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P2 Pupil Awarded Certificate For Writing Humpty Dumpty Was An ‘Oul Bollix’
An oul bollix?
Educational authorities are to meet later this week to discuss an incident in a West Tyrone school after a 6-year old Strabane boy won Pupil of the Week certificate for his comprehension skills.
The Board will discuss whether or not to ratify ‘bollix’ as an acceptable addition to the Tyrone vernacular within the classroom, with many parents happy to see the term given official status.
The incident in question occurred after the P2 class at St Phillip’s Primary School in Strabane were given the Humpty Dumpty song lyrics, followed by the question ‘What do you think of Humpty Dumpty now?’
P2 teacher Master John McElhinihan is adamant he did the right thing in rewarding ‘he’s an oul bollix‘ with the full six marks out of six:
“I read and reread it and couldn’t find fault in the young lad’s answer. If Humpty Dumpty was sitting on a wall and couldn’t even manage that successfully, then he deserves all the abuse he gets. Young Johnny was just saying what we’ve always been thinking over the years. There’s a good chance the men and horses thought the same and didn’t try too hard to fix him back to his previous self.”
The Humpty Dumpty incident follows hot on the heels of Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew’s use of the same word recently, which was largely accepted as an excellent and accurate example of how to use it. Master McElhinihan added:
“Gildernew gave the word a bit of gravitas with her celebrity status. Everybody is using it now and even Fr Frances used it at Mass on Sunday to describe the divil. The only contentious issue is the spelling of it. That’s why the educational authorities need to meet as soon as possible to sort the whole issue out.”
However, GAA authorities are reportedly livid after Clonoe GAA club’s annual award ceremony included a ‘Bollix of the Year’ trophy.
Clonoe Cross-Community Cage Fighting Event A ‘Huge Success’, Say Organiser
Two Clonoe Women Go At It
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A sporting event aimed at bringing the communities in Tyrone closer together was declared a resounding success by organisers this morning.
The Clonoe Cage Cross-Community Fighting Extravaganza drew an impressive turn-out, with over 300 competitors paying £2.50 each to climb into the specially-constructed cage.
“These guys should be proud of themselves”, said 76-year old organiser and former parish priest from Benburb Frank McLean. “They were falling over each other to get into the cage and start fighting away. I’ve never seen enthusiasm like it. I watched these two lads form Cappagh and Moygashel slugging away like their lives depended on it. They didn’t even hear the bell. That’s how committed they are to making this sort of community event work. They just wanted to put on a great show. All the lads were the same. In fact, we had to intervene so many times the taser ran out of charge. After that we just stood back and watched”.
Participant Steve Lewis said,
“Aye it was some night boys. I was in the cage with this wan boyo from the Washing Bay. Some fighter. Even managed to knock me down a couple of times. Credit where credit’s due. That’s why I decided to show him some respect by scissor-kicking him in the face when we were back in the dressing room. And then hoofing him in the groin. Twice.”
McLean confirmed that working in cross-community projects such as this had been one of the highlights of his life.
“It’s moments like these you treasure. Some of the boys even started getting into all that bad-boy tag-team stuff like they used to do on the wrestling on the telly in the 70s, because there was these two boys who showed up wearing balaclavas and holding a couple of fake Armalites, waving them at the crowd and all. Jays, I was helpless with the laughter. I nearly ended myself. And do you know, even the crowd were getting into it, can you imagine? Jeering and chanting and suchlike”.
McLean confirmed that the next cross-community event planned in time for Christmas, ‘Brantry Bare-Knuckle Boxing’, is already generating interest.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Anger In Parts Of Tyrone Over Frank Mitchell’s UTV Weather Watchers Snub
The George Clooney of Ulster – Derrytresk hater?
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as
Coalisland this morning
the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.
Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.
All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.
The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.
Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.
More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.
“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”
With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.
The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.
Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’
By Aughoughilley SchnifflesRumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
The new Brackaville ghosts
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
Fire Services Called After Clonoe Man Spends Entire Day In Size 32-Waist Trousers
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Clonoe was yesterday recovering after having spent the day close to permanent suffocation, brought on by putting on a pair of stone-washed slim-fit jeans he bought in 1986.
