New ‘Super-Councils’ With Extended Powers Raises Confusion Over Magical Superpowers
Barry McElduff?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The news that 11 new super-Councils are to be created throughout Northern Ireland from the existing 26 and that each is to be given extended powers, has resulted in hundreds of people throughout Tyrone believing that the Councils are actually to be granted magical superpowers.
Following the publication at the weekend of a survey by the Irish Council for Statistics, it appears that entire villages have caught the wrong end of the stick, with an alarming 16% of residents believing that council staff might turn into levitating, shape-shifting, fire-breathing oddballs, all at the tax payer’s expense.
56-year old Harry Patterson of Cabragh told us,
“Being given superpowers like time travel and trigonometry and the like is a bridge too far. It’s a breach of my human rights. I don’t want them council ones spying on me when I’m out in the shed doing stuff. Not that I’m doing anything wrong like. And certainly not with that woman from next door. There’s nothin’ wrong with being neighbourly, you know”, he said defensively.
The view was shared by Jacinta Ferguson, a 42-year old housewife from Urney.
“It’s a waste of damn time. I don’t want the council coming round, self-spawning all over my front garden or manipulating gravity and stuff, when all I want is my gutters rodded. They should get their priorities right”.
“If they end up having superpowers like Spider-Man there’s no saying where it could end”, agreed Tony Laverty from Windmill. “We can’t have people suddenly going into slow motion like in ‘The Matrix’ at the drop of a hat, can we? It would be like that TV programme where all them weird-looking hoors have amazing superpowers. ‘Mastermind’, that’s it”.
Others concurred.
“We might end up with Barry McElduff waltzing through Carrickmore wearing a Batman outfit, and then where would be?” declared Deirdre Hughes from Drumquin. “I have no wish to see that man in tights, let me tell you that. I’m not making that mistake again. If them councillors want a superpower then they can go and teleport themselves to feck”.
Some were more circumspect, with a keen interest in what the superpowers might be.
“Will you maybe be able to get x-ray vision specs from the council?” enquired a 58-year old man from Trillick who didn’t want to be named. “That would be handy right enough, for, like, all sorts of things. And would you be able to see through like material, like say, I don’t know, clothes and suchlike? Just asking”. He added, “And a couple of them super-strength ones like The Hulk could rightly work some wonders for the St Macartan’s hi. Has anyone told Mickey Harte about this?”
58 year old Rebecca O’Neill from Brantry however was much less positive, snorting,
“They should go and speak to the Roads Department. Have you seen the state of my street? In my opinion they’ve been practising invisibility for bloody years”.
The new councils are expected to come into effect in a few months time.
Series Of Floods In East Tyrone Sees Locals Develop Fish-like Qualities
Artist’s impression of Loughshore man in 100 years
The prolonged flooding of fields and roads in East Tyrone has resulted in many residents gradually adopting fish-like characteristics such as having pouted lips and being deadly slippery.
Scientists have descended upon the area hoping to find definite signs of aquatic change, investigating a woman from Derrylaughan who has reportedly developed scaly leg syndrome. Professor Herbie McMahon, whose mother originates from Moy, is excited by the prospect:
“Yes, this is class news. I remember the bad floods in Derrytresk four years ago and I personally believe if it hadn’t dried out so soon back then we would have witnessed a whole batch of mermaids and mermen slapping about in that general area. I spent three days hiding in hedges and loanans watching them evolve from normal Derrytreskionians to half-man/half-salmon beings. The women too were pouting like mad and sucking in air, developing those trout-pouts celebrities pay for. One girl started eating worms. No one believes me though.”
Recently, the floods have shown signs of drying up with many fields below the M1 Tamnamore roundabout down to under 8 inches water depth. Prof McMahon insisted time is of the essence:
“We need to act now. There’ll be a few showers this week which will keep these people topped up. I’m told there’s a man developing gills in Brocagh. I also took a spin out to Ardboe this morning to watch the locals return from mass. Parishioners were flapping about all over the road and jumping in and out of streams. Ardboe ones would be slippery enough by nature but this is something else.”
The physical changes have come at a cost though as the predominantly fish-eating locals have begun eyeing each other up and licking their lips at one another whilst making threatening pot-stirring gestures.
‘Health And Safety Gone Mad’ As Tyrone Thieves Forced To Wear Hi-Viz Jackets
Tattyreagh burglar
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The thieving community across the county last night said it was in crisis as the ever-increasing demands of health and safety tookits toll on the criminal fraternity.
