Windmill GFC Offer Moyes A Quick Return To Management
Made for Windmill
East Tyrone was hiving with journalists this morning after it emerged that the newly re-formed Windmill GFC, who previously terrorised the Tyrone football scene, are considering offering David Moyes the vacant managerial position with immediate effect.
Moyes, who was this morning sacked by Manchester United, is said to be ‘considering his options’ and has been trying to find Windmill on Google Maps. An attractive package is being mulled over at the clubrooms in order to attract the Scot with an unlimited supply of jellied eels hopefully tipping the scales in their favour. Chairman Vinny ‘cut throat’ Dawson admitted:
“We’re very excited with the deal we’re proposing. As well as the eel situation, we are scouring the lough shore for old barns and sheds that we can do up and give Moyes that realistic rustic feeling of old Ireland that Americans pay millions for. As we speak there’s a shed above Moortown that fits the bill as soon as we can relocate the wild livestock. Moyes is the sort of boy we’ve been after. Ginger, fierce temper and a disregard for dental hygiene. He’ll fit right in here.”
Moyes’ PR woman has already touched down in Belfast and was quick to fan the flames of current rumours:
“David is a real eel man. He’s always making jokes about eels like ‘It’s a eely nice day today’ and all that type of stuff. In fact, he’s mad about them. Also he thinks Windmill also sounds romantic, like Niagara Falls or Ayers Rock. Paradise even. I think he visualises rolling glens with windmills twirling gently on hilltops and fair maidens dancing gaily in frocks with buckets of fresh milk draped across their shoulders. I’m heading that direction now to confirm his fantasies. I’ll be taking in Ardboe, Brocagh, Carnan and Ballinderry too.”
Meanwhile, Windmill are hoping to secure the services of Mickey Coleman to sing ‘The Old Cross of Ardboe’ and ‘Stop Yer Ticklin Jock’ before his unveiling.
Brocagh Woman Admitted To Hospital; Can’t Stop Making Sandwiches
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Brocagh woman spent last night in Dungannon hospital after a marked increase in her addiction to making sandwiches for anyone passing within shouting distance of her house.
Authorities were called to 62-year old Deirdre McFarland’s house in Mountjoy Road after a visiting neighbour, 58 year old Aileen Hughes, was plied with so many sandwiches that she herself was rushed to hospital with a suspected ruptured stomach.
Medical experts are concerned that the condition may be a genetic affliction and could in fact affect many women in Tyrone, particularly older women.
“That’s right”, confirmed hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “People should look out for the warning signs. Constantly making people cups of tea is usually the first stage, then it’s the sandwiches, and before you know it, it’s like a full-blown episode of Father Ted”.
Neighbours admitted that they suspected McFarland’s addiction for some time.
“Aye, she’s afeared of being thought of as tight, so she goes over the top. I saw the oil delivery man go in last week and five minutes later heard Deirdre shouting, ‘Go on, horse it into ya, Cynthia’ at the top of her voice”.
Worse was to come for the unsuspecting oil man, as 31-year old Seamie McNamara from Granville explained:
“She offered me a sandwich when I went to get the cheque, so I insisted on just having a cup of tay in ma haun, but lo and behold five minutes later out came this big clatter of ham and tomato sarnies. I wouldn’t have minded but I was only five minutes out of Cabragh Filling Station so I’d already had a mighty feed. I didn’t want to offend her so I tried my best to get four or five of them down me, just to show willing like. I thought I had done my bit, but then did she not go into the kitchen and come out with more. She thought I was bloody starving. I didn’t think it through. There must have been about a pint of salad cream in them cheese sandwiches. Tara. I near passed out. There’s only so much wheaten and Kerrygold a man can take”.
Reports this morning confirmed that McFarland’s postman had previously made a formal complaint after his weight ballooned by three stone in as many months after succumbing to her hospitality.
Moy Hunter Nearly Takes Head Clean Off Easter Bunny
McKeown, concerned
The head of the Moy Riflers Association (MRA), Harry Mackle, has initiated an investigation into an incident described as “an inch away from an Easter Day Massacre”.
The almost-tragic accident occurred at 3am this morning on the Benburb Road whilst members of the MRA were out hunting for bears or wolves as they do once a month. Unbeknownst to Mackle and co, Pat McKeown had at the same time donned an Easter bunny costume and was leaving a trail of chocolate eggs from his wife’s bed to a secluded spot near the Moy football field.
