Category Archives: Stewartstown
Archeological Find In Stewartstown Indicates High Technological Intelligence
Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.
Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.
One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:
Professor Jack Lyons explains:
“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “
Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:
Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:
“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”
One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:
Giro d’Italia Cyclist Receives Coalisland’s First Parking Ticket
An exemplary parked bike in Coalisland
An Italian cyclist, who arrived in Ireland this week to attempt a dry run of the Irish leg of Giro d’Italia later in the year, became the unlucky recipient of Coalisland’s first parking ticket during a shopping trip in the town today.
Giovanni Sherri (28) was told by the warden that his bike was badly parked up against a wall outside Dorman’s Pharmacy and was issued with a £60 on the spot fine as well as a verbal warning about future conduct by warden Joe Quinn from the town himself.
Bystander and local man Kieran Corr (64) saw the whole incident pan out:
“I had just been saying to myself that the bike was badly parked. It had only the handlebar against the wall, instead of both wheels and the seat too. It was an accident waiting to happen. Thank God that traffic warden appeared out of nowhere and saved the day. We in Coalisland pride ourselves on our perfect parking tradition. How would he like it if we went to Italy and made spaghetti out of bits of string? Local customs must be upheld.”
Corr refuted suggestions that a spoof warden was used to get the media off their backs due to their suspiciously clear record. There were also reports of the warden Quinn buying a round of drinks in O’Neill’s later:
“Nonsense. OK, he was a local lad but he has an official yellow jacket, clipboard and ticket book. “
Meanwhile, Sherri admitted he enjoyed his time touring Tyrone and especially liked Stewartstown, describing it as ‘like something from 100 years ago’.
“I even met my far out relatives, the original McSherrys, who emigrated to Italy in the 1600s because they liked ice cream, meatballs, the mafia and fighting lions.”
He later admitted he wouldn’t be back.
Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.
We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;
20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims are forced to make do with an electricity pylon in Urney and Eurospar, Omagh.
19. Cranagh: The village adjudged by National Geographic Magazine as ‘the furthest you can go out of the way before you start coming out the other side’.
18. Paul Brady: The curly, surly ginger, singer/songwriter and professional ‘Bosco’ impersonator who brought us the classic refrain;
I wanna take you to Coalisland
And count the off-licences per man
And in the evening when the sun goes down
We’d rip the ATM from the local filling station
17. Making Pat Spillane Puke: A classic reversal of the normal pattern of Pat Spillane making everyone else hurl their fadge.
16. The Place Name ‘Sandholes’: Deriving from the Old French ‘Sans Houlles’, meaning ‘Without Arse”, the area is credited as the home of the design of cheap supermarket denim which reduces ‘buttock protrusion’ in male wearers over 35 years of age.
15. Splash: The popular Saturday night, light entertainment programme where fading celebrities imitate their own careers by falling unceremoniously from a great height without being touched in an attempt to garner advantage which is scarcely deserved. The format is based on the career of Brian Dooher. (Apart from the great height bit obviously)
14. The Carnteel Road: By an amazing freak of geography, motorists travelling directly from Aughnacloy to Dungannon will pass the end of the Carnteel Road on no less than 14 occasions.
13. The Place Name ‘Orritor’: For the sheer joy of positioning a district which sounds like a body cavity in close proximity to another called ‘Sandholes’.
12. Sir James Cricket: A comedian who has sustained a 40 year career with an act based entirely on a humorous tea-towel which my mother brought back from Westport in 1972. Don’t come here.
11. Benburb Sunday: A day where children up to the age of 12 were rounded up by monks and made to pay to slide down a hill on a carpet of rough hardboard resulting in semi-permanent scarring of skin tissue on the thigh and elbow.
10. Dennis Taylor’s Wiggly Index Finger: Widely regarded as being amongst the finest of the gargantuan-spectacle wearing ball potter’s eleven fingers.
9. Penfold from Dangermouse: No list would be complete without the pint-sized, sidekick, cartoon-moaner and his hilarious catchphrase; “Carrickmore Gaelic Fudball Club”.
8. The Amazing Disappearing Letters ‘T’& ‘W’: Used to such wonderful effect in the pronunciation of places such as ‘Cookson” ‘Stewarson’ and ‘Twincamton’.
7. Eugene McMenamin’s Unfeasibly Black Eyebrows: The Strabane based MLA holds the distinction of having been balancing two ‘Granny Grey Beard’ caterpillars on his forehead since 1984.
