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Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
Brolly Plans To Insult Whole Of Tyrone As His Bookings For Chat Show Appearances In County Increases
After a 3-day seminar in Kildare, psychologists have failed to explain a new phenomenon whereby the more Joe Brolly abuses and insults Tyrone GAA and its popular sporting figures, the more invites he receives from clubs within the county to appear at chat show evenings.
Financial experts maintain that for every anti-Tyrone outburst by the Dungiven barrister, his bank balance is boosted by over £10’000 by cash-laden clubs hoping to parade the 1993 All-Ireland winner on podiums alongside other lesser-light pundits such as Paddy Heaney and Adrian Logan, prior to big games.
Professor of Relationships at Trinity College, Dr Jack Rooster, explained:
“We just cannot explain the crazy mindset in Tyrone. It appears that the more Brolly angers them, the more money they’ll throw at him, with 1000s of women also hoping to get a photo taken with him. We reckon that his decision to tell Mickey Harte to eff off as well as to receive the sack within the last 7 days will earn him over £40’000 before the year is out – all paid out by confused club chairmen across the county. It’s a more perverse form of Stockholm Syndrome.”
Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.
Insiders have revealed that Brolly hopes to increase his Tyrone-insult rates to 4-a-week, with local women and animals due a hit before the summer starts – earning him a potentially cool £1m in the process.
An anonymous chairman informed us:
“I know we shouldn’t be giving this wee bollocks the time of day – he has ridiculed everything we’ve ever achieved as a county. But I’ve booked him in for a chat evening around August time. I can’t explain why. I’m afraid to explore these feelings.”
Scientists will re-convene tomorrow to debate the Tyrone/Brolly psychology and intend on giving it a name by the end of the week.
Gaelic Football On Life Support As Armagh Caught Using Planetarium To Spy On Tyrone
Contraption used to spy on Tyrone
Already under pressure from TV, radio and print journalists across the country for the standard of football, the GAA received another blow to its image after a raid on Armagh Planetarium found high-tech telescopes and satellite devices pointed directly at various locations in Tyrone including their GAA headquarters in Garvaghey and Sean Cavanagh’s back garden.
Suspicions were raised on Tuesday night after players noticed a ‘hovering star with flashing red lights on it’ during county training which was later confirmed by NASA as an Armagh-made satellite named ArmNav. The 13-acre floating structure was sending images back to the planetarium where Kieran McGeeney and other members of the Armagh management team dissected the information in preparation for a potential clash between the counties later in the Summer.
During the dawn raid, the PSNI astronomical investigation team also found some of the most powerful telescopes on the planet trained on a garden in the The Moy, suspected to be that owned by Tyrone captain Sean Cavanagh. DVDs seized showed hundreds of hours of footage of Cavanagh in his garden doing shimmies and pulling down trees as well as a few mid-winter barbecue sessions.
A Tyrone County Board official told us:
“Right, it has gone too far. This paranoia within the game is destroying us. Defensive tactics look like child’s play compared to the efforts of McGeeney’s back room team. Apparently one of the telescopes was able to see right into Mickey Harte’s kitchen, where he often draw tactics on conflate boxes and stuff.”
The finger of suspicion has fallen on a female Armagh-born employee in the planetarium with strong links to the Moy through marriage. An insider, who wished to remain nameless, confirmed the character in question seemed to work late shifts a lot more since the new year and appeared to be wearing fresh Armagh gear every week.
Tyrone Men Officially ‘Good For Nothing’ After County Convention Elections
Following the welcome news that Tyrone GAA will be spearheaded by the brilliant Roisin Jordan, the first female chairperson of a county board in Ireland since its inception in 1884, Tyrone men have been finally consigned to the dung-heap after years of narrowly avoiding the label of being ‘good for nothing’.
Government statistics revealed that in the early part of 2014: 93% of teachers in the county were women as well as 79% of politicians including the high profile and successful Michelle O’Neill and Michelle Gildernew. 81% of county businesses had female CEOs or figureheads, 73% of GPs were women, 69% of dentists and 85% of farmers also female.
