Category Archives: Ballygawley
20’000 Attend Party For Parents As Children Return To School
An estimated 19’800 parents from all over the county attended an open air drinking session at 10am near the Ballygawley roundabout as thousands of children returned to school after another wet, wild and windy summer holiday period.
Police confirmed that no arrests were made at the impromptu get-together as children were informed by head masters to walk home from school due to lack of sober drivers.
Paddy McCourt, a father of four primary school children, explained:
“Someone put up on Facebook this morning about having a bottle of Buckfast at the roundabout after dropping the children off and before long the place was hiving with hundreds of ecstatic parents. Don’t get me wrong, I like my children alright but I couldn’t do one more day of separating them after another fight over the charger for an iPad. And there’s only so many times you can head to an overclouded Barrys in Portrush or visit the granny in Dungannon.”
Conversely, Ballygawley teacher Harry Quinn was reprimanded by his school governors for being photographed drinking with the revellers, despite supposedly being back to work today. Quinn, who also has four children at primary school age, was described as ‘screaming and shouting like a mad man’ as he was pulled away from the party by several colleagues from the local school.
Meanwhile a P6 boy was sent home from St Malachy’s in Moygashel after he wrote a 2-sentence reply to the ice-breaker exercise of ‘What did you do over the summer?’. Head teacher Mrs Fullerton insisted that “Nothing. Sure wasn’t the weather shit” was not an acceptable reply.
McElduff Fury Over Heated Bus Shelters In Co Down
Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff has reacted furiously to the news that Sinn Fein’s Chris Hazard, the first Minister for Infrastructure, will spend all new money on heated bus stops in County Down.
Hazard, from Drumaness in Co Down, has reportedly been sickened by constant badgering by his party comrade McElduff regarding sorting out the A5 road saga. In response, Hazard has allegedly decided to spend over £3.5m on heated bus shelters in Crossgar, Killyleagh, Ardglass, Portaferry, Downpatrick and Newtownards as well as other minor villages and townlands in his native county.
A dumbfounded McElduff was reportedly seen stomping up and down the hill in Stormont muttering things like ‘typical stoop’ and ‘we exist yknow’
A close confidante of McElduff’s added:
“Obviously I’m not going to say too much about it but Barry’s clean mad about this. He was sure having a Shinner in the infrastructure gig would see the A5 as the number one issue for the next couple of years. The announcement of the heated bus stops in Down has knocked him for six. The worst part of it is that Down ones wouldn’t be short of money normally and you’d see rakes of them with fur coats on anyway standing at the bus stops. And a lot of Down ones don’t use public transport as they’ve 2 or 3 cars normally.”
The news of the heated bus stops also comes as a blow to Coalisland residents as it was hoped that some of the money was to be set aside for the erection of a car parking facility where up to three cars can park in a legal fashion within parking white lines and all.
“We were even going to run courses on parking in a mannerly fashion”
remarked the town’s Lord Mayor Bosco ‘The Spanner’ Coleman.
Drain Expert Says There’s Nothing Wrong With Harte’s Drains
Drainage expert Noel Donnelly from Ballygawley has confirmed he can find no problem in the drains around Glencull or Garvaghey, believing that a good rodding would sort out any of the Tyrone manager’s drainage predicaments.
Harte, who controversially spoke about drains this week, was unavailable for comment.
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly revealed he dug up over 100 drains in the last two days since Harte’s comments, admitting he’s prepared to fix any of Mickey’s drains for free such is his admiration for the multiple All-Ireland winning ex-teacher:
“It’s a head scratcher. I’ve rodded, prodded, jetted, CCTV’d, cut roots, dye-tested, traced, gassed, lined and excavated nearly every drain that Harte might be using, even up at the pitches in Garvaghey. They all seem to be ok. I suggest Mickey just uses a coat-hanger the next time his drains are playing up and stop wasting my time.”
