Armagh Insurance Broker Cheekily Stokes Tensions In Moy
Nichol the Monday after Armagh beat Tyrone
An Armagh insurance broker has advertised for ‘insurance against heartbreak if Armagh win the All-Ireland’ in his popular shop in the Moy on the Tyrone/Armagh border.
Mal Nichol, who was the first referee to throw the ball up at the start of a game instead of a bishop in 1968, has been accused of winding up locals with his 30-foot digital advertisement in the middle of the village. Local insurance fanatic and Tyrone fan James Donaghy maintains he’s gone too far this time:
“Oul Mal would be tolerated around these parts as an Armagh man because he gives out deadly insurances. He even insured me against the wife. But he’s taking the biscuit now with this heartbreak offer. The small print says he’ll have a doctor x-ray the heart to see how broken it is if Ciaran McKeever lifts Sam in September. He’s just rubbing it in, so he is.”
Nichol was a track record of stoking tensions in the Moy after he advertised an insurance deal solely for Sean Cavanagh, offering ‘a great deal on holiday insurance for a July fortnight in Magaluf‘ in the run-up to the Armagh/Tyrone game on 13th July. Donaghy added:
“I have no doubt that it affected Sean’s performance that day. He had one eye on the insurance deal I think during the game. I even saw oul Mal in the crowd waving documents any time Sean looked towards him. He’s as cute as a fox.”
Nichol refused to talk directly to us but issued a statement informing us that ‘he has the best interests of the Moy populace at heart and would hate to see all the sad faces in September if they didn’t take up his heartbreak offer and Armagh become champions of Ireland’. He finished the fax with a smiley face.
Local Pilot Loses Licence After Maiden Flight
Aughnacloy’s first fully qualified pilot was excited
An Aughnacloy pilot has lost his Commercial Pilot’s Licence after a series of inappropriate comments whilst in charge of his first major flight from Belfast to Malaga last week.
Eugene McGoldrick, who qualified last year from a flying school in Canada, mistakenly left his microphone on at inappropriate times as well as making ill-advised jokes to the passengers during in-flight announcements.
Experienced air hostess Jenny Dowell from Manchester reckoned it was the most daunting and haunting journey she will probably ever face:
“I don’t know how that man got his licence. For example, just before take off he finished up his first ever introduction to the passengers by saying ‘Good luck, you’ll need it lads‘ before laughing like a maniac. That did not create a sense of calm amongst the flight attendants, never mind the paying public.”
Additionally, half way through the journey he mistakenly turned on his microphone during a game of Connect 4 in the cockpit with the chief flight attendant and screamed as he lost “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, I’M BATE” during a bumpy bit of the journey, sending the passengers into a wild frenzy of panic.
“People were kissing each other goodbye and tears were flowing,” claimed Dowell, and added “even after we’d finally sedated the passengers with free Pringles he then rounded off a disastrous flight by announcing ‘prepare for impact‘ before the landing procedure commenced. People were inflating jackets, blowing whistles and shining lights all over the joint.”
McGoldrick has since applied for a job in Powerscreen.
Dungannon To Boast Highest Number Of Parking Spaces Per Resident In Europe By Next Year
Dungannon is set to launch a world-wide tourism initiative to showcase the quality of its parking facilities.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The announcement follows news that in the last three years Dungannon town centre has generated over £300,000 in revenue from parking in and around the town.
“Castle Hill’s the one we’re proudest of”, declared local councillor Enda McMann. “Fifty-five grand it brought in just in one year. Now that’s a class wee car park if ever I saw one. Worth every penny. Great views of Tyrone when you’re lugging your shopping back to the car. You know, you just can’t put a price on that. Well, actually, you can. £1.20 per hour and 80 pence for each hour thereafter. Mighty”.
He continued,
“You go to places like Coalisland and the parking’s a disgrace there. You’re always reading about the poor parking or the bad driving or the buck eejit traffic wardens on these websites. What’s got into them journalists? Have they nothing better to do with their time? Anyway, come to Dungannon, and there will be parking spaces aplenty, I can assure you of that. London’s got the Thames, Paris has got that museum with the painting of the wummin in it with a face like thunder, but Dungannon has nice wide, clearly define parking bays. Bet them ones in New York couldn’t say that now, could they? We’ll be the envy of the world.”