Gang leaders claim that they are getting so many compensation claims in from gang members who have injured themselves that they have no alternative but to insist on taking adequate health and safety measures.
“It’s tara boys”, said Kieran, a crook from Fintona. “In the olden days you could steal a whole lock of cattle in a couple of hours and still be in time for last orders. Now I’m not allowed to do it unless I’ve done a two-week course in feckin’ animal husbandry. What’s that all about? It’s almost enough to force you into an honest living”.
But master-thieves were quick to point out they were merely reacting to changes in society. Bill Fagin, the head villain of a gang of thieves from ‘somewhere near the Dooish mountain’, said,
“It’s not our fault. It’s the claims culture. I’m getting demands for compensation left, right and centre. I’ve one boy who’s claiming five grand for having made him ‘allergic to the dark’, and another claiming the same amount after the eejit swallowed nearly a litre of red diesel when he was siphoning it out of a digger near Glenelly, and had to have his stomach pumped. That’s why we now give them manual handling training on how to lift a stolen plasma TV. They might hurt their backs and make a claim. Some handlin’. Literally”.
He went on,
“We can’t have them boys stumbling about in the dark on a remote farm in Killyman or somewhere when they’re trying to steal a lorry. They might bump into something and injure themselves. That’s why they need to wear the hi-viz jackets. And put up floodlighting. Or even better, come back and do it in the daylight. Safety first boys, safety first”.
But most thieves have condemned the actions as being over the top, and for compromising their chances of a clean getaway.
“We had one boy breaking in through the first floor window of a factory in Lissan last week”, confided Hugh, a swindler from Tattyreagh. “But he took so long filling out his ‘Working at Height’ form and putting up scaffolding that he got caught. Jaysus, in the good old days we just climbed up the drainpipe”.
Fully-qualified thief Declan from Plumbridge, was resigned to the changes.
“Aye, I suppose now I’m all trained up I won’t injure myself. I was breaking and entering into a big house in Donaghmore last month and although the risk assessments took over an hour to complete, at least I knew I’d be safe”,
he said, before being led back to his prison cell to complete a two-year sentence.
Caledon Man Receiving Counselling After Venturing Into Wife’s Handbag For Polo Mint
Some handbag
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Caledon man is being treated for what is believed to be post traumatic stress disorder, after venturing into his wife’s handbag to get a Polo mint.
59-year old Fergal Coughlan, a gas-lighter from Caledon, was travelling back from mass with his wife Nellie on Sunday morning when he asked her for a sweet, who instructed him to ‘go into the left hand bit’ of her handbag.
“Jaysus, it was tara boys”, said the distressed Coughlan. “One minute I was asking for a wee sweetie and the next minute it was like falling down thon wormhole in Alice in Wonderland. Remember Mary Poppins’ handbag? It was like that, except with more stuff in it. I’ve seen things that’ll stay with me til I go to the grave”.
Coughlan claims he found a pair of pliers, a half-eaten Marathon bar, a balaclava, a ticket stub for ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’, a verruca sock, an old photo of Kevin McCabe, some paper clips, and a packet of unused strawberry-flavoured condoms.
“I’m disgusted and affronted”, remarked Coughlan. “What on earth was she doing with a Marathon? She doesn’t even like chocolate. And it was covered with mould. It must have been there for years. The nuts nearly broke my teeth it was that bad”.
Coughlan also claims he found half a brick, a pair of castanets, three Betamax video recordings of Starsky and Hutch, a radiator bleed key, ten unused, ripped-up pairs of tickets for Gareth Gates, and a pound of mince.
Commenting on her husband’s traumatic episode, wife Kitty told us,
“He needs to grow a pair. A woman needs all sorts of bits and bobs. Be prepared, that’s my motto. And anyway, he went into the wrong bit. When I said ‘left hand bit’, I meant left hand bit at the front outside, not the inside at the back. The clift”.
“And after all that?” said the despondent husband. “No feckin’ polo mints”.
Man-Flu Epidemic Sweeps Tyrone
Edendork man, today
An exceptionally acute man-flu episode is apparently rifling its way through Tyrone this week, allegedly originating in Ardboe. Today, Strabane men were reportedly suffering from symptoms which suggests the whole county’s male population is now probably affected. Tyrone women, who are immune to the illness, have been exhibiting unusually less-sympathetic-than-normal responses to the epidemic. Con O’Farrell, a poor sufferer from Brackaville, explained the early telltale signs as well as offering advice for fellow male victims.
