Massive Wall To Be Built Around Garvaghey Complex To Combat Global Warming
Spectator at Owen Roes v Brocagh
Following reports of players frozen on the spot and goalkeepers needing two days of defrosting, Tyrone GAA officials announced that they’re to build a massive wall around their GAA facilities in Garvaghey – potentially becoming one of only a few manmade objects visible from space.
Complaints were made by gaels across the county that the new state-of-the-art complex outside Ballygawley was quite possibly the coldest place on the planet, rivalling Alaska, Russia and the Antarctic. An U16 player from Drumragh claims to have stalled mid-air fielding a kick-out and was only thawed into coming down to earth by several team-mates rubbing at his legs furiously.
County official Kieran McNelis informed us:
“Yes, we’re looking for a contractor to oversee the building of a massive quarter mile high wall around the entire complex to keep out the wind-chill from September til April. Only last week we had the terrible situation of an Owen Roes goalkeeper who, during a lull in play, decided to lick the ice off a goalpost and got his tongue stuck to it. Until the warm water arrived he had shipped in 4 goals. We feel that a massive wall would slow down the effects of global warming.”
Seven linesmen were also hospitalised with stiffness and the inability to let their flag go due to early signs of rigor mortis. McNelis added:
“There was also the unfair advantage afforded to Pomeroy and Galbally lads and lassies who revelled in the cold conditions, having acclimatised to mountain life over 1000s of years. Last week Mickey Harte nearly picked the whole Galbally side to play Derry before the penny dropped about the conditions.”
The building of The Great Wall of Garvaghey will commence in September 2014 and finishes in 2020 with Club Tyrone members having the choice of building half of it or doing the cement mixing.
Greencastle People May Be Amongst ‘Most Genetically Advanced On Earth’
All with Greencastle blood
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A report published yesterday by the World Institute of Genetic Studies has said that, contrary to general popular opinion, people from Greencastle may actually be amongst the most intellectually advanced and civilised on the planet.
Professor Wolfgang Schmidt who authored the report, said,
“It’s true. In a bizarre scientific anomaly named the Crockanboy Paradox, it appears that whilst these Greecastle people are high-functioning geniuses, they are painfully shy about it and so hide their astonishing intellect by deliberately behaving shifty and acting the lig, so their massive brainpower never actually reveals itself to us ordinary folk. Incredible”.
However, the report said that Greencastle people occasionally let the façade slip by accident, as confirmed by a secretly recorded conversation between scientists in disguise trying to catch people out, and a Greencastle man who was standing next to a bus stop shouting at some cows. When casually asked if he happened to know the secret of the universe, he responded,
“Eh, what? What do you want? Out of my buckin’ way. The Weakest Link’s starting. Life is an illusion and reality is merely a figment of the imagination hi”. After realising his mistake, he yelled, “Ye pair of feckers. Shift yer arses”,
before hurriedly lapsing into an incoherent rant about socks.
“Quite simply, we cannot understand what it is to be someone from Greencastle, to think like they do, to act like they do”, surmised Schmidt. “While we’re thinking about football or if there’s enough milk in the fridge to last until the weekend, they’re pondering loftier and superior issues like black holes, the infinity of God and those complicated Swedish TV programmes. But it’s when they gather together with their own kind in places like Eddie’s Crossroad, that’s when their exceptional brilliance manifests itself. It’s like an episode of Doctor Who or something. Bloody masterminds, the lot of them. They probably invented gravity in the olden days. And we believe the really smart ones may have perfected time travel, which explains why some of them walk about like they stepped out of the 1970s”.
The report also revealed that Donaghmore people, previously thought to be cultured, refined and sophisticated, actually have fewer chromosomes than the pollen fish, and that in future anyone from Donaghmore wishing to marry from out of the area may have to present a certificate which confirms that they have sub-standard genetic material.
Family At War Over Facebook Likes
James
A Newtownstewart family were said to be permanently divided after a Facebook comment about someone’s transfer test result descended into threats and people unliking comments. The innocuous status update “So proud of my wee son getting an A” posted by Hillary McConnell at 12:02pm accumulated 23 likes by 2:20pm from friends and family, with one neighbour commenting “well done James“.
Things began cutting up rough when Hillary noticed a status update by her brother on his wall about Man Utd. After apparently joking “why did you not like my status update about your nephew lol“, Hillary suffered the wrath of her brother Paddy and some of his family on her wall. Comments such as “why don’t ye tell us what ye had for breakfast“, “quit braggin and blowin” and “couldn’t be your child then ye idiot” sparked a series of comments, likes and unlikes from nearly everyone in the village.