Donnelly also revealed he checked all the drains around Ardboe as there was a suggestion that locals on the shore might be suffering from the same problem as the Ballygawley ones. Again, The Drain was at a loss to explain the rumours:
“You can normally tell if drains are playing up by the smell and the way people are walking in the affected area. As far as I can tell, Ardboe smells just the same. Anyway, a lot of people along the shore do their business in the Lough, as per tradition. They’re very traditional people down there.”
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly can be contacted on noelthedraindonnelly@draindrain.com
CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.
Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Uproar In Seskinore Over Reclassification Of Ballygawley As A Town
The Town
Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.
Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.
Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:
“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”
Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:
“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”
Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:
- Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
- Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
- Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
- Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
- Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
- Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
- To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town
McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.
Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
What’s On Tyrone TV Over Christmas
CHRISTMAS EVE
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
CHRISTMAS DAY
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Armagh last July
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
Tyrone PSNI Plan ‘Best Staff Christmas Party Ever’ On Funds From Ballygawley Speed Camera
A Tyrone pub have confirmed they received a booking under the codename ‘The Police’ for 300 people in December, opting for the Premium Service Package (£30’000) which includes male strippers, massive German pint glasses and a live performance from a local country and western star. £35’220 was collected from the Ballygawley roundabout camera in 2014 with the promise of a few more pounds before Christmas.
Jordan’s Pub in Eglish will be packed to the rafters after owner Fonzie Jordan accepted the booking with a heavy heart as he himself was caught doing 32 in the 30mph zone last month:
“No one ever bought the Premium Service Package before so it was hard to turn down. It’ll set us up for a few months so I’ll have to bite my lip. But, 32 mph like. They’re a bunch of thieving cowboys. £60 I forked out as did everyone else in that line of motors. There must’ve been about 35 of us all travelling at that speed. I hope their sprouts aren’t too hard”
remarked Jordan with a wink and a smudge of a smile.
Jordan admitted this was not the first mass booking the pub has received in the last five years.
“a lock of years ago the Tyrone County GAA Board booked the Silver Service Package for 56 people which includes female strippers, free nuts for the tables and scented toilet freshener tablets. That put them back £24’000 which coincidentally matched the gate receipts from all club games that year. They had some craic that night and the chairman and all were wearing gold crowns and laughing at the ordinary people in the quiet bar.”
Jordan is also asking for ‘Sting’ from ‘The Police’ to phone back as soon as possible with their menu choices.
Family Concern For Lottery Winner Who ‘Doesn’t Know Herself at all’
Not at herself at all
The family of Ballygawley lottery winner Josie McGinley are said to beside themselves with worry for her after her £3000 win on the local GAA club lottery. McGinley (61), who is reported to have splashed out on plants and garden ornaments, has alarmed friends and family after repeatedly stating she doesn’t know herself at all since the windfall.
Sister and clinical psychologist Sadie McGinley reckons it’s time for social services to step in:
“I was talking to her yesterday and asked her how she was feeling after the big win. She just kept saying ‘jays I don’t know meself at all’ whilst browsing through the Littlewoods catalogue for expensive pyjamas. She either needs the money taken off her and given to her siblings or committed to some institution, with the money given to her siblings. She can’t go about not knowing herself.”
Concerns have also been raised about her husband Joe who has been spotted as ‘laughing’ whilst saying ‘she doesn’t know herself’ when asked how things were since the big win. Sadie added:
“I think he has what she has. Maybe it’s the early signs of ebola or something but he’s going about smirking and laughing about our Josie not knowing herself. If that’s what winning money does to some people they’re better off not having it at all and the winnings given to her siblings.”
Errigal Ciaran GFC released a statement indicating that they’ll monitor future payouts in their lottery and set up a winners’ counselling committee from tomorrow onwards for any wins over £50.
GAA Team’s Goodwill Gesture Falls Flat In Eglish
Inspired by the story of a senior panel from Donegal club Naomh Columba who stopped to help a man turn his turf in Galway at the weekend, Ballygawley outfit Errigal Ciaran attempted a similar gesture whilst driving through Eglish on the way back from a game in The Moy yesterday.