Standing in front of the mirror, 18-stone lorry mechanic Marty ‘Nimble’ Flanagan from Coole Road had insisted to girlfriend Shauna that ‘they fit as well as the day I bought them’, and spent the rest of the day becoming progressively more purple in the face as he refused to admit they were at least four sizes too small.
“Aye, if my face hadn’t been so purple it would have really red”, admitted Flanagan. “I didn’t want to back down after telling Shauna that I could still slip into a 32 waist trouser and to be honest it took me so long squeezing into the damn things that it would’ve taken another hour to get them off. It was like trying to squeeze a balloon into a box. Besides, once I was up on my feet I couldn’t really bend down”.
The problem was worsened by Flanagan going to Loughran’s Bar to show off his slender frame to friends, consuming six pints of Stella, and then finding himself unable to either unzip his flies or undo the button.
“Aye, poor Nimble”, said one of his friends, Sean Gallagher, also from Clonoe. “He looked like an enormous Ribena berry. Still, it’s his own fault. He’s acts like he’s at his fighting weight all the time, pretending he’s always at the health foods and salads and suchlike. Some chance. His idea of salad is a plate of cold chips, the clift”.
The fire service were duly called who had to use a pair of bolt cutters to remove the button from Flanagan’s trousers, which was under so much pressure that it shot off and demolished the entire row of optics behind the bar, followed by Flanagan breaking wind with such force that one of the firefighters was taken to Dungannon Hospital with a perforated eardrum.
Flanagan previously had a visit from the fire brigade in February of this year when he had to be removed from a ‘Frankie Says Relax’ t-shirt that he had purchased in 1984.
Clonoe Man Confirmed As Being Almost 116,000th In Line To The Throne
Red Boy Loughran, Clonoe
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
News emerged last night that an unemployed mechanic from Clonoe is apparently 116,263rd in line to the throne.
“It’s a massive responsibility hi”, admitted Daragh ‘Red Boy’ Loughran cheerfully. “There’s a huge expectation on me that if something happens to the Queen, Prince Charles, William and 116,260 others, then it would be down to me to run the show. And let’s face it, the Queen’s not getting any younger is she, so that’s almost one off the list already. Won’t be long boys, won’t be long”.
The Northern Ireland Institute of Genealogy confirmed the news last week that Loughran was related to the monarchy through a distant relative on his father’s side who was related by accident to Edward VIII.
52-year old Loughran, an active member of Sinn Fein since joining the party in 1987, has had his commitment questioned by other members and close friends since making the announcement.
“Aye, maybe it’s a wee touch embarrassing what with all the demonstrations and the marches I’ve attended over the years. Then there was the handlin’ with all graffiti and vandalism. And the trouble with the police. But that was all just a misunderstanding sure. I was actually shouting ‘Love the Queen’. They just misheard me, that’s all. She’s a nice wee woman. And I’ve always loved Helen Mirren”.
He continued,
“People have questioned me about my values, but sure, why can’t I be a Republican at the same time as being King of England? What’s wrong with that? And anyway, if my principles don’t fit with my lifestyle, I can always change them”.
Sheila, Loughran’s wife of 30 years, was doubtful of her husband being able to make a smooth transition from unemployed layabout to head of a 600-year old world-renowned royal dynasty.
“For a start, he’d have to learn how to use a knife and fork”, she said. “Jaysis, you should see that wan eating his tea. It’s like a Labrador eating custard. How’s he supposed to have lunch with the likes of David Cameron and Ronald Reagan if he insists on licking all the gravy off his plate? Maybe the Palace staff could sort something out and get one of their footmen to bate his dinner intae him. That might work”.
She confided that Loughran was already preparing for the role.
“Aye, he’s hard work. He’s started walking around with his own toilet seat the bollix, and every time I get back from the shops he keeps asking me, ‘Have you travelled far?’ I’m getting fed up with it”.
Loughran however rejected the concerns.
“Eating won’t be a problem. Sure, loads of them soldier boys in London love eating beef, which I do too. I’d fit right in hi, once they got the crown re-sized. And I’d be head of the British government too, so it’d be free Tayto for all, and I’d abolish annual MOTs. They’re a pain in the hole. £350 it cost me last month. Oh aye, and I’d do something about Irish independence too”, he added hurriedly.
