Hugo Duncan Leaves Big Brother House Successfully Without Detection. Family Worried.
Hugo, years ago
Hugo Duncan’s elaborate plan to evade detection in the Celebrity Big Brother house has worked successfully after he was voted out by the public last night.
As we revealed weeks ago, the Man from Strabane entered the house under the radar, pretending to be a boxing promoter called Frank Maloney who had changed gender to become Kellie Maloney. The elaborately difficult strategy was pulled off to perfection with Hugo never once slipping back into skiddily dee mode or saying anything in a Strabanese accent.
Friends and family, who have yet to see Hugo after he slipped off into the London night with his new family, are said to be extremely proud of the Radio Ulster man. A cousin, Hugh Duncan, did sound a couple of warnings for the coming weeks:
“Whilst we’re delighted he pulled off this stunt without fault, we’re a bit perturbed that he went off with Maloney’s family to a few dodgy nightclubs in London Town. They seem to think that Hugo really is their father who has become a woman. We sort of need the real Frank Maloney to come forward, or sorry, Kellie Maloney. It’s just all deadly confusing now.”
Another full cousin Hughie Duncan is worried his blood relative might be seduced by the new lifestyle:
“I thought I detected a level of comfort in Hugh after about the third week. I just have a niggling feeling he’s enjoying the anonymity of being Frank Maloney being Kellie Maloney as well as the skirts. I just hope the penny drops some day when county music comes on the radio and he starts skiddily deeing and eating buns. COME HOME HUGO.”
Strabane Borough Council have postponed their Welcome Back Kellie/Frank/Hugo party for the foreseeable future.
Probe Into Ireland’s First ‘6-Star Hotel’. In Greencastle.
News emerged yesterday of an investigation into what was billed as Ireland’s first all-inclusive, luxury ‘6-star’ resort which opened last weekend in Tyrone.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Crockanboy Farm Hotel, based next to the working farm of the same name, opened last weekend for business but promptly drew the attention of the Tyrone Tourism Board, which questioned its self-appointed 6-star status.
Spokesperson for the Tyrone Tourism Board Henry Bogue said,
“I suppose we should have twigged the moment we heard it was based in Greencastle. I mean, no offence to the folk there, but it’s not exactly 42nd Street in New York, is it? In fact, it’s not even Scotch Street in Dungannon. What were they thinking?”
Asked what will justify the 6-star rating, farmer-turned-hotelier Plunket Molloy said,
“Well, that’s a really good question. See, you have your 4-star hotels and 5-star hotels, but we’re 6. That means we’re better. Everything’s included. That’s why it’s all-inclusive, and 6-star. Beds, electricity, heating, floors, the lot. We might even throw in a bit of breakfast. How’s that for all-inclusive? And if they stay in the honeymoon suite they’ll get a free GAA Tyrone air freshener. They might need it with the smell of the slurry”.
The honeymoon suite awaits
He continued,
“We’re tapping into the American market here. They’ll come from places like San Francisco and Sydney, with their ‘gee shucks’, and their ‘gosh darn its’. Once they hear about this place we’ll be on the pig’s back. The Yanks are over here all the time researching their ancestry. We’ll do tours of a few graveyards, show then Ulysses Grant’s place, Peter Canavan’s home place, that sort of thing. And we can sort out some free bubblegum for them”.
Rooms start at £1,000 per night, although Molloy said privately that as an introductory offer he might accept offers as low as £25.
However, Bogue from the Tourist Board was less than impressed. In particular, he has raised concerns about the ‘state of the art’ fitness suite, which consists of a piece of blue rope for skipping, and a ‘free weights’ room which contains a pile of breeze blocks. He has also expressed concern about the heavily-advertised outdoor running area which incorporates a ‘unique in-built exercise improvement device, guaranteed to help improve fitness levels every time’, which appears to be nothing more than a field with an angry bull in it.
As at last night, Molloy was undeterred, insisting that he may advertise as a 7-star resort, just as soon as he gets the hot water plumbed in.
Dick Welding Ltd Confident Of Securing Tyrone GAA Sponsorship Despite Fears
Dick, welding.
Following the news that Hunky Dorys have decided not to renew their sponsorship deal with Tyrone GAA, Eskra firm Dick Welding Limited have emerged as firm favourites to take over the sponsorship but have braced themselves for a backlash amongst players and religious groups.