6. The Red Hand of Ulster: Yeah, thanks a bunch for that!
5. The Carland Bypass: The wonderful decision to remove the one corner which broke the utter monotony of driving between Cookstown and Dungannon.
4. Eponymously Titled Products which are now Defunct: Tyrone Brick, Tyrone Crystal, Tyrone Power, Tyrone Moderate Alcohol Consumers.
3. Consilio et Prudentia: Although also the names of two Late (possibly ex) (possibly Latex) Nuns from Loretto convent in Omagh, this is actually the irony valve straining motto of the county translating as…wait for it…no I’m serious….”Wisdom & Prudence”.
2. The Untimely Demise of Tyrone Tom’s Red Shorts: The ill-thought out decision to use the Greencastle man’s iconic shorts as an agreed alternative to the Union flag on Belfast City Hall.
And of course topping the list
1. Ballyronan
Brackaville Man Sues Opticians After Walking Through Glass Window
An angry Gillis
A 44 year old Brackaville boiler servicer has commenced legal proceedings against a Dungannon opticians after he walked straight into a glass window in the shop where he had just purchased his glasses. Harry Gillis, who has been wearing glasses since he was 7, claims he wasn’t told he had to wait for the lenses to be made, walking off with just the frame on his nose.
“At no time did they say I needed to wait for the lenses bit. I needed new glasses so they told me to pick what I liked from the shelf. After paying for them, the woman walked into the lab so I thought it was deal done and got up with my new specs on. The next thing I know I’m walking straight through a glass partition onto the street, completely shattering the whole window-wall. Everyone laughing made it worse.”
Boiler expert Gillis, who knew he needed new glasses las week after he serviced a neighbour’s dog kennel by mistake, reckons it was a townie v culchie practical joke.
“Them Dungannon townies are always making fun of us country ones calling us munchies and stuff. I think I was set up for their amusement as well as to bump up some business. I’m told the YouTube footage from their CCTV has 1.2 million views already. People forget I could have been hurt. Luckily I walk by kicking out my boots in front of me so they took the bulk of the damage. “
Legal expert Fergus Brogan from Stewartstown gives Gillis a chance of success:
“I have a good record. Last year I successfully sued Hollywood for $300 after a Coagh man claimed he was still having nightmares after watching Jaws 2.”
Rattle Of Thunder Leaves East Tyrone Panic Stricken
Woman panicking in Edendork
A 2-second blast of thunder left most of East Tyrone on high alert throughout the night with police reporting 1340 calls from worried homeowners. PSNI officials also admitted they spent a couple of hours driving about looking for the noise before the Met Office in Belfast informed them that the sound was actually thunder.
The blast, which occurred around 10pm last night, was described as something close to the sound of a nuclear bomb according to Dungannon pub-owner Jamesey Sloan:
“I’ve never heard anything like it. There were boys running all over the town screaming and shouting about the war being back on and about heading to the bunkers. Women were crying and wailing, saying rosaries in the middle of the street. It was like a film.”
Meanwhile in Ardboe, thousands of residents got into their boats and rowed for Antrim on the other side of the Lough. Patsy Coney remarked:
“Ghost oh boys it was tara. We thought maybe the Sperrins were falling down or something so we all sailed East. A couple of boys swam it. The clergy were handing out Last Rites all over the joint.”
PSNI spokesman Herr Steinburger admitted there were a few red faces in the force:
“Yes, we got caught up in the whole excitement. We had 400 officers out in jeeps looking for the noise. When you add in the 200 or so vigilantes also out searching for the noise there was chaos on the roads. We thought it came from a poitin barn in Stewartstown but he said he’d made all his Christmas batches months ago.”
BBC Weather confirmed it was just one short blast of thunder and warned locals not to go clean mad again tomorrow when hailstones are predicted.
J K Rowling To Buy Whole Of Tyrone As Christmas Present For Robbie Coltrane
New landload, Coltrane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The world-renowned author J K Rowling is close to purchasing the whole of County Tyrone as a Christmas present to Scottish actor Robbie Coltrane, as a thank you for playing the part of Hagrid the giant, in the Harry Potter series.
The author, estimated to be worth a staggering £10 billion, decided to splash out once she had made the choice between snapping up the County, the new Peter Andre album, or a signed picture of Malachi Cush.
“I’ve always loved Tyrone”, said the author, “I was going to keep it for myself and use it as a sort of garden feature, but I know Robbie will be thrilled to have it instead. But he lives in London, so I’m going to have my people fly it over so it sits somewhere just outside Surrey. I’m sure Tyrone people won’t mind. It is a little island off the east coast of Scotland, isn’t it?”