McKeown added:
“I’d been planning this for weeks. It’s our 10th wedding anniversary and I was hoping she’d wake up at 4am and see the trail, follow it down the road and find me here in my Bunny costume where I’d serenade her with my bugle, probably some Nathan Carter number. It was all going to plan. Well, until three bullets whizzed past by ear.”
Mackle, who wasn’t out hunting bears that night, feels sympathy for his riflers and maintains he’d do the same in that position:
“You need to realise, we’re primed for expecting bears and wolves. We’re killing machines. Since we set up nine years ago, not a shot has been fired in anger as there doesn’t appear to be many bears left in Ireland. But, we’re always cocked and if you see this big bunny in front of you with a bugle in his hand, it’d be hard not to blow the head clean off it.”
Luckily, one of the riflers recognised McKeown’s bugle and an apology was made. All made it back for a moonlit drinking session in an illegal shebeen in the village.
Meanwhile, McKeown has reported his wife as ‘missing’.
Tyrone County Board To ‘3D print’ Ricey For Championship
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.
Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.
Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:
“ach aye… no doubt!”
whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.
“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”
Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.
It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.
More People On Mobility Scooters Than Not In Cookstown
Jack Sheehy Out Shopping
Cookstown has become a ‘nightmare’ for pedestrians and motorists alike after it emerged that there are more residents on mobility scooters than those walking about on two feet. Of the 11’000 population in the district, 6000 were on the scooters ranging from ages 3-103 including an entire teaching staff at a local school.
Cynics have pointed out that the DLA culture in the town has become so endemic that people were prepared to give up their ability to walk for the majority of the day in order to claim the £56.75 per week tax-free benefit. Jack Sheehy, who won the 2009 disco-dancing competition in the Greenvale before succumbing to a mysterious ‘sore legs’ syndrome, denies the accusations:
“People should walk in my shoes before they make a judgement. Or you know what I mean. One minute I was an unemployed dancing extraordinaire, the next I’ve deadly sore legs and on a scooter. It’s hard for me to you know. There be times when a good song comes on and I instinctively get up to dance and fall over after three minutes or so when I remember my legs are deadly sore.”
Trouser stall owner Imran Kant admits it’s almost impossible to hold the town market now on a Saturday.
“It’s like an attack of the mobility scooterers. At 9am you can hear the whirl of the wheels from all around and before long there are 3000+ Cookstonians smashing into each other on their way for the bargains. It’s a savage sight. You end up spending more time lifting up overturned scooters in the rush to get a pair of £8 jeans.”
Doubts over the legitimacy of some of the claims have been magnified after a picture was released on Twitter showing souped-up scooters being raced down the main street at four in the morning, cheered on by other recipients of the DLA allowance, jumping up and down when bets came up.
Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People
A Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.
The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.
Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.
“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”
Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:
“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”
Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.
Tyrone Man Making Millions From Diesel-Scented Perfume ‘Juice’
Drives Men Mad
A Cabragh entrepreneur has struck it rich after his range of women’s perfumes have sent mens’ pulses racing across rural parts of Ireland since its release last weekend. The product, named ‘Juice’, has rocketed off the shelves in locations such as Keady, Granard, Clonmel, Westport, Lisnaskea, Crossmaglen and Trillick, clocking up 20’000 sales in under two days.
Paddy Rea, who appeared on Dragon’s Den last year but was unsuccessful in convincing millionaires to invest in his idea for a spade-come-shovel called a ‘spovel’, has already splashed out on Easter clothes and a new set of duvets for the house. The ex log-chopper also expressed a desire to expand his product worldwide and make burger-flavoured perfume in America and computer-scented cologne in Japan.
“For years I knew that women who smelt of oil and petrol sent men weak at the knees around these parts. I used to court a girl from Galbally and she’d be up to her eyeballs in fully synthetic car-lube. I had a hard time keeping her and eventually lost her to a farmer from Fintona who owned 12 acres. This is a logical next step. There are plenty of women out there wondering what the missing ingredient is when it comes to holding on to a much sought after Tyrone man. Now I have the answer.”