Congestion in Tesco car park
However, criticism has poured in, accusing Dungannon Council of taking advantage of hard-pressed shoppers who have no alternative but to pay the parking charges.
“We’re getting criticised for taking money off residents of Tyrone”, said McMann. “Nonsense. Don’t worry, it’s all getting poured back into the local community. We’re going to use it to build more car parks. For example, folks is always sayin’ that there’s not enough room in the Tesco car park, and that they’re always parking on top of each other, so we’re going to demolish the Tesco completely and build one really really massive car park. That’ll sort it out. Smart thinking, see?”
The news follows from the announcement last week that by 2020 Omagh is expected to have more bridges than people.
4000 Armagh Fans Duped Into Buying Tickets For Nally Stand In Carrickmore This Year
Armagh fans wait patiently in vain
Thousands of expectant Armagh supporters were said to be beyond anger after it emerged a Carrickmore entrepreneur sold 4000 tickets to Orchard fans for the Nally Stand which now resides at the Carrickmore GAA ground.
Armagh, who hadn’t appeared in Croke Park in decades, panic bought tickets at the last minute from a man in a green and yellow jersey, promising them ‘deadly views of the field’ and brilliant parking for the game against Galway earlier in the year.
Armagh fanatic and Portadown native Anthony Fearon found it hard to put his anger into words:
“I just can’t believe it. My satnav told me to follow this route north to Carrickmore even though I was fairly sure Croke Park wasn’t that direction but we hadn’t been there in years. The wife and I even ate sandwiches from the boot in Pomeroy. The penny really should have dropped.”
The Nally Stand was bought by the Carrickmore club almost ten years ago but had been operating at a loss until this weekend.
Carrickmore PR Yash McCallan admitted:
“It was some coup. We had 4000 Armagh fans packed into the stand at 3:30pm generating us some £80’000 income. The majority of them hadn’t been born the last time they played in Croke Park so it was a fairly expectant crowd. We sort of felt bad and put on an U16 ladies game between Greencastle and Kildress.”
Meanwhile, Fearon admitted that the journey wasn’t wasted as he vowed he’d be back in mid Tyrone to taste again the delicious scones provided at half time by Conor Gormley.
Armagh lost.
“Keep ‘er lit”, Misunderstanding Brings Rookie Clonoe Firefighter’s Career To A Close
A mix-up in communication at a Tyrone fire station on Tuesday night resulted in a three-storey building in the Moy being destroyed.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
New firefighter recruit, 18-year old Declan McClurg, was left in charge of the fire station in Urney on what was normally the quietest night of the week, but received a call-out to the Moy just minutes after his colleagues departed, leaving on his own to man the night shift.
Aye, it was just a wee misunderstanding, that’s all”, said McClurg philosophically, following the fire which caused an estimated £3m of damage. “Could happen to anybody. When the boys were headin’ off home they were shouting ‘keep ‘er lit’ on the way out, so when just ten minutes later I got the 999 call, I thought they meant to go along and keep an eye on the blaze, but not to do anything, or maybe throw on a few sticks. Some handlin’”.
The premises, McGlone Stores in King Street in the Moy, was completely destroyed, leaving the owner Cormac McGlone furious. “I turned up in a panic expecting to see Tyrone’s finest with the hoses out. What did I see but that eejit sitting with a big bag of Co-op marshmallows, toasting them on a stick. Fecker. Didn’t even offer me one”.
McClurg however was quick to offer up a defence. “How was I to know “keep ‘er lit”, is some fancy expression round the Moy? I’m from Clonoe. People should say what they mean. And anyway, them marshmallows was just a wee snack. I even missed my tea break because I was out watching the fire. Jays, you should have seen that thing go up. It was like the end of a James Bond movie. Deadly”.
