FBI Swamp Stewartstown For Kennedy Anniversary
Stewartstown locals have admitted they are slightly unnerved by the ‘rakes of boys talking down their sleeves in American accents’ walking about the town this week in the run up the anniversary of JFK’s assassination in 1963. Stewartstown has been on everyone’s lips across the world this week due to their home-town boy and Special Agent William Robert Greer who joined the Secret Service in 1945 having served in the US Navy during the war. He was a trusted servant and acted as a personal bodyguard to both Presidents Truman and Eisenhower before being chosen to drive John F Kennedy through Dallas on 22 November 1963.
The FBI appear to have not just reopened the case against Greer, but are actively pursuing the theory that Stewartstown may have been central to many international incidents over the last century. Some of these include:
- Wall Street Crash
- Faked Moon Landing
- Nazism
- Cuban Missile Crisis
- Elvis Presley
- Watergate Scandal
- Smallpox
- In the buff Sammy Wilson’s holiday pictures
An FBI official confirmed they’re taking a ‘no-crap’ stance with Stewartstonians:
“Greer may be an innocent man but the more we learn about his homeplace, the more we’re sure that this may just be the dastardliest place on planet Earth. Just yesterday I heard a man outside the Credit Union saying the whole Kennedy stuff was going to be ‘deadly’. What did he mean? What are these monsters going to carry out? Make no mistake – Stewartstonians are capable of anything in our book.”
So far, the FBI have raided 60 homes looking for incriminating evidence on PCs and under beds. Unfortunately only one computer has been found and it was a Commodore 64 from 1986 in full working order. They’ve also confiscated 120 books, 90 of them a pamphlet on the history of the Stewartstown Pipe Band. The other 30 were Fifty Shades of Grey.
SF councillor Jackie Logan fumed:
“They’re a tarra nuisance with their ‘hey men’ and ‘got any candy lady?’. They’ll find nothing here”
concluded Logan with a wink and a gap-toothed smile.
‘Ross Kemp: In Galbally’ To Be Filmed Next Year
Ross Kemp, the award winning investigative journalist famous for “Ross Kemp: In Afghanistan” and “Ross Kemp: The Middle East” has admitted he faces his toughest assignment yet when he attempts to infiltrate the Galbally underworld of diesel and poitin.
Kemp made it clear that he expects a frosty reception but is determined to crack what he calls ‘the most dangerous place in Europe’ or something like that.
“Listen, I’ve done all the war torn areas on this planet but wherever I went people would always mock me and ask why I haven’t been to Galbally. Even one of the Taliban boys had a picture of the Galbally football team in his car. It’s an itch I need to scratch and it’s happening next year. Galbally, I’m coming for you.”
In a show of defiance, three Galbally boys sitting on a stone wall ‘keeping watch’ told us where they think Kemp can jump:
“If a boy from Eastenders thinks he can come over here and clean up the place, he’s going to be sorry lad heading back over the Irish Sea, probably with a bottle of strawberry poitin in his back pocket.”
Another added:
“This is just David Attenborough all over again. He came over here in the 80s to study us for the BBC. He ended up in Tally’s the whole week on the pure stuff and driving around on the ‘home-brew fuel’ as we call it. The program was never made. It’ll be the same with this Grant Mitchell boy- we’ll have him slamming down the craytur and shouting ‘yahooooo’ at Cappagh wemen by midweek. I hope he brings his ma Peggy for the craic.”
Meanwhile Cappagh brothers Brian and Mark Hurl have released their song aiming for an Ireland Christmas No.1 called ‘These Are A Few Of My Hatefulist Things’, made famous by Julie Andrews but with a Cappagh slant. As a teaser, they have released their opening lines:
Checkpoints on corners with long diesel dippers
Cleaning the clubhouse and using paint strippers
Wemen on tables when Gareth Brooks sings
These are a few of my hatefulist things
Paddy Power is offering 1000-1.
Tension Mounts In Loughmacrory Household As Dishwasher Sits Unemptied For Third Day
Frosty at the ‘Lough
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Tensions increased further between a husband and wife in Loughmacrory yesterday as the dishwasher lay unemptied for the third consecutive day.
