‘The Mountains of Pomeroy’ Now Has To Compete With ‘The Street Signs of Plumbridge’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
One of Tyrone’s most cherished songs has come under attack from other villages desperate to put their own mark in the music world.
The village of Pomeroy is facing increasing resentment that not only do they have their own special Diamond, but they also have their own song, renowned throughout the world. Other villages are now promoting songs about their villages and townlands, including the mournful ballad, ‘The Street Signs of Plumbridge’, a song about unrequited love and clear, unambiguous traffic signage.
Mickey Daly of Derbrough Road in Plumbridge told us,
“That Pomeroy song’s mince. What’s so special about their mountains, eh? Sure, do we not have a whole clatter of them in Tyrone? That’s why we’re promoting ‘The Street Signs of Plumbridge’. It’s an instant classic”.
He went on,
“It’s about a pair of two young star-crossed dreamers who meet by the river in Plumbridge for a romantic tryst, surrounded by
roads with excellent traffic calming measures. Once this gets out the recording studios’ll be fighting off Nathan and Malachi and Andrea and all that lot with a sharp stick. This is going to be the next ‘Fields of Athenry’”.
Daly said that an extract of two of the verses of the song relate to the timeless dance of young love, yet set in a modern and contemporary
setting: –
We met upon Glenelly bridge where cars reduce their power
They’re not allow’d to travel more than twenty miles an hour.
With stars above I begged for love, your embrace I did beseech
You updated Facebook, texted friends and soft did slur your speech.
With golden hair and winsome glance, your gentle form divine
You kiss’d me whilst the curlews sang beneath the Give Way sign.
My eyes did close in sweet delight when your lips on mine did linger
And only open’d in surprise at where you’d put your finger.
The final verse reflects on the sorrow of loneliness and of unreciprocated desire: –
We parted by the traffic lights and true I shed a tear
I’d had my heart so pierced with love, you’d had four cans of beer.
You captivated all my heart, my soul you did bewitch
Tho’ none can hold a candle to the street signs of Plumbridge.
Rumours surfaced last night that Hugo Duncan may have agreed to record another new local song, entitled, ‘The Pawn Shops of Strabane’.
Tyrone Priests Agree To 10% Cut Of Children’s First Communion Money
Communion Tax will wipe his smile
The Tyrone Clergy Committee (TCC) have passed a motion to claim 10% of every child’s money after celebrating their First Communion from 2015.
In what they are claiming is a ‘display of mercy’ they have moved to lower the percentage to 8% for any child who receives over £200. A dry run will be attempted in Loughmacrory next weekend with P4 teachers informing parents tomorrow morning.
TCC spokesman Fr Molloy explained the decision:
“We think it’s a fair call. Priests were dejected at seeing children walking about with wads of cash in their back pockets and flaunting their wealth in the faces of those who run the whole show. We were getting £10 in an envelope from schools, far less than 10% of one child’s takings. It was sickening. This way it’s a fair deal and if a priest gives First Communion to 20 children he can expect to pocket around £400 for himself. The morning after communion, we will call at the homes of each child and ask their parents for what we are calling ‘communion tax’.”
Loughmacrory parent Leo McBrien predicts an outbreak of lies next week if the proposal goes ahead.
“I can tell you now, if Fr Shannon calls at my house next Sunday and asks how much our Paul got for his communion I’ll be lying, like. £10 I’ll say and hand him a pound. How will he know? And sure I can go to confession later on in the week and clear the air with the Lord. Win win.”
Fr Molloy hopes the 8% tax break for the more financially successful children will see a rise in generosity in parishes but warns against parents begging for donations in order to break the £200 barrier. “They’d have some neck on them to be at that lark” added Molloy.
Inaugural ‘Giro D’Onaghmore’ Cycle Race Takes Place, As Tyrone Declared, ‘Mad For The Bikin’
Sidney in training
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
An inaugural cycling race took place yesterday, in an event designed to compete directly with the Giro d’Italia road race which sees one of the stages taking in Armagh.
Local organiser, Terence Kerr from the Rock, proudly told us,
“It was an unqualified success. I know we only had one person who entered for it who didn’t even finish, but that’s not the point. Well, it sort of is, but you’ve got to try, haven’t you? And what’s so special about Armagh anyway? It’s not a patch on Tyrone. It says in the paper they’re starting the race at the Shambles in Armagh. Why not Donaghmore? You should see thon speed bumps on the main street. Now they’re a proper feckin’ shambles. That’s why we’ve done our own race. Armagh can stick their apple orchards up their holes”.
