Author Archives: Gombeen
Application Error Sees Masters Graduate And NASA Hopeful Join ASDA
Not ASDA
An aspiring astronaut, Jenny Quinn from Tyrone, has landed herself a job monitoring cashiers in ASDA after wrongly filling out a job application form to become a NASA Space Mission Engineer whilst under the influence of ‘a few bottles of Buckfast’.
Quinn (27), who boasts a First Degree in Astronomical and Biological Engineering and a Masters in Aerodynamic Mathematics, had hoped to get a job working for NASA after completing over 2000 hours of flying and getting her blood pressure down to 140/90 in a sitting position. Blaming a mild form of dyslexia mixed with booze bought in Portadown, she bemoaned the direction her new career has taken her:
“Yes, it was a bit of a shock when the job centre phoned and told me they’d the perfect post for me. I was over the moon, especially when she said the place I’d be working in was in Cookstown, about 20 miles away. I was surprised that NASA had an office in Tyrone but they’d be secretive about these things. It was only when I looked at the application form I had photocopied that the penny dropped. I’d written ASDA instead of NASA whilst half cut.”
The brainy boffin is now the most qualified worker in the shop but is determined to make the most of the error:
“I maybe had more than three bottles of Buckfast come to think of it but I can’t dwell on the past. I’m trying to apply my skills to this new job. I’ve already made a contraption where you put your weight into this computer and then scan your food and it tells you whether you really need it or not. There have been some teething problems after a hefty lad smashed the thing to pieces when it rejected his 2-for-1 pizza purchase. I’ll get there though.”
In a freak of coincidence, Pat ‘Red Boy’ Hagan (59) from Killyman, whose only previous job was catching chickens at Moy Park, is on his way to America after writing NASA instead of ASDA on his form.
Tyrone Clothing Company Faces Legal Action Over Its Equality Policies
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
West Tyrone based clothing company TAL is facing accusations of ‘over-equality’ policies following complaints by employees based at its Strabane premises. The firm has raised eyebrows after it posted a position for shop floor line manager, noting that a black Vietnamese protestant gay male worker would be given first preference to fill the role.
In seeking to promote positive discrimination (similar to that used by the PSNI to balance the religious representation on its force when first introduced, by giving Roman Catholic applicants an advantage with regards to filling posts), company director Martin King has tried to apply the same logic with his operations.
“It came to me in a dream while I was on a surf holiday in Bali. What our wee country needs is racial, religious and sexual equality across the board. We hope to set a new standard here. If this place is to move forward with the rest of the world we all need to be equals, just like at the beginning of that book Animal Farm” he said.
What is more apparent than the fact that Mr King did not read all of Animal Farm, is his employees have had enough. Miss Rose Parkes, from East Belfast, recently quit TAL and had some scathing words regarding Mr Kings attempts to promote a new ‘big’ society.
“He is mad in the head mate. First off he came back from his hippy adventure round the world with dreadlocks and all and just announced that all toilets were to be unisex. So, here’s me to myself – I’m not using them toilets no more. I’m gonna wait till I get home, or go to the wee bakery next door. I was never in them toilets since. He’s a sky rocket. I’d rather be waiting on a giro than put up with that muck”
Mr King told us about how Stormont could take a leaf from his book in leading the way with equal opportunity strategy, however he does concede that costs involved in implementing such procedures and policies are high.
“We had our prayer room constructed late last year, and unfortunately after we took on two great Muslim embroiderers we had to have them taken down and re-built to face the Kaaba in Mecca. That was sore on us but it’s all a learning curve for us. I introduced 9 months paternity leave to balance the male to female rights to time off following childbirth. Also, we now do not accept either man flu or period pains as a reason to stay off work. AIDS is fine though as it effects both sexes equally.”
King has had all religious holidays banned and all his workers must work Good Friday and Christmas. The company’s new range of clothing, aptly named ‘peacekeepers’, to be released next July just ahead of the marching season include “Feinhun” versatile wooly hats and poppy-lilly t-shirts; although there is still an ongoing debate as to which flower gets to be positioned on the front of the garment.
Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Clady Man’s Attempt To Re-Create Nathan Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Success With ‘Custard Cream’, Fails To Chart
A Clady man determined to make it big in the pop charts was left bitterly disappointed on Sunday when his debut single narrowly missed out making it into the top 10,000.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Following in the shoes of country singer sensation Nathan Carter who has enjoyed considerable success with a cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Wagon Wheel’, 37-year old Jerome Hughes from Clady attempted to re-create similar success with a self-penned song entitled ‘Custard Cream’.