Unfortunately, the attempted act of kindness which involved digging up 300 kilos of potatoes the size of grapes and 600 pallets of unripe strawberries, has left Eglish farmer Phonsie Jordan thousands of pounds in the red.
Clubman Johnny Bradley admitted:
“We’ve cocked up, yes. We thought it would be great PR for the club after we saw the Donegal lads do the same with the turf. We’ve a lot of students on the team and they haven’t really seen fields with spuds or strawberries in them so they aren’t to blame. We just ripped everything up and waited for the farmer to get back, with smiles on our faces. When he lifted that gun we fairly moved. In fact, some lads ran more in that thirty seconds than in the game against The Moy, going by the GPS trackers still on them.”
Jordan, who has been producing high quality produce for 50 years, fumed:
“Shower of do-gooders. Some of them spuds were as small as peanuts. How did it not dawn on them? And green strawberries….holy Jaysus.”
The Ballygawley outfit have vowed to make up for the innocent error by offering their services as scarecrows over the summer for the Eglish entrepreneur, starting with the defenders in July.
Canavan May Undergo Extreme Make-Over For Sky TV
Artist’s Impression of Post Nip & Tuck Canavan
After Sky Sports revealed their on-screen line-up for its coverage of this year’s Gaelic football and hurling championships, which features GAA legends Peter Canavan and Jamesie O’Connor, a top image consultant in London confirmed a Ballygawley man has booked in for a weekend session at the end of the month.
Dr Barry King, who has also looked after high profile Premier League footballers and Hollywood superstars, confirmed his client had ‘a fair bit to do’ in order to compete with other Sky Sports analysts such as Jamie Redknapp. Having Googled images of the newest member of the Sky Sports team, Dr King added:
“There’ll be a bit of nip here and tuck there. We will be reducing the size of his mouth and eyes, ironing out the head wrinkles, pinning back his ears and maybe encouraging some form of follicle growth over a period of time.”
Dr King has also referred the mysterious Ballygawley media man to a Speech and Drama specialist from Croydon in England who will attempt to smooth out any localisms and slang.
“We’ll start off with pronunciations of the counties in Ireland. There’ll be no more ‘Trone’ or ”Slaygo’. We want more ‘it’s a funny old game’, ‘take a bow my son’ and ‘unbelieveable, Brian’. Our Glencull client will also need to attract a bevy of women who will follow him about wherever he goes, screaming and fainting.”
Meanwhile, friends of Mr Canavan have expressed fears that early dummy runs of the show have seen a marked changed in his behaviour with the former All-Star reluctant to remove the TV make-up for the rest of the week, even when out for a few pints at Quinn’s.
“We’re monitoring the situation,”
added a worried best made who walked off shaking his head and muttering something about ‘England being the ruination of the man‘
Pope Sneaks In Sainthood For Brian Dooher
Pope Francis sprung a surprise on Sunday after he slipped in the canonisation of Brian Dooher at the last minute towards the end of the high-profile celebration for the declaration of sainthoods for Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII.
800’000 pilgrims were left confused after the current pontiff, before wrapping up the mass, said something under his breath about a third sainthood before pretending to cough and then making a joke about Italian women.
This morning, Vatican officials finally confirmed that Francis had canonised a vet from Donemana who goes by the name of Dooher:
“Yes, Brian Dooher becomes the fastest tracked saint ever what with his plentiful miracles in the white jersey of his county. We researched this thoroughly and the point he scored against Kerry in 2008 was from the boot of a god. We normally wait for years after they’re dead but Dooher was a special case. He has been sent the certificate anyway so that’s that.”
