Author Archives: Gombeen
International Reaction To Clonoe’s Victory
FEED THE O’RAHILLY’S
We emailed leaders and celebs across the globe to get their take on Clonoe’s victory over Carrickmore in the county final yesterday. Here is a sample response:
“Holy fook – the carmen were defeated? God darn it. I’d a dollar on Team Barney to bring home the bacon. You do the Math. Have a nice day.” President Obama
“Wonderful news. Do I prefer the O’Rahilly’s over Carrickmore? That would be an ecumenical matter. Let’s just say their weekly donations are healthier. There’s a lot of money in Clonoe. The McGraths and all.” POPE FRANCIS
“What?” Paul McCartney
“Stunning. To see the wee faces of the Clonoe ones brought a tear to my eye. Time for Brocagh, Derrytresk and Derrylaughan to get up off their arses and donate their players to Coney Park. Like feeder clubs. Feed the O’Rahilly’s.” Bob Geldof
“Wow. Just wow. LOL. WTF?” MILEY CYRUS
“Jaysus.” Pope Benedict XVI
“Great to see a six-county team prevail again. Another blow to the republic. No surrender.” SAMMY WILSON
“I’d say Tessie’s got some hammering last night. They’ll be ripping in Falls’ Bar.” VICTORIA BECKHAM
“I regret giving Big Oz the advice about using cooking gloves.” PAT JENNINGS
“What?” JENNIFER ANISTON
“Shocked. Gormley was the toughest marker I ever faced. Showed a healthy interest in my ma too.” LIONEL MESSI
“I’d like to echo Sammy’s comments. Up the Wahillys.” JAMIE BRYSON
“Catch yerself on Bryson.” BARRY MCELDUFF
PSNI Reveal Top Tyrone Excuses
PSNI tightening up
The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.
The statement listed the top 5 excuses:
- (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
- (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
- (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
- (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
- (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)
PSNI spokesman Constable Turntable added:
“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”
Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:
“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”
Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.
Donaghmore Wife Temporarily Leaves Husband Over Fig Rolls
A Donaghmore veterinary surgeon has temporarily moved into a caravan in Carland, away from her loughshore husband, after an on-going row about biscuits being bought for their house/mansion from the local filling station. Edward and Victoria Buckingham-Kensington have promised to patch up their differences in time but admit that a ‘time-out’ situation is the best course of action this weekend.
Victoria described what has forced her to desperate measures, and a trip to Carland:
“Frig the Fig Rolls. Donaghmore people do not eat Fig Rolls. Last week it was Bourbon Creams. The week before Custard Creams. What was he going to do next week? Jammy Dodgers or Pink Panthers? Hobs Nobs would even be better as they sound like the sort of biccie you’d eat around Ivybank Park alright. I’ve had enough. I know I shouldn’t have married a Derrylaughan man but I thought I could civilize him a bit by changing his surname from Donnelly to Buckingham-Kensington but obviously not. Fig Rolls, my posterior.”
Edward (previously known as Red Henry’s Lad) admitted he needs to up his effort if he’s to hold on to his Donaghmore dame:
“Aye, this is a bit of a blow. To be fair I saw the signs. Last week I told her I’d surprise her with a meal when she came back from horse-riding down the Pomeroy Road. I thought the corned-beef sandwiches plastered in brown sauce would do the trick but she went clean berserk and rubbed my face in it. I must try harder. I’m reconsidering the wellingtons and yard brush I got her for Christmas. Maybe I’ll change them for caviar or lobster or something these Donaghmore ones snack on.”
Victoria will remain in the caravan in Carland until her husband convinces her he can shake off the Derrylaughanish, starting with ditching the souped-up Massey he goes to parent-teacher meetings in.
New Radio Station ‘Tyrone FM’ Gets Off To Slow Start; Carrickmore Song Revealed
Boy George, he’s a Carmen man
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone’s newest radio station, Tyrone FM, got off to an uncertain start on Saturday after some prominent guests failed to show up.
Tyrone FM, which broadcasts on 189 Long Wave, received mixed feedback from those who bothered tuning in for the first broadcast on Saturday evening. Radio station owner, manager, broadcaster, presenter and DJ Duncan Hughes, said,
“We started off contacting the biggest names in showbiz, hoping we’d get at least one or two of them along. Philomena couldn’t make it, and neither could Mick Jagger, Madonna, or Bowie. By the time we got all the way through the list we ended up with Eoghan Quigg’s hairdresser which was a bit disappointing. And even she wanted twenty quid”.