Paul and Dymphna Clarke of Ballybrack Road in Loughmacrory have not emptied the dishwasher since Thursday night, with each placing the responsibility on the other to do so. Sources close to the couple say that the rationale presented by both parties for their ongoing intransigence is that ‘it’s not my feckin’ turn’.
It is believed the dispute was sparked by ‘thon big casserole dish’ used to make Thursday’s shepherd’s pie, which, despite its cycle in the dishwasher, still needs scoured by somebody for at least five minutes with a brillo pad to get all the scrapey burnt bits off.
With no end in sight to the stand-off, sanctions came into force last night, with Paul withdrawing conjugal services by refusing to take his Viagra, no longer taking the ashes out to the garage, and ignoring his wife’s requests to Sky-Plus Cash In The Attic as she doesn’t know how to work the machine.
This morning Dymphna responded with measures of her own, by intentionally putting too much milk in Paul’s tea, deliberately over-boiling his eggs so that they’re no longer ‘deadly soft the way he likes them’ and refusing to shave his back. The row now looks close to crisis point, with both parties having run out of dishes and cutlery.
“For feck’s sake, it’s gone beyond a joke”, said an irritated Dymphna. “Last night I ended up having spuds off an old Frisbee I found in the attic, and I saw that eejit eating toast off a hub cap for breakfast yesterday. Still. I’m not emptying it. It’s his turn, the bollox”.
Her husband was equally belligerent.
“She needs to wise up. I ended up using the remote control as a spoon for my cereal this morning. Can you imagine? And I caught her eating her yoghurt with a shoe horn. Enough’s enough. It’s her turn though. I’m not doing it”.
“He’ll see sense soon enough”, maintained Dymphna. “I can watch Cash In The Attic at my sisters, and Viagra? Is he having a laugh? He only ever takes it to stop him rolling out of bed, the clift”.
A resolution any time soon appears unlikely.
Irish Government Leak Plans To Quarry ‘Whole Of Tyrone’
Tyrone in 2016?
Tyrone Tourism Officer Candy McClean has urged his office to drop the ‘Amongst The Bushes’ county slogan after a leaked document from Dublin revealed plans to immediately quarry the whole of Tyrone as soon as they have the authority to do so. The controversial plans, code-named ‘Dig Her Up 2016’, will see the entire population of Tyrone relocated to Fermanagh, Armagh, Donegal and Monaghan. Dissenters will be threatened with a move to Derry.
McClean admitted:
“Aye, it’s a bit of a disaster alright. Like, what do they expect to find in the east of the county? That’s just swampland. We’ll have to change our famous slogan as there’ll be no bushes at all in the new Tyrone. Maybe ‘Tyrone – It’s a Great Big Hole’. I used to be all on for a United Ireland til I heard this. Them Dublin ones are ruthless.”
Not all locals were completely against the potential digging session. Harry Askew from Eskra remained unfazed by the plans:
“My message to the rest of the county is dry yer eyes. Up here in Eskra they’ve been quarrying the dung outta us for years and sure we still won the Intermediate Championship. It’s been like this for us as well as Carrickmore, Drumnakilly, Mountfield, Greencastle, Mullaslin, Altamuskin and Altcloughfin for as long as we can remember. You get used to the vibration, dust, stoor, drilling sounds and all after a while.”
Askew denied that he was turning a blind eye to the mass upheaval because he owns the world’s largest quarrying equipment business.
Quarrying is expected to begin within days of a political handover. Senior Unionist politicians have privately admitted they’d reconsider their allegiance to the crown if it meant Tyrone and, in particularly McElduff, were totally excavated.
Spontaneous Re-Enactment Of Scene From ‘Ghost’ Leaves Urney Wife Unimpressed
Ghost Oh!
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A husband’s efforts to romantically create a famous scene from a famous movie went largely unappreciated by his wife.
Sean McAleer, a 58 year old mechanic from Urney, returned home from work on Tuesday to find his wife Anne preparing the evening meal, and decided upon an impromptu homage to ‘Ghost’, the award-winning 1990 movie featuring Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg.
“Well, I had had a couple of swift ones after work, see”, he explained. “I got home and I thought Anne would like a wee thrill while she was making my tea. We’ve a big tub of Swarfega heavy duty hand-cleaner that sits in the larder, so I lubed up the hands and went straight in for a wee cuddle singing the song from the ‘Ghost’ fillum. Anne was kneading dough for the apple crumble and I knew she’d like a wee thrill”.