Mary Norman fears for the area’s future:
“Some nasty things were said. Altogether 9000 people commented on that transfer test update with ancient family grudges stretching back 400 years brought up. It seems like Newtownstewart was a simmering volcano all this time and that one comment appears to have caused the eruption. Some handlin.”
This morning showed no signs of a peaceful resolution with a series of mock status updates by Paddy and his friends such as “My son tied his laces there now. So proud xxxx” being met with supporters of Hillary posting pictures of their online rivals with bad words written on them, or offers of ‘a slappin session outside Costcutters’.
PP Fr Deeny has called for a complete cessation of online displays of real or fake pride in their children until ‘everyone has a titter of wit’.
Brackaville Pop Duo Record Coalisland Tribute: ‘Island In The Stream’
From Brackaville
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A young couple from Tyrone hope to make it big in the charts by launching their debut single which could also put Coalisland firmly on the pop music map.
Using a cover version of the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers classic ‘Islands in the Stream’ with amended lyrics, Killian Grugan and Clare Toner, both from Brackaville, will release ‘Island in the Stream’ next month, inspired by the heavy rain experienced by the town in recent weeks, when at one stage Main Street almost turned into a river.
Unemployed sandwich-filler Toner, 22, agreed to share the lyrics of the first verse, which retains the same tune as the Dolly Parton version:
You do something to me that I can’t explain
Maybe it’s the people or the pelting rain
Or our Belfast links, it’s fifteen minutes there and back
Disneyland has nothing on our Newell Stores
Tiger Woods once played at Brackaville’s golf course
And our wemin he loved, Coalisland girls are mad for craic
The chorus then goes on:
‘Island in the Stream
Of that there is no doubt
Come see our deadly Spar
And mini-roundabout
Take a lovely cruise on our quare canal
And we’ve the Central Bar, ha ha
And the Yankee Star, ha ha
Other verses remain a secret but Toner revealed,
“We’ve done a whole verse on the parking facilities in the ‘Island, and we were going to do more on transport links but we couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with Ulsterbus”.
She went on to explain how the idea came about on the spur of the moment.
“One day we popped into O’Neill’s when it was bucketing down for a quick one, and we had this wile idea. Let’s put the ‘Island on the map. They were playing Dolly Parton in the background and we both love Dolly so what better way to big up the ‘Island than re-writing one of her best songs? To be honest we were hammered by that time, but fair play we’ve carried it through. We’re going to be the biggest boy/girl pop group since them ones like Sonny and Cher, or Cagney and Lacey.”
Grugan, 24, a full-time ear defender, responded to questions over the accuracy of the lyrics, saying,
“Aye, well maybe a fifteen minute round trip to Belfast is stretching it a bit, but we’ve got to appeal to the tourists from Americay. That’s why we’ve mentioned the canal, see? And I’m sure I heard that Tiger Woods once played golf here. Or maybe it was Darren Clarke. Or somebody”. He went on, “There’s plenty songs that have put places on the map before. Where would London be without ‘The Streets of London’, Glasgow without ‘I belong to Glasgow’ or New York without ‘Viva Las Vegas’? Even ‘Mountains of Pomeroy’ made Pomeroy world-famous”.
Hopes are high for interviews in the London Times, Le Monde and the Coalisland Post. If the single is successful, the duo intend to record another re-written Dolly Parton classic entitled ‘Nine To Five-miletown’.
Cappagh Woman Accused Of Being ‘Ladylike’, Punches Cow In Face
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Cappagh woman took matters into her own hands when she faced accusations of being ‘genteel’ and ‘ladylike’ from some of her friends.
38-year old Dervla McComish, a tractor mechanic from Cappagh, was accused of ‘behaving like a lady’, when she was spotted sticking her small finger up as she was drinking a pint of Carlsberg Super Strength in Tally’s Bar in Galbally on Friday night.
“I was affronted”, growled McComish. “I’ve not been that offended since my sister accused me of being ‘a bit feminine’ in 2006. Jaysus, I nearly bit her head off. Probably would have done if I had any teeth left. Can’t go around with a reputation like that”.
“Aw, they’re taking the haun out of her”, said brother-in-law Gary McCaffrey. “The last thing big Dervla is is ladylike. How anyone could look her in the eye and say something like that would be impossible. Partly because she’s got a lazy eye. Hard to know which one to look at”.
McComish was also accused of eating with her mouth closed, saying ‘please’ when ordering drinks at the bar, and trying to stifle her own farts.