Hughes was particularly disappointed about the no-show of one of Ireland’s biggest names.
“We faxed Bono on the Facebook and the Slabber and we didn’t get so much as a peep. I wanted him to do one of their big songs. Something like ‘Radio Gaga’ would have been perfect. Nothing. Who does think he is, a superstar or something? Next single of his isn’t getting played on this station. That’ll learn him”.
Listener Julie Bogue, an apple-corer from Aughabrack, said,
“Without being too unkind, it was dung from start to finish. It was advertised in the Dungannon Observer as a ‘mixture of repartee, music, and the very best in Tyrone banter’. All we got was Hughes complaining about the price of mince and the roadworks on the Ballygawley line”.
Standards fell even further when, in a seemingly desperate attempt to fill air time, Hughes turned up the volume on the TV in the studio and broadcast ‘Winning Streak’ for nearly an hour, followed by an old video recording of ‘George & Mildred’ from 1978.
‘I need to look at the format again”, admitted Hughes. “The on-air ‘Spot the Ball’ was maybe a bit misjudged and the radio version on ‘Galbally On Ice’ was a touch ambitious. Still, I don’t deserve the poundin’ I’ve taken. I’ll show them feckers. Ah’m tellin’ ye, I’m going to be one of the biggest names since Dave Lee Travis. He finished on the radio years ago and even today his name’s still on everyone’s lips. I’m going to be like that”, said a defiant Hughes.
Broadcasting continues this evening with the first airing of the equally disappointing Carrickmore’s song for the final ‘Carmen Chameleon’, the whole of which we can exclusively reveal below.
Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Chameleon
We score the goals, we score the goals
Penrose from Aghyaran and big Oz between the sticks
White, gold and green; white, gold and green
Repeat Again
Repeat Again
Repeat Again
Clonoe Song For Final ‘Not Deadly’ Says Louis Walsh
Definitely not Athenry
Louis Walsh has stunned the Clonoe community and in particular songwriter Packie Taggart after he publicly criticised their ‘Fields Of Old Clonoe’ on BBC Radio this morning, calling it ‘old-fashioned’, ‘dung’ and ‘a rip-off’. The recently penned song, written for their appearance in the Tyrone County Final this weekend, has been labelled suspiciously similar to the lyrics and sound of ‘The Fields Of Athenry’:
By the side of Tessie’s wall I heard Cassidy calling
Mickey Harte, you may stay away
For you stole McAliskey on me
You’ll not be getting young Paul Coney.
Now keep on drivin til you’re at the Washingbay.CHORUS
Low lie the fields of Old Clonoe
For we’re only about 5 miles from Ardboe
We used to have Prince McCabe
And big McClure with his hands like spades
We’ll be dancing when the cup is in Clonoe
Packie Taggart, 99-year old a retired livestock castrator, jumped to the defence of his song.
“It sounds nothing like Athenry. Sure that’s about a man stealing corn and being sent til Australia. My song is about the prospect of Harte stealing our lads to play for the county. No similarities at all. And the beauty of my song is that, unlike Athenry, I promote the majesty of Ardboe and Washingbay. This Louis Walsh boy can go buck himself.”
Walsh was critical of the subject matter as well as the fact that it is only two verses:
“The song will need to be played on loop as it’s over in 40 seconds. Also, was McClure really that big? In time, they’ll be saying he was 7 foot tall, wait til ye see. I heard he wasn’t deadly at shovelling or digging anyway.”
We’ll have full coverage tomorrow as Carrickmore release their song.
Hungover Binman Lifted Nearly Everything In Carrickmore
Clear signs he was full
A still-inebriated binman, who admitted he had an ‘awful feed of stout’ the previous night, completely cleaned out three estates and 15 roadside bungalows in the greater Carrickmore area on Tuesday morning.
Gary McNally, 49, told police he was still ‘half-cut’ whilst binning benches, garden gnomes, children’s bicycles, scooters, prams, goal-posts, fences, hanging baskets and plants as well as the standard black bins, all before anyone was awake.
“Yes, I wasn’t thinking clear. I was still on a high after a great weekend and just threw everything not nailed down into the lorry. I remember having great trouble dismantling a 40-foot fence but even then it didn’t twig that I wasn’t thinking straight. It’s tarra that you can still be plastered hours later.”