His wife however had a somewhat different perspective of events.
“The bollix was pished. He could hardly walk. These big manky hands appeared round my waist and he started singing, ‘You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling’. Jaysus, there was a powerful smell of the drink off him. And it’s not even the right song, the eejit. I ended up with apple peelings all down my jumper”.
Sean said he was inspired both by the smash hit movie ‘Ghost’ and by a recent show him and his wife attended at the Banter Theatre in Dungannon, where producer Oliver Carr sold out 7 nights with his Tyrone adaptation of the movie, called ‘Ghost Oh’.
“I’ve always loved that ‘Ghost’ movie”, said McAleer. “Patrick Swayze was class with all the deadly dancin and high kicks and suchlike. ‘Ghost Oh’ was even better though. It’s about these dead eels that haunt Irish Dancers in Moortown”.
In a separate incident last week, McAleer was questioned by police after trying to re-create the Mylie Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball’ video in the middle of Dungannon Park, using an old space hopper, a claw hammer, and some blue rope.
Dr Brian Cox Can’t Explain Concept Of Time In Stewartstown
A Stewartstown taxi-driver
After five days of intensive observation, housewife eye-candy Dr Brian Cox has headed back to England ‘despondent and bewildered’ after failing to explain how time has developed completely different dimensions in Stewartstown compared to everywhere else in the world.
Speaking from his laboratory in London, Cox revealed a few of the unsolvable conundrums which have left him a broken man:
“They kept this from us at the College of Physics I went to. For example, on the first night I went for a pint in the Roadside Tavern and the bartender said he’s be with me ‘in a minute’. I timed him and he returned to me in 4 mins 33 seconds. In that period he had checked the horse racing and spoke to another punter about Logan and the Under 21s. I just couldn’t work out if I’d just witnessed time travel or not. I couldn’t sleep that night.”
As Cox collected more evidence of a parallel universe in Stewartstown he explained another phenomenon which confirmed that time had different properties in mid-Ulster.
“I wanted to go to Cookstown to buy jeans in the world-famous market and asked a local if I needed to get a bus to there. He said it was ‘only down the road’ and that it was only ‘a locka minutes’. TWO HOURS it took walking and I was near wrote off on the Poplar Hill Road by a boy from Lissan in an Escort. That confirmed to me that ‘time’ as we know it has bypassed Stewartstown.”
Cox is also investigating the possibility that time is also standing still since the 80s after discovering the following telltale signs:
- 80% of 40 year olds are still wearing A-Team sweatshirts
- Every night closing time in pubs is signalled by the playing of ‘The Final Countdown’ by Europe
- Many parents collected their children from school on space-hoppers
- ‘I Shot JR’ is spray-painted on most gable walls.
- ‘Big Hair and Mullet’ combo sales in local barbers.
Tullyhogue Priest Irritated At Number of Parishioners Leaving Mass Early
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A parish priest has made an impassioned plea to parishioners to stop trying to duck out early from Sunday mass, after a man in his 40s was caught dressing up as a 3-year old child so that he could sit in the crying chapel and leave early.
“Matters have gone beyond a joke”, complained Father Sean O’Leary of The Church of St Thomas, in Tullyhogue. “The most dangerous place in Tyrone is thon chapel car park after mass on a Sunday morning. I’ve seen pensioners sprinting for their cars who thirty minutes before could scarcely get their arses up off the pew to come up for communion. What’s the world coming to? Sunday’s sermon was one of the best I’ve done, all about Christian existentialism and the undecidability of faith. I totally nailed it, so people can’t complain that it wasn’t a riveting listen. And if they think I’m going to do all the exciting stuff on ecumenical theology, they can think on”.
Local man Eugene Moody, a 42-year old bird’s nest maker, admitted trying to pass himself off as a toddler.
“It’s all very well for Father O’Leary to go bangin’ on about the mystery of God and sucklike, but I had a slurry tank to clean. I thought the easiest way was to go into the crying chapel and then nip out early. What’s wrong with that? It was all goin’ fine, except I had had a skinful the night before at Tally’s in Galbally and my stomach was like one of thon lava lamps yolks from the 70s.By the time I came back from communion I was sweating like a horse and so help me God I vomited all over my romper suit. Jaysus, you should have seen the looks I was getting. At least I caught most of it in my bonnet. And then five minutes later did this weean next to me not go and do exactly the same thing, and nobody batted an eyelid. Explain that”.
