Author Archives: Gombeen
Loughshore Metal Detecting Man Despondent After Error
Scotch and Brennan
A flying metal detecting enthusiast was last night described as downbeat after he realised his plane was setting off his detector and not valuable artefacts under the moss around the loughshore, 1000 feet below the plane.
Jim Scotch, who has been on the hunt for archeological finds for many years, was convinced he was on to something big for the last year after his metal detector was bleeping furiously any time he took to the sky. Best friend and fellow historian Jack Brennan admitted it was a bit of a blow for Scotch:
“Aye, he’s a bit pissed off like. He had me convinced that there was some kind of metal ship or ancient city under the bog around Derrylaughan even though it made no sense from that distance up. He’d been flying every day over the area mapping where the bleeper was going off like mad and to be honest it was everywhere. That’s when the penny dropped with me.”
Brennan carefully approached Scotch about the possibility that it might be the plane setting off the detector and was met by a swift dig to the jaw.
“I think he was taking it out on me. 12 months down the drain, like.”
Scotch turned on the detector and found no evidence on metal under the bog whilst on foot and admitted his error after it bleeped non-stop when he went near his plane.
“He took it badly and cursed everyone, even the church. Then he tramped and jumped up and down on his detector, smashing it to pieces. I wouldn’t have minded normally, only I loaned him it. He even kicked his wee plane.”
Scotch was unavailable for comment.
Doubts Cast On Educational Value Of Priests’ Trip To Beer Festival In Germany
1954 trip to Germany
A group of priests from the Clogher Diocese have been accused of wasting parishioners’ donations after they attended a three-day beer festival in Germany last week. The 20-strong group strenuously maintain the purpose of the visit was simply educational as they were gathering vital info on ‘what young one are into these days‘ and that they also attended Mass every day ‘so it wasn’t all fun and games.’
Fr Hurson, PP of Edendork, attended the weekend and was first to face the press, wearing dark sunglasses and talking rather gruffly:
“I’m shocked and dismayed at these allegations. You can’t accuse us of not being in touch with the younger generation and then as soon as we make an attempt to integrate ourselves we’re castigated for over-indulgence. There was none of that. The lads averaged 10 pints a day and that’s not that bad when you consider we were on the batter from 12pm tip midnight each night.”
Archbishop Devlin, originally from Greencastle, re-endorsed this stance:
“This is a yearly tradition and a valuable insight into modern things. The boys brought home some very interesting observations about the effects of German beer on the mind as well as a few samples for us in the hierarchy. And it must be said, the Germans can make a fine brew.”
Kitty Graham, an avid mass-goer from Tattyreagh, was not convinced of the educational value of such a junket:
“These boys are some craic. I was at mass this morning and one of the culprits, Fr Loughran, was in no fit state to say it. He completely missed out the gospel, make a terrible knock knock joke and was in really bad form with one of the altar boys who sneezed. He seemed badly hungover.”
Clogher official Bishop Farry has cancelled next month’s expedition to Amsterdam.
Healy Park Scoreboard Man Hospitalised With RSI. Stable Now.
McCabe in happier times
Carlito McCabe, who works the scoreboard at Healy Park in Omagh, was described as ‘stable’ today after he was admitted late last night with Repetitive Strain Injury. McCabe, who was on duty during Tyrone’s 5-16 to 0-7 hammering of neighbours Armagh, began complaining on the way home of pains in his wrists and elbows before couping onto the pavement outside The Silver Berch with excruciating stiffness. According to Zappettini & Bradley – this type of injury would be defined as a workplace injury.
Healy Park gateman and close friend, Kieran McMahon, is adamant the Mickey Harte and his Tyrone side should issue a formal apology to his fellow clubman.
“I knew he was in trouble at half time. Tyrone had already racked up 2-10 by that stage and that’s some getting up and down in the cold weather for McCabe. I sent word into the Tyrone changing room at half time to tone it down a bit for McCabe but you know yourself, Mickey can be a headstrong fellow. We saw that when Tyrone scored another goal within 30 secs of the restart. It was a dagger through the heart of McCabe who had only managed to sit down after a boul of soup. I should’ve said nothing.”