McClurg, preparing to protect property
McClurg went on to offer his professional advice having completed three days on the job before getting sacked. “You have to be on your guard with fire, see. I dedicated my life to protecting property. Well, for three days anyway. Fire can catch you unawares. Just a few months back my brother-in-law’s bookies shop went on fire. Total write-off so it was. He must have been messin’ about at the time acting the lig, because he said it was an arsin’ claim. No idea how the fire started though. It’s a mystery”.
The fire service refused to comment, but said they had doubts from the start when they spotted McClurg in the station trying to slide up the fireman’s pole.
‘Les Misérables’ Gets The Tyrone West End Treatment In ‘The Pishmires’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local theatre company has announced the staging of its interpretation of the world famous, long-running stage musical, Les Misérables.
The show, ‘The Pishmires’, will be produced by local impresario and director Oliver Carr, and is expected to make its world premier in September.
“We’re very excited”, said Carr very excitedly. “It’s going straight into the west end which shows how confident we are of it popularity. West end of Tyrone that is. The Banter Theatre in Dungannon. It holds nearly 180 people and if we can get the licence for the bar and a lock of free egg sandwiches for the spectators at half-time, it’s guaranteed to be a sell-out. We might even have to do a second night. Class”.
Showing a limited grasp of the synopsis of the current Les Misérables show which has been running in London for over 20 years, Carr said, “We’ve had to make a few wee compromises, like cutting out nearly all of the music. Jaysus, have you heard it? It would put years on you. Singing all the way through, can you imagine? No, that’ll never catch on. That’s why we’re bringing on a talking parrot near the beginning, and then later on a man who can do deadly whistling through his nose. Lighten things up a bit”.
Rehearsals well underway
The original Les Misérables story tells of the lead character Jean Val Jean, who is pursued relentlessly after blatantly breaking parole in Paris, whereas in the Tyrone re-make, the lead character Sean Val Sean, is pursued relentlessly after blatantly breaking wind in Dungannon library.
“It’s not quite finished yet, because we haven’t found a way of getting Susan Boyle into the story”, said Carr. “I’m pretty sure she’s one of the main characters in the original show. That’s tricky. Maybe we could just have her as a big hefty librarian or something”.
Carr is also working on the adaptation of another musical, ‘Wicked’, which includes a delusional man who pretends to be capable of incredible feats by creating an entirely fictional persona. It is expected to feature Joe Brolly.
Tyrone wins Gold in new Commonwealth, ‘Drinking, Fighting, Sleeping’ Triathlon Event
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
To the cheers of delighted fans a team of Tyrone athletes took to the podium in Glasgow yesterday to accept a gold medal, in one of the newest disciplines to be introduced into the modern Games.
The four-man team, mainly from Drumquin, won the new Triathlon ‘Complete Headcase’ event, which include three key disciplines of: drinking 10 pints of Stella without vomiting; fighting in the street with a minimum of 5 passers-by; and sleeping soundly for at least 12 hours with the volume on a nearby television turned up as high as it can go.
In a nail-biting finish, the Drumquin team initially slipped into second place after having lost a 12-point lead after one of the team, 24-year old Feargal Donaghy, wasted 20 minutes picking a fight with a lamp post he mistook for a very thin, very quiet, man. However, the team showed their mettle by gaining bonus points for putting toasted cheese under the grill and then forgetting all about it until the cooker went on fire. The team also impressed judges with their ability to last the entire event without eating anything than a packet of pork scratching between them.
Drumquin athletes at the top of their game
“Their dedication to their sport is amazing”, admitted judge Tarquin Pringle from Canada. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Tyrone produce some of the very best nutters in the whole of the Commonwealth. Seeing them lurch onto the podium to collect the gold medal made my heart sing”.
Proud team leader of the squad Patsy Mirren, said,
“Some say that ‘Complete Headcase’ as an event isn’t a ‘proper’ sport. Jaysus, have you ever watched Mountain Biking? My 12-year old nephew could do that. And fighting’s just the same as the boxing or wrestling, except without the leotards”.He continued, “We nearly got disqualified when they found out we were from Drumquin, because they knew we had an unfair advantage. We’ve been training for this for years. Thon Glasgow boyos in particular gave us some run for our money, but we saw them off early doors at the drinking stage. They’d had a big feed of fried Mars Bars before the event and couldn’t keep up the pace. Mighty”.