Long-time Tyrone man Cathal Corr admitted living in the county was ‘a bit scary’ but added it was only a matter of time before women took the reins in almost every facet of everyday life:
“Let’s be honest. They’ve been smarter for years. We could only hold them back through skulduggery for so long. Now with fair play and all that stuff we’ve been exposed for what we really are – good for feck all. I’m trying the rack my brains here looking for an example of something we’re better at and there’s nothing. Yesterday I was driving through Augher and I saw a pregnant woman with three sheep on her shoulders whipping a cow whilst talking on the phone to the Credit Union. Her husband was sitting behind her in the mud eating a turnip.”
Rumours that Jordan’s first move will be to order Mickey Harte to play 2-3 women in the full back line for Tyrone in the McKenna Cup have been dismissed as pure speculation.
Meanwhile, Omagh Technical College have asked that men need not apply for any courses next year unless they can prove they can write neatly without passing wind or can desist from scratching themselves whilst looking out the window at the same time.
Donegal Players Practise Tyrone Accents, Mannerisms And Odours Before Kerry Clash
Professor McMenamin
Jimmy McGuinness, a man renowned for leaving no stone unturned, has reportedly spent the last fortnight hanging around Clady, Strabane and Castlederg in order to pick up some Tyrone mannerisms to pass on to his players at training.
Donegal, who take on Kerry tomorrow in the All-Ireland Football Final, will aim to mirror Tyrone’s achievement of defeating The Kingdom in the national final. As well as making his players run very hard around the pitch doing laps and practising high jumps and long kicks, McGuinness put on compulsory Tyrone speech and elocution lessons at night. Anyone missing a session was made to do 500 press ups with Jimmy sitting on their back.
A squad member told us:
“It was very hard learning them Tyrone words. He wants us to psychologically mess with their heads by calling them ‘clifts’ and using ‘duhhul’. Duhhul (a mucky field) is a hard one. The only context we could find was ‘we’re going to bate ye in this duhhul ye clifts til the clabber is running off ye’. The other bits were easy enough. Recreating the Tyrone body odour was dead easy. We just sponged oil, diesel, turf, Lucozade and soda farls all over each other.”
Our source also confirmed that Ryan ‘Ricey’ McMenamin was called in to do a workshop on ‘The Dark Arts’ which provided tips on general chitchat and fondling during the game:
“Yes, Professor Ricey’s lecture was brilliant. Before he started he stood up at the front and rhymed off all the phone numbers of our girlfriends or wives. That’s real preparation and he opened our eyes as to what needs to be done to defeat Kerry. His quick session on gentle eye-gouging and testicle-tapping was genius stuff. We’ve never felt in better condition.”
Rumours that Jimmy McGuinness was going to shave his head and grow a semi-beard to put the spooks up the Kerry management have failed to materialise after it emerged Mickey Harte has copyrighted the image.
Is Nominative Determinism More Prevalent In Co. Tyrone Than Anywhere Else On Earth?
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Dennis Taylor – brilliant at taking up trousers
The phenomenon of nominative determinism – which describes the increased likelihood of choosing a profession as a result of being born to a particular surname – is currently being studied to see if location also has an impact on adult career choices.
A Tyrone Tribulations envoy met with Professor Johnny Pointless and his students at Oxford University’s sociology department, and hoped to prove that none other than our very own County Tyrone has the highest incidence of name-sake related jobs.
“It has long since been held that there is a strong link between one’s family name and the professional path people choose in life” professor Pointless told us, “even back to Shakespearean times. A look at some of the Co. Tyrone examples are quite remarkable, if true.”
Examples discussed included world famous golfer Darren Clarke, who spent his early years as a junior bookkeeper, training to be an accountant with a Dungannon firm. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods et al, Clarke decided in his early 20s that he wanted to explore another field.
Another Tyrone example was that Dennis Taylor had been a clothing alterations specialist at a formal dress-hire company in Dungannon. Taylor finally got fed up measuring lads for their school formals, and taking up trousers, so he decided to head for the dole queue. Soon he bridged the gap between Ireland and England, pocketing a fortune over the years.
Taylor did always however maintain contact with his protégé, local tv and radio star Malachi Cush, who himself was an all-Ireland snooker and pool underage champion. This example of nominative determinism explains why Taylor’s trousers were always impeccable during snooker tournaments.
Tyrone Tribulations also informed the Oxford team of the two brothers from Derrylaughan who have been running a very successful ‘Sahara animal trekking experience’ tour business along the romantic shores of Lough Neagh.