In preparation for receiving a call from Buckingham Palace, Loughran confirmed he had removed ‘Men Behind The Wire’ from his iPhone playlist.
Legal Loophole See Hundreds Sue Local Pub For Falling Off Stool
Tessie’s. An hour ago.
A landmark case which saw a Clonoe man sue his local pub for £3000 for falling off his stool is set to open the floodgates for hundreds of similar type claims.
Gay Taggart, who claims he fell off his stool 300 times in Tessie’s Pub over the course of one year, received £10 per fall despite the probability of being highly intoxicated every time. CCTV footage confirmed all falls took place after at least 8 pints of Carlsberg. Unfortunately, Tessie’s defence team were unable to prove Taggart was drunk on each occasion.
Taggart, 44, has encouraged everyone who has fallen off a stool across the county to get on to their local solicitor and press for charges:
“At £30 a go it’s worth it. That’ll buy about another eight pints and hopefully you’ll fall off and the whole process starts all over again. I’ve already fallen off twice this week, and one of the stools even had a back on it. Them stools are deadly.”
Seamy Tessie, whose family have run the establishment since 1766, is amazed the case saw the light of day, never mind be successful:
“This is madness. Taggart was stocious every time. He’d be singing ‘She’ll Be Coming ‘Round The Mountain’ one minute and the next he’d be flat on the slabs, snoring away. And now I have to give him his £30 back. I’ll be ruined if everyone backdates their claims. Sean McCann fell off 7 times one day when Clonoe won the Championship. There’s nothing wrong with our stools.”
Tessie has been working closely with local entrepreneurs to invent a new device which sees punters locked into their seat for their duration of their drinking sessions.
Leaked footage of one fall:
Tyrone Firm In Trouble Over Grass Seed On England’s World Cup Football Pitch
A bit of Dromore in Brazil
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A firm in Dromore was yesterday accused of supplying low quality grass seed to the ground-staff at Brazil’s Arena da Amazonia football ground, where the England football team will commence their World Cup campaign.
Pictures released yesterday showed the pitch looking brown, dry and sandy, after having apparently applied fertiliser which was supplied by Seamie O’Donnell of Dromore Agricultural Supplies.
The England Manager, Roy Hodgson, fumed:
“The pitch is an absolute disgrace. It’s not fit even for growing potatoes, never mind staging a world-class event. How can the nation expect us to squander chances and needlessly give away possession every few minutes if we’re playing on a sub-standard surface? I have every intention of taking the issue up directly with this man O’Donnell, just as soon as we’ve played our three games and get back to the UK a week on Wednesday”.
The product, called ‘Dromore Gro-More’, packaged and distributed in O’Donnell’s premises on Clanabogan Road, provides instructions which read, ‘Simply sprinkle your seed all over the grass, stand back and watch! Deadly! Before your very eyes a lush and verdant landscape will appear – perfect for barbeques, cattle, diffing, and international
sporting competitions watched by millions. Easy to use, with no need to lock up pets or put the wee’ans in the house when you’re using it. Apply wearing a gas mask and separate oxygen supply’.
An irate O’Donnell was, however, quick to respond.
“That Hodgson’s got a damned cheek”, he said angrily. “No good for potatoes? Why is he going to have Wayne Rooney playing on it then? You could mistake that boy for a Maris Piper any day of the week. My grass feed is the best in the business”.
However, sources near Dungannon have suggested that the ‘high quality bio-stimulants’ that O’Donnell purports to use for the feed are actually just bags of sand that O’Donnell lifted from the beach at Bundoran at Easter.
Meanwhile, officials in Brazil this morning confirmed that in desperation groundsmen are applying a coat of green ‘paint’ to the pitch, which was apparently supplied ‘on the cheap’ by a firm in Clonoe.
Edendork Hall To Become Muslim Community Centre/Mosque
Edendork Mosque?
There was great excitement today in amongst Ulster’s Muslims after it was revealed that Edendork parish have decided to offer the Hall entirely to the Muslim community from September onwards, as long as they play bingo in it at least once a month.
Following the recent controversies in Belfast and the ill-judged remarks from pastors and politicians, the 4,000 strong Muslim community have been looking for a community centre for general cultural gatherings. The hall, which was once described as ‘a little piece of Italy in Tyrone’ by someone, will also double up as a Mosque. The chance to clean up with grants was a deciding factor in the decision.