McCabe maintains he will seek compensation from the Tyrone County board.
“The elbow is banjaxed. When Tyrone scored their 5th goal all I could shout was ‘Sweet Jaysus and The Holy Donkey’. Them there numbers are heavy. I’ll be expecting a couple of pounds from both county boards. “
Tyrone County Board issued a statement offering best wishes to McCabe for a speedy recovery but told him to count his lucky stars for all those wides in the first half.
‘Strictly’ Fever Has Taken Tyrone Men By Storm
Cabragh man dancing deadly
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The success of the the BBC’s recent series of Celebrity Come Dancing has kick-started a ballroom dancing revolution amongst men across the County.
Barny Patton, a farmer from Carnteel, admitted that the dancing bug had got a hold of him.
“I’ve always been forward thinking when it comes to technology. I see myself as a bit of a Fred Astaire and having no sense of rhythm whatsoever isn’t going to stop me. And neither is a club foot. Dancing’s class. There’s nothing I like more than slipping into my tailcoats and top hat after I’ve finished rounding up the cattle.”
Asked for his expert view to help make sense out of the phenomenon, Russian-born former top ballroom dancer Demitri Vladovic addedd,
“Them Tyrone boyos are mad hoors for the ballroom. It’s all high kicks and suchlike any time you see a group of men round Dungannon Square. They can’t get enough of it. Walk into Paddy Power in Scotch Street and it’s like Riverdance ”.
“They do the zumba in Killeeshil Community Centre every Monday night, and I reckoned they’d go wild for the ballroom”, admitted dance enthusiast Gareth McAvoy, a 42-year old mechanic from Cabragh . “So I walked straight in and grabbed this big redhead by the waist and leaned her backwards like in thon picters of returning American GIs, until her head was nearly on the floor. Classy? You’d think so, but she didn’t. And neither did the police. £300 fine and an injunction from going within 500 yards of the community centre for the next two years. Tara”.
Sources confirmed that many hen sheds across the County have secretly been converted into make-shift ballrooms.
“I didn’t think much of it to begin with”, said wife Sheila Cunningham. “Why shouldn’t my husband install a 3-foot wide glitterball hanging down from the roof? I just thought it was there to cheer them poor wee chickens up. But when I saw him execute a perfect cross-body lead with reverse turn whilst scooping three dead hens up off the floor, I started to have a few suspicions”.
Other men confirmed that they struggled to find an outlet for their passion.
“I went to Mantis Night Club in Omagh on Saturday”, explained 23-year old slaughterhouse worker Frankie Cush from Drumquin. “I thought it would be the perfect location to throw a few of my new ballroom moves, but it was a fiasco. You try doing the pasa doble to ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ by the Prodigy. I ended up having to switch to the rhumba. I was mortified”.
Meanwhile, the influence of reality television shows continues unabated following reports of a surge in menfolk banning wives from kitchens whilst they have a ‘mad try at the baking’.
Tanning Studio In Strabane Closed Down Following Customer Complaints
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A controversial retail outlet which opened in Strabane last week was temporarily closed by health officials on Monday pending an investigation into lack of safety practices and potential impropriety.
‘The Tan in Strabane’, a tanning studio in Urney Road, owned and operated by farmer Eamon Nugent, was investigated by trading standard officials from Omagh following numerous complaints.
Nugent defended his shop putting it down to what he called ‘teething troubles’.
“I’ve been in the tanning industry a long time”, he said. “Twice to Benidorm and a week in Bundoran last July during that boiling hot spell. Mighty. There’s not much I don’t know about getting a tan”.
Customers have accused the services of falling far below their expectations, including the ‘Super Deluxe All-Over Tanning Booth’, which consisted of Toner in a pair of dungarees holding two roller brushes and a bucket of what apparently looked suspiciously like creosote.
“Creosote? How dare you. Not in my establishment”, bristled Nugent. “I use nothing but the finest products. Anyway, if it was good enough for 200 yards of timber fence, it’s good enough for some of the wemin round these parts. Thon last coat went on in 2008 and it still looks like new. What are they complaining about?”
Other complaints relate to the ‘Nail & Beauty Bar’, consisting of a pair of pliers, a wire brush, and some sandpaper. Nugent was also accused of over-charging a generously-proportioned customer for a tanning session on account of her size.