Following from their popularity, ‘Camel’s Riding School’ looks set to open for local kids parties this coming September. While Oxford pointed there were “parochial pronunciation issues at play” (Campbell versus Camel) this still did in fact qualify as a case where one’s surname had an influence on their paid profession.
Post and present Tyrone senior footballers and great friends Darren McCurry and Ryan (Ricey) McMenamin are opening a chain of Chinese takeaway restaurants in Dromore, with half and half a discounted special. This, also we are told, does qualify.
Other examples we raised with the team included former footballing greats such as Mickey Coleman, who has decided to put down his guitar and has stocked up on household fuels for the winter months. Chris and Stevie Lawn have obtained a franchise for a gardening firm and are presently seeking contracts round Moortown and Ardboe.
Former last gasp saviour and ‘keeper, John Devine is rumoured to be down in Maynooth in the early stages of becoming a deacon which was also accepted within the guidelines set primarily by the dictionary.
Stevie O’Neill being ‘a deadly man on a size five ball’ is not something the panel would accept at this stage, although we have arranged they be flown over to the next Clann na Gael training session to help reverse their decision on the 2005 Footballer of the year.
When we informed them of a postman in Coalisland called Pat, researchers confirmed that this was just an amusing coincidence and didn’t really qualify as nominative determinism. Also Mickey Harte, being universally loved all around the County, was “a totally separate matter… maybe if he was a surgeon or something” stated Pointless… little does he know we told him.
Following recent reports in the Irish News that proud gay boxing champion, and great fella, Junior Quinn from Clonoe wanted to be called ‘Queen’ again, Oxford’s boffins ruled this was just a pronunciation issue, “and again totally different to what we have been telling you all day.”
Also mentioned was Big Willie Anderson the Dungannon and Ireland rugby great who we said has tried to dismiss talk of some 1980s videotapes he made. Added to the disappointment that we could not produce the tapes, Pointless and his team indicated it would not have been counted anyway as Willie is a Christian name, not his family name, and ‘Big’ is an endearing term for the man because he is so well liked around his town.
While we await the final outcome to be announced, it can be confirmed that Tyrone is in the final two areas being reviewed. Also in the running are the Choctaw Indians of the USA, who actually do include an awful lot of real Indians.
Tyrone GAA Golden Generation Breeding Programme Details Revealed
Garvaghey Room of Love
A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
Morgan concluded:
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
Most Tyrone People Still In Bed After Armagh Defeat
Coalisland at 11am
Following their harrowing three-point defeat to neighbours Armagh, it was reported that by midday today only three Tyrone people had ventured out of their house and one of those was to lock the front gates.
The loss, which sees Tyrone exit the championship in mid July, comes on top of the cancelled Brooks concerts, leaving locals with little to look forward to apart from a weekend in Bundoran here and there.
Trisha Mullen from Benburb described the scene:
“It’s a deadly quiet place at the minute. The roads are empty for fear of seeing an Armagh person. No one wants to talk even. I thought I spotted movement in a hedge near Eglish but that could have been anything. My husband did set one foot out but an Armagh Carpets van drove past and he got teary eyed and said ‘feck that’ and went back to bed. There’ll not be many fields cut this week.”
Psychologist and Armagh fanatic Dr Tony Fearon reckons the double whammy of Brooks and Tyrone will have shattered even the most resilient Tyronnie. Speaking from his house in Portadown, he added:
“It’s a severe blow to the Tyrone psyche. All that’s left now is reruns of Glenroe and slagging each other. Rub it up them I say.”
Producers of a remake of The Good The Bad And the Ugly have moved quickly and filmed several scenes in ‘ghost towns’ across the county.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone management have scotched rumours that Mickey Harte plans to give every man in the county a game by the time he retires in 2020, in order to raise spirits. Spokesman Pat Quinn fumed:
“Hardly everyone, like. It’d be suicide sticking a lame 80-year old on that big McKeever lump from Armagh. He’d ate him.”
Anarchy In Tyrone As Post-Brooks Stress Hotline Set Up. Bonfires and Screaming On The Rise.
Carrickmore man, earlier
Government officials have urged all affected Tyronians to stay calm and think of their favourite place after news emerged that all Garth Brooks concerts have been cancelled.