The firm, which was established in 1988 by Dick McMinn, also confirmed that due to limited space on the jerseys they will have to drop the Ltd bit and simply have ‘Dick Welding’ emblazoned on the front.
A current senior player and ex-minor star from Ardboe who did not wish to be named told us:
“There’s no way I’m taking to the field in a Tyrone jersey with Dick Welding on the front of it. Imagine the slagging around Ardboe. I’d nearly transfer to Derry before wearing that. If was hard enough wearing Hunky Dory whilst getting hammered down in Kerry.”
Dick Welding Ltd have also faced opposition from church leaders despite doing the welding on altar rails throughout the county since 2001. Fr Norny from Cappagh added:
“It’s bad enough with the whole Rose of Tralee stuff and then all them music videos with women wearing nothing and shaking themselves. Dick Welding sends out all the wrong vibes to young ones, like some kind of stuff you’d find in 50 Shades of Grey or them late night channels from 901-959, although 902 and 903 seem to be a bit tamer.”
Tyrone GAA officials confirmed they are seriously considering another offer from an international company. The rumour mill suggests it is ‘After Eights’ but with Tyrone’s failure to get past the last eight this year they are concerned that other counties will poke fun at this, so they may take up Dick Welding instead.
Family Concern For Lottery Winner Who ‘Doesn’t Know Herself at all’
Not at herself at all
The family of Ballygawley lottery winner Josie McGinley are said to beside themselves with worry for her after her £3000 win on the local GAA club lottery. McGinley (61), who is reported to have splashed out on plants and garden ornaments, has alarmed friends and family after repeatedly stating she doesn’t know herself at all since the windfall.
Sister and clinical psychologist Sadie McGinley reckons it’s time for social services to step in:
“I was talking to her yesterday and asked her how she was feeling after the big win. She just kept saying ‘jays I don’t know meself at all’ whilst browsing through the Littlewoods catalogue for expensive pyjamas. She either needs the money taken off her and given to her siblings or committed to some institution, with the money given to her siblings. She can’t go about not knowing herself.”
Concerns have also been raised about her husband Joe who has been spotted as ‘laughing’ whilst saying ‘she doesn’t know herself’ when asked how things were since the big win. Sadie added:
“I think he has what she has. Maybe it’s the early signs of ebola or something but he’s going about smirking and laughing about our Josie not knowing herself. If that’s what winning money does to some people they’re better off not having it at all and the winnings given to her siblings.”
Errigal Ciaran GFC released a statement indicating that they’ll monitor future payouts in their lottery and set up a winners’ counselling committee from tomorrow onwards for any wins over £50.
Stewartstown Wine Tasting Event Ends In Drunken Shambles
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A series of wine-tasting evenings hosted by the recently-opened The Black Sheep restaurant in Stewartstown may be cancelled, after the first of the events disintegrated into inebriated chaos.
The wine tasting event, where the the guests are expected to take only a sip or two of a range of fine wines, was organised by the Black Sheep restaurant to increase its custom and to introduce new exciting ways to introduce good quality to wine to its clientele.
“Maybe it was a bit much for Stewartstown”, admitted restaurant manager Finnuala Keenan. “We wanted the patrons of the event to really understand and appreciate the finer points of amazing wines. Instead some of them were intent on trying to drink their own weight in Chablis. The clifts”.
In particular, local man Fergal McAleer was pointed out as being particularly poorly behaved.
“It was clear he was wrote aff before he even got there”, complained Keenan. “He spent ten minutes chatting to the grandfather clock in the lounge thinking it was the wine waiter. He was pretending he was some big wine authority, but he was fooling no-one. And his manners were disgusting”.
Stewartstownonians discussing the finer points of wine
Keenan explained that McAleer glugged back almost an entire bottle, declaring it was the finest vintage he had ever tasted, before realising he had accidentally been drinking a bottle of table vinegar that had been left out since lunchtime. He allegedly followed this up by taking a long slug of Chiraz, slurring, “I am amused by its impertinence”, before vomiting all over his own legs.
“How dare they criticise my manners”, bristled McAleer after the event. “I’m a big wine man around these parts. I only threw up because it was a dodgy bottle of whatever it was I drinking. Was it red? Maybe it was white. Anyway, I’m as considerate as they come. That’s why I was drinking it straight from the bottle. Trying to save them the washing up on the wine glasses, understand?”
Keenan however insisted that McAleer was far from the only protagonist.