“Aye, she was a big unit all right”, admitted Nugent. “I told her that because of the extra beef on her she’d get charged more so I slapped on an extra tenner. Materials aren’t free you know. Should have charged her per square foot. I’d have made a buckin’ fortune”.
Trading standards official Ronan Docherty, said,
“What are people playing at anyway, trying to get tan round these parts? It’s hardly Donaghmore is it? They’re not wise in Strabane. They’re trying to compete with all these Europeans types that have moved here when everyone knows that Strabane people can do two colours – tomato or snow. Half them ones that went to that shop would get burnt looking a picture of the moon. Eejits”.
The salon is closed until further notice.
Coalisland Undertaker Told To Stop Winking And Smiling At Old People
Dorman, just very friendly?
Worried Coalisland residents have signed and handed in a petition to local undertaker Padjoe Dorman, demanding that he maintain a consistent facial expression whilst out and about in the town.
Dorman, who claims he has absolutely no special ability to predict when old people will expire, has been accused of worrying hundreds of pensioners since he expanded his business last month by adding on an extension at the back of his premises. 77-year old retired wrestler Kenny Campbell from Annagher told us of his ordeal:
“I met Dorman outside the butchers on Christmas Eve and he winked at me with a smirk on his face. Then he says ‘I hope ye get time to ate that ok’. He’s trying to scare us into the grave. Some operator.”
81 year old Mary McAleer from Newtownkelly added to the catalogue of complaints:
“That man has me tortured. At the local nativity play in the Primate Dixon school he kept looking over at me and sizing me up and down, like as if he was measuring me. Then he nodded at me and closed his eyes really slowly. I’m not imagining it. I didn’t sleep for days after it and had to get nerve tablets. To be honest I’m still not well.”
Dorman has denied any accusations of skulduggery:
“I’m just a friendly fellow. I’m an ‘Island man to the core and I love my people, alive or dead. And to show no ill feeling towards those on the petition, if any of them die within the next five years, I’ll throw in a free embalming session. Now, you can’t get much better than that.”
Dorman also added he has opened an off-licence at the back of his premises.
Man Shunned For Going To See Pianist
A 45-year old car mechanic from Carrickmore was today said to be disconsolate and despondent after being ignored or ridiculed all weekend as it emerged he attended a live performance of an Italian pianist in Belfast.
Malachy McCallan, who only went because there was a free ticket going, let the cat out of the bag when he was tagged in a Facebook comment by his posh cousin in Donaghmore. Responding to his cousin’s Facebook status update ‘Having a great time at the Waterfront watching Ludovico Einaudi‘, McCallan wrote ‘Aye, he’s quare and good on the pianer‘ for which he received dog’s abuse from his family and friends.
His father, John, was adamant that it was his mother’s side of the family he took this interest from:
“Who the feck does he think he is? None of my ancestors were into that stuff. Her family come from Down somewhere so that might explain that. He’s some bollocks though.”
Brother in law Peter Cammel, a speed-plasterer, added to the chorus of discontent:
“Does he think he’s all it now? Swanning about there listening to pianer music and stuff. There’s a name for boys like that around here.”
Malachy tried to make amends last night by wearing a Gareth Brooks hoodie to mass and listening to ACDC with his windows down but to no avail. During his sermon, Fr Kelly remarked:
“People need to remember where they come from and not get above themselves like Judas did. What McCallan did was very close to adultery.”
McCallan has vowed to refuse any free tickets in future unless they involved country, heavy metal or local traditional talent.
Nudist Beach Planned For Washingbay
Buck naked bathing here soon
Secret documents filed in a filing cabinet in Derrylaughan have revealed that The Washingbay Restoration Committee have commenced discussions aimed at increasing tourism in East Tyrone. One of the most adventurous plans is to create a nudist beach down at the Washingbay, behind the Kevin Barry’s football field.