“Jeepers, it’s deadly boys. I started snifflin on Saturday night and told the woman I couldn’t light the fire cos of it. Although she was suffering from a migrane herself and was 8 months pregnant, she showed no sympathy at all and the slabbers running clean off me like. The other lads around here said their women were the same. No grief atall. The next day I was hurting everywhere and, again…
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Galbally Woman Celebrates Joining Gym With A Slap-Up Sausage Supper
A Galbally teacher has become the first Galballian to join a real gym after signing up to a special offer of £300 a year exclusive membership to the Cookstown Phoenix, and promptly celebrated her decision by treating herself to a Bumper Jumbo Sausage Supper at the mobile van on the road to Omagh.
Henrietta McGirr, a 32 year old teacher of Latin and Dance, took the momentous step after seeing a girl on the TV who ‘looked deadly‘ after joining a gym in America and lost three stone in two years and generally felt ‘awesome‘. After an extensive search, McGirr plumped for the Cookstown Phoenix Complex after its deal was splashed across the Tyrone Courier last week.
“My family said I was mad joining a gym but someone has to do it. They were saying these gym owners pump you full of steroids and make you lift stuff like furniture and bricks so that they can build extensions onto their premises. Well, there’s only one way to find out. People can be so suspicious around these parts.”
McGirr’s father, an ex-professional walker, maintains Henrietta has been hoodwinked:
“Codology. Everyone knows these gym people brainwash you by using magic mirrors that make you look heftier than you are and then when you’re bent over lifting something they run up behind you an inject horse adrenaline into you and then you’re hooked. We’re hoping she’ll wean off it somehow.”
Henrietta remains defiant and whilst wolfing down a sausage surprise in her Ford Focus on the hard shoulder she told us:
“I’m determined to show Galbally that these gyms are legit things. I’ve no interest in following the traditional fitness routine here of lifting dogs and running down the road. Sure even if I just use the showers there it’s £300 well spent in my book”
Brocagh Man Mistakenly On World’s Most Dangerous Criminals Top 5
A Brocagh joiner was been taken off the World’s Most Dangerous Criminals top five list after an investigation into his reputation revealed only a minor offense in 1978.
Jack Davidson, who played full back in the Brocagh Primary School Cannon McNamee trophy winning side in 1975, reported to UN authorities a feeling that he was being spied upon for over 30 years by the American government ever since stealing a Mars Bar from Falls’ shop in the summer of 1978.
A relieved Davidson admitted:
“I’m just delighted this nightmare is over. People thought I was going mad when I told them men wearing dark shades and talking down their sleeves were following me wherever I went. Even at Brocagh Sports Day they’d be hiding in the lough, like scuba-spies or something. I don’t know how this happened. All I did was nick a Mars Bar to give to a blade I was going with from Derrylaughan. I was only 13 like.”
American officials admitted their error after an internal investigation revealed the words ‘stole a Mars Bar’ was mistakenly typed in as ‘international terrorist’. He has since left the company of Al Capone and Charles Manson in the all-time danger list.
“Yes, this is a cock-up. We’ve spent $1.3m following this man around Brocagh and the surrounding areas for 30 years now. All we ever got on him was the time in 1985 when he got tore into a bottle of Bushmills and ran naked through the fields of Ballybeg for a laugh. It was only him, a few cows and two of our men camouflaged in a tree. What a waste of money.”
Davidson took this opportunity to apologize again to Falls’ shop for the theft and offered to do odd jobs around the premises to make up for his indiscretion 36 years ago.
Whole Of Tyrone To Boycott Spuds
39 towns and villages in Tyrone have agreed to boycott potatoes “for the foreseeable future” after thousands of complaints about how they’re being treated in restaurants and cafes across the county since the 1990s. Customers have finally had enough of being offered continental dishes from baked potatoes to potato wedges when all they ask for is a plate of spuds.
Eskra farmer, Mike Kelly (71), explained their annoyance:
“You go out for a feed of spuds and the waiter rhymes off a rake of fancy dishes like roast potatoes or some other la-de-da stuff like that. What does a man have to do to get a slap of pitters? People are watching them food TV shows like Mastermind Chef or Can’t Dine With Me and now think they’re deadly at the cookin. Not a spud will be bought in this county til people get back to basics.”