The lone participant, 32-stone man Sidney Clarke from Cabragh, collapsed with exhaustion just two miles into the 124-mile route.
“I had done all my preparation and loads of training and was taking it all deadly serious”, he admitted regretfully. “In fact I bought so many go-faster stickers out of Argos I couldn’t fit them all on my Raleigh Chopper. And all the gears were working apart from the first and second, so I’m not really sure what went wrong”.
Onlooker Gerard McMahon from Urney confirmed,
“Ah, now poor Sidney wouldn’t be fastest thing on two wheels. Some of the wee’ans coming out of St Joseph’s at home time were going faster than him. The poor man was on the bike for three hours, and that was just going up Pomeroy main street. And I don’t really think the stabilisers helped much. The critter. Sweat was lashin’ off him. He’s a big lad, carrying plenty of beef. By the time he finished, they had to burn the saddle. Tara”.
Kerr advised that the Giro D’Onaghmore race originally attracted interest from over 300 people, until nearly all of them realised the race was nothing to do with collecting their Giro from the post office on a Thursday morning. Plans are already underway for a 2015 cycling event, the Tour de Fintona.
Pensioner Cannabis Grower Thought They Were Christmas Trees
Christmas cheer?
An Aughnacloy farmer who claims he thought he was simply growing Christmas trees in his greenhouse has been charged with manufacturing £300’000 worth of cannabis plants in six months.
Mickey Gildernew, a 66 year old gardening enthusiast and non-smoker, admitted he was surprised at the massive turnover of his Christmas tree sideline especially as it appeared to be selling just as well in July as in December. A PSNI raid revealed a further 300 cannabis indica plants ready for sale this morning.
Gildernew, who was bailed for £20, told us:
“Honest to God, my eyesight wouldn’t be deadly. I thought I was growing Christmas trees for the family and after a few boys called one day looking to buy the trees off me I decided to keep it going and churned out over 1000 trees since February. I did think it an odd time for people to be buying them and I also thought it strange that they were mostly young men with long hair buying the stuff. But, at £40 a tree I wasn’t complaining.”
Local student and chain-smoker Patsy McGleenan (19) admitted he was sad to hear of Gildernew’s demise:
“Ah I gutted to hear of Weisenhager’s arrest. We gave him that name as he was the most convincing drug baron I know. He would use code phrases like ‘putting a fairy on top’ and ‘hide your presents under it’. We hadn’t a clue what he meant but he obviously knows more about this business than we’ll ever know. With Weisenhager’s stuff off the market, it’s back to Irn Bru and Sherbet Dips for my kicks.”
Mickey ‘Weisenhager’ Gildernew will appear before a jury in December in an event due to be televised live by new national TV station IrishTv. This week there will also be a two page supplement on Christmas trees in the Tyrone Times tomorrow.
Jeremy Clarkson In Trouble Again, This Time Over Use Of ‘Brolly’ Word
Brolly-fan?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The controversial television presenter Jeremy Clarkson was once again mired in controversy yesterday about a Tyrone-based filming of BBC2’s Top Gear, when he is said to have inadvertently muttered the word ‘Brolly’ by accident.
The episode, parts of which were released on YouTube, was filmed in a disused quarry near Orritor, which Clarkson is said to have wanted to use to, ‘drive tractors into each other and maybe blow up some caravans’.
But thousands of residents were last night demanding the presenter’s resignation after an incident which has once again embroiled the presenter in further controversy. The use of the B-word occurred when Clarkson was trying to choose between two vehicles, one a New Holland T7030 Delta and the other a John Deere 6330 Platinum, during which he is alleged to have said, “I really can’t choose between the two, they’re both brilliant”, but, on several careful listening of the recording may or may not have come out as, “I really can’t choose between the two, they’re both Brolly-ant”.
Many Tyrone residents were outraged.
“The hoor”, said Liam Donnelly, a pot hole maker from Urney. “Thon Clarkson needs to go. This is beyond a joke. If I actually bothered paying my licence fee I’d definitely stop. It’s only this past month I’ve been able to switch the telly on again after the RTE incident with that commentator last year. See? I can’t even bring myself to say Joe Brolly’s name. Oh”.