A committee member who wishes to remain nameless but goes by the name ‘Kennedy’ explained the thinking:
“Years ago, thousands would descend on these shores during the summer from faraway places like France, Bulgaria, America and Glenelly. Then the clergy started shouting about the fumbling going on at night in the cars as romantic couples courted to the backdrop of eels and pollans dancing in the Lough. Before long, the weeds had grown up and the potholes were ruining the lawnmowers. We want to restore the bay to its former beauty with a bit of a twist. Buck naked bathing.”
The first of its kind in Ireland, customers must abide by two rules:
- NO LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS
- NO SCRATCHING
Kennedy maintains this initiative could propel the county into the 21st century:
“If you go to America or Sweden, there bes people with nothing on them walking into bars and shops and stuff and no one bats an eyelid. If this goes ahead, Tyrone will be mentioned in the same breath as Los Angeles or Sydney. We just need to get the weeds cut down and drain the lough a little to create a bit more room around the edges. And import sand and perhaps use some of those big heaters you find in beer gardens.”
The approximate cost of a nudist beach runs into £400’000 but Kennedy confirmed he has a promise of half a million pounds from a few local businessmen, clergy and turf dealers if this proposal gets the green light.
Diary Of Drumragh Full Back To Rival Mulligan Book On Shelves. Exclusive Extracts.
An explosive ‘warts and all’ publication by a Drumragh footballer is predicted to wipe the floor with Owen Mulligan’s best-seller ‘Mugsy’ when it is released this weekend in a shop near Tattyreagh. Barney McLoughlin’s ‘ She’s Mine, Boys‘ tells the story of a season in the full back position for one of Tyrone’s most famous clubs against the backdrop of his attempts to win the heart of local farmer girl who’s only related really far out.
In a coup for Tyrone Tribulations, McLoughlin has allowed us access to his sensational autobiography and we are in a privileged position to leak a couple of mind-boggling extracts to our readers.
Jan 15th
FIRST DAY OF TRAINING
Holy Jaysus I did some vomiting there. The boss made us do 2 laps of the field followed by 100 star jumps. We’re not used to this modern hi-tech stuff so the lads are a bit suspicious of boss Maguire. ‘He’s tramping us into shite’ said captain Toner half way through the first lap. We grin and bear it anyway and what keeps me going is the thought that Mary will be in the house treating my da’s veruca in her nurse’s uniform. Even when I’m throwing up I’m thinking of her thick black hair that seems to merge into her skin around her neck, back and front.
March 18th
AWAY TO BROCAGH
Some bating we took. I think it was 4-23 to 1-1 although the referee gave them everything. We might appeal but the boss always says that. My man scored 4-10. On the way home we had some craic and captain Toner mooned out the window at Owen Mulligan in his garden in Cookstown. As luck would have it, Mugsy was mooning at the exact same time to the Tyrone management team so he completely missed us. Mooning is great and bonds us all together or so Captain Toner says. He takes his trousers off a lot come to think of it.
JULY 19th
CHAMPIONSHIP DAY
Took some hiding from Dungannon. I think my man scored 5-12 but I was hung out to dry by the corner backs. I was glad to get home and Mary was treating my father’s bunions. I didn’t know he had any so I’m a bit suspicious now as he’s not related at all to her. I will buy a cord jacket and impress her.
DECEMBER 24TH
LAST LEAGUE GAME
Took a hiding from Fintona. My man scored 3-11 and was taken off at half time. Didn’t finish bottom though and we’re delighted about that. Christmas tomorrow. We all sang Christmas songs in the showers. Captain Toner went a bit far though and gave half the side a personal rendition of Santa Baby, in the nude. Came home to give Mary her present. Wore my cord jacket. Daddy had lipstick all over his face……
The rest of this riveting autobiography ‘She’s Mine, Boys‘ can be purchased for £19.99 at two or three decent bookstores.
Report Confirms Many People Still Working Their Way Through Christmas Food
Lunch in Edendork
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A study carried out yesterday by the Northern Ireland Institute of Studies confirmed that the majority of people in Tyrone continue to stuff themselves senseless in an effort to get through all the left-over Christmas food before it goes past its sell-by date.
“Christmas itself was bad enough, but this is beyond a joke”, complained 54-year old Nuala O’Neill from Brocagh, through a mouthful of Tesco’s ‘Taste The Difference’ Plum Pudding. “I nearly gave myself the boke after eating a dozen roast potatoes out the fridge that had been there since Boxing Day. To be honest they were completely rancid, but they needed eaten. Can’t have these things going to waste you know”.