McComish decided to prove her lack of womanliness by climbing into a neighbouring field and punching an unsuspecting cow in the middle of its face.
“You should have seen the poor thing”, said onlooker Mattie Cullen. “Went down like a sack of spuds. And the rest of the herd didn’t fancy their chances either going by all the dung in the field. Honestly, you don’t want to bump into Dervla McComish on a dark night. Come to think of it, you don’t want to bump into her in broad daylight either”.
On the way back into the pub McComish sought to dispel any remaining doubt as to her lack of femininity by head butting a skip.
McComish last wore a dress for the Ulster Young Mechanics Dinner in 1996, when she was described as looking ‘like Hugo in drag’, a comment that she was secretly pleased about as she had always had a thing for ‘cuddly wee singing men’.
Two Tyrone Marriages In Jeopardy After Brooks Ticket Calamities
Gareth Gates (not Brooks)
A Fintona couple’s marriage was said tonight to be beyond repair after a misunderstanding saw Bromwyn McQuaid receive two tickets for a Gareth Gates concert in a pub in Dublin instead of the Garth Brooks concert in Croke Park the same night.
Pat McQuaid, who queued for two days in the village for his wife’s 40th birthday present, made the monumental error despite listening to Brooks non-stop for 48 hours on the Main Street and looking at articles on the famed country and western singer:
“He had one thing to do. One buckin thing, and he cocks it up. I’d been boasting and winding up my friends about my Pat queuing for two days, all for my birthday. And he lands home with that boy’s gig. Whilst we’re listening to his version of Unchained Melody in an empty pub in inner-city Dublin, half the country will be dancing away to Standing Outside The Fire. Some 40th. He’s not allowed in til this is sorted.”
Garth Crooks (not Brooks)
Worse still, a Derrytresk man has been permanently thrown out of the house after landing home with two tickets for a Question and Answer session with Garth Crooks, the TV football pundit and ex-Spurs player, in London. Jack Wallace maintains his wife would still enjoy herself if she would broaden her horizons:
“Come on, it was an easy mistake. Brooks hasn’t been playing for years and you sort of forget what he looks like. They don’t look too dissimilar. The wife likes the GAA and this is sort of related as well so if only she’d give it a go and make the best of the blunder. Unlikely though, going by the ‘Jack Wallace Is Some Bollocks’ graffiti she paint-sprayed on my motor.”
Meanwhile, Hugo Duncan has turned down the chance to do the warm-up act every night for Brooks, citing that ‘it should be the other way about’.
Parishioners Queuing Already For Sunday Mass In Strabane
Queue for bus in Ardboe
Tyrone Tribulations can exclusively reveal that the queue for Garth Brooks tickets in Dungannon has set off a county-wide queuing addiction encompassing all manner of entertainment, in the hope of making it onto the news.
Our west Tyrone reporter Jasmine Cat revealed the extent of the phenomenon around the Strabane area:
“As we speak there is a queue of about 4o pensioners outside the front door at Strabane Parish Church for Sunday’s Mass at 10am, four days away. Fr Bollan is seen as someone who says a good quick mass and numbers are limited. Missing out means attending the noon Mass and it usually lasts the guts of an hour. There’s also a good size queue for the Strabane Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender drama night on Friday the 14th. That’s a quare wait for them; the majority are married farmers who just want to attend anything that might be free and for the chance of getting on TV.”
In the east of the county we have reports of large queues forming already outside the bru office in Dungannon for Monday’s payouts as well as for the bus at Quinn’s Coach Hire in Ardboe for the Derry game on Saturday night.
Ardboe Cross committee member reckons their queue is the most unusual:
“This queuing craic has to stop. There’s a queue of 200 for the Ardboe Cross even though it’s permanently open. No one is budging past the entrance gate. They’re just waiting til UTV or BBC get here. Sure not even the Mid-Ulster Herald are interested.”
Meanwhile a mile-long queue in a field in Ballygawley has finally dispersed after three days with no one quite clear what they were queuing for.
Traffic Warden Warned To Stop Punching The Air In Victory
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A traffic warden has been disciplined by Dungannon & South Tyrone Local Authority after complaints were made about inappropriate behaviour.
32-year old Fergus Devine from Clogher was given a formal warning after he was seen on YouTube giving out five parking tickets in quick succession and then insisting on passers-by doing a Mexican wave round Dungannon Square to celebrate. Complaints were also made to the Council after Devine incurred the wrath of several motorists for dispensing tickets and then singing ‘Simply The Best’ at the top of his voice whilst trying to high-five everyone, including the motorists to whom he had just given the tickets.