62-year old Conal Mulgrew, a trapeze artist from Seskinore, said,
“Top Gear’s had its day, although to be fair the last time I watched it they were reviewing the new Hillman Hunter, so it’s been a while. I don’t really bother. They don’t do nearly enough stuff about link boxes. Bet that would get the viewing figures up. Still, he can’t go about saying words like that. There might have been wee’ans watching. Or Sean Cavanagh’s oul wans”.
In a separate incident, complaints have also been made to the BBC about The Stig, who said that diffing was for ligs.
Middle-Aged Boiler Men Are ‘Most Desirable’ Say Tyrone Women
A deadly man in action
A recent survey carried out on local streets and ramparts have concluded that, contrary to popular opinion, unqualified middle-aged boiler servicers make women go weak at the knees, especially those over the age of 50.
Boiler men have relegated stove fitters, farmers and part-time electricians to also-rans after 360 local women from Clady to Brocagh were quizzed whilst out shopping or just walking about, regarding their romantic preferences .
Francie Hagan, a 63-year old boiler man from Aghyaran, is not surprised at the results. Whilst fixing a boiler in Castlederg for a 67-year old widow, Hagan told us:
“Not one bit shocked. I’ve been finding myself flat-out since I turned 50, especially with older women wanting their pipes looked at when there’s nothing wrong with them at all. It’s a bit embarrassing sometimes as I’m friendly with a few of the husbands. I’m no looker myself but I think the smell of home heating oil and the dirty boiler suit seems to drive the women mad. I’m not complaining. £100 for a call out every time.”
Patricia Morgan, a 55-year old retired hairdresser from Moortown, explained:
“There’s an oul man around these parts and he’s exhausted running about fixing boilers that don’t seem to need fixing. I sort of feel sorry for him but he charges £50 for even looking at the boiler from a distance. Then if you add on another £50 for a frock we’d buy for him coming and it’s a bucking fortune we’re out. He smells deadly though.”
Since the publication of the survey, angry housewives have been accompanying their boiler-servicing husbands on jobs, posing as apprentices.
Meanwhile, many local discos have registered a rise in young boys looking like old boiler men on nights out hoping to win the hearts of their female peers. Dancing with spanners and pliers in hand has become the 2014 craze in Cookstown and Omagh nightclubs.
‘Darragh The Tank Engine’ Writer Accused Of Plagiarism By Publishers
The Plump Regulator
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Seskinore writer of a new children’s book has been accused of copying a long-standing children’s classic.
Last month author Marty Gallagher of Doogary Road was in discussion with several well-known Tyrone-based publishing houses about a children’s book he had written entitled ‘Darragh the Tank Engine’ about a fictional train and his little train friends, before being accused of copying a similarly named character and story-format from another popular children’s book.
“My characters are completely different from anything else that’s out there”, protested Gallagher. “See, I have this one boyo in it who’s not a train at all but a human who looks after all the railways and trains and suchlike, called the Plump Regulator. I know it’s probably a bit size-ist but it just seems like the right character. I can’t explain it. I’m copying no-one hi. It’s deadly. And if it gets made into a telly programme I don’t want some posh actor from London narrating it. I like the idea of someone with a strong regional accent, like that John Bishop fella. He’s quite good. It’s just something about the Scouse accent. Class”.
Gallagher turned to writing a few years ago after heavily investing in a typewriter manufacturing business in Belfast, which promptly went out of business two weeks later.
“Aye, who could have predicted the changes ahead, eh?” said Gallagher ruefully. “I tried to save the business by diversifying into selling filofaxes, but it was too little too late. That’s why I’ve since turned my hand to writing. I’ve some imagination, even although I don’t know where my half my ideas come from”.
One of the would-be publishers based in Trillick, the publishing heartland of Tyrone, who didn’t want to give her name, declared,
“I know where his bloody ideas come from. He needs to catch himself on. He approached us with a book last year called Barry Cotter, about a boy wizard from Cappagh who got up to all sorts of stuff with his mate, Sean Greasely. Wonder where he got that idea? And then there was his other so-called book, ‘The Lion, The Witch, and The Washingbay’. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. And obviously neither can he”.
As of yesterday evening, Gallagher was hard at work on his typewriter expanding his range of train characters, including a “a friendly wee Welsh engine called Ivor”.
BBC Apologises To Entire County Over Religion Gaffe
Typical Clonoe Man or Buddha?