Ballygawley restaurant owner John Lally admits this is the nuclear option they never anticipated:
“We’re banjaxed now. If we want to get a Michelin Star for our establishments, or even a half decent review in the local paper, we have to offer dishes that outsiders or experts eat like garlic spuds or potato soup. But our bread and butter daily clientele are giving us some savage abuse every day now. Last week our most loyal customer threatened to burn the joint down because we weren’t doing ‘plain spuds on a plate and nothing else’. What a county!”
The first ‘Save Our Spud’ rally takes place on Wednesday night in Galbally with organisers promising ‘a slap of floury balls’ for all attendees.
Meanwhile, the Garvaghey bobsleigh announced they plan to enter the 2018 Winter Olympics and are training flat out up at the new GAA complex which retains a sub-zero temperature 12 months a year.
Moy Locals Ordered To ‘Do Themselves Up A Bit’ After Moy Park World Cup Announcement
Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.
Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:
“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”
Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:
“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”
Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:
“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”
Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.
Carland Man Patents New Flying Machine: ‘The Airborne Trampoline’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A radical proposal from a Carland man that could revolutionise air travel was published yesterday, following thousands of trampolines throughout the county literally lifting off in the fierce storms since last Wednesday,
“It’s obvious when you think about it”, said wild-eyed, would-be inventor, 42-year old Danny Hughes. “All this time we’re driving like eejits down to Belfast or Aldergrove and spending a lock of pounds to catch an airyplane, when half the time the answer’s quite literally sitting in our own back yard. This is some invention boys. It’s the best thing since thon two boys invented the flying machine all them years ago. Was it the Mitchell brothers?”
The storms in recent days has seen numerous trampolines throughout the county being blown over and in many cases into neighbouring properties and fields.
“Them trampolines is born travellers”, said Hughes. “They’ve got the wanderlust in them. They just can’t wait to pack their wee trampoline bags and go travelling. So why not go with them?”
When pressed to provide a detailed technical specification on how the airborne trampoline system might work in practice, Hughes was somewhat vague, although the process seemed to centre on lashing someone to a trampoline with a big piece of blue rope, waiting for the wind to get up, and hoping for the best.
Hughes put his invention to the test by tethering himself to his daughter’s trampoline for four hours on Thursday evening, before coming back into the house suffering from mild frostbite and suspected pneumonia. The inventor was however upbeat about the episode, saying that patience was required.
“Listen. Trampolines is like bulls. They’re temperamental critters. That’s why they keep fecking children out the bouncy bit all the time and breaking their arms. You need to be gentle”.
He went on,
“I saw this one trampoline on Wednesday night in our neighbour’s garden. Jays, it was the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen. It just lifted up, seemed to pause for a second, then it soared like a mighty eagle into the night sky. Fair enough, it then crashed down on top of their Nissan Cherry, but still”.
Travolta To Appear In Coalisland For Grease Production?
Coalisland man today
Speculation is rife this morning in Tyrone that John Travolta might be playing a major role in the Coalisland Na Fianna production of Grease in early March, according to local sources. The identity of the roles for Danny and Sandy have been kept under wraps since rehearsals began weeks ago, with many speculating on various celebs such as Dennis Taylor, Peter Kay’s mother, Damien O’Hagan, Anne Brolly and Peter Herron.
However, late last night, three Coalisland men were spotted getting into a car on Lineside and shouting about ‘headin to the airport’ and ‘yee-har’. One of the Grease backroom team admitted John Travolta was on their radar:
“To be honest I’m worried. Our first performance is Friday 7th March and we probably should have approached Travolta before now. Anyhow, we’ve sent our three best negotiators to America to convince John to head over here and give us what we want. It was hard trekking him down online on facebook and stuff so the lads said they’ll get the first flight to anywhere in America and just ask about when they get there.”
The identity of Sandy also remains a mystery with strong talk of Damien O’Hagan in drag being a possibility. Local hairdresser Jenny Timlin reckons the chemistry between Travolta and O’Hagan is mouth-watering:
“I’m weak at the knees even thinking about that possibility. There’ll be a whole lotta shaking going on. Even house in Coalisland has a picture of JFK, the Pope and Damien O’Hagan. John and Damien singing ‘You’re The One That I Want’ in harmony would make millions if released. We’re hopelessly devoted to O’Hagan around the parts. There’ll be tears on my pillow if they don’t go together.”
