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Jon Snow Didn’t Think Tyrone Was Deadly Either
Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe
A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.
Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.
On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:
“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”
Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.
Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.
“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”
Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.
Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.
Australian Native Disappointed After Visit To Cousins In East Tyrone
Brocagh Bruce
A 32-year old Canberra native, who painstakingly traced his family lineage right back to Brocagh in East Tyrone, is said to be ‘utterly dejected’ after receiving what at best could be called a ‘lukewarm reception’ after touching down in the area last week.
Bruce Campbell arrived in Belfast after a gruelling 32-hour flight from the Australian capital and finally reached the Ballybeg Road in Brocagh by bus and taxi armed with only the names of his last two surviving relatives – Pat and Mick Campbell – from the same road.
Bruce took up the story:
“When I was dropped off on the road, I was hungry, dirty and severely sleep-deprived. Yet, unbelievably, the first man I met on the this deserted country road on a bicycle was my 4th cousin removed – Mick Campbell. It was like all my Christmases put together. I even started crying. I hugged him, explained who I was and the 3-years work I’d done to research the family name as well as the massive journey I’d undertaken to land in this one spot in the world in front of someone with my own blood in his veins.”
What happened next was something Campbell hadn’t imagined in all the scenarios he’d thought over in his head during the plane journey from Australia:
“Cousin Mick listened to me whilst holding his bike and staring at the ground, scratched his chin, and just said ‘boys, that’s a goodun‘, swung his leg back over his saddle and shouted ‘sure, I’ll be seeing ye‘ as he sped off into the distance.”
Astonished, demoralised and close to exhaustion, Bruce made his way to the local confectionery store only to be met coming out of the shop by the other cousin – Pat Campbell.
“I couldn’t believe my luck. Pat, who I’d beforehand researched online was 57 and an ex-community worker, listened to my story as I wept my way through telling him about the whole journey and about his cousin Mick’s disappointing encounter with me. Pat just laughed and said ‘aye, that sounds like our Mick alright‘ before running to his vehicle and speeding off.”
Disconsolate, with no fixed abode and penniless, Bruce headed back to Australia a day later – a full three weeks before his original return flight. However, he did get to see Brocagh Emmets play a friendly game against Clogher.
Madonna Twitter Row Sees East and West Tyrone Relations Plummet To All-Time Low
Incident divided Tyrone
What started out as a harmless comment on Twitter concerning Madonna’s fall at an awards ceremony during the week has turned nasty with a clear West v East split emerging from the online spat.
Omagh teacher Pat Dougan (@horseitintoye) initiated the debate when he innocently tweeted
“Holy smokes, Madonna fell there on the TV”
at 9:45 on Wednesday night. Within minutes, tension escalated quickly when Mary Farrell (@badgerlass) from Brocagh replied at 9:46:
@horseitintoye Nice comment there, Mr Obvious
Unable to ignore the slight, Dougan retorted:
@badgerlass How about you learn some manners, ye prick
Which led to the following dialogue:
@horseitintoye – Ah, shut up ye grumpy oul bollocks
@badgerlass – You’re some girl. Typical Brocagh woman
@horseitintoye – Say it til my face ye slabber
@badgerlass – Yiz are all the same down there. Tramps.
@horseitintoye I’ll go up there and bate the bollix off a ye
@badgerlass – aye, in yer horse and cart. Don’t bring yer diseases please
@horseitintoye – aye, yer ma is yer sister, dick. Westie pansy.
@badgerlass – stupid hoor.
The high-stakes dialogue continued until after midnight with over 300 twitter users weighing in behind either Dougan or Farrell, with landmarks (e.g. Ardboe Cross v the Tin Men), footballers (e.g. Frank McGuigan v Ryan McMenamin), politicians (e.g.Michelle O’Neill v Barry McElduff) petrol prices and weather all used as weapons in the heated exchanges.
With no let up in the argument the following morning, and amidst threats of ‘arriving up with a crowd of our ones‘ from both sides, Twitter was moved to suspend over 700 accounts from the county for 24 hours in order to dampen emotions and calm the situation.