The purchase, believed to run into a four-figure sum, came as welcome news to cash-strapped Tyrone council management.
“This is mighty”, said local Councillor Enda McMann. “We’re up to our arses in debt and this is a class way of helping out the County. Jaysus, we were nearly having to auction off the Council’s Philomena memorabilia collection. Imagine that? As it is, we’ve had to sell the Council’s fleet of chauffeur-driven Lamborghinis. Yep, it’s that bad. We might have to sell a couple of the yachts next”.
The news was greeted warmly by many residents. Benny Sloan from Caledon said,
“I’ve always been a big Harry Potter fan. Them fillums where he says, ‘Are you feelin’ lucky punk’ and then shoots up the place is pure class. I love Clint Eastwood. If Robbie gets Tyrone, maybe Clint’ll get Armagh”.
However, not everyone was happy. 57-year old Oonagh Trainor from Eglish said,
“This spells disaster. Literally. What if them Dementor boys turn up, eh? Do you know what they are? I’ll tell yiz. They’re among the foulest creatures to walk this earth, that’s what they are. They feed off human happiness and create depression and despair to anyone near them. How would we tell them apart from some of the ones from Stewartstown?”
The purchase of the County is to remain a secret from Coltrane until Christmas Day, during which time Rowling plans to either wrap it in 1,300 square miles of Christmas paper, or alternatively cover it with a gigantic cloak of invisibility.
East Tyrone People Closely Related To Baboons
Artist’s impression of Washingbay man around 2000 years ago
Scientists in America have confirmed that recents tests show residents of East Tyrone are even more closely related to baboons than what had already been suspected. Professor Kenny Cullen, from the Institution of Biology and Genetics in Boston, spent five months in Ardboe after a year-long stay in Zambia. He is convinced that at around the time of Jesus, there were more baboons on the loughshore than humans.
“Yes, I’m totally convinced now. I enjoyed my time in Ardboe but I could easily have been in the jungles of Zambia and Tanzania. The similarities of the baboon community and everyone from Pomeroy eastwards was remarkably similar. Physically, both sets of males have powerful jaws, thick body hair and sharp teeth. The women on both sides have protruding buttocks which they use to impress the males, especially around Brocagh. That’s only the tip of the iceberg.”
The biological togetherness doesn’t end there. Prof Cullen also noticed a remarkable alikeness for behaviour:
“They both like running about aimlessly in open fields, hunting in packs for food at any time of day and night, eating a lot of fish and grass, and showing aggression by stripping their teeth and screaming or smacking their own lips. In Derrylaughan they beat their chests when not getting served in time in Falls’ shop or pub. It’s quite remarkable.”
Cullen admits that East Tyrone humans have evolved somewhat in order to fit into a more civilised world without shocking visitors from the west or other communities.
“Fortunately, the human variation has modified their behaviour somewhat. For example, the East Tyrone male does not attempt to woo a partner by grooming their target and eating any nits they find on her mane. One Coalisland human tried that at a disco in Cookstown and was met with a swift and painful handbag whelp across his face.”
Professor Cullen is to embark on another 10-years mission to discover the links between West Tyrone locals and wild feral dogs.
FBI Swamp Stewartstown For Kennedy Anniversary
Stewartstown locals have admitted they are slightly unnerved by the ‘rakes of boys talking down their sleeves in American accents’ walking about the town this week in the run up the anniversary of JFK’s assassination in 1963. Stewartstown has been on everyone’s lips across the world this week due to their home-town boy and Special Agent William Robert Greer who joined the Secret Service in 1945 having served in the US Navy during the war. He was a trusted servant and acted as a personal bodyguard to both Presidents Truman and Eisenhower before being chosen to drive John F Kennedy through Dallas on 22 November 1963.
The FBI appear to have not just reopened the case against Greer, but are actively pursuing the theory that Stewartstown may have been central to many international incidents over the last century. Some of these include:
- Wall Street Crash
- Faked Moon Landing
- Nazism
- Cuban Missile Crisis
- Elvis Presley
- Watergate Scandal
- Smallpox
- In the buff Sammy Wilson’s holiday pictures
An FBI official confirmed they’re taking a ‘no-crap’ stance with Stewartstonians:
“Greer may be an innocent man but the more we learn about his homeplace, the more we’re sure that this may just be the dastardliest place on planet Earth. Just yesterday I heard a man outside the Credit Union saying the whole Kennedy stuff was going to be ‘deadly’. What did he mean? What are these monsters going to carry out? Make no mistake – Stewartstonians are capable of anything in our book.”