Reflecting on the win, Donaghy said, “This gold medal is just phenomenal. We can’t wait to get it back to Tyrone and show it around. Some of them pawnshops in Cookstown will be deadly interested”.
The Tyrone Sports Council have already nominated further events for inclusion at the 2018 Games, including Head -Scratching, Diffing, Giving Directions to Strangers, and Breaking Wind.
Experts Predict More Bridges Than People In Omagh By 2020
Omagh’s oldest bridge, erected in 1988
Following the controversial erection of another bridge in Omagh today, engineering experts have predicted that by 2020 there will be more bridges in the greater Omagh area than people, earning the nickname ‘Little Venice’.
The new bridge, which will not be called the Joe McMahon Bridge despite persistent rumours, is just part of a £4.3m project to make the place look a bit better and it is hoped that Catholics and Protestants will both use the bridge to share stories about what they eat and drink and stuff like that.
Reaction to the bridge has been mixed this morning. Angler Sean Devine told us:
“Like everyone else, I like nothing more than a good bridge but I’d be a bit worried about what these experts are saying. If there are going to be more bridges than people in Omagh it’s going to take the novelty away a bit. Then there’ll be rakes of men with poles on gondolas and trolls and all the side effects of having 20’000 bridges in the town.”
Lisa Foster (24) added:
“I’ve nothing against meeting Catholics on bridges and already this morning I’ve spoken to about five and shared spices and toiletries but the seasickness is killing us. Everywhere you step in Omagh you’re on a bridge looking down on water and the place is covered in vomit now from the queasiness. Anyway, 58% of the bridges have been named after Catholics and that’s not a good example of a shared future, is it?”
Meanwhile authorities have promised that Little Venice’s next bridge which is due to be erected in September will be named after a Protestant, probably someone who player for Glasgow Rangers in the 80s.
Strabane Ice Cream Man Rips Off Terrorised Customers
Mr Frosty
Strabane District Council have warned locals not to buy off an ice cream man circling the town and country areas after it was revealed how extortionate the vendor was, exploiting the unbearably good weather and thirsty customers.
Mr Frosty arrived on the Strabane scene two weeks ago after recognising a gap in the ice cream market in the surrounding area. To the tune of ‘My Boy Lollipop’, the ice cream man has been terrorising a sun-baked community by charging £6.99 for a 99 or £5.99 without the flake.
Local hairdresser Johnny McElhinnion explained:
“We need the UN to intervene or Points of View or something. We’re frying up here in this heat and that man is driving us mad with his music and lovely white van. It’s an oasis in the desert but he’s ripping us off. I bought my daughter and her friends a round of 99s last week and it cost me £69. When you see their wee faces you cannot go back on the transaction. But see if I meet Mr Frosty in a dark alleyway he’ll want to top himself and not the ice cream, which also costs an extra £5 by the way.”
Mr Frosty, who normally goes by the name of Mr Frost, is adamant that he’s simply an honest man making a living in a tough climate:
“Listen, I’m sitting all day in this van listening to My Boy Lollipop and people screaming at me from the fields and sides of the road. I feel like Elvis Presley. Everyone wants a piece of me. £6.99 for an ice cream with flake is nothing to these people with their iPads and loom bands. What price a child’s happiness? It’ll be £7.99 next week.”
Investigations reveal Mr Frosty was chased out of Clady last year after it was revealed he sloppingly licked the 99s of the children who didn’t have enough money on them before handing the 99 over over.
‘Tyrone-Shaped Omelette’ Destined To Replace Brooks At Croke Park
The Omagh Omelette
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The creation by an Omagh housewife of an omelette that coincidentally looks ‘almost exactly like Tyrone’, is expected to take pride of place in a hastily-convened showcase at Croke Park.
44-year old Philomena McCaughey was making a two-egg cheese omelette for her husband Peader, when she noticed that it looked quite like Tyrone.