Dungannon Muslim, Hous Bin Pharteen, was ecstatic at the news:
“This is deadly. We were hiring out a disused shed around the back of the defunct Tyrone Brick for praying and stuff but this moves us into view for the whole of the province. It’s such a beautiful building. Those who say it’s the ugliest structure in Ireland are slabbers.”
Opposition to the Mosque has come from nearby engineering firm Hurson and Sons. Company CEO Jimmy Hurson predicts issues over a work-shy workforce at his clay-making business 500 yards from the hall:
“Don’t get me wrong. I think Muslims are a great bunch of lads. However, my workers will only pretend get confused when the adhān (Muslim call to prayer) is played by that boy in the trumpet. To get one tae break a day is plentiful. I can see these boys, mostly from Coalisland and Clonoe, bringing in 10 lunches and downing tools every time the bugle is sounded.”
After it was pointed out that the call to prayer is recited, probably by loudspeaker, and not played on a musical instrument, Hurson remained doubtful:
“Anyway, with the adhān to be played 5 times a day, I fear my workers will suddenly become Muslims in order to skive off work. They’ll find a way to screw me. I know them.”
Local residents have been assured that if they send one of the Muslims to McCann’s shop for a packet of Paris Buns or a Knutty Krust, the correct change will come back as predicted by First Minister Peter Robinson.
There are also high hopes South Tyrone Hospital may reopen due to the predicted influx of doctors and surgeons into mid-Ulster.
Coalisland TV Presenter Sacked. Again.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local Coalisland man who lost his job as a weatherman and also as children’s TV presenter, was sacked earlier today, for trying yet again as a weatherman on new channel Irish TV.
Henry Savage, from Brackaville Road, was given the job at short notice following the unexpected departure of the previous weatherman. He explained,
“The boy who was supposed to get the weather job suddenly backed out down because he had to rush off to London in a hurry. I think he was changing jobs to a tree surgeon because he mentioned something about a yewtree. Anyway, I was in there like a shot. There’s not much you can teach me about the weather hi”.
However, it quickly became apparent to studio bosses that this was far from the case, and that Savage’s grasp of simple meteorological principles was practically non-existent.
“We had a couple of wee thunderstorms over the weekend there”, said programme scheduler Moira McGurk, “And Savage told viewers that it was because ‘the clouds kept banging together’. For the love of God”.
The live broadcast continued, with Savage instructing,
“Thon trees in Parkanaur are making lots of wind tonight, so wrap up tight. And if you do see the thunderstorm coming, just rush out of the house and start screaming at it. They frighten easily and it’ll probably just move off to the next town”.
In his defence, Savage barked:
“All that stuff about the high fronts and the low fronts is just stuff made up by meteorologists to confuse people. Rain is rain. Anyone in Tyrone knows that. No point going on and on about types of cloud or precipitation or some such nonsense, when everyone knows rain is just the angels crying tears of happiness”.
The studio’s problems became clear during last night’s live broadcast, with Savage telling viewers,
“Ah’m tellin’ yez, last night my yolk was acting up something tara, so it’s a sure sign that there’s quare sunny weather on the way. And have yiz seen the sunset over Clonoe? All I can say is, red sky at night shepherd’s delight. No, hold on. Is it rainbow instead of red sky? Jays, it can be confusing. Ah sure, what do the feckin’ shepherds know anyway? They should keep their noses out of it. Besides, it’s not going to be sunny everywhere. The cattle in Edendork are getting tore into the cud like nobody’s business, which means the rain’ll be shitting it down in Drumquin by lunchtime tomorrow”.
Savage in his final broadcast earlier this morning, confirmed that he expected the forecast for tonight to be ‘dark’.
Wife Made Husband Push Car For 8 Miles
Down the Derrytresk Road
In a fit of revenge for arriving in the house the previous night heavily inebriated, Derrytresk woman Kitty Devlin exacted revenge by making her worse-for-wear husband Kevin push their 1996 Volkswagen GTi eight miles from Dungannon to Derryvarne in the townland last month.
The Devlins had made the trip to Boots the Chemist in The Oaks Centre Dungannon early that morning to pick up a bag of cheap women’s leg razors and Lynx deodorant for their children, despite Mr Devlin’s hungover condition.