Rea admits he is surprised at the national appeal of his product but promises to stay true to his roots and build his factory near Dungannon:
“The women in South Armagh are drowning in this product. It’s amazing. Men can hardly work for running after women. I heard that Crossmaglen Rangers have urged their female supporters to wear ordinary perfume to games as it was distracting their players. Unfortunately more urban teams from the likes of Omagh and Cookstown are paying their women to wear it so it sends their country opponents crazy. I don’t mind either way. More dough for my office on the Dungannon Road.”
‘Juice‘ is on sale in most reputable supermarkets, starting at £19.99.
‘Milk In First’ Report On Tea-Making Sparks Outrage Across County
Re-enactment of tea pouring
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Disturbances broke out across parts of Tyrone yesterday after a report produced by the Institute of Studies said that putting milk into the cup before the tea makes it taste better.
The report, authored by Tyrone-born professor of science Wolfgang O’Neill, has stated that putting milk into the cup first, rather than tea followed by the milk, makes it tastier, and, controversially, that those individuals who put it in first are more likely to be much cleverer than those who don’t. The report went on to hypothesise that people who insist on dunking biscuits into their tea are also far more intellectually advanced than their non-dunking counterparts, stating,
‘Dunkers, previously dismissed as a bunch of uncouth, ill-mannered hoors, may actually be high-functioning geniuses with highly advanced mental faculties, with an IQ far higher even than people like Stephen Fry, that boyo who does Mastermind, and Hugo Duncan’.
O’Neill denied that the report was produced on the back of a bunch of unsubstantiated half-truths with virtually no substance.
“Abject nonsense. All my research was done under almost laboratory conditions. I watched people pour their tay in the Millwheel in Dungannon and McGlinchey’s in Coalisland, and then asked them their 7-times table and if they knew what the capital of France was. The dunkers and milk-in-first brigade were miles ahead”.
Residents living in the centre of Dungannon feared for their safety when a contingent of mildly-irritated pensioners took to the streets to protest against the findings in the report, with one shop-owner being threatened with a Blue Riband biscuit. Cyril McGlone from Altmore, determined not to be stereotyped as just another pensioner trotting out the usual generalisations, said,
“This sort of thing would never have happened in my day. It’s political correctness gone mad. Everything in moderation, that’s what I say. Young people of today have no respect. I’m 84 you know”.
O’Neill had also intended to include in his report a potential link between acting the eejit and coffee-drinkers, but struggled to find participants for the study.
“We couldn’t find anyone in the county who drank coffee, not even in Donaghmore. That’s why there’s none of thon fancy Starbucks or Costa Coffee shops anywhere. I even went into the Linen Green in Dungannon to see if they sold it and they said, ‘We don’t do cocktails’. It’s likely we might have to go as far afield as Armagh to find someone who drinks it. However”, said the scientist confidently, “Preliminary reports indicate that coffee drinkers are likely to be sly, distrustful, and have eyes that are too close together. Fact”.
Tyrone Priests Urged To Put On Variety Acts During Sunday Masses
Priests raring to go
Following the worldwide acclaim for the singing priest at a wedding in County Meath, priests across Tyrone have been told to up their game and capitalize on the feel-good factor directed towards the Catholic Church since the video went viral.
Reports emerging this morning suggests parishioners are to expect fireworks in some parts of the county with rumours of juggling, tightrope balancing and dog-tricks rife, especially around the Loughmacrory area.
A Kildress grave-digger and church groundsman has promised a spectacular show for the parish, having witnessed midnight practice sessions whilst digging graves for possible future bereavements. Paddy McNally (55) added:
“It’s going to be some craic and fair play to the clergy in Kildress. I don’t want to say too much and spoil the occasion but the four priest in the area are going to put on a memorable show. One is dressed as a Native American Indian, one as a policeman, one as a builder and the last is a cowboy. They’re singing something about the Young Men’s Christian Association although luckily they have shortened it to YMCA and do these mad arm movements. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
In Moortown, Fr Graham has been reportedly spotted balancing on a unicycle in his spare time whilst juggling chalices and candles. This has hurled pressure on the Ardboe clergy to rethink their idea of simply reading Mass in a funny voice.
“Yes, as soon as we heard about Graham on the unicycle, we went back to the drawing board. I’m not at liberty to say how we’ll outperform the Moortown ones but let’s just say it involves face paint, blue pipe, a bull and ten bottles of stout. It’ll be deadly, I guarantee that much. All in the name of our Lord.”