Failed to chart
“It came to me all of a sudden when I was having my tae one day”, explained Hughes. “Why should the Carter cub have it all his own way with songs about chocolate biscuits? Can’t say I’ve listened to his record all the way through, but I’ve heard enough to know that if he can make a buckin’ fortune singing about Wagon Wheels, then I should be able to do the same with Custard Creams. And at least Custard Creams haven’t got smaller in size over the years. Bet young Carter doesn’t mention that inconvenient truth in his fancy song, eh?”
Hughes’ initial song-writing started out with an early effort entitled, ‘Terry’s Chocolate Orange’, but immediately encountered rhyming difficulties. He fared much better with Custard Cream, but fails to understand its lack of radio success, commercial success, critical success, or in fact any type of success whatsoever.
The song, which several observers have accused of bearing a suspicious likeness to Wagon Wheel, goes,
Scoff me on the land or you can munch me on the sea
You can shove me in yer bake or you can dunk me in your tea
Hey, baby eat me
Eat me by the packet or just eat me one by one
You can eat me when you’re hungry you can eat me just for fun
Hey, baby eat me
The song continues in a similar theme,
Come and eat me baby I’m the biscuit eater’s dream
You can go to paradise just eating one wee Custard Cream
Hey, baby eat me
Shop around to buy me use some shopper’s common sense
In Dungannon’s Newell Stores I’m only thirty-seven pence
Hey, baby eat me
Rumours surfaced late yesterday from a source in Strabane that Hugo Duncan has blacklisted the song on account of being a Garibaldi fan.
Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as
Coalisland this morning
the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.
Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.
All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.
The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.
Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.
More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.
“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”
With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.
The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.
County Holds Breath As Hugo Duncan Reportedly Entering Celebrity Big Brother House.
No cream buns in England
Fears for the sanity of Tyrone’s only treasure, Hugo Duncan, as well as that of all the other celebrities too, have been expressed across the county this morning as bookies stop taking bets that Duncan will appear in the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother programme.
Masses were dedicated to the Wee Man From Strabane in Omagh, Cookstown and Brocagh this morning to give him the strength to survive three weeks in a house with transvestites, rappers, Americans, glamorous women and drug-fuelled has-beens.
Radio Ulster studio producer and close friend Harry Hagan is fearful that the experience could break the county singing legend:
“We joke about his diet and all but people need to realise he really is addicted to cream buns and cakes. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – you’ll see Hugo with cream all over his chin. There’s no way the Big Brother crowd will provide him with buns. It’ll be the opposite – they spot a weakness and aggravate it, hoping he’ll blow a fuse. And he will. He has a fierce temper and will slap all around him if he doesn’t get a bun. Even Frank Bruno would find him formidable.”
Hagan also highlighted the effect he might have on the other contestants:
“Again, it’s a running joke but he does do the whole ‘diddily diddily dee, skiddily I de di’ all the time. It’ll drive them other ones mad and they’re probably in a vulnerable state to begin with. Even in his sleep he’s skiddly-aye-dee-diddle-deddle-dumming away like a lunatic. It could cut up rough. And he eats with his mouth open. Please vote him out as soon as you can.“
40 foot screens have been erected in Strabane and Dungannon for people to follow Hugo’s progress in case he does appear in the show. Authorities have also warned fans of the singer that the Big Brother house can do strange things to you and not to be surprised if he starts cross-dressing or changes his accent.
Gortin Driving Instructor Teaching People To Drive Wrong For Last 30 Years
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A driving instructor from Gortin has been accused of teaching incorrect and often illegal driving techniques to pupils across Tyrone for the last 30 years.
62-year old driving instructor Seamie Wallace from Glenpark Road, was brought to the attention of council authorities when an ex-policeman decided to enlist on one of Wallace’s advanced driving skills courses, at a cost of over £200. There, he was given a series of surprising and frequently illegal instructions, including how to, ‘drive with one knee whilst eating a cheese and tomato sandwich’, ‘weave in and out of traffic like they do in Smokey and the Bandit’, and how to drive ‘the bejaysus out of the motor as if the devil himself is on yer tail’.