The Tyrone Tourism Board are to meet this evening to brainstorm ideas on how to repair east v west relations, with a ‘sharing and exchange of home-made gifts’ somewhere near the Ballygawley roundabout the firm favourite.
Stiffer Laws On Daddy Pancake Tossing Called For After Series Of Disasters Across County
Pancake straight into face
Following 62 calls to emergency services since 8am this morning, there have been calls for a Pancake Tossing Bill in order to prevent excited fathers showing off and scalding half the family as well as causing irreparable damage to ceilings and tiles.
The South Tyrone Ambulance Services revealed they spent £300 on diesel today dealing with incidents with their first call-out a 8:01 calamity in Clonoe when plumber Caoimhim Taggart lost all his hair after excitedly tossing a boiling pancake with too much cooking oil on it on top of his head, burning what was once ‘a striking shock of ginger curls’ according to his laughing wife.
Local Independent politician Leo Kennedy confirmed he will bring this up in Stormont the next time he’s allowed to talk:
“I was called out to a house in Brocagh where a man refused to stop tossing even through he’s burned 9 holes in the ceiling. His 9 starving children were all crying and begging him to stop but the male ego is a forceful phenomenon. I think there should be a licence for men to toss pancakes, only granted after a 6-week intensive course.”
44 of the calls were for piping hot pancakes straight into the face.
Pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday as the elderly call it, dates back to 1933 when the parish priest of Galbally Fr Johnson told parishioners he had a vision one night that God appeared to him to say that eating pancakes before Lent was a sure-fire way of entering the gates of heaven as long as you gave up something like cursing or winking at married women for the duration of the 40-day fasting period.
It later emerged that Fr Johnson was a shareholder in Irwin’s Bread.
Worzel Gummidge Was Based Typical West Tyrone Man, Admits Producers
West Tyrone man?
Worzel Gummidge, a scarecrow that could come to life and lived in Ten Acre Field, was modelled on any number of men you’d find wandering aimlessly around Omagh, Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Strabane or Dromore according to two producers who worked on the show during 1979 and 1981.
Gummidge, whose catchphrase was ‘A cup o’ tea an’ a slice o’ cake‘, was played by John Pertwee with his love interest coming from Aunt Sally acted by Una Stubbs.
In his memoir, producer Kenny Rainhome admitted:
“I was visiting cousins in Tyrone in 1978 and was amazed at the way nearly every fellow was the same as the next: black hats, straw hair, straw hands, muddied face and funny way of talking. And then they’d just be standing in fields looking about. I loved them so I thought I’d pay homage to their existence.”
The West Tyrone Preservation Society have reacted angrily to the revelation but admitted they’re not surprised:
“We’re proud of our men. And so what if they keep a lot of straw about themselves? Sure in England all the men are on drugs and wear wigs and stuff. But this does not come as big news to us. Sure wasn’t The Muppets based on the decision of the Moortown jury to award Mary Quinn from Ballinderry as Miss Wrangler Jeans 1966 when Sarah O’Neill from Brocagh had a far better chassis on her.”
There are no plans to reboot Worzel Gummidge.
Tyrone Standing By Decision To Appoint Umpire With Turned-In Eyes
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that they will not overturn their decision to appoint a man with two turned-in eyes as one of their inter-county umpires for 2015.
The controversial decision came to light at the weekend after the umpire, who was officiating at an Under 16 game between Brocagh and Eglish, incorrectly awarded five goals and sixteen points over the course of an hour’s play.
Mayo, Donegal, Dublin and Kerry have already made an official complaint to Croke Park although Derry County Board explained they’d ‘wait and see how it goes’.
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly from Aughabrack will officiate his first National League game on February the 1st between Kerry and Mayo which will be televised live, a fact that worries close friends and relatives of The Squint.
First cousin and ex-referee John Quinn urged the county board to rethink the decision:
“No harm to The Squint but he’s the worst umpire in the country and probably across the globe. I took him as one of my umpires to Coalisland for an underage game against Edendork and on three occasions he flagged a wide, a point and a goal at the same time. The fella is seeing 2 or 3 balls every time play comes near him. It’s not his fault but surely umpiring is the last job he should be at.”