Pope Francis was worried about the reaction to the news especially as Mother Teresa has yet to receive the honour, deciding to slip it in with a well-timed cough and outrageous joke about local female ‘pastatutes’ in the red-light districts. A Mother Teresa supporter from Poland fumed:
“It was a dirty trick alright with the fake cough. Then the joke but he’s a bit of a slagger anyway so we didn’t bat an eyelid at that. If this Dooher boy was any good then why are his club Clann na nGael in the junior division?”
Ballygawley held a vigil on Sunday night in protest at the canonisation after they revealed a petition to have Peter Canavan made a saint in 2005 was dismissed by the Vatican back then as ‘pure mad’.
Slimline Darren Clarke To Shorten His Name To A Symbol; Others To Follow Suit
Darren Clarke
Major winner Darren Clarke from Dungannon, who has shed pounds through a gruelling fitness programme, is reportedly about to slim his name as well, following in the footsteps of American singer Prince who adopted a symbol in the 90s. Reports tonight within the county suggest that many local stars may also follow suit including footballer Peter Canavan, singer Hugo Duncan and snooker player Dennis Taylor.
A golfing insider, who may or may not have met the golfing giant, insists he will choose a circle with a pile of lines around it and a plus sign. Johnny Ray added:
“Yes, he will probably adopt the symbol soon, reflecting his new look. It’s sort of hard to pronounce but it’s sort of like Gnnrrrhhh. To be honest I haven’t spoken to Darren about this but there’s a chance this is true. It could mark an Indian Summer for the great man, despite the difficulty the first tee announcers will have saying Gnnrrrhhh.”
Reports from Ballygawley suggest that Peter Canavan is watching closely how all this pans out and already has a sign made for his switch from a normal name to a symbol. GAA expert Donal McAnulty admitted:
The Footballer Formally Known As Peter Canavan
“I have been heavily involved in this process. If all goes well with Darren, Peter Canavan’s new name will be a bemused baldy man symbol. Word people say it’s pronounced Verrrrmm. I have it on good authority that if this goes ahead he will refuse to answer anyone who calls him Peter.”
Hugo Duncan will soon announce that a cream bun will be his new name whilst Dennis Taylor will adopt a piece of turf in place of his baptismal name.
Meanwhile Prince, who now uses his original name, has warned against these proposed changes, claiming it was awkward on the phone when people would ask for him using his one-time symbol which was completely silent when translated.
“I was on the bucking phone for ages asking who they were looking to speak to. Sometimes up to four hours.”
New Dungannon ‘Roadkill Restaurant’ Defends Accusations
What the hell is it?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A new restaurant recently opened in Dungannon has denied accusations that it has been serving up animals killed by traffic on the nearby motorway.
‘McGlone’s Dead-Tasty Restaurant’ in Irish Street, which was opened only two weeks ago by former slaughterhouse worker Eugene McGlone with the slogan, ‘Fresh Meat, Straight From The Grill’, prompted a series of complaints to the Foods Standards Agency about the source of many of the ingredients.
Angry diner Damian Gormley from Plumbridge fumed:
“It says on their website, ‘Come in and enjoy our great food, just off the M1’. Now I know exactly what it means. Scraped off the bloody M1, that’s what. The hoors. I wouldn’t go back in there if you paid me. The menu’s a disgrace. Shepherd’s Pie my arse. More like German Shepherd’s Pie”.
Diners became suspicious after finding that nearly all the main course dishes were peculiarly flat, including, ‘Eugene’s Four-Meat Omelette’, ‘Protein Pizza Platter’, and ‘Begley’s Big Meaty Pancake’, a dish comprising what appeared to be a number of different types of unspecified meat.
Another unhappy customer Liz McGee from Ballygawley said,
“Jays, you could practically smell the engine oil off the food. It gave me the heave. If that McGlone thinks I’m going to put his ‘Meaty Waffles’ anywhere my mouth, he can think on. Anyone who seems to take Toad In The Hole literally is in the wrong game. I tried complaining, but the music was so loud you couldn’t hear a thing. The menu said that they serve up ‘bumper portions’. Now I know what it means”.