Wallace is also alleged to have made a number of somewhat controversial statements to impressionable learner pupils, including, ‘driving after a clatter of pints of the black stuff is fine as long as you’re careful and keep her under 60’, ‘all BMW drivers should be lynched’, ‘traffic lights are for guidance only’, and that ‘indicators are for arseholes’.
A defiant Wallace said,
“I don’t know what the problem is. They said that sitting on the outside lane of the motorway when there’s nothing on the inside lane is wrong. That’s bollocks. I was with a pupil on the A4 yesterday just tootling along the outside lane, and lo and behold there was a whole lock of cars behind us doing the very same thing. We can’t all be wrong, can we?”
King of the road
Spokesman for the PSNI Sean Robertson said,
“He’s the reason the driving in this county is going to the dogs. Eejit. How did any of his pupils ever pass their tests? You see people trying to drive in Omagh on a Saturday and it’s carnage. That’s all his fault. But what do you expect when he tells people that reverse gear is a marketing gimmick, and that using the rear-view mirror just hurts your eyes? God save us”.
Wallace has since passed an exam to become a registered driving examiner in Coalisland.
Sky TV Lost An Estimated Half A Billion In Tyrone Since 2001
A rare sight in Tyrone
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Pay per view broadcaster SKY TV has reported that it haemorrhaged just under 500 million pounds since 2001 in ‘lost or stolen revenue’ in County Tyrone. Most of it is thought to be attributable to trade in illegal counterfeit box units.
An East Belfast based representative for Sky, Mr Philo-Farnsworth Jenkins, has told Tyrone Tribulations of the frustrations the Rupert Murdoch owned media company has had to face around mid-Ulster.
“We believe that the Carrickmore area is by far the worst offender for copyrighting issues. Only 3% housing we visited have actually admitted to even owning a television set, never mind pay per view packages. The majority even had dishes on the roofs. Our presence is hardly sustainable at this rate. When issuing notices to conform, we have received house-owner names such as Michael Mouse, The Man From God Knows Where, Napoleon Dynamite, Sean South, Vladimir Klitschko, Rupert Murdoch, Rupert The Bear, The Pope, Oz McCallan and we even had a Tiger Woods. It’s really not that funny.”
Jenkins has also spoken about the threats and unsafe conditions his drivers are facing in some parts of Tyrone.
“In the past four months, we have had a penis drawn on Homer Simpson’s forehead on one of our vans, and posters of an Irish footballer called Patrick Spillane stuck to five different windscreens. We’ve also actually had a van clamped by a youth of no more than 13 years of age – from where he got the clamp is still a mystery to the authorities. One of our employees conducting a door to door survey was even threatened with a gigantic wooden spoon as well as a hurling or shinty stick, and told to get out of the area. What is going wrong with NI youth these days? “
Mr Jenkins went on to say that typically the highest TV traffic bracket – week day mid-morning – is associated with a plethora of students and unemployed sitting at home drinking tea. He conceded that 97% of Tyrone homes not having a TV in this day and age is simply not credible:
“When you look at the nationwide viewing figures for Dr Phil, Jeremy Kyle and even Deal or No Deal, if it weren’t for the unemployed these programmes simply would not be on television. They would be replaced with more Homes Under The Hammer type stuff and yet Tyrone bucks the trend completely, with no one watching TV… You can laugh all you like but it is a serious matter.”
Also, despite the fact that GAA clubs throughout the island of Ireland have been offered a discount of some 30% to install a SKY box, only one GAA club anywhere – the PSNI Gaelic Athletic Club – has come forward to apply, though the club’s subscription money remains to be paid.
As local channel Ulster Television prepares to go south of the border, with first programmes due to air on January 1st 2015, UTV are preparing to install barriers and water cannon at their premises. They are expecting loitering and crowds to gather outside UTV house on the Ormeau Road over Christmas, as this can often be a quiet season for protesting.
Rise In Women Fixing Their Hair Before Answering The Phone And Wearing Tabards
Trillick Woman in a tabard
A habit, once thought to be nearing extinction in Ireland, has reportedly gathered legs again as the amount of women fixing their hair before answering their mobile phones or landlines is on the rise.
