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Madonna Twitter Row Sees East and West Tyrone Relations Plummet To All-Time Low
Incident divided Tyrone
What started out as a harmless comment on Twitter concerning Madonna’s fall at an awards ceremony during the week has turned nasty with a clear West v East split emerging from the online spat.
Omagh teacher Pat Dougan (@horseitintoye) initiated the debate when he innocently tweeted
“Holy smokes, Madonna fell there on the TV”
at 9:45 on Wednesday night. Within minutes, tension escalated quickly when Mary Farrell (@badgerlass) from Brocagh replied at 9:46:
@horseitintoye Nice comment there, Mr Obvious
Unable to ignore the slight, Dougan retorted:
@badgerlass How about you learn some manners, ye prick
Which led to the following dialogue:
@horseitintoye – Ah, shut up ye grumpy oul bollocks
@badgerlass – You’re some girl. Typical Brocagh woman
@horseitintoye – Say it til my face ye slabber
@badgerlass – Yiz are all the same down there. Tramps.
@horseitintoye I’ll go up there and bate the bollix off a ye
@badgerlass – aye, in yer horse and cart. Don’t bring yer diseases please
@horseitintoye – aye, yer ma is yer sister, dick. Westie pansy.
@badgerlass – stupid hoor.
The high-stakes dialogue continued until after midnight with over 300 twitter users weighing in behind either Dougan or Farrell, with landmarks (e.g. Ardboe Cross v the Tin Men), footballers (e.g. Frank McGuigan v Ryan McMenamin), politicians (e.g.Michelle O’Neill v Barry McElduff) petrol prices and weather all used as weapons in the heated exchanges.
With no let up in the argument the following morning, and amidst threats of ‘arriving up with a crowd of our ones‘ from both sides, Twitter was moved to suspend over 700 accounts from the county for 24 hours in order to dampen emotions and calm the situation.
The Tyrone Tourism Board are to meet this evening to brainstorm ideas on how to repair east v west relations, with a ‘sharing and exchange of home-made gifts’ somewhere near the Ballygawley roundabout the firm favourite.
37 Shades Of Tattyreagh Documentary A Commercial Success
An ambitious project to capture romantic liaisons in Tattyreagh has been hailed as a masterpiece after the documentary ’37 Shades of Tattyreagh’ premiered in Omagh last night.
Tattyreagh, a sleepy townland on the outskirts of Omagh, has long been hailed as the Tyrone equivalent of the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival, with countless tales of marital bliss from those born and bred in the area.
In the documentary, Tattyreagh women were asked to describe what a typical romantic clench with their partner would involve, with camera crews capturing the most intimate moments for the director Barry Moran.
Susie McCabe, a 48 year old wax therapist described her bedroom antics:
“At well Pat would come in to the bedroom around 11, covered in engine oil, peel off the dungarees and just say ‘brace yourself, woman‘. It never really veers off that plot-line really. And sure, it works for me. 3 minutes later I’m back to reading The Reader’s Digest and he’s rambling on about clutches and brake pads.”
Although the camera crew caught one of the embraces, their faces were fuzzed out, keeping McCabe’s identity secret.
The women of Tattyreagh were also lauded as romantically up there with the French as fly-on-the-wall cameras caught romantic moments in kitchens and bedrooms up and down the Letfern Road.
One of the most emotional moments involved John Quinn coming home from work with a bunch of 8-day old flowers from a petrol station in order to make amends after their row over a burnt black pudding the morning. With tears in her eyes, as well as in the eyes of the cinema audience, Janet Quinn leads her husband up stairs as the camera fades out. All that can be heard is Mrs Quinn softly saying:
“Lob it into me, boss”
followed by a ‘yahooo’ from her husband, earning a round of applause from last night’s cinema goers.
37 Shades of Tattyreagh can be seen across many cinemas this week in the county, rated 18.
Worzel Gummidge Was Based Typical West Tyrone Man, Admits Producers
West Tyrone man?
Worzel Gummidge, a scarecrow that could come to life and lived in Ten Acre Field, was modelled on any number of men you’d find wandering aimlessly around Omagh, Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Strabane or Dromore according to two producers who worked on the show during 1979 and 1981.