So far, the FBI have raided 60 homes looking for incriminating evidence on PCs and under beds. Unfortunately only one computer has been found and it was a Commodore 64 from 1986 in full working order. They’ve also confiscated 120 books, 90 of them a pamphlet on the history of the Stewartstown Pipe Band. The other 30 were Fifty Shades of Grey.
SF councillor Jackie Logan fumed:
“They’re a tarra nuisance with their ‘hey men’ and ‘got any candy lady?’. They’ll find nothing here”
concluded Logan with a wink and a gap-toothed smile.
Dr Brian Cox Can’t Explain Concept Of Time In Stewartstown
A Stewartstown taxi-driver
After five days of intensive observation, housewife eye-candy Dr Brian Cox has headed back to England ‘despondent and bewildered’ after failing to explain how time has developed completely different dimensions in Stewartstown compared to everywhere else in the world.
Speaking from his laboratory in London, Cox revealed a few of the unsolvable conundrums which have left him a broken man:
“They kept this from us at the College of Physics I went to. For example, on the first night I went for a pint in the Roadside Tavern and the bartender said he’s be with me ‘in a minute’. I timed him and he returned to me in 4 mins 33 seconds. In that period he had checked the horse racing and spoke to another punter about Logan and the Under 21s. I just couldn’t work out if I’d just witnessed time travel or not. I couldn’t sleep that night.”
As Cox collected more evidence of a parallel universe in Stewartstown he explained another phenomenon which confirmed that time had different properties in mid-Ulster.
“I wanted to go to Cookstown to buy jeans in the world-famous market and asked a local if I needed to get a bus to there. He said it was ‘only down the road’ and that it was only ‘a locka minutes’. TWO HOURS it took walking and I was near wrote off on the Poplar Hill Road by a boy from Lissan in an Escort. That confirmed to me that ‘time’ as we know it has bypassed Stewartstown.”
Cox is also investigating the possibility that time is also standing still since the 80s after discovering the following telltale signs:
- 80% of 40 year olds are still wearing A-Team sweatshirts
- Every night closing time in pubs is signalled by the playing of ‘The Final Countdown’ by Europe
- Many parents collected their children from school on space-hoppers
- ‘I Shot JR’ is spray-painted on most gable walls.
- ‘Big Hair and Mullet’ combo sales in local barbers.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
Stewartstown Issues Sort-Of Nuclear Threat To World
Thousands of caps ready to be unleashed on Brackaville
The sprawling village of Stewartstown, where no one has emigrated from or immigrated to since 1979, has decided to flex its international muscle and issue a sort-of nuclear threat to the rest of the world that they’ll be ‘taking no more shit’ from today onwards. Unfortunately nicknamed ‘tintown’, after it was revealed in 1948 that labourers wrap everything in tinfoil from their lunch to their tools, residents have decided that now was the time to reveal the arsenal of weapons they have been stockpiling since 1969 when they struck up a deal with the Russians.
Lord Mayor Cal Coyle announced during a hastily-arranged press conference outside the Credit Union:
“Yes, that’s right lads and lassies. We’re the bucking big boys now. We have shedfuls of Spanish fireworks, caps for Chinese toy guns, French bangers and Brazilian sparklers. Buckets of the stuff. Underground bunkers, hideouts in rural areas – you name it. Let the message be loud and clear – one more online reference to tintown or any other derogatory reference to Stewartstown and this planet is going to experience the Armageddon. Starting with Portugal or New Zealand maybe. We might give Brackaville a rattle first, like as a test drive.”
Flanked by 7 men and 3 women all wearing welding masks as disguise, Coyle was asked what sparked the declaration of war on the world at this particular time:
“I was reading something on boards.ie yesterday regarding weeding lawns and someone said something about ‘Stewartstown a.k.a. Tintown’. That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Then there’s them North Koreans, the Pakistanis, the Yanks, the Russians, the Chinese and the Iranis all boasting away about their nuclear capabilities. Well, try counteracting 5000 loop-the-loop fireworks being dropped on you from about 1200 feet. One of our lads recently got a provisional pilot’s licence and we know we can hire a small 2-seater from Newtownards. Just push our buttons one more time. ONE MORE TIME.”
The UN have confirmed they are taking this threat seriously but will wait to see if it’s just a result of nerves before the Intermediate quarter final against Brackaville that has sparked today’s declaration.