Kelly, who has wrote-off nine cars and hospitalised a barman during a game of pub darts, will take the train to Kerry to be safe.
Tyrone County Board confirmed they are firmly behind the turned-in eyes community and have pleaded with the GAA family to give Kelly a chance.
Stormont House Agreement Sees Tyrone ‘Hard Done By’ Says Kildress Man
A sight under threat with the new agreement
As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.
Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.
McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.
“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”
Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.
“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”
The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.
Many O’Neill Clans On Verge Of Extinction. Breeding Grants Commissioned.
Prominent historians have warned that, unless a strenuous breeding programme and grant-incentive scheme is put into place immediately, many of the ancient O’Neill clans will die out within the next 100 years.
The study was commissioned by Des O’Neill who has been working to reunite many O’Neills across the planet in order to piece together the history of the famous Ulster dynasty since the Flight of the Earls in 1607.
Des, of the ‘Well-Hung’ O’Neills, has applied for a breeding grant but also lamented the obliteration of his own clan:
“The Well-Hung O’Neills were an important sept back in the 1500s. Back then the chief would hire a few of the Well-Hungs to entertain visitors from Spain and France, especially their women folk. I think I’m the last Well-Hung O’Neill in Tyrone and maybe the world. I’m still under 50 and a single man so there’s hope for me yet. I’m just putting those facts out there. Under 50, single and a Well-Hung O’Neill.”
John O’Neill of the ‘Lazy-Arsed’ O’Neills, near Brocagh, has also warned the O’Neill Society that he is the last of the Lazy-Arsed sept unless a local woman takes a chance on him before he slips into dotage.
“I’m 71 but there’s a wee bit of energy in me yet. I was one of seven brothers but none of us could be bothered wooing and courting women, preferring to just sit about and watch Glenroe. But I hear there’s a grant for this and if preserving the Lazy-Arsed clan means I have to shower a couple of times and buy a flower or two, then it’ll be worth it.”
Hugh O’Neill, of the ‘Fat-Gut’ O’Neills near Eskra, maintains they’re the strongest line of the ancient family with over 200 in their numbers and growing every year but maintained the grant money should stave off complacency.
Meanwhile, the Quinns, McCanns, McLaughlins, Donnellys, Campbells and Taggarts have also applied for grants.
Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout
Mary-Ann Quinn this morning
A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.
Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.
“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”
Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:
“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”
The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.
‘Scundered’ Parents Made Children Queue Outside School For Four Days Before Opening
Jack Davidson, four days before doors open.
Several parents in Brocagh have admitted they were at the end of their tether with the summer holidays after it emerged they made their children camp outside the gates of their local primary school since Monday for the opening today.
News of the extreme measures emerged after teachers arrived at St Jacob’s this morning to be met with 13 tents and conditions described like ‘a Glastonbury Festival for Toddlers’ with sweet wrappers and bottles of mineral strewn across the school hedges.
Headmaster Hughes admitted that this year seemed to be worse than others:
“In previous years we’d have had parents sending pupils maybe two days early and telling them to walk ‘deadly slow’ to school. But this year, what with the bad weather and nothing on the TV, they seem to have shipped the children out a lot earlier. They even set up Portaloos and soup kitchens which I suppose shows how thoughtful and caring parents are around these parts.”
Mother Hillary Carney revealed she felt no guilt and argued it will make a man of her son Tommy:
“We were scundered by the time August had arrived. After the boys exited the championship, the weekends were fairly bleak. Last week we took the children to look at the Old Cross at Ardboe in the pouring rain for the 3rd time in a month. Listen, it’ll toughen them up. Four days in the Brocagh wilderness, fighting the elements and wild badgers can bring a 6-year old on leaps and bounds.”
Meanwhile, Master Hughes revealed they will be bringing back Latin, slapping, sums, Greek classics, sewing, dominoes, shouting and going to the toilet in a tin bucket in order to ‘instil a bit of old-fashioned discipline in society around the lough shore’.