In a sign of the times, the activity has evolved with many women taking selfies before lifting the receiver or pressing answer on their devices. Ballygawley teacher John Kelly confirmed they have missed three important calls to the house recently because of his wife adjusting her extensions before answering the call:
“I’m a sub-teacher at the minute and rely on calls in the morning for a livelihood. Three times this week the phone has run off because I’ve been in the toilet and Mary’s been checking her hair in the mirror. Last week I saw her taking a photo of herself when the phone began ringing. Not only that, she took another one because the first one wasn’t to her liking. This madness must stop. It makes no sense.”
86-year old widow Hillary Johnson from Omagh has lambasted the young women of today in terms of the time taken to make sure they are fit to answer the phone.
“In my day, we would have leapt up and checked hair, make-up and blouse before the second ring. By the fourth we’d have applied any changes necessary. These young ones today are too lazy and slow. I blame the Internet and them American TV shows.”
Other traditional female actions reportedly fashionable again are blue-rinse dyes and wearing tabards with 20-30 nappy pins attached.
Loom Bands To Feature At Unofficial ‘T In The Parkanaur’ Music Festival
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Tickets have gone on sale for an unofficial music festival to be held in one of Tyrone’s premier beauty spots.
‘T in the Parkanaur’ in the brainchild of Gerard Donnelly from Dungannon, who decided to stage the event after hearing of the rapid success of loom bands with young people and spotting a gap in the market.
“Jays, they’re mad for the loom bands, so they are”, said Donnelly. “It’s all I ever hear about. But you never hear of loom bands playing many gigs, do you?” he challenged. “Maybe they’re just shy wee craters. Anyway, that’s why we’re doing this music festival. The cubs’ll go mental for the loom bands. The public gets what the public wants, so they do”.
He continued,
“And it’s not just the loom bands. There’s others too. We’re going to get Eminem as long as he promises to cut out the swearin, and Miley Cyrus, although to be honest I preferred her dad. And we’ve got one of the biggest Irish superstars you can think of. The biggest. Guaranteed. I can’t tell you who it is but let’s just say if she comes along she might just need to lay a blanket on the ground”, he said with a wink. “But honestly”, he went on. “She will need to bring a blanket. The facilities are going to be a bit limited”.
Preparations well underway
Controversially, Donnelly confirmed that the ‘T’ in the title doesn’t stand for Tennents, who sponsor of the hugely popular annual ‘T in the Park’ event, based in Scotland.
“No, I spoke to them but they weren’t interested”, said Donnelly. “Not in touch with the young ‘uns,see? No, the T stands for Toilet. Never enough bogs at these music festivals. We’re going to have hundreds of them wee cubicles. If we didn’t we’d have to call it ‘P in the Park’. Get it?! Ye boy ye!”
Asked about the parking, the catering, or if in fact permission had even been sought from Parkanaur, Donnelly was evasive.
“That’s all work in progress. These things take time. Let’s just say there are a few wee things to iron out. Listen, everyone was mitherin’ about it going maybe going tits up with the Garth Brooks concerts in Dublin, and it all ended up fine, didn’t it?
“Honestly, there’s nothing to worry about. There’ll be no stopping us. Not once we get started”.
What You Type In To Google To Find Tyrone Tribulations…..
In the run-up to our 2-year anniversary, I thought I’d share with you what the people of Tyrone (and beyond) type into google only to find our site. It makes for scary reading.
Some of the more memorable and a taste of Tyrone:
93 typed ‘hairy women’…old donkey (80)….accidental sex change (39)…..how’s she cuttin (28)…..plunkett donaghy (25)……women with hairy legs (19)….scania v8 (17)…..women in thigh boots (14)……smelly donkey (7)……massage parlours dungannon (7)…….how to build a castle (7)….cannibalism and eating women (6)……red diesel dippers (6)…..man sitting on donkey (6)…….how old is gareth gates (6)……dogs lifted in Beragh (5)…..realistic dragons (5)…..what’s the weather like in Carrickmore (5)……a man went to gortin fair to look for a goat (5)……top half fish bottom half human (5)…..ugly donkeys (4)…..girls with the most hairy legs in the world (4)…..ghost oh ardboe (4)……print monopoly money (4)……badger burger (3)…..big foreheads on donkeys (3)…..old women looking men in coalisland (3)…..what is the best meat for ateing (3)…….anyone who helps filling in DLA forms Tyrone (3)….the drink defies the man (3)……skunk meat (3)……women in coalisland at night (2) sandra bullocks hairy legs (1)….tell me all about fay lynette the irish broadcaster (1)….pensioners in thigh boots (1)…..bad things in donemana (1)….nathan carters teeth (1)….fat black mans arse (1)….how to make brandyball poteen (1)…sexy omagh women (1)…..how long is mass in ballygawley (1)…call girls in clogher (1)……fishing boat dungbag (1)….i want to live in ardboe (1)….the most extreme and exotic hairiest belly women in the world (1)…..sexy women farmers in wellies working on the farm (1)……dogging in killeeshil (1)……most dangerous male fugitives in this world who are very handsome (1)..she’s not at herself (1)…learn how to twerk in tyrone (1)
‘Who Does He Think He Is?’ Say Parents Of Successful A-Level Son
Smart Rodgers waiting on the postman
A Dungannon student has admitted he is ‘afraid’ and ‘lonely’ after receiving news he has achieved 4 As in his A-Level results, and is currently considering leaving the country for somewhere like Japan or Denmark for a week or two.