Soaring Cost Of Fuel Sees People Try New Ways To Travel In Tyrone
McSherry headin to work
The recent spike in petrol and diesel costs have witnessed new and mostly unsuccessful ways to travel from A to B in the county. Just last week, our cameras witnessed one man from Coalisland spend £120 filling his Datsun Sunny before pushing his motor into Roughan Lough in disgust. Jackie Carr, a 70 year old plasterer, almost made his way to do a job in Donaghmore later in the day using an inventive mode of transport:
“I’m not spending any more of my dole/work money on petrol but I’m too old to walk any distance. So I got an old ironing board and tied two hungry labradors to the front of it. I then asked my grandson to run ahead of the dogs with a couple of raw rump steaks hanging out of his back pockets whilst I sat on the ironing board. We got as far as Newmills before the dogs caught up with the lad and near ate the arse clane off him. To be honest the ironing board was in bad shape by then anyway. The sparks were annoying motorists behind. Back to the drawing board for me.”
Other unsuccessful attempts to avoid the rising cost of fuel saw a teacher from Augher jump the whole distance to Fivemiletown until exhaustion set in halfway down Clogher Main Street and a sales rep from Glenelly float in a bucket down the Glenelly River to his office in Plumbridge before being capsized by a big shoal of salmon.
The rising number of horses parked outside the Ulster Herald offices in Omagh suggests all is not lost. One journalists, nicknamed ‘McSherry’, said he’s never felt freer:
“I rent a mare from a boy in Stewartstown and it’s working out rightly. There’s no better feeling than galloping through Pomeroy and Carrickmore with the wind in yer hair and my laptop flung over me shoulder, sticking two fingers up at the motorists and their dear diesel. Picking up the manure is a bit of a handlin but sure it’s swings and roundabouts. I think it’s a horse anyway.”
Brackaville Ghost May Relocate To Stewartstown
A sad Brackaville Lily
The once-famous Brackaville ghost, who drew millions of people to the area in 2009 after making a few appearances, has announced that unless people start showing her a bit of respect she will pack up and head to Stewartstown who would be crying out for a bit of supernatural shenanigans. ‘Lily’, who says she’s about 200 years young or thereabouts, claims bad manners and general begrudgery has made her life a living hell:
“Ignorant shower of ungrateful living people around here. Yes, they were all over me when the crowds were flocking to the Mullaghmoyle Road after I made a couple of midnight danders outside the house. They couldn’t get enough of me. It was Lily this and Lily that. Newspaper people from England and all. Then I started to hear the grumblings from jealous women up the road who simply didn’t like the thought of their husbands and boyfriends talking about me all the time. Then the men turned on me too in order to placate the women. I’m off. People just drive through me now.”
Lily claims she was also being used as a scapegoat for every misdemeanour in the area from tax evasion to smuggling diesel:
“Yes, that’s correct. Men were being done for non-payment of TV licences, insurance or diesel and in court they’d plead innocence by saying ‘it was the ghost that done it’, claiming I was stealing documents and letters or leaving illegal fuel lying about. The powers-that-be would buy into it for fear of being haunted if they didn’t believe in me. As if I wanted to be at that craic at my age. All I want is a pint in Campbells and a round of golf up the road. I’m 200 for God’s sake.”
Lily claims she may move to Stewartstown before the year is out:
“That is maybe the fresh challenge I need. Sure foreigners don’t even go there. I’d shake that town up.”
Greencastle Woman Accidentally Drives Up Croagh Patrick
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A 28 year old former Miss Greencastle caused chaos on the hills of County Mayo at the weekend after driving up one of Ireland’s tallest mountains in a Nissan Cherry.
Susie McGurk, who briefly hit the headlines in August last year after driving all the way to Dublin in first gear in a Datsun Sunny, was eventually stopped by the Mayo’s Mountain Rescue Service which was patrolling Croagh Patrick.
“To be honest, since the handlin’ to Dublin last year, I solved it by driving everywhere in fifth gear”, said the Greencastle woman, “And most of the time it works. But this business about driving from Greencastle to Mayo and then up Croagh Patrick has me really affronted. Especially as I only meant to go to Gortin to get some mince”.
McGurk drops her down into fourth
McGurk set out on Monday lunchtime and drove for nearly three hours.
“Aye, looking back on it, for a trip to Centra it did seem a wee bit odd”, admitted the hapless McGurk, “But I just thought it was the roadworks on the Blackbog Road slowing everything up”. McGurk soon found herself driving up a rocky mountain path at a 60-degree angle. “Really, I’ve felt worse going over them speed bumps in Carrickmore. I thought nothing of it. The first thing I knew something was wrong was when I saw all these people walking around in bare feet looking exhausted. I thought I had driven into Stewartstown by mistake. It was only when a goat jumped onto the windscreen that I knew something was wrong. So I took it a bit easier and dropped her down into fourth”.