Mary Gough from The Moy agreed.
“I ate half a Christmas cake last night and then found out it can last for years. That wasn’t great news after having worked my way through the last of the turkey. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey curry, turkey pasta, turkey stew, and turkey surprise. I eventually ran out of ideas and ended up making turkey meringue pie. Quite nice actually”.
“The worst of it is I just can’t get rid of the stuff”, complained Sean McKenna of Aughabrack. “Someone gave me a tin of Marks & Spencer All-Butter Shortbread as a Christmas present, so I gave it to my ma as a gift on Boxing Day. Turns out she gave it to her niece on New Year’s Eve, who gave it to her daughter on New Year’s Day, who then gave it back to me as a present at the weekend. Feckin’ cheapskates”.
Marian Quinn from Cappagh admitted:
“I sent my 7 year old cub to school with fifteen mince pies for his packed lunch. Only two days to go before the sell-by date, so they needed used up. I know he’s allergic to pastry, but sure, he’ll manage fine”.
32-stone half-man, half-spacehopper Sidney Clarke from Ballygawley, said,
“I found a couple of smoothies in the fridge my mum had left and if truth be told I was wanting a more healthy diet for the new year anyway, so I got tore into them. I never realised one was clotted cream and the other pure goose fat. Tara. I got through three Cadbury’s selection boxes getting rid of the taste though, so it wasn’t all bad”.
Tyrone GAA Club Regrets Holding AGM In Pub
Windmill cheerleaders from 1959
A recently reformed GAA club revealed they will run another AGM later in the month after a raft of ridiculous motions were passed whilst committee members drank the bar dry on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Windmill GAA, who once terrorised gaels across the county , held their first AGM in 35 years at The Battery Bar in Ardboe last Friday night, running from 9pm to 1am and then in someone’s house til 6am. It wasn’t until members woke up later on that day that they realised they would need to have a second go at the meeting.
Some of the motions passed initially but under review now are:
- Rounding up a pile of women from the local roads on match days to act as cheerleaders for home games
- Rename the club as the Windmill Corncrakes
- Announcer calls out bingo numbers after every point is scored
- Dancing nuns at half time
- Encourage chanting in crowd..eg..’youse are dead’ etc.
- Priest to throw ball in blindfolded and then has to make it off before he gets kicked
- New club crest consisting of real cannibalism
Chairman Lenny McGuigan conceded they needed to return to the drawing board:
“Yes, to be honest I can’t remember any of those motions at all. We were blind drunk on brandy ball home brew. Let that be a lesson to all clubs across the county. Keep the AGM dry. But we used to have cheerleaders y’know.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA Central County have yet to ratify Windmill’s licence due to unresolved acts of depravity dating back to 1961.
Galbally Men Still Wearing T-Shirts Despite The Wild Weather
Kildress softy in 1986
Gales of up to 90mph, horizontal sleet and frosty conditions have been sweeping the county like never before, but appears to have had no impact on the choice of dress-wear in Galbally according to local fashion gurus, unlike Kildress.
Galbally parish priest Fr Donnelly has called on the men to hold firm despite the inclement weather:
“We Galballions have the reputation for being the hardest men in Ireland. Our young lads have a proud tradition to uphold and it brought a tear to my eye yesterday to see three young lads sitting on the bridge wall wearing shorts and a vest, despite the hurricane-fuelled hailstorm pounding down on top of them. They’re doing their ancestors proud.”
Youtube videos of Galballions going about their daily business wearing short tshirts and flip flops whilst the heavens lashed down on them have already reached four million viewers from countries as far as Sudan and Fiji. Fr Donnelly added:
“See, them Kildress ones think they’re hard but I’ve seen lads from there wearing gloves. Gloves! What next, a hat? They’ll be the laughing stock down at Tally’s.”
Despite the threat of sub-sero temperatures in the coming days, Fr Donnelly issued a veiled threat to any lad who thinks of going down the glove route:
“Religious excommunication and expulsion from the area is my recommendation for any fellow seen wearing long sleeves or even acknowledging the cold by rubbing hands and saying ‘brrrr’.”