Local PP Fr Hampsey warned the production team they’ll be monitoring the show closely:
“Shows like this should only be for summer nights. If Travolta shakes his hips like a hound dog and gets the wemen screaming, he’ll be put into the boot of my motor and driven to Aldergrove like lightning. Dennis Taylor too. O’Hagan can do what he wants.”
This event will take place on Friday March 7 and Saturday March 8 at 8:00 pm.
Dregish Psychic To Give Up Clairvoyanting After Complaints From Spirit World
Nuala
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local clairvoyant has given in to pressure to stop pestering the souls of the departed after numerous complaints were made via another medium.
58-year old Nuala Brannigan from Dregish has been communicating with the spirit world for 35 years, but agreed yesterday to give it up after an unprecedented number of complaints.
Niall O’Neill, an 800-year old ghost originally of Cloughfin, said,
“She’s a pain in the arse. She’s always on the ouija board asking what the football results are going to be, or the Lotto numbers. As if we know. Just last week she was wanting to know where she had put her Heat magazine, and then blaming us lot for having shifted it. Gadzooks. Can she not just leave us alone? We’re fed up with being pestered. I’ve a whole lock of haunting and ghostly rattling to be getting on with and can hardly do it with that woman bending my ear all the time. And anyway, what’s a Heat magazine? And a football?”
550-year old hangman Ezra Maguire agreed.
“In the olden days people used to enquire about loved ones they had lost or maybe the whereabouts of a sentimental family heirloom. This woman’s constantly demanding ‘horse race winners’ this, or ‘Winning Streak’ that. Anyway, what century is it?”
Conor Kendall, who died in a baking accident in 1963, told us:
“I came into limbo expecting to get a bit of peace and quiet, and it’s nothing of the sort. I’ve got a ‘ghostly haunting’ exam this Friday and I haven’t even bought any chains yet”.
The challenges of being from another world were also pointed out by Kevin the Terrible, a former Viking from Urney who died in 2009.
“It’s not easy being spooky”, he agreed. “Last night I was out working walking the ramparts near the Rock for about eight hours. Jaysus, I was foundered. Well, I would have been if it wasn’t for the fact I’m already dead. It took my ectoplasm an age to thaw out. And to cap it all I had that woman Brannigan inside my bap asking where her car keys were”.
In her defence, Brannigan replied,
“Ah, come on. All I’m after is a wee bit of information most of the time. Where’s the harm in that? It’s the only option I’ve got, because the internet signal in Dregish is rubbish so I can’t get Google. And I’m hardly going to go all the way to Dungannon library to find out how to change the sump on my washing machine if I can get it from the undead”.
The ghost world confirmed that the last straw came on Monday after Brannigan spent over an hour harassing spirits about a number of different topics, including whether Tyrone’s new A5 road extension will ever get built, what setting to use for making a Baked Alaska, and the answer to Channel 4’s Countdown conundrum.
Brackaville Men ‘Most Desirable On Planet’ Says American Magazine
Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally
In an article titled ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back’, an American lifestyle magazine ‘Hotter’ remarkably claimed last week that Brackaville men are every woman’s fantasy as well as every other man’s nightmare. The publication, which is read by 12 million people across the States, based their findings on three Brackaville men who holidayed in Los Angeles recently and wooed local women with their knowledge of engines and drinking.
Hillary Scott, Relationship Expert for the magazine, explained further:
“I think their surnames were Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally. They arrived over on the Sunday and by Wednesday half of LA were hanging around their front door, pretending to have car problems. I myself pulled up saying my vehicle was spluttering. Well Gillis, in his flannelette checked shirt unbuttoned to his naval, oily arms and sweet smell of grass, came over and kicked my tyres several times. He obviously knew what he was doing. Then in those dulcet Irish tones he said ‘she’s a baste of a motor thon’. Well I swooned.”
Not all were enamoured with their presence as husbands and boyfriends sulked at home whilst their ladyfriends talked nonstop over phones and texts about ‘going Brack’ for a night.
“We were glad to see the back of those dudes,” Hank Young told us. “Our womenfolk were drooling in their sleep. And I can see why. They gave off the impression they hadn’t washed in weeks and slept in their clothes. How can an American man compete with that wild rugged look? And they can drink. Boy they can down them.”