Devine defended his actions, saying,
“What’s wrong with taking a bit of pride in my work, eh? Those cars were parked illegally. Well, most of them were anyway, so they get a ticket. End of. No harm in a wee private moment of personal satisfaction. Maybe the fire crackers were a bit much, but still”.
Sources have revealed that Devine was cautioned last November for making loud cash register ‘kah-shing!’ noises every time he dispensed a ticket, and was warned again a month later for giving a parking ticket to Dungannon’s Christmas tree.
Irate motorist Dymphna Curran from Granville said,
“I was parked outside the library for two minutes last Wednesday and when I came back to the car that bollox was moonwalking next to it. I asked him what the craic was, and he just started doing a robot dance. Forty buckin’ quid it’s cost me. Eejit”.
The investigation also revealed that Devine has dispensed over 4,000 tickets in three years including several for seemingly trivial traffic violations, including ‘Driving with a face like a pishmire’, ‘Rubbish reverse parking’, ‘Listening to James Blunt’, and ‘Owning a crap car”. He also gave out more than twenty tickets for cars which had only stopped because the traffic lights were at red.
Standing in Thomas Street in Dungannon, a belligerent Devine said,
“Listen, if people don’t pa…”,
before breaking off mid-sentence to sprint after a Toyota Corolla which looked as if it was slowing down.
1000s Who Flocked To Tattyreagh To See Northern Lights Leave Disappointed
Omagh at night, not the Northern Lights
A gathering of 5600 sky enthusiasts were left disappointed and angry after social media outlets wrongly reported a clear and permanent sighting of the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) on Saturday and Sunday nights in Tattyreagh. Locals have denied it was another ploy to raise funds for the football club.
Skygazers from as far afield as Russia and Taiwan converged on the small townland only to discover the lights were simply Omagh in the distance.
Japanese astronomy expert Jon Hi was particularly upset after flying to Ireland with 140 of his countrymen:
“Some shower. I read on Twitter that the North Pole’s Aurora Borealis were brilliant in Tattyreagh. After finding it on the map, we made a 15000 mile journey only to find out it’s just the new streetlights Omagh up the road. I’m mightily pissed off with Tattyreagh and I’m going to blacken its name in Japan forever more.”
Tattyreagh Tourism Director Killian Hanratty denies it was a devious ploy to boost tourism to the area:
“They’re scandalous accusations being bandied about by them Fintona ones. I can’t deny that we’ve made serious money from the crisps and mineral stall we happened to have on the side of the road beside the big field that people were congregating on. 5000 thirsty people afterall. The proceeds will go towards new toilet facilities at the football pitch.”
This is the second time Tattyreagh has featured in the international news for a mistaken phenomenon. In 1986, thousands again flocked to Tattyreagh to see Halley’s Comet which had reportedly fallen onto the football field. It was later proven to be a Superser gas heater with all bars on. The money taken from the crisps and mineral stall that year paid for the football club’s new stand.
Brackaville Man Sues Opticians After Walking Through Glass Window
An angry Gillis
A 44 year old Brackaville boiler servicer has commenced legal proceedings against a Dungannon opticians after he walked straight into a glass window in the shop where he had just purchased his glasses. Harry Gillis, who has been wearing glasses since he was 7, claims he wasn’t told he had to wait for the lenses to be made, walking off with just the frame on his nose.
“At no time did they say I needed to wait for the lenses bit. I needed new glasses so they told me to pick what I liked from the shelf. After paying for them, the woman walked into the lab so I thought it was deal done and got up with my new specs on. The next thing I know I’m walking straight through a glass partition onto the street, completely shattering the whole window-wall. Everyone laughing made it worse.”
Boiler expert Gillis, who knew he needed new glasses las week after he serviced a neighbour’s dog kennel by mistake, reckons it was a townie v culchie practical joke.
“Them Dungannon townies are always making fun of us country ones calling us munchies and stuff. I think I was set up for their amusement as well as to bump up some business. I’m told the YouTube footage from their CCTV has 1.2 million views already. People forget I could have been hurt. Luckily I walk by kicking out my boots in front of me so they took the bulk of the damage. “
Legal expert Fergus Brogan from Stewartstown gives Gillis a chance of success:
“I have a good record. Last year I successfully sued Hollywood for $300 after a Coagh man claimed he was still having nightmares after watching Jaws 2.”
