewers in Drumquin
Despite total media saturation in the preceding weeks, reports confirmed that all of Tyrone refused to recognise the celestial phenomenon of the solar eclipse, with 100% of its inhabitants going about their daily business without looking up or even talking about it.
Journalists from BBC, Sky and UTV were said to be disappointed after being despatched to various vantage points in the county only to be chased for ‘meddlin in things that no good will come from’ and with ‘there’s no money in that dung’ ringing in their ears.
Despite worries earlier in the week of possible pagan stirrings, the county proved to be a eclipse-free zone with schools and businesses issuing sanctions against anyone wishing to view the astronomical freak show.
Gareth Kenny, a 9-year old primary school pupil from St Ronan’s in Omagh, was clear as to why his school didn’t participate in the excitement:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite”
Dungannon, whose hill is a prime spot for viewing skyward events, was populated at full eclipse by three women and three dogs, who of whom were mating. When questioned on the lack of recognition of the sun/moon dance, one of the women explained:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite.”
At 9:31 am the clouds parted to show a full view of the 94% eclipse, despite predictions of a clouded non-event. A Sky News 24 reporter in The Moy described how the whole event passed off without recognition:
“This glorious occasion, with lighting considerably dulled and birds retreating in silence as well as a noticeable drop in temperature, went unnoticed in the sleepy hamlet of Moy. I heard one man, who was spitting furiously into a drain, exclaim ‘it’s dark, boys’ before giving a passer-by the 2 fingers.”
Meanwhile, Owen Mulligan confirmed his ‘full moon’ backside baring competition in Mulligan’s Bar on the same day was a raging success.
Shock And Anger Over Grimes/McKee Oscar Snub. Hedges Burnt.
Snubbed again in America
For the 19th consecutive year, many film aficionados across the county have resorted to violence after Donaghmore man Conor Grimes and his Coleraine comic compatriot Alan McKee were overlooked at the 87th Academy Awards ceremony in LA on Sunday night.
The Donaghmore Road was said to be ‘ablaze alright‘ after fans of the famous pair went on the rampage in Newmills, Pomeroy and in Grimes’ homeplace of Donaghmore, burning hedges and overturning apple-carts. In Coleraine, angry graffiti was daubed on a wall near the Diamond shopping centre including ‘you can stick your gongs up yer holes‘ and ‘for feck sake, lads‘
A friend of the pair informed us that this may be the last straw:
“We’re rightly hacked off, so we are. That’s 19 years running these lads have been overlooked. I wouldn’t be surprised if the two packed it in and went back to the undertaking. Grimes even changed his name from Connor to Conor in order to appease the American audience. It’s fixed so it is. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts haven’t a patch on these two.”
McKee reportedly purchased a blue tuxedo in The Moy at the weekend, ‘in case they FaceTime us as a surprise‘ he was heard telling shoppers. Grimes had reportedly been on a no-fry diet since last month and was said to be practising smiling and crying.
The pair, who are currently touring the country with their play ‘‘St Mungo’s Luganulk‘, were unavailable for comment although locals commented that Grimes appeared bleary eyed coming out of an off-licence in Dungannon at 2pm, having stayed up all night to watch the awards show with his loyal dog Malachi.
The news adds to a barren run at the Oscars for the Tyrone movie scene. The last trophy to reside in the county was in 1959 by Galbally director John ‘The Red’ Talbot whose 15-minute subtitled Short Film ‘The Dufflecoat Man’, which depicted a day in the life of a door-to-door pitch fork and rake seller in the area, won a whopping 13 awards.
Moy Man Accused Of Feeding Armagh People Foraging For Food
Armagh people spotted near Charlemont
A Moy man, with suspected close connections to Armagh, has been spotted feeding young and old north Armagh residents who have crossed over into the Tyrone border foraging for breakfast and dinner.