Meanwhile Brackaville’s plans to have ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back‘ on their signpost coming out of Coalisland have been scuppered by Aughabrack who claim to have patented the phrase years ago.
Derry To Hand Moneymore, Ballyronan And The Loup Over To Tyrone
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
Moneymore from a distance
There was great wailing and gnashing of what was left of teeth along both sides of the Derry/Tyrone border this week after an unauthorised and possibly nefarious offer was made by a Bann Valley based website to hand over large sections of the Barony of Loughinsholin to the custody of the O’Neill County.
The exchange would see the village of Moneymore, the hamlet of Ballyronan and an unidentified entity described simply as, ‘The Loup’, secede immediately without any local consultation or financial compensation. A spokesperson for the website concerned explained;
“Luxy, we see this as the beginning of a rolling process. A quick look (very quick look) at the Annals of Ulster clearly shows that the entire barony was originally under control of the Earls of Tyrone and this is borne out in the nomenclature we still see today. Take for example the village of Glenone, the townland of Ballyfrankiequinn and there is a fella in Maghera who is sometimes called, ‘Hugh Roe’.
The spokesman denied accusations linked to 30 year old emails which were forwarded anonymously to Tyrone Tribulations that the entire plan was an elaborate feint aimed at giving away large parts of County Derry until the only two Gaelic football teams left in the senior championship would be St. Oliver Plunkett’s of Greenlough and Newbuildings outfit, St. Oliver Cromwell’s GAC.
“That’s a big pile a shite, we would never give up Bellaghy and risk losing its two principal natural resources, Starry Plough flags and potential poetry.”
We contacted our own legal team on the matter and they have advised us that nothing in law prevents such a transferral but cautioned that under a un-repealed bylaw of 1741, any such conveyance of territory would result in both counties being obliged to hand over their ‘Cladys’ to a third party, namely Armagh. That county’s solicitors, Diesel, Apples and Diesel, issued the following communique;
“We would be only too delighted to accommodate these villages within our boundaries. They would be such diverse additions to our already cosmopolitan collective. Tyrone’s Clady is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county whereas Clady in south Derry is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county!”
Understandably the good people of Tyrone (and the inhabitants of The Brantry) were more than a little suspicious that this deal seemed too good to be true but we have been assured that there is no catch. Portglenone.wordpress.com explained;
“In making this offer, we have only one small request and that is that we first be allowed to make a tiny alteration to the coastline of Lough Neagh…….
…..seems reasonable.”
Valentine’s Day In Tyrone – Out And About
Unlikely romance?
This morning we hit the roads and loanans of Tyrone and randomly stopped people wandering about to find out if romance is alive and well in the county in 2017:
“Aye, I pulled out all the stops this morning. I lifted my underwear out of the shower after I’d finished and even showered faster so she has some hot water left. Tonight she’s getting a surprise slap-up sausage supper and a can of coke from Landi’s. Deadly stuff altogether.” LEO MCCANN, COALISLAND
“Some feckin chance. Romance to that man is me dressing up like Brian Dooher. Did that last year so never again. He hinted at me pretending to be Chris Lawn this time. I toul him where to go.” ANNE QUINN, ARDBOE
“I don’t get it. I bought her an exercise bike. Even put a ribbon on it. She gave me some skelpin.” SEAN MCELVINNEY, STRABANE
“The hoor bought me a heart-shaped box of Ferrero Rocher, and ate half of them on the way home. Says he was starving and he only went to Dungannon to get them.” EILISH MORGAN, EDENDORK
“Some bollocks. He got me a card in Chinese, unsigned. He says it was the only one left, and he wanted to use it next year too. Needless to say, a toe up the hole was swiftly executed.” SIOBHAN MCATEER, BALLYGAWLEY
“4 Hubcaps and then a breakfast table for two at the KFC. Then he forgot the wallet.” JENNY KELLY, AUGHER
“A hedge skimmer. I says what am I going to do with that. He just shrugged and said it was on sale.” KIM LENIHAN, TATTYREAGH
US Government Demand Words ‘Deadly’ and ‘Lethal’ Be Outlawed In Tyrone
En route to Strabane
White House officials have confirmed that they will take direct action on Mid-Ulster residents if they persist on using ‘deadly’ and ‘lethal’ in everyday speak, if local councils don’t enforce the ruling themselves. Obama’s Press Vice-Secretary Jake Power reiterated the need for immediate ruling on this issue in order to prevent international intervention:
“We have liaised with officials in Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Magherafelt for two years now over this issue and it looks like they’ve done nothing about it. We intercept thousands of calls all over Europe and if anyone is on the phone to someone from Tyrone all you hear is ‘deadly’ this and ‘lethal’ that which results in our Secret Service Officers going into overdrive. Last week we were listening to a French politician who was talking to a farmer in Strabane about cattle products. The phrase ‘lethal crack in our barn’ was used and we had six fighter pilots on their way to Central Airforce in the middle of the night. West Tyrone could have been nuked.”