Police have already had to contend with an outbreak of unpleasantness with reports of bonfires being set alight all over the county, with fans burning excess cowboy hats and boots as well as old CDs of Brooks’ greatest hits. They have urged anyone looking to wreck anything to phone their special Post-Brooks Stress hotline, a condition quickly diagnosed by a doctor in Coalisland.
Brooks fanatic Marie Herron admitted she was at her wit’s end:
“I just can stop running around and screaming. What the hell are we going to do now this summer? That’s not just the summer ruined, it’s the whole year and possibly the decade. I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow.”
Screaming and running about seems to be the first sign of Post-Brooks Stress Disorder, before it turns violent and victims begin to wreck and burn things. In Kildress, it has been reported that nearly everything not tied down has been set alight including cattle and trailers. UTV cameramen have confirmed they have footage of three men in Carrickmore crying valleys of tears at the news, before punching each other.
One, a talented electrician, told them:
“I’m not bothered about Brooks. It’s the side effects. I’ll have to tramp around Dublin Zoo or something now with herself that weekend.”
Local politicians have called an emergency meeting of all elected councillors to decide on their next move, with talk of a march to Dublin high on the agenda. They have also set up a fund-raising committee to help pay for those out of pocket because of the £1 handling fee on Ticketmaster.
Meanwhile Mickey Harte has called on his players to ‘Do It For Garth’ this Sunday against Armagh. County officials have also urged supporters to bring their cowboy hats and shoes to the game and pretend it’s the concert they were supposed to be going to as it might be their only day out this year.
Coalisland Silver Band Drafted In After Armagh Brawl
Coalisland drummers practice
The Ulster Council have confirmed that for the potentially fiery Monaghan/Tyrone game they’re considering replacing St Michael’s Enniskillen Band with the infamous Coalisland Silver Band whose drummers are known for their fighting skills and general ‘taking no crap’ appearance.
The move comes after Armagh and Cavan players brawled just as the young Enniskillen band prepared to launch into The Boys of the County Armagh for the pre-match parade. A flag dispute has been identified as the reason for the punch-up but body language experts agreed that a few heavy hitters along the back line of drummers would solve any future disagreements.
Marching band fanatic Frank Hurson from Pomeroy explained:
“It is an old tactic we have used up in Pomeroy for decades. If there was a chance of things kicking off between two rivals, we’d (Pomeroy Pipe Band) have replaced our whole rear drummer line with the drummers from the Coalisland Silver Band. Rumour has it they were much sought after in Uruguay and Chile during the 1960s when their club football pre-match parades were riddled with mass brawls and maimings.”
Ardboe octogenarian Felix Quinn reminded authorities of the importance of a muscular drumming corp. Remembering the Battle of the Battery in 1971 when Moortown and Ardboe players fought for four hours after a musical difference during the parade, he warned:
“It’s vital the Ulster Council act now. In ’71 the Moortown lads objected to our flute band playing ‘Mary, The Moortown Harlet’ around the field even though it was a favourite around our parts. They charged at the drum lads at the back but we had infiltrated the musicians with our toughest reserves. Bloodbath. The Coalisland Silver Band are ideal for these Monaghan mountain men.”
Meanwhile, rumours persist that Mickey Harte will make a few fringe players camp out overnight in Clones in order to secure the outside line during the parade. He has denied meeting with Ardoyne protestors to ask for tips.
Clonoe GAC Youth Policy “A Clean Disgrace”
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe cub yesterday
Damian Cassidy has been blasted by Coalisland na Fianna players and supporters as “a clean disgrace” following reports that he has placed all male children in Clonoe over the age of 2 and a half years old on a unique ‘Rahilly cubs’ strength and conditioning program.
It is further rumoured that ‘the cubs’ (as the 30 month plus young boys are known), have embarked on training programs deemed more advanced than even that of the cross-fit gymnasiums currently sweeping the nation. In photos leaked to Tyrone Tribulations, we can confirm children are being taught to perform the Snatch, Clean and Jerk Olympic style power lifts, with purpose built toy weights. Initial reports suggest that the clubhouse fitness suite is allegedly preparing for pram sized parking spaces to be painted on the tar, and boxes of pampers, dummies and babies bottles have been spotted beside the vending machine in the foyer.