Storms Blew Things Across Atlantic To Tyrone Including Old People
Pensioners take off from States
With the news that a Canadian bird has landed in a lough in Tyrone after been forced over by storms, more people have come forward with other artefacts blown from across the Atlantic, including pensioners.
The Pacific Diver bird which was spotted in Lough Fea appears to have opened the floodgates as people now realise where the new things in their area have come from. Leo Daly, a fitter from Eglish, was one of the first to come forward with evidence:
“The news of that bird made the penny drop. Last week I went out the lift the milk one morning and I spotted two female pensioners sitting on top of my shed. I shouted for them to get down and they told me they had no idea where they were in these mad American accents. I just shrugged it off as one of those things.”
Pensioners were also spotted flying through the sky in Strabane, Newtownstewart, Sion Mills and Aghyaran. Scientist Pat Morgan explained this phenomenon:
“Old people are remarkably light and resilient. I myself have witnessed pensioners in The Moy being lifted 40-45 feet across a road on a good gusty day. In America it’s probably more common and relatives turn a blind eye to it as the elderly have an incredible homing ability when lost. 3000 miles is a long oul jaunt I suppose.”
The storm theory also solves the overnight appearance of a McDonalds with Canadians inside it in a field in Clonoe. Locals simply put it down to the unstoppable globalisation of the fast food brand until the customers finally emerged and started playing ice hockey down the Washingbay Road.
Authorities have warned locals not to be keeping any people blown over here and mysteriously claiming for dependents.
Local 500-Year Old Castle To Be Replaced With 2-Year Old Bouncy Castle
Proposed castle
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local man has confirmed that he is well on his way to securing significant funding for the redevelopment of the little-known Cappagh Castle on Lurgylea Road.
The news follows an article in last week’s Tyrone Times that one of Tyrone’s most important ancient sites, Tullyhogue Fort outside Cookstown, is to receive a major investment of almost £500K over the next two years.
“If them Tullyhogue boys can get a lock of pounds, then so can Cappagh”, said self-appointed spokesperson 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional grass grower from Altmore. “And we’re only asking for £100,000. You can buy a whole clatter of stuff with £100,000. There’s money to be made here. For the County, of course”,
he added hurriedly, whilst winking and rubbing his hands.
Kerrigan detailed his plans, saying,
“Cappagh Castle is fine, but it could be better. And in particular, much much bouncier. So we’re going to get planning permission to do away with all the old stones and all that ancient muck and build a huge bouncy castle. Jays, they’ll come from miles around boys”.
Asked whether a bouncy castle wouldn’t detract from what is currently a site of immense historical and cultural significant dating back to the 16th Century, Kerrigan replied,
“That’s the beauty of a bouncy castle. It’s a castle, isn’t it? We’re just replacing like for like really. And it will all be in keeping with all that ancient stuff, because I’m sure some of them medieval boys had helter skelters in the olden days too. And dodgem cars. Oh, and a Laserquest. It’s going to be quare”.
Many residents have not responded well to the news. Jack Toner, a 52 year old snake charmer from Sessiadonaghy Road, said,
“The press release said that the Castle’s a large mound next to Cappagh village, which has a depressed centre and is surrounded by trees. Depressed? How dare they, cheeky feckers. We’ve got our own recycling centre you know. And a new ‘Give Way’ road sign”, he added proudly.”
Cappagh Castle was reportedly built by Vikings who invaded Tyrone hundreds of years ago but thought the women were deadly and settled into the local lifestyle.
Tyrone Tractor-Seat Sniffer Still On The Loose
No seat is safe
The case of the Tyrone tractor-seat sniffer remains unsolved after two farmers in the Pomeroy area confirmed their own CCTV footage revealed a hooded elderly man sniffing the seats of a Massey Ferguson 231 diesel and 1992 Ford New Holland respectively late on Sunday night, half a mile apart.
This brings the total spottings to 188 since last summer, covering a wide area from Moortown in the extreme east of the county to Donemana near the Donegal border. The most recent victim, Kieran Grimes, admits he froze on the spot when he saw the shadowy figure sniffing away at the seat in the yard:
“I wasn’t convinced he existed until that moment I set eyes on him. I was thinking the other 100 or so farmers were taking the hand out of me. But it’s true bejaysus. He had a crooked back and was wearing a big dirty duffle coat and boiler suit bottoms and a wooly hat. Worst of all I could hear the sniffs. Big sniffs. I just froze. And he slipped away into the mist.”