The mountain rescue workers, dressed in bright orange overalls and hard hats, revealed that McGurk did nothing for cross-county relations when she was eventually stopped. McGurk was alleged to have shouted,
“Are you the guys from The Village People? Get out the feckin’ way ye feckers. The Weakest Link starts at 5 o’clock”, before sliding backwards into a ditch, a sheep, and three hill walkers. “Well, there was something wrong with the stupid car”, said McGurk. “This big pillow burst out of the steering wheel for no reason after I bumped into something. Might have been a bull. What’s that all about?”
McGurk is due to sit her driving test next month.
PSNI Discover 24 Old Bottles Of Sunny Delight. Derrytresk Evacuated.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Part of East Tyrone was under alert last night after the PSNI discovered two dozen bottles of Sunny Delight at a house in Balynakilly Road, which had been forgotten about at the back of a cupboard by the owner for 14 years. 150 families were evacuated from Derrytresk and the surrounding area for fear of radiation poisoning, and are currently undergoing tests for contamination.
DI Sean Robertson in a statement said,
“We discovered 24 bottles of a substance popularly known as Sunny Delight, or to give it its chemical name, Agent X. Once we’ve got some of thon deadly big white suit yolks like they use on thon ‘CSI’ programme, we’ll go in for a closer look”.
The deadly substance
Sunny Delight, the adolescent’s drink of choice in the 1990s and bought by the uneducated, the unemployed, and certain types from Stewartstown, lost popularity after it was discovered that once the bottle had sat on a shelf for six months it underwent a thermo-nuclear chain reaction and rapidly gained the half-life of plutonium. A 3-year old 250ml bottle of Sunny Delight is capable of powering a nuclear submarine for two years, or a Killeeshil woman’s mobile phone for a month.
Trillick-based world-renowned professor and bio-chemist Nicholas Steinberg, with whom police are consulting, said,
“Ghost oh. That stuff’s tara. Did you ever see that ‘Alien’ film, with all that acid stuff that came out of the monster? Sunny Delight’s like that. Sigourney Weaver would cack her pants if she turned up in Derrytresk, Ah’m tellin’ ye boys. This is the worse contamination we’ve had since that boy spilled a whole bottle of Tizer in Cabragh in 2006, remember? Still, people need to stay calm. There’s no point anyone over-reacting”, warned Steinberg from behind a gas mask before rushing off to take shelter in an underground bunker.
It was alleged by the British government in 2002 that Saddam Hussein was developing Sunny Delight to use as a chemical weapon by putting it into an empty Fairy Liquid squeezy bottle and squirting it at people. The drink has already been banned by the United Nations under the Geneva Convention, and by all primary schools in the Dungannon and South Tyrone area.
It is expected that Derrytresk residents will be able to return to their homes in around 20 year’s time.
Pope Francis Reportedly Under Pressure To Visit the County
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
His Holiness’s carriage awaits
Speculation from Rome is rife that Pope Francis feels under increasing pressure to visit the county to see what all the fuss is about.
The recent G8 Summit in Enniskillen saw presidents and prime ministers pass through Tyrone, whilst Caledon hosted a royal visit in July when Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall turned up unexpectedly. Meanwhile, pop star Andrea Begley brought publicity to Pomeroy after winning BBC’s ‘The Voice’, whilst Bono himself was apparently spotted wandering about Beragh only last month. Sources believe that the Pontiff feels he is missing out on something, and that he is now desperate to jump on a plane to visit Tyrone.
A source at the Vatican confirmed,
“Mamma Mia! El Papa eeza wanting to veezit Teerone big time, to bless-a da peeeple, and to seek an audience weetha Peta Canavan. Badda bing, badda boom”.
Enthusiastic local priest Father Dick O’Malley of Derrytresk said,
“The Pope has said that he wants ‘a poor church for the poor’. That’s why he should start off at Stewartstown. Jaysus, them poor crayturs. Some of them haven’t even got Sky. No wonder they look miserable. They’ve never even seen an episode of ‘The Sopranos’”.
Dermott O’Malley, a part-time tightrope-stretcher from Greecastle, was just as keen.