Colin Rodgers, who was described as a ‘quiet and hard-working pupil’ by his teachers and ‘a bit…you know….odd’ by his family, is the first to do A-Levels in the Rodgers’ family history, dating back to 1455. He achieved top grades in Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry and Dance.
His father John, a bouncer outside The Fort Bar, complained:
“Our Colin would need to take a long hard look at what he’s at here. No one in our estate goes out and tries to get good grades in school. That’s just stupid. He’s asking for a kicking and I’m talking about around our breakfast table when he comes down those stairs. Who does he think he is – Graham Norton or something?”
News of Rodgers’ success has spread like wildfire around the greater Dungannon area with reports of graffiti such as ‘Colin’s a dick’ reportedly scrawled outside Curley’s Supermarket on the Oaks Road. Loyal friend and full cousin Kenny Rodgers added:
“I just don’t know him any more. He went off the rails at GCSE, getting nine A* grades and taking up the saxophone. And he never talks about DLA and dole queues and normal stuff like that. It’s like he’s sick or something.”
Colin hopes to pursue his academic studies in Cambridge University in England, studying medicine and law. His father added:
“England’s good enough for him. And when he’s a fully practising barrister he need not expect to come here looking advice on how to fill out forms for claiming stuff like looking after long-dead ancestors.”
The SELB have set up a hotline for anyone student seeking advice on how to cope with good grades.
Newmills Mechanic Nearly The Dearest In Europe
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It has been revealed in recent EU cost comparison analysis that a mechanic inNewmills has the second most expensive per hourly rate in Europe, coming behind only a Ferrari garage in Rome.
Dunlop changing oil filters
“Luck-see, there’s a rake of reasons why we need till charge like we do. First you have the dippers about this time of year. They love a bit of overtime in the long evenings. Sure ’cause of the manoeuvres taken to avoid the dippers, we see all sorts through the gates here; new gear boxes, new engines, not to mention fuel filters! That wee Lithuanian lad has been changing one an hour this last week- haven’t ye Dmitri?.”
“Yous boys come here talking about me being dear an all that – sure you just have till look at the bonfires, and the tyres that get used up there, hi. Sure coming up to the twelfth and between now and Halloween you couldn’t keep a tyre about the place for love nor… well, just for love.”
Group Of Eglish Farmers Inspired By Commonwealth Games Take Up Rhythmic Gymnastics
A team of three farmers have taken to the gymnastics mat after having been inspired by the efforts of the athletes during the Glasgow Commonwealth Games.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The three men, all from the Eglish area, decided to take up rhythmic gymnastics after seeing England Scotland and Wales pick up an impressive 34 medals between them. Since converting part of his hen shed into a ‘state of art’ gymnasium, 38-year old Joe Carson and the team have been learning and perfecting their moves.
The 20-stone bachelor, who specialises in ball and hoop, said,
“Those wemmin doin’ the high kicks and suchlike on the rhythmic gymnastics at the Commonwealth Games was amazin’ hi. In fact, I spent a few afternoons watching it on the telly beating out a rhythm of my own. They’re a class act. That’s why I took it up. And I’m carrying a little bit of holiday weight at the moment so I could probably so with trimming down a wee bit. But if we keep going, who knows, it might be us next year at the Commonwealth Games. It’s in Brazil, right?”