The Vatican are monitoring proceedings closely.
Tyrone SF Politician Pointed At Stuff In Windsor Castle to Save Taxpayers’ Money On Interpreter
McEldruff in London
Barney McEldruff, a minor Sinn Fein politician who was invited to Windsor Castle as part of the Irish President’s visit to London, was hailed as a financial do-gooder after he refused the use of an interpreter during the dinner and simply pointed at things he wanted.
London officials had expressed concern earlier in the week that the presence of someone from Carrickmore would cost taxpayers millions due to the astronomical costs of interpreters in the city. Sinn Fein were also aware of the adverse publicity such a move would create and had tried to put off McEldruff by warning him about the floods over there and the amount of pickpocketers there might be prowling around England.
Undettered, the novice politician was adamant he would attend the function as his name came out of the hat during the half time draw at the recent Ard Fheis.
“I know the Carrickmore accent can be wild hard to comprehend, especially outside of Pomeroy, but I was confident I could point at things I wanted during the dinner, like. And so it panned out. I successfully pointed at the soup, spuds, lamb, peas and lemon pie. No bother like.”
McEldruff admitted there were a few awkward moments as the night progressed:
“Yes, well the pints were flying and ordering those was easy. I just did the pint-down-neck gesture. However I was bursting for the toilet. I was shouting ‘bogs’ but the butlers and maids couldn’t understand. So I pulled down my cacks and took the boyo out and pointed to it. Next thing I was being thrown out of the castle by two burly guards. I gave that queen’s daffodils some watering though.”
The Carrickmore man concluded that London wasn’t ‘all that deadly‘ and that they ‘hardly knew anything about diesel and stuff‘.
Brackaville Jerseys Outlawed In Coalisland
New Brackaville-Free Campaign Poster
Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.
The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.
The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:
“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”
Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:
“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”
Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:
“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”
Hunky Dorys Unlikely To Be Replaced As GAA Tyrone Sponsor By Urney ‘Cheesy Peas’ Chip Shop
Primary School Artist’s Impression
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
It was revealed yesterday that the two-year sponsorship deal between current sponsor Hunky Dorys and Tyrone GAA football is unlikely come to an end following a bold offer from local Urney chip shop owner, Pearse Donnelly.
In front of disbelieving county journalists at a hastily-convened press conference in Omagh, a proud Donnelly said,
“‘Pearse’s Cheesy Peas’ is one of the biggest chip shop businesses in upper north-west Tyrone”, he said, “But I’m ambitious and it’s time to take on the world. I want a ‘Cheesy Peas’ in every town and village within a 3-mile radius of Urney by 2018. That’s right lads, you heard me. We’re going all the way to Clady”.
Donnelly was at pains to point out the range of products available in his chip shop, and in particular his ‘Cheesy Peas’ speciality.
“Them Cheesy Peas is world famous. They’ve even got onto the television a couple of months ago. They’re perfect for the lads”. He explained, “Them boys need fattening up. It’s fine giving them a lock of crisps, but that doesn’t keep them warm, does it? I saw Ciaran McGinley training up at Garvaghey the other week and the lad was foundered, you could tell. His legs were blue. He needs a big feed in him. And a slap of my Cheesy Peas could sort him out no bother. My passion for Cheesy Peas is mirrored in the management and team’s passion for the GAA in Tyrone. We’re a perfect match. In the meantime me and the family are switching to Tayto. That’ll put the wind right up whoever owns Hunky Dorys”.
Critics have pointed out that the peas are of the processed variety, and that the cheese isn’t cheese at all, but from a Latvian-based manufacturer of a substance which translates as, ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cheese, Dairy, Or Killed Someone By Now’.
“Listen, luminous orange cheese is neither here nor there”, said Donnelly. “That’s the natural colour of cheddar. You learn that when you’re in the business. My customers aren’t complaining. You should see my shop on a Friday after midnight. People are fighting over Cheesy Peas. When you see grown men hoofing each other in the groin just to get to a portion of the stuff, you know you’re onto a winner”.
The deal between Hunky Dorys and the club was signed in 2012 for a two-year period for an undisclosed sum, but considered to be six-figures.