Armagh folk, who appear to have struggled to adapt to buying and selling goods as well as general all-round basic human development, are still dependent on family members with excellent hunting skills to gather sustenance for the day – keeping alive a proud tradition dating right back to the Stone Age in the area.
Until recently, Armaghicans have restricted their plundering within their own county borders for over 6000 years. However, a growing population and cleverer wildlife have left them with no option but to look over the fence and to begin pilfering border areas such as the Moy and Eglish, angering the locals especially chicken and pig farmers.
Moy media man Colly McKill has denied leaving out scraps and whistling, before heading to bed:
“That’s just lies. I’m a whistler by nature. And if the bin men lifted the rubbish more often I wouldn’t have a bin overflowing with cakes and soda farls.”
When pressed, McKill admitted he has a romantic investment in County Armagh but was prepared to prove he wasn’t encouraging them to ravage South Tyrone for nourishment:
“OK, the wife is from across the border but I categorically deny feeding others. If you look outside you can see several man-traps primed to go off tonight in case they come raking around my land.”
Tyrone Charity Committee have organised an emergency meeting to discuss whether to aid their neighbours by setting free 8000 chickens, 5000 pigs and dropping hundreds of boxes of Tayto crisps in various points in the Orchard County.
Stormont House Agreement Sees Tyrone ‘Hard Done By’ Says Kildress Man
A sight under threat with the new agreement
As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.
Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.
McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.
“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”
Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.
“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”
The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.
Tyrone GAA Treasurer Seen Wearing New Fur Coat Around The Moy
Tyrone treasurer buying cabbage
A recently re-elected Tyrone GAA committee member responsible for the financial management within the county has been spotted walking around The Moy brazenly wearing a fur coat as well as more finger rings than he’d usually wear.
Ralf McKeogh, who also holds the record for the most wides in one game at U16 level, has denied any misconduct and maintains he has the receipts for all recent purchases to match the money taken from his own personal account, however he was smirking at the time.
Local sceptics, including his old U16 manager Harry Donaghy, remain doubtful:
“It was the same last year. A week after the Tyrone County Convention he was spotted in a pub in Belfast wearing a crown. Or maybe it was in the Crown Pub. I can’t remember but what I definitely recall is all those wides against Brocagh back in 1991.”
McKeogh’s uncle Patsy, who was the first man to swim the River Blackwater from start to finish, also remains unconvinced about his wealthy nephew:
“He always seems to buy the smallest presents at Christmas. This is the classic sign of a miserably wealthy man. And he’s always laughing when you ask him about the county’s financial state, saying things like ‘we’re getting it tight’ but winking at the same time. I’d put nothing past that man.”
McKeogh refused to comment but was last seen asking a young lad from Charlemont to go buy him the biggest turkey from the local butchers.
97% Of Trainee Painters Failed ‘Cutting In’ Module At Dungannon Tech
Looking for advice on cutting in.
Standards of painting and decorating in Tyrone are said to be at an all-time low after the Dept of Education’s recent publication of vocational exam results.
Despite a rise in applicants for the course, Professor Jemmy Hanna maintains the level of competency is shockingly poor:
“Yes, it’s cat altogether. Cutting in was always a hard skill but young lads now don’t even get close to passing it. I was monitoring a lad from Brackaville last week who was painting a 14 x 14 ceiling and his cutting in was that bad it was impossible to know where the wall ended and the ceiling started. He then produced a packet of baby wipes to rectify the error and made a hames of it. Salvador Dali I called him.”
Prof Hanna also lamented the lazy attitude to the tools of work from today’s apprentices:
“On numerous occasions I’ve witnessed trainee painters forgetting to do basic duties in terms of looking after their brushes and rollers after a day’s work. This morning a boy from Killeeshil resumed his duties from last night with a rock hard brush. He more or less painted a wall with a stick.”
Meanwhile, the plumbing course at the college has again seen record numbers applying for a place after it was revealed that plumbers are now more desirable than firemen amongst Tyrone women, according to a poll in today’s Sunday Independent.