Father O’Leary has since promised those parishioners who stay until the end of next Sunday’s mass that he will ‘have a wee word with the Lord about a lock of extra salvation’.
New Antifreeze For Cattle Not Selling Well Says Brocagh Entrepreneur
Brocagh cattle today
A new farming product on the local market has failed to sell even one unit after its release in most East Tyrone shops over the weekend. Brocagh inventor, Seamus Davidson (44), was said to be perplexed at the lack of sales and has asked shops to give it a week before burning their stock.
The product, “Coul Cows”, is an industrial antifreeze which is put into cattle feed in order to thaw them out in winter mornings, making them more productive for hard-up farmers across the county. It can also be injected straight into their rectum. Davidson explains:
“I was thinking that if it works for cars it’ll work for cattle. I just don’t understand why it’s not selling. These scaremongering scientists are saying that the chemical additive is pure poison and will kill within seconds but sure didn’t they say that smoking was OK years ago. People need to loosen up. The cattle will be in far better form and mooing away contently knowing they’ve digested their version of thermal underwear.”
Davidson is said to be most annoyed about the protest held outside Brocagh Stores, led by his own mother Frances Davidson:
“Our Seamus is a buck eejit. He has always treated cattle like motors. Years ago he was near arrested in Moortown for trying to insert a petrol nozzle into a cow’s backside at the fuel pumps. He’s always oiling their joints too with Gastrol GTX and bringing them into drive-thru car washes. Do not buy this product.”
Davidson has applied to appear on Dragons’ Den although animal rights activists have promised to wreck the BBC if he is given any air-time at all.
Golden Wedding Couple Offer Advice To Youngsters
The Happy Couple
Drumquin couple John and Mary Kane celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary yesterday with a word of warning for young people starting out on a marriage today. The happy couple, both aged 71, revealed some of their ups and downs since they were married in 1963 on a cold and frosty morning at the foot of Dooish Mountain.
Mary, an ex-vetinary surgeon, was first to offer her pearls of wisdom:
“It’s not easy, like. Familiarity breeds contempt so you’re best to decide early on that you’re going to annoy this person as often as possible for the rest of your life. If you succeed, reward yourself with a brandy or new lipstick. Little tricks included using the sport section of the Irish News for lighting the fire on a Monday morning before he has read it. It used to drive him to total despair, wrecking the house. I’d be full by midday.”
John, a fighter pilot by trade, also dipped into his treasure box of experience:
“I agree with Mary. The magic goes after three years. Then she becomes an enemy. My war experience helped here. I remember a great piece of advice my father gave me: ‘Marriage is like a game of cards. Starts with two hearts and a diamond and ends with clubs and a spade’. We’ve been metaphorically clubbing at each other for 47 years now. It’s neck and neck for who’ll be left holding the spade.”
John listed selective hearing, secretly hiding the remote when the racing is on and putting empty cartons and packets back in the fridge as key tactics in the long war. Mary added her best manoeuvres as hiding the toilet roll, walking slowly in front of the TV during big matches and leaving no petrol in his car.
John and Mary will celebrate again today with a good old-fashioned argument about the wrong wheaten bread be bought last week.
Dungannon Council Propose A Rescheduling Of Christmas
In what has been described as a ‘brave and completely nonsensical’ proposal, Dungannon Council have tabled a bid to the central County Authority to postpone Christmas this year until next February or so. The bold idea was drawn up this morning in an alleyway in Scotch Street with all six members of the powerful council agreeing to put back the holiday in a straight swap for Valentine’s Day, blaming the mild weather for the change.
Seamus McAliskey, a 30 year old steam train driver from the lowlands, reckons there’s a dark secret they’re not telling us:
“Listen, I was in Germany last week driving a train and all these Germans were asking me if it was true that Dungannon spent all its money on dud sparklers and bangers from Nutt’s Corner. Apparently that’s all the talk on the continent. I reckon the buggers have no money for lights and stuff til the new budget comes through in January.”