Meanwhile, Kildress officials have explained that the wearing of gloves by two 14-yr olds was a one-off and that both boys have been severely reprimanded.
Tyrone MOT Inspectors The Richest In Europe
Figures released today indicate that MOT inspectors from various inspection garages across Tyrone are amongst the richest people in Europe, rivalling royalty, Formula One owners and international footballers in terms of take-home pay. The controversial statistics come as no surprise to car owners across the county as evidenced by their attitude towards MOT inspectors.
Paddy Hanna, a Brackaville kite-maker, told us:
“Sure couldn’t I have told you that myself. I was failed last week in the MOT centre in Cookstown for having a dirty wing mirror. I took it back yesterday having washed it and he failed me again for having a car park sticker on the wing mirror that was under the dirt last week. Theiving hoors.”
The Italian newspaper El Papar listed three MOT inspectors from Omagh in category 1, earning anything up to £2m a year after tax. Henry Davidson from Drumragh reckoned that was a conservative sum:
“It’s no secret that these men and women are taking backhanders. I see boys winking and bringing through fleets of old Lithuanian motors, and then handing over a brown envelope. The cars drive straight through and come out the other side within 5 seconds. No stopping. Just a line of continuous traffic. And there’s me watching my car getting jerked all over the shop and failing on an air freshener or something. We’re some mugs.”
The Tyrone MOT Union Rep said boys like Davidson need to be careful about making allegations like that about envelopes:
“We’re as clean as you can get. He has probably seen registrations documents passed over or lunches from mummies or something. We’re just tightening up on the whole dirt thing. Some of the cars knocking about are just balls of muck with an engine in it.”
The next richest group from the county were the water filter sellers from the 80s.
Several Men Hospitalised After Holding In Bellies
Tyrone County, Craigavon and Erne hospitals have all reported a spike in male admissions since the new year with over 90% suffering from strained stomach muscles. 313 men were treated this morning within a few hours of going back to work, having over-indulged over the Christmas period.
Doctor Peter McGrath, an expert in pulled muscles, explained the phenomenon:
“It’s the same this time every year. Men head back to work almost a stone heavier than before Christmas and try to hold their bellies in for long periods of time, especially when standing up, walking or talking to women. After about two hours the stomach muscles go into spasm and you end up writhing on the floor with the real belly wobbling uncontrollably.”
Dr McGrath maintains £3m is spent treating ‘pulling in belly syndrome’ in January alone. He also highlighted other side effects from the trend:
“A lot of men try to squeeze into the same trousers or shirts instead of buying a bigger size for the month of January. Again, after an hour or two the clothes capitulate and buttons fly off like bullets. I treated 12 civil servants yesterday for bruises and facial injuries from buttons hurled across offices. Someone’s gonna lose an eye, for the love of God.”
McGrath has advised men who are too vain to buy a bigger size to only hold their bellies in for five minutes maximum at any one time, or to wear suck-in pants that can be pulled up to their chests.
One Mid-Ulster Mail journalist had to be air-rescued from his vehicle after getting stuck between the steering wheel and his seat in Pomeroy on his way to a story brewing in Carrickmore.
Richard Haass Also Fails To Resolve Ardboe Christmas Tree Dispute
Coleman and McGuigan
Former US diplomat Richard Haass has admitted defeat for the second time in a couple of days after his efforts to resolve the Ardboe Christmas Tree dispute ended in several parties tearing the heads off each other.
The argument revolved around who will turn off the lights on Ardboe’s first ever Christmas tree. Mickey Coleman, Brian McGuigan, Barry Devlin, Adrian McGuckin, Chris Lawn, Tom McGurk, Malachi Cush, Ronan McSherry, Dennis Taylor, Kevin McAleer, Mickey Harte, Pope Francis and Billy Ray Cyrus were all named as interested parties, each putting forward viable reasons for pulling the plug out.