“Six-figure deal?” snorted Donnelly. “So what? I’m offering a seven-figure deal. £700 a year for three years. That’s got a seven in it. And don’t forget I’m offering unlimited cheesy peas to every player and a 25% discount for their families and all club officials. Beat that, Hunky Dorys”.
Donnelly denied that the TV appearance he referred to was an episode of ‘Watchdog’, when three people were taken to hospital with gastro-enteritis in February after having consumed extra-large portions of Cheesy Peas.
Neither Hunky Dorys or Tyrone GAA were available for comment.
Clonoe’s ‘Talk To Your Animal’ Session Turns Sour
Clonoe man and dog discuss religion
The ‘Learn To Talk To Your Animals’ workshop at Clonoe Community Centre last night ended in chaos after many animals spoke back, criticising the standards of farming and general pet ownership. Rows erupted between man and beast as the PSNI arrived to control the chaotic scenes which included a savage brawl between a goat and a man from Derrylaughan.
Spiritual councillor Patricia McCabe admitted it was unlikely she’d attempt this session in the area again, which was initially meant to teach locals about animal communication by quietening the mind and focussing on your senses allowing you to listen more clearly to animals.
“Turned out the animals listened too well. There was a boy from Stewartstown who brought in a flock of sheep. After he spoke to them using my techniques, they rounded on him and called him (using sheep talk) ‘a lazy fat b***ard’ and ‘a drunken good for nothing wino”. It was when the fighting started that I realised my powers were deadly. A horse headbutted his owner from Cabragh after telling him the hay he fed her every day was covered in dung.”
Local dog owner and part-time magician, John McCabe, rued the day he set foot in the workshop:
“I wish I’d never listened to that woman. Now I can hear everything that mutt of mine is saying. Sure just this morning he jumped on my bed and started going on about the state of the room and saying oul dirty things about local women and all. Every bark is a complaint about something. It’s doing my head in. I’m going to another councillor to see if she can undo the animal-listening process.”
The PSNI admitted they were monitoring the situation and revealed their resources were stretched across Clonoe as farmers all over the parish spend most of the night out in their fields arguing with cattle, with skirmishes breaking out in Annaghmore, Derrytresk and Aughamullen.
Tensions Grow As Herd Of Cows Annexes March Ditch in Brocagh
Bovine Slapping Session
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Residents of a field in Brocagh were in uproar last night following news that a herd of Fresian cows has controversially annexed the march ditch between its own field and a neighbouring field, halfway along the Ballybeg Road.
Tension has been growing in recent weeks between different factions in the area, and in particular between two herds of cows, one Fresian, one Limousin. The situation worsened last Tuesday following the hostile entry into the ditch by three young Fresian calves which escalated further still as they aggressively dunged the ditch to claim it as their own.
The Fresians insisted that prior to the annexation they had conducted a democratic vote for the residents of the ditch, although this was hotly disputed by many.
Roger Parsley, a rabbit from near the end of the march ditch, insisted that the ballot results had been illegally doctored by the Fresians.
“It’s a feckin’ disgrace. How were we even supposed to tick the ballot papers? We’re not fit to. We haven’t even got an opposable thumb to hold the pen with. The whole thing was rigged. Is that a piece of lettuce?”
Parsley also claimed that ethnic cleansing was taking place, and that the Fresians had employed a team of foxes to displace dozens of families.
“Last night me and the missus were, well, a bit busy like. We’re rabbits, understand? I’m not going to spell it out. Anyway, a whole lock of foxes went past the burrow making all sorts of threats, dropping hints about what might happen if we didn’t move out, asking if we had ever watched ‘Fatal Attraction’ and suchlike”.
The United Nations have since appointed a special peacekeeping envoy in the form of a 4-year old tawny owl called Henry, which itself became embroiled in controversy after two families of dormice living near the ditch disappeared, which the owl guiltily dismissed as ‘probably just being a coincidence’.
The Limousins in the other field have since imposed sanctions by refusing the Fresians access to the big bath full of rainwater at the side of their field.
Meanwhile, a statement was released at the weekend by the three Fresian calves who took control of the march ditch which said that they ‘were only following orders’.
Clock Change Still Causing Mayhem Across County
Farmers – stealing hours?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The bi-annual change of clocks brought havoc throughout Tyrone once again, amidst mass confusion as well as some confrontational scenes.