“I was hoping to host an evening of sipping fine wine and informed chat about vineyards and tannins and suchlike. What did I end up with? 16 people singing ‘Whiskey in the Jar’ at the top of their voices. These people just don’t do sipping.”.
The restaurant intends to persevere with similar events but set at a lower standard, with a Buckfast-tasting evening planned for next Friday.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Standard Of Tea At Wakes On The Wane. Sandwiches Poor Too.
Wakes when they were good craic
Several wake fanatics have finally spoken out concerning the issue of the deteriorating standard of tea at wakes across the county and predicted mourners will stop going if the trend continues.
In addition to the beverage scene, the quality of sandwiches have also come under negative scrutiny with one wake-goer calling them ‘a pile of shite’. Thirdly, 95% of wake-goers now say they are no craic to attend now.
88-year old chief mourner Kitty Campbell from Coalisland fumed this morning:
“I’ve had enough of the crap I’m being served at these wakes nowadays. Last week I attended six wakes, four of which I hadn’t a clue who the deceased was but at least I made the effort to nosey around the house. At one of them I had to wait over six minutes before being offered a cup. Six minutes. And when it came it was that oul weak stuff you get from sharing the one teabag between about half a dozen cups. I near walked out in disgust.”
Campbell was also critical of the sandwiches on display:
“I think I can say without contradiction that I’ve not had a decent sandwich at a wake since 2008. I was at two wakes yesterday and was given what they called a ‘beef sandwich’ at one. There was no beef in it for I opened it up and took out my glasses. I was that mad I threw it across the room and it landed on the coffin lid. That got the message across I’d say.”
Campbell concluded that it was ‘hardly worth dying now’ because of the embarrassment of her family’s catering abilities.
Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that wakes will re-introduce alcohol and fiddles to liven up the whole process a bit.
‘Scundered’ Parents Made Children Queue Outside School For Four Days Before Opening
Jack Davidson, four days before doors open.
Several parents in Brocagh have admitted they were at the end of their tether with the summer holidays after it emerged they made their children camp outside the gates of their local primary school since Monday for the opening today.
News of the extreme measures emerged after teachers arrived at St Jacob’s this morning to be met with 13 tents and conditions described like ‘a Glastonbury Festival for Toddlers’ with sweet wrappers and bottles of mineral strewn across the school hedges.
Headmaster Hughes admitted that this year seemed to be worse than others:
“In previous years we’d have had parents sending pupils maybe two days early and telling them to walk ‘deadly slow’ to school. But this year, what with the bad weather and nothing on the TV, they seem to have shipped the children out a lot earlier. They even set up Portaloos and soup kitchens which I suppose shows how thoughtful and caring parents are around these parts.”
Mother Hillary Carney revealed she felt no guilt and argued it will make a man of her son Tommy:
“We were scundered by the time August had arrived. After the boys exited the championship, the weekends were fairly bleak. Last week we took the children to look at the Old Cross at Ardboe in the pouring rain for the 3rd time in a month. Listen, it’ll toughen them up. Four days in the Brocagh wilderness, fighting the elements and wild badgers can bring a 6-year old on leaps and bounds.”
Meanwhile, Master Hughes revealed they will be bringing back Latin, slapping, sums, Greek classics, sewing, dominoes, shouting and going to the toilet in a tin bucket in order to ‘instil a bit of old-fashioned discipline in society around the lough shore’.
Annaghshee Household On Red Alert As Parent Accidentally Cuts Toast Into Triangles Instead of Squares
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Tensions were said to be at breaking point in the Annaghshee housing estate in Dungannon, following a near-fatal error by a parent who incorrectly cut up jammy toast for her 4-year old daughter Caitlin.
“I don’t know what I was thinking”, said distraught mother Susan McGoldrick.
“I was so busy making sure I used the jam that’s got no bits in it, that I cut it into triangles and not squares. I forgot that she doesn’t like triangles anymore since she saw her big cousin, who’s 6, eat sandwiches that were cut into squares. I tried to backtrack saying that it was actually her da’s toast and not hers, but it was too late. The damage was done. She went absolutely ape shit. How will I live with myself?”
The episode prompted the 4-year old Caitlin to go into a near-apoplectic fit, which included screaming, stamping of feet, tears streaming down the face and, at one heart-stopping point, flailing of arms.