Haass, who admitted Ardboe was a ‘wild place’ on a par with Kosovo and Sierra Leone, was able to narrow it down to four celebs after intense negotiations:
“We managed to rule out McGuckin and Lawn as we suspected they were there to sabotage the event, being enemies in some shape or form. The cost for the Pope was astronomical. Apart from the flights, the pot holes would wreck the popemobile. No insurance around here. Harte, McAleer, McSherry, Taylor, Cush and McGurk were ruled out next during the eel-skinning demonstration.”
With Coleman, McGuigan, Devlin and Billy Ray Cyrus left, tensions were beginning to reach boiling point with accusations of bribes and counter arguments over ancestry muddying the waters.
“I thought dealing with Robinson and McGuinness was tough. These guys are stubborn. It ended up in a bare-knuckle contest between all four.”
Haass left the scene an hour into the free-for-all, admitting defeat and vowing never to return to the island again.
2013 in review
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 350,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 15 days for that many people to see it.
Derrytresk Woman To Get MBE For Swinging A Handbag
Hill Man Knighted?
The small townland of Derrytresk was described as ‘feeling a bit awkward’ this morning after the English Queen’s New Year’s Honours List included ‘Derryresk Woman’ in the MBE section. This is the first such award in the area although some have always suspected a couple of older men who regularly drink in the club may have been secretly knighted years ago.
The unnamed bag wielder received her award for ‘highlighting the multiple uses of fashion accessories‘ and for being a ‘modern day Joan of Arc‘.
Buckingham officials explained their decision:
“When it was put to the Queen last year about giving ‘The Derrytresk Woman’ an award she refused point blank on the grounds that she had already given two major awards to businessmen from that area in the past and they’d kept it quiet. Gladly though, she has softened a bit this year and has decided to bestow an MBE upon the woman who flung her bag on top of Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan.”
Locals have admitted to feeling a bit confused about the whole affair. Digger man Malachy McCann admitted:
“Normally we would tell the woman Windsor where to shove her gong. But this feels different. The abuse we took from people regarding the whole Dromid incident is still raw. With this award, we need to work out whether it’ll shut people up or worsen the whole thing. We’ll have an emergency meeting after Mass on Sunday.”
Queen Elizabeth has agreed to post out the MBE to the anonymous woman using recorded delivery.
The identity of the two knighted Derrytresk businessmen has also set tongues wagging. One suspect is Prionsias O’Neill who was often spotted at the bar smiling lovingly at a one pound coin in his hand, for about a year.
Annual Newtownstewart Family Game Of Monopoly Grows Increasingly Hostile
Cuttin up rough in Newtownstewart
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A family’s annual ritual of Monopoly over the festive period came close to escalating into violence last night.
Brothers Dominic, Gary, and Tommy Boyce, had gathered at their parent’s house in Newtonstewart to play the Monopoly board game, an activity undertaken every Christmas as a tradition dating back to 1987 when they were given the game as a present by their aunt.
Trouble began just seconds into the game after eldest brother Dominic, 39, landed on ‘Income Tax Pay £200’ when he was promptly ridiculed by both Gary, 36, and Tommy, 34, as being the first time Dominic would ever have bothered paying money to the tax man. He got his own back shortly afterwards when Tommy received a Community Chance ‘Speeding Fine Pay £15’, which was the cause of much hilarity as he had been banned for a year for dangerous driving only two weeks ago in Omagh.
Tommy immediately responded by buying Pentonville for £120 and building a blockade across it with a pile of yellow Connect 4 counters, and refusing to let the other two past until they had apologised for their remarks.
Minutes later Dominic landed on Go To Jail, and under new house rules introduced by Gary on the spur of the moment, was told that he would be interned indefinitely until both he and Tommy allowed him out for good behaviour. Dominic responded by threatening to hold a protest rally near the corner of the board unless he was allowed to continue, whilst Tommy was also sent to jail by his two brothers for what he defended as ‘an unexplained accounting error’ after £5,000 disappeared from the bank.
Gary, who adopted a high risk strategy throughout the game of investing in 16 houses and 4 hotels and placing them all on Whitechapel went bankrupt after just 50 minutes, and asked Tommy as the banker to re-mortgage all of them for £800. Tommy responded by saying that since the game commenced ‘the arse had fallen out of the housing market’ and offered a derisory £5 for the lot.