Anger In Parts Of Tyrone Over Frank Mitchell’s UTV Weather Watchers Snub
The George Clooney of Ulster – Derrytresk hater?
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
County Holds Breath As Hugo Duncan Reportedly Entering Celebrity Big Brother House.
No cream buns in England
Fears for the sanity of Tyrone’s only treasure, Hugo Duncan, as well as that of all the other celebrities too, have been expressed across the county this morning as bookies stop taking bets that Duncan will appear in the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother programme.
Masses were dedicated to the Wee Man From Strabane in Omagh, Cookstown and Brocagh this morning to give him the strength to survive three weeks in a house with transvestites, rappers, Americans, glamorous women and drug-fuelled has-beens.
Radio Ulster studio producer and close friend Harry Hagan is fearful that the experience could break the county singing legend:
“We joke about his diet and all but people need to realise he really is addicted to cream buns and cakes. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – you’ll see Hugo with cream all over his chin. There’s no way the Big Brother crowd will provide him with buns. It’ll be the opposite – they spot a weakness and aggravate it, hoping he’ll blow a fuse. And he will. He has a fierce temper and will slap all around him if he doesn’t get a bun. Even Frank Bruno would find him formidable.”
Hagan also highlighted the effect he might have on the other contestants:
“Again, it’s a running joke but he does do the whole ‘diddily diddily dee, skiddily I de di’ all the time. It’ll drive them other ones mad and they’re probably in a vulnerable state to begin with. Even in his sleep he’s skiddly-aye-dee-diddle-deddle-dumming away like a lunatic. It could cut up rough. And he eats with his mouth open. Please vote him out as soon as you can.“
40 foot screens have been erected in Strabane and Dungannon for people to follow Hugo’s progress in case he does appear in the show. Authorities have also warned fans of the singer that the Big Brother house can do strange things to you and not to be surprised if he starts cross-dressing or changes his accent.
Supermoon Wreaks Havoc Across Tyrone
Supermoon – driving women mad
The recent supermoon has been blamed for a series of disturbances across the county, ranging from domestic tiffs to naked dancing near the Sperrin Mountains.
The moon, which is closer to earth than normal but won’t hit us, has also been blamed for making housewives and mothers grumpier than normal, as well as speeding up hair growth.
PSNI trainee Jack Barrow was one of the first on the scene of a pagan ritual up near Kildress around midnight:
“Yes this supermoon seems to have put their heads away around here. I chased nearly 80 locals from the field behind the chapel. They were all naked and dancing around a small bonfire and just seemed to be shouting ‘yeeeooo’ and ‘Up the Tones’, and every now and then point at the moon. Most were intoxicated too. Interestingly one of them was the priest. It’s a bit mad altogether.”
Brocagh car mechanic Seanie Dawson maintains his wife has taken grumpiness to a new level since the big moon showed up:
“She tore strips off me this morning for using the butter knife to unscrew the battery holder in the TV remote. Normally she’d just take it off me and give me a dirty look. This time she stabbed me in the shoulder 4 times and called me ‘a good for nothing oul bollocks‘. The sooner this moon is away the better. Super my arse.”
Artist’s impression
Meanwhile, men and women have both been complaining about unusual hair growth recently with a 300% spike in sales of Gillette razors in Cookstown and Omagh. Reports suggest that even Peter Canavan has been spotted sporting a few strands on his famed baldy dome.
Local Gangsters Organise Amazing Concerts After Brooks Fiasco
Beyonce for Brocagh?
Government officials have told people to be wary of mind-boggling concert line-ups as entrepreneurs make money on interest before cancelling the event late on.
Using the Garth Brooks incident as a template, Omagh man Harry Davidson advertised a ‘Tramping About Tyrone’ weekend festival allegedly featuring U2, Rihanna, Tom Jones, Eminem, Rod Stewart, Bruce Springsteen and a hologram Michael Jackson all in a 3-acre field near Loughmacrory, costing £300 for the weekend ‘subject to licensing and appearance agreements’. 90’000 tickets were sold within three hours yesterday for the January 1st 2015 event.