One local we spoke to outside Tessie’s, who did not want to be named ‘for security reasons’, nervously indicated that the rumours may indeed be true.
“Hi, what Cassidy says, goes round these parts, hi.”
He stammered on:
“No man questions him- they just do whatever he tells them to do… Sure there’s one of the reserves who carries his own shite around in a wee lunch box with him everywhere he goes because Cassidy says it will make him faster. He was put out of Begley’s shop last week cause of the smell – and him in looking about new boots. Apparently he fairly shifted out the door alright.”
When pressed whether Mr Cassidy would consider such ground-breaking and controversial steps, our source told us:
“aye, well- you could say he’s the new Mickey Harte, but he’s from Derry, so you wouldn’t really say that,”
before darting off.
Damian Cassidy was approached for comment and, while he duly obliged, apart from the word “sir” we were unable to ascertain what he had to say. A Derry/Tyrone translator could not decipher the tapes we recorded. Mr Cassidy did, however, nod his head three times yet shook his head FOUR times over the course of his interview, which we take as a firm denial of the new youth training policy.
Tyrone County Board To ‘3D print’ Ricey For Championship
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.
Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.
Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:
“ach aye… no doubt!”
whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.
“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”
Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.
It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.
New ‘Super-Councils’ With Extended Powers Raises Confusion Over Magical Superpowers
Barry McElduff?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The news that 11 new super-Councils are to be created throughout Northern Ireland from the existing 26 and that each is to be given extended powers, has resulted in hundreds of people throughout Tyrone believing that the Councils are actually to be granted magical superpowers.
Following the publication at the weekend of a survey by the Irish Council for Statistics, it appears that entire villages have caught the wrong end of the stick, with an alarming 16% of residents believing that council staff might turn into levitating, shape-shifting, fire-breathing oddballs, all at the tax payer’s expense.
56-year old Harry Patterson of Cabragh told us,
“Being given superpowers like time travel and trigonometry and the like is a bridge too far. It’s a breach of my human rights. I don’t want them council ones spying on me when I’m out in the shed doing stuff. Not that I’m doing anything wrong like. And certainly not with that woman from next door. There’s nothin’ wrong with being neighbourly, you know”, he said defensively.
The view was shared by Jacinta Ferguson, a 42-year old housewife from Urney.
“It’s a waste of damn time. I don’t want the council coming round, self-spawning all over my front garden or manipulating gravity and stuff, when all I want is my gutters rodded. They should get their priorities right”.
“If they end up having superpowers like Spider-Man there’s no saying where it could end”, agreed Tony Laverty from Windmill. “We can’t have people suddenly going into slow motion like in ‘The Matrix’ at the drop of a hat, can we? It would be like that TV programme where all them weird-looking hoors have amazing superpowers. ‘Mastermind’, that’s it”.
Others concurred.
“We might end up with Barry McElduff waltzing through Carrickmore wearing a Batman outfit, and then where would be?” declared Deirdre Hughes from Drumquin. “I have no wish to see that man in tights, let me tell you that. I’m not making that mistake again. If them councillors want a superpower then they can go and teleport themselves to feck”.
Some were more circumspect, with a keen interest in what the superpowers might be.
“Will you maybe be able to get x-ray vision specs from the council?” enquired a 58-year old man from Trillick who didn’t want to be named. “That would be handy right enough, for, like, all sorts of things. And would you be able to see through like material, like say, I don’t know, clothes and suchlike? Just asking”. He added, “And a couple of them super-strength ones like The Hulk could rightly work some wonders for the St Macartan’s hi. Has anyone told Mickey Harte about this?”
58 year old Rebecca O’Neill from Brantry however was much less positive, snorting,
“They should go and speak to the Roads Department. Have you seen the state of my street? In my opinion they’ve been practising invisibility for bloody years”.
The new councils are expected to come into effect in a few months time.
Massive Wall To Be Built Around Garvaghey Complex To Combat Global Warming
Spectator at Owen Roes v Brocagh
Following reports of players frozen on the spot and goalkeepers needing two days of defrosting, Tyrone GAA officials announced that they’re to build a massive wall around their GAA facilities in Garvaghey – potentially becoming one of only a few manmade objects visible from space.