Mary Jordan, a 33-year old from the Moy, agreed:
“A man with a spanner in his hand covered in boiler dust just sends me mad.”
Killyman Chippy Accused Of ‘Blatant Opportunism’ After Selling Curry Yoghurts
Following the furore of Gregory Campbell’s mockery of the Irish language during a Northern Ireland Assembly meeting yesterday, a Killyman entrepreneur has been accused as ‘being as bad as the DUP man’ after setting up shop on the side of the road outside the village, selling a curry yoghurt and a tin of ‘Coca Coalyer’ for a pound this morning.
Teddy Og McKenna, who has a history of cashing in on controversial events, maintains he made £300 in one hour with his novelty meal deal:
“I did get a bit of abuse from family and friends but a serious crowd from Moygashel and Newmills arrived when word got out. Them boys are the salt of the earth, and them from the other side of the house to me too. Deadly friendly.”
Teddy Og’s father Teddy Snr lambasted his son, calling him an ‘oul bollocks’ and a crook:
“This is not the first time our Teddy has stooped to this level. When Sammy Wilson was photographed running through fields in the nude a few years ago, he sold a range of invisible clothes at the same spot in the road called ‘Emperor Sammy’s New Clothes’. He sold 36 units to a pile of lads from Carrickmore and Galbally. 36 units of nothing on a hanger at £22 a shot.”
Meanwhile, the Irish News food critic sampled the curry yoghurt and labelled it ‘one of the best culinary experiences of my life’ and that the meal was ‘like a ballet of heavenly angels dancing on my palate’. It was later revealed she was still half-drunk from a charity Night At The Races in The Moy the previous night.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’
By Aughoughilley SchnifflesRumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
The new Brackaville ghosts
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
Armagh Insurance Broker Cheekily Stokes Tensions In Moy
Nichol the Monday after Armagh beat Tyrone
An Armagh insurance broker has advertised for ‘insurance against heartbreak if Armagh win the All-Ireland’ in his popular shop in the Moy on the Tyrone/Armagh border.
Mal Nichol, who was the first referee to throw the ball up at the start of a game instead of a bishop in 1968, has been accused of winding up locals with his 30-foot digital advertisement in the middle of the village. Local insurance fanatic and Tyrone fan James Donaghy maintains he’s gone too far this time:
“Oul Mal would be tolerated around these parts as an Armagh man because he gives out deadly insurances. He even insured me against the wife. But he’s taking the biscuit now with this heartbreak offer. The small print says he’ll have a doctor x-ray the heart to see how broken it is if Ciaran McKeever lifts Sam in September. He’s just rubbing it in, so he is.”
Nichol was a track record of stoking tensions in the Moy after he advertised an insurance deal solely for Sean Cavanagh, offering ‘a great deal on holiday insurance for a July fortnight in Magaluf‘ in the run-up to the Armagh/Tyrone game on 13th July. Donaghy added:
“I have no doubt that it affected Sean’s performance that day. He had one eye on the insurance deal I think during the game. I even saw oul Mal in the crowd waving documents any time Sean looked towards him. He’s as cute as a fox.”
Nichol refused to talk directly to us but issued a statement informing us that ‘he has the best interests of the Moy populace at heart and would hate to see all the sad faces in September if they didn’t take up his heartbreak offer and Armagh become champions of Ireland’. He finished the fax with a smiley face.
“Keep ‘er lit”, Misunderstanding Brings Rookie Clonoe Firefighter’s Career To A Close
A mix-up in communication at a Tyrone fire station on Tuesday night resulted in a three-storey building in the Moy being destroyed.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
New firefighter recruit, 18-year old Declan McClurg, was left in charge of the fire station in Urney on what was normally the quietest night of the week, but received a call-out to the Moy just minutes after his colleagues departed, leaving on his own to man the night shift.