A minor BBC production company has issued an apology to the whole of County Tyrone as well as the Buddhist community after they concluded a religious documentary by stating that Buddhism was now the dominant faith practised in the area.
BBC4’s Faith In Ireland series concluded yesterday with a tour of Ulster, visiting Strabane, Carrickmore and Ardboe and observing local traditions and faith development from a distance. Narrated by Prince Charles, the programme-makers ended with the declaration that ‘Buddhism is now the most practised faith in Tyrone, relegating Christianity to the dark ages‘.
Producer Ken Barlowe explained the error:
“It was an honest mistake. We were driving about the countryside and witnessed loads of bald men carrying a bit of weight just sitting on stone walls or fences doing nothing but staring into the distance and nodding every few minutes. We just thought it was some form of enlightened status they had reached. We didn’t know that baldness was rife in the county and with the men being fond of cream buns and fries, they looked like dead ringers for the small Buddha figures you’d see in Chinese restaurants.”
Barlowe also apologised to the Buddhist faith after research confirmed the little bald figure had little or nothing to do with the original Buddha. When pushed on how the apology will be offered, he angrily added:
“Listen, we’ve apologised already, OK? We saw priests shouting at the bald men so assumed the clergy were scolding them regarding their lapses. Anyway, in Clonoe we saw around 120 bald men with a couple of extra pounds around their waist just sitting in hedges and against walls, staring at cars going past. Have these people nothing to do? Might as well take up the Buddhism I say.”
Barlowe later apologised for the above quote, reminding viewers that there was much more to Buddhism than sitting in hedges staring at cars and that baldness was not a requisite to practise the faith.
First Wild Snake In Ireland- In 1600 Years!
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Happy chicken fried rice-loving Moy snake
Tyrone Tribulations can reveal that the first wild snake to be discovered in Ireland since the time of Saint Patrick has been captured alive in one of Ireland’s oldest counties, Tyrone.
The tiny village of Moy, made famous by Gaelic football star Plunkett Donaghy and former underage Ulster rugby talent Shaun Kavannagh, finds itself once again on the map for an altogether more slippery reason.
A one metre snake, at this stage considered to be completely safe and non-venomous (simply due to the fact that no-one has been bitten by it so far) was found warming itself next to a wheelie bin out the back of the co-operative store, which locals are now petitioning to have renamed ‘Steve Irwins’
Manageress on duty at the time, Julie Rushe, is believed to have been so frightened by her discovery that she repeated the word ‘Jaysus’ over 200 times before reporting the find.
It is thought to have survived on scraps from the local Chinese take-away, easily accessed with its forked tongue.
The juvenile snake, christened “Brolly” by locals, is believed to have wriggled its way to Ireland undetected in the bag of one of three local youths who have just returned from a working holiday in Australia.
The three, who have spent the last year backpacking and fruit picking on a banana farm in Queensland, have returned home to see their beloved Moy take on Moortown in the first round of the Tyrone Senior Football Championship.
Cardinal Rodney Serpentine, formerly of East London, spoke to us from the Armagh Cathedral – ironically the exact place Saint Patrick reputedly showed Saint Bridget how to weave the cross that made her a household name.
“Would you Adam and Eve it? Fantastic news for the area. It has really tipped the scales in Tyrone’s favour for an influx of American and Australian tourists who will now feel more at home here, what with animals they see all the time and not just your usual cows and stray badgers.”
He added:
“Its funny really because when I first came to here from London, I was told to look out for the snakes around the Moy!”
Tomney’s bar are also offering a promotion on pints of snake-bite at £7.50 each until the end of May.
It is expected that the snake will be relocated to Australia, or else just flushed down the toilet.
Kildress Politician Criticised For Foul-Mouthed Election Poster
Conway
Kildress Independent Movement’s Paddy Conway has been ordered to re-think his campaign slogan after parents complained of children copying the language used on his local election posters.
The motto in question – “Vote Conway. Sure The Rest Of Them Are Slippery Fcukers Anyway” – has been displayed on telephone poles and lamp posts since last Tuesday as Conway stands for the first time for his new Kildress Independence Movement which seeks to see Kildress stand alone as a separate county in Ulster in two years.
Local primary school teacher Grace McMinn maintains young children are mimicking the unfortunately choice of words:
“Yes, just yesterday I was teaching the children about World War II and at the end I asked the class what they knew about Adolf Hitler. A young lad from up the road put his hand up and said he was a ‘slippery fcuker’. Then I was out supervising the children at lunch time and I heard hundreds of ‘slippery fcukers’ being yelled out, even girls playing hop scotch. Conway must take these posters down now.”