Tara melt down in Annaghshee
The stand-off, which local press have already nicknamed ‘Toastgate’, continued late into mid-morning, with local neighbour and Councillor Sean McGill being quickly summoned to the scene. McGill was able to talk to reporters during short breaks in negotiations.
“It’s tara boys, I have to tell ye”, as he mopped sweat from his brow with a Thomas the Tank Engine serviette. “It’s a knife edge in there. To make matters worse, wee Caitlin’s got hold of the remote control and she’s started waving it about. If she accidentally deletes all of the Game of Thrones that her big sister’s taped, then Caitlin’ll be the least of our worries. Jays, I’ve never encountered anything as hard as this. And I used to sit on the Parades Commission”.
The delicate negotiations began shortly after 10am, with Caitlin’s father Peter trying to diffuse the situation by offering unlimited Cheerios and two Jammy Dodgers, to no avail. They later made some headway with a further concession of three back-to-back episodes of Strawberry Shortcake and a stay-over at Granny McGee’s next weekend, which was met with sniffles and folded arms, but fewer tears.
However, latest reports indicate matters taking a turn for the worse from an unexpected source, when father Peter foolishly advised Caitlin that ‘Mummy was a stupid bat for making her feckin’ toast all wrong”.
Galbally’s First ‘Chess Boxing’ Competition Takes Place. No-one Knows How To Play Chess.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A brand new sport was introduced in Galbally last night at the Community Centre, as locals participated in ‘Chess Boxing’, a hybrid sport that combined chess with boxing in alternating rounds.
“We’ve tried some of these hybrid sports before, with mixed success”, said Fergal Tiernan, who organised and refereed the event. “We tried Cage-Fighting Gymnastics last year which was quite good, although Archery Wrestling didn’t end very well. And the less said about Karate Skydiving the better. We got the timing of the rounds wrong. Jays, that was a messy one to red up. Still, you’ve got to try these things”.
The Chess Boxing competition involved eight competitors, although Tiernan immediately encountered challenges.
“Aye, only one of them could play chess. We forgot this was Galbally. The rest were just there for the fighting really, and the free Tayto afterwards”.
Tempers boiled over when one of the competitors, 52-year old Oisin McShea, refused to learn the rules of chess, saying that he would involve himself in no loyalist scheme involving a Queen, King, or any other member of royalty, regardless of whether or not they were made of moulded plastic.
Galbally Community Centre, last night
In fact, the only competitor able to play chess was Peader Carson from Kilnaslee Road, one of the first to apply for the competition, although it transpired that he hadn’t fully grasped the rules of the competition when applying. “Poor Peader”, explained Tiernan. “His eyesight’s not so good so he didn’t really understand about the boxing bit of it until he got into the ring. It might not’ve been so bad, but he’s 84 next birthday. Still, he paid his £3 entry so he was entitled to a go same as the rest of them. Jays, you should have seen him going down. Like a sack of spuds mangled up in a zimmer frame”.
“That’s true”, said the octogenarian Carson from his hospital bedside. “I went into the ring with a tactical plan of how I was going to open up my chess game with maybe a classic Budapest Gambit or a Sicilian Defence, and then I got punched in the face really really hard. Jays, my dentures flew halfway across the ring, and then it was goodnight Vienna. Don’t remember much after that, but it’s surprising how good Baxter’s pea and ham soup tastes through a straw. Still, it’s a lesson learned. If they repeat the competition next year, I’ll come back older wiser and stronger. Well, certainly older. Sorry, would you mind helping me onto the commode?”
The event was won by Father Polland of St Luke’s Chapel in Cappagh who won all of his chess matches after insisting he was, ‘on very good terms with both of his bishops, and had ecumenical dispensation to take any piece he wanted”.
NI Water Board Will Back Bill All Non-Domestic Ice Bucket Challenge Participants
That’ll be £30’000
The NI Water Board are allegedly on the verge on contacting anyone who took part in the MND/ALS Ice Bucket Challenge after spending over 3000 hours scouring facebook and other media outlets for water wastage.
Categorised under the ‘non-domestic charges’, the board has scrutinised thousands of challenges and identified those which took place on farm land, business property, charity premises, churches, schools, hospitals as well as any property where the house cannot be clearly seen. Back-billing is due to commence early December, with many people being hit in the run up to Christmas.