Gummidge, whose catchphrase was ‘A cup o’ tea an’ a slice o’ cake‘, was played by John Pertwee with his love interest coming from Aunt Sally acted by Una Stubbs.
In his memoir, producer Kenny Rainhome admitted:
“I was visiting cousins in Tyrone in 1978 and was amazed at the way nearly every fellow was the same as the next: black hats, straw hair, straw hands, muddied face and funny way of talking. And then they’d just be standing in fields looking about. I loved them so I thought I’d pay homage to their existence.”
The West Tyrone Preservation Society have reacted angrily to the revelation but admitted they’re not surprised:
“We’re proud of our men. And so what if they keep a lot of straw about themselves? Sure in England all the men are on drugs and wear wigs and stuff. But this does not come as big news to us. Sure wasn’t The Muppets based on the decision of the Moortown jury to award Mary Quinn from Ballinderry as Miss Wrangler Jeans 1966 when Sarah O’Neill from Brocagh had a far better chassis on her.”
There are no plans to reboot Worzel Gummidge.
Man Warns Frank Mitchell After Buying Snow Shovel and Bags Of Salt
McMahon, waiting
An Omagh cupboard fitter has issued a stark warning to UTV’s weatherman Frank Mitchell that he’ll ‘take his head clean off‘ if it doesn’t snow heavily over the next two days after forking out £12 on a new shovel and three small bags of road salt.
Pat McMahon (66), who was caught out three years ago by a heavy show shower and got soaked right through to his vest and pants despite many fore-warnings from BBC and UTV, maintains he could have spent the money on scratch cards or drink but didn’t want to be called names again after the last time.
“The local wags labelled me soaky-knickers and stuff like that after I got drenched in a blizzard whilst out daylight lamping with my pet labrador Bubbles. I didn’t heed Mitchell the last time but on this ocasion I’m ready for it. I’ll be annoyed now if it doesn’t come. In fact I’ll bust him if it doesn’t lay at least 7 cms. Head clean off with the shovel.”
Tensions are already high in Omagh regarding the same weatherman after he was accused of not trying hard enough to create a decent cryptic clue for the town during his ‘Where Was Our Weather Watching Camera?’ segment. For the 9th time in six years, Mitchell has told the viewers ‘what you say when your mother passes wind‘ whilst showing a picture of Omagh in the background, before excitedly answering ‘Oh, Ma!’ and laughing heartily to himself.
‘He’s not even trying now. That’s three times this year he has used that same cryptic clue. What about ‘it sounds like you’re in Armagh but not quite‘ or something deadly hard like that. Come on Frank – a bit of respect like.”
McMahon had reportedly still not used the shovel as of 7pm.
Two Women Take Head Clean Off Each Other Over Shop’s Last Family Circle Biscuits
Shop owners have been urged to remind shoppers that their premises will be open again in a couple of days after police were called to the Spar in Brackville due to a violent brawl over the last tin of Family Circle Delux Edition biscuits.
The incident occurred hours after three brothers in Tattyreagh were cautioned for fighting over a case of Shloer in Omagh earlier in the day. Government officials have called on all retail outlets to remind shoppers that goods will be available for purchase in under 48 hours and that there was no word of an apocalypse or extreme weather conditions for the foreseeable future.
The Brackaville brawl occurred after two neighbours spotted the final tin of Family Circle sitting in the middle of an aisle with a big £4.99 sign dangling over them. Shopper Brian Carland witnessed the clash:
“It was like a scene out of a Clint Eastwood film. The two women were equ-distance from the tin and descended on their prize like rockets. Next, all you could see were hair clips and bras flying all over the shop as they tore strips off each other. The odd thing was that both trollies were full of cakes and biscuits and stuff. Them Family Circle must be good.”
Police warned both women regarding future behaviour and reminded one of the perpetrators that she’d already bought two normal boxes of Family Circle as well as a 5-pack of Ginger Nuts.
Meanwhile a family of four in Fintona are said to be distraught after only managing to secure a 20lb turkey, as their appetites are far bigger now than last year. They are willing to accept generous food parcels.
88% of Facebookers Admit Life Is Not As Awesome As Previously Portrayed Online
Well, are ye?