McGlone however refused to be drawn about the source of his food.
“All I’ll say is that we’re very aware of the importance of sustainability and the environment and suchlike. That’s why all of our food is local, from within 10 miles. Or 20 if you go as far as the M12 to Cookstown. Some of them lorries are going deadly fast”.
McGlone also denied that the background music was turned up loud to drown out the sound of diners retching.
Rumours also surfaced that McGlone was spotted last Thursday night standing on the side of the M1 near Moygashel with a pepper grinder, a spade, and a hopeful look on his face.
Whole Of Tyrone To Boycott Spuds
39 towns and villages in Tyrone have agreed to boycott potatoes “for the foreseeable future” after thousands of complaints about how they’re being treated in restaurants and cafes across the county since the 1990s. Customers have finally had enough of being offered continental dishes from baked potatoes to potato wedges when all they ask for is a plate of spuds.
Eskra farmer, Mike Kelly (71), explained their annoyance:
“You go out for a feed of spuds and the waiter rhymes off a rake of fancy dishes like roast potatoes or some other la-de-da stuff like that. What does a man have to do to get a slap of pitters? People are watching them food TV shows like Mastermind Chef or Can’t Dine With Me and now think they’re deadly at the cookin. Not a spud will be bought in this county til people get back to basics.”
Ballygawley restaurant owner John Lally admits this is the nuclear option they never anticipated:
“We’re banjaxed now. If we want to get a Michelin Star for our establishments, or even a half decent review in the local paper, we have to offer dishes that outsiders or experts eat like garlic spuds or potato soup. But our bread and butter daily clientele are giving us some savage abuse every day now. Last week our most loyal customer threatened to burn the joint down because we weren’t doing ‘plain spuds on a plate and nothing else’. What a county!”
The first ‘Save Our Spud’ rally takes place on Wednesday night in Galbally with organisers promising ‘a slap of floury balls’ for all attendees.
Meanwhile, the Garvaghey bobsleigh announced they plan to enter the 2018 Winter Olympics and are training flat out up at the new GAA complex which retains a sub-zero temperature 12 months a year.
Massive Wall To Be Built Around Garvaghey Complex To Combat Global Warming
Spectator at Owen Roes v Brocagh
Following reports of players frozen on the spot and goalkeepers needing two days of defrosting, Tyrone GAA officials announced that they’re to build a massive wall around their GAA facilities in Garvaghey – potentially becoming one of only a few manmade objects visible from space.
Complaints were made by gaels across the county that the new state-of-the-art complex outside Ballygawley was quite possibly the coldest place on the planet, rivalling Alaska, Russia and the Antarctic. An U16 player from Drumragh claims to have stalled mid-air fielding a kick-out and was only thawed into coming down to earth by several team-mates rubbing at his legs furiously.
County official Kieran McNelis informed us:
“Yes, we’re looking for a contractor to oversee the building of a massive quarter mile high wall around the entire complex to keep out the wind-chill from September til April. Only last week we had the terrible situation of an Owen Roes goalkeeper who, during a lull in play, decided to lick the ice off a goalpost and got his tongue stuck to it. Until the warm water arrived he had shipped in 4 goals. We feel that a massive wall would slow down the effects of global warming.”
Seven linesmen were also hospitalised with stiffness and the inability to let their flag go due to early signs of rigor mortis. McNelis added:
“There was also the unfair advantage afforded to Pomeroy and Galbally lads and lassies who revelled in the cold conditions, having acclimatised to mountain life over 1000s of years. Last week Mickey Harte nearly picked the whole Galbally side to play Derry before the penny dropped about the conditions.”
The building of The Great Wall of Garvaghey will commence in September 2014 and finishes in 2020 with Club Tyrone members having the choice of building half of it or doing the cement mixing.
Parishioners Queuing Already For Sunday Mass In Strabane
Queue for bus in Ardboe
Tyrone Tribulations can exclusively reveal that the queue for Garth Brooks tickets in Dungannon has set off a county-wide queuing addiction encompassing all manner of entertainment, in the hope of making it onto the news.