“It’s mighty. It looks almost exactly like Tyrone if you look at it sideways-on with your eyes closed a wee bit. And I had thrown on a big pile of grated Crackerbarrel that made it look just like the Sperrins, especially if the Sperrins were yellow and a bit more cheesy-looking”.
McCaughey’s husband admitted that the eggy phenomenon looked a little less like Tyrone after he devoured the south eastern part of the omelette, around Clonfeacle, whilst waiting for RTE to turn up.
“Aye, that’s true. I was as hungry as a horse because we had run out of eggs and Philomena hadn’t been to Newell Stores yet. I just had a wee corner of it though. It now looks like Aghaloo’s been wiped off the map, but sure, they won’t mind. It still looks deadly”.
He went on,
“RTE never turned up. Their loss. The very least we were expecting was Sky News and some reporters from London, or maybe some of them celebrity chefs like Jamie Olivers or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. In the end we just took a photo of it and stuck it in the fridge next to the Kerrygold”.
The pair have offered to stage an exhibition of the so-called ‘Omagh Omelette’ at Croke Park in place of the cancelled Garth Brooks’ concerts later this week.
“At least people would still get their money’s worth”, said Peader. “We’d have the Omelette on a big video screen and Philomena could play the spoons while I sing Friends In Low Places, so that people still think they’re getting a bit of the Brooks’ magic, while they’re looking at the Omelette. I’m some chanter once I get going. And for a lock of extra pounds I’d be happy doing a couple of matinee performances”.
In 2012 McCaughey dug up a potato in his father-in-law’s field which had an exact resemblance to England footballer Wayne Rooney, before digging up a further 200 potatoes that also had an exact resemblance to Rooney.
Tyrone Aim For 10 Gold Medals In Shooting At Commonwealth Games
Ardboe competitor at first practice
Around 60 middle-aged men from Carrickmore, Galbally, Kildress, Coalisland and Ardboe will make their debuts today in the Commonwealth Games in Scotland, with high expectations of bringing home a rash of medals despite no official training.
The athletes arrived over in a convoy of six white vans yesterday, claiming they purposely avoided the opening ceremony because of the amount of cameras and men in uniform about the arena.
Early practice ironed out a few problems, especially after the majority turned up camouflaged with ferns and brackens from home. Additionally, many of their guns appeared to be covered in turf, as if unearthed just recently.
Jackie ‘eagle-eye’ McDermott (61) from Kildress was disappointed that the categories were not what they expected them to be:
“Yes a few things have annoyed us but we’ll tear away anyway. They said we are not allowed to wear any facial coverings but some of these lads shoot far better with what we now call ‘head-warmers’ on them. But rules are rules I suppose. The dark sunglasses and moustaches will do ok. Sniping doesn’t seem to be a category at all too.”
Unfortunately three men were sent home after early practice this morning for shouting ‘yeeoooo’ and a three-worded saying in Irish every time they hit a target, despite repeated warnings. One of the threesome, Peter Bradley (54) from Ardboe, dejectedly explained:
“Ghost-oh we got thrown out. It was a natural reaction, like, from years ago. I suppose shouting abuse at the English shooters was bad manners. We’ll be back in four years though with a better idea of the format. We haven’t gone away ye know.”
Meanwhile, another shooter, Hugh Devine (49) from Carrickmore, has been sent home for testing positive for homemade brew as well as making animal noises when rival air rifle competitors were aiming.
Fire Services Called After Clonoe Man Spends Entire Day In Size 32-Waist Trousers
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Clonoe was yesterday recovering after having spent the day close to permanent suffocation, brought on by putting on a pair of stone-washed slim-fit jeans he bought in 1986.
Standing in front of the mirror, 18-stone lorry mechanic Marty ‘Nimble’ Flanagan from Coole Road had insisted to girlfriend Shauna that ‘they fit as well as the day I bought them’, and spent the rest of the day becoming progressively more purple in the face as he refused to admit they were at least four sizes too small.