Tyrone man Brendy Woods admitted he was distraught at the news:
“I went a bit over the top and had three digger loads of water poured over me at the uncle’s farm. Then the sister showered me with the power hose for about 10 minutes. I calculated I could be hit for £4000 at the least. I thought about contacting the MND charity for a loan of the money back but that’d be wrong. This is a nightmare.”
In a show of generosity, the NI Water Board have offered to set up direct debits for anyone who used more than £1000, allowing monthly payments of £500. CEO Patrick Volvic confirmed:
“We want to show that we can get into the spirit of things by offering this generous direct debit for anyone who went too far with the challenge. We also will turn a blind eye to the ice which also constitutes a waste of water. We’re not total killjoys and will donate £5 ourselves to the charity.”
PSNI have confirmed they are looking into threats painted on a wall in Coalisland, calling for the Water Board to be waterboarded.
You can donate to MND here: http://www.mndassociation.org/news-and-events/Latest+News/the-mnd-ice-bucket-challenge
Anger In Parts Of Tyrone Over Frank Mitchell’s UTV Weather Watchers Snub
The George Clooney of Ulster – Derrytresk hater?
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
Shock And Confusion As Tyrone Rose Admits She’s Not Gay
Following the 2014 Rose of Tralee’s public declaration that she’s gay, Tyrone Rose Bernadette Begley has quickly moved to confirm that she’s not gay and hopes the county will stand by her brave admission in the weeks ahead.
Begley, who also came clean on liking Mrs Brown’s Boys and Joe Brolly as well as eating beans with her morning fry, reckons her stance will encourage others to come forward and admit brave stuff that Ireland may not be ready to hear, in their opinion.
She added:
“Ever since I announced I was straight I’ve been getting quare looks from oul people around the county. It’s like they’re suspicious of me now that I’m not gay and in the public light. I don’t care though. It’s important that people know what my sexual preferences are, and everyone else’s. Ireland still lives in the Dark Ages, ye know, I think. Anyways I love Joe Brolly and his wee nose twitches. Feck the begrudgers.”
Begley’s father, an ex Commonwealth Bowls bronze medalist, wasn’t sure how the county will react:
“Aye, I’m a bit confused myself. I was sure she was gay as she never showed any signs of being different. This has come as a bit of a shock to be honest. I haven’t the heart to tell her granny. It could kill her. She’s gay herself but also harbours a dark secret too – her own mother’s a protestant. All these things are very important ye know, around here. Sure I like B*Witched”
The PSNI have set up a counselling hotline for anyone struggling to come to terms with other people’s life choices and natural tendencies.
Less Than Half Of Eligible Tyrone Women Have Good Road Frontage
Artist’s impression of Tyrone 2040
A recent survey has predicted that Tyrone will be riddled with spinsters in 40 years after it revealed that only 43% of single women aged 18-45 in the county have good road frontage, an important factor in attracting Tyrone men.
Road frontage, where your land is bounded by a road and therefore ready for sale as sites for houses, was once a necessity for any girl looking for a hand in marriage in Ireland. This survey suggests the majority of women have either decided on a path of singledom or there has been a rise in lesbianism or religious orders.
29 year old Loughmacrory woman Jenny Wisdom explained her decision:
“I was aware of the road frontage rules but to be honest I want a man who likes me for me and not if there’s a good road with land on my site. Unfortunately the men around here aren’t as philosophical. I won Miss Wrangler Jeans here in 2009 so I have the looks but as soon as men hear I only have a garden in a housing estate they just make up some excuse and walk away. It’s demoralising.”
Pastor John McConville has warned women that they’ll be left on the scrapheap if they don’t start looking for appropriate land as soon as they finish schooling:
“The women have taken their eye off the ball. Here in my ministry I only married three couples last year. We’re losing out in important funds and the girls are looking at sitting in a rocking chair at 65, talking to themselves. Schools need to educate their female students on the importance of road frontage before Tyrone becomes a barren land as men head north to Derry.”
The survey also revealed a drop in corned beef dinners in favour of ready meals.
Ardboe On High Alert After Local Man Upsets Two Religious Group In Ten Minutes
Penny chews
Ardboe officials were said to be ‘preparing for the worst’ after local footballer Timothy McGuckian mistakenly upset two different religious groups whilst shopping in the Spar for wheaten bread and a litre of milk. Sandbags and GPS devices have been purchased in case a navy onslaught starts this weekend.