Kitty confirmed:
“He came in roaring and singing the night before from a whist drive night in Maghery, waking the whole house up. Then he moaned the whole way to Dungannon that morning about the fact that none of the windows opened in the motor and him feeling sick. It was whilst browsing through shower gels that I concocted my plan to make him pay for the late night drunken antics.”
On returning to the car, Mrs Devlin pretended to start the motor, claiming the battery was dead and for her husband to give it a push start.
“Little did the bollocks know but I had her in 5th gear the whole way home. I kept bellowing at him to keep er lit as it was near catching. I had no intention of starting that engine. Even when he threw up four times, at Edendork, Coalisland, Clonoe pitch and Annaghmore School I felt no sympathy. That’ll learn him.”
Kitty finally started the car in second gear less than 50 yards from their house and sped off, leaving her husband in a quare state according to neighbour Jimmy Quinn:
“I’ve never seen a vision like it. His face as red as the fiery pits of hell and him covered in vomit. A bad doing by Kitty who’s 18 stone but sure the wemen now are lethal. That’s lethal in a bad way I mean.”
Mr Devlin has since stayed on the wagon, lost two stone and is considering starting a new fitness fad called ‘push starting a car in 5th gear’.
BBC Apologises To Entire County Over Religion Gaffe
Typical Clonoe Man or Buddha?
A minor BBC production company has issued an apology to the whole of County Tyrone as well as the Buddhist community after they concluded a religious documentary by stating that Buddhism was now the dominant faith practised in the area.
BBC4’s Faith In Ireland series concluded yesterday with a tour of Ulster, visiting Strabane, Carrickmore and Ardboe and observing local traditions and faith development from a distance. Narrated by Prince Charles, the programme-makers ended with the declaration that ‘Buddhism is now the most practised faith in Tyrone, relegating Christianity to the dark ages‘.
Producer Ken Barlowe explained the error:
“It was an honest mistake. We were driving about the countryside and witnessed loads of bald men carrying a bit of weight just sitting on stone walls or fences doing nothing but staring into the distance and nodding every few minutes. We just thought it was some form of enlightened status they had reached. We didn’t know that baldness was rife in the county and with the men being fond of cream buns and fries, they looked like dead ringers for the small Buddha figures you’d see in Chinese restaurants.”
Barlowe also apologised to the Buddhist faith after research confirmed the little bald figure had little or nothing to do with the original Buddha. When pushed on how the apology will be offered, he angrily added:
“Listen, we’ve apologised already, OK? We saw priests shouting at the bald men so assumed the clergy were scolding them regarding their lapses. Anyway, in Clonoe we saw around 120 bald men with a couple of extra pounds around their waist just sitting in hedges and against walls, staring at cars going past. Have these people nothing to do? Might as well take up the Buddhism I say.”
Barlowe later apologised for the above quote, reminding viewers that there was much more to Buddhism than sitting in hedges staring at cars and that baldness was not a requisite to practise the faith.
Clonoe GAC Youth Policy “A Clean Disgrace”
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe cub yesterday
Damian Cassidy has been blasted by Coalisland na Fianna players and supporters as “a clean disgrace” following reports that he has placed all male children in Clonoe over the age of 2 and a half years old on a unique ‘Rahilly cubs’ strength and conditioning program.
It is further rumoured that ‘the cubs’ (as the 30 month plus young boys are known), have embarked on training programs deemed more advanced than even that of the cross-fit gymnasiums currently sweeping the nation. In photos leaked to Tyrone Tribulations, we can confirm children are being taught to perform the Snatch, Clean and Jerk Olympic style power lifts, with purpose built toy weights. Initial reports suggest that the clubhouse fitness suite is allegedly preparing for pram sized parking spaces to be painted on the tar, and boxes of pampers, dummies and babies bottles have been spotted beside the vending machine in the foyer.
One local we spoke to outside Tessie’s, who did not want to be named ‘for security reasons’, nervously indicated that the rumours may indeed be true.
“Hi, what Cassidy says, goes round these parts, hi.”