Cookstown Council have responded by confirming they have cracked down on the word ‘deadly’ by using on-foot volunteers on the Main Street telling people they hear using that word to tone it down a bit. Volunteer Pat McGrane from The Rock admits it’s a thankless task:
“I’ve had three slaps already. Just this morning I heard an old lady telling her friend that that her husband was a ‘deadly man’ for the scratching at night. I asked her to perhaps think about using a different word and she gave me a mouthful and a dig across the jaw. It’s not worth it. The Americans need to be more tolerant to our ways.”
In other news the White House have also rejected Donegal’s bid to become a part of America.
Massive Cloud Apologises For Downpours Over Tyrone
Roisin
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A gigantic rain cloud currently sitting over Tyrone has apologised unreservedly for dropping almost 4 million tons of rainwater on the region over the past week.
Roisin Devlin, a 3-mile long cumulonimbus cloud, who is currently moving slowly westwards over Omagh at 3,000 feet, made the apology after unexpectedly drenching thousands of unsuspecting residents on Wednesday, who appeared surprised that rain might fall in Tyrone in February.
“Ooh, I was affronted”, squeaked the enormous mass of condensed water vapour. “I thought if I could just make it over to Lough Neagh where I could do my business in comfort without bothering anyone I’d be fine, but I just couldn’t. I was bursting. I got as far as Dungannon before it all just gushed out over a six-hour period. It went all over the place. I’ve never been so embarrassed. Tara”.
The rain cloud confessed that it had not helped the situation.
“I’ve been to see a meteorologist, who was a lovely man, and he said I should cut down on the precipitation. Well, easy for him to say, but see, whenever I hover over sea water up by Donegal and all that lovely stuff starts to evaporate, I just can’t help myself stuffing myself. I’ve no willpower. And I do like coming over to Tyrone. I don’t know what it is about the county, but every time I’m there I just seem to get really full and bloated and before I know it I’ve just lost control. Maybe it’s an age thing, once you get to a certain time of life. I am two months old after all”.
The cloud went on to confide,
“I’ve also been very windy recently. I’m a slave to it. I think it might be hereditary because my grandfather used to be a grade one typhoon in the mid-west in Americay. That’s who I get it from. And I have a cousin over in the south of England at the moment, and he’s even worse. Just can’t keep it in”. The cloud went on, “And do you know, it doesn’t help having a fear for heights. You try looking down from 3,000 feet and see what it does to your waterworks”.
The cloud is currently in a relationship with a bank of fog near Drumquin.
Tyrone Schools Back Controversial Upheaval Of GCSE English Literature Syllabus
Shakespeare – a load of balls?
All post-primary schools in Tyrone were united today in their support for the new GSCE English Literature exam which will see traditional texts such as Shakespeare, O’Casey, Hemmingway and WB Yeats replaced with the writings of Ronan McSherry, Alan Rodgers, Kevin Hughes and Catherine Wylie amongst others.
President of the Tyrone Schools United Committee, Master McGrath, explained the reasoning behind their stance:
“To be honest, we’re sick of reading that Romeo prancey nonsense. Who in their right mind talks like that now, apart from a lock of families in Donaghmore? Then you’ve Yeats waffling on about swans or Easter. Give me a critical analysis of the writings of Ronan’s Rant in the Herald any day: “taunting the Man U fans was like poking a rottweiler with a stick” is lyrically magical and far better than anything Wilfred Owen ever attempted.”
McGrath added that he’s very much looking forward to seeing his students get their teeth into Alan Rodgers’ match reports, Catherine Wylie’s account of the Nigella Lawson case or Sheena McStravick’s take on the botox addiction in Mid-Ulster. He added:
“We need to get people reading for enjoyment. We have a wealth of literary talent in the county, instead of analysing the Macbeth codswallop. Ciaran Woods wrote an article last year on the pain of playing with in-grown toenails and it had me in tears. Such emotion. Our children need to be brought up on this stuff, not the pure balls William Wordsworth was spouting.”