Dungannon Lord Mayor Hilary McGettican refutes the allegations:
“Whilst I acknowledge the mistake we made with the Algerian sparklers, we still have money left. We are proposing having Christmas on the 25th of February for many reasons. I am now going to talk in bullet points…”
- There’s no money in the country at this time for builders, gardeners and farmers
- There’s usually far more snow in February
- We can raid shops in other counties for half price stock-clearance Christmas stuff in the week after Christmas
- It’s far too close to Boxing Day and the New Year
- We won’t have to listen to Slade or Mariah Carey on the radio”
Under the new conditions, if passed, Valentine’s Day will be sandwiched between Christmas Eve and St Stephen’s Day.
The central council will debate the proposal on Tuesday straight after they deal with the 10th Tattyreagh bid for city status.
In other news, Coalisland’s Olly Kerr has reminded people his threat from last year still stands – Click here . He has added to his hit list anyone who posts “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” on their facebook status.
‘King of Beragh’ Sacked
Grimes last week
A Beragh call centre manager has been sacked after it emerged he was repeatedly late for work after lunch having spent ‘up to two hours’ in Burger King every day.
Cecil Grimes, a 45-year old recent divorcé, had hoodwinked his employers and family into believing he was the King of Beragh and that the Burger King crown was a traditional headwear for the title. It was only when he was photoed on the Burker King billboard as ‘Eater of the Year’ wearing his BK crown that officials became suspicious of his claim.
Call centre director Johnny Mulgrew explained:
“To give him his credit, he had us well fooled. Every day at 2pm, he’d arrive late after work wearing his Burger King crown and told us he was away doing ‘kingy’ things like opening hairdressers and knighting people. And we believed him as he also had a big golden cloak. It turns out he stole that from the church vestry years ago.”
Grimes was finally rumbled after a billboard appeared in Beragh Main Street showing a 30ftx30ft image of Cecil with his Burger King Eater of the Year award around his neck. Mulgrew added:
“That was when the penny dropped. We contacted Burger King and they said that Cecil had devoured two Chicken Royale meals every lunch time for three years, earning him a crown every day. He’s some bollox that boy.”
Cecil Grimes’ family have also admitted they were tricked into believing he was the King of Beragh and that it’ll take a long time to forget what he has put them through in recent weeks. A cousin told us:
“Some handlin. I heard he sat on a throne and all in his living room and had all manner of servants bringing him grapes and stuff. Sure he put his wife into a dungeon for a pile of months for not recording the All-Ireland Final which led to her eventually divorcing him. Some craic altogether.”
23 stone Grimes has since emigrated to America hoping to become America’s Next Top model.
Donaghmore Woman Denies Being Seen Shopping In Lidl
say nothing
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Donaghmore woman has strenuously denied being seen shopping at Lidl in Dungannon on Monday evening. Friends of 36-year old Marie McAleese reported that a woman matching her description was spotted in Dungannon on Monday evening at approximately 7.20pm, wearing dark glasses and pretending to have a limp, walking into the popular discount retailer in Market Yard.
“It’s a pack of lies”, protested McAleese. “I wouldn’t be seen dead in that place. Even if they are selling 40 metres of clingfilm for only £2.99. Jaysus, it’s nearly £4 in Asda. Anyway, I always to go Marks & Spencer for my shopping. And sometimes Tesco, but that’s only for milk and bread. And I’ve been complaining for years that Waitrose should open up a shop in Donaghmore. And Selfridges. So what would the likes of me be wanting in Lidl, buying multi-packs of Hula-Hoops at 89p for 7 packets? That’s no good to me. I don’t even like crisps. Except maybe cheese and onion. They’re okay. And the barbeque beef ones”.
A close friend of McAleese’s confided,
“Marie’s always been up herself. Too snooty for her own good. Who cares if she goes into Lidl? I heard she was in there the previous week wearing a balaclava, carrying a whole clatter of McVitie’s digestive biscuits. Enough to feed an army. That one’s got an eye for a bargain, make no mistake”.
On Monday McAleese allegedly purchased several bags of groceries, including 6 tins of Lidl’s own-brand baked beans, a ‘Fruits of the Forest’ Fresh Cream Luxury Meringue, and a big box of Midget Gems.