“We’ve still a few problems to sort out”, said 42-year old Francie Boyle, “But we’re working on them. Plunkett Muldoon [who specialises in ball and hoop] tried to leap off the floor to do a mid-air straddle, and he landed with his full weight on top of a whole lock of chickens. His leotard was in a right mess. To be honest, the chickens didn’t look great either”.
The team, limbering up
Boyle also incurred the wrath of the other two members of the team for making a mess of the brand new white gymnast flooring at the Coventry based gymnastics facility they were practicing in on weekends.
“Aye, that’s right”, said a shame-faced Boyle, who most enjoys working with ribbon. “I traipsed slurry all the way over the brand new padded matting when I was trying to get into an arabesque. I suppose I should have taken the wellies off first but I’m a slave to my corns this time of year. And I suppose I need to invest in some proper ribbon. Using blue rope just gets all tangled up”.
The lack of proper equipment has been an ongoing issue following a group practice training session where a mix-up in choreography resulted in Carson nearly getting garroted with a 10-foot length of baler twine when Boyle was attempting a pivot.
The group are also considering commandeering Boyle’s daughter’s paddling pool so that they can take up synchronised swimming.
Newly Weds’ Marriage Off To Rocky Start After Groom Hires Hearse
Visibly Shocked Bride Poses Before Leaving House
‘You only had one job‘ muttered a disconsolate bride to her groom outside the church entrance in Fintona this morning after she turned up for her big day sitting in the back of a hearse with her father, with the three bridesmaids already having travelled in the same vehicle to the disbelief of the large attendance.
Pat McGinn, who asked to look after the transport arrangements as a gift to his fiancée, admitted he’d messed up after completely mistaking the wedding car for a Daimler 4 litre V8 hearse 2 bearer with covers with only 33’000 miles on the clock and climate controlled air conditioning with new alloy wheels.
“I wouldn’t be deadly into weddings or funerals. I saw the motor advertised on Gumtree and thought she looked lethal. It was only when the brides turned up looking glum and shaking their heads in the back of the hearse. If that was bad, you should have seen herself ten minutes later.”
Mary Clarke (not taking the husband’s name) admitted it was hard to smile during the sermon:
“I’ll never forget that journey. Sitting in the back of that hearse on a polished wooden mount with my da, listening to panpipes playing Nearer My God To Thee and Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace…..I was fuming. He had one job.”
Hearse driver Kenny Archer added that he felt sorry for the bridal party and has promised to do a deal for the first one to pass on to their eternal reward, when that time comes.
Supermoon Wreaks Havoc Across Tyrone
Supermoon – driving women mad
The recent supermoon has been blamed for a series of disturbances across the county, ranging from domestic tiffs to naked dancing near the Sperrin Mountains.
The moon, which is closer to earth than normal but won’t hit us, has also been blamed for making housewives and mothers grumpier than normal, as well as speeding up hair growth.
PSNI trainee Jack Barrow was one of the first on the scene of a pagan ritual up near Kildress around midnight:
“Yes this supermoon seems to have put their heads away around here. I chased nearly 80 locals from the field behind the chapel. They were all naked and dancing around a small bonfire and just seemed to be shouting ‘yeeeooo’ and ‘Up the Tones’, and every now and then point at the moon. Most were intoxicated too. Interestingly one of them was the priest. It’s a bit mad altogether.”
Brocagh car mechanic Seanie Dawson maintains his wife has taken grumpiness to a new level since the big moon showed up:
“She tore strips off me this morning for using the butter knife to unscrew the battery holder in the TV remote. Normally she’d just take it off me and give me a dirty look. This time she stabbed me in the shoulder 4 times and called me ‘a good for nothing oul bollocks‘. The sooner this moon is away the better. Super my arse.”
Artist’s impression
Meanwhile, men and women have both been complaining about unusual hair growth recently with a 300% spike in sales of Gillette razors in Cookstown and Omagh. Reports suggest that even Peter Canavan has been spotted sporting a few strands on his famed baldy dome.
Brackaville Par-3 Golf Course Ask For £50 Prize Money Back From Darren Clarke
First tee view
Officials at the internationally renowned Brackaville Golf Course are awaiting a response from Darren Clarke after they wrote him a letter asking for the £50 he won in a charity tournament in 1990. Internal investigations revealed that the Dungannon man failed to sign his scorecard at the end of his round. The then 22-year old reportedly spent the money on stout in the Brackaville GFC club.