PSNI say this is consistent with the other 187 sightings and warn farmers not to approach him. They quote the example of a Galbally vigilante farmer who ran at the phantom sniffer:
“Peader Tally made the mistake of confronting him before Christmas and regretted his bravery. The sniffer, described as probably in his 70s and with mad red eyes, pulled out a piece of blue piping and skelped Tally all about the legs. This man is dangerous. We’ll work something out.”
Local psychiatrist Marjorie Mullan maintains this is not a few phenomenon and that most farmers are addicted to the smell of tractor seats but usually keep to their own.
PSNI Defend Poor Record On Cattle Theft: Many Unsure What A Cow Looks Like
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Figures released by the PSNI last week confirmed that despite over 300 cattle have been stolen from the South Tyrone area since 2012, no arrests have been made.
Defending their record, DI Sean Robertson said,
“Listen. We’re up to our necks giving out parking tickets, and we’ve all this cattle theft to sort out as well. We’ve been told there’s 300 cattle been stolen. Well, we’ve not found a single one. Maybe they’ve got it wrong. Do they mean kettles?”
Robertson also explained the challenges some of his officers have had identifying cattle.
“Understand that some of these officers come from huge towns like Aughnacloy or Moygashel. They’ve rarely been out in the country, poor lads. Some of them don’t know what a cow looks like. And it’s easy. Cows is the ones that look like wee fluffy white clouds. Aren’t they? Or is that pigs?”
Responding to the criticism, Constable Ivor McDowell said,
“Where do you hide 300 cows? We’ve seen pictures and they’re enormous. We’ve been sent to butcher shops to see if we can find what might have happened to them, but it’s a waste of time. The only thing in them butcher shops is massive big pieces of meat and stuff. There’s no way you could hide a cow in there. It’s pointless. And anyway, you’d need an awful lot of milk for them to drink, wouldn’t you?”
Officers are also working on a theory that the cattle weren’t stolen at all, but instead that the cows might be playing a game of hide and seek with police.
“If that’s the case, wasting police time is a grave offence and can come with a custodial sentence”, said a stern Robertson. “If we find out that these cow things are deliberately giving us the run around, Jaysus, we’ll take the legs out from under them. Both of them. Or have they got four legs?”
In a separate incident, three cows were arrested last night in a field near Plumbridge for ‘urinating in a public place’.
Moy Woman Warns ‘Tang’ Husband Over Love For His Scania V8
A Moy civil servant has publicly announced she will throw her husband out of the house if he continues his love affair for his Scania V8 and general ‘tang’ lifestyle. Kelly Trucker, who admits to once having a liking for life on the road, didn’t realise the extent of her husband’s love for the tang experience.
“It’s just embarrassing now. We had a Christening in Armagh to go to last week and Roger arrived in his Scania jacket, Ben Sherman shirt open to the naval with oil stains, gold necklace, brown belt, denims and his Super Hampton boots – the same clothes he slept in. This is not the silage cutter I fell in love with as a teenager. That’s just full-on tang.”
Kelly admits the breaking point came when he suggested a weekend away in Donegal.
“I was thinking he was being all romantic. As it turned out we slept in his V8 Topline on two planks and them tassel curtains blowing about with newspapers Sellotaped to the windows for privacy. Then in the middle of the night I caught him looking at a photo in his wallet. It was a newer V8 Scania with 6 spot lights, 4 spots in the visor and a side pipe. I was humilaited. I’d have felt better if it had been a woman from Eglish. If I hear ‘Friends In Low Places’ one more time….”
Roger Trucker doesn’t know what all the fuss is about:
“She’s overreacting, hi. Kelly fell for me when I cut my teeth on the grass and the magic is still there. My HGV licence changes nothing. She used to love the R620 flat out to the wire on the Armagh Road doing drops in Newry. Jaysus she can pull high, hi. Now I’ve the V8 and she’s all jealous like.”
Kelly has given Roger 48 hours to ditch the V8 and dress like a normal Moy man.
Peter Canavan Theme Park Set To Open 2015
Peter acting the lig
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
It was confirmed last night that a long-awaited fun park will definitely open in Tyrone next year without doubt, subject to funding, planning applications, sponsors, advertisers, environmental concerns, staffing, and demand for tickets.
‘Canavan World’, a family fun park based around the celebrated and popular GAA Tyrone footballer Peter Canavan, is the brainchild of 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional beard grower and entrepreneur from Ardboe.
“Make no mistake”, announced a bold Kerrigan, “My ambition for a project of this scale knows no bounds. Canavan World is going to be biggest thing this side of Craigavon. Aye, that big. Peter’s some boy and he deserves worldwide recognition. This park will make him more famous than Bono, Sting and His Holiness all put together”.