A hard-hitting door-to-door survey has confirmed that most prolific Facebookers’ lives are not as spectacularly perfect as previously portrayed, with many admitting they didn’t think the photo of their mate was ‘stunning’ despite categorically stating it was.
The survey, which was commission by Cynics Ireland, tailed over 400 Facebook users for three months by monitoring where users ‘checked in’ and sending a member out to confirm whether or not the poster was, indeed, having ‘a ball’. The study confirmed that a significant majority of posts which claimed ‘great times, great friends’ actually involved the supposed revellers talking quietly in corners, showing each other how many people liked or commented on their status update.
The most startling finding concerned the use of the adjective ‘stunning’ in the Facebook comments section. Under severe interrogation, an anonymous Facebooker told us:
“I’ll be honest. I only write ‘stunning’ in case I post a photo of meself soon after. You’d like to think they’d return the compliment so that I, in turn, can be all pleased with myself. The last ‘stunning’ I wrote was a blatant lie. It was the worst I’d seen our Mary look actually.”
79% of Facebookers also admitted to posting an obscure message about their supposed bad mood in order to receive at least three ‘U OK HUN?’ messages to make them appear mysterious and deep thinking. An Omagh Facebooker admitted:
“I have a whole jotter of cryptic updates such as ‘never again’ or ‘some people just don’t deserve my friendship’ just to get a bit of sympathy going or to keep myself talked about. It never fails to encourage a couple of ‘U OK’ or ‘Stay strong honey’ replies, especially if I don’t explain myself. Great for the oul self-esteem.”
Meanwhile, the study revealed Facebookers, on average, can’t stand the sight of 68% of their friends despite liking 91% of their comments.
“I Can’t Believe I Was So Stupid” Says Recently Married Groom
An Omagh barman is considering filing for divorce one week after ‘the happiest day of his life‘ and has urged all men not to make the same mistakes he did during his courtship phase.
Kevin Donnellan (55), who married his partner after 18 months of romancing, arrived home from work on his first day back at Hoody’s Pub only to find his new bride on her second bottle of vodka with her false teeth sitting on the table beside her, singing sorrowful songs about emigration to America.
“Not only did I not know she drank, I wasn’t aware she didn’t have her own teeth. None of them. But she’s a deadly singer.”
Donnellan revealed it took more than 15 minutes for confirmation that the woman swaying on his settee was the woman he’d married a week ago.
“I noticed a scar she has on her shoulder from when she was bitten there by a mink when fishing near Drumragh in the 70s. I can’t believe I didn’t know she had false teeth. To be fair, I wouldn’t be deadly into the kissing but looking back now I remember hearing a constant clacking sound every time we were at the matinee in the cinema.”
The genial barman also believed his wife was a tee-totaler but also admits he rarely saw his wife-to-be after 6pm since they started courting:
“She told me she’d be deadly tired at 5pm so I’d leave her home and pick her up the next day around 1pm and right enough she always had dark sunglasses on her. I urge all lads to spend a few days with their wives before taking the plunge. You need to have a good look at her first thing in the morning.”
Donnellan has yet to decide whether or not to give up on the marriage at this early stage, adding that she still looked rightly with her teeth out for a 53 year old and if he could get her onto the whiskey it could be something they could share whilst singing about old rebellions and risings.
Dismay As Joe McMahon Ruins Omagh Reputation By Wearing Apron
McMahon’s Choice
Omagh residents are said to be furious and ‘pure ripping’ after Joe McMahon was spotted wearing an apron whilst standing at his front door looking at his garden, with a pair of kitchen gloves under his arm.
Having finally shaken off the ‘soft townies’ label which had been unfairly bestowed upon them since the 60s, McMahon’s moment of madness is expected to mean only an All-Ireland title will see the club to return to their recent image transformation.
Pat Monteith, a lifelong clubman and former player of the 80s, admitted:
“It’s like all the good work has been wiped out in the space of 10 seconds. Winning Tyrone and getting to the Ulster final had finally killed off the soft townies perception we’d been wrongly landed with. Joe had been a big part of that. Now he goes and puts on an apron and heads outside. Either his head’s cut or Larry Strain has put him up to this to get the siege mentality going again.”