Aye, it was just a wee misunderstanding, that’s all”, said McClurg philosophically, following the fire which caused an estimated £3m of damage. “Could happen to anybody. When the boys were headin’ off home they were shouting ‘keep ‘er lit’ on the way out, so when just ten minutes later I got the 999 call, I thought they meant to go along and keep an eye on the blaze, but not to do anything, or maybe throw on a few sticks. Some handlin’”.
The premises, McGlone Stores in King Street in the Moy, was completely destroyed, leaving the owner Cormac McGlone furious. “I turned up in a panic expecting to see Tyrone’s finest with the hoses out. What did I see but that eejit sitting with a big bag of Co-op marshmallows, toasting them on a stick. Fecker. Didn’t even offer me one”.
McClurg however was quick to offer up a defence. “How was I to know “keep ‘er lit”, is some fancy expression round the Moy? I’m from Clonoe. People should say what they mean. And anyway, them marshmallows was just a wee snack. I even missed my tea break because I was out watching the fire. Jays, you should have seen that thing go up. It was like the end of a James Bond movie. Deadly”.
McClurg, preparing to protect property
McClurg went on to offer his professional advice having completed three days on the job before getting sacked. “You have to be on your guard with fire, see. I dedicated my life to protecting property. Well, for three days anyway. Fire can catch you unawares. Just a few months back my brother-in-law’s bookies shop went on fire. Total write-off so it was. He must have been messin’ about at the time acting the lig, because he said it was an arsin’ claim. No idea how the fire started though. It’s a mystery”.
The fire service refused to comment, but said they had doubts from the start when they spotted McClurg in the station trying to slide up the fireman’s pole.
Moy Couple To Appear On Jeremy Kyle Over Theft Of Gypsy Creams
The source of the strife
Following the appearance of a Derry couple recently on The Jeremy Kyle Show over marital shenanigans, a Moy man and his wife are to go on the show to finally find out who has been secretly eating half a packet of Gypsy Creams after dinner every Sunday.
Colin MacKill, a high ranking official at the local GAA club, and his wife Sheila have been enjoying a blissful partnership apart from Sunday evenings when the Gypsy Cream fiasco kicks off every week without fail.
Sheila, who has been accepted onto one of Richard Branson’s space flights in the near future, is adamant the lie detector test is a waste of time:
“This is ridiculous. Colin goes out to the shed every Sunday at 6pm and comes back in with chocolate all over his face. All over his face! Even his teeth are brown for a couple of hours. Going on this show is madness. I know he’s eating the Gyspy Creams. How come he never is hungry then for a salad cream sandwich before bed?”
Colin, an avid one-mile runner, is steadfast on his reasons for going on the show:
“This needs to be sorted once and for all. She goes on about the shed thing but sure I’m just out oiling chains and stuff. Every time I come back in she’s chewing away in front of the TV and half a packet of the Gypsy Creams are gone. And she’s not chewing the cud as she says. This lie-detector test will settle it. Great publicity for The Moy too.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone couple will have appeared on Kyle’s show. In 2006, an Aughnacloy couple went on to prove who was passing wind and rifting during the night. A CCTV camera proved it was Mrs Gildernew.
Local Gangsters Organise Amazing Concerts After Brooks Fiasco
Beyonce for Brocagh?
Government officials have told people to be wary of mind-boggling concert line-ups as entrepreneurs make money on interest before cancelling the event late on.
Using the Garth Brooks incident as a template, Omagh man Harry Davidson advertised a ‘Tramping About Tyrone’ weekend festival allegedly featuring U2, Rihanna, Tom Jones, Eminem, Rod Stewart, Bruce Springsteen and a hologram Michael Jackson all in a 3-acre field near Loughmacrory, costing £300 for the weekend ‘subject to licensing and appearance agreements’. 90’000 tickets were sold within three hours yesterday for the January 1st 2015 event.
One lucky ticket holder, Jane Tohill, told us:
“We know fine rightly this won’t go ahead but you have to take a chance don’t you. Harry once organised a quiz in the pub and won it himself so we know what kind of crook he is. We also know he’ll make a bomb out of the interest from these ticket sales but you’d never forgive yourself if he came good. But it’s not happening is it?’