In a bare-faced show of audacity Kerrigan intends to base the park close to Canavan’s home town of Glencull in direct competition with the nearby Ballygawley play park.
“Fair enough, Ballygawley might have a swing and a slide and a wee bin for smokers, but I’m confident we can go head-to-head with it for the international tourist trade”, declared Kerrigan.
Leaked documents confirm that some of Kerrigan’s proposed ideas and attractions include: –
• ‘The Peter Canavan One-Man Show’ – doesn’t involve the man himself but instead a video replay of the entire 1995 All-Ireland Final against Dublin, when Canavan scored nearly all of Tyrone’s points on his own.
• Church of Canavan. A brand new church dedicated to Peter, blessed by the Vatican, where converts spend three hours a week praying to Vidal Sassoon, patron saint of follicles, for Peter to grow a big bushy head of luxuriant blond hair.
• Peter Canavan Arena. Like Las Vegas but bigger. Malachi Cush to do a 10-year residency, like the ones Elton and Celine do. Ask Philomena to do it when Malachi wants a weekend off.
• Premier showing of ‘The Karate Kick’. Re-make of the 1980’s movie, ‘The Karate Kid’, starring Peter Canavan as an old Japanese man teaching Eoin Mulligan the ancient and mystical secrets of how to elbow a defender in the face without the referee seeing.
• Peter’s Water World. The man himself re-enacts some of his greatest goals, in a tank filled with 3,000 gallons of water and a killer whale.
• Canavan’s ‘Goal-er’ Coaster. A chance to watch Peter’s greatest points whilst travelling at speeds of up to 140mph, whilst sitting beside a cub scout who’s trying to drink orange and eat a cheeseburger.
• Peter Canavan Circus: Featuring Hugo Duncan as the ringmaster, Mickey Harte as the lion tamer, Stephen O’Neill as the strongman, and Joe Brolly as the clown.
Volunteers wishing to get involved with the project should submit a full CV with doctor’s certificate confirming they haven’t lost their marbles, to http://www.doomed-to-fail.com
Loughshore Metal Detecting Man Despondent After Error
Scotch and Brennan
A flying metal detecting enthusiast was last night described as downbeat after he realised his plane was setting off his detector and not valuable artefacts under the moss around the loughshore, 1000 feet below the plane.
Jim Scotch, who has been on the hunt for archeological finds for many years, was convinced he was on to something big for the last year after his metal detector was bleeping furiously any time he took to the sky. Best friend and fellow historian Jack Brennan admitted it was a bit of a blow for Scotch:
“Aye, he’s a bit pissed off like. He had me convinced that there was some kind of metal ship or ancient city under the bog around Derrylaughan even though it made no sense from that distance up. He’d been flying every day over the area mapping where the bleeper was going off like mad and to be honest it was everywhere. That’s when the penny dropped with me.”
Brennan carefully approached Scotch about the possibility that it might be the plane setting off the detector and was met by a swift dig to the jaw.
“I think he was taking it out on me. 12 months down the drain, like.”
Scotch turned on the detector and found no evidence on metal under the bog whilst on foot and admitted his error after it bleeped non-stop when he went near his plane.
“He took it badly and cursed everyone, even the church. Then he tramped and jumped up and down on his detector, smashing it to pieces. I wouldn’t have minded normally, only I loaned him it. He even kicked his wee plane.”
Scotch was unavailable for comment.
Doubts Cast On Educational Value Of Priests’ Trip To Beer Festival In Germany
1954 trip to Germany
A group of priests from the Clogher Diocese have been accused of wasting parishioners’ donations after they attended a three-day beer festival in Germany last week. The 20-strong group strenuously maintain the purpose of the visit was simply educational as they were gathering vital info on ‘what young one are into these days‘ and that they also attended Mass every day ‘so it wasn’t all fun and games.’
Fr Hurson, PP of Edendork, attended the weekend and was first to face the press, wearing dark sunglasses and talking rather gruffly:
“I’m shocked and dismayed at these allegations. You can’t accuse us of not being in touch with the younger generation and then as soon as we make an attempt to integrate ourselves we’re castigated for over-indulgence. There was none of that. The lads averaged 10 pints a day and that’s not that bad when you consider we were on the batter from 12pm tip midnight each night.”
Archbishop Devlin, originally from Greencastle, re-endorsed this stance:
“This is a yearly tradition and a valuable insight into modern things. The boys brought home some very interesting observations about the effects of German beer on the mind as well as a few samples for us in the hierarchy. And it must be said, the Germans can make a fine brew.”