“Meringue? Are you having a laugh?” snorted McAleese. “I do all my own home baking. I’d never think about buying a shop-bought meringue. I’d make it at home with, you know, the flour and the milk and the yeast and suchlike. These are just stories making out that I’m some sort of cheapskate”. She went on, “I won’t have my head turned by that place, even if they are selling Carte D’Or Vanilla Ice Cream for £1.50 or £2.50 for two. And anyway, they weren’t digestives. It was Rich Tea I wasn’t buying. 99p a pack. Deadly”.
Shock As Local Loughmacrory Youngster Says ‘Thank You’ To Shopkeeper
Thanking Man’s choice
The entire county was awash this morning with awe and wonderment after it emerged that a 15 year old Loughmacrory student thanked the shopkeeper after being handed a quarter pound of white bonbons, costing 89p. Rumours began to emerge late this afternoon that the boy in question, Ronan O’Brien, uttered his thanks without the shopkeeper or parent saying ‘well, what do you say?’.
Henrietta Maguire, a retired headmistress from Clogher, was first to ring our breaking news hotline. She maintains the young boy must be out of his head:
“To be honest I refuse to believe that the young lad thanked the shopkeeper of his own free will. I have been working with young people since the 1950s and the last thanks I got in 1986 when a girl said ‘thanks Miss’ after I gave her class 300 sums to do. I think she was being sarcastic. There’s no way that young Loughmacrory lad thanked them for the bonbons unless he was out of his head on something. He probably said two other words but was misquoted”.
Loughmacrory sheep-warmer Johnny Jacobs disagrees:
“I’m not overly surprised. There had been talk of this young vigilante group emerging in Loughmacrory who tidied their bedrooms and put cups and plates into the dishwasher after using them. This is the next obvious step and I’m glad they’ve gone public now. This puts Loughmacrory back on the map.”
The Tyrone Times have announced they will publish a 4-page pull-out supplement on O’Brien, who has since been labelled as ‘The Thanking Man’.
Loughmacrory Spar have also revealed they are in talks to erect a permanent ‘The Thanking Man Bonbon Stall’ in the shop in O’Brien’s memory despite him being alive and well. They have currently run out of white bonbons.
Washington DC Admits To Listening To Phonecalls In Drumquin, Clady And Augher
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
In the wake of last week’s news of the security services in America listening in on phone calls throughout Europe, an international diplomatic investigation was sparked last night following a confession by a member of staff at the National Security Agency in Washington that he was instructed to secretly listen in on phone calls across County Tyrone.
“Gee, the guys were looking for a dude to secretly listen in to calls in County Teerone, and man, I guess I was the fall guy right from the get-go, being Irish an’ all”, said 28-year old Brent McRobertson. “My great great great great grand neighbour once went to somewhere near Ireland on vacation, so I guess that means I got the Irish blood in me. Anyways, I was listenin’ to all these calls, and seriously, these Teerone guys are crazy. They had all this talk of suckin’ diesel, and I was like, whoa, time check guys! No wonder they’re so unhealthy. That stuff is way disgusting”.
McRobertson said that he initially heard guttural barking and growling noises on the phone, which he initially believed was either interference from a local zoo or satellite disruption, but which subsequently turned out to be two brothers from Augher chatting to each other on the phone. In another phonecall from the Clady area, McRobertson said he overheard death threats being made.
“It was givin’ me the jeepers, man. These guys kept saying they were going to ‘kill Eeshil’ on Friday night, and that they were gonna take a couple of ‘owl blades’ with them. Is an owl blade some sorta bad-ass weapon? Aw man, it sounded like something bad was goin’ down. And who’s Eeshil? Is he some kinda gang leader? That dude’s gonna be history, period”.
McRobertson admitted that despite his Irish credentials he was not completely familiar with some of the local vernacular.
“What’s a ‘buckenbrolly’? Phone call after phone call folks kept talking about ‘that buckenbrolly’, and they were calling it a ‘clift’ which I think means cliff. Is it a place or some sort of geological feature? I tried to find out more on this local social networking site called ‘Slabber’, but it was the pits man”.
One of McRobertson’s colleagues spent an hour on the phone listening to a high-pitched screeching which was later identified as two women from Drumquin arguing about their favourite Nathan Carter track. He was later diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and had to receive extensive counselling.
Twerking, Or Arse-Dancing, Banned At Tyrone Dances
Moy man practising arse-dancing
A multi-denominational approach has seen all religious leaders denounce twerking from their pulpits this morning and warned that any youngsters or middle-aged boogie lovers caught arse-dancing after 8pm in discos and dance halls will be excommunicated from their respective churches.