To make matters worse, it has been reported he was wearing a novelty apron depicting Wonder Woman’s dress. Monteith’s couldn’t hide his anger at this revelation:
“Ah holy god. Them Slaughtneil lads will be all over this. Joe’ll have to lay down a marker straight away and take the head clean off their star player. It’s his duty now. I’m pure rippin.”
McMahon has yet to confirm or deny the apron but a close friend told us he was an avid chef and regularly tries out ambitious dishes such as pavlova or scotch eggs and beans:
“He’s mad about the oul cooking. He didn’t do as well in his A Levels as he should have because he was always sneaking off home to watch reruns of Can’t Cook Won’t Cook. In 20-30 years he’ll be seen as a pioneer but Tyrone is not quite ready in 2014 for lads coming out as avid kitchen practitioners.”
Meanwhile his brother Justin has taken to wearing dark sunglasses until the furore boils down.
Omagh Pet Shop Owner’s Family Living In Fear After Hibernation Calamity
An Omagh pet shop owner has admitted he panicked after burying over 60 pets who turned out not to be deceased but were simply hibernating after a recent cold spell. His family are said to be ‘sleeping with one eye open’ in case he repeats the near-fatal mistake in his own house.
Pat McMinn, who has owned the shop for less than a year, confirmed he was completely unaware that some breeds of hamsters, bats, frogs, mice, squirrels, skunks and hedgehogs can hibernate at short notice after a cold snap, even if only for 24 hours in the case of some hamsters.
“I wasn’t aware of that atall. I came in on the Monday and saw that a rake of the pets weren’t moving, so I put them all in a bin liner and buried them in a field out beside Healy Park. I think there were 23 hamsters, 17 bats, 12 skunks and a pile of squirrels. I was sad enough at the time but just put it down to the circle of life. I was glad to hear they’re all still alive, thanks to the sharp eye of a local farmer who saw a couple of squirrels burrowing upwards.”
Mrs Marie McMinn, who won the 1988 Persil Automatic Best Hands in Omagh award, admitted the family now lived in fear in case he takes another head stagger and buries the lot of them during the night:
“I can’t be sure he won’t make the same mistake again. He’s prone to the panicking. One time he threw a toaster out because it hadn’t popped up inside three minutes.”
Locals reckon the shop won’t last much longer anyway as no one has heard of anyone buying a bat in the area, ever.
Mass Stampede In Beragh As Locals Misread Tombola Poster
Not many tickets sold after Ebola scare
The Sixmilecross Christian Society (SCS) have refused to apologise to 4000 Beragh residents who were spotted ‘running like mad’ towards Omagh after someone misread the SCS Tombola poster, thinking Ebola had finally arrived at the west Tyrone village.
The Tombola night, which this year was in aid of a proposed donkey sanctuary in Loughmacrory, was a resounding disaster as only nine punters turned up, winning on average 13 prizes each and generating only £23 for the project.
Meanwhile, Omagh Council have set about dismantling the makeshift aluminium buildings used to house the Beragh contingent over the weekend before the error was discovered. Beragh joiner, Candy McClean, told us:
“I was never so afeared. When word got about that Sixmilecross had caught the Ebola we just ran like hounds towards Omagh. It took a few hours of negotiations before they let us stay and I understand that. There’d be a few boys around Beragh who’d look a bit virusy even on a Sunday.”
It wasn’t until someone produced the Tyrone Democrat and spotted the Tombola advertisement for Sixmilecross that the penny finally dropped.
The Tyrone Health Organisation are to issue leaflets to all houses in the county, warning residents of evacuation procedures if the virus does hit Sixmilecross or anywhere else. Their 4-point plan is as follows:
- Don’t run like mad down the road. Head calmly for Derry or Armagh, preferably by foot or scooter/skateboard/flicker/roller-skates.
- Don’t be telling the Armagh or Derry ones why you have arrived for fear of retaliation.
- Bring sandwiches and tea for the journey. Jam sandwiches are not advised as they can attract flies.
- Keep spirits up by singing happy songs about emigration.
The THO also reminded people that there are no grants for Ebola-prevention house extensions.
The Tribulation Two Arrested And Charged. Six Months Hard Labour In Tattyreagh
Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.
Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.
A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.
Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:
“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”
Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.
Adiós Amigos.
Omagh’s ‘Shawshank Husband’ Dug Tunnel From Bedroom To Pub Over 15 Years
Kerr re-enacts tunnel movement
An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.
Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:
“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at the shops. It wasn’t until 2009 that I hit the jackpot and came up through the women’s toilet mop and bucket room.”
Kerr explained how he spent the last five years heading to the pub via his tunnel at 11pm before returning at 1am, undetected by his deep sleeping wife:
“To be honest I was sort of glad I was caught. She was always smelling drink off me in the morning and I was explaining it away as a natural odour. But recently I was finding myself singing rebel songs and stuff coming back up the tunnel and it was only a matter of time before I was caught anyhow. The landlord was also wondering how I was just appearing out of nowhere at the same time every night and disappearing from the women’s toilets.”
The tunnel was finally discovered after the DOE performed a survey on a sewage problem which turned out to be caused by a pipe Kerr had hit accidentally, causing sewage to leak into his tunnel over five years. The judge questioned Kerr’s wife as to why she never smelt the sewage odours from her husband. Mrs Kerr simply shrugged.
Marital Strife After Tyrone Husband Swaps Donegal Wife’s All-Ireland Ticket For Bottle Of Jameson
Family and friends have rallied around Mary Ferry (nee O’Donnell) from Killybegs after it emerged her husband exchanged her much sought after All Ireland Final ticket for a bottle of Jameson and three packets of Tayto, all different flavours.
Omagh native and Tyrone fanatic Carl Ferry has been accused of being mean-spirited and insanely jealous by his father-in-law Dan O’Donnell who played full back for Donegal from 1967-1975.
Dan explained:
“Typical Tyrone man. He spent the last ten years blowing and winding about Tyrone this and that. As soon as Donegal enjoy a day or two in the sun he can’t take it. The same man couldn’t hold a glass of water, never mind a bottle of Jameson.”
A clearly irritated O’Donnell added:
“The worst thing is, he’s still going himself with his own ticket. He hates Kerry so who the hell will be be shouting for? Both teams can’t lose.”
Neighbours informed journalists that this is the second time Carl sabotaged his wife’s big day after he drove to the 2012 final between Donegal and Mayo the whole way in first gear, missing the entire game and setting the engine on fire near the River Boyne.
This evening, Mr Ferry defended himself by declaring his action was one of love and dedication. The plumber revealed:
“It’s our wedding anniversary on September 30th and I thought we’d have a blow out with the whiskey and crisps. Some thanks you get from Donegal women. Anyways, I take loads of photos for her and get the program and all. It’ll be alright.”
Mrs Ferry refused to comment when questioned on her doorstep an hour ago. ‘Male screams’ were reported soon after.
Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
County Holds Breath As Hugo Duncan Reportedly Entering Celebrity Big Brother House.
No cream buns in England
Fears for the sanity of Tyrone’s only treasure, Hugo Duncan, as well as that of all the other celebrities too, have been expressed across the county this morning as bookies stop taking bets that Duncan will appear in the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother programme.
Masses were dedicated to the Wee Man From Strabane in Omagh, Cookstown and Brocagh this morning to give him the strength to survive three weeks in a house with transvestites, rappers, Americans, glamorous women and drug-fuelled has-beens.
Radio Ulster studio producer and close friend Harry Hagan is fearful that the experience could break the county singing legend:
“We joke about his diet and all but people need to realise he really is addicted to cream buns and cakes. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – you’ll see Hugo with cream all over his chin. There’s no way the Big Brother crowd will provide him with buns. It’ll be the opposite – they spot a weakness and aggravate it, hoping he’ll blow a fuse. And he will. He has a fierce temper and will slap all around him if he doesn’t get a bun. Even Frank Bruno would find him formidable.”
Hagan also highlighted the effect he might have on the other contestants:
“Again, it’s a running joke but he does do the whole ‘diddily diddily dee, skiddily I de di’ all the time. It’ll drive them other ones mad and they’re probably in a vulnerable state to begin with. Even in his sleep he’s skiddly-aye-dee-diddle-deddle-dumming away like a lunatic. It could cut up rough. And he eats with his mouth open. Please vote him out as soon as you can.“
40 foot screens have been erected in Strabane and Dungannon for people to follow Hugo’s progress in case he does appear in the show. Authorities have also warned fans of the singer that the Big Brother house can do strange things to you and not to be surprised if he starts cross-dressing or changes his accent.