Paddy Conway (48) who pledges to free Kildress by 2016 from the Tyrone jurisdiction, is adamant the posters will remain:
“Listen I tell it how it is. I’ll even go into these schools and repeat my message. Everyone knows they are a shower of slippery fcukers. Believe me, I could have said worse. Up Kildress.”
Conway went on to spell out his vision for the area:
“By 2016 we’ll be County Kildress with our own currency which might or might not be bramble bushes or blackberries. We’ll have zero tolerance for asylum seekers from Galbally or Greencastle and our army will be renowned for one of the most brutal in Europe, kicking the dung out of anyone littering or parking erratically. Up Kildress.”
Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff has denied he has responded by changing his slogan to ‘Vote For Me, Or Else…..”
Lions, Not Boars, Once Roamed Edendork
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
New Edendork St Malachy’s crest?
Channel 4’s Time Team have descended just outside Dungannon to reveal ancient animal remains which confirm that Edendork was in fact once a land roamed by a pride of lions.
Tony Robinson and the other trampy looking fella have been involved in digs on a hill behind Edendork chapel since Easter Sunday, unearthing remarkably well preserved and fully intact skeletal remains of the massive wild cats, once king of the land.
The hamlet of Edendork, which translates from Irish as “The Hill of the Boar”, is in fact as it turns out a slightly inaccurate historical representation as the newly discovered bones reveal. It was in fact carnivorous felines, rather than swine, which once held pride of place in the locality.
Local curate Father Simba Ntacubme has been delighted with the find – as long as the dig doesn’t continue south into the confines of the graveyard.
“Its totally amazing!” he exclaimed “This is exactly what this parish needs. It’s a totally new way of bringing in revenue, as the church plate has been very barren of late… I have no need for any more buttons- put it that way.”
Father Ntacubme has already printed 1000 “Totally Edendork” t-shirts and 500 “Totally Edendork” mugs which he hopes to sell to the droves of tourists expected from as far away afield as Killeeshil. The dig site is predicted to rival Powerscreen and the former Tyrone Crystal factory as the new popular attraction in the area.
Edendork Primary School’s headmaster David Attenbrie’s plan to host a ‘hands-on’ session with a live lion in the playground next week have been described as “utter recklessness” by the SELB.
The local GAA club committee are to hold an emergency meeting in the coming days to see if the club crest will be changed considering the revelation, and are reportedly seeking a six figure sponsorship sum for their senior and reserve jerseys from any Nestle chocolate bar.
Rumours that Time Team were initially actually brought in to dig for lost ‘Snowball’ prize fund monies from the Edendork Hall’s successful bingo days were rubbished by Father Ntacubme.
Pope Sneaks In Sainthood For Brian Dooher
Pope Francis sprung a surprise on Sunday after he slipped in the canonisation of Brian Dooher at the last minute towards the end of the high-profile celebration for the declaration of sainthoods for Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII.
800’000 pilgrims were left confused after the current pontiff, before wrapping up the mass, said something under his breath about a third sainthood before pretending to cough and then making a joke about Italian women.
This morning, Vatican officials finally confirmed that Francis had canonised a vet from Donemana who goes by the name of Dooher:
“Yes, Brian Dooher becomes the fastest tracked saint ever what with his plentiful miracles in the white jersey of his county. We researched this thoroughly and the point he scored against Kerry in 2008 was from the boot of a god. We normally wait for years after they’re dead but Dooher was a special case. He has been sent the certificate anyway so that’s that.”
Pope Francis was worried about the reaction to the news especially as Mother Teresa has yet to receive the honour, deciding to slip it in with a well-timed cough and outrageous joke about local female ‘pastatutes’ in the red-light districts. A Mother Teresa supporter from Poland fumed:
“It was a dirty trick alright with the fake cough. Then the joke but he’s a bit of a slagger anyway so we didn’t bat an eyelid at that. If this Dooher boy was any good then why are his club Clann na nGael in the junior division?”
Ballygawley held a vigil on Sunday night in protest at the canonisation after they revealed a petition to have Peter Canavan made a saint in 2005 was dismissed by the Vatican back then as ‘pure mad’.