The unfortunate series of events began when McGuckian contemplated buying a few sweets for his grandson who was suffering from a bad cold at the time. On being offered a couple of penny chews by the shopkeeper, the ageing footballer remarked:
“Ah feck no, sure I hate chews. They’re annoyed wee buggers and you can’t get rid of them”.
Jewish Rabbi Fredrick Hughes, who happened to be purchasing a pound of mince at the time, mistook the word chew for an attack on his religion and immediately informed the PSNI as well as leaders in New York. Within three minutes of the first incident, McGuckian again managed to alienate another religious grouping after innocently commenting on a new brand of white bread made by local man and aspiring baker Sean Teague. Whilst feeling the breads on offer, the full forward remarked:
“ah no, not Teagues. I hate Teagues. They charge ye through the roof for a heap of dung.”
Unfortunately Fr Quinn, thinking this was an attack on his fellow worshippers, or taigs as they are referred to by non-catholics, overheard the remark and immediately ex-communicated Timothy and anyone related to him.
The Vatican are reportedly considering issuing a Papal Bull, allowing neighbouring townlands of Ballymaguigan and Moortown the religious freedom to invade Ardboe and ‘drive the heathens into the Lough’ according to a spokesman for Pope Francis. Ardboe retaliated with a promise that the area isn’t into the racism at all and it was simply a dialectal confusion. He added that there was ‘no money in racism anyway’.
Tyrone Tribulations – 2 Years Old Tomorrow
Thank you to all readers and for the encouraging comments over the last 24 months.
We are approaching one million views and when the magic figure is reached shortly we plan to take a lengthy break and start chatting again to loved ones and even the unloved. What started out on August 22nd 2012 has snowballed a little more than I first envisaged.
We try our best to entertain anyone who reads without insulting anyone, their beliefs or their circumstances. Sometimes we fail (as funny as a kick in the balls someone once emailed!!!) but I think we mostly managed to create some humour that doesn’t belittle or take advantage of others’ misfortunes. That’s a hard task – normal cutting satire/shock factor is slightly easier! Humour is hit and miss and it’s hard to suit all tastes. We tried our best.
Also, we’ve tried to hard keep the topics as local as possible, with a couple of exceptions…..
I’d like to offer a big thank you to those who have helped me along the way – those who messaged suggestions for stories, to Oliver Corr and his team who put moving pictures to the words, to the invaluable Shengas McGlumphie who came on board in March 2013 and has kept producing top notch investigative journalism every week since, to Pat Muckles and Aughoughilley Schniffles, to Biddy Ann and Fr Riddle Lynn as well as anyone else who kept the stories coming.
Below are the top 10 news items in terms of views from the past 24 months from as far away as El Salvador, Uzbekistan and Derrylaughan.
Application Error Sees Masters Graduate And NASA Hopeful Join ASDA
Not ASDA
An aspiring astronaut, Jenny Quinn from Tyrone, has landed herself a job monitoring cashiers in ASDA after wrongly filling out a job application form to become a NASA Space Mission Engineer whilst under the influence of ‘a few bottles of Buckfast’.
Quinn (27), who boasts a First Degree in Astronomical and Biological Engineering and a Masters in Aerodynamic Mathematics, had hoped to get a job working for NASA after completing over 2000 hours of flying and getting her blood pressure down to 140/90 in a sitting position. Blaming a mild form of dyslexia mixed with booze bought in Portadown, she bemoaned the direction her new career has taken her:
“Yes, it was a bit of a shock when the job centre phoned and told me they’d the perfect post for me. I was over the moon, especially when she said the place I’d be working in was in Cookstown, about 20 miles away. I was surprised that NASA had an office in Tyrone but they’d be secretive about these things. It was only when I looked at the application form I had photocopied that the penny dropped. I’d written ASDA instead of NASA whilst half cut.”
The brainy boffin is now the most qualified worker in the shop but is determined to make the most of the error:
“I maybe had more than three bottles of Buckfast come to think of it but I can’t dwell on the past. I’m trying to apply my skills to this new job. I’ve already made a contraption where you put your weight into this computer and then scan your food and it tells you whether you really need it or not. There have been some teething problems after a hefty lad smashed the thing to pieces when it rejected his 2-for-1 pizza purchase. I’ll get there though.”
In a freak of coincidence, Pat ‘Red Boy’ Hagan (59) from Killyman, whose only previous job was catching chickens at Moy Park, is on his way to America after writing NASA instead of ASDA on his form.