One lucky ticket holder, Jane Tohill, told us:
“We know fine rightly this won’t go ahead but you have to take a chance don’t you. Harry once organised a quiz in the pub and won it himself so we know what kind of crook he is. We also know he’ll make a bomb out of the interest from these ticket sales but you’d never forgive yourself if he came good. But it’s not happening is it?’
When contacted, Davidson was honest about his venture. After laughing for five minutes, he confirmed:
“As sure as I’m standing here, this concert is not going ahead. I plan to cancel it in December, probably just before Christmas, which is a rather generous thing to do. They’ll get their refund back to buy presents and I get my interest. Everyone wins. People will always take a chance though, just in case like. There’s that 0.01% chance Tramping About Tyrone might happen.”
Other events recently announced included ‘Beyonce In Brocagh’, (Neil) ‘Diamond Does Dromore’, and ‘Meatloaf In The Moy’ which have all sold out despite zero chance of actually happening although Meatloaf was spotting eating strawberries from a pallet on the side of the road in Eglish last week.
Children ‘Cursing Like Mad’ Today After Dunphy Slip-Up
Omagh lad asking what time it is, today
Following Eamon Dunphy’s four letter word slip-up yesterday live on RTE during their World Cup coverage, parents and teachers across Ulster have reported a rise in bad language today in homes and schools, highlighting the popularity of both football and Eamon Dunphy.
Dunphy, who has since made two apologies for his error, believed the cameras were off air before he offered his opinion on Neymar’s penalty kick for Brazil against Croatia. Headmaster Michael McGlone indicated that it is too late for his class of P6s from Greencastle, at the bottom of the Sperrin Mountains:
“Ah, I know mistakes can happen but Holy Jaysus this morning has been an eye-opener for me in terms of the power and influence TV has over youngster these days. At 8:45am, on his way in to the school, our head boy and chief altar helper said to me ‘Master, I’m hope there’s no fuckin homework today as it’s fuckin hot again out there’. This boy hasn’t cursed since birth.”
It’s not just in the classroom that colourful language has been on the increase, as mother of three Julie O’Neill from Brocagh on the shores of Lough Neagh explained:
“The children were up watching RTE last night as we’re big Mexico fans because we love their food, especially all that taco shit. We paid no heed to the slip-up last night and assumed the children had not heard it. Well, this morning I overhead my two youngest Peter (6) and Mary (5) fuckin and blindin away about the Corn Flakes. I thought two work men were in that kitchen, not my precious angels. Eamon Dunphy, you’re one fuckin bollocks!”
Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that Dunphy will tour Ireland to visit schools to promote ‘Say No To Bad Fuckin Language’ although the tour’s risky title is still under review.
Tyrone’s Taxi Men Supplementing Wage With Part-Time Stripping
Coalisland taxi man
An undercover investigation by a Welsh journalist has revealed that up to 80% of taxi drivers in the county are doubling up as personal strippers for parties of women who crave a bit of live entertainment.
The report discovered that a lack of disposable income has resulted in the majority of young people staying indoors at the weekend, depriving taxi drivers of a much-needed income whilst also leaving the adrenaline-fuelled 18-40 year olds without excitement in their lives from Friday til Sunday.
A Greencastle taxi man, Garrett Devlin, revealed to the journalist:
“Aye, it’s really kicking off now. People don’t have the money these days to be travelling to places like Omagh and Kildress, so they’re sitting in the house getting full and listening to Garth Brooks or The Saw Doctors. Then we started getting calls to pick up at houses but when we arrived, there’d be wemen pleading for us to go in and strip off for double the fare. It’s a no-brainer. I now bring my fireman and farmer uniforms. I’ve never been more flush with cash.”
The taxi-stripper phenomenon quickly spread across the county with a particular spike in the Brocagh area. Lifelong taxi-man Seamie Dornan added:
“It has got to the stage now that we’ll only hire taxi men who are fairly slim and can flex a few muscles. They also must supply their own uniforms with Superman, sewage-worker and a boiler servicer the most popular striptease routines amongst women this direction. Although, we’re an equal-opportunities employer and we do employ fatter taxi men as there still a demand for big men around Ardboe and Ballinderry.”