Rise In Women Fixing Their Hair Before Answering The Phone And Wearing Tabards
Trillick Woman in a tabard
A habit, once thought to be nearing extinction in Ireland, has reportedly gathered legs again as the amount of women fixing their hair before answering their mobile phones or landlines is on the rise.
In a sign of the times, the activity has evolved with many women taking selfies before lifting the receiver or pressing answer on their devices. Ballygawley teacher John Kelly confirmed they have missed three important calls to the house recently because of his wife adjusting her extensions before answering the call:
“I’m a sub-teacher at the minute and rely on calls in the morning for a livelihood. Three times this week the phone has run off because I’ve been in the toilet and Mary’s been checking her hair in the mirror. Last week I saw her taking a photo of herself when the phone began ringing. Not only that, she took another one because the first one wasn’t to her liking. This madness must stop. It makes no sense.”
86-year old widow Hillary Johnson from Omagh has lambasted the young women of today in terms of the time taken to make sure they are fit to answer the phone.
“In my day, we would have leapt up and checked hair, make-up and blouse before the second ring. By the fourth we’d have applied any changes necessary. These young ones today are too lazy and slow. I blame the Internet and them American TV shows.”
Other traditional female actions reportedly fashionable again are blue-rinse dyes and wearing tabards with 20-30 nappy pins attached.
Supermoon Wreaks Havoc Across Tyrone
Supermoon – driving women mad
The recent supermoon has been blamed for a series of disturbances across the county, ranging from domestic tiffs to naked dancing near the Sperrin Mountains.
The moon, which is closer to earth than normal but won’t hit us, has also been blamed for making housewives and mothers grumpier than normal, as well as speeding up hair growth.
PSNI trainee Jack Barrow was one of the first on the scene of a pagan ritual up near Kildress around midnight:
“Yes this supermoon seems to have put their heads away around here. I chased nearly 80 locals from the field behind the chapel. They were all naked and dancing around a small bonfire and just seemed to be shouting ‘yeeeooo’ and ‘Up the Tones’, and every now and then point at the moon. Most were intoxicated too. Interestingly one of them was the priest. It’s a bit mad altogether.”
Brocagh car mechanic Seanie Dawson maintains his wife has taken grumpiness to a new level since the big moon showed up:
“She tore strips off me this morning for using the butter knife to unscrew the battery holder in the TV remote. Normally she’d just take it off me and give me a dirty look. This time she stabbed me in the shoulder 4 times and called me ‘a good for nothing oul bollocks‘. The sooner this moon is away the better. Super my arse.”
Artist’s impression
Meanwhile, men and women have both been complaining about unusual hair growth recently with a 300% spike in sales of Gillette razors in Cookstown and Omagh. Reports suggest that even Peter Canavan has been spotted sporting a few strands on his famed baldy dome.
Experts Predict More Bridges Than People In Omagh By 2020
Omagh’s oldest bridge, erected in 1988
Following the controversial erection of another bridge in Omagh today, engineering experts have predicted that by 2020 there will be more bridges in the greater Omagh area than people, earning the nickname ‘Little Venice’.
The new bridge, which will not be called the Joe McMahon Bridge despite persistent rumours, is just part of a £4.3m project to make the place look a bit better and it is hoped that Catholics and Protestants will both use the bridge to share stories about what they eat and drink and stuff like that.
Reaction to the bridge has been mixed this morning. Angler Sean Devine told us:
“Like everyone else, I like nothing more than a good bridge but I’d be a bit worried about what these experts are saying. If there are going to be more bridges than people in Omagh it’s going to take the novelty away a bit. Then there’ll be rakes of men with poles on gondolas and trolls and all the side effects of having 20’000 bridges in the town.”
Lisa Foster (24) added:
“I’ve nothing against meeting Catholics on bridges and already this morning I’ve spoken to about five and shared spices and toiletries but the seasickness is killing us. Everywhere you step in Omagh you’re on a bridge looking down on water and the place is covered in vomit now from the queasiness. Anyway, 58% of the bridges have been named after Catholics and that’s not a good example of a shared future, is it?”