Clonoe GAC Youth Policy “A Clean Disgrace”
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe cub yesterday
Damian Cassidy has been blasted by Coalisland na Fianna players and supporters as “a clean disgrace” following reports that he has placed all male children in Clonoe over the age of 2 and a half years old on a unique ‘Rahilly cubs’ strength and conditioning program.
It is further rumoured that ‘the cubs’ (as the 30 month plus young boys are known), have embarked on training programs deemed more advanced than even that of the cross-fit gymnasiums currently sweeping the nation. In photos leaked to Tyrone Tribulations, we can confirm children are being taught to perform the Snatch, Clean and Jerk Olympic style power lifts, with purpose built toy weights. Initial reports suggest that the clubhouse fitness suite is allegedly preparing for pram sized parking spaces to be painted on the tar, and boxes of pampers, dummies and babies bottles have been spotted beside the vending machine in the foyer.
One local we spoke to outside Tessie’s, who did not want to be named ‘for security reasons’, nervously indicated that the rumours may indeed be true.
“Hi, what Cassidy says, goes round these parts, hi.”
He stammered on:
“No man questions him- they just do whatever he tells them to do… Sure there’s one of the reserves who carries his own shite around in a wee lunch box with him everywhere he goes because Cassidy says it will make him faster. He was put out of Begley’s shop last week cause of the smell – and him in looking about new boots. Apparently he fairly shifted out the door alright.”
When pressed whether Mr Cassidy would consider such ground-breaking and controversial steps, our source told us:
“aye, well- you could say he’s the new Mickey Harte, but he’s from Derry, so you wouldn’t really say that,”
before darting off.
Damian Cassidy was approached for comment and, while he duly obliged, apart from the word “sir” we were unable to ascertain what he had to say. A Derry/Tyrone translator could not decipher the tapes we recorded. Mr Cassidy did, however, nod his head three times yet shook his head FOUR times over the course of his interview, which we take as a firm denial of the new youth training policy.
Omagh Architect Sacked After Designing Complete Estate On Minecraft
Acorn Grove in Omagh
Omagh Building And Construction Limited have confirmed they have sacked the first employee to join their firm since its inception five years ago.
Gary Molloy, a 23 year old Queen’s University graduate in Architectural Engineering from Tattyreagh, was handed the reins for a new flagship estate to be built in the outskirts of Omagh called Acorn Grove which was to signal the first major housing development in the country since the banking collapse.
Company CEO Johnny Ore explained their decision:
“It was a bit of a shock. At the lunchtime unveiling of the supposed hi-tech design estate which was attended by MLAs and any hobnob within a 50-mile radius, our man pulled out an Xbox and started showing us around his ‘world’ on a big screen. The penny didn’t drop until he started fighting off zombies and skeletons with bow and arrows and killing pigs and cattle for food. It was quite embarrassing. Young ones nowadays are not really getting the thick line between fact and fiction. On the plus side, the food was great. Full marks to Sallys and their corn beef sandwiches.”
A despondent Molloy remains defiant that he’ll crack the virtual market yet:
“Tyrone is just not ready for an imaginary world built out of textural cubes in a 3D developed platform. I’ll find somewhere else more open minded like Castledawson or Canada. I think the older ones were worried about the zombies and all but you can hack away at them with imaginary pickaxes or shovels and the like. It’s quite simple really and would have made a wonderful addition to the greater Omagh landscape. They’ve missed out big time.”
Molloy was given his marching orders soon after the presentation when an investigation was carried out into his CV claims of being a World Cup winning manager. The confident Tattyreagh man confirmed it was in the FIFA 14 game on the Playstation and that he’d won it with the Faroe Islands six times.
Stormont Outlaws Photo-bombing In Tyrone
Rebel Priest Photo-bombing
In a move which has been described as ‘draconian’ and ‘pure mad’, Stormont officials have moved to ban anyone from photo-bombing in county Tyrone.
Photo-bombing, the modern phenomenon of unexpectedly dropping in behind someone being photographed, has been on the rise in the county ever since mobile phones replaced Polaroid instant cameras in 2008 as the most popular camera device in homes.
A government insider informed us today:
“Photo-bombing is a throwback to the bad old days. Our many communities don’t need this and that’s why from today anyone caught photo-bombing will be gathered up in unmarked jeeps and interned indefinitely. We want these people off the streets and Tyrone is a good place to start off as there seems to be a rash of photo-bombers all over that land. Ireland says NO to photo-bombers. We might need to re-word the Good Friday Agreement just.”