Following news on Sunday that a local bookmaker was caught out after forgetting to change his clock, many residents, furious at having an hour taken away from them, vented their anger at farmers, who they blame for the twice-yearly clock change. Three people staged a mildly-irate protest outside a farm in Cloughfin, with banners saying ‘It’s Our Hour – Leave It The Feck Alone’, and, ‘You Can Take Our Sleep But You’ll Never Take Our Freedom’.
Demonstrator Claire Doherty from Dregish, said,
“Who do thon farmers think they are taking an hour off everyone? Them with their farming ways, tootling along in their tractors all deliberate-like, just to annoy other road users. If it’s an extra hour in the daylight they want why can’t they just change their own buckin’ clocks?”
The farmer in question, 62-year old Kieran Gormley,told us:
“It’s got bog-all to do with me. Why would I want to lose an hour? I like my bed as much as anyone else. Or did we gain an hour? I always forget. What time is it anyway? If I’ve missed Bargain Hunt I’ll go off the bap. I’ve only just got the clocks all up to date from the last change. Some handlin”.
Technology has particularly given problems across the county, with one man from Drummurrer locking himself in his bedroom for sixteen hours with a baseball bat after believing a very meticulous, time-conscious burglar had broken into his house and changed the clock on his television and mobile phone, when in fact they had automatically updated themselves.
A family of seven from the Washingbay had their own problems.
“It was tara”, said mother-of-five Teresa McKernon. “All of us changed the big clock in the kitchen without realising everyone else had done the same thing, so we all went to to bed at 3 o’clock in the afternoon thinking it was 10pm. Thinking about it, the day did fly by. We were making our supper when we were still half-way through our chicken dinner. My husband was putting his pyjamas when he was eating his sherry trifle”.
A man from Gortin, 37-year old Sandy McMaster, also got caught out by the change.
“There’s was something last night on ITV+1 I wanted to see but I hadn’t got round to changing the clocks. I didn’t know whether to turn it on at the right time, the hour before, or the hour after. My head nearly exploded trying to work it out. Damn farmers”.
Giro d’Italia Cyclist Receives Coalisland’s First Parking Ticket
An exemplary parked bike in Coalisland
An Italian cyclist, who arrived in Ireland this week to attempt a dry run of the Irish leg of Giro d’Italia later in the year, became the unlucky recipient of Coalisland’s first parking ticket during a shopping trip in the town today.
Giovanni Sherri (28) was told by the warden that his bike was badly parked up against a wall outside Dorman’s Pharmacy and was issued with a £60 on the spot fine as well as a verbal warning about future conduct by warden Joe Quinn from the town himself.
Bystander and local man Kieran Corr (64) saw the whole incident pan out:
“I had just been saying to myself that the bike was badly parked. It had only the handlebar against the wall, instead of both wheels and the seat too. It was an accident waiting to happen. Thank God that traffic warden appeared out of nowhere and saved the day. We in Coalisland pride ourselves on our perfect parking tradition. How would he like it if we went to Italy and made spaghetti out of bits of string? Local customs must be upheld.”
Corr refuted suggestions that a spoof warden was used to get the media off their backs due to their suspiciously clear record. There were also reports of the warden Quinn buying a round of drinks in O’Neill’s later:
“Nonsense. OK, he was a local lad but he has an official yellow jacket, clipboard and ticket book. “
Meanwhile, Sherri admitted he enjoyed his time touring Tyrone and especially liked Stewartstown, describing it as ‘like something from 100 years ago’.
“I even met my far out relatives, the original McSherrys, who emigrated to Italy in the 1600s because they liked ice cream, meatballs, the mafia and fighting lions.”
He later admitted he wouldn’t be back.
Tyrone Man Builds Special RTE Studio For Re-Enactments Of Sky GAA Games
How it might look
A Pomeroy technician revealed he has been commissioned to build a new studio at RTE for Brolly, Spillane, Lyster and O’Rourke to re-enact key moments in games which are being shown exclusively live on Sky TV. The GAA announced earlier this week that 14 matches will be shown on Sky Sports. These consist of eight Saturday evening matches in the All-Ireland qualifiers, two All-Ireland football championship quarter-finals, and two Saturday evening and two Sunday provincial championship games.