“Aye, if my face hadn’t been so purple it would have really red”, admitted Flanagan. “I didn’t want to back down after telling Shauna that I could still slip into a 32 waist trouser and to be honest it took me so long squeezing into the damn things that it would’ve taken another hour to get them off. It was like trying to squeeze a balloon into a box. Besides, once I was up on my feet I couldn’t really bend down”.
The problem was worsened by Flanagan going to Loughran’s Bar to show off his slender frame to friends, consuming six pints of Stella, and then finding himself unable to either unzip his flies or undo the button.
“Aye, poor Nimble”, said one of his friends, Sean Gallagher, also from Clonoe. “He looked like an enormous Ribena berry. Still, it’s his own fault. He’s acts like he’s at his fighting weight all the time, pretending he’s always at the health foods and salads and suchlike. Some chance. His idea of salad is a plate of cold chips, the clift”.
The fire service were duly called who had to use a pair of bolt cutters to remove the button from Flanagan’s trousers, which was under so much pressure that it shot off and demolished the entire row of optics behind the bar, followed by Flanagan breaking wind with such force that one of the firefighters was taken to Dungannon Hospital with a perforated eardrum.
Flanagan previously had a visit from the fire brigade in February of this year when he had to be removed from a ‘Frankie Says Relax’ t-shirt that he had purchased in 1984.
Ireland Might Be ‘Put Down’ After Gaza Vote Says Tyrone Psychologist
Ireland – a tired old woman?
Following Ireland’s decision to abstain from a UN Human Rights Council vote on whether to launch a commission of inquiry into Israel’s offensive in Gaza, a Carrickmore medical expert has hinted that Ireland may be in the advance stages of dotage now with eye-sight almost entirely gone and left vulnerable to bullies.
The diagnosis was forwarded by fax to the Head of Medical Practices in Dublin with a recommendation that the nation be ‘put down’ before it comes out with something that’ll embarrass us for centuries, hurting tourism and overseas sales of Tayto and Guinness:
“If Ireland was a dog….well you know the rest,” Dr Henry McCallan informed us by, again, fax. “It’s obvious that its eyesight is so completely banjaxed that it cannot distinguish between extreme violation of human rights from a bit of ‘carry on out there’ as one politician told me yesterday.”
The doctor was also worried about Ireland being taken advantage of by younger and cleverer nations who promise to cure her of all her ails if Sean-Bhean Bhocht plays ball with her:
“Yes, that’s a big worry. Kathleen Ni Houlihan appears to be in a vulnerable state and will jump as high as she’s told. I’m aware of a particular young, devious and powerful predator out west who was been promising her all manner of treasures as long as she toes the line. I think we need to put her out of her misery before we’re stripped of all respectability. She’s undoing all her good work such as The Book of Kells, WB Yeats and Johnny Logan.”
The move to put her to sleep follows other examples of irrational behaviour in recent times such as appointing Roy Keane in a role of responsibility and making a cod out of a C&W singer.
Moortown Firefighters Rescue Duck From Lough Neagh
The Ballyronan Duck
As onlookers burst into a round of spontaneous applause, ten Moortown firefighters finally rescued a duck from the Lough after a 4 hour ordeal this morning.
The duck, thought to be from the Ballyronan area, was reported to authorities at 9am this morning by a woman out walking her four Labradors on the Ardboe Road.
Eleanor Quinn identified a worried look from the duck and quickly made the 999 call before it drifted out any further.
“I knew by the look of it that it was in a spot of bother. It sort of had a frown and the quacks were of a tired nature – like as if it had been out there for hours maybe even days. I know that the Lough can eventually lead to the Atlantic Ocean and people wouldn’t have batted an eyelid to see it float down the Bann. I knew I had to act now.”
The rescue operation, which involved an old disused fishing boat and a £1 net for catching frog spawn, took over four hours to complete such was the duck’s reluctance to trust the boat full of ten uniformed local men.
“Yes the duck was stubborn. We debated shooting it with a tranquilizer dart but with the eyes of the world on us we went the humanitarian way. Fortunately the duck finally saw sense and flew back to Ballyronan.”