Initial reports gathered from Twitter and Facebook suggests there have already been three photo-bombers arrested – in Ardboe, Galbally and Loughmacrory, sparking outrage and spontaneous bonfires in all three regions. Galbally tourism director Jill Maguire is adamant there will be resistance to the government’s latest initiative. Using a voice-warp microphone she told us:
“Them boys sitting up in Belfast are out of order. I can’t believe Martin McGuinness has sanctioned this move, and him a serial photo-bomber at football matches and christenings. We’re sending this message out loud and clear – we will not be moved. We’ll be photo-bombing like mad tonight all over the county.”
Although rumours of a continuity photo-bombing group forming in Brocagh are wide of the mark, there has been a rash of digital cameras and balaclavas bought in Dungannon, Cookstown and Omagh today in an obvious show of defiance. PSNI have drafted in 40 UN troops to help monitor the situation. A county holds its breath.
Archeological Find In Stewartstown Indicates High Technological Intelligence
Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.
Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.
One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:
Professor Jack Lyons explains:
“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “
Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:
Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:
“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”
One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:
Dromore Boy’s Birthday Ruined As Father Paints Bedroom Carrickmore Colours
Dromore Boy’s Ceiling
An 8-year-old Dromore GAA fanatic’s birthday was officially ‘his worst ever’ after his father’s surprise bedroom makeover ended in tears and accusations of deliberate tampering.
Kieran McCullagh, who plays under 10 for the club and never misses a match at all levels, was told to go to his room after the cake as there was a great surprise in there for him. His uncle, Kevin, described the scene:
“You could hear the screams. Young Kieran’s parents aren’t really into the football and trusted the painter to get the right paint for the job. Unfortunately, the painter was a Carrickmore man by the name of McGarrity who is now claiming Mr and Mrs McCullagh asked him for a bedroom of football colours, not specifically Dromore. The whole room is green, white and orange – not his beloved Dromore blue and white. A catastrophe.”
Jack McCullagh is adamant he told the painter to decorate it in Dromore GAA colours:
“I definitely told him Dromore. This is a handlin and a half. I tried to tell our Kieran sure it’s the Ireland colours and he cried even harder as that made no sense at all with pictures of Conor Gormley and Oz McCallan all over the show. And a big Carrickmore crest. McGarrity is accepting no refunds. He’s done this on purpose but according to my son I’ve made a balls of this.”
Investigations are suggesting that McGarrity has a history of this with stories leaking about deliberate sabotage across the country. A Tattyreagh mother claims he once decorated her daughter’s bedroom with Cliff Richard wallpaper after she had instructed him to modernise it with some singers from the XFactor or something like that.
“He’s a bollocks,” she told us.
Trillick ‘Antiques Roadshow’ Episode Cancelled Due To ‘Excessive Amounts Of Junk’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The BBC confirmed this morning that they have decided not air an episode of Antiques Roadshow due to the ‘staggering amounts of garbage’ that people produced.
Producers of the show, which was based on a field just outside Trillick, were said to have become exasperated at some of the articles presented by locals for valuation, which included: a half-used tube of Peter Canavan’s hair gel from 1982; a digital clock that the owner insisted was from the Tudor period; a Tyrone GAA air freshener; a parking ticket issued in Coalisland High Street, believed to the only one of its kind in existence.
Presenter Fiona Bruce was reported to have said,
“I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful to the wonderful people of Tyrone, but the stuff they brought in was shit. It was like some of them had just rummaged around in the back of the cupboard to see what they could find just so they could get on the BBC.”
This was hotly disputed by local organiser Terence Kerr, who fumed,
“How dare she accuse us of that sort of behaviour just to get on telly? It might be junk to them but it’s priceless to us. I myself have a genuine St Brigid’s cross made by none other St Patrick himself when he was passing through Carnteel in the sixth century, one of only four originals he made. Of course it’s of enormous sentimental value to me and I would never even think of parting with it. Not for less than twenty quid at any rate”.
Another attendee, 54-year old Bernie Duggan from Annaghmore, argued,
“To be honest, I just had a wee rummage in the back of the cupboard to see what I could find, so’s I could maybe get on the TV. And to my surprise I discovered what I’m sure is an un-released recording of Hugo Duncan doing a cover version of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ when he was letting his hair down one night in Kelly’s Bar in 1978. I’ve no idea how it got there, but it’s got to be worth a few quid”.