However, Leo Devlin, who built a hen house for one of RTE’s senior producers in 2011, has been asked to construct a makeshift studio which will see the Sunday Game quartet act out vital plays from these Sky matches for RTE viewers such as goals, points, blocks and shoulders to compliment their commentary.
“I was told that people might get bored of watching Spillane and co just sitting there watching a match, telling us what is happening. What is proposed is that, say for example Meath is playing Tyrone, O’Rourke will turn up in his Meath gear, Brolly in a Tyrone top and shorts, Spillane will dress as a referee and Lyster can be the umpire or something. They will re-enact key scenes from the game so that viewers can almost visualize the match if they cannot afford Sky or work that remote controller they have. It’ll be some craic with them boys, especially if it’s a sending off for a decapitation or a kick in the balls.”
RTE have refused to confirm the existence of the new studio but admitted it’ll be hard for their viewers to stick looking at Brolly’s facial gurns and general slouching:
“We do need to offer something different. We did a dry run and O’Rourke never moved a muscle for two hours. He made a 3-15 to 4-18 game sound like a 0-0. They’ll be turning over to reruns of The High Chaparral on TG4 in their droves unless we spice it up a bit.”
Devlin also confirmed that a Drummurrer man has been granted permission to fit a new stove in the studio.
Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.
We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;
20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims are forced to make do with an electricity pylon in Urney and Eurospar, Omagh.
19. Cranagh: The village adjudged by National Geographic Magazine as ‘the furthest you can go out of the way before you start coming out the other side’.
18. Paul Brady: The curly, surly ginger, singer/songwriter and professional ‘Bosco’ impersonator who brought us the classic refrain;
I wanna take you to Coalisland
And count the off-licences per man
And in the evening when the sun goes down
We’d rip the ATM from the local filling station
17. Making Pat Spillane Puke: A classic reversal of the normal pattern of Pat Spillane making everyone else hurl their fadge.
16. The Place Name ‘Sandholes’: Deriving from the Old French ‘Sans Houlles’, meaning ‘Without Arse”, the area is credited as the home of the design of cheap supermarket denim which reduces ‘buttock protrusion’ in male wearers over 35 years of age.
15. Splash: The popular Saturday night, light entertainment programme where fading celebrities imitate their own careers by falling unceremoniously from a great height without being touched in an attempt to garner advantage which is scarcely deserved. The format is based on the career of Brian Dooher. (Apart from the great height bit obviously)
14. The Carnteel Road: By an amazing freak of geography, motorists travelling directly from Aughnacloy to Dungannon will pass the end of the Carnteel Road on no less than 14 occasions.
13. The Place Name ‘Orritor’: For the sheer joy of positioning a district which sounds like a body cavity in close proximity to another called ‘Sandholes’.
12. Sir James Cricket: A comedian who has sustained a 40 year career with an act based entirely on a humorous tea-towel which my mother brought back from Westport in 1972. Don’t come here.
11. Benburb Sunday: A day where children up to the age of 12 were rounded up by monks and made to pay to slide down a hill on a carpet of rough hardboard resulting in semi-permanent scarring of skin tissue on the thigh and elbow.
10. Dennis Taylor’s Wiggly Index Finger: Widely regarded as being amongst the finest of the gargantuan-spectacle wearing ball potter’s eleven fingers.
9. Penfold from Dangermouse: No list would be complete without the pint-sized, sidekick, cartoon-moaner and his hilarious catchphrase; “Carrickmore Gaelic Fudball Club”.
8. The Amazing Disappearing Letters ‘T’& ‘W’: Used to such wonderful effect in the pronunciation of places such as ‘Cookson” ‘Stewarson’ and ‘Twincamton’.
7. Eugene McMenamin’s Unfeasibly Black Eyebrows: The Strabane based MLA holds the distinction of having been balancing two ‘Granny Grey Beard’ caterpillars on his forehead since 1984.
6. The Red Hand of Ulster: Yeah, thanks a bunch for that!
5. The Carland Bypass: The wonderful decision to remove the one corner which broke the utter monotony of driving between Cookstown and Dungannon.
4. Eponymously Titled Products which are now Defunct: Tyrone Brick, Tyrone Crystal, Tyrone Power, Tyrone Moderate Alcohol Consumers.