“We have a wee ice cream van all ready that we can turn into a Popemobile when His Holiness is whizzin’ about the place. We can leave the ice cream yolk in so he can have a Mister Whippy if he gets a bit hot. Deadly. And we’ve managed to find an old poster of Maradona to put on the side of it to make him feel at home”.
However, not all locals welcomed the news.
“To be honest, I’m fed up with all thon well-knowns turning up”, said Dungannon man Peter Kerr, who runs a local newsagent. “Obama was in here looking for a copy of ‘Lady Senators Monthly’ and he got chased. And thon Charles and Camilly were worse, standing at the back of the the sweetie section gigglin’ away like weans, then running off with penny chews without paying. If His Holiness comes in here with that attitude then I certainly won’t be kissing his ring”.
Speculation regarding a papal visit increased further yesterday following easyjet’s announcement that flights from Rome to Belfast International are now as cheap as £29 including taxes.
Old Railway Line From Cookstown To Dungannon To Become A Massive Ghost Train Ride
How it might look
The old railway line between Cookstown and Dungannon, visiting Stewartstown and Coalisland, may be getting touched up under ambitious plans by the council to create a ‘deadly long ghost train ride’ for bored children and stressed parents. The railway line, last used in the late 50s, has been declared ‘probably near enough intact’ and only requires a bit of hammering here and there as well as hedge cutting and a couple of buildings knocked down.
Madcap optimist Concubar Corr is certain he can pull this off:
“I’m never done hearing about unruly children terrorising East Tyrone by gathering in corners and sniggering whilst parents are out of their wits worried about their social development. Then one day I was hoking around a ditch in Tullyhogue and spotted the disused railway line. The idea hit me straight away – I can use this to solve all our delinquency problems. I can build a ghost train stretching 10 miles and taking 2 hours to complete. 4 hours if you go back the same way.”
Corr has set out the fearsome sights the train passengers will encounter on the journey. They include:
- Boys in Stewartstown jumping out from behind hedges shouting ‘yahoooooo’ and other frightful sounds.
- At Lisnastraine have TV licence men stand about staring at parents on the train or dole officers pretending to take notes.
- In Coalisland there’ll be women striking sliotars at the passengers
- The whole way have planted workers secretly making “wooooooooo” noises every 2-3 minutes
“I understand we need to ask a few householders to knock down internal walls so that the train can follow its original route but we’ll look for compensation for them like 3 free rides or something. Sure won’t it be great craic seeing a train pass through your living room whilst watching The One Show. I already have 41 bookings even though we haven’t checked if the line is still there. I’ve only checked from Cookstown to Sandholes, about 1 mile.”
Rides will cost £20 per child or £100 for a family ticket.
Tyrone News In Brief – July 2013 – O’Driscoll/Snowden/Pomeroy
O’DRISCOLL AND MULLIGAN DROWN SORROWS TOGETHER
Brian – not in deadly form
It emerged this morning that Brian O’Driscoll immediately Skyped Owen Mulligan in Cookstown after hearing he had been dropped from the Lions side to face Australia in the final test. Needing to find comfort in the aftermath of his devastating news, O’Driscoll quickly contacted Mulligan over the Internet and they reportedly drank the night away sharing stories of heartbreak before breaking into a few songs. A source close to Mulligan told us:
“Jaysus Mugsy had some head on him this morning. Apparently they both ran out of liquor at about 3am our time so O’Driscoll told him to drink some oul water that Owen had been cleaning his paint brushes in whilst the Dub quaffed fermented coconut milk. I could hear the whole thing. They were crying at one stage, calling their managers all the names of the day before I heard O’Driscoll break into Dirty Old Town followed by Mugsy’s rendition of Horse It Into Ye Cynthia. It seemed liked great craic. It turned sour at the end though and they effed each other off before calling it a day.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN TO SEEK ASYLUM IN DUNGANNON
Edward Snowden, the US National Security Agency whistleblower, has been offered asylum in Dungannon today, possibly around the White City area of the town. Deputy Lord Mayoress Jane Hurson confirmed that he’d be welcome in Dungannon as long as he abides by a couple of rules:
“Yes, we’re happy to nip in in front of them Koreans, Bolivians or Ecuadorians. Dungannon is a safe haven for boys like Snowden but he’ll have to abide by a couple of conditions. Firstly, he must spend all his money in local shops and not be buying stuff over the Internet. Secondly, he’s not allowed to use his whistleblowing skills in the White City as regards families doing the double, claiming for DLA or dirty diesel. If he does he’ll get some kicking from me.”