The driver of the lorry, Leo McCrory, admitted he suspected something was up:
“I definitely remember thinking some estates looked different when exiting, like an awful lot barer. And Gary did seem to take a serious amount of time gathering bins. I should have been more alert. It was only when I caught him dragging a trampoline from someone’s garden up onto the pavement that I realised he was still full.”
Carrickmore District Council released a statement to relay their feelings of regret but confirmed they will only replace the black bins that were also crushed in the total wipeout. Sinn Fein’s Barry McElhuff admitted it may just be one of those things:
“It may just be one of those things. Some handlin.”
Tyrone Under Siege As Dangerous Bear On The Loose. Answers To The Name ‘Bungle’.
Artist’s crude impression of how Bungle may look
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Residents in the Benburb area were warned by PSNI last night to stay indoors whilst they search for a bear which has escaped and is currently on the loose, believed to be somewhere near Donnelly’s Hill.
The bear, which is understood to have been once-domesticated by its owner, Englishman Geoffrey Hayes, answers to the name of ‘Bungle’, and is said to be dangerous.
A spokesman for the PSNI, Sean Robertson, said,
“This animal has a distinctive look about him. He has a bit of a squashed-up face and apparently is really really feckin’ clumsy, so if people are out searchin’ that’s what to look out for. Plus the fact he’s a 6-foot tall bear. That should help”.
Animal-handler Hayes, wearing a brightly coloured jumper and gripping an electric cattle prod, lamented,
“He used to be a lovable bear, slightly slow on the uptake, but then sometimes aren’t we all?” he said. “He even made some appearances on television back in the day. But he’s now over 40 years of age and he can get sometimes get a wee touch irritable. Especially with 4,000 volts up him”.
The hunt has produced a number of eager bounty hunters from the area who believe there may be a reward available.
“I’m told he looks like that big fierce Chewbaccy fecker out of Star Trek”, maintained Gerry McGee, a part-time soap dispenser from Brocagh. “One of thon police boys said there’s a bounty on its head. I didn’t realise bears even liked chocolate. Still, I’m going to bag it, once I’ve dusted down thon Armalite rifle that I don’t have hidden out in the back shed along with the ammunition that doesn’t exist. Ye boy ye”.
The search continued for most of yesterday evening, and included three companions of Hayes’, Freddy, Jane and Rod, all singers and dancers from out of the area. The search was called off for the evening after the three unaccountably broke into a song about puddles.
Concern for the safety of residents increased after the bear reportedly attacked a small hippopotamus which, owing to a virtually unheard-of pigmentation defect, was entirely pink.
It is believed Hayes and the bear were staying in temporary accommodation in the county after travelling to Ardboe area, having apparently mistaken it for another place called ’Rainbow’, before the bear escaped.
The Moy ‘Deadly Sad’ This Morning
The Moy, an hour ago
The Moy, a south-east Tyrone hamlet famous for being near Benburb, was this morning said to be in total depair after their senior football side were narrowly defeated by nine points in their semi-final yesterday. Only one local resident has ventured out of their house so far today to buy bread and stuff. She reportedly gave the fingers to a car that beeped at her, suspecting it to be an Eglish rapscallion.
Gregory Jordan, a 49 year old Far-East Christmas pantomime villain, reckons it’ll take a long time to get over this:
“This is worse than I dreaded it would be. We really thought this was the year. 1920. 19 buckin 20 was our last title. There’s a boy up the road there who says he remembers it. He’s in his 70s so it’s quite possible. He always says that in 1921 there was a curse put on the area by a witch doctor from Charlemont after an altercation between himself and the local PP over who wrote the words of ‘Blanket On The Ground’. I’m starting to believe in it. This is cat. I’d made 600 paper hats for the final with ‘The Moy Are Lethal’ on them. I’d say we’ll not recover from this til about 6pm or so.”
Local communities have since rallied around with supplies of spuds, joke books and toilet rolls delivered by the good people of Killyman on a big lorry. Donaghmore’s Malachi Cush has promised to take part in a ‘Cheer Up’ concert, committing himself to singing a rap version of the aforementioned ‘Blanket On The Ground’.
Susan McKearney, a 71-year old Gospel reader, acknowledged the goodwill gestures from neighbours:
“It’s very thoughtful. But it’ll take more than Cush rapping, Andrex Puppies and Kerr’s Pinks to get over those Carmen hoors’.
Moy PRO was unable to comment as he’s somewhere ‘on the continent’.
Strabane Dentist Complains About ‘Worst Teeth In Europe’
Mr Sion Mills, 1998
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A dentist in the county has warned that unless dental health in Tyrone improves, he will move from the area and set up elsewhere.