Complaints were made by gaels across the county that the new state-of-the-art complex outside Ballygawley was quite possibly the coldest place on the planet, rivalling Alaska, Russia and the Antarctic. An U16 player from Drumragh claims to have stalled mid-air fielding a kick-out and was only thawed into coming down to earth by several team-mates rubbing at his legs furiously.
County official Kieran McNelis informed us:
“Yes, we’re looking for a contractor to oversee the building of a massive quarter mile high wall around the entire complex to keep out the wind-chill from September til April. Only last week we had the terrible situation of an Owen Roes goalkeeper who, during a lull in play, decided to lick the ice off a goalpost and got his tongue stuck to it. Until the warm water arrived he had shipped in 4 goals. We feel that a massive wall would slow down the effects of global warming.”
Seven linesmen were also hospitalised with stiffness and the inability to let their flag go due to early signs of rigor mortis. McNelis added:
“There was also the unfair advantage afforded to Pomeroy and Galbally lads and lassies who revelled in the cold conditions, having acclimatised to mountain life over 1000s of years. Last week Mickey Harte nearly picked the whole Galbally side to play Derry before the penny dropped about the conditions.”
The building of The Great Wall of Garvaghey will commence in September 2014 and finishes in 2020 with Club Tyrone members having the choice of building half of it or doing the cement mixing.
Peter Canavan Theme Park Set To Open 2015
Peter acting the lig
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
It was confirmed last night that a long-awaited fun park will definitely open in Tyrone next year without doubt, subject to funding, planning applications, sponsors, advertisers, environmental concerns, staffing, and demand for tickets.
‘Canavan World’, a family fun park based around the celebrated and popular GAA Tyrone footballer Peter Canavan, is the brainchild of 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional beard grower and entrepreneur from Ardboe.
“Make no mistake”, announced a bold Kerrigan, “My ambition for a project of this scale knows no bounds. Canavan World is going to be biggest thing this side of Craigavon. Aye, that big. Peter’s some boy and he deserves worldwide recognition. This park will make him more famous than Bono, Sting and His Holiness all put together”.
In a bare-faced show of audacity Kerrigan intends to base the park close to Canavan’s home town of Glencull in direct competition with the nearby Ballygawley play park.
“Fair enough, Ballygawley might have a swing and a slide and a wee bin for smokers, but I’m confident we can go head-to-head with it for the international tourist trade”, declared Kerrigan.
Leaked documents confirm that some of Kerrigan’s proposed ideas and attractions include: –
• ‘The Peter Canavan One-Man Show’ – doesn’t involve the man himself but instead a video replay of the entire 1995 All-Ireland Final against Dublin, when Canavan scored nearly all of Tyrone’s points on his own.
• Church of Canavan. A brand new church dedicated to Peter, blessed by the Vatican, where converts spend three hours a week praying to Vidal Sassoon, patron saint of follicles, for Peter to grow a big bushy head of luxuriant blond hair.
• Peter Canavan Arena. Like Las Vegas but bigger. Malachi Cush to do a 10-year residency, like the ones Elton and Celine do. Ask Philomena to do it when Malachi wants a weekend off.
• Premier showing of ‘The Karate Kick’. Re-make of the 1980’s movie, ‘The Karate Kid’, starring Peter Canavan as an old Japanese man teaching Eoin Mulligan the ancient and mystical secrets of how to elbow a defender in the face without the referee seeing.
• Peter’s Water World. The man himself re-enacts some of his greatest goals, in a tank filled with 3,000 gallons of water and a killer whale.
• Canavan’s ‘Goal-er’ Coaster. A chance to watch Peter’s greatest points whilst travelling at speeds of up to 140mph, whilst sitting beside a cub scout who’s trying to drink orange and eat a cheeseburger.
• Peter Canavan Circus: Featuring Hugo Duncan as the ringmaster, Mickey Harte as the lion tamer, Stephen O’Neill as the strongman, and Joe Brolly as the clown.
Volunteers wishing to get involved with the project should submit a full CV with doctor’s certificate confirming they haven’t lost their marbles, to http://www.doomed-to-fail.com
Richard Haass Also Fails To Resolve Ardboe Christmas Tree Dispute
Coleman and McGuigan
Former US diplomat Richard Haass has admitted defeat for the second time in a couple of days after his efforts to resolve the Ardboe Christmas Tree dispute ended in several parties tearing the heads off each other.