Meanwhile, Jobseekers’ Allowance officials are to clamp down on these double jobbers by means of dummy runs. A dole-office worker accidentally caught out a taxi-stripper in Dungannon last week after ordering a taxi only for the driver to turn up in a cowboy outfit. His defence of getting ‘carried away after watching For A Few Dollars More the night previous’ was thrown out of court.
Brocagh Fun Farm ‘A Bit Of A Let Down’
Early reviews of the new fun farm at Ballybeg in Brocagh have been unfavourable after Tyrone’s latest amenity opened its door to journalists before the grand opening later next month. In return, the farm’s organisers have accused local writers of being ‘too spoilt’ and ‘need to lighten up a bit’.
Tyrone Tribulations’ sightseeing expert Tally Molloy filed her report earlier today and agreed with the general consensus that it could have been a lot better.
It reads as follows:
Larry. Age 22.
PETTING ZONE: At £10 we were expecting a lot from the experience. The first hint that things might not live up to expectations was the petting zone. What this entailed was lining up behind each other to pet a decaying grey Labrador who was partially blind, lame in two legs and well into her twenties in terms of age. The closer you got to the dog the stronger the stench was getting and on arriving at the petting spot it was hard not to vomit over the creature.
WATERSIDE WALK: In order to sober up after that petting experience
Waterside Walk
we were encouraged to take the scenic route to witness the wild animals. Called ‘The Waterside Walk’, this was simply walking up a field alongside a massive puddle left by the rain the previous night. We were told to walk around the puddle five times. A man was topping it up with a hose.
Wild animals
WILD ANIMAL SECTION: We were brought to another field and were given binoculars and told to look at the top of a hill about half a mile away. There we could see about a dozen cows, chewing on grass. That was it.
TEA ROOM: This was a converted shed with concrete floor, one plastic table and six crates for sitting on. They served a plastic cup of mineral for £1 and a packet of crisps for 90p.
Tea room
OVERALL EXPERIENCE: Disappointing. The man who showed us around left us for half an hour at the start as he said it was his dinner time.
Ballybeg Petting Farm have promised to tighten up a few loose ends before the grand opening. They also announced that the Petting Zone is temporarily closed after the timely death of Larry the Labrador.
Middle-Aged Boiler Men Are ‘Most Desirable’ Say Tyrone Women
A deadly man in action
A recent survey carried out on local streets and ramparts have concluded that, contrary to popular opinion, unqualified middle-aged boiler servicers make women go weak at the knees, especially those over the age of 50.
Boiler men have relegated stove fitters, farmers and part-time electricians to also-rans after 360 local women from Clady to Brocagh were quizzed whilst out shopping or just walking about, regarding their romantic preferences .
Francie Hagan, a 63-year old boiler man from Aghyaran, is not surprised at the results. Whilst fixing a boiler in Castlederg for a 67-year old widow, Hagan told us:
“Not one bit shocked. I’ve been finding myself flat-out since I turned 50, especially with older women wanting their pipes looked at when there’s nothing wrong with them at all. It’s a bit embarrassing sometimes as I’m friendly with a few of the husbands. I’m no looker myself but I think the smell of home heating oil and the dirty boiler suit seems to drive the women mad. I’m not complaining. £100 for a call out every time.”
Patricia Morgan, a 55-year old retired hairdresser from Moortown, explained:
“There’s an oul man around these parts and he’s exhausted running about fixing boilers that don’t seem to need fixing. I sort of feel sorry for him but he charges £50 for even looking at the boiler from a distance. Then if you add on another £50 for a frock we’d buy for him coming and it’s a bucking fortune we’re out. He smells deadly though.”
Since the publication of the survey, angry housewives have been accompanying their boiler-servicing husbands on jobs, posing as apprentices.