Arse-dancing involves shaking your behind to all types of music, popularised by Americans such as Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus. Fr Simon Shields, the 55 year old PP of Cappagh Parish, highlighted the dangers of such dancing:
“Us priests and other faith leaders still like to head to the odd disco and enjoy the modern music and clap along. The last thing we need is seeing these dance floors filled with a mass of arses bouncing all over the place to Nathan Carter’s Wagon Wheel or the latest Bangles number. It’s putting us priests off and we’ll end up not going and getting grumpier. It has to stop so we’ve banned this type of dancing for the next two years everywhere in the country from the Glenavon to Sally’s. No more twerking in Tyrone”.
Pastor Daniel Simpson (61) from Fintona agreed:
“Let’s be honest here. Tyrone wouldn’t be a deadly place for arses. I’ve seen hefty men and women in tight leggings bouncing their backsides like as if they’re standing in a trailer on the back of a Massey motoring down a bumpy back road in Greencastle. It’s nauseous for us oul lads. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned waltz or jive?”
Already, one Church of Ireland service goer has been reported by her husband for arse-dancing whilst making the dinner in Aghyaran although she was simply verbally reprimanded by the furious vicar as she beat the 8pm watershed.
Churches as also looking into banning the ‘Rock-the-Boat’ rowing dance as well as Nathan Carter himself.
Brocagh Witch Laments Worst Halloween Ever
Brocagh Biddy
A witch from somewhere on the Ballybeg Road has pleaded with local children to up their game next year after what she claimed was ‘the worst night’s craic in decades’ around Brocagh.
The 300-year old hag, nicknamed Brocagh Biddy, blames computer games for the lack of devilment in today’s youngsters:
“That was cat. The young’uns now just dress up, ring about two doorbells and then head on home to get wired into their ipads or xboxs. Oh for the great Halloween nights of the 60s and 70s when lads would terrorise the elderly by knocking their windows or throw eggs at police cars. I remember watching a group of boys in 1981 chasing the local primary headmaster with a chainsaw through fields. How I laughed. And sure it was all a bit of fun and the master would forget about it after dishing out 6 of the best and 1000 lines on the Monday.”
The Brocagh Biddy also feels her days are numbered as she only managed to scare one victim yesterday:
“Yes, that is true. There’d be a lot of wemen down here who look a bit like me now, so no one bats an eyelid. I did manage to scare one fella outside Vivo and he dropped his eggs but I overhead him saying he thought it was his ex-wife back looking for more money. Not quite the same pleasure for me. It seems that a woman on a broom, cackling like a maniac and holding a cat, is just your run-of-the-mill Brocagh blade these days.”
Biddy confirmed that she might relocate to Ardboe were badness is alive and well on the Loughshore. A whole herd of cattle had lipstick painted on overnight whilst all the windows were removed from the Battery Bar.
Halloween ‘Destroyed’ As School Takes Health & Safety To Extremes
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Angry parents have complained to Dungannon Local Authority after a local primary school announced its plans for a ‘very safe Halloween’, which they say changes the annual October tradition virtually beyond all recognition.
Headmaster of Moy-based Clonless Primary School Aodhan Nugent said,
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Ducking for apples is a dangerous activity. Children shoving their faces into water? I’m surprised no one’s been hurt. No. This stops now. They can bob in the basin, but there’ll be no water in it. Or apples for that matter. They might break their teeth on one. We’re going to use Flumps instead. ‘Flump-Bobbing’ ”.
Nugent continued enthusiastically,
“That’s not all. Trick or treating has had its day. Tricking people sets a terrible example to the children. We’ll still do it like, but instead of ‘Trick or Treat’, we’re going to call it ‘Treat or Another Treat’. We can’t risk weeans getting upset, can we?”
Parents vented their frustration at the reckless breaking of tradition.
“This Trick or Treat business has gone too far”, protested Seamus Devlin, a paper stapler from Brocagh. “When we were 8 years old we used to get a jib crane and hoist cows onto people’s roofs for feck’s sake, or take their gates off and throw them in the graveyard. It was hilarious. Everyone loved it. No-one got hurt. Well, maybe a couple of the cows. Turns out greenhouse roofs aren’t that strong”.