There will be a parade through Moortown tonight in honour of the courageous firefighters who admit this was the first bit of action they have experienced since Brian McGuigan got his head stuck in a barrel in 2006.
Tyrone Man Sent Home From British Open After Series Of Allegedly Rude Comments
Coalisland man Jack Fitzgerald has been issued with a three-year Open Championship ban after officials got fed up of his series of rude jokes over 4 days at the Hoylake course.
Fitzpatrick, who claims he was just lightening up ‘a serious shower of people‘, was warned 14 times over the weekend before being evicted after a comment left Rory McIlroy visibly shook up on the 17th tee.
The comment which broke the patience of the Hoylake officials was when Fitzgerald innocently bellowed:
“you need to wash yer balls, Rory”
Rory had to take five minutes to chat to his psychologist before clinching his first British Open. Fitzgerald claims he was simply looking after his countryman and that he’d say the same to any Irish golfer after a wintery day on the course.
“This is another example of the PC brigade gone crazy. On Friday I was made to pay a fine of £40 after shouting ‘look at the size of his putter’ at Tiger Woods’ yoke. Then on Saturday I roared at Darren Clarke ‘that’s a quare and big hole you’re looking at’. His caddie went clean mad thinking I was slagging him. I was only trying to boost Darren’s confidence.”
Brackaville par 3 golf course have pledged to run a course on proper etiquette next week
Moy Couple To Appear On Jeremy Kyle Over Theft Of Gypsy Creams
The source of the strife
Following the appearance of a Derry couple recently on The Jeremy Kyle Show over marital shenanigans, a Moy man and his wife are to go on the show to finally find out who has been secretly eating half a packet of Gypsy Creams after dinner every Sunday.
Colin MacKill, a high ranking official at the local GAA club, and his wife Sheila have been enjoying a blissful partnership apart from Sunday evenings when the Gypsy Cream fiasco kicks off every week without fail.
Sheila, who has been accepted onto one of Richard Branson’s space flights in the near future, is adamant the lie detector test is a waste of time:
“This is ridiculous. Colin goes out to the shed every Sunday at 6pm and comes back in with chocolate all over his face. All over his face! Even his teeth are brown for a couple of hours. Going on this show is madness. I know he’s eating the Gyspy Creams. How come he never is hungry then for a salad cream sandwich before bed?”
Colin, an avid one-mile runner, is steadfast on his reasons for going on the show:
“This needs to be sorted once and for all. She goes on about the shed thing but sure I’m just out oiling chains and stuff. Every time I come back in she’s chewing away in front of the TV and half a packet of the Gypsy Creams are gone. And she’s not chewing the cud as she says. This lie-detector test will settle it. Great publicity for The Moy too.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone couple will have appeared on Kyle’s show. In 2006, an Aughnacloy couple went on to prove who was passing wind and rifting during the night. A CCTV camera proved it was Mrs Gildernew.
Drunk Doctor Escapes Arrest After Claiming His Dog Cycled Him To The Shop
A common sight in Strabane?
A Strabane cyclist evaded jail after he claimed his dog cycled him to the shop with him on the dog’s back.
Dr Kenny Curley, a respected GP and avid cyclist, was questioned by police at 1am this morning after his local off-licence cashier reported him for being ‘blind drunk’ and ‘trying to pay for his items inside the cooling fridge’.
On arrival, PSNI Inspector McAuley noticed his mountain bike was mangled and sought permission to issue an arrest for drunken cycling. Shop worker Cathy King explained:
“He was rightly leathered, banging into walls and knocking over pyramids of beer. I noticed cuts and bruises all over his body and saw that his bike was banjaxed. It was when the doctor stepped into the fridge and tried to pay for his goods that I phoned the cops. I don’t know if he had rehearsed this but he told the policeman that his dog cycled the bike and that he climbed onto the dog’s back for the half-mile journey. And to give him credit, his dog was lying beside the bike, exhausted.”