Stephen McAdam, a dentist who has been operating a dental surgery in Strabane since 1998, said that he has had enough of dealing with diseased gums, decayed teeth, and morning-after breath.
“And that’s just the children”, complained McAdam. “The adults are even worse. You should see some of the ones coming into the surgery here in Strabane. They look like they’ve been eating coal their teeth are that bad. It would give you the heave. One boy who was in last week made Shane McGowan out the Pogues looks like the Colgate Kid. It’s a disgrace. I’ve had enough. Does no-one use a toothbrush these days? I’m fed up with picking bits of turkey out that have been there since last Christmas”.
The stressed dentist went on,
“It’s not just the teeth. I could contend with that. But it’s the breath as well. Has no-one heard of mouthwash? Some of the time I have to wear one of thon bio-suits like they wear when someone’s been slaughtered off the TV. I’m feckin’ swelterin’ in it. It’s beyond a joke. I had this wemin in last week from Edendork and she hit me with the worse halitosis I’ve ever smelt. And that was before she even got out her car. It was like something had died in her mouth. My eyes are waterin’ just thinking about it. I told her to go home and eat as much garlic, out-of-date eggs and fish as she could. It won’t cure the bad breath, but it might calm it down a bit. What are these people eating?”
McAdam claims he is virtually at breaking point.
“I had a lad in the chair from Sion Mills last week. I could hardly face it. I’ve never seen crooked teeth like it. He could have eaten a sandwich through a letterbox. Has no-one got decent gnashers or dental implants round here? I’ve heard them ones in Donaghmore have got lovely gobs, like the Americans. I’ve had enough. Much more of this and I’m going to start charging by the tooth”.
Grand Theft Auto Ardboe “Too Realistic” For Public Consumption
Grand Theft Auto, the controversial video game which sees players take on the role of criminals and work their way through the ranks within gangland warfare, has admitted that they made a grave error trying to replicate the trials and tribulations of the Ardboe Underground.
Early reports of French, Chinese and American teenagers taking weeks off school to recover after playing only three hours of GTA Ardboe has not gone down well with its executives and media watchdogs across the globe. Issues such as diesel laundering, poteen making, bru-dodging, eel-breeding and general codology has proven to be a step too far for hardcore gamers from Florida to Finland.
Francois LeMan, a 17-year old Parisian hardcore hood, found it hard to talk about his psychological condition:
“Sacre Bleu. These Ardboe ones are, how do you say it in Ireland, ‘mad hoors’. You breed mad deadly eels. I don’t play games any more. I’m off to Lourdes.”
Level two of GTA Ardboe, which sees the game-player indulge in tractor-diffing and stealing neighbour’s gates on Halloween night, was described by high ranking American officials as ‘complete mind-numbing depravity’. A spokesman for President Obama admitted:
“Yes, Barack did play it to see what the fuss was. He loved the ‘Slabberin At Moortown Ones’ level but thought the ‘Using Cooking Oil As Fuel’ task was too unrealistic.”
GTA Urney has also been discontinued because of its ‘Takin The Head Clane Off Strabane Sigerson Full Forwards’ level.
Omagh Man Gets Wrong Flight Home. Ends Up In Omaha.
Seamie Corrigan, on plane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.
Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.
“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote aff. I fell into the taxi and just told yer man to take me to Omagh town centre”.
Asked how soon he realised he was in the wrong continent, an indignant Corrigan replied,
“Incontinent? Watch it ye boy. That was just a wee misunderstanding on the plane. I spilled a glass of water on my trousers, that’s all. Don’t you believe anything different. Anyways, the queues for the bogs on that plane was ridiculous. I was burstin’”.
Looking back, Corrigan realised something wasn’t quite right as soon as he arrived in Omaha in Nebraska.
“I suppose I should have twigged straightaway I wasn’t back in Ireland when it was September and the rain wasn’t throwin’ it down. And the taxi driver was speaking with this really funny accent, saying ‘howdy’ and ‘shucks’ and suchlike, but I just assumed he was from Killeeshil or some place like that”.
The hapless Corrigan only realised the extent of his problem when he went into a local bar to order a drink, and was greeted by a barmaid with a warm and friendly smile who provided prompt and efficient service.
“Ach, Omagh is alright, but some of them wemmin working in the bars have a face like a pishmire. That’s when I knew something had gone badly wrong. And they don’t even have bullfighting in Italy. Some handlin’”.