Kitty Graham, an avid mass-goer from Tattyreagh, was not convinced of the educational value of such a junket:
“These boys are some craic. I was at mass this morning and one of the culprits, Fr Loughran, was in no fit state to say it. He completely missed out the gospel, make a terrible knock knock joke and was in really bad form with one of the altar boys who sneezed. He seemed badly hungover.”
Clogher official Bishop Farry has cancelled next month’s expedition to Amsterdam.
Healy Park Scoreboard Man Hospitalised With RSI. Stable Now.
McCabe in happier times
Carlito McCabe, who works the scoreboard at Healy Park in Omagh, was described as ‘stable’ today after he was admitted late last night with Repetitive Strain Injury. McCabe, who was on duty during Tyrone’s 5-16 to 0-7 hammering of neighbours Armagh, began complaining on the way home of pains in his wrists and elbows before couping onto the pavement outside The Silver Berch with excruciating stiffness. According to Zappettini & Bradley – this type of injury would be defined as a workplace injury.
Healy Park gateman and close friend, Kieran McMahon, is adamant the Mickey Harte and his Tyrone side should issue a formal apology to his fellow clubman.
“I knew he was in trouble at half time. Tyrone had already racked up 2-10 by that stage and that’s some getting up and down in the cold weather for McCabe. I sent word into the Tyrone changing room at half time to tone it down a bit for McCabe but you know yourself, Mickey can be a headstrong fellow. We saw that when Tyrone scored another goal within 30 secs of the restart. It was a dagger through the heart of McCabe who had only managed to sit down after a boul of soup. I should’ve said nothing.”
McCabe maintains he will seek compensation from the Tyrone County board.
“The elbow is banjaxed. When Tyrone scored their 5th goal all I could shout was ‘Sweet Jaysus and The Holy Donkey’. Them there numbers are heavy. I’ll be expecting a couple of pounds from both county boards. “
Tyrone County Board issued a statement offering best wishes to McCabe for a speedy recovery but told him to count his lucky stars for all those wides in the first half.
‘Strictly’ Fever Has Taken Tyrone Men By Storm
Cabragh man dancing deadly
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The success of the the BBC’s recent series of Celebrity Come Dancing has kick-started a ballroom dancing revolution amongst men across the County.
Barny Patton, a farmer from Carnteel, admitted that the dancing bug had got a hold of him.
“I’ve always been forward thinking when it comes to technology. I see myself as a bit of a Fred Astaire and having no sense of rhythm whatsoever isn’t going to stop me. And neither is a club foot. Dancing’s class. There’s nothing I like more than slipping into my tailcoats and top hat after I’ve finished rounding up the cattle.”
Asked for his expert view to help make sense out of the phenomenon, Russian-born former top ballroom dancer Demitri Vladovic addedd,
“Them Tyrone boyos are mad hoors for the ballroom. It’s all high kicks and suchlike any time you see a group of men round Dungannon Square. They can’t get enough of it. Walk into Paddy Power in Scotch Street and it’s like Riverdance ”.
“They do the zumba in Killeeshil Community Centre every Monday night, and I reckoned they’d go wild for the ballroom”, admitted dance enthusiast Gareth McAvoy, a 42-year old mechanic from Cabragh . “So I walked straight in and grabbed this big redhead by the waist and leaned her backwards like in thon picters of returning American GIs, until her head was nearly on the floor. Classy? You’d think so, but she didn’t. And neither did the police. £300 fine and an injunction from going within 500 yards of the community centre for the next two years. Tara”.
Sources confirmed that many hen sheds across the County have secretly been converted into make-shift ballrooms.
“I didn’t think much of it to begin with”, said wife Sheila Cunningham. “Why shouldn’t my husband install a 3-foot wide glitterball hanging down from the roof? I just thought it was there to cheer them poor wee chickens up. But when I saw him execute a perfect cross-body lead with reverse turn whilst scooping three dead hens up off the floor, I started to have a few suspicions”.
Other men confirmed that they struggled to find an outlet for their passion.
“I went to Mantis Night Club in Omagh on Saturday”, explained 23-year old slaughterhouse worker Frankie Cush from Drumquin. “I thought it would be the perfect location to throw a few of my new ballroom moves, but it was a fiasco. You try doing the pasa doble to ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ by the Prodigy. I ended up having to switch to the rhumba. I was mortified”.
Meanwhile, the influence of reality television shows continues unabated following reports of a surge in menfolk banning wives from kitchens whilst they have a ‘mad try at the baking’.
Tyrone Tribulations 