Inspector McAuley was unable to prove the claim either way and let Dr Curley off with a stern warning that dogs probably shouldn’t be riding bikes even though it wasn’t in the Highway Code but also reminded him not to be piggybacking anyway. The inspector also demanded that McAuley walked home with his dog and cast doubt on the dog’s ability to reach the pedals but agreed to let him off this time. Dr McAuley proceeded to buy four cans of Coors.
Dr Curley’s dog, Peter the Pomeranian, remained calm throughout the whole ordeal.
Misunderstanding Over Pensioner’s ‘Dirty Books’ Cleared Up
Prancett on his doorstep
A misunderstanding over an innocent request saw 3000 locals angrily converge on a Tattyreagh pensioner’s house before order was restored after a three-minute stand-off.
The incident occurred after Lionel Prancett’s grandchildren loudly asked him in the packed local shop if they could ‘go to his shed and have another look at those dirty books’.
Prancett explained:
“I was clearing out the shed recently when I came across hundreds of old dusty comics I’d kept over the years. There were Toppers, Beanos and Dandys by the dozens. They were fairly decomposed and cobwebbed but readable. I showed them to the grandchildren and they were mesmerised by the antics of Desperate Dan and Dennis The Menace.”
The shop incident initiated a stampede as up to 40 shoppers ran after Prancett before he had the chance to explain, some of them breaking off tree branches and lighting them. Due to the power of social media, 3000 turned up on his doorstep within 15 minutes, baying for a live lynching, the first in the area since 1988.
Chief chaser Paddy O’Brien explained:
“Ah it was a misunderstanding just. All is well now. We apologised for kicking his garden ornaments to smithereens but at least a lesson has been learned here. We just need to work out what it was.”
Prancett says he intends to remain living in Tattyreagh but intimated that this was another ‘pretend misunderstanding’ by locals just because his father was actually born in Loughmacrory. We was also chased a year ago from the same shop after telling a buxom cashier that she was ‘well-stacked’ after he saw a mountain of crisps on offer on the counter.
Tyrone GAA Golden Generation Breeding Programme Details Revealed
Garvaghey Room of Love
A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
Morgan concluded:
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
46% of Tyrone Men Allergic To Picnics, Survey Finds
Picnic in Gortin yesterday
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Findings by the Institute of Ulster has discovered that nearly half of all Tyrone men have a genetic aversion to summer picnics.
The report published earlier this week, confirmed a fact which many in the county already suspected, which is that men have a hypersensitivity to sitting in middle of a dunged field eating scotch eggs and cheese and onion sandwiches.
Researcher Wolfgang O’Neill explained,
“These are very unusual findings. Show a Dungannon man a tartan rug and he’s likely to break into a sweat and start muttering about having to clean the gutter or paint the garage. Under laboratory conditions we tested over a dozen men from Fintona, and every single one of them started shouting, ‘the rain’s on its way’, every time we showed them a vacuum flask. Bizarre”.
The study also showed that when the Tyrone men are placed within an al fresco picnic environment, the symptoms of the allergy begin to intensify. These vary, but can include fidgeting, sighing extremely loudly, and looking at watches, to extreme irritability, yelling at children, and and getting blind drunk.
“Aye, that sounds about right”, said chronic picnic allergy sufferer Padraig Kershaw from Omagh. “My wife’s mad for the picnics, so she is. First glimpse of sunshine and she’s got the feckin’ windbreak out. Where’s the joy in sitting in the middle of Dungannon Park surrounded by midges, watching the clouds rolling in, eating tomato sandwiches?”
Another, 52-year old Patsy McGurk from Aughabrack, said,
“Al fresco? Don’t know him. Don’t want to. Know what I hate most about picnics? No back support. It’s worse than sitting on a bloody beach. We’re built for barbeques. If I’m going to get chronic food poisoning, I’d rather have it in my own garden, not some damn field miles from anywhere. At least at home you can have a decent bowel movement in comfort. I’m too old for squatting over a bloody clump of thistles”.
Extreme sufferers of the condition were found to have other symptoms in common, including involuntary shouting, ‘we’d best be getting back’, every time they saw a Tupperware box.
Tyrone Tribulations 