Hagan’s Bar have already planned a ‘Snowden Night’ theme with people asked to dress up as spies or Americans or simply bring whistles.
POMEROY IS JUST A BIG SPEED BUMP BETWEEN STEWARTSTOWN AND CARRICKMORE
Under the 100 year document release policy, the Tyrone Council have revealed that Pomeroy was originally built to slow down horses and carts ‘flying’ between Stewartstown and Carrickmore as well as Cookstown to Beragh. Pomeroy burglar Kevin Og Devlin was not impressed:
“It all makes sense now. We thought people were slowing down to take in the majestic views or to marvel at the architecture of the Credit Union, the Medical Hall, the bookies or the vets. Turns out not a bit of it. They’re just slowing down so that the suspension doesn’t wreck itself. You don’t know how bad we feel today to be a glorified speed bump. Well, feck them. We’re blocking off the Termon Road, Tandragee Road, Edendoit Road and the Pomeroy Road for a fortnight. That’ll learn them.”
Stewartstown Ball-Boy Sacked At Wimbledon For Winding Up Players
Coyle throwing a towel on player
Tyrone’s first ever ball-boy at Wimbledon was sent packing today after both tennis players complained about his behaviour on court. Lionel Coyle, an 11-year old student from Donaghendry Road in Stewartstown, had been officiating in only his second Wimbledon game before being escorted off the centre court premises and straight onto a plane from London to Stewartstown. The game in question between Andy Murray and Tommy Robredo carried on regardless with many spectators unaware that one of the ball-boys had been replaced during a break in play.
“He was winding up both players from the start”, referee Peter Willis told us. “He’d loosened all the screws from Robredo’s chair before he sat down on it when he came in. I’d seen him fiddling with the chair beforehand. Then at the end of the first set he handed Andy Murray a banana skin as he’d eaten the banana himself. Worst of all, during the second set he imitated the noise women would make every time both players would hit the ball, like a high pitched squeal and shouting things like “take that ye bollocks” in a Scottish accent. Robredo nearly fought Murray over that comment. It was confusing the spectators and players.”
The players also accused Coyle of messing about during play, throwing them a towel if they asked for a ball. The final straw occurred when he was caught putting glue on the balls was lobbing at the players.
“I was wondering why the balls were sticking to the racquets”, Willis stated. “I kept ordering new balls and the same thing would happen. Then the young lad started firing the balls at wicked speed when the players called for one. A rocket hit Murray on his head and stayed there what with the glue on it. We’ll not be hiring any more ball-boys from Stewartstown again. Maybe Coagh, but not Stewartstown.”
Andy Murray has also requested the return of his favourite sweatbands that mysteriously went missing when Coyle was hoking through his bag looking for “an oul hanky”.
Dullest Man in Urney ‘Mad for The Craic’ As Mid-Life Crisis Threatens
Typical Urney man
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A mind-numbingly boring man from Urney has surprised friends and family by embarking on what he has declared as being “a series of extraordinarily reckless adventures” as a result of a mid-life crisis.
“I suppose my life has been a bit dreary” admitted 43 year old Terence ‘Driller’ McDiarmid, an assistant accountant from Urney, “But all that’s changing. It’s time to start acting all deadly, and boy am I doing that in style. It’s been a long time since my riotous youth when I earned the mad ‘Driller’ nickname”.
McDiarmid’s change in behaviour came when when his wife, long-suffering Angela, noticed he had stopped tying a double-knot in his shoelaces.
“He’s a boring pernickety bollix so he is” she admitted. “So I noticed the change straight away. And I knew something was different when he ate an apple after dinner without washing it first”.
McDiarmid, an ardent Elton John fan, also said he had radically changed his musical tastes by buying every Billy Joel album of the last 20 years.
“I know, it’s madness. Nothing’s off limits. Last night I went to bed and left the hall landing light on the whole night”, said a proud McDiarmid. “And it was a hundred-watter”, he added.
A source close to McDiarmid told us:
“Ah Jaysus, Terry’s the most boring man you’ll ever meet this side of Stewartstown. Ask Driller the time and he’ll tell you how to make the feckin’ clock”.
Other reckless incidents undertaken by McDiarmid in the last two weeks have included eating a yoghurt two days past its sell-by date, going to the shops in the car without wearing driving gloves, and walking to work without an umbrella when the forecast said it might be showery.
McDiarmid now says he is contemplating a complete career change and becoming an insurance broker. Meanwhile, his family have admitted that the nickname ‘Driller’ was given in his teens as a result of his ability to bore everyone to death.
Tyrone Tribulations 