Tyrone Clothing Company Faces Legal Action Over Its Equality Policies
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
West Tyrone based clothing company TAL is facing accusations of ‘over-equality’ policies following complaints by employees based at its Strabane premises. The firm has raised eyebrows after it posted a position for shop floor line manager, noting that a black Vietnamese protestant gay male worker would be given first preference to fill the role.
In seeking to promote positive discrimination (similar to that used by the PSNI to balance the religious representation on its force when first introduced, by giving Roman Catholic applicants an advantage with regards to filling posts), company director Martin King has tried to apply the same logic with his operations.
“It came to me in a dream while I was on a surf holiday in Bali. What our wee country needs is racial, religious and sexual equality across the board. We hope to set a new standard here. If this place is to move forward with the rest of the world we all need to be equals, just like at the beginning of that book Animal Farm” he said.
What is more apparent than the fact that Mr King did not read all of Animal Farm, is his employees have had enough. Miss Rose Parkes, from East Belfast, recently quit TAL and had some scathing words regarding Mr Kings attempts to promote a new ‘big’ society.
“He is mad in the head mate. First off he came back from his hippy adventure round the world with dreadlocks and all and just announced that all toilets were to be unisex. So, here’s me to myself – I’m not using them toilets no more. I’m gonna wait till I get home, or go to the wee bakery next door. I was never in them toilets since. He’s a sky rocket. I’d rather be waiting on a giro than put up with that muck”
Mr King told us about how Stormont could take a leaf from his book in leading the way with equal opportunity strategy, however he does concede that costs involved in implementing such procedures and policies are high.
“We had our prayer room constructed late last year, and unfortunately after we took on two great Muslim embroiderers we had to have them taken down and re-built to face the Kaaba in Mecca. That was sore on us but it’s all a learning curve for us. I introduced 9 months paternity leave to balance the male to female rights to time off following childbirth. Also, we now do not accept either man flu or period pains as a reason to stay off work. AIDS is fine though as it effects both sexes equally.”
King has had all religious holidays banned and all his workers must work Good Friday and Christmas. The company’s new range of clothing, aptly named ‘peacekeepers’, to be released next July just ahead of the marching season include “Feinhun” versatile wooly hats and poppy-lilly t-shirts; although there is still an ongoing debate as to which flower gets to be positioned on the front of the garment.
Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Clady Man’s Attempt To Re-Create Nathan Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Success With ‘Custard Cream’, Fails To Chart
A Clady man determined to make it big in the pop charts was left bitterly disappointed on Sunday when his debut single narrowly missed out making it into the top 10,000.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Following in the shoes of country singer sensation Nathan Carter who has enjoyed considerable success with a cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Wagon Wheel’, 37-year old Jerome Hughes from Clady attempted to re-create similar success with a self-penned song entitled ‘Custard Cream’.
Failed to chart
“It came to me all of a sudden when I was having my tae one day”, explained Hughes. “Why should the Carter cub have it all his own way with songs about chocolate biscuits? Can’t say I’ve listened to his record all the way through, but I’ve heard enough to know that if he can make a buckin’ fortune singing about Wagon Wheels, then I should be able to do the same with Custard Creams. And at least Custard Creams haven’t got smaller in size over the years. Bet young Carter doesn’t mention that inconvenient truth in his fancy song, eh?”
Hughes’ initial song-writing started out with an early effort entitled, ‘Terry’s Chocolate Orange’, but immediately encountered rhyming difficulties. He fared much better with Custard Cream, but fails to understand its lack of radio success, commercial success, critical success, or in fact any type of success whatsoever.
The song, which several observers have accused of bearing a suspicious likeness to Wagon Wheel, goes,
Scoff me on the land or you can munch me on the sea
You can shove me in yer bake or you can dunk me in your tea
Hey, baby eat me
Eat me by the packet or just eat me one by one
You can eat me when you’re hungry you can eat me just for fun
Hey, baby eat me
The song continues in a similar theme,
Come and eat me baby I’m the biscuit eater’s dream
You can go to paradise just eating one wee Custard Cream
Hey, baby eat me
Shop around to buy me use some shopper’s common sense
In Dungannon’s Newell Stores I’m only thirty-seven pence
Hey, baby eat me
Rumours surfaced late yesterday from a source in Strabane that Hugo Duncan has blacklisted the song on account of being a Garibaldi fan.
Tyrone Tribulations 