Nugent also decided that pumpkins will be replaced with balloons, and whilst children will not be allowed to draw scary faces on them, they may be allowed to draw what has been described as ‘slightly apprehensive’ faces. Nugent has said that they may even be allowed to blow some of the balloons up.
Scary stories have also been banned, in case it scares any of the children.
“The only scary story round here is that that eejit Nugent’s also going to be in charge of Christmas at the school”, said Devlin. “God only knows what he’ll do with that. Probably ban Christmas cake as a choking hazard, the bollix”.
Nugent confirmed earlier today that parents and pupils can still bring fireworks to the school’s evening Halloween celebrations, provided none of them get set off at any point.
Monaghan Marathon Runner Rugby Tackled By Tyrone Spectator During Dublin Race
Artist impression of Dublin marathon
In what has been described as an unfortunate flashback of the Cavanagh/McManus incident highlighted on RTE by a manic Joe Brolly in August, an unlucky marathon runner from Clontibret was unceremoniously rugby tackled by a Moy spectator just five yards from the finishing line during the Dublin Marathon on Monday, preventing the runner from completing a personal best after his 9th attempt at breaking the four hour barrier.
Although police have refused to charge the Moy marauder, Bingo Hughes is adamant his assailant will pay for his moment of madness:
“I’ll get that boy in the long grass. Funnily enough I’d been thinking that this could happen throughout the whole run. Any time I saw a Tyrone jersey in the crowd I’d be cowering for fear he or she should leap at me without notice. But I didn’t think I’d be vulnerable after 25.9 miles and with a rake of stewards manning the final few yards.”
The tackler in question, Tam Jordan (55), admits the whole occasion got to him:
“To be honest I was just out doing a bit of window shopping looking for dungarees and stuff when I notice this marathon was on. So I watched a bit of it close to the finishing line and as soon as I saw this boy heading for the finishing tape with the Monaghan jersey on him I had this natural impulse to leap out of the crowd and drag the hoor down. I cannot explain it. Then I gave him a couple of digs in the ribs. Mad stuff altogether, like an out of body experience.”
Bingo has since contacted a Dungiven barrister who reportedly rubbed his hands and said something about his appearance fee in Tyrone talk nights doubling yet again.
Bingo Hughes’ official finishing time was 4 hrs and 1 second.
Eglish Husband’s Halloween Jokes ‘A Bridge Too Far’, Wife Tells Friends
When are ye puttin yer mask on?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A husband’s annual Halloween joke of telling his wife, ‘I see you’ve put your mask on early this year!’ backfired yesterday lunchtime when he found himself with a bowl of strawberry-flavoured Angel Delight poured over his head.
Long-suffering wife 52-year old Patricia Faloon said that she had simply had enough of husband John Joe’s barbed Halloween jokes over the course of their 32-year marriage.
“Every year it’s the same buckin’ jokes. I’m fed up with it. Something just snapped and the Angel Delight went over his thick head. He’s lucky he didn’t get the electric whisk shoved into his bake an’ all. He’d have known all about it then”.
Tension had been brewing since the return journey from chapel on Sunday when John Joe saw a black cat crossing the path of the car, at which point he turned to his wife and asked, “Is that yours?” before braying with laughter at his own joke.
Ah come on, it’s just a wee bit of fun”, said a defensive Faloon, a 55-year old wellington washer from Eglish. “Pat’s a right pishmire just now, bless her. She’s a very private person, but I’m sure she won’t mind me telling you she’s going through the change just now and she’s dead touchy all the time. And her piles aren’t helping”.
Other comments usually repeated by Faloon to his wife at this time of year include, “It’s Halloween. Mind no-one pinches yer broomstick”, a comment about apple bobbing, and a risqué joke about a goblin. A grinning Faloon said, “Aw, it’s mighty craic boys. And then after Halloween it’s Christmas, and I can do all my jokes about Santa and balls on the tree and all. But listen though – ‘Is that your cat!’ Class hi!”
“If I hear another broomstick joke he’ll get one shoved up his arse”, said a testy Patricia. “See if he’s laughing then”.
As of 5.30pm this evening, Faloon was contemplating whether or not to make a joke about Pat’s big pumpkins.
Tyrone Tribulations 