When contacted, Davidson was honest about his venture. After laughing for five minutes, he confirmed:
“As sure as I’m standing here, this concert is not going ahead. I plan to cancel it in December, probably just before Christmas, which is a rather generous thing to do. They’ll get their refund back to buy presents and I get my interest. Everyone wins. People will always take a chance though, just in case like. There’s that 0.01% chance Tramping About Tyrone might happen.”
Other events recently announced included ‘Beyonce In Brocagh’, (Neil) ‘Diamond Does Dromore’, and ‘Meatloaf In The Moy’ which have all sold out despite zero chance of actually happening although Meatloaf was spotting eating strawberries from a pallet on the side of the road in Eglish last week.
Romance Expert Reckons Brolly Possibly Infatuated With Sean Cavanagh
Unlikely romance?
One of Ireland’s leading body language and relationship psychologists has claimed she is 99% convinced Joe Brolly may actually have romantic inclinations towards Tyrone midfielder Sean Cavanagh, despite recent uncomplimentary remarks by the Dungiven barrister.
Susan LeMonde, who has councelled many high profile personalities from Hollywood to Howth, has studied hours of footage since 2003 and maintains Brolly spends 39% of air time per year talking about Cavanagh. In an interview with an Ulster pirate radio station, she revealed some of the telltale signs:
“One of the first pieces of evidence is the squirming. Joe will wriggle and wobble when Cavanagh’s name is brought up. His excitement is palpable but he provides a smokescreen by making derogatory remarks about his object of desire. For example, when he declared that Cavanagh wasn’t ‘a man’ last year, I think he accidentally revealed a deep-rooted desire for Sean to actually be a woman so that his possible fantasies would appear less odd. That’s my take on it any way.”
LeMonde went on to explain why the County of Tyrone have been at the brunt of Brolly outbursts in recent years:
“Again, this is just my theory but I believe Joe is envious of the entire county. He maybe sees Tyrone as a love rival which Sean appears to be devoted to. It’s an understandable reaction and explains the fist-pumping and red-faced excitement when he gets the chance of dissect a Tyrone defeat and dance on their grave. I think Brolly still hangs on to the hope that Cavanagh retires soon in frustation and is sitting on the couch beside him at RTE headquarters with his gelled hair.”
When asked how these types of infatuations usually end, LeMonde suggested Brolly will make an obvious slip-up in front of the cameras, possible by mistakenly calling him ‘sweetheart’ or ‘my honey’ during another hatchet-job.
GAA Team’s Goodwill Gesture Falls Flat In Eglish
Inspired by the story of a senior panel from Donegal club Naomh Columba who stopped to help a man turn his turf in Galway at the weekend, Ballygawley outfit Errigal Ciaran attempted a similar gesture whilst driving through Eglish on the way back from a game in The Moy yesterday.
Unfortunately, the attempted act of kindness which involved digging up 300 kilos of potatoes the size of grapes and 600 pallets of unripe strawberries, has left Eglish farmer Phonsie Jordan thousands of pounds in the red.
Clubman Johnny Bradley admitted:
“We’ve cocked up, yes. We thought it would be great PR for the club after we saw the Donegal lads do the same with the turf. We’ve a lot of students on the team and they haven’t really seen fields with spuds or strawberries in them so they aren’t to blame. We just ripped everything up and waited for the farmer to get back, with smiles on our faces. When he lifted that gun we fairly moved. In fact, some lads ran more in that thirty seconds than in the game against The Moy, going by the GPS trackers still on them.”
Jordan, who has been producing high quality produce for 50 years, fumed:
“Shower of do-gooders. Some of them spuds were as small as peanuts. How did it not dawn on them? And green strawberries….holy Jaysus.”
The Ballygawley outfit have vowed to make up for the innocent error by offering their services as scarecrows over the summer for the Eglish entrepreneur, starting with the defenders in July.