The show was abandoned after five hours, when the most expensive item valued was a packet of Opal Fruits, circa 1982, still in its original wrapping, which was valued at 50 pence.
Slimline Darren Clarke To Shorten His Name To A Symbol; Others To Follow Suit
Darren Clarke
Major winner Darren Clarke from Dungannon, who has shed pounds through a gruelling fitness programme, is reportedly about to slim his name as well, following in the footsteps of American singer Prince who adopted a symbol in the 90s. Reports tonight within the county suggest that many local stars may also follow suit including footballer Peter Canavan, singer Hugo Duncan and snooker player Dennis Taylor.
A golfing insider, who may or may not have met the golfing giant, insists he will choose a circle with a pile of lines around it and a plus sign. Johnny Ray added:
“Yes, he will probably adopt the symbol soon, reflecting his new look. It’s sort of hard to pronounce but it’s sort of like Gnnrrrhhh. To be honest I haven’t spoken to Darren about this but there’s a chance this is true. It could mark an Indian Summer for the great man, despite the difficulty the first tee announcers will have saying Gnnrrrhhh.”
Reports from Ballygawley suggest that Peter Canavan is watching closely how all this pans out and already has a sign made for his switch from a normal name to a symbol. GAA expert Donal McAnulty admitted:
The Footballer Formally Known As Peter Canavan
“I have been heavily involved in this process. If all goes well with Darren, Peter Canavan’s new name will be a bemused baldy man symbol. Word people say it’s pronounced Verrrrmm. I have it on good authority that if this goes ahead he will refuse to answer anyone who calls him Peter.”
Hugo Duncan will soon announce that a cream bun will be his new name whilst Dennis Taylor will adopt a piece of turf in place of his baptismal name.
Meanwhile Prince, who now uses his original name, has warned against these proposed changes, claiming it was awkward on the phone when people would ask for him using his one-time symbol which was completely silent when translated.
“I was on the bucking phone for ages asking who they were looking to speak to. Sometimes up to four hours.”
‘Crimea River’ Says Coalisland Mayor Over Communist Link
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Red Handers Out East
In a move that United States Congress are treating as ‘hostile’, Mayor of Coalisland Mickey ‘Shagger’ Lambe has sent a sobering message to Western forces that they can “cry me a river” over the mounting tensions in the Ukraine and insisting they should “stay out of it, and stick til worryin’ about Coca Cola an big Macs”.
Lambe maintained that Tyrone men have been “out and about, gettin’ on tara well with the oul communists over thundar” since before the second world war.
“East Tyrone and Eastern Bloc. Sure why do you think there is a canal in the ‘Island?” he quipped, “And don’t give me any of that Corn Mill shite…”
Mr Lambe shockingly revealed that his grandfather, Marty ‘Docket’ Lambe *, has original engineers’ survey data and the blue prints of the modern canal which runs from Coalisland to nearby lough Neagh.
‘Docket’* is said to have travelled most of modern day Moscow, Georgia, and Serbia, where he chaired several meetings with senior communists who were promising copious amounts of Eastern oil and vodka, in return for local Coalisland household coal and O Neills sportswear, all to be transported via the canal.
In a contact valid to this day, Coalisland still receives an undisclosed amount of cheap vodka and home heating oil despite not having sent any coal out since 1953, with the last Tyrone Jersey leaving for Georgia in early 2008. This week’s revelation is being blamed for the increased police and diesel dippers presence in the town recently.
‘Shagger’ Lambe reminded the West:
“If America thinks its gonna feck this up for us, they have annarr thing coming till them. I’ll go over there and challenge Obama the very best” he said, adding finally “shut thon gate after yez, that bull’s a randy hoor.”
* Lambe’s grandfather Marty ‘Docket’, famed for scoring three penalties in the closing stages of the ’38 minor final for Na Fianna, was controversially embroiled in and then later cleared of Tyrone’s first ever match fixing scandal. He was accused of being in cahoots with the Derrylaughan keeper ‘Tiddley’ Donnolly, who blames leaving his glasses in the changing rooms at half time for the late hat trick of concessions to his net. ‘Docket’ remains the only Tyrone man to win the Vladivar senior ‘Player of the Year’ 7 times, despite only ever playing 6 seasons of football in the blue and white.
Tyrone Tribulations 