Students will be allowed to choose two of their own modules alongside a compulsory module on Owen Mulligan’s latest book.
Fears For New Docu-Soap To Hit TV Screens Next Month: ‘The Only Way Is Eglish’
Bustling Eglish
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The release of a new Tyrone-based TV programme may be put on hold after producers declared the show ‘untransmittable’.
‘The Only Way Is Eglish’, was intended to be a ‘scripted reality’ docu-soap that told the story of six twenty-somethings living the high life together in the popular and bustling Dungannon suburb of Eglish.
However, a number of ‘insurmountable differences’, including cast members walking out, have put the series in jeopardy.
“We were sold a pup”, declared furious TV producer Tarquin Ramirez from England. “We were told that Eglish people lived in the high-class part of Tyrone, like Chelsea in London, except posher. Turns out they’re nothing of the sort. The communication barrier’s impossible. We tried putting sub-titles onto the screen for the English and the hard-of-thinking, but to honest we’re none the wiser”.
Researchers spent three hours last Sunday trying to translate the phrase, ‘Thon bale o’ hay’s couped, ye clift. Get it red up. It’s banjaxed’, believing it to be an obscure form of Irish dialect, whilst one of the cast members stormed out after refusing to stop licking his plate during mealtimes.
“We had hoped to broadcast TOWIE with them chatting about stuff like Belfast, life, relationships and partying”, complained Ramirez. “Instead we filmed them last night talking about the best way to siphon diesel out a car in the pitch black without it getting on your dungarees. For two hours. Solid. And that was just the girls. It’s not going well. And they seem to be calling us all sorts of unpronounceable names, and I’ve no idea whether they’re compliments or otherwise. The language barrier’s a nightmare. What’s a ‘fecking hallion’? Any idea?”
Series consultant and local man-on-the-ground Gerard Donnelly from Dungannon, who was responsible for luring the bright lights of London to Eglish, admitted,
“Between me and you, I told the cast to act up a bit fancy for the auditions, you know, a bit la-di-da. Wee Hugh McNeice even bought himself a new pair of clogs. But I know there’s been problems. I had high hopes for wee ‘Shagger’ Devine, who’s only 21 but loves partying and fighting and going out and getting slaughtered. That would make for lively TV. But to be honest, I don’t think she was very happy with the nickname and refused to be filmed. I don’t know why”.
It is understood that Ramirez is privately drawing up a contingency plan to adapt the footage for an entirely different television concept, entitled, ‘Zombies Say The Funniest Things’.
Pope Warns Garth Brooks ‘No More Concerts In Ireland’
NO MORE CONCERTS!
Following the news that Garth Brooks has sold out for a fifth night in Ireland this summer, the Vatican have sent a stark warning to Brooks’ PR team that they will take a dim view of any more concerts, which threatens to break the Pope’s record of a 3 million audience in 1979.
Brooks will play to almost half a million fans in July and music experts reckons he could sell out 10 times that if he really wanted to, although today’s statement from Pope Francis has put an end to that idea promptly. A Vatican insider, nicknamed Fr Hurson from Edendork Co Tyrone, told us:
“Yes, we take great pride in the 3 million Pope John Paul II pulled in in 1979. If Brooks thinks he can ride in on his stetson and top that then he’s deluded. Just in case he is a Catholic, we will excommunicate him if he has any more concerts. We have friends in high places, Brooks.”
Fr Hurson continued:
“Like, he’s being a bit of a dick about this. JPII pulled in 300’000 in Galway alone. Let’s see Brooks do that on a cold windy day in Tuam. Some chance. That day, tomorrow or not, will never come. Pope Francis is ripping about this.”
Meanwhile, Derrytresk GAA are confident they can secure the presence of Brooks for the opening of their third Guinness pump in the bar during his stay in the country. Club secretary Hughie Hanna is cocksure of his services:
“We emailed him last week and asked would he come to the Hill for the unveiling of the third Guinness pump in the clubrooms. He hasn’t replied but as my ma used to say ‘no news is good news’ so we’re fairly sure he’ll do it. He’ll get sandwiches and mineral and maybe he’ll hum us a tune or two.”
Tyrone Tribulations 