Our west Tyrone reporter Jasmine Cat revealed the extent of the phenomenon around the Strabane area:
“As we speak there is a queue of about 4o pensioners outside the front door at Strabane Parish Church for Sunday’s Mass at 10am, four days away. Fr Bollan is seen as someone who says a good quick mass and numbers are limited. Missing out means attending the noon Mass and it usually lasts the guts of an hour. There’s also a good size queue for the Strabane Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender drama night on Friday the 14th. That’s a quare wait for them; the majority are married farmers who just want to attend anything that might be free and for the chance of getting on TV.”
In the east of the county we have reports of large queues forming already outside the bru office in Dungannon for Monday’s payouts as well as for the bus at Quinn’s Coach Hire in Ardboe for the Derry game on Saturday night.
Ardboe Cross committee member reckons their queue is the most unusual:
“This queuing craic has to stop. There’s a queue of 200 for the Ardboe Cross even though it’s permanently open. No one is budging past the entrance gate. They’re just waiting til UTV or BBC get here. Sure not even the Mid-Ulster Herald are interested.”
Meanwhile a mile-long queue in a field in Ballygawley has finally dispersed after three days with no one quite clear what they were queuing for.
Peter Canavan Theme Park Set To Open 2015
Peter acting the lig
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
It was confirmed last night that a long-awaited fun park will definitely open in Tyrone next year without doubt, subject to funding, planning applications, sponsors, advertisers, environmental concerns, staffing, and demand for tickets.
‘Canavan World’, a family fun park based around the celebrated and popular GAA Tyrone footballer Peter Canavan, is the brainchild of 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional beard grower and entrepreneur from Ardboe.
“Make no mistake”, announced a bold Kerrigan, “My ambition for a project of this scale knows no bounds. Canavan World is going to be biggest thing this side of Craigavon. Aye, that big. Peter’s some boy and he deserves worldwide recognition. This park will make him more famous than Bono, Sting and His Holiness all put together”.
In a bare-faced show of audacity Kerrigan intends to base the park close to Canavan’s home town of Glencull in direct competition with the nearby Ballygawley play park.
“Fair enough, Ballygawley might have a swing and a slide and a wee bin for smokers, but I’m confident we can go head-to-head with it for the international tourist trade”, declared Kerrigan.
Leaked documents confirm that some of Kerrigan’s proposed ideas and attractions include: –
• ‘The Peter Canavan One-Man Show’ – doesn’t involve the man himself but instead a video replay of the entire 1995 All-Ireland Final against Dublin, when Canavan scored nearly all of Tyrone’s points on his own.
• Church of Canavan. A brand new church dedicated to Peter, blessed by the Vatican, where converts spend three hours a week praying to Vidal Sassoon, patron saint of follicles, for Peter to grow a big bushy head of luxuriant blond hair.
• Peter Canavan Arena. Like Las Vegas but bigger. Malachi Cush to do a 10-year residency, like the ones Elton and Celine do. Ask Philomena to do it when Malachi wants a weekend off.
• Premier showing of ‘The Karate Kick’. Re-make of the 1980’s movie, ‘The Karate Kid’, starring Peter Canavan as an old Japanese man teaching Eoin Mulligan the ancient and mystical secrets of how to elbow a defender in the face without the referee seeing.
• Peter’s Water World. The man himself re-enacts some of his greatest goals, in a tank filled with 3,000 gallons of water and a killer whale.
• Canavan’s ‘Goal-er’ Coaster. A chance to watch Peter’s greatest points whilst travelling at speeds of up to 140mph, whilst sitting beside a cub scout who’s trying to drink orange and eat a cheeseburger.
• Peter Canavan Circus: Featuring Hugo Duncan as the ringmaster, Mickey Harte as the lion tamer, Stephen O’Neill as the strongman, and Joe Brolly as the clown.