Meanwhile, many local discos have registered a rise in young boys looking like old boiler men on nights out hoping to win the hearts of their female peers. Dancing with spanners and pliers in hand has become the 2014 craze in Cookstown and Omagh nightclubs.
Windmill GFC Offer Moyes A Quick Return To Management
Made for Windmill
East Tyrone was hiving with journalists this morning after it emerged that the newly re-formed Windmill GFC, who previously terrorised the Tyrone football scene, are considering offering David Moyes the vacant managerial position with immediate effect.
Moyes, who was this morning sacked by Manchester United, is said to be ‘considering his options’ and has been trying to find Windmill on Google Maps. An attractive package is being mulled over at the clubrooms in order to attract the Scot with an unlimited supply of jellied eels hopefully tipping the scales in their favour. Chairman Vinny ‘cut throat’ Dawson admitted:
“We’re very excited with the deal we’re proposing. As well as the eel situation, we are scouring the lough shore for old barns and sheds that we can do up and give Moyes that realistic rustic feeling of old Ireland that Americans pay millions for. As we speak there’s a shed above Moortown that fits the bill as soon as we can relocate the wild livestock. Moyes is the sort of boy we’ve been after. Ginger, fierce temper and a disregard for dental hygiene. He’ll fit right in here.”
Moyes’ PR woman has already touched down in Belfast and was quick to fan the flames of current rumours:
“David is a real eel man. He’s always making jokes about eels like ‘It’s a eely nice day today’ and all that type of stuff. In fact, he’s mad about them. Also he thinks Windmill also sounds romantic, like Niagara Falls or Ayers Rock. Paradise even. I think he visualises rolling glens with windmills twirling gently on hilltops and fair maidens dancing gaily in frocks with buckets of fresh milk draped across their shoulders. I’m heading that direction now to confirm his fantasies. I’ll be taking in Ardboe, Brocagh, Carnan and Ballinderry too.”
Meanwhile, Windmill are hoping to secure the services of Mickey Coleman to sing ‘The Old Cross of Ardboe’ and ‘Stop Yer Ticklin Jock’ before his unveiling.
Brocagh Woman Admitted To Hospital; Can’t Stop Making Sandwiches
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Brocagh woman spent last night in Dungannon hospital after a marked increase in her addiction to making sandwiches for anyone passing within shouting distance of her house.
Authorities were called to 62-year old Deirdre McFarland’s house in Mountjoy Road after a visiting neighbour, 58 year old Aileen Hughes, was plied with so many sandwiches that she herself was rushed to hospital with a suspected ruptured stomach.
Medical experts are concerned that the condition may be a genetic affliction and could in fact affect many women in Tyrone, particularly older women.
“That’s right”, confirmed hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “People should look out for the warning signs. Constantly making people cups of tea is usually the first stage, then it’s the sandwiches, and before you know it, it’s like a full-blown episode of Father Ted”.
Neighbours admitted that they suspected McFarland’s addiction for some time.
“Aye, she’s afeared of being thought of as tight, so she goes over the top. I saw the oil delivery man go in last week and five minutes later heard Deirdre shouting, ‘Go on, horse it into ya, Cynthia’ at the top of her voice”.
Worse was to come for the unsuspecting oil man, as 31-year old Seamie McNamara from Granville explained:
“She offered me a sandwich when I went to get the cheque, so I insisted on just having a cup of tay in ma haun, but lo and behold five minutes later out came this big clatter of ham and tomato sarnies. I wouldn’t have minded but I was only five minutes out of Cabragh Filling Station so I’d already had a mighty feed. I didn’t want to offend her so I tried my best to get four or five of them down me, just to show willing like. I thought I had done my bit, but then did she not go into the kitchen and come out with more. She thought I was bloody starving. I didn’t think it through. There must have been about a pint of salad cream in them cheese sandwiches. Tara. I near passed out. There’s only so much wheaten and Kerrygold a man can take”.
Reports this morning confirmed that McFarland’s postman had previously made a formal complaint after his weight ballooned by three stone in as many months after succumbing to her hospitality.
Tyrone Tribulations 