The argument revolved around who will turn off the lights on Ardboe’s first ever Christmas tree. Mickey Coleman, Brian McGuigan, Barry Devlin, Adrian McGuckin, Chris Lawn, Tom McGurk, Malachi Cush, Ronan McSherry, Dennis Taylor, Kevin McAleer, Mickey Harte, Pope Francis and Billy Ray Cyrus were all named as interested parties, each putting forward viable reasons for pulling the plug out.
Haass, who admitted Ardboe was a ‘wild place’ on a par with Kosovo and Sierra Leone, was able to narrow it down to four celebs after intense negotiations:
“We managed to rule out McGuckin and Lawn as we suspected they were there to sabotage the event, being enemies in some shape or form. The cost for the Pope was astronomical. Apart from the flights, the pot holes would wreck the popemobile. No insurance around here. Harte, McAleer, McSherry, Taylor, Cush and McGurk were ruled out next during the eel-skinning demonstration.”
With Coleman, McGuigan, Devlin and Billy Ray Cyrus left, tensions were beginning to reach boiling point with accusations of bribes and counter arguments over ancestry muddying the waters.
“I thought dealing with Robinson and McGuinness was tough. These guys are stubborn. It ended up in a bare-knuckle contest between all four.”
Haass left the scene an hour into the free-for-all, admitting defeat and vowing never to return to the island again.
World’s Wisest Man Found In Brackaville
O’Hanlon, this morning
Last night it emerged that the world’s wisest man is currently living in Brackaville and has lived there all his life. This startling claim was backed up by his wife who says he probably knows everything about everything. Bus shelter painter Leo O’Hanlon (66) maintains he can solve every problem on the planet and beyond, from global warming to not losing odd socks. Leo makes most of his proclamations from a bar stool in any of Coalisland’s famed watering holes.
“Aye he’s some pup,” claimed borderline alcoholic Jemmy Kettle. “Just last night he solved world hunger. Leo says if you plant more oranges, peas, spuds and stuff like that inside greenhouses in Africa then the searing Sahara heat will not affect them. The man’s a genius. On Friday he told us how to beat Kildare. It was simple really but brilliant thinking. He said if you take your points the goals will come. Lo and behold, that’s what happened. This stuff must be filtering back to Mickey”.
O’Hanlon also claims to have solved the recession. He suggests that the bankers do about 140 or 15o charity walks each and the money raised pays off the national debt. His sister, Jackie, added:
“This man’s vast intellect knows no bounds. I remember when he was about 20 or 22 and he was able to answer about maybe a dozen puzzles on Catchphrase on the TV, sometimes even before the contestants did. We used to just stare at him in awe. You could nearly see his brain moving. When he was in P6 at the Primate Dixon the teacher said he was “hateful but potentially bright” in the school report. We knew we had a star on our hands, right here in Brackaville too.”
O’Hanlon was too inebriated last night to comment but even in that state he was able to offer brilliant advice to the girl in Landi’s about how to sprinkle the chips with just the right amount of salt using an unusual wrist action, before being barred for lewd remarks.
Crucial Talks Between Springsteen And Harte Remain Deadlocked
In an unprecedented move, US ambassador for Ireland Hank Power has arrived in Clones to broker a peace deal between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Harte who have been at loggerheads for 24 hours over the timing of Saturday’s concert and Tyrone/Kildare game. Delegations for both parties arrived in Clones on Tuesday morning to thrash out a deal that hoped to see Springsteen delay the start of his concert til about 11pm to cater for the returning Tyrone fans from Newbridge.
After three hours of stalemate, Harte and Springsteen arrived to slug it out head to head with both in bad twist about being woken up. It is understood that Harte promised to win or lose the game in normal time so that there’d be no extra time and all fans and players would be at the King’s Hall by 11 if he delayed it to then. An eye witness told us that Springsteen lost the head:
“Bruce lost the bap completely like. The veins were showing in his neck and he was saying things like ‘You think you’re the boss. I’m the boss goddamit’. Harte was giving it out well. He was shouting ‘Born In The USA? I was born in Glencull and don’t you forget it.’ I thought the boxing was about to start.”