Meanwhile authorities have promised that Little Venice’s next bridge which is due to be erected in September will be named after a Protestant, probably someone who player for Glasgow Rangers in the 80s.
‘Tyrone-Shaped Omelette’ Destined To Replace Brooks At Croke Park
The Omagh Omelette
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The creation by an Omagh housewife of an omelette that coincidentally looks ‘almost exactly like Tyrone’, is expected to take pride of place in a hastily-convened showcase at Croke Park.
44-year old Philomena McCaughey was making a two-egg cheese omelette for her husband Peader, when she noticed that it looked quite like Tyrone.
“It’s mighty. It looks almost exactly like Tyrone if you look at it sideways-on with your eyes closed a wee bit. And I had thrown on a big pile of grated Crackerbarrel that made it look just like the Sperrins, especially if the Sperrins were yellow and a bit more cheesy-looking”.
McCaughey’s husband admitted that the eggy phenomenon looked a little less like Tyrone after he devoured the south eastern part of the omelette, around Clonfeacle, whilst waiting for RTE to turn up.
“Aye, that’s true. I was as hungry as a horse because we had run out of eggs and Philomena hadn’t been to Newell Stores yet. I just had a wee corner of it though. It now looks like Aghaloo’s been wiped off the map, but sure, they won’t mind. It still looks deadly”.
He went on,
“RTE never turned up. Their loss. The very least we were expecting was Sky News and some reporters from London, or maybe some of them celebrity chefs like Jamie Olivers or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. In the end we just took a photo of it and stuck it in the fridge next to the Kerrygold”.
The pair have offered to stage an exhibition of the so-called ‘Omagh Omelette’ at Croke Park in place of the cancelled Garth Brooks’ concerts later this week.
“At least people would still get their money’s worth”, said Peader. “We’d have the Omelette on a big video screen and Philomena could play the spoons while I sing Friends In Low Places, so that people still think they’re getting a bit of the Brooks’ magic, while they’re looking at the Omelette. I’m some chanter once I get going. And for a lock of extra pounds I’d be happy doing a couple of matinee performances”.
In 2012 McCaughey dug up a potato in his father-in-law’s field which had an exact resemblance to England footballer Wayne Rooney, before digging up a further 200 potatoes that also had an exact resemblance to Rooney.
46% of Tyrone Men Allergic To Picnics, Survey Finds
Picnic in Gortin yesterday
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Findings by the Institute of Ulster has discovered that nearly half of all Tyrone men have a genetic aversion to summer picnics.
The report published earlier this week, confirmed a fact which many in the county already suspected, which is that men have a hypersensitivity to sitting in middle of a dunged field eating scotch eggs and cheese and onion sandwiches.
Researcher Wolfgang O’Neill explained,
“These are very unusual findings. Show a Dungannon man a tartan rug and he’s likely to break into a sweat and start muttering about having to clean the gutter or paint the garage. Under laboratory conditions we tested over a dozen men from Fintona, and every single one of them started shouting, ‘the rain’s on its way’, every time we showed them a vacuum flask. Bizarre”.
The study also showed that when the Tyrone men are placed within an al fresco picnic environment, the symptoms of the allergy begin to intensify. These vary, but can include fidgeting, sighing extremely loudly, and looking at watches, to extreme irritability, yelling at children, and and getting blind drunk.
“Aye, that sounds about right”, said chronic picnic allergy sufferer Padraig Kershaw from Omagh. “My wife’s mad for the picnics, so she is. First glimpse of sunshine and she’s got the feckin’ windbreak out. Where’s the joy in sitting in the middle of Dungannon Park surrounded by midges, watching the clouds rolling in, eating tomato sandwiches?”
Another, 52-year old Patsy McGurk from Aughabrack, said,
“Al fresco? Don’t know him. Don’t want to. Know what I hate most about picnics? No back support. It’s worse than sitting on a bloody beach. We’re built for barbeques. If I’m going to get chronic food poisoning, I’d rather have it in my own garden, not some damn field miles from anywhere. At least at home you can have a decent bowel movement in comfort. I’m too old for squatting over a bloody clump of thistles”.
Extreme sufferers of the condition were found to have other symptoms in common, including involuntary shouting, ‘we’d best be getting back’, every time they saw a Tupperware box.
Tyrone Tribulations 