First Wild Snake In Ireland- In 1600 Years!
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Happy chicken fried rice-loving Moy snake
Tyrone Tribulations can reveal that the first wild snake to be discovered in Ireland since the time of Saint Patrick has been captured alive in one of Ireland’s oldest counties, Tyrone.
The tiny village of Moy, made famous by Gaelic football star Plunkett Donaghy and former underage Ulster rugby talent Shaun Kavannagh, finds itself once again on the map for an altogether more slippery reason.
A one metre snake, at this stage considered to be completely safe and non-venomous (simply due to the fact that no-one has been bitten by it so far) was found warming itself next to a wheelie bin out the back of the co-operative store, which locals are now petitioning to have renamed ‘Steve Irwins’
Manageress on duty at the time, Julie Rushe, is believed to have been so frightened by her discovery that she repeated the word ‘Jaysus’ over 200 times before reporting the find.
It is thought to have survived on scraps from the local Chinese take-away, easily accessed with its forked tongue.
The juvenile snake, christened “Brolly” by locals, is believed to have wriggled its way to Ireland undetected in the bag of one of three local youths who have just returned from a working holiday in Australia.
The three, who have spent the last year backpacking and fruit picking on a banana farm in Queensland, have returned home to see their beloved Moy take on Moortown in the first round of the Tyrone Senior Football Championship.
Cardinal Rodney Serpentine, formerly of East London, spoke to us from the Armagh Cathedral – ironically the exact place Saint Patrick reputedly showed Saint Bridget how to weave the cross that made her a household name.
“Would you Adam and Eve it? Fantastic news for the area. It has really tipped the scales in Tyrone’s favour for an influx of American and Australian tourists who will now feel more at home here, what with animals they see all the time and not just your usual cows and stray badgers.”
He added:
“Its funny really because when I first came to here from London, I was told to look out for the snakes around the Moy!”
Tomney’s bar are also offering a promotion on pints of snake-bite at £7.50 each until the end of May.
It is expected that the snake will be relocated to Australia, or else just flushed down the toilet.
Moy Hunter Nearly Takes Head Clean Off Easter Bunny
McKeown, concerned
The head of the Moy Riflers Association (MRA), Harry Mackle, has initiated an investigation into an incident described as “an inch away from an Easter Day Massacre”.
The almost-tragic accident occurred at 3am this morning on the Benburb Road whilst members of the MRA were out hunting for bears or wolves as they do once a month. Unbeknownst to Mackle and co, Pat McKeown had at the same time donned an Easter bunny costume and was leaving a trail of chocolate eggs from his wife’s bed to a secluded spot near the Moy football field.
McKeown added:
“I’d been planning this for weeks. It’s our 10th wedding anniversary and I was hoping she’d wake up at 4am and see the trail, follow it down the road and find me here in my Bunny costume where I’d serenade her with my bugle, probably some Nathan Carter number. It was all going to plan. Well, until three bullets whizzed past by ear.”
Mackle, who wasn’t out hunting bears that night, feels sympathy for his riflers and maintains he’d do the same in that position:
“You need to realise, we’re primed for expecting bears and wolves. We’re killing machines. Since we set up nine years ago, not a shot has been fired in anger as there doesn’t appear to be many bears left in Ireland. But, we’re always cocked and if you see this big bunny in front of you with a bugle in his hand, it’d be hard not to blow the head clean off it.”
Luckily, one of the riflers recognised McKeown’s bugle and an apology was made. All made it back for a moonlit drinking session in an illegal shebeen in the village.
Meanwhile, McKeown has reported his wife as ‘missing’.
Undercover Reporter Reveals Secret GAA Refereeing Ring
Referees laughing their heads off
A high-profile undercover investigator has shattered an underground refereeing ring in Strabane where up to 30 Tyrone referees meet up weekly and laugh at some of the decisions they made and are going to make the following weekend. Joe Wheeler, the Welsh freelance TV reporter, pretended to show an interest in refereeing this coming season by getting himself into some shape and buying a shiny new whistle.