He stammered on:
“No man questions him- they just do whatever he tells them to do… Sure there’s one of the reserves who carries his own shite around in a wee lunch box with him everywhere he goes because Cassidy says it will make him faster. He was put out of Begley’s shop last week cause of the smell – and him in looking about new boots. Apparently he fairly shifted out the door alright.”
When pressed whether Mr Cassidy would consider such ground-breaking and controversial steps, our source told us:
“aye, well- you could say he’s the new Mickey Harte, but he’s from Derry, so you wouldn’t really say that,”
before darting off.
Damian Cassidy was approached for comment and, while he duly obliged, apart from the word “sir” we were unable to ascertain what he had to say. A Derry/Tyrone translator could not decipher the tapes we recorded. Mr Cassidy did, however, nod his head three times yet shook his head FOUR times over the course of his interview, which we take as a firm denial of the new youth training policy.
Archeological Find In Stewartstown Indicates High Technological Intelligence
Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.
Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.
One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:
Professor Jack Lyons explains:
“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “
Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:
Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:
“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”
One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:
Brackaville Jerseys Outlawed In Coalisland
New Brackaville-Free Campaign Poster
Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.
The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.
The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:
“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”
Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:
“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”
Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:
“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”
Clonoe’s ‘Talk To Your Animal’ Session Turns Sour
Clonoe man and dog discuss religion
The ‘Learn To Talk To Your Animals’ workshop at Clonoe Community Centre last night ended in chaos after many animals spoke back, criticising the standards of farming and general pet ownership. Rows erupted between man and beast as the PSNI arrived to control the chaotic scenes which included a savage brawl between a goat and a man from Derrylaughan.
Spiritual councillor Patricia McCabe admitted it was unlikely she’d attempt this session in the area again, which was initially meant to teach locals about animal communication by quietening the mind and focussing on your senses allowing you to listen more clearly to animals.
“Turned out the animals listened too well. There was a boy from Stewartstown who brought in a flock of sheep. After he spoke to them using my techniques, they rounded on him and called him (using sheep talk) ‘a lazy fat b***ard’ and ‘a drunken good for nothing wino”. It was when the fighting started that I realised my powers were deadly. A horse headbutted his owner from Cabragh after telling him the hay he fed her every day was covered in dung.”
Local dog owner and part-time magician, John McCabe, rued the day he set foot in the workshop:
“I wish I’d never listened to that woman. Now I can hear everything that mutt of mine is saying. Sure just this morning he jumped on my bed and started going on about the state of the room and saying oul dirty things about local women and all. Every bark is a complaint about something. It’s doing my head in. I’m going to another councillor to see if she can undo the animal-listening process.”
The PSNI admitted they were monitoring the situation and revealed their resources were stretched across Clonoe as farmers all over the parish spend most of the night out in their fields arguing with cattle, with skirmishes breaking out in Annaghmore, Derrytresk and Aughamullen.
Storms Blew Things Across Atlantic To Tyrone Including Old People
Pensioners take off from States
With the news that a Canadian bird has landed in a lough in Tyrone after been forced over by storms, more people have come forward with other artefacts blown from across the Atlantic, including pensioners.
The Pacific Diver bird which was spotted in Lough Fea appears to have opened the floodgates as people now realise where the new things in their area have come from. Leo Daly, a fitter from Eglish, was one of the first to come forward with evidence:
“The news of that bird made the penny drop. Last week I went out the lift the milk one morning and I spotted two female pensioners sitting on top of my shed. I shouted for them to get down and they told me they had no idea where they were in these mad American accents. I just shrugged it off as one of those things.”
Pensioners were also spotted flying through the sky in Strabane, Newtownstewart, Sion Mills and Aghyaran. Scientist Pat Morgan explained this phenomenon:
“Old people are remarkably light and resilient. I myself have witnessed pensioners in The Moy being lifted 40-45 feet across a road on a good gusty day. In America it’s probably more common and relatives turn a blind eye to it as the elderly have an incredible homing ability when lost. 3000 miles is a long oul jaunt I suppose.”
The storm theory also solves the overnight appearance of a McDonalds with Canadians inside it in a field in Clonoe. Locals simply put it down to the unstoppable globalisation of the fast food brand until the customers finally emerged and started playing ice hockey down the Washingbay Road.
Authorities have warned locals not to be keeping any people blown over here and mysteriously claiming for dependents.
Tyrone Tribulations 