The game then escalated into a series of tit-for-tat reprisals, with Gary and Dominic refusing to award Tommy £10 for ‘Winning Second Prize In A Beauty Contest’ on the basis that he had a ‘face like a squashed trout’, whilst Tommy and Dominic rejected Gary’s financial demands for ‘It’s Your Birthday Collect £10 From Each Player’, on the grounds that it wasn’t his birthday at all, and besides, what the feck had he ever given them for their birthdays.
The altercation looks set to continue later this evening as they gather to play Trivial Pursuit
Thousands Of Duffle Coats Flung Onto Beds As Cold Snap Kicks In
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Residents across Tyrone last night were prompted into getting heavy coats out and putting them onto beds as the temperature plummeted to as low as minus 4 degrees Centigrade in some parts of the County.
Donkey jackets, duffle coats, boiler suits, dressing gowns, overcoats, monkey hats and other outerwear were all hurriedly thrown onto beds, as faulty electric blankets were dug out of attics and hastily re-wired.
Local housewife and serial complainer Alison Brennan from Mountfield said,
“Jays, it was baltic. I don’t know how many blankets and coats we had on the bed but I could have survived a gunshot. You’ve no idea how cold this house is. I went out to the sales this morning and bought 14 more duffle coats for the beds. My husband told me to sit by the fire, but there’s not much point in that unless he’s going to light the feckin’ thing. Tight-fisted eejit”.
Brennan continued,
“I knew we were going to be in trouble when I was in Greencastle last night to get some wheaten, and the young lasses were out in what they call their ‘overcoats’. Or to give it its proper name, glitter spray”.
Others were faced with the prospect of having to have the central heating on all day.
“Have you seen the price of oil?” complained a man from Trillick, who preferred to remain anonymous. “We’re racing through the stuff. Christ, it was only the end of November since I siphoned 500 gallons of it from them ‘uns down the road. Now I’m going to have to do it all over again. It’s beyond a joke, it really is”.
Elsewhere, the roads were causing driving difficulties. Local PSNI Chief Inspector John Quinn said,
“The roads are like a bottle. People shouldn’t be out driving in this weather, and if they are they need to act responsibly. We were in Tesco car park last night trying to doing doughnuts in the panda car and it was almost impossible. Car was sliding all over the place. People should stay in”.
It has also been reported that 44 youngsters have been clipped around the ear over the holidays for leaving the immersion on for more than three hours after the water was used.
The cold weather continues.
Over-Consumption Of Turkey In Brocagh Sees Locals Display Turkey-Like Behaviour
Despite warnings from health officials and the clergy, the over-consumption of turkey in Brocagh has resulted in worrying side effects that many are calling irreversible.
In recent years, it was noticed that the average Brocagh adult consumed two full 12 lb turkeys over the space of four days around Christmas, more than double that of anyone anywhere on the planet. This year it appears that the average per person in the area was 2.5 turkeys, resulting in some unusual behaviour today.
Local shopkeeper Billy Dorman explained:
“Yes, there’s a definite side effect this year. The local lads seem to have developed a reddy skin thing drooping from their chin. I think the official name is the wattle. Ugly looking think. And when they see a good looking girl come in, it flares and goes all red, and their hair seems to fan and stand on end. Some sight when they’re just in looking for bread.”
Greenvale niteclub owner Kieran Hendron confirmed that Brocagh ones are unmistakeable on the dancefloor this Christmas:
“Aye, they strut. From the moment they arrive it’s like a pile of John Travoltas in the one place. With every step they cock their head forward and make a ‘gobble’ sort of noise. And with that wattle thing hanging from their bake…..”
Government health officials admitted that although the physical similarities are funny, a negative side-effect is the aggression. Two Derrylaughan men was set upon by a ‘rafter’ of skateboarding Brocagh lads down at the Washingbay when they eyed up one of their sisters. PSNI spokeswoman said the Brocagh gang emitted a high-pitched shrill indicating they were becoming aggressive which developed into intense sparring where the Broconians leap at them with the large, sharp talons, and tried to peck and grasp the head of the bewildered sons of Kevin Barry.
Chicken will only be sold in Brocagh tomorrow.
Tyrone Tribulations 