3. Consilio et Prudentia: Although also the names of two Late (possibly ex) (possibly Latex) Nuns from Loretto convent in Omagh, this is actually the irony valve straining motto of the county translating as…wait for it…no I’m serious….”Wisdom & Prudence”.
2. The Untimely Demise of Tyrone Tom’s Red Shorts: The ill-thought out decision to use the Greencastle man’s iconic shorts as an agreed alternative to the Union flag on Belfast City Hall.
And of course topping the list
1. Ballyronan
Dungannon Bookmaker Fleeced After Forgetting About The Hour Forward
Toan’s on a normal day
An absent-minded Dungannon bookmaker lost an estimated £30’000 after forgetting to put his clock forward this morning. Toan’s admitted they were caught out badly but have vowed to make up for it by laying on bets for anything going including two men running up a road.
Punters in the town were made aware of the error after early riser and chronic gambler Kieran McGahey put a bet on a race in Australia having realised Toan’s clocks were all wrong. In addition to this, due to essential maintenance work all TVs were down. Already knowing the result, he claimed a 1-2-3 forecast and pocketed himself £250 in the process. Before long, the premises were heaving with hopeful punters. Mary Corr (71) explained:
“I hadn’t set foot in a bookies in my life. I went straight from Mass to Toan’s when I got the text from one of the altar boys during the Homily to say the bookies were on the wrong time. There must’ve been 200 people squeezed into Toan’s, all putting money on Shakalakaboomboom to win the 12:30 in Melbourne, even though it was already 1:30. I can’t believe Toan himself didn’t cop on. I think he was still stocious from the Abba Tribute concert the night before.”
The penny finally dropped with Toan after 450 people phoned in to bet on an unknown footballer named Dale Carrick to score the first goal in the Hearts v Hibs Scottish league game.
“I should have known. When I saw Mary Corr in her best frock and feathered hat in the shop scribbling away on a docket I should have copped on. Even the priest himself phoned in about Dale Carrick scoring first, which he did after a few minutes of the game. I had to pay him £4000. Those bloody clocks. I still had Mamma Mia ringing around my head this morning to think straight.”
Toan has promised to recoup the money by setting up a series of bets on things like the colour of the next car to pass the shop or the woman with the biggest feet on Scotch Street etc.
Undercover Reporter Reveals Secret GAA Refereeing Ring
Referees laughing their heads off
A high-profile undercover investigator has shattered an underground refereeing ring in Strabane where up to 30 Tyrone referees meet up weekly and laugh at some of the decisions they made and are going to make the following weekend. Joe Wheeler, the Welsh freelance TV reporter, pretended to show an interest in refereeing this coming season by getting himself into some shape and buying a shiny new whistle.
After an initial vetting service, Wheeler was asked along to the first meeting which was held in an underground bunker on the Urney Road.
“To be honest, the vetting process wasn’t too taxing. They just asked me to blow the whistle three times and point in various directions. That was it. I was in.”
Wheeler was told he’d probably referee a few U16 games in Ardboe to harden him up before embarking on Division Three of the Tyrone All County League.
“They reckoned a few underage games between Ardboe and Moortown would make a man of me. But it was what went on during the meeting that shocked me. All 30 refs took turns in telling yarns about the worst decisions they made last weekend and everyone was bent over laughing. The drink was flying but it was some craic to be fair. One ref said he deliberately turned a blind eye to a player getting the head battered off him because he remembered the lad’s father refused him access to a rampart years ago. They did some guffawing at that one.”
The Welsh reporter was even more astounded when matters turned to this weekend’s matches:
“Remarkably, as well as being given their fixtures to referee this weekend, they were also given a scoreline to work towards. There was a rollover jackpot with all men putting a fiver into the pot which now stood at £490. Anyone who got their score correctly won the dough. A bonus pot of £100 was also given every week to the ref who made the worst decision. This time a ref from Killyman won for sending off a Killeeshil player for wearing ankle socks.”
Wheeler reported that they all agreed to give the following teams ‘a bad touch’ this year: Owen Roes, The Rock, The Moy, Killyclogher, Dregish, Derrytresk, Carrickmore and Kildress.
The Tyrone Referees’ Association were unavailable for comment.
Tyrone Tribulations 