After an initial vetting service, Wheeler was asked along to the first meeting which was held in an underground bunker on the Urney Road.
“To be honest, the vetting process wasn’t too taxing. They just asked me to blow the whistle three times and point in various directions. That was it. I was in.”
Wheeler was told he’d probably referee a few U16 games in Ardboe to harden him up before embarking on Division Three of the Tyrone All County League.
“They reckoned a few underage games between Ardboe and Moortown would make a man of me. But it was what went on during the meeting that shocked me. All 30 refs took turns in telling yarns about the worst decisions they made last weekend and everyone was bent over laughing. The drink was flying but it was some craic to be fair. One ref said he deliberately turned a blind eye to a player getting the head battered off him because he remembered the lad’s father refused him access to a rampart years ago. They did some guffawing at that one.”
The Welsh reporter was even more astounded when matters turned to this weekend’s matches:
“Remarkably, as well as being given their fixtures to referee this weekend, they were also given a scoreline to work towards. There was a rollover jackpot with all men putting a fiver into the pot which now stood at £490. Anyone who got their score correctly won the dough. A bonus pot of £100 was also given every week to the ref who made the worst decision. This time a ref from Killyman won for sending off a Killeeshil player for wearing ankle socks.”
Wheeler reported that they all agreed to give the following teams ‘a bad touch’ this year: Owen Roes, The Rock, The Moy, Killyclogher, Dregish, Derrytresk, Carrickmore and Kildress.
The Tyrone Referees’ Association were unavailable for comment.
Moy Man Expresses Disappointment At Unused Snow Shovel
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
THE STUFF OF DREAMS
Reports from the Moy yesterday confirmed that a local man has admitted defeat and finally consigned his snow shovel to the back of the shed.
47-year old Iggy McGeary, a brick polisher from the Moy, expressed his disappointment at the arrival of March and the milder weather, but accepted that his brand new plastic snow shovel, purchased from Capper Fuels in autumn last year for £12.99, will now be relegated from its state of readiness outside the back door, to the rear of the shed next to the broken trampoline and the stick used for stirring paint.
“I’ve been looking forward to redding the path since last October”, McGeary lamented. “For the first time in years I was properly prepared. I had thon shiny new snow shovel, and a brand new pair of insoles for my wellies out of Costcutters. And then how much snow do we get all winter? Hee-haw, that’s how much. It’s a disgrace. I blame Barry McElduff and all that lot with their cost cuttings and budget savings, not wanting to pay for the gritting lorries and snow ploughs and such like”.
A self-confesses fresh air freak, McGeary maintains that his fondness of snow is shared around the neighbourhood.
“It’s not just me that misses it. All the kids round here love it. Remember we had over half foot of the stuff just a couple of years back? Lasted for days. My three cubs love it, and so does my wife. I heard her reminiscing on the phone last night to her pal, saying that it’s been ages since she woke up to a good six inches at her back door. And she’s right an’ all. I remember the days of proper snow, up to the top of the hedgerows. In June. Deadly”.
McGeary faced criticism from social services in 2008 during heavy snow when he took his family out for a snowball fight, including his 88-year old mother-in-law, Kitty.
“Ach, all that was exaggerated. Damp feet and soggy gloves were the worst of it really. Big deal. And how was I to know pacemakers were susceptible to the cold? She should have mentioned it. And once her artificial hip thawed out she was grand. It was a mighty day. Nothing wrong with a bit of fresh air and a plump of the white stuff”.
McGeary was last spotted by neighbours late yesterday evening, standing at the foot of his garden holding a bag of salt and squinting hopefully into the sky.
Moy Locals Ordered To ‘Do Themselves Up A Bit’ After Moy Park World Cup Announcement
Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.
Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:
“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”
Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:
“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”
Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:
“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”
Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.
Tyrone Tribulations 