Volunteers wishing to get involved with the project should submit a full CV with doctor’s certificate confirming they haven’t lost their marbles, to http://www.doomed-to-fail.com
Report Confirms Many People Still Working Their Way Through Christmas Food
Lunch in Edendork
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A study carried out yesterday by the Northern Ireland Institute of Studies confirmed that the majority of people in Tyrone continue to stuff themselves senseless in an effort to get through all the left-over Christmas food before it goes past its sell-by date.
“Christmas itself was bad enough, but this is beyond a joke”, complained 54-year old Nuala O’Neill from Brocagh, through a mouthful of Tesco’s ‘Taste The Difference’ Plum Pudding. “I nearly gave myself the boke after eating a dozen roast potatoes out the fridge that had been there since Boxing Day. To be honest they were completely rancid, but they needed eaten. Can’t have these things going to waste you know”.
Mary Gough from The Moy agreed.
“I ate half a Christmas cake last night and then found out it can last for years. That wasn’t great news after having worked my way through the last of the turkey. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey curry, turkey pasta, turkey stew, and turkey surprise. I eventually ran out of ideas and ended up making turkey meringue pie. Quite nice actually”.
“The worst of it is I just can’t get rid of the stuff”, complained Sean McKenna of Aughabrack. “Someone gave me a tin of Marks & Spencer All-Butter Shortbread as a Christmas present, so I gave it to my ma as a gift on Boxing Day. Turns out she gave it to her niece on New Year’s Eve, who gave it to her daughter on New Year’s Day, who then gave it back to me as a present at the weekend. Feckin’ cheapskates”.
Marian Quinn from Cappagh admitted:
“I sent my 7 year old cub to school with fifteen mince pies for his packed lunch. Only two days to go before the sell-by date, so they needed used up. I know he’s allergic to pastry, but sure, he’ll manage fine”.
32-stone half-man, half-spacehopper Sidney Clarke from Ballygawley, said,
“I found a couple of smoothies in the fridge my mum had left and if truth be told I was wanting a more healthy diet for the new year anyway, so I got tore into them. I never realised one was clotted cream and the other pure goose fat. Tara. I got through three Cadbury’s selection boxes getting rid of the taste though, so it wasn’t all bad”.
Rumours Rife Of Bad Boys From Carrickmore On Santa List
Rumours sweeping the county this morning suggest that Santa Claus is contemplating bypassing Carrickmore completely after a disgruntled elf leaked the bad list on his ElfLeak website.
If true, this is not the first time a Tyrone village has been affected by questionable behaviour. In 1964 Pomeroy was completely ignored by the Clauses after a wrecking session in the AOH Hall outside the Diamond when the Plunketts won the Junior Championship.
The disgruntled Elf, ‘Charlie’, leaked the list after he was told he wouldn’t be on the sleigh again on Christmas Eve – the 32nd consecutive year he’d have to sit it out. 39 names from Ireland were on the supposed naughty list; 31 from Carrickmore, 6 from Dublin and 2 from Keady. Charlie was clear as to why Carrickmore were badly hit:
“After they went out of the championship to Clonoe early on we expected a small bit of messing but they wrecked about for the guts of two weeks. Broken lamp posts, men falling into hedges and shouting at the children were the main offences. Of the 31 on the list, 24 are squad members, 6 uncles of players, and the parish priest. Mr Claus was rubbing his hands at the thought of not having to go up the Termon Road the year.”
Meanwhile, Ballygawley Roundabout spokesperson Sheila Bryans has reminded Santa of the need to adhere to road etiquette at all times:
“We’re sick of the Clauses leaving the roundabout in tatters every year. He just goes straight through the middle of it and leaves the bushes in s***e. One more time, and we’ll be waiting on him next year. And yes, that is a threat.”
North Pole PR secretary promised to be more careful this year but blamed Ardboe residents for leaving whiskey out for the reindeer every year.
Tyrone Tribulations 