The incident follows a report just a few weeks ago of a man from the Washingbay area who ended up spending nearly a month in Washington DC before realising he was on the wrong continent over 3,000 miles off course.
Anger As Giro d’Italia Comes To Ireland, But Not Pomeroy Or Drumquin
Cyclist’s nightmare?
Pomeroy, and its famed mountains, was said tonight to be ‘livid’ as news of the route for the Giro d’Italia was released today with Belfast, the Glens of Antrim and Armagh the designated stages. The Italian Quarter in Cappagh are also said to be a bit ‘miffed’, having bought in a lorryload of ice cream for the occasion.
There will be three stages to the race – a 22 km time trial around Belfast, a loop around the north coast and a cross border final stage, with Drumquin also sensationally snubbed despite them even having a song about their hills too.
Patsy Devlin, a cycling enthusiast from Pomeroy, summed up the feelings of his disappointed home-place:
“Some shower. Are they afeard to tackle our mountains? They think they’re deadly climbing the Alps and all but that’s a doddle compared to Grimes’ Hillock or Kavanagh’s Mound. I’d like to see Bradley Wiggles attempt Sigerson’s Hump with buck goats darting at you from both sides or trying to negotiate a spontaneous Philomena Begley concert half way up Cavanakeeran. Wimps. Buckin wimps.”
Drumquin’s Tessie Hurson also couldn’t contain her anger:
“We’re furious. When we heard the Giro was coming here we were sure Drumquin would be first on the list. We even painted the roads with motivational slogans like ‘Keep er lit’, ‘Shoe to the burd’ and ‘Suckin Diesel’. I’ve no doubt the words of The Hills Above Drumquin have put these pansies off: “This life is sad and dreary, and the task of it is sore, My feet are growing weary, I may never wander more;”
Meanwhile, Slieve Gallion locals have welcomed news of the route with Johnny Irwin claiming they never wanted a pile of nosey-parkers sniffing around their braes as “there’s things going on in them there mountains that no one needs to know about” before winking and walking off, smelling of potatoes, malted barley and diesel.
New Tyrone Social Media Site ‘Slabber’ Fails To Reach Target Membership
Despite confident predictions that his social media rival to Twitter would reach four million members in the first week, Eskra computer guru Francey Taggart admitted the uptake of ‘Slabber’ was not as successful as he had imagined.
A week after its launch at a dinner dance in Kelly’s Inn, only three people had permanently signed up to the new service and were “slabbering” regularly – Taggart himself, his cousin in Kildress and a man from Plumbridge. Slabber is a simple social network where people share thoughts with a limit of two words set on all posts. It seems that these restrictions may have been slightly off-putting for potential users.
Kitty Horridge, a fiddle fixer from Fintona, tried the new platform for three hours:
“It’ll never take off. I know we’re known for not saying much around these parts but this is taking the biscuit. I wanted to tell people that I was having a bad day. All I could slabber was – ‘Annoyed. Me.’ Someone slabbered back – ‘Hope. Well.’ I said ‘OK. Soon’. She said ‘what. meet?’ I said ‘No. No’. She slabbered ‘Hateful. Bitch.’ It was all just too confusing. We’ve now fallen out over a slabbering misunderstanding because of this buckin yoke.”
Taggart maintains it’s early days and still predicts he’ll be a multi-millionare by Christmas.
“People are quick to judge in these parts. OK, there have been some teething problems like the fella who evacuated the whole of Omagh when he slabbered ‘Omagh. Smoking.’ The PSNI were too trigger-happy and cordoned off all roads. All the lad was saying was he was having a cigarette around the back of Sally’s. Give it time. The lad from Plumbridge is some craic. He slabbered a joke yesterday ‘Chicken. Glue.’ Jaysus I laughed for hours…hen crossed the road because he was glued to the back of a chicken I was thinking. That’s the beauty of Slabber. It can be what you want.”
So far only one celebrity has momentarily signed up. Hugo Duncan slabbered “Diddily. Uncle’.
Derry Spy Thrown Out Of Garvaghey GAA Centre
Ballinderry native, Jake Bateson, was quietly bundled into the boot of a Ford Cortina and driven to a remote Sperrin location after being unveiled as a Derry spy making basic notes on the impressive new Tyrone sporting venue.