“Rules are rules,” course manager Frank Fay told us. “This might be the best thing to happen to Darren – he’ll not make that mistake again.”
Fay added that Clarke’s ‘people’ told him over the phone that Darren hasn’t got £5o on him at the minute but that the next time he wins a big tournament he’ll definitely send over a cheque.
“That’s not good enough. I understand he hasn’t won much lately and is probably living off beans but debts are debts. We need that £5o as much as he does. The lawnmower’s bucked and Patsy’s goat has been under the weather so we’re stressed out here too. If we don’t see that money by the end of the month, there will be a couple of Brackaville boys making their way to his place, wherever that is.”
Fay also announced they have renamed the controversial 4th hole ‘The Rory McIlroy’ because that hole straddles both townlands of Roughan and Brackaville and people can have one foot in one place and the other in another creating a lot of confusion about where they are. He hopes the 4-time major winner will open the new hole ‘and bring a rake of fancy wemen with him‘.
Councils Vow To Make Rural Broadband Across The County, ‘A Bit More Broader’
After floods of complaints about poor response times and inconsistent network service across the county, councillors in Tyrone today pledged to residents to improve the broadband delivery network in all parts of Tyrone.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Local Councillor Enda McMann, said,
“Quite frankly, the broadband service provided by BT and Apple and Burger King and all them ones is cat. I live in Carland and it’s dung. There’s no one more frustrated than me of waiting for an image appear, horizontal slice by horizontal slice. It’s excruciating when trying to look at, like, you know, tractors and suchlike”, he said, shifting in his seat.
He went on,
“Things have to change. And we’re going to compel these big companies to make broadband much, much broader. That’s the thing, see. We need more broader broadband. That’s what we’re after. Broaderband in fact. That’s it. And then if you want Broadestband, maybe you pay a lock of extra pounds or something. Them BT boyos need to get up off their arses and get the bands widened. It can’t be that difficult. In fact, I have a couple of old scart cables lying in the attic doing hee haw. They can have them”.
Coming soon, to an exchange near you
Asked about his grasp of technical issues surrounding the challenges of extending internet connectivity, McMann said,
“Don’t talk to me about internet and Twitter accounts and fibre optics and all that. I know fibre when I see it. Jays, those Branflakes are packed full of the stuff, aren’t they? I had a quare bowl for breakfast yesterday morning and today it feels like I’m sitting on a elephant. In fact, would you excuse me for a few minutes?”
Returning a short time later, McMann continued with his theme.
“Yes, make no mistake, we’re going to organise a big demonstration outside the BT shop in Coalisland, with me at the front. Man of the people, that’s me. Banners and chants and all that”, he said proudly, before shouting at the top of his voice, “What do we want? More broadbands! When do want them? Now. Where do we want them? Inside them computer yolks”.
“I’m sorry, I think you’re going to have to excuse me again”.
Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’
By Aughoughilley SchnifflesRumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
The new Brackaville ghosts
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
Derrytresk Handbag Woman Favourite For Tyrone Assistant Manager Job
2015 handbag
Following the decision by Tony Donnelly to step down as Tyrone assistant manager this week, Paddy Power has installed The Handbag Woman From The Hill as an unbackable odds-on favourite to stand alongside Mickey Harte on the sideline in 2015.
The woman, who has yet to be identified, is reportedly considering her options as revealing her identity might result in a van load of Dromid Pearses supporters driven by Declan O’Sullivan arriving in Derrytresk to confront her.
A Tyrone backroom official told us:
“Mickey feels that the current squad have lost a wee bit of steeliness and that maybe they need a fresh face to put the fear of God into them. Everyone agreed that there was only one person for the job and she resides in the lowlands near Tamnamore. Breaking the news to the players will have to be sensitively dealt with. I know for a fact that Kyle Coney has nightmares about this woman.”
Critics of the pending decision point to the fact that she hasn’t got a moustache and that nearly all Tyrone managers or assistants have possessed some form of facial hairiness since the 1980s. The unnamed official debunked this theory:
“That can be worked on. Anyway, they’ll not get as far as looking at her face. It’ll be what’s in her hand they’ll be keeping an eye on.”
Other applicants include Tony Donnelly again, Gerry Adams and a man from Moortown with a marvellous moustache.
Meanwhile, sources close to the woman in question have revealed that she has already placed an order for an even bigger handbag in one of the club books she gets.
Tyrone Tribulations 