Springsteen attempted a compromise by suggesting he put a big screen up showing the game so that Tyrone supporters could enjoy both at the same time. He said he’d even sing Old Ardboe or the Hills Above Drumquin. Harte rejected the offer, stating that it would affect the players knowing their family and friends were at the concert. Things turned nasty with Springsteen saying the “Glory Days” were well and truly over for Tyrone and that Mugsy should be in the squad. Harte told Bruce he could ‘sing none’ and that in terms of another All-Ireland he was still very much a ‘hungry Harte’.
Talks continue.
Tyrone Weekend Gossip Snippets – March 9/10
ELECTION NEWS
Francie Molloy’s victory in Mid-Ulster have seen a rise in extreme beard-sporting men across the county. Molloy’s fashion statement has been embraced warmly by the locals who wanted a new fad as the Dennis Taylor upsidedown glasses were starting to look dated.
BENBURB SUNDAY
Benburb Sunday organisers have warned Justin Bieber that if he’s late or takes ill during his performance in the townland this summer that they’ll kick ‘seven shades of shite’ out of him. The threat was sent by fax.
MOTHERS’ DAY IN ARDBOE CANCELLED
Mothers’ Day in Ardboe has been postponed for a year after a shop in the village mistakenly advertised it as Mother’s Day, with the apostrophe in the wrong place signalling it was just one mother. Children took this as gospel and neglected to buy anything for their own mothers. Mrs McGuigan is the lucky mother.
STREET LIGHTING IN GREENCASTLE REJECTED BY LOCALS
Greencastle residents have cut down the recently erected street-lighting on the main street. They said it was shining a light on the ‘things’ they do at night.
PLUMBRIDGE ROMANCE
A 21-year old carpenter from The Plum ‘got a woman’ at the Greenvale last weekend. The priest is to mention the success at Mass tonight and the choir have promised to sing the song from Titanic.
GORTIN MONITOR KOREAN CRISIS
The Gortin International War Monitoring Committee have issued a statement saying they’re keeping an eye on ‘them there Koreans’ and that they’re not afraid to ‘start swinging’ if they don’t calm down a bit.
TONY DONNELLY PISSED OFF
Tyrone assistant manager is reportedly ‘pissed off’ at having to stand behind the wire during games with the ‘ordinary plebs from the East’, complaining of wire marks on his hands. Negotiations to do a swop deal every now and again with Mickey are on-going but Harte is refusing to budge, stating an allergy to wire mesh and people close to the lough.
Derrylaughan Apply To UN For Independent State Status
Derrylaughan last night
Following the successful and historic vote on Palestine during the week, Derrylaughan have forward a motion to follow in the Palestinian footsteps in the hope of becoming an independent state with its own currency and language. The small loughshore townland claim they have been misunderstood and discriminated against for over a century, citing the fact that even Mickey Harte doesn’t pick Derrylaughan men for the county team apart from the odd one. Other gripes include bad roads, flooding, midges, lack of investment from American fast food outlets and the absence of a red light district. Harry Corr, a long-time Derrylaughan Seperatist Movement (DSM) member, explains further:
“The Palestinian lads have shown us the path to independence. Derrylaughan has always been treated as the dregs of the county. I remember a Lord Mayor of Dungannon, when asked in the paper how he’d better the county, saying that he’d raise the levels of the Lough to wipe out Derrylaughan so he wouldn’t be ate by midges going to a game down there. Well, fcuk him I say. Them there midges are a part of us, a bit like the aborigines and their didgeridoos. Even the Brocagh ones talk with marbles in their gobs and look down on us as lowland munchies all because Tom McGurk is on the TV. Enough is enough. I wrote a letter to the UN and got a lock of lads in Falls’ pub to sign it. We’re going to call ourselves ‘The United Kingdom of The Lowlands Formerly Known As Derrylaughan (UKOTLFKAD)’. We’ll have our own money, passports and language an all. A brothel is only a matter of time.”
The UN refused to pass comment on the possibility of success but the Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Hervé Ladsous did add “them boys have tried this before. Pat Kennedy filed for independence in 1981 after the county title, citing civil unrest with Derrytresk. We sent a 200-strong delegation only to discover it was a simple 2-man dispute over access to a rampart up near Kingsisland Church. It was a long drive from Brussels to listen to that.”
Corr has already devised a flag for UKOTLFKAD and an anthem called ‘They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out’.
Draft of New Flag
Tyrone Tribulations 