Officials were alerted to his presence after a series of unusual actions finally identified him as a rock solid Derry man, particularly from the loughshore. Garvaghey Centre chief bouncer Henry Harte explained:
“As soon as he walked in I was suspicious, like as if he was trying too hard. He was wearing a 1986 Tyrone top and kept shouting ‘there’s no London in Tyrone’. GAA president Liam O’Neill looked a bit startled. Then during the tour he kept taking photos of everything, even the toilets. It was all just a bit weird. There were a lot of important men in suits perturbed.”
Initial suspicions were confirmed as soon as the main dignitaries took to the stage during the official opening:
“We were keeping a close eye on him at this stage. Whereas other journalists were using laptops, this fellow took out a page and a red crayon. Then he produced an abacus and counted the number of speakers by moving a bead along. He was also facing the wrong way. Classic signs of a Derry native.”
On eviction, Bateson wept openly, claiming he was sent by ‘Men from Owenbeg’ and tried to cut a lock off Brian Dooher’s hair.
Tattyreagh Man Dresses Up As He-Man In Court, Wife As She-Ra. Charges Dropped.
Tattyreagh’s finest
Borrowing inspiration from Willie Frazer’s fancy dress stunt in Belfast today, Tattyreagh duo Peter and Mary McBride donned the costumes of 1980s cartoon heroes He-Man and She-Ra in Omagh Court today in an attempt to overturn the repossession of their house on the Blackfort Road, after nine months of eviction notices due to non-payment of mortgage.
Peter McBride, a 52-year downhill gardener, explained his decision:
“You know, if it’s good enough for Willie and Jamie it’s good enough for my Mary and me. We studied the law last night and came to the conclusion that in Masters Of the Universe and She-Ra:Princess Of Power, there was no indication that the villain-catching duo ever met their mortgage payments on Castle Grayskull. In fact, quite the opposite. There didn’t seem to be any income coming in and the government seemed to be happy enough as long as they kept Skeletor at bay. There can’t be one rule for fictional cartoon heroes and another for common gardeners.”
Judge Sheila Smilie backed the McBrides’ plea, stating that TV producers need to show more responsibility in their programming before we have Wombles, Sooty and Sweep as well as Bungle from Rainbow all turning up getting off petty crime.
Peter McBride admitted he was surprised things turned out favourably:
“By the power of Grayskull, I thought we’d be laughed out of it. We’re away to celebrate with a cheesy chip.”
….before exclaiming “I Have The Power” and raising his walking stick into the Autumnal Omagh air.
Stewartstown Issues Sort-Of Nuclear Threat To World
Thousands of caps ready to be unleashed on Brackaville
The sprawling village of Stewartstown, where no one has emigrated from or immigrated to since 1979, has decided to flex its international muscle and issue a sort-of nuclear threat to the rest of the world that they’ll be ‘taking no more shit’ from today onwards. Unfortunately nicknamed ‘tintown’, after it was revealed in 1948 that labourers wrap everything in tinfoil from their lunch to their tools, residents have decided that now was the time to reveal the arsenal of weapons they have been stockpiling since 1969 when they struck up a deal with the Russians.
Lord Mayor Cal Coyle announced during a hastily-arranged press conference outside the Credit Union:
“Yes, that’s right lads and lassies. We’re the bucking big boys now. We have shedfuls of Spanish fireworks, caps for Chinese toy guns, French bangers and Brazilian sparklers. Buckets of the stuff. Underground bunkers, hideouts in rural areas – you name it. Let the message be loud and clear – one more online reference to tintown or any other derogatory reference to Stewartstown and this planet is going to experience the Armageddon. Starting with Portugal or New Zealand maybe. We might give Brackaville a rattle first, like as a test drive.”
Flanked by 7 men and 3 women all wearing welding masks as disguise, Coyle was asked what sparked the declaration of war on the world at this particular time:
“I was reading something on boards.ie yesterday regarding weeding lawns and someone said something about ‘Stewartstown a.k.a. Tintown’. That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Then there’s them North Koreans, the Pakistanis, the Yanks, the Russians, the Chinese and the Iranis all boasting away about their nuclear capabilities. Well, try counteracting 5000 loop-the-loop fireworks being dropped on you from about 1200 feet. One of our lads recently got a provisional pilot’s licence and we know we can hire a small 2-seater from Newtownards. Just push our buttons one more time. ONE MORE TIME.”
The UN have confirmed they are taking this threat seriously but will wait to see if it’s just a result of nerves before the Intermediate quarter final against Brackaville that has sparked today’s declaration.
Mixed Feelings On Arthur’s Day In Tyrone
We took a spin around the county to test the temperature on the Guinness money-spinner ‘Arthur’s Day’.
“Arthur’s Day my arse.” SANDY SAVAGE, NEWMILLS
“To be honest, every day’s an Arthur’s Day in our house. Yer man comes home full of stout after a few in Quinn’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then he goes on a charge on Sundays and Saturdays. But listen, being a parish priest ain’t easy.” MRS TONER, BALLYGAWLEY PAROCHIAL HALL
“I think it’s great we’re finally acknowledging the great joy Art McCrory brought us. Mickey’s Day just sounds like a Dublin brothel.” PADDY KAVANAGH, DUNGANNON
“Ach I wouldn’t be up-to-date on Christy Moore’s stuff. Is it any good? Hard to bate Don’t Forget Yer Shovel.” R MCSHINNY, COALISLAND
“The basterd. I left a stocking at the end of the bed last night hoping he’d have left a tin or two in the morning. Nothing”. D DEVLIN, GREENCASTLE
“I hate it. St Patrick didn’t chase the snakes out of Ireland so we could brew stout morning to night. Or, …did he?” G MCCANN, MOY
“I’m sick of these Irish stereotyping holidays. As soon as I finish my pint, I’m going to punch someone with my Shillelagh, begob”. P MURPHY, CAPPAGH SHEBEEN
“They should call tomorrow National Sewage Day. There’ll be some blockages in the morning going by the shower drinking stout in Sally’s.” J MCMAHON, OMAGH
“Ghost-oh” MOST OF ARDBOE
“Bloody hell. Christmas, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween and now this. All holidays invented by the Stormont government boys to fleece us all.” F LOGAN, STEWARTSTOWN
20’000 Viewers Tune In For New Tyrone Farmers’ TV Channel. Racy After Midnight.
Derrytresk Digger Drivers
Religious leaders across Tyrone were up in arms tonight after a change in the schedule saw programmes like Clonoe Farmers’ Wives come on the new Tyrone Farmers’ TV channel on Sky 899. The much anticipated new TV station saw 20’000 tune in at one stage to watch a special programme on the origins of the Massey 135 followed by ‘How To Bale, Turn and Row a Field In Less Than An Hour’. However, after midnight the airwaves turned blue with three hours of raunchy programmes including ‘Blades on Balers’ and ‘Boilersuit Babes’, sparking furious calls to TV regulators from clergy and other religious ministers who were still up watching channels that far down the schedule.
The Very Reverend Johnny Rogan told OFCOM:
“I’m still shaking. When I turn on the telly at night, I do not expect to see a woman from Brackaville lying all over a Davy Brown wearing nothing but oul holey jeans and and their GAA top, winking at the camera saying things like ‘do yez like me motor lads’ and going over oul talk like that. If I wanted to hear that I’d watch them other channels just after it on the remote control sure, only in an English accent.”
Overall though, producers of the new channel have hailed it a success with other popular programmes like ‘Ewe Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Top Of The Crops’ pulling in over 10’000 viewers. Chief Executive, Jo-Jo McIlhinney, was delighted despite the midnight criticism:
“All-in-all it was a great debut. Our Jeremy Kyle style chat-show ‘Get Off My Land’ saw over 600 calls from farmers looking to appear on next week’s show to discuss our topics such as ‘access to a rampart’ and ‘how to keep the kitchen from smelling like dung’. I sympathise with Reverend Rogan’s plight but farmers get lonely too. Next week we’ll be catering for our women with ‘Derrytresk Digger Drivers, Bare-Chested’. And best of all, it’s free – after you pay the £90 subscription”.
The Very Reverend Rogan admitted he’d watched ‘Titillating Trillick Tractor Teasers’ as he’s deadly fond of the American Cockshutt Hartparr models.
Tomorrow’s schedule:
8am-10am – Cutting Hay The Augher Way – Scythe Special
10am-12am – The Great Kildress ‘Quare Feed of Spuds’ Bake-Off
12pm-2pm – Spread Or No Spread
2pm-4pm – The Weakest Linkbox
4pm-6pm – Come Milk With Me
6pm-8pm – Emerdale
8pm-10pm – You’ve Been Farmed
10pm-12am – Emerdale
12am-2am – Moortown Maids In Manure
2am-4am – Galbally Guys On Grass
4am-8am Emerdale
Teacher Achieves Breakdown In A Record Two Weeks Into The School Term
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Docherty in his pomp
A teacher at a school in Eglish has become the county’s first to achieve a full-scale breakdown this year, barely a fortnight into the new school term, accusing the pupils of sustained codology.
It took the GCSE science class only 8 school days to wear down Master Docherty who teaches science and biology at St Roger’s Secondary School in Eglish, to phone in long-term sick, a record in the county and possibly the whole of Ulster. The previous record in the county was 4 weeks achieved by a female Killyman teacher who bulldozed a bus shelter during break time, singing ‘School’s Out For Summer’ in Irish.
Pupil antics included making ‘yeooooo’ sounds when his back was turned, sticking notes on his back saying ‘I’m a oul glipe’ and nailing a trout to the underside of his table, leaving a horrible stench for five days.
46-year old Docherty, reportedly instructed pupils during Tuesday’s biology lesson to, “quietly read the four chapters on ‘Plants and their Properties’ and to do so without asking any questions or making any noise whatsoever or I’ll take the heads clean off yis all”, before putting his own head down on the desk for the remainder of the lesson without looking up. Unconfirmed reports said that quiet sobbing could be heard from behind the desk. He was later seen wandering about the school grounds without shoes.
“He cited ‘heavy flu’ in his sick note, but we all know what that means”, said school headmaster Padraig Boyle with a wink. “If flu symptoms include bursting into floods of tears, weeping about how hard it is to build your self-confidence and hiding in the storeroom, then sure, flu it is!”
He went on,
“You have to hand it to the kids. It’s a triumph, and to achieve it so quickly into the new term is testament to the commitment and perseverance of some of the pupils here at St Rogers’s. Normally they take a good few months to break a teacher, but not my lot. And he wasn’t one of thon temp teachers who are easy meat. Docherty was a seasoned professional, 15 years as a secondary school teacher. Sterling stuff from the youngsters”.
Suggestions that teachers going on long-term sick leave in record-breaking time might not necessarily be a good thing were met with perplexity by the unorthodox head.
“That’s typical of the media these days. You expect cubs to achieve something and then you knock them down once they do it. Are you wise? These youngsters have demonstrated thoughtfulness, tenacity, and persistence in working as a group to comprehensively destroy this man’s self-esteem. And you say that’s not a ‘proper’ accomplishment? Don’t forget that the challenge of getting an emotional response from teachers is even greater these days for the pupils. It has restored my faith in them anyway”.
Negotiations between Boyle and RTE for the school to appear on a new programme, ‘Educating Tyrone’, a fly on the wall documentary, have been put on hold indefinitely.
Tyrone Enjoys Heat Wave As Weather Re-Classification Index Takes Effect
“Mild, with showers”
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
New rules to ensure greater parity between cold weather climates such as Tyrone and its warmer-weather European counterparts came into effect today.
The EU’s AWWA ‘Appalling Weather Weighting Allowance’ will now allow towns with generally disappointing weather to re-classify its weather forecasts, to ensure that it is not meteorologically-disadvantaged compared to its European cousins.
Council spokesperson Audi Pyper explained.
“For years we’ve got our hopes up that the climate’s improving and it turns out cat. We’ve had an ongoing programme in the County to persuade everyone to contribute towards increase global warming, because it would do wonders for the climate, but it’s not worked. Global warming unfortunately isn’t coming to Tyrone any time soon, so this is great news”.
Examples of the new index are shown in the table below, which are now in place with immediate effect.
|
Old Description |
New Description |
| Warm | Scorching |
| Breezy | Hot |
| Mild | Warm |
| Windy | Pleasant |
| Heavy Rain | Mild |
| Torrential Rain | Mild |
| Blizzards | Mild |
| Hurricane | Mild with showers |
| Sub-zero | Fresh |
Residents in Tyrone now face the exciting prospect of calling this month a genuine ‘Indian Summer’, where ‘Indian’ can be interpreted as ‘prolonged’, and ‘summer’ means ‘downpours’. “Yesterday it was horizontal rain in Edendork, proper pelting down”, said Pyper, “But apparently under the new index we can now call it ‘a slight chance of drizzle’. Class. Think what this’ll do for the tourist trade”.
Prospective tourist Thad McMasterson from America, seemed to agree.
“Gee, doncha jus’ love County Teerone? We checked the forecast with you fine people and it said it’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, all the way through the fall. I just gotta get myself and my wife Marleen ourselves a piece of that action. We’ll be right with y’all, just as soon as we’re done invading folks in some foreign country or other”.
Forecasters from the Met Office are predicting a slight dip in the weather next week, which is expected to be mild with showers.
Tyrone Tribulations 